Latest / Shattered Not Broken / Podcast Title: What You See Isn’t the Whole Story
Transcript
- Dawn McClara: Hi there. Welcome back to Shattered Not Broken. I've been thinking about something lately and thought I would share that with you. So there is the person other people think we are. And then there's the person we actually are. Sometimes those two people look pretty similar, and sometimes there's a whole lot happening under the surface that nobody else sees. I started thinking about what people probably see when they look at me. They see someone strong, independent, very driven, successful. They see someone who's been in real estate for 20 years. Someone who teaches future real estate agents, someone who founded a nonprofit, someone who serves on boards, organizes events, hosts a podcast, and somehow keeps a calendar that occasionally makes even me wonder what I was thinking when I scheduled all of it. They see the woman who walks into the room and see seems pretty comfortable being there. And they see someone who has been knocked down more than once and keeps getting back up. And because of all of that, I think people sometimes make an assumption about me. Dawn doesn't need anybody. And that's where they get it wrong. Because independence and not needing connection are two very different things. The strong one. I've been the strong one for a very long time. I vividly remember being told by my mother that she doesn't check in on me because she knows I can handle myself and I don't need her. And that was probably the beginning of the end of our relationship. Probably not. Beginning, but that was the catalyst that led to where we are now. You see, I've been the strong one for a very long time. And if you're listening to this and you're the strong one in your family or your friend group, you probably understand exactly what I mean. You're the person people call when something happens. You're the one who figures things out. You're the one who takes care of everybody. You're the one who says, it's okay, I've got it. And most of the time you really do. But here's something I've learned. Just because someone can carry something doesn't mean they should always have to. And that's a big difference because I can take care of myself. I can make decisions. I can solve problems. I can build a business. I can live alone. I can travel alone. I can go to dinner alone. I can Do everything I was told not to do after having surgery to get to where I wanted to be. For instance, I drove myself to the surgeon's office to be released to drive because I had me and I can do that. I can rebuild my life when it doesn't turn out the way I thought it would. I've proven all of those things. But being capable of doing life alone. doesn't necessarily mean that's what you want. And I think for the long time I confused the two. What people don't always see about me, what they probably don't immediately see is how deeply relationships matter to me. I'm sentimental. I love my family. I love time with my kids and grandkids. I love my friends. I love experiences, concerts, trips, sitting around talking. Laughing until somebody says something completely inappropriate and everyone loses it. Those are the things that matter to me. And when I care about someone, I care deeply. I don't really know how to do relationships halfway. Friendships, family relationships, romantic relationships. When you're one of my people. I'm invested. And that's a beautiful quality. But I've also learned that it can become a dangerous one when you start giving more of yourself than the relationship is giving back. Because somewhere along the way, I think I learned that love required effort, a lot of effort. So when a relationship wasn't working, I didn't necessarily stop and ask. Is this relationship right for me? Instead, I asked, what else can I do? How can I change? What can I change? How can I make this easier? Am I expecting too much? Maybe I need to be more understanding. Maybe if I just try a little harder. Does that sound familiar to you? Well here's the problem with that thinking. Sometimes you're working really hard to save something that the other person isn't working very hard to keep. So when you start shrinking, which I've talked about before on the podcast, how we shrink ourselves in relationships, I didn't necessarily realize I was doing it when I was doing it. That is the tricky part. You don't wake up one morning and announce, today, I'm going to become a smaller version of myself so somebody else will be comfortable. It happens gradually. Maybe you stop talking about something you're excited about because the other person doesn't seem interested. Maybe you downplay an accomplishment. Maybe you don't go somewhere because you know it will cause an argument. Maybe you start explaining someone's behavior to your friends. Maybe you become the spokesperson for why they behave the way they do. They're just stressed. That's just how they are. You don't understand them like I do. Eventually you realize you've been making excuses for someone who isn't even in the room. I've done that. And looking back, I have to ask myself why? Why did I believe I needed to make myself easier to love? Why did I tolerate things I wouldn't tell someone else to tolerate? Why did I sometimes feel like I had to prove that I was worthy of someone's effort? Those aren't always comfortable questions. But healing isn't always about finding comfortable answers. Sometimes healing is finally being willing to ask the uncomfortable questions. Then there's another assumption that comes with being a strong, independent woman. People think you don't want or need partnership, and I think that's completely wrong. I don't need someone to rescue me. I've never needed that. I have, for as far back as I can remember, been able to take care of myself and provide for myself and my kids. I'm not looking for somebody to swoop in and fix my life. I build a life. I'm proud of it. I have a career that I love. I teach, which fills my heart. I have my nonprofit. I have my family. I have friends. I have this podcast. I have things I want to do and places I want to go. My life isn't sitting around waiting for someone to arrive so it can finally begin. It's already happening. But here's what I've realized. You can be completely capable of carrying your own life and still want someone who occasionally says, I've got this one. There's something really beautiful about that. Not rescue, partnership. Someone who doesn't Compete with your independence, someone who isn't intimidated by your accomplishments, someone who doesn't need you to become smaller so they can feel bigger, someone who celebrates you. Someone who sends you a random text that says, I believe in you. You're a rock star. Someone who notices when you're tired. Someone who asks how your day was and actually listens to the answer without trying to talk over you or cut you short so they can tell you about their day and how. Yours isn't that bad. Someone who gives as naturally as you do. And I don't think there's anything weak about wanting that. I actually think being able to admit that takes a different kind of strength. And here's another thing I've had to recognize about myself. And I've mentioned this in the podcast before. I stay busy, like really, really busy. Real estate, teaching, nonprofit, boards, events, other organizations, podcasting, speaking, family, friends. There's always something that needs to be done. And I genuinely love most of these things. Helping people gives me purpose. Teaching gives me purpose. Building something gives me purpose. The nonprofit absolutely gives me purpose. So being busy isn't inherently a problem. But I've also had to ask myself a harder question. Have there been times when busy was easier than being quiet? Because quiet gives you time to think. Quiet gives you time to feel. Quiet gives you time to remember. And sometimes it's easier to add another thing to the calendar than it is to sit alone with what's happening inside you. That's something I'm becoming much more aware of because there is a difference between having a full life and filling every available space in your life. Because you don't want to sit in the empty ones. That realization hit me pretty hard. I've spent so much of my life asking, who needs me? Now I'm leaning to ask, or I'm learning to ask, what do I need? And I'll tell you something. That is a very hard question for me. Because when people see your accomplishments, they assume confidence. Automatically comes with them. It doesn't. You can have an entire list of things you've accomplished and still occasionally wonder whether you're enough. You can stand confidently in front of a room and still question yourself privately. You can know your professional value and still struggle with your personal value. And I think there have been times in my life when I was provide when I was proving and I was providing. I was proving I could do it so I could provide for my family. I was proving I belonged so I could provide some sense of self-worth to myself. I was proving I was successful so I could provide that persona that. My ex-husband loved flaunt in front of people. I was proving I was a good wife, a good mom, a good friend, a good businesswoman, and a good leader. Proving that I was worth choosing. But here's what I'm beginning to understand. The right people, they don't require an audition. Think about that. You shouldn't have to audition for a place in someone's life. You shouldn't have to constantly demonstrate why you're worthy of someone's friendship. You shouldn't have to convince someone to love you. You shouldn't have to chase basic respect. You shouldn't have to constantly wonder where you stand. And you certainly shouldn't have to abandon parts of yourself. To earn someone's acceptance. If someone values you, their actions will tell you that. If someone respects you, you'll feel it. If someone genuinely wants you in their life, you won't be doing all of the work required to stay there. If someone truly is your friend, when they say, You are my best friend, I don't want to lose you in my life. You help me get through it, but then they ghost you. They did not mean anything. They said If someone says, I want to do this with you, I want to be there, I want to stand by your side, I want to help you create this, build this, do this, but then they don't show up. No, that's not what they wanted at all. That applies to romantic relationships, it applies to friendships, it applies to almost every single relationship we have. So who am I underneath what everyone sees? I thought about this, journaled, and was reading my journal, and the answer surprised me a little bit because I'm not secretly some completely different person. The strong woman people see, she's real. I'm independent. I'm not gonna ask anybody for anything if I don't have. two, I'm gonna do it myself or find a way to make it happen. I'm resilient. Life will knock me down and I'll get back up. And sometimes it may take me a little bit longer to get back up, but I do. I'm ambitious. As we're recording this, I actually am in the background working on another business I want to start because not because I need to be busy, but because I see a need. And I want to be the one to fulfill that need. I'm outspoken, I'm capable, and I will absolutely figure things out. Hell. I bought an air pump because I left one day and got out of the neighborhood, and the warning light came on telling me my tire was low. So I went to the gas station to pay $2 for air, and their air machine quit working halfway through it. So I had to go to another one. But I decided, you know what? I am not gonna do that again. So I got myself an air pump that I have here at the house. So Anytime I can check it, and I don't have to go and try and find someplace because I figured out a way around that. I've rebuilt before, and if life ever requires it, I know I can rebuild again. But that's not the entire picture. I'm also someone who deeply values connections. I want relationships that have meaning. I want experiences more than possessions. I want laughter. I want music. I want conversations. I want people around me who are genuinely happy when something good happens for me. I want to be able to show up for people I love without wondering whether I'm being taken for granted. I want reciprocity. And yes, sometimes I do want someone else to take care of me. Not because I can't take care of myself, but because there's a tremendous difference between needing someone and being loved well by someone. And I'm finally understanding that. Maybe this is one of the biggest differences between who I was and who I'm becoming. For much of my life, whether I realized it or not, the question was: who do I need to be so this person will choose me? Maybe I need to be easier, more understanding, less demanding. And let me tell you, I heard that many times. Less successful, less opinionated, another frequent problem others had with me. Less emotional, less me. And I'm not asking that question anymore. The question now is, who gets access to me exactly as I am? Because access to your life is a privilege. Your time is valuable. Your energy is valuable. Your peace is valuable. Your love is valuable. And the fact that you are willing to give those things generously doesn't mean everyone automatically deserves them. That's not becoming cold. That's not building walls. That's learning boundaries. That's learning discernment. And maybe most importantly, that's learning your worth everything. And that's reminding you of your worth. So if people look at you and see you differently or act differently towards you, it's not you. It's them. Because the person they see is what they think or who they think you are. It's not who you are. You are someone who deserves everything life has to offer, and you are someone who deserves all the joy that you can get in life. So set those boundaries, remember who you are, and don't let anyone else. Make you feel like you are less. Thank you so much. Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it. we do have a couple of guests here in the next few weeks that we will be recording, so those will most likely come out in November. If Anything I've ever talked about resonates with you, or if you want to be a guest on this podcast to talk about anything that you feel would be helpful and experience something to help people see there is more on the other side, please reach out. I would love to talk to you and have you on here because quite frankly, I'm sure people get tired of hearing from me. So Have a wonderful day. Thank you again for your time, for listening, and your support. And until next time, take care of yourself and remember you are worth it.