Latest / Recovery Chronicles / Recovery Chronicles Ep. 173 - Simon K.

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Recovery Chronicles Ep. 173 - Simon K. · Recovery Chronicles

0:05
Speaker 1: Welcome to Recovery Chronicles.
0:06
Speaker 2: My name is John Tragg and my sober date is
0:09
Speaker 2: June seventeenth, twenty nineteen. Join me as we hear from
0:12
Speaker 2: people who are on this journey that we call recovery. Okay, well,
0:21
Speaker 2: welcome to this episode of Recovery Chronicles. This is Joan
0:25
Speaker 2: Tragg and I have Simon with me today who's going
0:27
Speaker 2: to be sharing his story. So thank you Simon for
0:31
Speaker 2: being here.
0:33
Speaker 3: Oh, thanks, no problem, it's a pleasure.
0:35
Speaker 2: So we're gonna kind of just dig into the basically
0:40
Speaker 2: the nuts and bolts of recovery and how you got
0:44
Speaker 2: to where you are and sharing with everyone on that journey.
0:49
Speaker 2: And I think that you know, we like to share
0:52
Speaker 2: a lot of things that help people understand both from
0:55
Speaker 2: the perspective of someone that is battling addiction first and
1:00
Speaker 2: then also for family members or other people are just
1:03
Speaker 2: trying to really understand what's going on.
1:05
Speaker 1: So let's go ahead and get started.
1:08
Speaker 2: Tell me about your what's your silver date and what
1:11
Speaker 2: was your drug of choice?
1:14
Speaker 3: Yes, so my clean date is September sixth, twenty twenty three. Basically,
1:22
Speaker 3: my drug of choice was pretty much anything that took
1:25
Speaker 3: me out of my head. So mainly I would say
1:31
Speaker 3: this last relapse was with me was meth amphetamine and fentanyl.
1:36
Speaker 3: We're the two big ones.
1:37
Speaker 1: Okay, So do you recall, like when was your first
1:42
Speaker 1: time using.
1:44
Speaker 3: So it's actually my first encounter. I was probably i'd
1:50
Speaker 3: say about eight years old, and it was with a
1:54
Speaker 3: hydrocodone and that was dad's prescription, and I had kind
2:01
Speaker 3: of dabbled a little bit if Dad had alcohol in
2:04
Speaker 3: the house. You know, it was something that I would
2:09
Speaker 3: I would go after. But I would say, my real,
2:14
Speaker 3: my real deep dive didn't didn't start until about my
2:18
Speaker 3: late teens.
2:20
Speaker 2: So what do you think, like influenced you to try it?
2:25
Speaker 2: Like what made you think like I'm going to give
2:26
Speaker 2: that a try kind of thing.
2:28
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's funny because when you're that young, you know,
2:32
Speaker 3: you really don't have really a general idea of what
2:37
Speaker 3: it is, and so it just kind of a little backstory.
2:42
Speaker 3: I grew up in Oregon. I lived off of miles
2:46
Speaker 3: of dirt logging road, and I'm one of seven kids,
2:49
Speaker 3: so basically it was just us out there. I was
2:52
Speaker 3: homeschooled my whole life, and so the only people I
2:56
Speaker 3: really knew was mom and dad and the rest of
2:58
Speaker 3: the kids so well, and a lot of people, you know,
3:02
Speaker 3: might say that I'm a product of my environment, but
3:05
Speaker 3: really I don't know as far as I believe that.
3:08
Speaker 3: But the substances were around in the house and and
3:12
Speaker 3: I witnessed, you know, dad, he used them, and so
3:16
Speaker 3: I just think it's kind of something that I got
3:18
Speaker 3: folded into. I you know, I had tried it and
3:22
Speaker 3: one of the most traumatizing things I'd ever seen in
3:24
Speaker 3: my life when I was young, as I saw my
3:27
Speaker 3: father overdose and we were geez. I couldn't have been
3:33
Speaker 3: more than nine years old at the time, and I'll
3:35
Speaker 3: never forget, you know, how how he looked the blue
3:39
Speaker 3: the gray, and I was smart enough to know that
3:43
Speaker 3: it was it was the substances that were doing that,
3:47
Speaker 3: and me being you know, emotional that young, I was
3:51
Speaker 3: one of the people that told myself I was never
3:53
Speaker 3: going to do that and I would never put my
3:56
Speaker 3: kids through anything like that. So it's kind of it's
4:02
Speaker 3: kind of interesting, you know. But to bring it back
4:06
Speaker 3: to your question, I just think it was something that
4:09
Speaker 3: was around and I seen it and just kind of
4:11
Speaker 3: folded into it. If that makes sense.
4:14
Speaker 1: Oh, that's super dramatic, though, hikes. Sorry about that. That stinks.
4:21
Speaker 2: So talk a little bit about like the first time
4:25
Speaker 2: that you used, probably more on your late teens, right
4:28
Speaker 2: when you started in So talk about that first time,
4:31
Speaker 2: like how that made you feel.
4:33
Speaker 3: Oh, okay, So this is a I share this with
4:38
Speaker 3: my sponsors often. I was about seventeen years old and
4:43
Speaker 3: I worked for a company called We Fix Ugly Pools.
4:46
Speaker 3: So I was on the I was on the demolition crew,
4:49
Speaker 3: and I was I was friends with one of the
4:51
Speaker 3: service guys, and I always had a great work ethic
4:55
Speaker 3: and I've always worked hard, and I put in the
4:58
Speaker 3: effort and he noticed this, and we had the hair
5:02
Speaker 3: brained idea to build him a backyard, okay, and we
5:08
Speaker 3: were oh god, pouring cemented probably about nine o'clock at night,
5:12
Speaker 3: this isn't Phoenix, And he brought it up just out
5:17
Speaker 3: of nowhere. If I had ever tried it, and me
5:21
Speaker 3: being me, you know, socially awkward, I go from being homeschooled,
5:27
Speaker 3: knowing nobody to a city of four million people. It
5:31
Speaker 3: was like a total culture shock. So in my mind,
5:34
Speaker 3: I'm going to do whatever I can to fit in
5:36
Speaker 3: with whatever crowd is going to accept me. Right and
5:40
Speaker 3: Unfortunately it was not one of the one of the
5:45
Speaker 3: good ones. So it was a methanphetamine. And this was
5:49
Speaker 3: this would have been in two thousand and six. And
5:54
Speaker 3: after that I thought I had had the answers to
5:57
Speaker 3: every single one of life's questions. Was in the palm
6:01
Speaker 3: of my hands.
6:02
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, So when do you think after you started
6:09
Speaker 2: using math, when do you think it kind of changed
6:12
Speaker 2: from more.
6:12
Speaker 1: Of a social casual thing to more of a.
6:18
Speaker 2: More of a thing like it's something I need to
6:21
Speaker 2: do versus something I do once in a while.
6:24
Speaker 3: You know, I'm not going to lie to you. That
6:25
Speaker 3: first ten months was quite a blur. I don't have
6:28
Speaker 3: a lot of memories of that other than just being
6:30
Speaker 3: a wait for a really long time. I would say
6:34
Speaker 3: it probably took about seven eight months before it started
6:37
Speaker 3: affecting my work. Okay, of course, I was a closet addict.
6:44
Speaker 3: I was ashamed of it for one and I kept
6:49
Speaker 3: it from what would have been my daughter's mom at
6:52
Speaker 3: the time and family. So and I mean I'd go
6:57
Speaker 3: lay in bed for four hours with my eyes shut
6:59
Speaker 3: waiting for my alarm to go off before I got
7:01
Speaker 3: up and started the day. I'd say after about the
7:05
Speaker 3: first year. I mean, my family would probably tell you
7:08
Speaker 3: they'd noticed right away, but when I saw them start
7:12
Speaker 3: picking up on, you know, the different things, the irritability,
7:18
Speaker 3: the lack of sleep, the job loss, basically the isolation,
7:24
Speaker 3: you know, getting away of the everyday norms. Would have
7:26
Speaker 3: probably been about the first year into active US.
7:29
Speaker 1: So about how old do you think you were at
7:31
Speaker 1: that point.
7:32
Speaker 3: That would have been around nineteen eighteen, nineteen years old.
7:36
Speaker 3: And at this time, my daughter was was just being born.
7:41
Speaker 3: And one of the things that I had beaten myself
7:44
Speaker 3: up for for so long, even in recovery, was you know,
7:50
Speaker 3: I was coming down in the hospital the day she
7:53
Speaker 3: was born, but I was going to be there, you know,
7:56
Speaker 3: and I'm not you know, trying to cast a good
7:58
Speaker 3: light on myself anything, because I was literally passed out
8:02
Speaker 3: in the in the chair. And that's that's when I
8:06
Speaker 3: think things started really getting, you know, noticeable.
8:10
Speaker 2: Sure, so in that journey then with with having a
8:16
Speaker 2: new child, which is pretty stressful on anyone.
8:20
Speaker 1: You know, how did that affect you?
8:22
Speaker 2: Do you think in terms of your use did it
8:24
Speaker 2: just continue, did it escalate?
8:26
Speaker 1: How how do you think that that went for you?
8:29
Speaker 3: So in the about the first nine months of Marley's life.
8:35
Speaker 3: The using continued, and uh, I did what what you know,
8:42
Speaker 3: A lot of addicts that are trying trying to act
8:45
Speaker 3: like they're responsible, is I tried to change the people,
8:47
Speaker 3: places and things in life. So we had I decided
8:52
Speaker 3: to pack us up and we were going to go
8:53
Speaker 3: stay with my my brother in Idaho at this time
8:57
Speaker 3: and try to start fresh. Okay, And I had left
9:00
Speaker 3: the people in Phoenix, I had left the drugs, and
9:05
Speaker 3: we made it. We made it up to Idaho after
9:08
Speaker 3: about a twenty two hour drive. Of course I was loaded,
9:11
Speaker 3: you know, so I'm putting my family in this danger,
9:15
Speaker 3: excuse me. And I got up there, I got employment,
9:21
Speaker 3: we got a duplex, and things were going, you know,
9:26
Speaker 3: they were looking positive for the first time in quite
9:28
Speaker 3: a while since I had, you know, really gotten into
9:31
Speaker 3: active addiction. And I would say we were there for
9:36
Speaker 3: probably six seven months. And the move had taken a
9:41
Speaker 3: toll on my daughter's mom at the time, and she
9:47
Speaker 3: didn't handle it real well being away from family, and
9:51
Speaker 3: I started noticing different things like cutting of the hair,
9:55
Speaker 3: you know, her mental you know state was declining. And
10:00
Speaker 3: I took ownership of that and that's kind of what
10:02
Speaker 3: led us back to moving back to Phoenix after that.
10:06
Speaker 2: Okay, So but during that time your use continued, right.
10:11
Speaker 3: No, no, no. When when we were in Idaho, I
10:14
Speaker 3: had been clean for about six months.
10:17
Speaker 2: Okay, So how was that though, like coming off of it?
10:20
Speaker 2: Were you on your own coming off of it or okay?
10:23
Speaker 1: So how did that go for you?
10:24
Speaker 3: So? Okay, so little backtrack. Growing up, my dad had
10:30
Speaker 3: tried different, various programs to get help and get clean,
10:34
Speaker 3: and he always kind of, for lack of a better term,
10:37
Speaker 3: you know, he put it down, said it didn't work,
10:41
Speaker 3: and it was you know, he didn't have very positive
10:44
Speaker 3: things to say about it. So I always took it
10:46
Speaker 3: as a sign of weakness, you know, asking for help,
10:51
Speaker 3: especially with something as serious as the disease that we have.
10:56
Speaker 3: So I was able. I was able to. I'd say
11:00
Speaker 3: about after a week, I had fully come down and
11:02
Speaker 3: I didn't have to sleep for the full day anymore.
11:06
Speaker 3: And it was okay. After that, I had support from
11:09
Speaker 3: my family and I was very determined to make it work,
11:14
Speaker 3: so that this that first time that really wasn't too terrible. Okay.
11:19
Speaker 2: Plus you had that support system exactly, which is huge.
11:22
Speaker 2: So yeah, no, that makes sense. So tell me about
11:29
Speaker 2: then when you so you move back to Phoenix and
11:31
Speaker 2: so then how does that go for you as far
11:35
Speaker 2: as transitioning back to the environment that you knew before, right,
11:38
Speaker 2: because that's pretty.
11:39
Speaker 1: Tough to do that. I made it two days, I'll shoot, okay.
11:43
Speaker 2: So doing that, then, tell me a little bit about that.
11:48
Speaker 2: So when you went back to using again, when you
11:53
Speaker 2: started using again, how did that go for you?
11:55
Speaker 3: Did you?
11:56
Speaker 1: Because you know they.
11:57
Speaker 2: Talk about building up a tolerance and you know all
12:00
Speaker 2: that kind of stuff, and when you hadn't use for.
12:02
Speaker 1: For six months in two days, right yep? So when
12:05
Speaker 1: you when you went back to using, and how how
12:07
Speaker 1: was that first time using again? Like did it were
12:11
Speaker 1: you you? Was it way too much? Where you?
12:15
Speaker 3: Did you?
12:16
Speaker 1: Are you aware of those kinds of things?
12:17
Speaker 3: You know?
12:18
Speaker 1: How did they? How did you handle that in terms
12:20
Speaker 1: of going back to using?
12:21
Speaker 3: So and going back and I should clarify at this point,
12:27
Speaker 3: I was not an IVY user, okay, So I was
12:30
Speaker 3: basically I was just smoking in it, okay, And the
12:35
Speaker 3: drugs hadn't changed. They were still just as potent and
12:40
Speaker 3: in order for me to uh to get high, it
12:47
Speaker 3: did it took way less of an amount, So my
12:49
Speaker 3: tolerance had come down and I basically just hit the
12:53
Speaker 3: ground running with it again. But it didn't take more
12:55
Speaker 3: than a I'd say two to three weeks at this
12:59
Speaker 3: time before I was right back in that position. So
13:02
Speaker 3: when I had first started using the drug, the manageability
13:07
Speaker 3: had been you know, a long time. I was able
13:10
Speaker 3: to keep employment for a while, I was able to
13:12
Speaker 3: be sociable. This when I had relapsed. When I got back,
13:17
Speaker 3: it was immediately off the cliff, like it was so drastic,
13:21
Speaker 3: how how fast the ceiling had come down on me.
13:25
Speaker 3: But I was still trying to hide it the whole time.
13:27
Speaker 1: Sure.
13:28
Speaker 2: Yeah, So when when you were back to using again,
13:32
Speaker 2: how did that affect your family and your family life
13:36
Speaker 2: in terms of, you know, going from being clean and
13:43
Speaker 2: then moving back and how did that go for you know,
13:47
Speaker 2: you have a young child obviously, and married and things.
13:51
Speaker 1: So you know what tell us a little bit about that?
13:55
Speaker 3: So and should I should clarify I hadn't. Me and
14:00
Speaker 3: my daughter's mother, we never got married. But in my mind,
14:09
Speaker 3: I'm telling myself that nobody has a clue that I'm
14:14
Speaker 3: out out here getting loaded, you know, doing all these
14:18
Speaker 3: crazy things. It's just insane, right, But I'm over here
14:23
Speaker 3: like nobody has a clue. So, I mean, I guess
14:27
Speaker 3: a lot of my family probably would have been in
14:30
Speaker 3: denial about it. And you know, it's funny. I will
14:35
Speaker 3: never forget the day because everybody knew, and later when
14:39
Speaker 3: it came out, you know, everybody had told me. Like
14:44
Speaker 3: when we had moved to Idaho, my mom had placed
14:49
Speaker 3: a call to my sister and brother and she had
14:52
Speaker 3: told them that I wasn't doing well and that I
14:55
Speaker 3: needed help, and that was and I had never I
14:58
Speaker 3: never knew that when I left and moved there, so
15:02
Speaker 3: everybody knew, but I was able to trick myself into
15:04
Speaker 3: thinking that nobody had a clue. And since moving back
15:09
Speaker 3: to Phoenix, this went on for about another year or so,
15:12
Speaker 3: and then I'll never forget it. I was sitting on
15:15
Speaker 3: the couch in the living room of my mom's first
15:20
Speaker 3: floor family room, and I had started ivy using at
15:23
Speaker 3: this point, and I was sitting there with my daughter's
15:27
Speaker 3: mom and Marley was in the other room playing with
15:32
Speaker 3: her cousins, and a needle had fallen out of my pocket. Okay,
15:37
Speaker 3: would you believe that I had the goal to say
15:39
Speaker 3: that it wasn't mine falling right out of my pocket.
15:43
Speaker 3: So the first thing was everybody wanted to help, you know,
15:49
Speaker 3: my oldest sister, but actually both of my older sisters
15:54
Speaker 3: that were there at the time, my mom and I
15:56
Speaker 3: didn't want to hear any of it because in my
15:58
Speaker 3: mind I didn't have a problem. I was able to
16:01
Speaker 3: control myself. Here I am doing odds and end jobs
16:05
Speaker 3: to make ends meet, but I can handle it. Just foolish,
16:11
Speaker 3: and I did the only thing I knew how to do,
16:14
Speaker 3: and I took off and I ran okay, and then
16:16
Speaker 3: I went I went to my my my friend who
16:22
Speaker 3: who I had used with this is the same one
16:23
Speaker 3: that I worked at Ugly Pools with, and he was
16:26
Speaker 3: the one that actually said, dude, you need to go.
16:29
Speaker 3: You know, you need to go fix this. And I
16:34
Speaker 3: went back home, said I would quit, and instead of quitting,
16:38
Speaker 3: I just got better at hiding it right, or thought so, well, exactly,
16:44
Speaker 3: I get that's the key thing, Yeah, I thought so.
16:47
Speaker 2: So, you know it's like for people to understand at
16:52
Speaker 2: that point, what do you think rough ballpark?
16:56
Speaker 1: How much are you us in and say a week?
16:59
Speaker 3: At that point point, you know, I mean I'm and
17:03
Speaker 3: then no means anything that I say here today? Am
17:05
Speaker 3: I glorifying? No, no drugs or anything like that. But
17:09
Speaker 3: you got to understand this. Things were a lot different
17:12
Speaker 3: back then as far as drug wise, so it didn't
17:16
Speaker 3: take the sort of amounts that it does now. But
17:19
Speaker 3: I was doing I would say probably about three to
17:23
Speaker 3: three and a half grams a week.
17:25
Speaker 1: Okay.
17:26
Speaker 2: So I think another thing for people to understand is
17:29
Speaker 2: what do you think that that was your money wise?
17:31
Speaker 1: Because that's something that your people talk about.
17:35
Speaker 2: And I was the same way. When I stopped drinking.
17:38
Speaker 2: It was like, huh, look.
17:40
Speaker 3: At that money, right and exactly.
17:43
Speaker 2: So you know when you start and there's no denying
17:46
Speaker 2: it when you start looking at your bank account or
17:49
Speaker 2: your credit card bill and it's like geez, I don't have.
17:51
Speaker 1: You know that kind of stuff.
17:53
Speaker 2: But I've done it too where I've sat back and
17:55
Speaker 2: looked at it like, yeah, that's disturbing, you know, Like
17:59
Speaker 2: you know when you look at what you know, what
18:01
Speaker 2: do you think you spent a week?
18:03
Speaker 1: In a lot of times you don't want to come
18:05
Speaker 1: to You don't want to know because it's it's it right.
18:10
Speaker 2: So it's like, I think people need to know that though,
18:13
Speaker 2: like sometimes they don't think about that kind of stuff,
18:17
Speaker 2: you know, and how much money is just going in
18:20
Speaker 2: the wind essentially.
18:21
Speaker 3: And for me, you know, it's funny you say that,
18:24
Speaker 3: because for me, it was everything. And at this point,
18:29
Speaker 3: at that particular point in my addiction, I was doing
18:31
Speaker 3: odds and end jobs, okay, working for myself, never bidding
18:35
Speaker 3: a job over seven hundred and fifty dollars. But okay,
18:38
Speaker 3: I'll get that seven hundred and fifty dollars. Five hundred
18:41
Speaker 3: of that is going to drugs, and then two fifty
18:45
Speaker 3: of that is going to whatever needs to be provided
18:48
Speaker 3: for the household. And that's no way to live. So
18:50
Speaker 3: what happens when you burn your your contracting connections, the
18:55
Speaker 3: people that you know that you did pool service for,
18:59
Speaker 3: you know, then you turn to criminal activity. And that's
19:02
Speaker 3: exactly what was starting to happen with me. And it's
19:05
Speaker 3: crazy to think, and I've actually had conversations about this.
19:09
Speaker 3: You know, what would I be able to do with
19:11
Speaker 3: all the money that i've you know, spent on drugs
19:14
Speaker 3: if I had it back. And I'm sure, you know,
19:19
Speaker 3: a person could do a lot of good with that,
19:21
Speaker 3: But I mean, at the height of my addiction. I
19:23
Speaker 3: was literally spending over seven hundred and fifty to one
19:26
Speaker 3: thousand dollars a week.
19:29
Speaker 2: Well, and and you know you're not You're chasing the high.
19:32
Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, that's.
19:33
Speaker 1: The I guess. I think that you know you're not.
19:37
Speaker 2: Unfortunately, that's not the focus of your mind of where
19:40
Speaker 2: should I where should I be spending this money? It's
19:42
Speaker 2: where where this is where it's going to go, because
19:45
Speaker 2: if it doesn't, then I'm trouble and all and still
19:49
Speaker 2: in the whole realm of things of everything's fine, nobody
19:52
Speaker 2: knows I'm good, and it's uh. I think definitely the
19:58
Speaker 2: definition of insanity.
20:00
Speaker 1: Right.
20:00
Speaker 2: So absolutely when you hear that, you know that statement
20:05
Speaker 2: about doing the same thing over and over again, and
20:07
Speaker 2: I always think that that is a pretty solid statement
20:10
Speaker 2: about addiction, right I think that it's like, I mean,
20:14
Speaker 2: I get it, it applies to a whole bunch of stuff.
20:16
Speaker 2: But as addicts, I think that we just think that
20:22
Speaker 2: we're good, you know, and we're you know, fine in
20:26
Speaker 2: the next day, and then by noon, like I'm back
20:28
Speaker 2: to the same thing in but it's.
20:30
Speaker 3: Fine, it's fine, And it's it's the getting and using
20:33
Speaker 3: and finding ways and means to get more is what
20:37
Speaker 3: in the end, is what it comes down to. So
20:42
Speaker 3: at this point, you know, I'm found out and there's
20:45
Speaker 3: no more hiding it, there's nothing like that, but I
20:49
Speaker 3: still refuse to get help. At this point, my mom
20:53
Speaker 3: decides it's it's time that she leaves Phoenix. She couldn't
20:57
Speaker 3: work anymore, so she she left for Idaho to live
21:02
Speaker 3: with my brother. And at this point it was either
21:07
Speaker 3: get my together or I'm going to be homeless with
21:10
Speaker 3: my daughter and her mom. And I wasn't gonna do that.
21:16
Speaker 3: And by the grace of God, somehow I was able
21:20
Speaker 3: to clean my act up long enough to get away
21:24
Speaker 3: from get away from the needle, and away from the drugs.
21:29
Speaker 3: I got a job. I was a driver for a
21:35
Speaker 3: company that transported for cps, you know, for kids who
21:40
Speaker 3: were in like group homes and stuff like that. And
21:44
Speaker 3: I had actually gotten the job because Mara, that's my
21:49
Speaker 3: daughter's mom, she had she had a friend and her
21:53
Speaker 3: friend's mom worked there. So I've got this position. And
21:57
Speaker 3: in anywhere I've worked, I have I've managed to move
22:02
Speaker 3: up rather quickly, you know, or in the trust of
22:04
Speaker 3: the employer, you know, work hard enough, and then so advancements,
22:12
Speaker 3: pay raises, you know, things like that. And I was
22:15
Speaker 3: doing pretty good at this place, and I had I
22:19
Speaker 3: had gotten I'd gotten sick with bronchitis. I believe it
22:25
Speaker 3: was asthma and bronchitis, and I had gotten a prescription
22:30
Speaker 3: for promethazine with codeine and a steroid, okay, And after
22:36
Speaker 3: having that, it didn't take long before I was able
22:39
Speaker 3: to manipulate my doctor to give me a cop syrope
22:42
Speaker 3: the hydrocodone in it because the promethazine wasn't it wasn't
22:47
Speaker 3: working and it was hurting really bad. You know how
22:50
Speaker 3: lias addicts we have that had ability to do that.
22:54
Speaker 3: And when that ran out, it wasn't long before I
22:57
Speaker 3: made a call to get more. And just like when
23:00
Speaker 3: I had moved back from Idaho, like that, it did
23:04
Speaker 3: not take long before I had burned my life down
23:08
Speaker 3: all over again. That I had made it eleven months
23:13
Speaker 3: at that time, I'm about twenty I believe I was
23:16
Speaker 3: twenty two years old at the time, Okay, And now,
23:20
Speaker 3: mind you, I'm hiding it from everybody, but I had
23:23
Speaker 3: gone right back into the same thing. And for me,
23:28
Speaker 3: I know, once I became an IVY user, that was
23:31
Speaker 3: going to be the only way that I used drugs.
23:33
Speaker 3: And every time that I've relapsed in my life is
23:37
Speaker 3: that's that's how it ends up? Is it? I go
23:40
Speaker 3: straight back to it. And I was working on a
23:46
Speaker 3: vehicle for the company that I had worked for the
23:48
Speaker 3: transportation company, and I was so whacked out of my
23:52
Speaker 3: mind that I didn't have two cents to put the
23:56
Speaker 3: wheelchucks in the back wheels. And when I was underneath it,
23:59
Speaker 3: it had fallen off the jack stands and it had collapsed.
24:03
Speaker 3: My right lung, broke my back in three places, and
24:09
Speaker 3: I had gotten some burns right here on the inside
24:12
Speaker 3: of my arm. And luckily the driver of the van
24:18
Speaker 3: was able to get the van jacked up and I
24:21
Speaker 3: was able to pull myself out from underneath it. And
24:24
Speaker 3: I tell you what is it is the craziest feeling
24:27
Speaker 3: I've ever felt in my life, because I could feel
24:30
Speaker 3: the life leaving my body as I was starting to
24:33
Speaker 3: go out, because I was literally starting to pass out.
24:37
Speaker 3: And once I got out from underneath it, I have
24:39
Speaker 3: no idea why. The first thought that came to my
24:42
Speaker 3: mind was to go jump in the shower, because that
24:45
Speaker 3: was just going to fix everything. Okay, so fast forward.
24:53
Speaker 3: You know, I am heavily intoxicated with met dan phetamine,
24:58
Speaker 3: and at this point I'm already doubtbbling in heroin and painkillers.
25:04
Speaker 3: And I waited two days to go to the emergency room, okay,
25:09
Speaker 3: and it was not getting any better, and so I
25:12
Speaker 3: had went. By this time, Myra was furious. She had
25:19
Speaker 3: torn apart the whole house looking for the drugs because
25:22
Speaker 3: she knew I was loaded, and it had caused a
25:26
Speaker 3: lot of friction between us, and I had decided it
25:33
Speaker 3: would be better not to stay there because I honestly
25:38
Speaker 3: thought she was gonna kill me. And I wouldn't have
25:41
Speaker 3: blamed her because I put I literally, I put her
25:44
Speaker 3: through a lot, and I put Marley through a lot,
25:48
Speaker 3: and she was only three years old at this time.
25:51
Speaker 3: And so I can tell you right now that was
25:53
Speaker 3: the absolute worst part of getting clean, because I had
25:57
Speaker 3: I had points in time where I'd have various lengths
26:01
Speaker 3: of clean time. And the worst part is the guilt
26:03
Speaker 3: and the shame that you feel when you realize the
26:07
Speaker 3: bomb that I had set off, what it had done
26:10
Speaker 3: to the people around me. It was almost I didn't
26:15
Speaker 3: have the tools to deal with it emotionally, so I
26:19
Speaker 3: knew how to do what I do best, and that's
26:22
Speaker 3: that's go out and mask it with even more drugs.
26:26
Speaker 3: So things were getting progressively worse. So I called up
26:31
Speaker 3: my brother. I lost my job at the transportation company
26:35
Speaker 3: I'd fail to u A. I had lost my job
26:40
Speaker 3: there and I was CouchSurfing at this point, first time
26:42
Speaker 3: in my life, and I chose to be is what
26:46
Speaker 3: the sickening part is is that I chose to do
26:49
Speaker 3: this so I didn't have to face to face my
26:54
Speaker 3: my daughter's mom. Because it's easier for me to run
26:57
Speaker 3: away from my problems than to be a man and
26:59
Speaker 3: own up to them. Okay, And that took a lot
27:03
Speaker 3: of growing up. So I called my brother. I said,
27:08
Speaker 3: I said, Spencer, this isn't this isn't working out. I
27:11
Speaker 3: need your help. He bought me a plane ticket and
27:14
Speaker 3: two days later I was on a flight to Caldwell, Idaho.
27:18
Speaker 1: Okay.
27:19
Speaker 2: And so when you reached out to your brother and
27:22
Speaker 2: you said, you know this isn't going to work, what
27:25
Speaker 2: were you referencing when you said this isn't going to work.
27:28
Speaker 2: Were you talking about the relationship. Was there discussion about
27:32
Speaker 2: the drug use too, or was it more just more
27:34
Speaker 2: of that.
27:35
Speaker 1: Kind of the escape piece of it than you are
27:37
Speaker 1: looking for.
27:38
Speaker 3: And you kind of you touched on a little bit
27:41
Speaker 3: of all of them except the using part. My relationship
27:45
Speaker 3: with my brother is it's it's always been, It's always
27:49
Speaker 3: been very good. But Spencer has never really confronted me
27:53
Speaker 3: on the using aspect of it. He knew that my
27:57
Speaker 3: relationship was in shambles, and I'm sure he knew it
28:01
Speaker 3: was because of the using. He knew that I had
28:05
Speaker 3: had the accident with the van, because this is just
28:08
Speaker 3: three or four weeks after it, you know, I'm finally
28:12
Speaker 3: healed up enough, and he just he kind of, I guess,
28:21
Speaker 3: in a sense, he realized that I was defeated and
28:24
Speaker 3: there was nothing left for me to do in Phoenix
28:28
Speaker 3: except go to jail or end up dead.
28:31
Speaker 2: Okay, So, and you just mentioned the potential for jail
28:39
Speaker 2: up to that point. Had you ever been rested or
28:42
Speaker 2: been in legal trouble before you moved back to Idaho
28:46
Speaker 2: with your brother.
28:47
Speaker 3: So the closest that I had anything really to getting
28:53
Speaker 3: in trouble was just traffic tickets at this point. And
29:01
Speaker 3: I don't know if whether that's because Phoenix is just
29:04
Speaker 3: such a big area that you know, there's bigger fish
29:08
Speaker 3: to fry than just an addict, because at this point,
29:14
Speaker 3: I mean, the worst crime that I had committed was
29:18
Speaker 3: probably something like a shoplifting charge. Maybe was something that
29:21
Speaker 3: I would have gotten, but I was very crafty in
29:26
Speaker 3: ways to get my drugs, like whether it be working
29:31
Speaker 3: on vehicles for the dealer, or trading personal property or
29:38
Speaker 3: just the endless amounts or milking mom for money was
29:42
Speaker 3: another one. And you know that's something that I still feel,
29:48
Speaker 3: you know, terrible about, But so, yeah, I really at
29:54
Speaker 3: this point I hadn't hadn't really had many brushings with
29:57
Speaker 3: the law other than just like traffic tickets, stuff like.
30:00
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you talked a little bit about so you
30:06
Speaker 2: you move.
30:07
Speaker 1: Back to Idaho with your brother, and.
30:11
Speaker 2: I think one of the things that we talk about
30:13
Speaker 2: at Heartview quite a bit is that when your family
30:18
Speaker 2: recognizes that a loved one is struggling with addiction, a
30:25
Speaker 2: lot of times the things that they are doing that
30:28
Speaker 2: they think are helping you are actually making it worse.
30:32
Speaker 2: And the things that probably needed to take place or
30:36
Speaker 2: that you wish would have taken place aren't even on.
30:39
Speaker 2: You know, nothing like that is occurring, and no fault
30:43
Speaker 2: of anyone, because no one knows what to do in
30:45
Speaker 2: most cases, right, So I think that you know, when
30:48
Speaker 2: you see a family member or a friend struggling, you
30:51
Speaker 2: do the best that you can to help them, but
30:54
Speaker 2: you don't know, you don't know.
30:56
Speaker 1: You know, if that's going to work or it's not
30:57
Speaker 1: going to work.
30:57
Speaker 2: And so what did you how did you experienced that
31:01
Speaker 2: you know, like, were there things that kind of stand
31:05
Speaker 2: out to you that like, yeah, that definitely.
31:08
Speaker 1: Made things worse for me or and or were there
31:12
Speaker 1: things that were like yeah, that helped me at least.
31:15
Speaker 2: Maybe see the light a little bit more of like
31:17
Speaker 2: yeah that Hiden is that great?
31:19
Speaker 3: So for me personally, this is what the horrible part
31:25
Speaker 3: of my disease is is that I can wear mini
31:27
Speaker 3: masks and I'm a great one for manipulating. Do I
31:31
Speaker 3: wish that my mom had been less enabling by not
31:35
Speaker 3: giving me the bank card or letting me take advantage
31:40
Speaker 3: of her generosity. Well, the other side of the coin
31:44
Speaker 3: that I have to look at with that is is
31:45
Speaker 3: what I've just stolen it from her anyway, I think,
31:50
Speaker 3: and my mother has told me this before that you know,
31:54
Speaker 3: there were nights that she stayed by the phone, just
31:56
Speaker 3: waiting for the call from the cops to say that
31:58
Speaker 3: I was dead and an act of addiction. I didn't
32:03
Speaker 3: want to hear that. To me, that was crap. I
32:05
Speaker 3: didn't want to hear it because nobody's going to tell
32:08
Speaker 3: me what I'm going to do. And my family had
32:13
Speaker 3: lent a hand to help and I refused it. And
32:19
Speaker 3: I don't think. I'm a firm believer and everything happens
32:24
Speaker 3: for a reason. I believe that this path that that
32:30
Speaker 3: I went on was was all for a reason. And
32:34
Speaker 3: I try not to look back and think about if
32:38
Speaker 3: somebody could have done something different or anything like that.
32:41
Speaker 3: But what I can tell you is that I wish
32:46
Speaker 3: I would have gotten involved with with a treatment program,
32:50
Speaker 3: and I wish I would have gotten involved with a
32:52
Speaker 3: twelve step program when I was in my right state
32:57
Speaker 3: of mind, like when I had when I had first
32:59
Speaker 3: left Phoenix and I had gotten to Idaho. If I
33:03
Speaker 3: if I had put my pride aside for a minute
33:06
Speaker 3: and I had actually had taken taken it serious, because
33:10
Speaker 3: in my mind, I was so young in naive that
33:14
Speaker 3: I believed in a thing called willpower. Well now in recovery,
33:19
Speaker 3: that that doesn't exist because there's only one will, and
33:22
Speaker 3: that's my God's will and that's that's it. But me
33:26
Speaker 3: being young and dumb, I want to say I didn't
33:31
Speaker 3: know any better, but I just don't think I put
33:33
Speaker 3: forth the effort to really to really give it a shot.
33:37
Speaker 3: So I think if maybe because the success that I've
33:42
Speaker 3: had now in going through through hard view and through treatment,
33:46
Speaker 3: maybe if I had had that earlier in my life
33:50
Speaker 3: and took it seriously, you know, maybe I wouldn't have
33:54
Speaker 3: the felonies that I have now so well.
33:56
Speaker 2: And I think that that's true for you know, it's
34:00
Speaker 2: true for everyone in terms of you know, a lot
34:02
Speaker 2: of times when your family or friends.
34:03
Speaker 1: Come to you, the immediate thing is defensive or to be.
34:09
Speaker 2: Maybe coming out of your mouthing you're crazy, but in
34:12
Speaker 2: your head you're like, yeah, no, they're probably right, but
34:14
Speaker 2: I don't want to hear that right now kind of thing.
34:16
Speaker 2: I think that it's a whole lot of mixed emotions
34:22
Speaker 2: and reactions. And then leaving there, I can recall many
34:25
Speaker 2: times of being told you need help, you know, you
34:29
Speaker 2: need to do something, and my immediate reaction was, first
34:33
Speaker 2: I got to get out of here. And then second
34:36
Speaker 2: thing is I need to go find a drink because
34:39
Speaker 2: I am. I'm stressed, right in quotations like seriously, you know,
34:45
Speaker 2: I think that that's you know where our method to
34:48
Speaker 2: our madness is a prescription for disaster, and so you know,
34:53
Speaker 2: it's like but you just don't see it, and it's
34:56
Speaker 2: I can see why family and friends are just shaking
34:59
Speaker 2: their head, like seriously, but.
35:02
Speaker 1: I do think like what you.
35:03
Speaker 2: Said, though, I mean, that's so common and people's response
35:07
Speaker 2: and how they react to something like that.
35:11
Speaker 3: What better way to deal with catastrophe than dumping gas
35:14
Speaker 3: on the fire? Right?
35:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's a that's definitely let's just make it
35:20
Speaker 2: just a whole lot worse.
35:21
Speaker 1: Please, see it's it's much.
35:22
Speaker 3: It's much prettier from the attic standpoint to see.
35:25
Speaker 1: The ball of fire, yes, and it's fine.
35:28
Speaker 3: Then to deal with the smoke and ashes after it's
35:30
Speaker 3: put out.
35:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, So okay, let's get to a little bit more
35:35
Speaker 2: about what led you to treatment, Like, so what kind
35:39
Speaker 2: of till it, Like, tell me the nuts and boats
35:42
Speaker 2: of it, of your intake all those kinds of things,
35:45
Speaker 2: because I think that that is something too that people
35:47
Speaker 2: don't don't know, and rightfully so they wouldn't. And I
35:51
Speaker 2: think there's a lot of people that come in that
35:53
Speaker 2: are scared, and I was as well. When I went
35:56
Speaker 2: it was terrifying, Oh absolutely, because it's like you're so
35:59
Speaker 2: used to this life of again chaos, but you don't
36:03
Speaker 2: that's what you're used to all of a sudden, my
36:07
Speaker 2: crutch is gone now. So tell us a little bit
36:10
Speaker 2: about what was that day like for you, and you know,
36:12
Speaker 2: what was going through your mind, how were you feeling, you.
36:15
Speaker 1: Know, all those kinds of things.
36:16
Speaker 3: Okay, so I'll I'll just kind of give a brief
36:21
Speaker 3: generalization of the first two failed attempts, and then we'll
36:24
Speaker 3: get right to the good one, the successful round of treatment. Okay,
36:28
Speaker 3: so we're gonna fast forward to I moved out here
36:31
Speaker 3: to North Dakota in twenty thirteen. My idea of living
36:36
Speaker 3: clean was killing about a twelve pack of fireball a
36:39
Speaker 3: night and just basically focusing on the drinking aspect. Okay.
36:44
Speaker 3: This changed in twenty eighteen with a shoulder surgery and
36:49
Speaker 3: basically just getting involved with the wrong people. I didn't
36:53
Speaker 3: have my constant job at this point. I was spending
36:57
Speaker 3: about one thousand dollars a week. I was made at
37:00
Speaker 3: thirty one dollars an hour, and I was spending the
37:03
Speaker 3: majority of it on drugs and still needing more. I
37:09
Speaker 3: got in trouble with the law. Finally had caught up
37:13
Speaker 3: to me after twenty nine. I was twenty nine years
37:17
Speaker 3: old at the time. I had gotten in trouble on
37:22
Speaker 3: some drugs and gun charges, and you'd think that would
37:27
Speaker 3: be enough for me to clean my act up. I
37:30
Speaker 3: was in and out of jail for the next eight
37:32
Speaker 3: months as the ATF put together their case. In February,
37:38
Speaker 3: I was federally indicted. I was given opportunities to go
37:41
Speaker 3: through treatment and drug court, and I squandered every opportunity
37:48
Speaker 3: I was in. The throw is so bad. I can't
37:50
Speaker 3: even begin to explain how just how engulfed in my addiction.
37:55
Speaker 3: I was every waking moment of my life was getting
38:00
Speaker 3: and finding ways and means to get more. Okay, So
38:03
Speaker 3: I had gone to what was then called I think
38:07
Speaker 3: it was West Central then. This is while I was
38:12
Speaker 3: in a Bismarck transition center on pre trial release. Okay,
38:16
Speaker 3: couldn't stay clean. I was using I got sent I
38:21
Speaker 3: got a forty two month prison sentence to where this
38:28
Speaker 3: and this was all during COVID. So I went to
38:31
Speaker 3: federal prison. I did what was called the art APP program.
38:35
Speaker 3: It was a nine month treatment program, and that was
38:39
Speaker 3: the first time. You know, it's cognitive therapy. I believed
38:45
Speaker 3: this in my heart to this day. The biggest mistake
38:51
Speaker 3: that I made when I got out of prison is
38:53
Speaker 3: I thought I was cured of my disease and I
38:56
Speaker 3: thought I didn't need a program. I was working a
39:01
Speaker 3: twelve step program in prison when I got out. I
39:05
Speaker 3: was so odd by this new life, this fresh start
39:10
Speaker 3: that I felt like I had at this time. And
39:14
Speaker 3: I made it ten months before I relapsed. Okay, okay,
39:17
Speaker 3: I'm on federal probation at this point, and I was
39:22
Speaker 3: on the lowest form of probation, so I saw my
39:24
Speaker 3: probation officer once every three months. And so I had
39:29
Speaker 3: started using pretty good again straight back to the needle.
39:33
Speaker 3: It was maybe like two weeks before I was intravenously using.
39:39
Speaker 3: This was different, this relapse because I felt something different.
39:46
Speaker 3: I felt in my mind, in my heart I was
39:48
Speaker 3: making a mistake, but I just couldn't stop. You know,
39:53
Speaker 3: it gets that grip on you, and I knew I
39:59
Speaker 3: was letting my daughter down and my wife now who
40:05
Speaker 3: I'm married to. I had been using about seven months,
40:13
Speaker 3: and this is how I knew it was different from
40:15
Speaker 3: the other times I relapses because I couldn't hide it
40:19
Speaker 3: from her, like literally, the guilt was eating me so
40:22
Speaker 3: bad inside that finally one night I was in the
40:27
Speaker 3: because she noticed the differences. She's a smart girl, very smart.
40:32
Speaker 3: She don't know me, but she's smart, and she knew
40:35
Speaker 3: that something was up and I couldn't take it. I
40:37
Speaker 3: broke down and I told her so. And this was
40:42
Speaker 3: in June of twenty three. Okay, so this was right
40:47
Speaker 3: before my birthday, and I had the most sincere desire
40:52
Speaker 3: to stop using. I just couldn't do it. I tried
40:56
Speaker 3: everything at this point, I'm using fentanyl, methanphetamine, hallucinogens, anything
41:04
Speaker 3: to keep me from getting sick because the fentanyl is
41:07
Speaker 3: and this was the first time that I had really
41:10
Speaker 3: used it for a long period of time, and it
41:12
Speaker 3: just it grabbed a hold of me and it wouldn't
41:15
Speaker 3: let go. I had overdosed twice on it, you know,
41:19
Speaker 3: this relapse, and I just and she stuck with me,
41:24
Speaker 3: and my daughter's stuck with me, and I tried, but
41:28
Speaker 3: I just I couldn't do it on my own, and
41:33
Speaker 3: I refused to ask for help. So we're going to
41:38
Speaker 3: fast forward a little bit. I kept failing you as
41:42
Speaker 3: I was hit or miss. For every two i'd trick
41:45
Speaker 3: and pass, manipulate, there'd be one I failed. And the
41:50
Speaker 3: best thing that anybody could have ever done for me
41:53
Speaker 3: is my wife. She called my mom and she said, Sandra,
41:58
Speaker 3: I don't know what to do. Uh, he's using again.
42:02
Speaker 3: I know he's using again. And she said, I'm scared
42:04
Speaker 3: he's gonna die. And my mom told her to call
42:08
Speaker 3: my probation officer. And uh, you would think you would
42:13
Speaker 3: think a guy would be mad about that. But I
42:16
Speaker 3: owe my life because I believe I don't. I believe
42:20
Speaker 3: I would not be here today if she hadn't made
42:23
Speaker 3: that phone call. So my probation officer corners me in
42:27
Speaker 3: the apartment that I wasn't supposed to be living in.
42:31
Speaker 3: He says, you stay here tonight. You don't leave tomorrow morning.
42:35
Speaker 3: I'm gonna call you. Have your bags packed. You're going
42:37
Speaker 3: back to h to a halfway house. Okay, that was
42:41
Speaker 3: that was my option, and I just felt I felt
42:47
Speaker 3: so depressed that you know, I thought, Wow, what a
42:53
Speaker 3: What a failure, you know what a what a just
42:57
Speaker 3: a complete and utter failure and mess that I had
42:59
Speaker 3: made of my life. And I was making the arrangements.
43:07
Speaker 3: I was, you know, getting my stuff cleaned up that
43:10
Speaker 3: was in the apartment garage, taking care of the necessity
43:15
Speaker 3: things that I needed to because he told me I
43:17
Speaker 3: was going away for at least six months. And I
43:20
Speaker 3: got a call the next morning from him and he said,
43:23
Speaker 3: all right, Simon, this is this is the deal, and
43:28
Speaker 3: this is the only one you're going to get. All
43:31
Speaker 3: the halfway houses are full. You have to check yourself
43:36
Speaker 3: into an impatient treatment for a minimum of one month,
43:40
Speaker 3: and when you are done, you have to go to
43:44
Speaker 3: a sober living house. It's either that or you're going
43:47
Speaker 3: back to federal prison. That broke down, crying. I thanked him.
43:56
Speaker 3: I immediately because I was driving my truck at the time.
43:59
Speaker 3: I immediately went to Hardview, had an evaluation, and it
44:04
Speaker 3: was it was going to be a ten day wait.
44:08
Speaker 3: But I knew I was I knew I was going
44:10
Speaker 3: to be able to do it. So those next ten
44:14
Speaker 3: days were Yeah, we're extremely rough, but I will tell
44:18
Speaker 3: you I will never ever in my life forget the
44:23
Speaker 3: feeling of just absolute relief when I walked through the
44:28
Speaker 3: front doors of the hard View on twenty third Street,
44:32
Speaker 3: and because I knew I didn't have to fight anymore, right,
44:36
Speaker 3: and I never looked back.
44:39
Speaker 2: So, you know, starting out, you know, we get sometimes
44:43
Speaker 2: I get people that ask me.
44:46
Speaker 1: What happens then?
44:47
Speaker 2: Right, so you're you're now in the program, you show
44:51
Speaker 2: up at twenty third Street, and tell us a little
44:55
Speaker 2: bit about that.
44:55
Speaker 1: First like that first day, first couple.
44:57
Speaker 2: Of days of when when you move in, like what
45:00
Speaker 2: you know, what kind of things are happening at that
45:02
Speaker 2: point for you.
45:04
Speaker 3: So when I when I had first gotten a heart View,
45:08
Speaker 3: I was really emotionally exhausted and I will never forget. Uh.
45:16
Speaker 3: The staff was incredible. I actually I knew some of
45:21
Speaker 3: the people, the people that had worked there. I didn't
45:24
Speaker 3: know that at the time, but people that had had
45:28
Speaker 3: changed careers and you know, had had worked at Heartview now.
45:33
Speaker 3: But I was able to I was able to settle
45:35
Speaker 3: in really easy, and like my my roommate at the
45:40
Speaker 3: time made it extremely easy. My uh would you call
45:47
Speaker 3: it drug treatment specialists? My my counselor, she was just
45:53
Speaker 3: incredible and I just I owe so so much of
45:56
Speaker 3: of my recovery to her because she she gave me
46:03
Speaker 3: the ability to not park in my own for too
46:06
Speaker 3: long and really, you know, get out of myself and
46:10
Speaker 3: open up. So it wasn't long before I started doing
46:15
Speaker 3: the work I immediately got involved with with a program meetings.
46:21
Speaker 3: I went to meetings every night I actually started doing
46:27
Speaker 3: because you can either do zoom meetings well, I mean
46:30
Speaker 3: that's how it was when I was there, or you
46:32
Speaker 3: could go out and actually go to the facility. Well
46:36
Speaker 3: on Saturdays, we were actually able to hold our own
46:40
Speaker 3: meeting in house, and it was something that was it
46:43
Speaker 3: was it was really special because it really gave me
46:45
Speaker 3: meaning and purpose and it was a way for me
46:49
Speaker 3: to kind of give back of something that I had
46:53
Speaker 3: gotten from from being there in hardview. And just one
46:58
Speaker 3: of the things that I cherished the most is if
47:00
Speaker 3: I ever had a question, I never felt uncomfortable or
47:05
Speaker 3: scared to ask, especially with with my counselor. Now, granted
47:10
Speaker 3: I'm very realistic, I realized that not everybody is going
47:15
Speaker 3: to have every answer, and I don't expect them to.
47:18
Speaker 3: But a lot of the advice that I was given
47:21
Speaker 3: and just the actual the hard work and and the
47:26
Speaker 3: feeling and the genuine commitment that that everybody, that every
47:32
Speaker 3: all the staff had there at Harvey was something that
47:35
Speaker 3: that was really amazing and it it made it all worthwhile.
47:39
Speaker 3: It was tremendous to my success and recovery well.
47:42
Speaker 2: And I think that you know, you talk about your
47:45
Speaker 2: counselor and and and you know, we're fortunate. We have
47:49
Speaker 2: a tremendous team of license addiction counselors and nurses, and
47:54
Speaker 2: we have a doctor, and we have you know, a
47:56
Speaker 2: lot of people. I don't I don't think realize that,
48:00
Speaker 2: you know, we literally have our own kind of village
48:03
Speaker 2: of people that surround someone and we work really hard
48:07
Speaker 2: to meet someone where they're at in there, you know,
48:09
Speaker 2: in their addiction and finding that path on what works
48:14
Speaker 2: best to help people start navigating that journey is really
48:21
Speaker 2: the recipe for you know, to get you on track.
48:25
Speaker 1: But I think when you talk.
48:26
Speaker 2: About you said this word a couple of times, and
48:30
Speaker 2: I've references as well when I talk to people about
48:35
Speaker 2: going through recovery, is the word work is full on.
48:39
Speaker 2: That's what it is, absolutely right.
48:41
Speaker 1: So it's not only.
48:44
Speaker 2: Finding yourself physically now dealing with what you used to
48:50
Speaker 2: what you knew in terms of addressing whatever it was
48:53
Speaker 2: it came at you for the day, but it's the mental.
48:56
Speaker 1: Piece of it. It's also.
48:59
Speaker 2: You got to face some things, right And I think
49:01
Speaker 2: that at first those are maybe things that you're like, dah,
49:05
Speaker 2: I don't want to deal with this stuff.
49:07
Speaker 3: Right right, But.
49:10
Speaker 2: After you start processing some of that stuff and having
49:14
Speaker 2: the people that are there that there's no judgment, you know,
49:18
Speaker 2: they're going to ask you questions, they're going to help
49:21
Speaker 2: give you the tools that you need. But you know,
49:24
Speaker 2: addressing those things is a crucial piece of your recovery.
49:27
Speaker 3: Absolutely. And I think another thing that something that really
49:33
Speaker 3: surprised me. And I'm going to give a little praise here,
49:38
Speaker 3: and I'm not going to knock other, you know, treatment places,
49:42
Speaker 3: because I know that everybody. I believe that everybody in
49:45
Speaker 3: their heart always has good attention, good intentions. But my
49:49
Speaker 3: experience at heart View, it wasn't just one or two people,
49:53
Speaker 3: it was everybody collectively not only approached my situation and
49:59
Speaker 3: my disease with a with a certain level of not
50:02
Speaker 3: only humanity and respect, but most importantly accountability. And I
50:08
Speaker 3: think that was something that you know, especially working through
50:12
Speaker 3: a lot of the trauma that I you know, that
50:16
Speaker 3: I had as a kid. I play a part in
50:23
Speaker 3: everything in my life, every decision, I make, everything that
50:27
Speaker 3: happens to me. I need to be able to see
50:30
Speaker 3: my part in those situations and and take accountability for it.
50:36
Speaker 3: And you know, my counselor I love her to death.
50:40
Speaker 3: I actually see her at church sometimes and she really
50:46
Speaker 3: had a very human way of of approaching it and
50:53
Speaker 3: not just like some robotic copy and paste, you know,
50:59
Speaker 3: tech book explaining of it. No, broke it down empathetically,
51:06
Speaker 3: you know, you know, to a point where not only
51:09
Speaker 3: I could understand it, but it felt so genuine that
51:14
Speaker 3: how could it not inspire me to do better by myself,
51:18
Speaker 3: you know, for my family, put my recovery first so
51:23
Speaker 3: that I can actually be there for them and take
51:26
Speaker 3: care of my responsibilities. And that was, you know, just
51:31
Speaker 3: it was. It made it a lot easier for me
51:34
Speaker 3: to put the work in and go through the experience
51:38
Speaker 3: to have that that approach from the staff at Harview,
51:41
Speaker 3: and it was really incredible.
51:44
Speaker 2: So I think kind of the last thing that I
51:48
Speaker 2: think we should talk about is where are you at now?
51:52
Speaker 2: And I know that you know, you're still active with
51:56
Speaker 2: Heartview maybe from a little bit different angle too, And
51:59
Speaker 2: I think that that's important to share that full circle
52:02
Speaker 2: on you know, what what you're up to these days
52:05
Speaker 2: and what's happening.
52:06
Speaker 3: Oh absolutely, Okay. So I have the honor and the
52:13
Speaker 3: privilege of holding a meeting. I go in every Saturday
52:19
Speaker 3: at the same hardview on on twenty third. When I
52:22
Speaker 3: had left, I had set a bunch of goals, and
52:27
Speaker 3: one of the goals that I had set was to
52:31
Speaker 3: start a meeting. And you know the director over there,
52:37
Speaker 3: who I love to death. He's an amazing guy. I
52:41
Speaker 3: cannot say enough good things about him. He allowed me
52:45
Speaker 3: to fulfill not only that goal but that dream by
52:48
Speaker 3: allowing me to come in there and not only share
52:51
Speaker 3: my experience, but to be human with these with these
52:56
Speaker 3: with these guys and gals, because they keep me clean. That's,
53:00
Speaker 3: you know, my program that I work now, being involved
53:05
Speaker 3: in the community and working with others. That's what I
53:10
Speaker 3: was missing when I got out of prison. And I
53:14
Speaker 3: know that, and I wasn't gonna make the same mistake again.
53:18
Speaker 3: And it's funny because when life happens, because we don't
53:26
Speaker 3: dictate what happens, I'll never forget I had gotten out
53:29
Speaker 3: of treatment. I had been about five months clean. I
53:34
Speaker 3: was at work. I got a phone call. My daughter's
53:38
Speaker 3: mom had passed away. Suddenly, her heart had stopped. I
53:43
Speaker 3: was forty five minutes later. I was carrying my tools
53:47
Speaker 3: out to my truck. In my mind, I am wondering,
53:50
Speaker 3: Oh my God, what how am I going to tell
53:52
Speaker 3: Marley the All these thoughts are racing through my head.
53:56
Speaker 3: I slip and I break my left ankle.
53:58
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, Oh okay.
54:04
Speaker 3: I have a plate and a bunch of screws in
54:08
Speaker 3: my leg at this point. So I'm on my way
54:11
Speaker 3: to the emergency room. My wife and daughter meet me there.
54:16
Speaker 3: I break the news tour. The very next day, I'm
54:22
Speaker 3: fixing the door on crutches, and my daughter slams the
54:29
Speaker 3: door to get it to close, and the cat was
54:31
Speaker 3: in the door. So I want you to picture this.
54:35
Speaker 3: I'm on crutches, I've got an injured cat and a
54:39
Speaker 3: cat carrier, and I'm trying to hobble down to get
54:42
Speaker 3: in the car with my daughter to rush Sonny to
54:45
Speaker 3: the vet. And all these things are happening, And for
54:50
Speaker 3: the very first time in my life, drugs did not
54:55
Speaker 3: pass through my mind, and it was the most incredible feeling,
55:01
Speaker 3: because I'm the type of addict that I will use
55:05
Speaker 3: any excuse in the world to go out and get loaded,
55:08
Speaker 3: any absolutely, and to see that, you know, my responsibilities
55:16
Speaker 3: as a father, as a husband, you know, as a
55:19
Speaker 3: son was the first thing that came to my mind.
55:21
Speaker 3: And not going out and get loaded. And it's the
55:24
Speaker 3: first time ever in my life I looked a doctor
55:27
Speaker 3: in the face and said, I refuse any narcotic pain medication.
55:33
Speaker 2: And that that alone takes a tremendous amount of strength
55:36
Speaker 2: because you're already in a whole lot of pain, plus
55:39
Speaker 2: all the other things are going on when you know
55:43
Speaker 2: you could have easily had access to that. And so I, man,
55:46
Speaker 2: I'm super proud of you for that, because that took
55:48
Speaker 2: a lot to do that, and I can't even imagine
55:51
Speaker 2: the pain let alone, But that just shows how strong
55:56
Speaker 2: you are, and that's that's incredible, and that's amazing.
56:00
Speaker 1: Proud of you.
56:00
Speaker 3: No, I'm not gonna lie. I took a lot of
56:03
Speaker 3: ibuprofen and time and all, and I had just the
56:06
Speaker 3: most amazing support I was. I believe I was still
56:11
Speaker 3: in IOP at that point, and I was able to
56:14
Speaker 3: share that and It's one of the coolest aspects of this,
56:20
Speaker 3: this whole journey and this experience, is that I have
56:23
Speaker 3: picked up so many amazing friends along the way, and
56:28
Speaker 3: I've had so many shock and awe moments. It just
56:35
Speaker 3: it makes me incredibly proud and it's it's amazing to
56:38
Speaker 3: see because it's very fulfilling, and it's uh, hey, it's
56:42
Speaker 3: it's good to have your cup filled up every once
56:44
Speaker 3: in a while.
56:45
Speaker 1: Well, and you should be proud of yourself.
56:47
Speaker 2: I mean, you know that that's and I think that's
56:50
Speaker 2: something too as an addict that you don't say very
56:52
Speaker 2: often to yourself, and you should be and you know
56:54
Speaker 2: that you sharing your story and now you're just being
57:01
Speaker 2: out there and helping other people is I mean, it
57:04
Speaker 2: truly is inspiring. But it's also obviously it fuels you
57:08
Speaker 2: now too, And so finding that path is tremendous and
57:13
Speaker 2: I'm so proud of you, and I'm like just super
57:17
Speaker 2: grateful that you know that you share that today.
57:20
Speaker 1: And you know that you just.
57:24
Speaker 2: All the things that you're doing, everything's coming together for
57:27
Speaker 2: you and and so sometimes that road is awfully bumpy
57:30
Speaker 2: until you get to the right spot and you're there now,
57:33
Speaker 2: and so I'm happy for you, I'm proud of you,
57:37
Speaker 2: and I just can't say enough good things. I mean,
57:40
Speaker 2: just thank you for sharing and thank you for helping
57:44
Speaker 2: and continuing to inspire people. So do you have anything
57:48
Speaker 2: else that you can think of that you want to share?
57:51
Speaker 3: Well, I just wanted to say that I'm extremely grateful.
57:57
Speaker 3: I have a tremendous amount of gratitude for this opportunity.
58:00
Speaker 3: When when Jen she kind of put the bug in
58:04
Speaker 3: my ear and let me know there was no way
58:07
Speaker 3: I was going to turn it down. Like I said before,
58:12
Speaker 3: I believe in my higher power, and my higher power
58:16
Speaker 3: has put me in this position to uh to help others,
58:19
Speaker 3: and if it's me sharing my journey, then I got
58:23
Speaker 3: that's what I'm gonna do. So thank you so much
58:26
Speaker 3: for giving me this opportunity, and I greatly appreciate it.
58:29
Speaker 1: You're welcome and again super proud of you. Nice work.
58:33
Speaker 2: Thanks thank you for joining us on this episode of
58:45
Speaker 2: Recovery Chronicles. Find out more about heartewatk dot org.
58:49
Speaker 1: Keep moving forward. Remember the story is yours and you
58:52
Speaker 1: are the author.