Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #929 Mental Health Days & Mental Health Action

Transcript

#929 Mental Health Days & Mental Health Action · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: once answers.
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  Speaker 1: Now for today's podcast, we're diving into our lives and
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  Speaker 1: sharing with you what's worked and what hasn't. It's called
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  Speaker 1: I'll Do Better Tomorrow. This is a bit where we
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  Speaker 1: get a bit personal and you know what's working and
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  Speaker 1: what's not, how you can make your family happier. Just
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  Speaker 1: before we do though, on Wednesday, we shared a little
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  Speaker 1: bit of our history. We talked about how Kylie and
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  Speaker 1: I met. We talked about how I proposed, how I
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  Speaker 1: wish I could do that again, and everything associated with
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  Speaker 1: what has led to well, we're about to hear twenty
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  Speaker 1: six years of marriage in around about a month from now.
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  Speaker 1: While we were talking about that, I found some research
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  Speaker 1: that I wanted to share. It's only just been published.
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  Speaker 1: The British Psychological Society in the UK have popped this
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  Speaker 1: into their email and it happened to come up just
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  Speaker 1: in time for Valentine's Day, and I just thought, if
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  Speaker 1: you're in a relationship with somebody that you care about
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  Speaker 1: and you want to make that relationship even better, this
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  Speaker 1: would be some great advice before we do older Better tomorrow,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to share some more. It's almost like a
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  Speaker 1: doctor's desk, except on a Friday. Who I love your
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  Speaker 1: sense of humor. In fact, that's what this is about.
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  Speaker 1: A good sense of humor, according to the researchers, regularly
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  Speaker 1: scores highly on lists of most desired traits in a
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  Speaker 1: romantic partner. I think that's why you're so crazy about me.
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  Speaker 2: So crazy.
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  Speaker 1: But well, there's a whole lot of research exploring why
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  Speaker 1: we find funny people appealing and how humor might help
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  Speaker 1: on a first date. There's hardly any research at all
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  Speaker 1: into the role of humor in established relationships. So Kenneth
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  Speaker 1: Tann at Singapore Management University and a bunch of colleagues
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  Speaker 1: put it in a recent paper in Psychological Science, which
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  Speaker 1: is a really prestigious psychology journal, and they asked the question,
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  Speaker 1: a couples who are funny more satisfied with each other,
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  Speaker 1: or a satisfied couples more able to see the funny
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  Speaker 1: side of their partners. And then they brought in one
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  Speaker 1: hundred and eight couples for a diary study so that
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  Speaker 1: they could find out the couples were all of the
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  Speaker 1: Singapore Management University. They'd been in their relationship for an
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  Speaker 1: average of eight months, so we're not talking about people
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  Speaker 1: who have been in relationships for as long as you
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  Speaker 1: and I, Kylie. But every night for seven days, they
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  Speaker 1: used a seven or eight point scale to rate during
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  Speaker 1: that day how funny they had found their partner, how
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  Speaker 1: humorous they had been, or how humorous they'd tried to
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  Speaker 1: be with their partner, and how satisfied they felt with
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  Speaker 1: their relationship, and how committed they felt to their partner,
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  Speaker 1: and finally, how committed they felt that their partner was
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  Speaker 1: to them. And what the researchers found was clear links
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  Speaker 1: between humor production, humor perception, and perceptions of the strength
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  Speaker 1: of the relationship. In other words, on days when one
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  Speaker 1: individual was particularly satisfied or committed or felt that their
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  Speaker 1: partner was highly committed to them, they also reported bringing
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  Speaker 1: more humor inter interactions with their partner, as well as
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  Speaker 1: finding them funnier.
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  Speaker 2: I love that.
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  Speaker 1: What are you owing about? This is what I think
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  Speaker 1: it really says is when you're comfortabard with people, you
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  Speaker 1: can sort of let your head down a little bit,
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  Speaker 1: you can relax, you can joke around. People like it.
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  Speaker 1: When we're light and breezy and cool, and relaxed, which
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  Speaker 1: again is why our marriage has lasted twenty six years.
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  Speaker 1: Because I'm so you're so funny, cool and relaxed. Just
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  Speaker 1: wanted to share happy Valentine's Day. Hope you all enjoyed
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  Speaker 1: Valentine's Day on Wednesday. By the way, all right, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: So what we normally do on a Friday is we
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  Speaker 1: dive into our lives and talk about what's worked and
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  Speaker 1: what hasn't, what people can learn from our pairing efforts,
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  Speaker 1: mistakes or wins so their families can be happier. Why
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  Speaker 1: don't you kicks off? Since I've just talked about how
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  Speaker 1: funny I am.
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  Speaker 2: It's getting a little bit hard to talk about our
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  Speaker 2: children anonymously now that we only have one kid at school.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so today's the story about Annie. He's what you're saying.
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  Speaker 1: We have one daughter who's at school grade eleven. There
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  Speaker 1: you go, This is all about her.
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  Speaker 2: And after our big weekend away, on the way home,
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  Speaker 2: she had asked whether or not she could have the
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  Speaker 2: next day of school because it had been a big
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  Speaker 2: weekend and she was tired, and she was a little
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  Speaker 2: bit stressed about trying to catch up with schoolwork, and
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  Speaker 2: so she just kind of said, if I stay home,
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  Speaker 2: then I'll catch up on everything that I'd missed and
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  Speaker 2: I'll be ready to go to school the next day.
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  Speaker 1: Terrible idea, but as.
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  Speaker 2: Her we obviously acknowledged that was not going to happen,
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  Speaker 2: that she'd had the privilege of having a couple of
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  Speaker 2: days of school already, and that she would have to
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  Speaker 2: go to school the next day. Well, it just happened.
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  Speaker 2: When she woke up the next morning, she was not
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  Speaker 2: feeling well. And normally I would kind of be a
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  Speaker 2: little bit more lenient with her, and I would say, yeah, okay,
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  Speaker 2: have a rest, have a sleep, and get school work done.
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  Speaker 2: But I just had this sense that this might have
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  Speaker 2: been self manifested as a result of the conversation we'd
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  Speaker 2: had the day before.
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  Speaker 1: So she's feeling stress and anxious, and therefore now she's
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  Speaker 1: not feeling well enough to.
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  Speaker 2: Go to school. That's right, And so I decided that
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  Speaker 2: I needed to push a little bit on this one.
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  Speaker 2: And so I said, I want you to get ready,
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  Speaker 2: have some breakfast, And I said, and once we've finished
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  Speaker 2: at Bible study class, I said, we'll see how you're
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  Speaker 2: feeling and we'll go from there. So She did all
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  Speaker 2: of that happily, and once she had finished, I looked
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  Speaker 2: at her and I said, you know what, I said,
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  Speaker 2: I'm just struggling a little bit because yesterday you actually
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  Speaker 2: asked for a day off. And I said, and I'm
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  Speaker 2: wondering how you are feeling now, whether or not that's
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  Speaker 2: a result of our conversation yesterday, and you're kind of
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  Speaker 2: living into the factor that you don't want to be
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  Speaker 2: at school, and so you're now feeling a little bit unwell,
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  Speaker 2: or whether you genuinely are unwell, And I'm not suggesting
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  Speaker 2: that you're not. I'm just trying to kind of work
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  Speaker 2: out where we're at. And she looked at me and
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  Speaker 2: she said, I don't really know. And I said, so
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  Speaker 2: here's the deal. I'm at home with the kids today,
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  Speaker 2: home school, home schooling, and I'm really happy to come
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  Speaker 2: and pick you up, but I think that I would
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  Speaker 2: really like you to just give it a go and
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  Speaker 2: see how today goes well. I didn't get a phone call,
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  Speaker 2: and by the time she came home she had a
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  Speaker 2: big smile on her face and we got through the day.
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  Speaker 2: When I asked her how a day went, she just said,
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  Speaker 2: I'm just really tired. But there was an energy to
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  Speaker 2: her that was not there in the morning. Sometimes it's
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  Speaker 2: really hard as a parent to know when to push
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  Speaker 2: and when not to push. But I think that it's
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  Speaker 2: really important for us to help our kids recognize and
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  Speaker 2: see that while we see them and we understand what
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  Speaker 2: they're going through, that there are some things we just
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  Speaker 2: kind of have to push through. And on this occasion,
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  Speaker 2: I might have got it right and we did.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, Lesson learned. The worst thing is when you do
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  Speaker 1: that and then the kids like crumble and you're like, oh, no,
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  Speaker 1: I've pushed too hard. I have gone too far.
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  Speaker 2: But I gave her an out as well. There was
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  Speaker 2: an acknowledgement I was really happy to come and get her,
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  Speaker 2: and I would if things deteriorated throughout the day. It
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  Speaker 2: wasn't an arbitrary you have to go and that's it.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not, you know, tough love. But it was an
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  Speaker 2: acknowledgment that right now, I'm just not sure where you're sitting,
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  Speaker 2: and so I want to see how you're going to go.
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  Speaker 1: Let's give it a go. There reminds me a recently
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  Speaker 1: deceased friend of ours, Kelly Megan. He's an American guy,
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  Speaker 1: and he had this phrase that he used to use.
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  Speaker 1: If you're walkable, you're workable. In other words, if you
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  Speaker 1: can get out of bed and walk around, you can
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  Speaker 1: go and get on with your work day. If you
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  Speaker 1: collapse at work, then obviously you need to go back
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  Speaker 1: to bed. But if you can get up, go and
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  Speaker 1: have a go and boss, well yeah, kind of. But
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  Speaker 1: at the same time, I think there's something in that.
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  Speaker 1: And as you experienced with Annie, we saw her manage
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  Speaker 1: to pick he self up and go pretty well throughout
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  Speaker 1: the day. Just before I share my old a better tomorrow,
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  Speaker 1: can you give us like a thirty second update. We're
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  Speaker 1: a couple of weeks in. Now, how's homeschooling going?
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  Speaker 2: Well, it's going. That's a typical line.
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  Speaker 1: Biggest surprise that there's probably a.
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  Speaker 2: Lot more prep work on my end than I anticipated.
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  Speaker 1: You can't just let the kids go and do homeschool.
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  Speaker 2: No, definitely not. And I guess the number two thing
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  Speaker 2: would be that I'm actually really impressed with how well
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  Speaker 2: Emily has coped at school up until this point, because
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  Speaker 2: she needs absolute one on one, uninterrupted time with me.
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  Speaker 2: As soon as I pick up my phone, somebody walks
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  Speaker 2: into the room, she's away with the fairies, and it's
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  Speaker 2: really really hard to keep her posted. So I can't
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  Speaker 2: imagine being in that position and being in a class
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  Speaker 2: with thirty other students that are, you know, kind of
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  Speaker 2: all moving in different directions and teachers, you know, talking
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  Speaker 2: to other students, like there is so much distraction in
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  Speaker 2: our kids'.
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  Speaker 1: Classrooms, so tough in your diverse kids, and.
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  Speaker 2: To be able to sit with her and have to
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  Speaker 2: work through that one on one, it's really time consuming.
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  Speaker 2: But she's she's doing great. She's actually doing great. She's
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  Speaker 2: really motivated to learn that. We've just got to we've
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  Speaker 2: got to really hone in on those distractions that.
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  Speaker 1: Six hours a day doesn't exist for you anymore.
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  Speaker 2: That's really does saying yeah, what's your story for I'll
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  Speaker 2: do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm not going to share a personal on this time.
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  Speaker 1: I want to share an email that came through podcasts
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  Speaker 1: at Happyfamilies dot com dot au. This one came from
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  Speaker 1: mel Mel's in Wa and I just appreciated the email
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  Speaker 1: so very much. It is a heavy topic, return to
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  Speaker 1: something from last year, but it was so beautifully put
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  Speaker 1: together and I think it's so resonant for so many
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  Speaker 1: Families that I just have to read it. So Mel
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  Speaker 1: said high Happy Families team. I just wanted to send
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  Speaker 1: on behalf of my son a poem that he wrote
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  Speaker 1: at the end of last year, she says, I've been
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  Speaker 1: a longtime follower of Happy Families, and as an ot
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  Speaker 1: and mum of three sons, I participated in a Happy
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: Family his course about two years ago. It was fantastic,
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  Speaker 1: all about raising good men, she says. At the end
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  Speaker 1: of last year, I read about the tragic story of
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  Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie's nephew Logan, and one evening we were
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  Speaker 1: discussing it as a family. I showed my oldest son, Henry,
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  Speaker 1: who's twelve, a photo of him surfing, and we had
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  Speaker 1: a big discussion about mental health and what had happened
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  Speaker 1: in this instance. Henry's a really keen surfer and lover
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  Speaker 1: of the ocean. I think that the image was very
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  Speaker 1: powerful for him. It really impacted Henry, and the conversation
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  Speaker 1: we had was really challenging and honest. Not long after this,
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  Speaker 1: Henry's English assignment was to write a poem on an
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  Speaker 1: issue impacting young people today. I don't know if I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to quite get through this email mel says he
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  Speaker 1: chose men's mental health. He called his poem The Boy
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  Speaker 1: and wrote it with Logan in mind. Henry performed it
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  Speaker 1: in front of his tutorial and was then asked to
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  Speaker 1: present to the whole Year seven cohort, roughly one hundred
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  Speaker 1: and eighty boys. I just wanted to share this poem
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  Speaker 1: with you as the story behind Logan's passing has generated
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  Speaker 1: a huge amount of conversation, has had a massive impact
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  Speaker 1: on a young man on the other side of the country,
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  Speaker 1: and has then been discussed more widely in his year group,
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  Speaker 1: encouraging the message of opening up, feeling emotions, not having
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  Speaker 1: to be tough, talking to your friends, and finding help
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  Speaker 1: when you need it. Written by a then twelve year
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  Speaker 1: old boy, I find it really moving and just wanted
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  Speaker 1: justin Kylie and the team to know what an impact
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  Speaker 1: they've made in sharing the story of Logan. So Henry
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  Speaker 1: wrote this as a Year seven boy. It's called the Boy.
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  Speaker 1: On the outside, you can see the confidence and smarts,
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  Speaker 1: when really the inside is filled with fractured parts. Everyone
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  Speaker 1: sees him as secure and fun when all he wants
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  Speaker 1: to do is run. His only escape is to the beach,
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: where he relaxes and feels that happiness is within his reach,
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  Speaker 1: but like the islands that he serves, he feels isolated
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  Speaker 1: on this earth. Slotted in the perfect wave, he feels
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  Speaker 1: moments of peace. However, it offers only a temporary release.
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  Speaker 1: The future and expectations too much to handle. His hope
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  Speaker 1: and belief are blown out like a candle. Too many
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  Speaker 1: young lives being lost to think that should be avoided
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: at all costs. To families and friends. It's like a
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  Speaker 1: dart to the heart, losing someone you've loved from the
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  Speaker 1: very start and a feelings become immense until it becomes
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  Speaker 1: too intense. Our ability to express our feelings and talk
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  Speaker 1: helps us come together to support and forward walk Like
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: the reef coral spawn. There is an opportunity we can
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: regenerate each dawn. Check in with your mates to take
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: care of each other. It always helps if you open
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: up and talk to your brother's, sister, father, or mother.
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  Speaker 1: So Mel, thank you so much for sending that through
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: to podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot au. We're
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: so grateful that in us sharing something hard in our life,
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  Speaker 1: that it's moved you and your family and had an
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: impact in the lives of others. I actually had a
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: chat with my mum the other day, Kylie, and she
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: said that she heard from a friend of a friend, like,
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  Speaker 1: you know how people have sort of related in bizarre
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: and unexpected ways. Everyone's within seven connections of somebody else.
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  Speaker 1: And this person had said after the death of Logan,
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  Speaker 1: they had been sitting in an alcoholics anonymous meeting and
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: somebody walked in and said, I'm here for the first time,
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: and I'm here because I've just lost the friend and
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: mentioned that in losing Logan it had made them think
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: just completely re evaluate their lives and they were there
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: because they needed to make changes. And as it happened,
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: everybody's connected. And it got back to my mum that
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: what people are changing And it feels so sad that
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: we don't have in but it feels so good that
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: people are reevaluating and trying to do things well. So Mel,
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  Speaker 1: we appreciate you, and we appreciate your son sharing that
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  Speaker 1: just such a wonderful thing that you've done. We really
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: hope that the things that we've shared in today's podcast
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: will inspire you this weekend to have better relationships with
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: the kids. Whether it's a bit of tough love, whether
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: it's sitting down and working through difficult things, or talking
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: about conversations that are hard to have but so necessary.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: information about making your family happier, we'd love for you
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: to visit us at Happy families dot com dot AU.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: We've revamped our Happy Families membership. It's not longer called
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: a membership, is now called the Quest. If you'd like
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: your family be happier, We're happy to take you on
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: that journey. We'll hold your hand, will take you step
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: by step, month to month on a very carefully and
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: empirically validated program to help your family to thrive. You
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: can finde all the details about the Quest at Happy
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: families dot com dot a U and join the wait
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: list there. Our next intake starts in just a couple
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: of months.