Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #91: Trigger Warning: Will Every "Failing to Launch" Adult Child Launch?

Transcript

#91: Trigger Warning: Will Every "Failing to Launch" Adult Child Launch? · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older children in their 20s and 30s who are struggling.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Each week, hopefully you'll learn something about parenting your adult child that you may have never heard about or tried before.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that's because the guests I invite here are all asked to share insightful stories and offer suggestions to help you through this difficult stage.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you're here for the first time, or if you've been listening for a while, today's episode comes with a trigger warning.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it just might be the most uncomfortable episode you'll ever hear.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: But if you know me, that won't surprise you, because I will never sugarcoat how challenging it is to raise an adult.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: But I will say this, it hasn't always been this way.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Today, more than ever, with all that is going on around us, these are the hardest times to parent a young adult, especially when they aren't moving forward.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not making this stuff up.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I've spoken to and heard from an enormous amount of parents, and with this podcast nearing 100 episodes, I've had so many conversations with parenting experts, therapists, remarkable authors, that I can honestly say not every adult child who is failing to launch will launch.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's not meant to scare you, but rather to awaken you.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: But this might.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: They've had a lot of help getting here.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know there are many young adults who are genuinely difficult, who are giving their parents the hardest time, who seem to have absolutely no interest in becoming independent.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And many of you are thinking, if they really don't want to change, if they don't want my help, what can I do?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: I bet if we were sitting in an auditorium filled with parents going through this right now, a lot of you would be nodding your heads because you have tried and they just don't care.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And by that I mean they won't seek professional counseling, medical treatment for their mental health issues, rehab or any other program to help them quit their addictions.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And by addictions I mean smoking weed, using drugs, drinking alcohol, and online gaming.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: If your adult child won't do what they must do to improve their own mental and physical well-being, what can you do?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's sort of mind-boggling when you think about it.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever asked yourself why?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Why doesn't my son or daughter want a better life for themselves?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Why do they prefer to live in isolation, with bouts of depression, overwhelming anxiety, no real life friends, no physical activity, getting high, drinking, gaming all night, sleeping most of the day, no interest in making any money, or even stepping out into the world?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think if they did start really living, they'd see that it's not as bad as they imagine.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, let's be honest.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Many of these young adults haven't even tried.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Their experiences have been so limited.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: What have they actually done?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Gone through high school, maybe a few years of college, a couple of jobs?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: They've barely lived.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Think about what we did by the time we were their age.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: We were living.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: So how do they even know that life is so scary and not worth trying?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: All of us in this imaginary auditorium are in our 50s and 60s.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: We've lived through some rough years.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And we were never given the option to stay home, do nothing, and have everything provided for.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: I bet even if we did, we'd still choose to get out of our parents' house.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I remember it.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think I packed my little suitcase and threatened to leave five times by the time I was seven.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: So why are so many of these young adults just sitting at home doing nothing with their lives?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: What are they so afraid of?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: The better question is, why are they even allowed?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: What conditions are they living in that makes them so comfortable at home?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Who in their life is letting them?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's you, isn't it?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: You or the other parent.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because you love them so much that you're willing to keep doing things that make it possible for them to remain comfortable and afraid.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: But you're also living in fear of conflict, of upsetting them, of all the what-ifs.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: So they get to keep doing what they've been doing and nothing changes.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like I'm holding you responsible.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: But I also said earlier that many of these adult children are really making it difficult for you.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And ultimately, they are responsible for their own life.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: However, here's where you have power.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: What you continue to provide, participate in, and tolerate in your own home.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: There are a lot of parents out there in this exact situation.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Many of you are listening, others are watching videos, some are hanging out in support groups, but a lot of you are beginning to get fed up and really do want to see your adult child start living and becoming independent.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: If this is you, if you're on the other side of change, of doing what it takes to push your adult forward by no longer supporting, enabling, rescuing, tolerating, making excuses, being disrespected, of living in fear, of doing things for them that they can do for themselves, and allowing them to experience the consequences of all their choices.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be willing to do the work.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: When I started this episode, I said that not every adult child who is failing to launch will launch.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: The question you have to ask yourself is will that adult child be mine?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Will you accept that this is their life?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Or will you refuse to watch your adult live a life of dependency, lethargy, and resignation?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the hardest part of helping your adult child to launch isn't figuring out what they need to change, it's deciding what you're willing to change.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Just a quick reminder that if you know someone who would benefit from this topic, please share it with them.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And there's one more thing if you enjoy listening to Launch, rating the podcast and leaving a positive review would be greatly appreciated.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.