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Bonus IMPROV - The Only Way to Succeed in Business · Very Fine Friends

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  welcome to friends like us bonus improv yes bonus improv we just need a suggestion from
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  our producer Joe to get started.
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  Glacier.
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  Glacier. Glacier.
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  You know they
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  have those pictures of
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  glaciers.
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  They use it to illustrate that what's going
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  on below the surface is much bigger than you think.
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  Where it's just like the top of it looks big but the bottom
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  is even bigger.
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  Like floating in the water. Oh yeah. Classic iceberg
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  stuff. Yeah.
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  What about it?
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  I think it's full of shit.
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  you think it's all
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  off the surface yeah i think
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  they made it up to have like a
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  they wanted a
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  like a
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  seemingly like insightful or pithy
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  type analogy or
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  metaphor
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  whatever the hell it is well you know all
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  pyramidal
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  charts and things
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  are lies so look at the food pyramid
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  huge lie yeah it's all lies
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  and like bread at the bottom right
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  how good is bread?
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  I know, so good. Don't you love a nice sourdough?
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  Yeah. I do like sourdough.
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  Yeah.
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  Do you make it? I don't.
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  I find it extremely creepy
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  that the starter just is like a living
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  thing that like
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  grows and you have to keep it alive.
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  At least you don't have to, it just doesn't
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  want to talk. That would be really
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  inconvenient. Yeah.
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  It would just never shut up. I'm just trying
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  to make bread here.
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  How's your work day?
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  Sure, you can have some of my body.
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  That's fine.
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  I'll just grow some more.
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  I know someone who makes bread.
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  Oh, like a baker?
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  Yeah.
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  A bakeress.
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  Oh.
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  Yeah.
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  That's nice.
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  Yeah.
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  Wait, are baker...
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  Do they call them bakeresses?
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  A baker and a bakeress?
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  I mean...
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  They do now.
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  Yeah.
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  You heard it here first, folks.
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  Yeah, I'd love to...
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  I think the idea of being a baker is so romantic.
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  It is nice It just like you just doing good right Like you just making people happy Yeah you just getting up at 3am And your work smells really good
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  And you got like cute little flower patches on you.
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  Yeah.
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  You're probably hot already.
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  Yeah.
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  That's why you got into baking.
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  You're probably not hot because of all the baked goods you eat.
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  But, oh well.
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  There's got to be one of them who...
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  Is a hot baker.
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  And doesn't eat their product.
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  Or they're just...
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  Have a great metabolism.
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  Yeah.
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  I hope so.
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  Yeah.
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  If I had a great metabolism, I would be a baker.
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  Me too.
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  If I had a great metabolism, I would be a great clothes wearer.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  I would do that so good.
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  Oof.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  Make it your job.
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  Yeah.
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  Give me something off the rack.
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  Anything.
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  I'll make that shit look good.
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  Yeah.
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  And now, improv.
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  Mr. Phillips?
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  Yes?
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  Thank you for this meeting.
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  I know you're very busy, but I had a dream last night,
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  a very important idea for the company,
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  and I just knew you'd want to hear it.
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  I'm all ears.
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  I produced a graphic that we're going to roll out to the entire company
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  so that they truly understand our values.
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  Oh, thank goodness.
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  Yes, I think we need that.
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  I think it'll be helpful for our corporate culture.
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  Yeah.
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  And yeah, and graphics are a great way to really clearly illustrate an idea.
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  Well, here it is.
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  And as you can see right at the top is vindictiveness and bitterness.
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  Yeah, right there.
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  Why are vindictiveness and bitterness on there at all?
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  Well, that's the only way to succeed in business.
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  I mean, if somebody hurts you, you can't forget that.
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  If you forget that, you're a sucker and you're going to be hurt again.
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  We all know that.
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  So, I don't think we want to be...
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  You don't like this?
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  Well, I'm just a little worried about the kind of corporate culture.
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  Thank you for saying that.
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  Worry is the second pillar of success.
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  Specifically, baldness causing worry.
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  And ulcers the kind of worry that causes baldness or being worried about becoming bald the kind of worry that causes baldness and ulcers yes the kind where you can even enjoy
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  dinner with your family when you go home because of how stressed you are i i get that that that
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  would make sense i don't want my my employees to be worried um no you're not understanding
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  Wait, no, no, you're not talking about us not being worried?
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  No, it's...
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  Being worried is important.
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  If you're not worried, you can't...
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  I'm just taking this with me.
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  No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
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  What did you...
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  Wait, what do you mean?
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  I'm taking this to the competition.
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  If you don't see my vision, vindictive, bitter, worrisome, angry, horny.
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  I did see that's...
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  That is a...
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  Oh, that is one of the pillars.
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  Yeah.
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  well I took that from the comedy website
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  that one's on me
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  I'm confused
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  I just want to do well here
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  I'm just looking for upward mobility
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  and I just thought this
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  you would see me and
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  promote me
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  look I appreciate the initiative that you're taking
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  but
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  I'm worried that these
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  are all like negatives
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  I think that we'll be instilling a negative
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  vibe into our corporate culture.
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  Oh, I see why you thought that, but
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  there's four negatives,
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  which means there's no negatives.
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  Which brings me to the next pillar.
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  Math.
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  There it is. It's right after horniness.
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  Yeah, two negatives
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  makes a positive.
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  Sir.
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  Two negatives makes a positive, so if there's
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  four negatives, that's
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  two positives? What do two positives
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  make? Money.
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  Company money.
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  In the form of
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  bills.
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  Jenkins,
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  you might
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  be a genius.
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  Thank you, sir.
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  I won't let you down.
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  Put me in a meeting with your biggest
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  clients, and I'll show
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  you. I can get the accounts.
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  Alright, well,
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  we have the television
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  account coming in right now.
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  They the company that makes all televisions on Earth Sir this is it All right Cut to the meeting
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  Yes, hello.
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  What?
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  What?
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  What's happening?
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  No one's ever spoken to televisions like that?
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  Yeah.
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  Go on.
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  I will, once you shut up.
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  What I was trying to say was,
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  just do what I say,
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  because we're in business
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  and you're trying to get in business.
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  TV business. Shut up.
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  And if you want to
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  move on
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  and you want to make bigger TVs
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  that you can't question a thing.
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  We're in charge. We're largely in charge.
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  Angry,
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  bald, successful people.
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  Thank you.
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  What do you have to say to that?
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  Shut up.
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  sign this paper that's your voice if you want to move forward if not
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  you you'll have to use the stairs because elevators are for customers only
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  cut to after the meeting jenkins that was unbelievable oh my god i'm sweating i'm sweating
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  this is this is crazy i feel like you've got some kind of a super
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  superpower or something. I've never seen
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  a contract signed so quickly.
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  There were tears in his eyes, sir.
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  Oh, but they were like happy tears. I watched
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  him go bald in the meeting.
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  How did you do that?
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  I know, I know. And he clearly
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  was horny because he was doubled over walking.
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  It just came
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  to me. I'm
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  a businessman.
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  I feel like I want to see how far
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  this power extends.
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  I've
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  I don't want to be married to my wife anymore
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  but I don't think she's going to agree to it
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  do you think you can
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  you want me to talk to her?
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  yeah
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  yeah I'll do it
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  I'll do it
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  cut to the wife
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  I'm sorry
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  shut up
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  and scene
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  you