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Teaching Kids to Handle Small Failures for Confidence Development w/Dr. Gladys Childs · 5–Minute Parenting: Tips to Help You Raise Competent, Godly Kids.

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another episode of the Five Minute Parenting Podcast.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Karen Ferguson, wife, mom, grandmom, and children's book author, with a background in K education and a passion for equipping parents to raise confident and God-confident kids.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: In this podcast, we'll cover parenting practices from both a practical view and a biblical view.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Our goal is to help you raise kids with a positive, godly self-image so they can become all they were created to be.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're busy, but we'll keep it short.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Let's take just five minutes and dive in.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Five Minute Parenting.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Karen, your show host, and today I have the privilege of talking with Dr.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Gladys Childs about how we can teach our kids to handle small failures early on so they can learn to bounce back from setbacks.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Dr.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Gladys, the Truth Doctor, meets people at the crossroads of faith and life's challenges, offering clarity, hope, and practical wisdom.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: As a religion professor, pastor's wife, author, speaker, and mom, she empowers individuals to navigate life's toughest moments in faith and freedom.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the show, Dr.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Gladys.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm super excited for this topic.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: I know how easy it can be to try and shelter our kids from failures, you know, thinking that's what's best for them.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: But it sounds like helping them learn to handle small failures early on can actually help build their confidence.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm really curious to hear what you have to share today with our listeners.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: So please jump right in.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you so much for having me.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I have now a 17-year-old son, and I worked for 25 years at a university, and one of the problems I saw with college students was a lot of them couldn't handle failure because they weren't taught when they were young.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so I know I made it a point with my own son to do this because we're gonna fail in life, we're gonna make mistakes, and it's just easier if we start teaching them young how to deal with that.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so what I did with my own son was I started small with manageable failures.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: So basically, that's just allowing your kids to face small challenges early on and just provide them a safe way for them to experience setbacks without them being overwhelming.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And by doing so, it teaches them how to cope with frustration and situations that don't carry high stakes.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so, for example, when my son was little, uh he was adamant about doing his own uh homework projects, which is actually a very good thing.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: It'd be interesting because we would take his projects to school and you could tell which kids had done their projects and which ones the parents had done them for him, but he was so adamant about doing it on his own, he wouldn't even let me like give him suggestions or help.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: And there was one project, he was doing it all wrong, and I knew that, but he just wasn't listening.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought, you know, this is elementary school, the stakes are low.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: If he gets a bad grade on this, it's not a big deal.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's elementary, so I thought, well, just let him do what he wants.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: So he he made a mess of the project, he turned it in, and obviously he got a very bad grade.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: And when he came home, he's like, Oh mom, I messed up, I did this, this, and this.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: So with that, um, that allowed us to deal with the issue.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so I gave him a small manageable, I didn't give him one, but he just obviously presented himself with a manageable failure.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but then when he did that, um, I taught him, you know, we're gonna make mistakes.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: So the next thing would be to normalize mistakes and reframe them.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: So when he came home and he brought that project and he messed up, I said, you know what, Scott?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Let's just talk through this.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Uh this is normal.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: I make mistakes, you're gonna make mistakes.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: So um, what can we do better next time?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't yell at him, I didn't get upset, I didn't say, well, wow, yeah, it was obvious, it was awful.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: I tried to help you, but you wouldn't listen.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know, those yeah, those things just aren't helpful.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: So if we just normalize saying, hey, we made you made a mistake, but you know what, we can learn from this and we can do different next time.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then the the next thing is uh would be to talk about um praising the effort.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: So he made a mistake, he wasn't listening, he recognized it, and I said, Well, you know, what did you do well?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I I asked him to look at the project and say, What did you do well?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: And he pointed out what he did well, and and I actually agree with him.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: We both agreed, and then I said, So what did you do poorly?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: And what where did you misunderstand things?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I know some people might say, but he's just an elementary, why would you ask him questions like that?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: One, because he understands, and most kids do.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, we're not talking about a three-year-old, we're talking about, you know, somebody, you know, he's probably third or fourth grade.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so I said, What could you have done better?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: What should you have done?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: And when he started thinking about, he came up with on his own idea that maybe he should have read the directions more clearly.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, you know, I agree with you, and I do the same thing.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so I gave an example of when I misread directions and the problems that caused me.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: So he sees that even I in a big huge endow, I can make mistakes too.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so I've learned I have to be careful.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: And he learned, wow, he has to be careful too, because if we don't pay attention and read directions, then we do things that we're not supposed to do when we're doing a project.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then also I think another thing is so if we start small, we normalize mistakes, we have them, we praise their effort, like where did they do good, but we have them analyze what they should have done instead.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then another thing to do is to model emotional regulation.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I mentioned earlier uh I knew that he was messing up and he was just refusing to listen.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so I didn't yell at him then, I didn't, you know, storm off in a huff.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: And when he came home, I didn't say, Well, I told you so.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: What were you thinking?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: I just I was calm.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so that helped him be calm as well.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and I think that's so important.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then also on a side note that's related, um, we as parents, we really need to try to model emotional regulation.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: So when we mess up and we make mistakes, if we remain calm and we share those mistakes when appropriate with our children, it helps them learn wow, you know, my mom or dad messed up here, but look how they handled it and what they did to fix it.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: And it really just helps our children so much because if not, then we can just put too much pressure on them.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Fascinating.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: This has been great.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is very practical.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now, how um how young would you start with this?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I know you mentioned he was in about third or fourth grade.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, now, probably for most people, it would just have been for me since being a college professor and seeing everything that I've seen in my life.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: I I tried to always let him handle as much as he could as young as possible.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I tried not to solve problems for him.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so there was a time when I think he was around uh three years old.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: And this is probably when I really started around three.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: He had rolled a ball underneath a cabinet.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Our cabinet was raised up, and so stuff would get stuffed way far back in there.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: And he goes, Mom, I I can't, I can't get the ball.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: No, my first instinct, I wanted to squat down and just reach and grab it.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought, stop yourself, Gladys, think.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I said to him, because he's only three, and so I just looked at him and I said, How can you make your arm longer?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Is there a way you can make your arm longer?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love that.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: And he looked at me and then he ran real quick.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, he had just gotten a gift of a garbage picking up stick, you know, the ones that have the handle that you can clip on pick up.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yeah, yeah.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: His his grandparents had given it to him because he just really wanted one so he could pick up objects wherever he was.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: So he ran and he got that and he got on his hands and knees and he stuck it back there and he pulled it out.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: And he was so proud of himself.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so I think around three is a good age to start.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it sounds like oh, go ahead.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, no, go ahead.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna say that sounds like you know, you're encouraging parents to let their kids be independent too, right?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: To not try to solve their problems, to let them think creatively and get used to figuring things out, like what you were making mention of, you know, coming back with your son and saying, okay, what can I learn from this experience then?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: I think that dialogue is so important with kids.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, now would you say, I have one more question here, and then I'll let you, if you have any other tips to share, but I'm I call myself a recovering perfectionist.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: So this is a bit of an aside, but do you think helping our kids to handle these small failures early on, do you think that can um help them resist those perfectionist tendencies, or do those go hand in hand, or maybe not?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: I think when we um help kids handle small setbacks, I think they're just emotionally more healthy overall.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think it may is necessarily tied to um being a perfectionist is tied to this.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: I think that having a safe, loving environment where you're really cared for, I think that helps more with perfectionist tendencies.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's what I found over the years in working with students or working with church members.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um good to know.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, good to know.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this has been so insightful.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything else you would like to share?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Any other tips that you can think of?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to cut you short here.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: I love this topic.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and I think one thing that that's really healthy for all of us to remember is um that sometimes when kids make mistakes, they may be afraid to take a risk the next time or step out of their comfort zone.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: So I think what goes hand in hand with letting them make um small mistakes and failures and learn how to recover from that is encouraging them to take risks.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: And by that, I don't I'm I don't mean like don't let your three-year-old jump off the roof.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's not a good idea.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: But uh it's okay to let them explore and do stuff that you think, oh, maybe they're just not quite old enough for that yet.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll give you an example.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: My son, we were walking through the neighborhood, and one of the older ladies in the neighborhood said, Hey, my grandkids have outgrown their um bicycle with training wheels.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, would you like your son to have it?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Oh, my son can't ride a bike, he's too young to ride a bike.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: And she looked at me, she was like, Your kid can ride a bike.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so she said, just come over and let's just see.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: So we put him on the bike and he just pedaled off.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Oh love it.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so and so sometimes we just forget that our kids can do way more than we think we can do.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: But he heard me say, Oh, he can't ride a bike.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: He got on and he rode off.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: And but the look on his face was one of pure joy and pride.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so we need to encourage them to step outside of their comfort zone and try new things, try a new sport, try a new activity, and let them know it's okay not to be perfect because the goal is always progress, um, not perfection.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I've told um like my own son, I give an example, even when he was little, I'd say, you know what?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: What if mommy started to play football today?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like I went and I signed up for a football team.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Would I be any good at it?
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, Mom, he wouldn't be any good at all.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: I said, That's right.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: I said, because I don't know what I'm doing.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: I have to learn the rules, I have to learn how to play, I have to learn how to throw a ball, how to catch a ball, I have to, I would have to learn how to do all of that.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: So if I have to do that, and if you're trying a new sport or a new activity, don't you think you need to learn stuff too?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I think when we reframe it and they realize that we only know what we know.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: And when we step into a new area, no matter who we are, whether we're a three-year-old, a 10-year-old, a 20, or a 50-year-old, when we step out into a new field, we have to learn and adapt and grow.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that just helps take a huge weight off of our youngsters and lets them try through try things and not be afraid to take risks and fail.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Very good.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Great, great pointers.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for sharing.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's been a pleasure having you here.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I do want to mention before we close that you were kind to offer listeners a freebie called Rooted in the Word.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Can you tell us a little bit about that?
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, it's a guide that offers a simple approach to Bible study by encouraging the reader to ask three pivotal questions every time they open God's Word.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: And then it also has practical tools, journaling prompts, and just tips to help individuals develop a meaningful, sustainable Bible study practice.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Wonderful.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you for sharing that.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: That will be in the show notes for listeners to download.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you again for being on the show, Dr.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Gladys.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: And listeners, thank you for joining us today.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Be sure to check the show notes for links to Dr.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Gladys' website and other resources and come back next week for another episode of Five Minute Parenting.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Have a blessed week.