Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Inside the Brain of Your Teenage Boy [R]

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Inside the Brain of Your Teenage Boy [R] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: I've been doing some maths, misters Happy Families. As you know,
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: it's not my strong point, but I've discovered we have
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: been parenting parenting since nineteen ninety nine. Okay, so that's okay.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: So now I'm feeling old, and thank you for the reminder.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: I added up the age of each of our children
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: so that I can get in it like an accumulative
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: total of the complete number of years a week there. Yeah, yeah,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: so if you add up the age of each of
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: the kids, one hundred and three years.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: No wonder, my body feels.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: So old, so tired, one hundred and three years. But
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: this matter is because we've got some runs on the board,
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: We've spent some time at the crease, We've done the reps.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: We love it when you send your questions through and
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: we can use that hard won wisdom to try to
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: be helpful.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: We actually have some audio today. If you've got a
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: question for us, send us a voice memo, just like
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: Kate's done to podcasts. That's podcasts with an s at
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: Happy Families dot Com.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: To a here's what Kate's it.
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: Hi, Justin and Kylie, it's Kate here. We have a
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: capable and strong sixteen year old boy. He helps people
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: out a lot and gets a lot of validation from it.
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: Flipside is we can't get him to help us ninety
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: eight percent of the time. He's particularly reluctant to help
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: his dad. We are a hard working family, and never
• 1:19
  Speaker 3: would it be acceptable to point blank refuse to chip
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: in growing up. I'm not talking slave labor. I'm talking
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: help unload the car after a buning's trip, or help
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: bring up groceries. He gets plenty of downtime, so isn't
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: overloaded by request for help. Surely we can't be the
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: only family battling. This advice would be wonderful.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: I think we dealt with something like that just the
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: other day in the kitchen. I don't know what had happened,
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: but all of a sudden, there was a little bit
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: of a conversation that took place, and then one of
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: our teenagers stormed out of the room slammed the door.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: It was a hurricane.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: What happened?
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: I asked her if she could put away there dishes
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: that were in the dishract they were dry. She didn't
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: have to. It was just too much. Kay, you are
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: not the only one. My initial reaction to Kate's question,
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: is I almost want to just be glibally dismissive of it,
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: and you know, welcome to parenting teens. Welcome to parenting teens.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: We've raised six daughters, several of them have now gone
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: through this stage, and they go through a stage where
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: they do it from the time that they're young, but
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: as they get older you really notice it more, you
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: expect more of them, and where they respond that way,
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: it's really really hard to take. I remember a time
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: when I was maybe about the same age, fifteen sixteen
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: years of age, and Mum asked me to hang some
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: washing on the line, and I remember so distinctly yelling
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: at Mum and saying, don't you know I've got a
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: life too. They're like, here I am, I'm this kid
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: with nothing better to do, and this is this is
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: I'm saying this to a woman who's raising her own
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  Speaker 1: six kids, including two sets of twins, running three businesses,
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: serving actively in her community in church, who knows what else.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: So there's some stuff going on, Kate, and we need
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: to address that so that you can help your little guy. Well,
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: he sounds like it's me guy, little to do things
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: in ways that work for your family.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: I think, first things first, it's really important for us
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: to understand some of the developmental realities that we're dealing
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: with with a sixteen year old boy.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, teenagers generally. We'll get to boys in a second.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: Teenagers generally, I mean they're just wildly egocentric, right, Like
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  Speaker 1: they really truly actually think that everyone is thinking about them,
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: everyone's talking about them, everyone's wanting for them what they
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: want for themselves.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: It's interesting. I just had a conversation with a teenager
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: this week who's really really struggling to find her people.
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: She doesn't feel like she connects, and when I asked
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: her what she thought was the number one challenge that
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: stopped the connection, she said, I think I'm just in
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: my head so much. I think that when people are
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: looking at me, they're thinking about me, they're talking about me,
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  Speaker 2: they're saying the worst things about me. When they say yes,
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: I'm actually think they're only saying yes because they feel
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: sorry for me. When they don't say anything, then you know,
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: like she just kept talking and talking it's all about them,
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  Speaker 2: without recognizing that these people probably aren't talking about them
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: because they're so worried about themselves.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: It's a perfect example. I think the thing here is
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  Speaker 1: it just boggles their mind in this instance where we
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: ask them to do something that's inconsistent with their preferences.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: They're just like, wait, what, No, I'm gaming, I'm on
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  Speaker 1: social media, I'm instagramming. I'm in the middle of the
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: most important message of my life right now. And I
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: know I'm kind of having some fun with this, but
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: that's kind of how it feels for them because of
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  Speaker 1: the egocentrism that's associated with being amid adolescent. This is
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: what it's about.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: They're really good at being in the moment, though, aren't they,
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  Speaker 2: Because literally what they're doing it is the most important
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: thing that they could be doing in that moment, as
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: it probably is.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: There's another issue, though, that we need to talk about.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: I mentioned that there's a gender issue and and I
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: want to touch on that, and that is the empathy issue.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: So with boys and empathy, it's really different to girls
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  Speaker 1: and empathy, two different kinds of empathy, Kylie. The empathy
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  Speaker 1: that most people are familiar with is the bit where
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  Speaker 1: I'm feeling what you're feeling. We call that affective empathy.
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  Speaker 1: So in psychology we talk about affect as being the
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  Speaker 1: felt part of our emotions. So if I'm having an
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  Speaker 1: affective moment, having I'm feeling something really big, affective empathy
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  Speaker 1: is this ability for me to say, Oh, it hurts
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  Speaker 1: for you, and it hurts for me seeing you hurt.
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  Speaker 1: That's affective empathy. You're smiling at me. If I'm driving this, I'm.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: Thinking back to the early days of our relationship, and
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: I remember you literally would look at me sometimes when
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: I was having a meltdown for various different reasons, with
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: this absolute, blank, blank stare. You had no idea how
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: to be in my shoes in that moment. I think
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  Speaker 2: it took a PhD and a whole heap of kids
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  Speaker 2: and a whole of life before you actually got that
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: effective empathy going.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just to be clear. It's not effective as
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: in effective, meaning it's effective and it gets things done,
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  Speaker 1: but rather affective effective. Just need to clear up the
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: clear effective as well. Well. Affective empathy can be pretty effective. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: but we're talking about affective empathy. It wasn't a PhD.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: But but boys have to mature into they have to
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: grow into that empathy, and they also have to it's
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  Speaker 1: not just a developmental thing. It's also a motivational thing.
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  Speaker 2: I think that for girls it's really different, though.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: I'm getting there. That's exactly where I'm going. So two
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: different kinds of empathy, and then I'll talk about the
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: difference between boys and girls. So there's affective empathy, and
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  Speaker 1: then there's also cognitive empathy. Cognitive empathy is the bit
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: where you're telling me what's going on, and in my head,
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  Speaker 1: I say, ah, I get it, I get how you feel.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not feeling the same sadness you're feeling, but I
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  Speaker 1: understand how sad you are, and I could imagine that
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  Speaker 1: if I was in your shoes, I would also be sad.
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  Speaker 1: So affective empathy what I'm feeling. Cognitive empathy the ability
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: to think through somebody else's feelings. Now here's the critical
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: gender difference with girls. There's a steady upward trajectory of
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  Speaker 1: both cognitive empathy and affective empathy from a round about well,
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  Speaker 1: well right throughout the childhood, but particularly from around about
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  Speaker 1: that age of eleven twelve thirteen. We just see girls.
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  Speaker 1: They reach out to each other in comfort, but they
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  Speaker 1: also know how to use because they understand how empathy
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  Speaker 1: works and how other people are feeling. They do know
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  Speaker 1: how to use that in less helpful way sometimes as well.
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  Speaker 1: When it comes to boys, Somewhere around that big testosterone boosts.
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  Speaker 1: Somewhere around twelve or thirteen, we see empathy drop. And
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  Speaker 1: it doesn't just drop, I mean it precipitously falls off
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  Speaker 1: a cliff fast and it stays down there, like it
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: just goes the opposite direction to girls super fast, and
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  Speaker 1: it stays there until a round about sixteen, which is
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  Speaker 1: when it starts to bounce back in a slow mo
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  Speaker 1: kind of way.
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  Speaker 2: Say twenty five.
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  Speaker 1: Well, like I said, as slow way, And this is
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: where what's happening in the peer group, what happens with
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  Speaker 1: the media, they consume, what's happening in their home environment,
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  Speaker 1: what's happening at school, The degree to which they're surrounded
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  Speaker 1: with kindness and empathy and goodness. That's going to have
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  Speaker 1: a motivating or demotivating impact on them in terms of
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  Speaker 1: the degree to which they're going to be empathic I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to say.
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  Speaker 2: Or how interested they are in girls.
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  Speaker 1: That may also sometimes help it sometimes, like Andrew Tate's
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  Speaker 1: interested in girls not really high on empathy there. This
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  Speaker 1: is one of the critical things for parents of boys
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  Speaker 1: to teach their sons. It's so importantant to learn empathy.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: When I hear Kate's message, I don't feel like this
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: is an empathy issue. Though this sounds like, Yeah, I
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: think you're right. He sounds like a really great kid.
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  Speaker 2: He's really helpful to others. So if it's not an
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  Speaker 2: empathy thing, what else could it be?
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  Speaker 1: Okakate, there is a second issue here. It's related to empathists.
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  Speaker 1: Related to that first big developmental reality. There is an
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: MMA fight going on inside almost every teen boy's brain
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  Speaker 1: pretty much all the time.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, you're saying MMA, like I should know what that means.
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  Speaker 1: What is that? Okay? Mma? It's mixed martial arts. You know,
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  Speaker 1: when you go past a club or a part or
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: something like that, and they've often got a big fight
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: happening on the big screen, and.
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  Speaker 2: Well I try not to look in that direction, but yeah.
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  Speaker 1: So it's the cage fighting sort of stuff. Right. So
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  Speaker 1: you've got guys who they hit and they kick and
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  Speaker 1: they do all the things, and then when they knock
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  Speaker 1: their opponents over, they get on the ground and they
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: start pounding them even though they're on the ground. It's
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: not very gentlemanly. At all. But there is an mma
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  Speaker 1: cage fight happening in every teenage boys or almost every
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  Speaker 1: teenage boy's brain, and it's a cage fight between empathy
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  Speaker 1: and entitlement. And right now, at this age, entitlement has
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: empathy on the mat and it is pounding it hard.
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  Speaker 1: And I think that entitlement's winning at this age. And
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  Speaker 1: what this does is it results in a really intoxicating
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: mix of power and privilege for the boys. That it
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: happens at every age, but it's really challenging at this age.
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  Speaker 1: So when kids are nah, or they're refusing, or they're
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: ignoring you in there eight, I mean, it still bothers
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: you as a parent, but it doesn't put you in
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: the same way as it does when there is a
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: sixteen year old man child because he's so big, he's
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: big like a man now, and when he says no
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: or when he refuses to get up, you know that
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: cognitively he's got the capacity to see that you need help.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: You know that he's a mooching leech in the house.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: If he's not going to do anything to contribute, you
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: expect him to do something. And so it just feels
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: so much more concerning he's big, and there's a higher
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: level of expected responsibility around it, and for him, pushing
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: back and saying no and pleasing himself serves his brain
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: up the hormone equivalent of a short term hit of
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: all the stuff the teenagers are taught to say no
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: to and to stay away from. It just feels so good.
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  Speaker 1: Now it won't last. It won't last. That good feeling
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  Speaker 1: of yeah, I can do what I want. That won't last.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: He's going to stay on the couch staring at his phone,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: and then he, a small part of it at least,
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: will feel really disgusted in himself for being so unwilling
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: to con tribute and help marmel dad out. But for
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: a lot of kids, that small feeling of disgust isn't
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: going to be big enough to actually get them off
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: the couch and do something.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: We talk about the three psychological needs of all all
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: of us galas of whether we're children are adults, being competency, connection,
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: and autonomy. And when I think about our teenagers and
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: their pushback.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: They just want to control their own lives.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: They just want to feel like they have control, and
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: saying no part of that feel good moment is recognizing
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: that I actually get to control this.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so I think that ties in with where I
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: kind of wanted to go, and that is to highlight
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: that this could be a correction direction issue.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: Well, I was about to say, I think for me,
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: when I think about the challenges that we have in
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: our home like this all the time, when we get
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: to the core issue every time, every single time, it's
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: a connection issue.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: Okay. So I've talked to a lot a lot of
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: times about the relationship bucket. Okay, water in the bucket
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: is connection, air is correction and direction. When our kids
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: are young, we shower attention all over them, right, so
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: much connection, so much of being seen and heard and valued.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: And the connection bucket is big enough for multiple daily soaks.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: Well, just look at the physical site of a child.
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: You pluck them up and cut you give them a cuddle,
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: and you give them a kiss because they're so tiny and
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: they're it's easy, right.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: I mean, as our daughters have gotten older, I'm just
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to hold them as close and hold
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: them as often as I did when they were younger. Okay,
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: they're going through puberty, they're going through adolescents, and as
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: a dad, I want to be close to my kids,
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: but there's also appropriate boundaries that need to be held.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: But even as a mum, right as the kids get older,
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: the relationship that I have with them changes, So by.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: The time they're teens, that balance really shifts where where
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: it's not just physical connection, it's all kinds of connection.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: We don't spend the same amount of time with them.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: They also don't spend the same amount of time.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: With us, and they don't want it.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: They're not as depending. Well, here's here's the thing. They
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: actually do want it, not to.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: The same level though, not to the same level as
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: a two year old, sure, for sure.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: But the question was down to one thing, and that's
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: how do I encourage less leeching and more willing contribution
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: to my team? And I think a central part of
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: it has to be connection. It's got to be the
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: way we spend time with our kids. That this doesn't
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: mean we connect by pandering and sucking up and giving
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: kids a leave pass whenever they don't want to do
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: the right thing. It's about quality time. It's about connections,
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: about walks and games and sports and conversations and meals
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: and quiet moments on the end of the bed and
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: going through a drive together. It's about real connection. So
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: for me, when I'm hearing Kate's challenge, I just want
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: to say, let's spend some time building that connection again.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: And you and I have both seen this with our
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: own kids. If there's been some connection that's lacking for
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: a while, your first attempts at connection pretty messy. Often
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: they do not bear fruit at all. Sometimes the kids
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: push back. Sometimes it just doesn't go anywhere. You don't
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: even know what to say. Connection is a bit like
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: our muscles. If you don't use them, the first few
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: goes back at the gym could be really strenuous, and
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: they can even lead you to a strain and having
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: to spend some more time away like I send you
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: backwards rather than Ford's. So I just think when you're
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: not getting anywhere with your kids, your number one go
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: to has got to be connection.
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: I think next, once you've started to rebuild those connections
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: with your team, it's really important to have open, honest
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: dialogue about what you're seeing in the house.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you can't do that if you haven't got
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: a strong connection for your base. Like if you sit
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: down and say, all right, we need to talk about responsibilities.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: We need to talk about roles, who's going to do what?
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: The kids just hear more correction and direction.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: What I love about what we do in our home
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: is it's a family conversation. It's not about singling any
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: person out, and it really is a conversation about how
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: has it felt to be in our home this week? Yeah,
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: and what are the things that we love about what
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: happened this week? And one of the things that we
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: just we don't feel a great what do we want
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: to change? And including our kids in it. It doesn't
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: have to be us who says it, because somebody else
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: in the house is going to go, you know what, mum,
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: and how have you been fighting all week? I haven't
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: liked that, or I haven't loved how the kitchen's been
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: a mess all the time. Like they'll bring those things
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: up without you having to point out that that's been
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: going on.
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: So that weekly conversation that we have is a really
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: easy way to get into this and just talk with
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: the kids about what the expectations are. Let's make a plan.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: We're just going to work on one of these things.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: Oh okay, So this week there's just been a general
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: lack of unhelpfulness around the house. What's our plan this week?
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: Do we all agree it doesn't feel good? Yeah? Okay,
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: So what's our plan this week? To increase the level
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: of helpfulness. So that's a really nice general way to
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: do it. You can also attack it one on one,
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: and I think there's usefulness in doing that. You want
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: to make sure that you don't get too legalistic about it,
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: you don't get too caught up in roles and responsibilities.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: But when you're talking to a sixteen year old those
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: three e's, explore where they're at, explain what your needs are,
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: and then empower them. So, buddie, where are you with this?
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: Where are you willing to step in? What contribution will
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: we make and when and how? And if you're tired
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: or if you're disengaged and we're asking you and we're
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: getting nowhere, help us now, help us make the plan? Now?
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: What's the best way for us to deal with this
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: so that we don't get flustered and you don't become
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: irate and the entitlement cycle continues. When you get them
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: on the same team, it just makes such a difference.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: So that would be our second way forward.
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: I just think there's so much power in having those
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: exploratory conversations with our kids and helping them to feel
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: empowered in making better decisions moving forward. If we can
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: remember that there's give and take in any relationship. As
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: a parent, I always want things done as soon as
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: I ask, but often that doesn't take into account what
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: my kids are doing in that instant And so if
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: we can give them the regal room to make decisions
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: that feel a little bit more autonomous, we're going to
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: get much more buy in from them if they know, Mum,
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: I'm going to have five more minutes this and then
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: I'll come and do it.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: Really, we just want to tap into the good kid
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: that he is. Understand where he is inviting to live
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: up to the highest version of himself. He will, and
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: every now and again he won't. If something seriously has
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: to be done, stand in front of him, make eye contact,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: make the demand. As a parent, sometimes you've just got
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: to do that, even with a sixteen year old boy.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: But the best discipline, ultimately it comes down to not
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: reading the Riot Act. It's not about punishment consequences. It's
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: not even about rights and roles and responsibilities. The best
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: discipline is about problem solving. And hopefully the process that
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: we've walked through in this podcast episode will help with that.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. For more information about making your family happy,
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: please visit us at happy families dot com dot au