Latest / Career Coaching with Fexingo: Professional Coaches, Career Counselors, and Guidance for Workers / How to Find a Mentor Who Actually Helps Your Career
Transcript
- Luna: So Lucas, I was talking to a friend last week — she's a senior product manager, really good at her job — and she said something that stuck with me: 'I've had five mentors in the past three years, and not one of them actually helped me get unstuck.' Lucas: That's a painful stat, but honestly it doesn't surprise me. A lot of what passes for mentorship is just a couple of coffee chats where the senior person gives generic platitudes — 'be more visible,' 'network more,' 'lean in.' It's not that those are wrong, it's that they're not actionable. There's no follow-through, no structure. Luna: Right. And my friend felt like she was taking up their time, so she never pushed for anything concrete. She'd leave the meeting with a vague sense of inspiration and zero next steps. Lucas: That's exactly the problem. So let's talk about how to find a mentor who actually moves the needle — not a ceremonial sponsor who looks good on a bio, but someone who gives you specific, sometimes uncomfortable feedback and opens real doors. Luna: I love that. What's the first step in your view? Lucas: Clarity of ask. Before you even look for a mentor, you need to know what you want mentorship on — not 'career in general,' but something specific. For example: 'I want to move from individual contributor to manager within the next 18 months, and I need help navigating the political landscape in my org.' That's a concrete problem a mentor can actually work with. Luna: That makes sense. So if you go in with 'help me with my career,' you get generic advice. But if you say 'I'm trying to figure out how to get a seat at the table in strategy meetings,' that's a puzzle someone can help solve. Lucas: Exactly. And the second step is targeting the right person. A lot of people make the mistake of reaching out to the most senior person they can find — the CEO, a famous executive — because they think that's the biggest win. But that person is often too far removed from your day-to-day to give useful tactical advice. You want someone maybe two or three levels above you, who has done what you're trying to do relatively recently. Luna: So a VP instead of the C-suite, or a senior director who moved from IC to management three years ago. Lucas: Exactly. And here's a specific example I love. There's a marketing manager at a mid-sized B2B tech company — let's call her Sarah — who wanted to eventually serve on a board of directors. That's a long-term play. She didn't cold email a board member at Google. Instead, she found the head of marketing at a company that had gone public two years earlier. That person had been through the IPO process, knew what it took to scale a marketing org, and was only two steps removed from Sarah's role. She wrote a short, specific email: 'I noticed your company's go to market strategy before the IPO — I'm working on something similar and would love to hear how you thought about resource allocation. Could we do a 20-minute call?' Luna: That's smart. She made it easy to say yes — short time commitment, specific topic, and she showed she'd done her homework. Lucas: Exactly. And that brings us to the third step: the first meeting. Keep it low-friction. Twenty to thirty minutes max. Come with three specific questions. Don't ask 'what's your advice for me?' — that's lazy. Instead, say something like 'I'm deciding between two job offers — one at a larger company with a broader role, one at a startup with equity. How did you think about that tradeoff at a similar point in your career?' That gives the mentor something to sink their teeth into. Luna: And it shows respect for their time. You're not asking them to do the work for you — you're asking for their perspective on a real dilemma. Lucas: Right. And then step four — this is where most people drop the ball — is the follow-through. After the meeting, send a thank-you note within 24 hours. Mention one specific thing you're going to do because of their advice. Then, two to four weeks later, send a brief update: 'I took your advice and did X, and here's what happened.' That does two things. One, it shows you're coachable. Two, it makes the mentor feel like their time had impact. That's what makes them want to keep helping you. Luna: That's huge. Because mentors are busy — they're giving you time out of goodwill. If you don't show that it mattered, why would they invest more? Lucas: Exactly. And step five is about reciprocity. You don't have to offer something of equal value immediately — that's not realistic. But you can offer something small: share an article they'd find useful, introduce them to someone in your network, or just give them public credit on LinkedIn. People underestimate how much senior professionals appreciate being recognized for their mentoring. Luna: I've seen that work. I had a mentor who was really into hiking, so I'd send him trail recommendations in areas he was traveling to. It sounds trivial, but he told me it made him think of me when a relevant opportunity came up. Lucas: That's perfect. And that's how a one-time coffee chat turns into a long-term relationship. But let me address a common objection: 'I don't have access to senior people.' In 2026, that's less true than ever. Between LinkedIn, industry events, alumni networks, and even paid platforms like MentorCruise or Plato, there are more ways to connect than ever. The barrier isn't access — it's the courage to ask specifically and the discipline to follow up. Luna: I'd add one more thing: don't be afraid to pay for mentorship. There are now excellent platforms where you can book time with experienced executives for a reasonable hourly rate. I know someone who paid for monthly sessions with a former CMO for six months — it cost about what a certification would, but the ROI in terms of career acceleration was enormous. Lucas: That's a great point. And honestly, paid mentors sometimes give more honest feedback because they're not worried about office politics or hurting your feelings. They can say 'that resume is weak' or 'you're not ready for that promotion yet' in a way a colleague might not. Luna: Right. So to wrap that thread: find someone who's been where you want to go, ask a specific question, keep it low-friction, follow up with evidence of action, and find a way to give back — even if small. That's the framework. Lucas: If today's episode was useful to you and you want to keep it ad-free, buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo helps. Luna: Yeah, we've had listeners say that even a couple of dollars a month makes them feel more invested in the content. It's a small way to support what we do. Lucas: So let's talk about one more nuance: what if the mentor says no? Or doesn't respond? That's probably the number one fear people have. Luna: And it's so common. I've been ghosted by potential mentors before, and it stings. Lucas: It does. But here's the reframe: a no is almost never about you. It's about timing, bandwidth, or sometimes just the person's own priorities. I've had people say no to a mentoring request and then six months later say yes because their project ended. So don't take it personally. And if you get no response, wait a couple weeks and send a brief, polite follow-up. If still nothing, move on. Luna: And don't burn bridges. If they eventually say yes, great. If not, you've lost nothing. Lucas: Exactly. The other mistake people make is asking for too much too soon. 'Will you be my mentor?' is a loaded question. It implies a long-term commitment. Instead, ask for a single conversation. Let the relationship grow naturally. If that first call goes well, you can say 'I found our conversation incredibly helpful — would it be okay if I reached out again in a month with a quick update?' That's a much lighter ask. Luna: And over time, that one conversation becomes three, becomes six, and then you have a mentor without ever having formally asked for one. Lucas: Right. And one final thing I'd emphasize: don't put all your eggs in one basket. Have a 'board of advisors' — three to five people who each give you different perspectives. A technical mentor, a leadership mentor, a peer mentor. That way you're not dependent on one person's availability or opinion. Luna: I love that. It takes the pressure off any single relationship and makes the whole system more resilient. Lucas: Exactly. So to sum up: clarity, targeting, low-friction first meeting, structured follow-up, reciprocity. And don't fear the no. That's how you find a mentor who actually helps. Luna: And if you're listening and you've been putting off that email to someone you admire — today's a good day to send it. Lucas: Absolutely. Thanks for being here, and we'll talk next time.