Latest / Unlearning Beautiful / Ep. 24 Overcoming the Fear of "Letting Yourself Go" & Finding Balance
Transcript
- Kristina Bruce: ⁓ my God, have you seen Susan? She's really let herself go. Oof, just hearing that phrase can send a shiver down your spine, right? In fact, the fear of letting yourself go is one of the most common hurdles women face when they contemplate finally making peace with their bodies. We're terrified of being the person people are whispering about behind our backs. When you've spent years, maybe decades, dieting and controlling your size, the idea of letting go feels like falling off a cliff. But what if it doesn't have to be like that at all? What if letting yourself go is actually the best, most liberating thing you could ever do for your health and sanity? In today's episode, we're going to unpack this very real fear, look at what you're actually letting go of, and how it can be a gateway to true body peace. Let's dive into today's episode. Welcome to Unlearning Beautiful. podcast for women tired of trying to look good enough and ready to feel good from within. I'm your host, Christina Bruce, here to help you let go of the pressure to look right or do it all right and reconnect with your inner guidance, your natural worth, and what truly makes you feel fulfilled. Because the freedom you're craving was never in how you look. Without fail, one of the most common beliefs that comes up when I'm working with my coaching clients is this fear that other people are gonna think that they've let themselves go. And sometimes they hold the belief of themselves thinking they let themselves go. But I like to use the example of if you live on a deserted island and you never had to see another person again. would you think you let yourself go or would you care about it? And if you don't care about it, then you know it's really about how are you being perceived by other people. This hits on a very real survival instinct. It's actually twofold. There's an identity piece to it, and then there's the fear of I'm not going to be accepted, loved, or valued by other people. The identity pieces, when we have created this sense of worth and value from being disciplined, from being put together, from having all our ducks in a row and checking all the boxes. We're respectable, et cetera. That is an identity. We will hold onto that tightly because that's where we've attached our worth and value. This often comes from how we've been raised and what we've been taught to believe. When we're children, if you received any sort of messaging that it's bad to be lazy or you don't want to be undisciplined and you need to work hard and you have to look put together. Then we take those to say that means I'm going to receive the love and care and appreciation and validation from my caregivers. And if I'm not like that, that's bad and wrong and I'm going to lose it. These beliefs are in our society too. It's not even just in our family. We have this culture of working hard and being in control and being really disciplined. Of course, there's a value in all of that, but we also know that we're in a culture that struggles with burnout, that has high anxiety. So it can't really be working when we value that so highly at the cost of relaxation, rest, of what might be called laziness. Is laziness even laziness or is it that we're just not being hyperdisciplined? If we have this identity that is tied to being really put together and we think that we lose our sense of value in ourself if we lose that, then of course it's going to feel really scary to think of letting go of that or letting ourselves go. Most of us are in some degree living out of alignment with our true selves because we're trying to uphold an identity, because we're trying to pursue be perceived in a certain way. And there is a cost to that. On the one hand, it feels safe, but on the other hand, it's actually hurting us. And if you're listening to this podcast and you've been contemplating making peace with your body or you're working on it, you know the cost of it. The cost of having to manage and control your body and appearance ends up becoming hurtful. It's stressful. You can't let yourself listen to your desires. relax, enjoy life more because you have such a tight grip and hold over needing to manage your appearance and your weight. But the truth is we are safe even if other people judge us negatively. It doesn't feel safe. We might have a nervous system response that says this isn't safe. But even if people judge us negatively, it can't hurt us. You are not your identity. You've built an identity. You have an identity. but that is not truly who you are because it's also something that can change. You can have a different identity as you get older, but you are not the identity. It's something you wear. And the root cause of the suffering is when we attach our sense of safety, worth, and value to an identity because that identity is fragile. When you're working on making peace with your body, that means a letting go of an identity. That's why many people don't want to do it because They don't realize or don't have a sense of connection to who they are without the identity. But that is actually where the real true worth and value lies. You don't get value and worth from an identity. You actually give away your sense of value and worth to an identity and then you suffer because you need to keep it. Really your worth and value is inherent to who you are, regardless of how other people perceive you. regardless of even how you perceive yourself, because these are just thoughts and beliefs. As I've talked about in previous episodes, we have an emotional guidance system. When we are living in alignment with our true self, we feel open, we feel at peace, we are attuned to our true worth and value. When we are entertaining thoughts and ideas and identities that in any way feel constrictive, fragile, or limiting, then we are living out of alignment with our true selves. So letting go. is actually an opportunity to let go of what's no longer serving you. And that might mean letting go of an identity in order to find the worth and value that lives in who you really are. When you've spent a lifetime of dieting, this is a huge identity shift. And again, I don't even want to say identity shift because I don't believe that you need to take on a new identity in order to orient yourself. You need to see who you are when there is no identity present. It's deeper work I know, but that's where your true lasting fulfillment and power comes from, because it's solid. Because you can take on a different identity and then let it go, but you really know who you are. You know you're playing a role. You know that you're being a certain way in a certain time in your life. but when that changes, you don't lose your sense of worth and value because you're rooted within your deeper self. Let's look at these beliefs that we have around this idea of letting go. Society tells us that letting go means you're lazy or messy or uncaring or a failure, particularly when it comes to our appearance. Most women only know two extreme modes. You've only known when you've got it together, you're on the way again, you got your ducks in a row. And then you know when you fell off the wagon and you quote unquote let go and it didn't feel good. When you've only lived in those extremes, letting go doesn't actually feel good. It feels bad. And so you say, well, yeah, I have to be in control. I have to have it together because I feel better that way. Well, of course you do when you're living in the extremes, but there is a balanced way. When you're in tight control in management of your appearance and your body, There is a cost to that. That's not easeful. That's not relaxing. That is out of fear. So the middle path is where you end up having this discipline or caring for your health and wellbeing that actually comes easefully. It's not black or white. It's not either or. It's when you let go, you may swing all the way to the other side, but that won't feel good. but this time instead of running back all the way to the other side, you end up gradually finding yourself coming into the middle. In order to find that balance, we have to be able to look at the beliefs that we're holding about ourselves, about our appearance, and about body size. And in this culture right now, where we are in a black and white thinking state about body size and about health and about appearance. fat bad, then good. There really is not a lot of balance and this is why if we look around at our culture, we're being taught to be in control and follow these things in order to feel good to our detriment. But it's the beliefs that we've inherited and that we've learned that have taken us out of balance. When you are truly listening to what feels good to you, it's actually really easy to take care of yourself. But it requires an attunement. And we have to be able to let go of these beliefs that for many people are fact. So thin, good fact. It's not actually a fact, it's a conditioned belief because we've seen throughout culture and history that it has changed. When we're able to identify and root out these beliefs and see them in a different way that frees us to be able to start to listen to ourselves and say, what do I actually really want to do? What feels good to me? And then when the body changes, If you're rooted in your sense of self, of worth and value and safety, it will not matter what other people think because what matters most to you is that you're feeling good, true to yourself. This is of course the deeper work that needs to be done. I have a couple ways that I do with this with people. If you're totally new to this, I have this body piece video series and it's a three part series that actually brings you through some experiences where you can start to connect to Who am I without this identity? Can I actually find my safety and worth within when I don't have these beliefs present? You want to check that out. I have it $20 off for podcast listeners. So there's a link in the description below. And the deeper work unfolds too in my one-on-one coaching and small group coaching. You can check that out in the link below as well. That is the path that is needed to take in order to be able to be open to quote unquote letting go. and it not be something that you collapse in, that it's not the thing that holds you back from being able to truly follow well-being for yourself, to live in alignment with yourself. We need to look at this in a different way. What is it that you're letting go of? Because when you are dieting and restricting, there is a heck of a lot of control and stress and fear that is in that. That is, really a normal part of your life. And making peace with your body is letting go of that. That's really positive. You're letting go of what you thought you had to carry, the way that you thought you needed to be to actually open up to a freedom. When you let go of that, what do you gain? Do you gain more compassion for yourself? Do you gain the ability to enjoy food more? Do you gain more mental space where you're not thinking about food in your body all the time and you're able to actually be more present with people. The body peace path is really about reclaiming who you really truly were meant to be in this world before it got hijacked by all these beliefs and ideas that something was wrong with you or your body or this was the only way that you could take care of your health. When you're able to let go of that, you're able to attune to your wisdom, to your innate internal guidance system. which is very powerful. It's not that when you let go, there's nothing there that you've fallen off of this cliff. It can feel like that when you're not rooted into the deeper sense of yourself. Meditation practice is really powerful for this because when you just sit quietly with your eyes closed and here's something you can try, imagine as if you woke up one morning and you had amnesia. and that might sound a little scary, but you didn't have a sense of identity or who you were, I want you to notice that you still exist. You didn't go anywhere. It's not like just because you forgot your name and who you were, you stopped living. I want you to spend some time and notice who is this person without this whole identity and story and start to get to know that person because that is the essence of you. That is you prior to taking on all of these beliefs and ideas about yourself and your body. So what you're really letting go of are false beliefs. You're letting go of exhaustion. Now again, the difference is, is there's a reclamation then of what is wellbeing and what is health to you. It's not just a swing, I've let go and everything is off the rails. Again, that may happen, but it's coming back to what feels good to me. And this will take some investigation. This is essentially a re-trusting process. How can I start to trust myself again when I've let go of the external rules and barriers and control that I've put up? And they were put up because you thought something was wrong with you in the first place or because you were told this is how you were supposed to be. These rules and barriers for most people is what took you away from naturally trusting yourself. and then it caused fear. And if the fear of what other people are thinking is really coming up for you, don't worry. I'm gonna dive into that in the next episode because I know that that's a real big one for people. But in this episode, I want you to realize that letting go isn't the negative thing that you thought that it was, especially when you're letting go of what's not serving you and you're reclaiming your true health and wellbeing and balance. That is what this body peace process is about because you are born worthy and valuable and you have a right to live easefully in your body no matter what other people are thinking. This is reclamation of your power, of your sovereignty and your trust in yourself. Thanks for listening to this episode. Look forward to seeing you in the next one. Thanks for listening to Unlearning Beautiful. If this episode resonated with you, Follow the show and share it with another woman who's ready to see beauty and herself in a new way. And if you feel moved, leave a rating and review. It will help the show reach more women who need to hear it. Remember, you're already everything you've been trying to become, enough worthy and free. I'm Christina Bruce. Until next time.