Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 366. HEADNOISE: Attachment theory, am I the a$$hole & is the responsibility of the relationship on me?

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366. HEADNOISE: Attachment theory, am I the a$$hole & is the responsibility of the relationship on me? · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of today.
0:17
Speaker 1: So this is a head noise episode. This is going
0:20
Speaker 1: to be another voice male episode, so where people send
0:24
Speaker 1: in their voicemails or voice messages and I get to
0:27
Speaker 1: answer them.
0:28
Speaker 2: I loved the last episode.
0:29
Speaker 1: The feedback on the last episode was so great as well,
0:32
Speaker 1: So thank you for everyone who gave me feedback before
0:35
Speaker 1: everyone who actually.
0:36
Speaker 2: You know, spoke in.
0:38
Speaker 1: I should say set the voice message, because I feel
0:41
Speaker 1: like it's such a cool way to I don't know.
0:45
Speaker 1: I feel like you hear the emotion in people's voices,
0:47
Speaker 1: you hear the tone in which they're delivering it. It's
0:49
Speaker 1: just DeepArt feels like I'm actually chatting to you. So
0:52
Speaker 1: love that so much, really appreciate it. Also for those
0:55
Speaker 1: of you that are hanging on to this Cortisol episode
0:59
Speaker 1: that I have announced and hyped up because I on
1:03
Speaker 1: my Instagram I put that I'm doing an episode on
1:06
Speaker 1: cortisol and also the mix of caffeine with cortisol and
1:10
Speaker 1: the effects of caffeine on cortisol.
1:12
Speaker 2: Release and all of that that is coming.
1:15
Speaker 1: However, I feel like I kind of created a bit
1:18
Speaker 1: of a monster for myself because I was like I'm
1:20
Speaker 1: doing a quartersole episode. Everyone asked questions. I had so
1:23
Speaker 1: many questions come through. It is probably one of the
1:26
Speaker 1: question boxes that has received I'm not exaggerating, Other than
1:30
Speaker 1: maybe once when I did something on break a specific
1:33
Speaker 1: breakup question, this is probably one of the biggest responses
1:37
Speaker 1: I've ever had. I'm talking hundreds and hundreds and hundreds
1:40
Speaker 1: of people asking about cortisol, cortisol, face, cafeine in the morning,
1:44
Speaker 1: can you drin coffee on an empty stomach?
1:46
Speaker 2: It is just blown up. So I'm like, I need to.
1:48
Speaker 1: Do, like go in depth with this, and it's probably
1:51
Speaker 1: going to be a two parter episode, but you're gonna
1:54
Speaker 1: love it. It's very it's going to be comprehensive, it's
1:56
Speaker 1: gonna be fun, it's going to be educational, it's going
1:58
Speaker 1: to be good time. So that's going to be coming
2:01
Speaker 1: in the next week or two. Okay, So stay tuned.
2:03
Speaker 2: Is happening right.
2:24
Speaker 3: Hello, my beautiful beans.
2:26
Speaker 1: Whether you're a long time listener to this podcast or
2:28
Speaker 1: tuning in for the first time, I hope you'll check
2:31
Speaker 1: out my new audio book, How to Chase Change Thirty
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2:57
Speaker 2: Now let's just die straight into the episode of today.
3:02
Speaker 1: So I'm going to play the voice messages.
3:06
Speaker 2: I love these voice messages.
3:07
Speaker 1: They're so good and I will be answering, So let's
3:10
Speaker 1: get started on the first one. And also, what I've
3:14
Speaker 1: done is that Shanaiah picks these voice messages and then
3:18
Speaker 1: when I listen to it, I'm listening to it for
3:20
Speaker 1: the first time, so she knows very well how to
3:23
Speaker 1: vet them based on you know, a lot of different things.
3:26
Speaker 1: But yeah, let's do it.
3:28
Speaker 4: Hey, let's sis. Have been listening to your podcast for
3:31
Speaker 4: a few months now. I absolutely love it. Honestly helped
3:35
Speaker 4: me change my life in many different ways. So growing up,
3:39
Speaker 4: my father was always away from work, coming in and
3:42
Speaker 4: out of my life. Would also make promises he couldn't keep.
3:45
Speaker 4: My stepfather wasn't around very much either. Mama always had
3:50
Speaker 4: to be mother and father figure. I also think I've
3:54
Speaker 4: formed some abandonment issues from this that has unfortunately affected
3:59
Speaker 4: my past real life relationship. Also formed a lot of
4:02
Speaker 4: anger from this that I'm still trying to overcome. Would
4:06
Speaker 4: love for you to do an episode on abandonment how
4:09
Speaker 4: you can heal from abandonment and not let it affect
4:13
Speaker 4: future relationships. Also had any brain facts around this as well,
4:19
Speaker 4: please would be amazing. Thank you so much, Queen, keep
4:22
Speaker 4: on killing it.
4:25
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for sending that in.
4:26
Speaker 1: That is a great question, and I feel like I
4:28
Speaker 1: do need to do an entire episode on abandonment, pain
4:31
Speaker 1: and all of that as far as from childhood and
4:33
Speaker 1: also within relationships as well. But there's a few resources
4:36
Speaker 1: that I can point to you to and a few
4:38
Speaker 1: like overarching tips that I can speak to. One really
4:42
Speaker 1: good thing is to listen to my episode on attachment
4:45
Speaker 1: theory which came out ages ago, and I talk about
4:48
Speaker 1: the different attachment styles and how the form of attachment
4:51
Speaker 1: that you had when being raised can and likely will
4:56
Speaker 1: heavily impact how you form attachments in your adult relationships.
5:01
Speaker 1: Now not in every case, and there are definitely outlies,
5:04
Speaker 1: and you can also form different attachment styles through things
5:07
Speaker 1: that happen to you later on in life that is
5:08
Speaker 1: all true. But for the most part, that's what attachment
5:11
Speaker 1: theory is based on, and there's a lot of evidence
5:14
Speaker 1: and you.
5:14
Speaker 2: Know, the huge body of work that supports that.
5:17
Speaker 1: So when you look at how you are attached, if
5:20
Speaker 1: you constantly were let down or felt unloved or felt
5:25
Speaker 1: like bottom of the priority, then you're likely going to
5:28
Speaker 1: have some kind of attachment like anxious attachment or anxious
5:32
Speaker 1: avoidant attachment style. Okay, so the number one thing that
5:37
Speaker 1: you want to do is really understand which one it
5:39
Speaker 1: is and then once you understand which kind of anxious
5:43
Speaker 1: attachment style it is, because there's only one that's secure.
5:46
Speaker 1: The other three are either you know, there's avoidant. There's
5:49
Speaker 1: also disorganized attachment as well. So number one is identifying
5:53
Speaker 1: which one it is and getting clear on what that
5:55
Speaker 1: looks like because you're going to realize that you're not
5:57
Speaker 1: alone in this. There's a lot of well a there's
6:01
Speaker 1: many people that have gone through it as well, but
6:02
Speaker 1: there's a lot of things that you can read up
6:04
Speaker 1: on it that's going to help you truly literally understand
6:06
Speaker 1: why you perceive situations the way you do and why
6:08
Speaker 1: you have these beliefs about what you're deserving off or
6:11
Speaker 1: what you're likely to get, which then determines how willing
6:14
Speaker 1: you are to drop your wall, to trust somebody, to
6:16
Speaker 1: allow yourself to love somebody. But the main thing is
6:20
Speaker 1: do the reading, do the research, and it's not about blaming.
6:24
Speaker 1: You never want to get stuck in a position of blaming,
6:27
Speaker 1: because while it's true that it's completely unfair what might
6:31
Speaker 1: have happened to you growing up, the main aim in
6:34
Speaker 1: what you are doing is to move forward so you yourself
6:38
Speaker 1: can lean into a healthier or a healthy attachment style
6:42
Speaker 1: secure attached is what it's called, and so you can
6:46
Speaker 1: have better opportunities within your relationships. You can be happier,
6:49
Speaker 1: so you can feel safer all of the above. It's
6:53
Speaker 1: I think good to acknowledge where something has come from.
6:55
Speaker 1: But I don't want you to pause there, or wait there,
6:58
Speaker 1: or get stuck there and sit in this blame game
7:01
Speaker 1: of like you did this, you did that, because I
7:03
Speaker 1: think acknowledging it is fine and then thinking, regardless of
7:06
Speaker 1: whose fold it is or what happened, it is now
7:09
Speaker 1: up to me to take this knowledge and make some
7:13
Speaker 1: changes with it, and I'm going to do it in
7:15
Speaker 1: the most peaceful way possible.
7:16
Speaker 2: I'm not trying to dig up more stuff.
7:18
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to make myself feel worse here, and
7:20
Speaker 1: blaming someone can actually make you feel like hold onto
7:24
Speaker 1: more animosity or hold onto you know, pain. But more so,
7:28
Speaker 1: it really serves to teach you as to why your
7:31
Speaker 1: brain is responding the way it is. It's not about
7:34
Speaker 1: there being a flaw, it's not about something being wrong
7:37
Speaker 1: with you. It more comes down to you know this
7:40
Speaker 1: was occurring, so my brain learned these lessons and chose
7:43
Speaker 1: to protect me in this way. Okay, and now that
7:46
Speaker 1: I understand that, I'm able to then move forward with that,
7:48
Speaker 1: so lean into So I can't give you a straight
7:51
Speaker 1: up answer because it's very long and convoluted, but definitely
7:54
Speaker 1: go into attachment theory, look at different anxious attachment styles.
7:58
Speaker 1: Potentially disorganized, but I think think it might be one
8:00
Speaker 1: of the more anxious attachment styles, and then try and
8:04
Speaker 1: learn as much about that as possible, and then listen
8:07
Speaker 1: to my episode also on anxious attachment and see if
8:09
Speaker 1: that one helps as well. So thank you so much
8:11
Speaker 1: for sending that in. I really appreciate it.
8:14
Speaker 2: Okay, next one.
8:18
Speaker 5: Hey, alexis just a quick one.
8:21
Speaker 6: I have a friend who I would have considered my
8:23
Speaker 6: best friend, and things have been getting a little bit
8:25
Speaker 6: odd lately. Anyways, I went out with a separate group
8:28
Speaker 6: of friends tonight and signed into the pub and my
8:32
Speaker 6: ID popped up that this best friend of mine had
8:36
Speaker 6: used my ID previously in the night to get in,
8:43
Speaker 6: and I asked the security guard like what, how what
8:50
Speaker 6: and she was like, yeah, she had the physical card,
8:52
Speaker 6: your physical license because I use my map on my friend.
8:56
Speaker 6: And I was like, that's so weird. Anyways, got and
9:00
Speaker 6: realized that my license is on in my wallet.
9:02
Speaker 5: So turns out that this friend has stolen my license.
9:09
Speaker 5: It's super weird and I don't know why. I don't
9:12
Speaker 5: know what story is behind it, why she's doing it.
9:16
Speaker 5: I don't know if she's you know, her license has
9:22
Speaker 5: been taken off her. At the moment, I'm not sure.
9:24
Speaker 6: It's so odd, and I don't know how to go
9:26
Speaker 6: about bringing it up with her. I'm super like non confrontational,
9:31
Speaker 6: and I'm a really trusting person, so I feel like
9:33
Speaker 6: my trust has been abused majorly. But I don't know
9:36
Speaker 6: what to do. It's super tricky and feels super icky. Anyways,
9:43
Speaker 6: Please help I love you.
9:45
Speaker 5: Thanks.
9:46
Speaker 2: Wow.
9:46
Speaker 1: I'd love to watch like the footage back of my
9:48
Speaker 1: facial expressions that whole time. I'm like, what, oh my god,
9:51
Speaker 1: what if you're watching this on Spotify, you can see
9:53
Speaker 1: all the expressions on my face.
9:55
Speaker 2: But what the fuck? Can I just say?
9:58
Speaker 5: What?
9:59
Speaker 7: Who?
10:00
Speaker 2: Where? And why? So firstly, she's stolen from you number one.
10:06
Speaker 1: That is beyond okay, beyond the scope of what a
10:10
Speaker 1: friendship is about. She's stolen from you, she's lied to you,
10:15
Speaker 1: and then she's gone and okay, oh god, consent.
10:19
Speaker 2: There's so many things going on here.
10:22
Speaker 1: For those of you that aren't, I don't know if
10:23
Speaker 1: it's only in New South Wales, but there's a handful
10:25
Speaker 1: of states at least. We're definitely New South Wales. Just
10:27
Speaker 1: to clarify what that means. We use a digital license,
10:31
Speaker 1: so our license is on our phones. There's an app
10:33
Speaker 1: with our driver's license on it, but we also get
10:35
Speaker 1: issued a physical driver's license card. I know there are
10:38
Speaker 1: some states or even internationally that may or may not
10:40
Speaker 1: have the digital version and a physical version. So obviously
10:44
Speaker 1: when you check into like the RSL and they need
10:46
Speaker 1: your ID, you can hand in the physical version or
10:50
Speaker 1: show the digital. So obviously that's what's happened here. That's
10:52
Speaker 1: why there's two versions of the license. Now, how did
10:56
Speaker 1: you know? I wish I could ask you this? How
10:58
Speaker 1: did you know it was her? Because she would have
10:59
Speaker 1: signed in under your name if she was using your ID.
11:02
Speaker 1: So how did you know it was her? Is it
11:03
Speaker 1: because you're already suspect this behavior of her? Maybe they
11:06
Speaker 1: had Ah, that's weird. Anyway, did they take a photo
11:09
Speaker 1: of you as well as the license? I don't know anyway.
11:11
Speaker 1: Can I just say number one, that's not what a
11:15
Speaker 1: friend does. You said she's your best friend. That's not respectful.
11:20
Speaker 1: If she's lost her license, either lost it as it's
11:22
Speaker 1: been taken off her, or if she's physically lost her
11:25
Speaker 1: license and doesn't have the digital copy, or if she's
11:29
Speaker 1: allowed her license to expire and can't be fucked renewing
11:32
Speaker 1: it for whatever reason. So there's the three reasons of
11:34
Speaker 1: why she might not have a license. It still does
11:38
Speaker 1: not excuse stealing. And if you want to use a
11:41
Speaker 1: fake ID or use someone else's ID, she could have
11:46
Speaker 1: just said, Babe, I'm hard up, I need to get
11:49
Speaker 1: into the RSL or I need a night out. Can
11:51
Speaker 1: I please borrow your license whatever, you likely would have
11:55
Speaker 1: at least been like not judgmental of her asking because
11:58
Speaker 1: I'd always that wouldn't shock me for another for that,
12:01
Speaker 1: And then you could either want to help them or
12:02
Speaker 1: not or whatever. But you'd have a decision if you
12:04
Speaker 1: want to lend her your ID. Okay, this is like
12:07
Speaker 1: identity theft or whatever on like a smaller scale, but
12:10
Speaker 1: it literally is the Next thing you've got to realize
12:13
Speaker 1: is it's all about consent as well. So what if
12:16
Speaker 1: in the past you had let her use your ID once.
12:20
Speaker 1: Maybe you've done it in the past where you've let
12:22
Speaker 1: her use it once to get into somewhere.
12:24
Speaker 2: Even then it's not okay because you've got to ask
12:26
Speaker 2: for permission every time.
12:28
Speaker 1: It's kind of like that whole thing of if someone
12:30
Speaker 1: borrows your car one time, it doesn't mean that they
12:32
Speaker 1: are now entitled to use your car whenever they fuck
12:36
Speaker 1: they want. They need to ask every single time, so
12:38
Speaker 1: there is no reason or excuse or no explanation.
12:41
Speaker 2: As to why that behavior is okay.
12:43
Speaker 1: All right, so she didn't ask for consent this time,
12:46
Speaker 1: if ever, and then she's also gone into your staff,
12:50
Speaker 1: your wallets retrieved. This fucking card and then gone and
12:55
Speaker 1: used it without letting you know about it, without asking
12:58
Speaker 1: for it, without saying hey, sorry, not so. I know
13:00
Speaker 1: you're not confrontational, but this is next level shit, and
13:03
Speaker 1: you have to say something. Okay Now, I think it
13:07
Speaker 1: might be easier for someone that's not confrontational to do
13:09
Speaker 1: this over writing. It's always easier to do something overwriting.
13:14
Speaker 1: You obviously are sure that it's her.
13:15
Speaker 2: I don't know what.
13:18
Speaker 1: Your evidence is. Obviously you know it's definitely her who
13:21
Speaker 1: did it. Maybe they showed you the photo.
13:22
Speaker 2: I don't know.
13:23
Speaker 1: So I would write up a very strongly worded message
13:28
Speaker 1: and say I don't know what your reasonings are, and
13:30
Speaker 1: I'm more than happy for you to explain to me
13:33
Speaker 1: what that is. However, stealing from me is such a
13:37
Speaker 1: breach of trust. It's not even like I don't know
13:41
Speaker 1: why you thought that was acceptable. I would love for
13:43
Speaker 1: you to try to explain yourself, but I don't understand
13:46
Speaker 1: how you think it's acceptable to steal from a best
13:49
Speaker 1: friend who she's not a friend. And I would you know,
13:54
Speaker 1: I will give you the opportunity to try and explain
13:55
Speaker 1: yourself because you are my friend. But none of this
13:57
Speaker 1: is making sense. And the fact that you haven't even
14:01
Speaker 1: you know, come to me. You haven't you just think
14:03
Speaker 1: that I would like lose my line? Like, what did
14:05
Speaker 1: you think that? How do you think that I would
14:06
Speaker 1: respond to this? I would write all of this down
14:09
Speaker 1: in a text message and send it. And you know what,
14:11
Speaker 1: there's a chance that friendship is going to take a
14:13
Speaker 1: massive hit, and a massive like it's going to drop
14:18
Speaker 1: down significantly in the rungs of friendship as far as
14:20
Speaker 1: the hierarchy of friendships go, or you're going.
14:22
Speaker 2: To lose a friend altogether.
14:23
Speaker 1: But I feel like that level of trust, especially going
14:26
Speaker 1: through your shit and stealing from you, especially if you
14:29
Speaker 1: don't have that kind of relationship where you like trawl
14:31
Speaker 1: through people's shit and just grab whatever you want. I
14:33
Speaker 1: know some people have that kind of friendship. And maybe
14:35
Speaker 1: she thought a license is the same as borrowing a
14:37
Speaker 1: pair of shoes.
14:38
Speaker 2: I don't know, But.
14:39
Speaker 1: If this is not normal within your friendship, then it's
14:42
Speaker 1: not okay.
14:43
Speaker 2: So I would just send it in a message.
14:45
Speaker 1: Don't you don't have to confront her verbally, and don't
14:47
Speaker 1: come it from angry, come from it from I need
14:51
Speaker 1: some sort of clarity around why you thought this was okay,
14:54
Speaker 1: And why you thought that this is an okay thing
14:56
Speaker 1: to do as a friend? Okay, because if there was
14:59
Speaker 1: a reason why you didn't have a license, that still
15:01
Speaker 1: does not explain why you stole and lied to a friend.
15:04
Speaker 1: All Right, this is outrageous and everyone who's listening to
15:08
Speaker 1: this is going to be like, not one of my
15:09
Speaker 1: friends would do that shit to me ever, Okay. And
15:12
Speaker 1: it's not saying you've got to hate her and hut
15:13
Speaker 1: her out, but just say this behavior is an absolute joke.
15:16
Speaker 2: I'm gonna let you explain yourself, but you've got to start.
15:18
Speaker 1: You need to grow up because you're not going to
15:22
Speaker 1: keep many friends along the way if you are doing
15:24
Speaker 1: this kind of shit.
15:25
Speaker 2: Wow, Babe, I'd be I'd be pissed off.
15:28
Speaker 1: Imagine if Lives stole my Ida with her like white
15:32
Speaker 1: blonde hair trying to pass off as a Uruguayan long.
15:55
Speaker 2: Okay.
15:56
Speaker 7: Third one him calling in from New York, and my
16:03
Speaker 7: question is I've been in a relationship now for about
16:07
Speaker 7: a year and four months and we've been.
16:10
Speaker 8: Kind of having a lot of issues lately. Not a
16:13
Speaker 8: lot of issues, just small stuff, but we've been having
16:15
Speaker 8: fights here and there, and a lot of times during
16:19
Speaker 8: these conversations, the idea comes up from my girlfriend where
16:22
Speaker 8: she's like, I can understand if you want something else,
16:26
Speaker 8: I couldn't understand that this isn't working for you. And like,
16:30
Speaker 8: over the course of our relationship, she's probably said things
16:34
Speaker 8: like that almost a couple dozen times, and I always
16:38
Speaker 8: come back and I'm like, no, you know, this is
16:41
Speaker 8: what I want. And then you know, I try to
16:44
Speaker 8: make sure that this is also what she wants, but
16:48
Speaker 8: the thought is just lodged in the back of my
16:50
Speaker 8: head of like every time she says something where she
16:55
Speaker 8: allows me she's giving me permission to break up with her,
16:59
Speaker 8: I don't know if that's what she wants me to do.
17:02
Speaker 8: And then I keep bucking the trend, and it's created
17:07
Speaker 8: this deep insecurity that like the responsibility of this relationship
17:11
Speaker 8: is on me, like whether or not it goes on,
17:13
Speaker 8: and like is she just with me because she likes
17:16
Speaker 8: the security and she will never willfully leave me? But
17:19
Speaker 8: if I left that would be okay. So I'm having
17:22
Speaker 8: trouble trying to figure that out.
17:25
Speaker 1: That is such a good question, and I feel like
17:28
Speaker 1: so many people hopefully can like relate to this and
17:31
Speaker 1: see themselves in you, because that is very much a
17:36
Speaker 1: kind of knee jerk response when you feel threatened or
17:38
Speaker 1: where you feel like something is at risk, that you'll
17:43
Speaker 1: kind of pull the other way. I actually think it's
17:45
Speaker 1: the opposite based on what I know about this topic,
17:51
Speaker 1: and I actually think it's a form of insecure attachment
17:54
Speaker 1: in the sense of so a lot of people who
17:57
Speaker 1: have a kind of instant back to attachment. This is
17:58
Speaker 1: a whole attachment theory podcast, which I love. But back
18:01
Speaker 1: to this idea of different styles of attachment. One of
18:05
Speaker 1: the things that happens in insecure attachment is that you believe,
18:09
Speaker 1: you genuinely believe that you may not be deserving off
18:15
Speaker 1: love like somebody else is, or you feel like you're
18:17
Speaker 1: not as lovable as maybe somebody else is. So in
18:21
Speaker 1: the back of your mind, and I'm talking from her perspective,
18:24
Speaker 1: not yours, she might be feeling I'm not worthy of love,
18:28
Speaker 1: I'm not as lovable, and not to a crazy degree.
18:30
Speaker 2: Because you've got to look at insecure.
18:32
Speaker 1: Attachment and anxious attachment on a spectrum. Okay, so there's
18:36
Speaker 1: some where it's like fully off the charts, and there's
18:38
Speaker 1: some that it's kind of creeping up in the back end.
18:41
Speaker 1: So you could be like, oh, but she's not really
18:42
Speaker 1: anxious in general, that's okay because it might not be
18:45
Speaker 1: like blowing up at the upper end of this kind
18:48
Speaker 1: of spectrum. But it's this idea of it's almost like
18:51
Speaker 1: a self fulfilling prophecy, unintentional. It's not like people want
18:54
Speaker 1: to be abandoned, but they think, I'm unlovable. This is
18:57
Speaker 1: my belief, and this is what I believe to be true.
19:00
Speaker 1: There's someone out there who they love more. There's this,
19:02
Speaker 1: there's that. So then when there's conflict, they think, does
19:07
Speaker 1: this person feel stuck that they need to love me?
19:09
Speaker 3: Does they?
19:09
Speaker 1: And so they then will challenge you and normally what
19:13
Speaker 1: they're wanting for the most part in nineteen nine point
19:17
Speaker 1: nine percent of the cases is they want you to
19:19
Speaker 1: turn around and say that's not what I want. I
19:20
Speaker 1: donmint it, And that's where they get there. There you
19:23
Speaker 1: reaffirm that you actually do love them. That's where they
19:26
Speaker 1: feel safe and secure in that moment, and they're seeking
19:30
Speaker 1: this validation and saying you can leave if you want,
19:33
Speaker 1: you can always live if you want. It's a form
19:35
Speaker 1: of seeking validation. It's kind of double edged that's how
19:38
Speaker 1: they seek their validation. Because you then turn around and
19:40
Speaker 1: say that's not what I want. I love you, I
19:41
Speaker 1: want to be with you whatever. It stops what you're
19:44
Speaker 1: actually arguing about, because you've made it about something bigger.
19:46
Speaker 1: Now you've made it about the actual longevity or the
19:49
Speaker 1: existence of the relationship instead of this one thing you
19:51
Speaker 1: were arguing about. So it kind of throws it, of course,
19:54
Speaker 1: and it makes them feel, you know, like safe in
19:57
Speaker 1: that moment. But then if you w to leave, you
20:01
Speaker 1: would affirm a belief that she had being like, see,
20:05
Speaker 1: I knew it.
20:05
Speaker 2: I knew it.
20:06
Speaker 1: I knew it, that they're going to eventually leave me,
20:10
Speaker 1: or that I'm not really that lovable because people don't
20:12
Speaker 1: stick around. Okay, I do not believe that she's kind
20:15
Speaker 1: of saying, I don't want to be here, but I'm
20:17
Speaker 1: trying to give you the out. For the most part,
20:19
Speaker 1: that's not really how people will, you know. I think
20:23
Speaker 1: this is coming from an kind of anxious attachment and
20:28
Speaker 1: she needs to feel loved and validated in that.
20:31
Speaker 2: Moment, and she wants not saying that it's okay.
20:34
Speaker 1: And when I released an Anxious Attachment episode recently, I
20:38
Speaker 1: spoke about how it can be really really challenging for
20:41
Speaker 1: someone who's more securely attached to be in these situations
20:44
Speaker 1: because they feel exactly that. And I said it, like,
20:47
Speaker 1: I think it's two or three weeks ago the episode
20:48
Speaker 1: came out. I said that for someone that's securely attached,
20:51
Speaker 1: when they're constantly being asked this, they start to think,
20:54
Speaker 1: do you even want this? Which is exactly what you're thinking,
20:56
Speaker 1: which is a normal response because when you're a securely
20:58
Speaker 1: attached you think if you're saying that and you feel
21:01
Speaker 1: that you're worthy of love in general, then this means
21:04
Speaker 1: that you mustn't want to be in this relationship. So
21:06
Speaker 1: the way that you would calculate this is going to
21:08
Speaker 1: be very different to how she may be calculating this.
21:10
Speaker 2: Okay, It's very challenging coming from.
21:13
Speaker 1: Your perspective because every time you have a conflict, you
21:16
Speaker 1: come across this existential question about the relationship and you're like,
21:20
Speaker 1: that's not at all where this conversation was heading, and
21:22
Speaker 1: now it's here, which is it's kind of been derailed. Okay,
21:27
Speaker 1: So what I recommend you do is when things are
21:31
Speaker 1: good with her, I.
21:33
Speaker 2: Want you to.
21:35
Speaker 1: Sit down and say I'd love to talk about some
21:37
Speaker 1: things about how we resolve conflict, so that way, next
21:41
Speaker 1: time something does crop up, we can still be each
21:43
Speaker 1: other's safe space and we can still you know, discuss
21:46
Speaker 1: things like in depth without feeling threatened, without feeling unsafe,
21:51
Speaker 1: and mind you, it's important to do this when you're
21:53
Speaker 1: not arguing. I know it's hard to bring up these
21:55
Speaker 1: kinds of conversations when things are good. It's it's so
21:58
Speaker 1: hard because normally, when things are good, you're like, I
22:00
Speaker 1: don't want to fucking bring up a hard conversation.
22:01
Speaker 2: I want to ride the good wave.
22:03
Speaker 1: You've got to do it in a really gentle, open,
22:05
Speaker 1: safe space and say, look, I want to talk about
22:07
Speaker 1: this because I love you, I love our relationship.
22:10
Speaker 2: I really value where it's headed. I just want to
22:12
Speaker 2: make it better.
22:12
Speaker 1: And I think that if we can really nail how
22:15
Speaker 1: we resolve conflict, we can just get stronger. So already
22:19
Speaker 1: you're approaching it from an angle of I want more
22:22
Speaker 1: longevity out of this relationship. I want you, I want
22:25
Speaker 1: us to be a team. But can we talk about
22:27
Speaker 1: this thing. It might not be easy to talk about,
22:29
Speaker 1: but I've already prefaced it with this is what I want,
22:31
Speaker 1: So let's talk and then once she's aware that that's
22:35
Speaker 1: what you want to talk about, just say I notice
22:37
Speaker 1: that every time we have these arguments about anything, you
22:40
Speaker 1: then question me on if I want to be in
22:42
Speaker 1: this relationship or if or that I'm welcome to leave.
22:45
Speaker 1: I understand that this might be coming from you fearing
22:49
Speaker 1: that I don't love you as much as I say
22:51
Speaker 1: I do, But from my perspective, it makes me feel
22:54
Speaker 1: that maybe you don't want to be in this relationship,
22:56
Speaker 1: and I don't want to feel like that when we
22:58
Speaker 1: have an argument. I don't want an argument to represent
23:01
Speaker 1: that we don't love each other.
23:02
Speaker 2: You know, people that love each other are allowed to disagree,
23:05
Speaker 2: they are allowed.
23:06
Speaker 1: To argue, they are allowed to have conflict, And I
23:08
Speaker 1: don't want every time we have a conflict to feel
23:11
Speaker 1: unsafe about the status of our relationship. So let's find
23:14
Speaker 1: ways to work around that. Let's find ways that or
23:17
Speaker 1: things that I can say for you to feel safe
23:19
Speaker 1: and for me to feel safe in this space when
23:21
Speaker 1: we talk about these things. I think a conversation like
23:24
Speaker 1: that makes her feel seen and heard, but also makes
23:28
Speaker 1: her feel safe without you validating every time. In insecurity,
23:31
Speaker 1: you're saying bigger picture kind of thing. I'm not here
23:34
Speaker 1: trying to like make you feel validated when you're fishing
23:38
Speaker 1: for it, but instead I'm trying to lay the foundations
23:42
Speaker 1: down of a healthy relationship so you feel validated more
23:46
Speaker 1: regularly instead of when you're having these peaks of insecurity
23:50
Speaker 1: about the relationship, which of course is going to peak
23:51
Speaker 1: during an argument, and then you're seeking validation in that
23:54
Speaker 1: kind of way, which then makes me think you don't
23:56
Speaker 1: want to be here.
23:57
Speaker 2: Okay, So hopefully that helps.
23:59
Speaker 1: But I think having that conversation when things are good
24:01
Speaker 1: and calm is actually quite crucial, but the way you
24:05
Speaker 1: open up and talk about it.
24:07
Speaker 2: Is going to be really really important.
24:09
Speaker 1: I have those conversations with Tyrone all the time, not
24:10
Speaker 1: about this specific topic, but when I want to raise
24:13
Speaker 1: something about our relationship, I do it when we're calm
24:15
Speaker 1: and good, and I always preface it with I love
24:18
Speaker 1: how things are going.
24:19
Speaker 2: But there's one thing that I really want to talk.
24:21
Speaker 1: About because I feel that we could tackle this better,
24:24
Speaker 1: and I feel like every time we approach these things,
24:27
Speaker 1: we actually put it into practice and it takes our
24:29
Speaker 1: relationship to the next level. So this is just another
24:31
Speaker 1: thing I'd like to discuss and he always welcomes it
24:34
Speaker 1: quite well, and I feel the first time I ever
24:36
Speaker 1: did it with him, he was a bit like oh
24:37
Speaker 1: oh oh, surprise and a bit but I'm such a
24:39
Speaker 1: communicator that he kind of got used to it and
24:41
Speaker 1: now he's like, yeah, yeah, let's talk, you know, so
24:44
Speaker 1: it will become something that's quite easy to talk. Maybe
24:47
Speaker 1: the first time it's going to feel a bit like
24:49
Speaker 1: clunky and hard, but it's all in your approach and
24:52
Speaker 1: how much of a safe space you create for each other.
24:54
Speaker 1: So thank you for sending that in awesome question. All right,
24:58
Speaker 1: last one for the episode.
25:01
Speaker 9: Hi, Queen, I love your podcast a lot. I'm just
25:05
Speaker 9: going to go for this because I noticed I've only
25:08
Speaker 9: got ninety seconds here, so basically, I feel like I've
25:13
Speaker 9: been a bit of an asshole. I went to go
25:17
Speaker 9: mountain biking with a friend and we kind of joined
25:21
Speaker 9: up to do this like mountain biking girls group thing.
25:26
Speaker 10: It wasn't the first time we've done it, but anyway,
25:30
Speaker 10: I show up, my friend's already there and they've got
25:32
Speaker 10: like this workshop happening, and I was just feeling really
25:38
Speaker 10: irritated that day, Like I was just jittery. I was
25:43
Speaker 10: so impatient I politely excused myself and decided to go
25:50
Speaker 10: up the trails by myself. And anyway I did that,
25:57
Speaker 10: my friend kind of asked me like, Okay, are you
25:59
Speaker 10: okay blah blah blah, and I said like, yeah, I am.
26:03
Speaker 10: Don't worry about me, have fun, like I'm just gonna go,
26:07
Speaker 10: which was sort of it was sort of risky. Basically,
26:11
Speaker 10: now she it's not very happy with me. I did apologize,
26:17
Speaker 10: but yeah, I'm just wondering if you think I'm the
26:21
Speaker 10: asshole here. I kind of feel like I am. I
26:24
Speaker 10: wish I had a bit more time to go into
26:25
Speaker 10: detail here, but I don't. Anyway, thanks again for your
26:28
Speaker 10: awesome podcast.
26:30
Speaker 1: Okay, I love that you sent that in. That's great
26:32
Speaker 1: look being very light putting this very lightly.
26:36
Speaker 2: Yes, you are the asshole in it. But I want
26:39
Speaker 2: to talk about how this can be resolved relatively easily.
26:42
Speaker 1: And I'm going to talk about why I think it
26:44
Speaker 1: was such an issue with your friend, And this all
26:46
Speaker 1: comes down to communication.
26:48
Speaker 2: Why it was an issue is.
26:49
Speaker 1: The lack of communication, and how you're going to resolve
26:51
Speaker 1: this is with really great communication. So what I gather
26:54
Speaker 1: is that you both decided to do something together as friends,
26:58
Speaker 1: and you're joining another group because which you're obviously not
27:00
Speaker 1: close with because you said you've done it before, but
27:02
Speaker 1: it seems like you're not close with these other people.
27:04
Speaker 1: So your friend was probably expecting to be having a
27:06
Speaker 1: nice adventure, yes, with a group, but with you, Okay.
27:09
Speaker 2: Otherwise she would have just signed up and done it
27:10
Speaker 2: on her own.
27:11
Speaker 1: She wanted to do this with you, so she already
27:13
Speaker 1: had a level of expectation from you, as she would
27:16
Speaker 1: because you both were doing it. You both had agreed
27:18
Speaker 1: to do this thing, okay, So that's number one. She
27:20
Speaker 1: had an expectation of how the day was going to go.
27:23
Speaker 1: You're feeling a certain way, which is completely valid. You're
27:26
Speaker 1: not feeling great, You're jittering, you might be feeling off, stressed, anxious,
27:29
Speaker 1: whatever these feelings are.
27:30
Speaker 2: You're not feeling great. You get there.
27:32
Speaker 1: Later, so already you probably feel detached from the group.
27:34
Speaker 1: You're not on their wavelength because you've arrived a bit later.
27:36
Speaker 1: That's probably exacerbating these feelings that you're having. Okay, so
27:41
Speaker 1: now you're probably finding it harder to click. And then
27:43
Speaker 1: you think, oh, probably like I'm got head noise or whatever.
27:45
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna like tap out and go off. First
27:48
Speaker 1: mistake here is your lack of communication with your friend.
27:51
Speaker 2: Okay. Then when she tries to reach out to be like,
27:55
Speaker 2: motherfuck's going on? Like are you okay?
27:57
Speaker 1: You then kind of semi brush her off and say
28:01
Speaker 1: have fun, and she's kind of like, wait a minute,
28:05
Speaker 1: can't We said we're going to think together, and now
28:08
Speaker 1: you're telling me to have fun while you leave.
28:10
Speaker 2: So she's quite confused and.
28:12
Speaker 1: Probably doesn't understand what's going on and is a bit off.
28:15
Speaker 1: But meanwhile, you're like, I'm so in my head if
28:17
Speaker 1: I stay around her, I'm probably gonna have this foul
28:20
Speaker 1: energy and then I'm gonna piss her off even more.
28:22
Speaker 1: So I understand that you're like, I'm better off removing
28:24
Speaker 1: myself because I'm like irritable, I'm agitated, I'm not gonna
28:29
Speaker 1: be a good time, and I'm probably just gonna whatever.
28:31
Speaker 1: So I get it, But look at how differently this
28:34
Speaker 1: could have gone. You could have had the initial go
28:38
Speaker 1: off on your own. She's thought it's weird. She's then
28:40
Speaker 1: approached you, and you could have just pulled her aside
28:42
Speaker 1: and said, Babe, I don't know what the fuck's going on,
28:44
Speaker 1: but my head I'm just like not, I'm not in
28:48
Speaker 1: a fucking good zone today. I'm so sorry, But do
28:51
Speaker 1: you mind if I just kind of go off for
28:53
Speaker 1: a bit, like I don't want to ruin your day.
28:55
Speaker 1: Let's like reconvene at the end. But like I've just
28:58
Speaker 1: got crazy anxiety or I've just got like I don't
29:01
Speaker 1: know what it is.
29:02
Speaker 2: I just feel like I need to just like shake
29:04
Speaker 2: off this energy. Is that okay? Like do you mind?
29:06
Speaker 1: Do you understand? Notice the difference communication. She's instantly like,
29:11
Speaker 1: oh my god, babe, like if a friend did that
29:14
Speaker 1: to me, but it was really open being like I'm
29:16
Speaker 1: just it's not it for me today. This ain't fucking it.
29:20
Speaker 1: Not feeling good. I still need so the outcome's still
29:23
Speaker 1: the same. I still have to go off on my own.
29:24
Speaker 1: I still need to clear my head. This is not
29:26
Speaker 1: the environment where.
29:27
Speaker 2: It's going to happen. If anything, I might be more irritable.
29:29
Speaker 1: I'm also apologizing that we did have a plan and
29:31
Speaker 1: now I'm going against that plan. So I'm acknowledging it
29:34
Speaker 1: and I'm apologizing, but I'm being really open.
29:37
Speaker 2: I've pulled you aside.
29:38
Speaker 1: You feel heard, you feel listened to them, able to
29:40
Speaker 1: tell you how I feel, and because of that intimacy
29:42
Speaker 1: in our conversation, you're likely to receive it a whole
29:45
Speaker 1: lot better than me saying oh, I'm fine, you have
29:47
Speaker 1: fun and then leaving.
29:49
Speaker 2: So because that didn't happen, you can still do it
29:52
Speaker 2: after the fact.
29:53
Speaker 1: So with an apology, there's many kinds of apologies. One
29:56
Speaker 1: apology is i'm sorry, I'm sorry for what happened and whatever.
30:00
Speaker 1: That's just and i'm sorry, And that's very surface level apology.
30:03
Speaker 1: That's kind of like what when you make a child
30:05
Speaker 1: apologize and you're like, apologize to.
30:07
Speaker 5: For kicking whatever over. I'm sorry.
30:11
Speaker 1: There's no acknowledgment, there's no true like emotion behind it,
30:14
Speaker 1: there's no understanding of each other's feelings. Then a deeper
30:19
Speaker 1: apology would be like, hey, babe, I know I said
30:21
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but can do you mind if we talk?
30:23
Speaker 1: I'd really want to like just nut this out. I
30:26
Speaker 1: realize now that through my behavior I came across as rude,
30:32
Speaker 1: maybe like really dismissive of you. And when you start
30:36
Speaker 1: to acknowledge the ins and outs of what happened, your
30:39
Speaker 1: friend feels hurt. An apology where they feel heard and understood.
30:42
Speaker 2: Is a much.
30:44
Speaker 1: It weighs so much more because you're saying, I've processed this.
30:49
Speaker 2: I've looked at it from your perspective.
30:51
Speaker 1: I've seen how it affected you, even even if I
30:55
Speaker 1: still was going to do it regardless, but I've seen
30:57
Speaker 1: how you've seen it, and I all also want.
31:00
Speaker 2: To explain myself. So that's a much deeper, better apology.
31:03
Speaker 1: So I don't know how you did apologize, but try
31:05
Speaker 1: and think what was the quality of that apology, because
31:07
Speaker 1: hopefully you're able to give a much better quality.
31:10
Speaker 2: You would say, Babe, A thought about it, and I've
31:12
Speaker 2: really seen how this could have affected you.
31:14
Speaker 1: And I just want to say I feel like I
31:15
Speaker 1: was the asshole in this situation and I don't like that,
31:18
Speaker 1: and I don't think it's fair. We'd agreed to do
31:20
Speaker 1: this together. I could have communicated a lot better. Yes,
31:23
Speaker 1: I had crazy head noise, but I kind of brushed
31:25
Speaker 1: you off and dismissed you, and I was rude, And
31:27
Speaker 1: I can see it from your point ifview have thought
31:29
Speaker 1: about it, and it's not fair on you, I am
31:31
Speaker 1: really sorry. That's a much different like I don't Again,
31:35
Speaker 1: I don't know how you apologize, but if someone apologized
31:37
Speaker 1: to me like that, I'd be like, Wow, they really
31:38
Speaker 1: took the time to think about how it affected me.
31:41
Speaker 1: And everyone has bad days and I say that they
31:43
Speaker 1: were just having a bad day, and I'm not going
31:45
Speaker 1: to hold it against them, and I'm not going to
31:46
Speaker 1: hold a grudge bang instantly feel I don't. I'm not angry,
31:50
Speaker 1: I'm not harboring. But if someone just did that to
31:53
Speaker 1: me and dismissed me I was like sorry, I'd be.
31:56
Speaker 2: Like, what the fuck?
31:58
Speaker 1: What the fuck just happened? And I know they still
32:01
Speaker 1: pissed off at me and what like. It all comes
32:04
Speaker 1: down to communication. So yeah, you might have been the
32:06
Speaker 1: arshole in this situation, but there might have been a
32:07
Speaker 1: reason why you needed to leave. You might have been
32:09
Speaker 1: like like on edge, But it's just comes down to
32:12
Speaker 1: how you communicate with your friend. And if she's a friend,
32:15
Speaker 1: she's likely going to be able to understand what you
32:18
Speaker 1: have to say and it will be okay. But in future,
32:20
Speaker 1: I just think I can still do what I need
32:22
Speaker 1: to do in a situation. I can still leave something
32:24
Speaker 1: I don't feel comfortable being in, but if it's a
32:26
Speaker 1: best friend, maybe I can try my best if possible
32:30
Speaker 1: to communicate how I'm feeling, so they don't feel unloved
32:33
Speaker 1: or rejected or that I'm just blatantly being rude to them.
32:36
Speaker 2: Okay, guys, thanks for listening for tuning in.
32:40
Speaker 1: We have a part two for head Noise because I
32:42
Speaker 1: thought I don't want to completely abandon the written in
32:44
Speaker 1: head Noises because some people write it in, some people
32:46
Speaker 1: want a bit of a longer stories. Some people don't
32:48
Speaker 1: want to send a voicemail in, which is perfectly fine,
32:52
Speaker 1: so I thought I did too.
32:52
Speaker 2: I do one voicemail good times, and then.
32:55
Speaker 1: One written where I read them out tomorrow, which is
32:58
Speaker 1: equally good times.
32:59
Speaker 2: So thank you for listening to today's episode, and.
33:03
Speaker 1: As always, remember becind to yourself, becont to your brain,
33:06
Speaker 1: don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
33:09
Speaker 1: from yourself.
33:10
Speaker 2: Dun't he