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The Sarashina Diary Part 3 · Diaries of Court Ladies of Old Japan

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Section three of Diaries of Court Ladies of Old Japan. This is a LibriVox
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recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or
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to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Diaries of Court Ladies of Old
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Jaban Pasarashina Morasakis, Shikibu Betal translated by Annie Shaplomori and KOCHIDOI the Sarashina Diary,
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Part three. In the next year, one tranquil evening, I heard
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that he had come into the Princess's palace. So I crept out of my
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chamber with my companion. But there were many people waiting within and without the
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palace, and I turned back. He must have been of the same mind
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with me. He had come because it was so still a night, and
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he returned because it was noisy. I yearned for a tranquil moment to be
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out upon the sea of harmony in that enchanted boat. O boatman, do
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you know my heart? So I composed that poem, and there is nothing
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more to tell. His personality was very excellent, and he was not an
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ordinary man. But time passed and neither called to the other. In winter,
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though the snow had not come, yet the starlit sky was clear and
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cold. One whole night I talked with those who were in the palace,
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like a good for nothing woman. I retired from the court life. On
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the twenty fifth of the end month, I was summoned by the princess to
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the religious service of reciting Buddha's names. I went for that night. Only
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about forty ladies were there, all dressed in deep red dresses and also in
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deep red outer robe. I sat behind the person who led me in,
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the most shadow like person among them, and I retired before dawn. On
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my way home, it snowed in fluttering flakes, and the frozen, ghostly
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moon was reflected in my dull red sleeves of glossy silk. Even that reflection
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seemed to be wet and sad. I thought, all the way, the
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year comes to a close, and the night also, and the moon reflected
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in my sleeve, all passes. When one is in court, one may
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become familiar with those who serve there, and no worldly things better. And
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if one is thought amiable, one is received as a lady, and favors
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may be bestowed. Such had been my thought. But Father was now disappointed
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in me. And kept me at home. But how could I expect that
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my fortune should become dazzling in a moment. It was my father's idle fancy,
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yet he felt that it had betrayed him. Though a thousand times how
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many I gathered parsley in the fields, yet my wishes were by no meansful
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field. I grumbled so far and no further. I regretted deeply the idle
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fancies of old days. And as my parents would not accompany me to temples
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and pilgrimages, I could hardly suppress my impatience. I wish to strengthen my
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spirit to bring up my child, who is still in the germ. Moreover,
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I wish to do my best to pile up virtues deeds for the life
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to come. So encouraging my heart, I went to the Ishiyama Temple after
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the twentieth day of the frost month. It snowed and their wood was lovely.
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On coming in sight of the barrier at Osaka Pass, I was reminded
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that it was also in winter when I passed it on my way up to
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Kyoto. Then also it was a windy, tempestuous day. The sound of
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the autumn wind at the barrier of Osaka. It differs not from that heard
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long ago. The temple at Seki magnificent, though it was made me think
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of the old roughly hewn Buddha. The beach at Uchidh has not changed in
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the passing of months and years, but my own heart feels change. Towards
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evening, I arrived at the temple and after a bath, went up to
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the main shrine. The mountain wind was dreadful. I took it for a
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good omen that falling asleep in the temple, I heard a voice saying from
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the inner shrine, perfume has been bestowed. Tell it at once. At
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the words, I awoke and passed the night in prayer. The next day
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the wind raged and it snowed heavily. I comforted my lonely heart with the
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friend of the princess, who came with me. We left after three days.
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On the twenty fifth of the tenth month of the next year, the
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capital was in great excitement over the purification ceremonies. Before the great ceremony.
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For my part, I wanted to set out that same day for Hasseit Temple
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for my own religious purification. They stopped me, saying it was a sight
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to be seen only once in one rain, that even the country people come
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to see the procession. And it was madness to leave the city. That
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very day, your deeds will be spread abroad and people will gossip about,
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said my brother angrily. No, no, let the person have her own
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will, And according to my wish, he let me start. His kindness
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touched me. But on the other hand I pitied those who accompanied me,
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who, with longing hearts wanted to see the ceremony. But what have we
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to do with such shows? Buddha will be pleased with those who come at
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a time like this. I wanted without fail to receive the divine favor,
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and started before dawn. When I was crossing the great bridge of Nijo,
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with pine torches flaming before me, and with my attendants in pure white robes.
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All the men on horseback, in carriage, or on foot who encountered
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me on their way to the stands prepared for sightseers said in surprise, what
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is that? And some even laughed or scolded me. As I was passing
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before the gate of Yoshinori, the commander of the bodyguard and his men were
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standing there before the wide open portals, they said, laughing, here goes
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accompany to the temple. There are many days and months in the world to
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do that in. But there was one standing by who said, what is
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it to fatten the eyes for a moment? They are firmly determined, they
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will surely receive Buddha's favor. We ought also to make up our minds for
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the good without sight seeing. Thus one man spoke seriously. I had wanted
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to leave the city before broad daylight, and had started in the middle of
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the night, but had to wait for belated persons till the very thick fog
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became thinner. People flowed in from the country like a river. Nobody could
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turn aside to make room for anybody else, and even the ill behaved and
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vulgar children, who passed beside my carriage with some difficulty, had words of
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wonder and contempt for us. I felt sorry that I had started that day,
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yet praying to Buddha with all my heart, I arrived at the fairy
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of Uji. Even there the people were coming up to the city in throngs,
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and the ferryman, seeing these numberless people, was filled with his own
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importance and grew proud. He tacking up his leaves against his face and leaning
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on his pole would not bring the boat at once. He looked around,
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whistling and assumed an indifferent air. We could not cross the river for a
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long time, so I looked around the place, which I had felt a
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curiosity to see ever since reading Genjimonogatari, which tells that the daughter of the
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Princess of Uji lived here. I thought it a charming spot. At last
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we managed to get across the river and went to see the Uji mansion.
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I was at once reminded that the lady Yukifune had been living here. As
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we had started before daybreak, my people were tired out and rested at Hiroichi
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to take food. The guards said, is that the famous mountain Kurikoma.
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It is towards evening. Be ready with your armor. I listened to these
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words with a shudder. But we passed that mountain and the sun was on
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its summit. When we arrived at the lake of Nieno. They went in
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several directions to seek a lodging and returned saying there was no proper place,
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only in obscure hut. But as there was no other place, we took
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that in the house there were only two men, for the rest had all
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gone to the capitol. Those two men did not sleep that night at all,
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but kept watch around the house. My maids, who were in the
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recess, asked, why do you walk about so and the men answered,
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why we have rented our house to perfect strangers. What should we do if
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our kettles were stolen? Of course we cannot sleep. I felt both dread
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and laughter to hear them. In the early morning, we left there and
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knelt before the greatest temple. The temple of Iso no Kami was antique and
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on the verge of Ruin. That night we lodged at Yamabe Temple. Although
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I was tired out, I recited sutras and went to sleep. In my
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dream I saw a very noble and pure woman at her coming. The wind
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blew deliciously. She found me out and said, smiling, for what purpose
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have you come? I answered, how could I help coming? And she
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said you would better be in the imperial court and become intimate with the lady
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Hakase. I was very much delighted and encouraged. We crossed the river and
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arrived at the Hutsusa temple at night. After purifying, I went up to
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the temple. I remained three days and slept, expecting to start in the
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morning. At midnight, I dreamt that a cedar twig was thrown into the
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room as a talk and bestowed by the Innati god. I was startled,
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but waking found it only a dream. We began our return journey after midnight,
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and as we could not find a lodging, we again passed the night
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in a very small house, which seemed to be a very curious one.
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Somehow, do not sleep, something unexpected will happen. Don't be frightened,
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lie down even without breathing. This was said, and I spent the night
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in loneliness and dread. I felt that I lived a thousand years that night,
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and when the day dawned, I saw that we were in a robber's
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den. People said that the mistress of that house lived by a strange occupation.
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We crossed the Uji River in a high wind, and the very boat
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passed very near the fishing seine. Years have passed and only sounds of waters
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have come to my ears to day. Indeed, I may even count the
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ripples around the fishing net. If, as I am doing now, I
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continued to ride down every four or five years after they have happened. My
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life will seem to be that of a pilgrim, but it is not so.
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I am jotting down the happenings of several years. In the spring,
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I went to Kurama Temple. It was a soft spring day with mist trailing
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over the mountain side. The mountain people brought tokoro as the only food,
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and I found it good. When I left there, flowers were already gone
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in God's absent month. I went again, and the mountain views along the
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way were more beautiful than before. The mountain side brocaded with the autumn colors.
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The stream rushing headlong boiled up like molten metal and then shattered into crystals.
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When I reached the monastery, the maple leaves, wet with a shower,
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were brilliant beyond compare the pattern of the maple leaves in autumn. Died
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with the rain beautiful in the deep mountain. After two years or so,
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I went again to Ishiyama. It seemed to be raining, and I heard
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some one saying rain is disagreeable on a journey. But on opening the door
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I found the waning moon lighting even the depths of the ravine. What I
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thought rain was the stream rippling below the roots of the trees. The sound
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of the mountain brook gives an illusion of rain drops, yet the calm of
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the waning moon shines over all. The next time I went to Hasse Temple,
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my journey was not so solitary as before. Along the route, various
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persons invited me to ceremonious dinners, and we made but slow progress. The
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autumn woods were beautiful. At the Hahassana forest. In Yamashiro, I crossed
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the Hasse River. We stayed there for three days. This time we were
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too many to lodge in that small house on the other side of the Nara
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Pass, so we comped in the field. Our men passed the night lying
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on mukabaki, spread on the grass. They could not sleep for the jew
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which fell on their heads. The moon clear and more picturesque than elsewhere.
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Even in our wandering journey, the lonely moon accompanies as lighting us from the
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sky. The waning moon I used to gaze at in the royal city as
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I could do as I liked. I went even too distant temples for worship,
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and my heart was consoled through both the pleasures and fatigues of the way.
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Though it was half diversion, yet it gave me hope. I had
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no pressing sorrow in those days, and tried to bring up my boy in
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the manner I thought best, and was impatient of passing time. The man
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I depended upon. Wished to attain to happiness like other people, and the
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future looked promising. A dear friend of mine, who used to exchange poems
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with me and continued to ride through many changes of situation, although not so
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often as of old, married the governor of Echishen and went down to that
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province. After that, all communication between us ceased. So I wrote her
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a poem, finding the means of sending it with great difficulty undying affection,
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Can it end at last? Overlaid with time? Even as snow covers the
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land in the northern province, she rode back. Even a little pebble does
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not cease to be though pressed under the snow of Hakusan. So is my
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affection, even though hidden. I went down to a hollow of Nishiyama.
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There were flowers blooming in confusion. It was beautiful, yet lonely. There
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was no sight of man, a tranquil haze enclosedness far from towns. In
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the heart of the mountain, the cherry blooms and wastes its blooms away,
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with none to see. When the sorrow of the world troubled my heart,
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I made a retreat in the Uzumasa Temple. To me there arrived a letter
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from one who served the Princess. While I was answering it, the temple
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bell was heard. The outer world, of many sorrows is not to be
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forgotten. Even here, at the sound of the evening bell, lonely grows
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my heart to the beautifully tranquil palace of the Princess. I went one day
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to talk with to congenial friends. The next day, finding life rather tedious,
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I thought longingly of them and sent a poem, knowing the place of
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our meeting to be the sea of tears, where memories ripple and affections flow
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back. Yet we ventured into it, and my longing for you grew stronger
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than ever one rode back. We ventured into that sea to find the pearls
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of consolement. No pearls, but drops of sad, sweet tears we found.
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And the other who would venture into the sea of tears, seeking for
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the chance with ze Allah's care, had not the flowers of lovely vision floated
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in it. That friend, being of the same mind with me, we
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used to talk over every joy and sorrow of the world. But she went
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down to the province of Chicuz And in Kyushu. On a moon bright night,
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I went to bed, thinking of her with longing for in the palace.
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We had been wont not to sleep on such a night, but to
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sit up gazing into the sky. I dreamed that we were in the palace
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and saw each other as we had done in reality. I awoke startled.
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The moon was then near the western ridge of the mountain, and I thought
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I would I had not wakened tell her, oh western going moon that dreaming
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of her, I could sleep no more, but all the night my pillow
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was bedewed with loving tears. In the autumn I had occasion to go down
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to the province of Izumi from Yodor. The journey was very picturesque. We
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passed the night at Takahama. It was dark, and in the depths of
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the night I heard the sound of an oar and was told that the singer
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had come my companions called her boat to come alongside. Hours she was lighted
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by a distant fire. Her sleeves were long. She shaded her face with
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a fan and sank. She was charming. The next evening, when the
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sun was still on the mountain top, we passed the beach of Sumiyoshi.
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It was seen all in mist and pine branches. The surface of the sea
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and the beach where waves rolled up, combined to make a scene more beautiful
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than a picture. It is an evening of autumn, the sea shore of
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Sumiyoshi. Kenwords describe it, what can be compared with it? Even after
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the boat was towed along, I looked back again and again, never satiated.
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In the winter, I returned to Kyoto. We took her boat at
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Oe Bay. That night a tempest raged with such fury that the very rocks
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seemed to be shaken. The God of thunder came roaring, and the sound
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of dashing waves, the tumult of the wind, the horrors of the sea
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made me feel that life was coming to an end. But they dragged the
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boat ashore, where we spent the night. The rain stopped, but not
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the wind, and we could not start. We passed five or six days
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on these wide stretching sands. When the wind had gone down a little,
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I looked out, rolling up the curtain of my cabin. The evening tide
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was rising swiftly, and cranes called to each other in the bay. People
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of the province came in crowds to see us, and said that if the
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boat had been outside the bay that night, it would have been seen no
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more. Even the thought terrified me off Fishitsu. In the wild sea,
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the boat driven before the storm fades away and is seen no more. The
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wild gusts drive the boat into the wild sea, she disappears off Vishitsu.
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I devoted myself in various ways for the world. Even in serving at court,
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one had likewise to devote oneself unceasingly. What favor could one win by
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returning to the parents home from time to time? As I advanced in age,
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I felt it unbecoming to behave as young couples do. While I was
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lamenting a gree will and could not go out to temples for worship. Even
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this rare going out was stopped, and I had no hope of living long.
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But I wanted to give my younger children a safer position while I was
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alive, I grieved and waited for the delightful thing for my husband. In
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autumn, he got a position, but not so good a one as we
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had hoped, and we were much disappointed. It was not so distant as
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the place from which he had returned, so he made up his mind to
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go, and we hastily made preparations. He started from the house where his
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daughters had recently gone to live. It was after the tenth of the God's
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up. I could not know what had happened after he started, but all
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seemed happy. On that day he was accompanied by our boy. My husband
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wore a red coat and purple kimono and aster colored hakama, and carried a
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long sword. The boy wore blue figured clothes and red hakama, and they
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mounted the horses beside the verandah. When they had gone out noisily, I
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felt very, very lonely. As I had heard the province was not so
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distant. I was less hopeless than I had been before. The people who
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accompanied him to see him off returned the next day and told me that they
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had gone down with great show of splendor, and then, continuing, said
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they had seen human fire this morning starting from the company and flying towards the
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capitol. I tried to suppose it to be from someone of his retinue.
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How could I think the worst? I could think of nothing but how to
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bring up these younger ones. He came back the Deutsy a month of the
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next year, and passed the summer in ottomat home, and on the twenty
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fifth of the Long Night month he became ill ten fifty eight. On the
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fifth day of the tenth month, all became like dream. My sorrows could
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be compared to nothing in this world. Now I knew that my present state
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had been reflected in the mirror offered to the Hussit temple, where someone was
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seen weeping in agony. The reflection of the happier one had not been realized.
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That could never be in the future. On the twenty third we burned
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his remains with despairing hearts. My boy, who went down with him last
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autumn, being dressed exquisitely and much attended, followed the beer, weeping in
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black clothes with hateful things on them. My feeling when I saw him going
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out can never be expressed. I seemed to wander in dreams and thought that
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human life must soon cease. Here. If I had not given myself up
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to Vidal fictions and poetry, but had practiced religious austerities night and day,
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I would not have seen such a dream world. At Hasset Temple, a
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cedar branch was cast down to me by the Innati God. And this thing
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would not have happened if I had visited the Nary Shrine on my way home.
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The dreams which I had seen in these past years, which bid me
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pray to the heaven illuminating honored Goddess, meant that I should have been in
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the Imperial court as a nurse, sheltered behind the favor of the King and
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Queen. So the dream interpreter interpreted my dream, but I could not realize
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this. Only the sorrowful reflection in the mirror was realized unaltered, Oh pitiful
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and sorrowful eye. Thus nothing could happen as I willed, and I wondered
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in this world doing no virtues did for the future life. Life since to
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survive sorrows. But I was uneasy to thought that things would happen against my
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will. Even in the future life. There was only one thing I could
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rely on, ceaseless tears clouded mind, bright scene moon shadow. On the
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thirteenth of the tenth month, I dreamed one night. This dream there in
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the garden of my house, at the farthest ledge, stood Amitaba Buddha.
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He was not seen distinctly, but as if through a cloud. I could
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snatch a glimpse now and then when the cloud lifted. The lottice flower pedestal
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was three or four feet above the ground. The Buddha was about six feet
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high. Golden light shone forth. One hand was extended, the fingers of
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the other were bent in form of benediction. None but I could see him.
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Yet I felt such reverence that I dared not approach the blind to see
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him better. None but I might hear him saying, than this time I
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will go back, And afterwards came again to receive you. I was startled
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and awoke into the fourteenth day. This dream tim only was my hope for
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the life to come. I had lived with my husband's nephews, but after
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that sad event, we parted not to meet again. One very dark night
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I was visited by the nephew who was living at roc Ohara. I could
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not but welcome, so rar a guest no moon. At darkness deepens around
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obasute, Why have you come? It cannot be to see the moon.
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After that time, an intimate friend stopped all communication. She may be thinking
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that I am no more in this world. Yet my days are wasted in
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weeping. Weeping alas in the tenth month, I turned my eyes full of
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tears towards the intensely bright moon. Even into the mind, always clouded with
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grief, there is cast the reflection of the bright moon. Years and months
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passed away. Whenever I recollected the dreamlike incident, my mind was troubled and
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my eyes filled, so that I cannot think distinctly of those days. My
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people went to live elsewhere, and I remained alone in my solitary home.
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I was tired of meditation and sent a poem to one who had not called
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on me for a long time. Weeds grow before my gait, and my
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sleeves are wet with dew. No one calls on me. My tears are
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solitary. Alas she was a nun, and she sent an answer. The
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weeds before a dwelling house may remind you of me. Bushes Bury, the
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hat where lives the world deserted. One and of Section three