Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Uncovering the Hidden Triggers of Parental Burnout | Ep. 106

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Uncovering the Hidden Triggers of Parental Burnout | Ep. 106 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Greetings, wonderful parents, and a warm welcome back to the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:12
  I'm Cheryl Lang, your host, and I hope you're weathering the chilly winds that are sweeping across the United States this week.
• 0:21
  In today's episode, we delve into a topic that resonates with many families.
• 0:27
  Parental burnout and stress.
• 0:29
  In our last conversation, we explored how to recognize burnout.
• 0:35
  Building on that, our recording team peels back the layers of various factors contributing to parental stress.
• 0:44
  Some of these sources are overt, while others masquerade as positive elements.
• 0:51
  From high expectations, to the ceaseless pressure of an ever expanding to do list, and even the deceptive nature of too much solitude, or not enough.
• 1:07
  It's truly a complex tapestry that we're unraveling.
• 1:12
  Whether you're on the go, Or relishing a quiet moment.
• 1:17
  I'm genuinely glad that you've chosen to join us.
• 1:20
  Together, let's uncover the nuances of parental stress and find ways to navigate these challenges.
• 1:29
  So, without further ado, let's dive into this conversation.
• 1:40
  Ellen: I was just thinking about how much stress there's been lately, you know, like in our culture Yes, the global events all of these things are so stressful I was laughing a while back because I was thinking about A point in my life when I was in my 40s.
• 1:56
  Ellen: I had so much stress I ran away from home.
• 1:59
  Christie: You ran
• 2:00
  Cheryl: away?
• 2:01
  Cheryl: You mean you're an adult?
• 2:02
  Cheryl: Are you talking about your kids or you?
• 2:03
  Cheryl: No, no, I
• 2:04
  Ellen: was an adult with five children
• 2:06
  Christie: at home.
• 2:07
  Christie: Did you pack a little knapsack and an orange and a granola bar?
• 2:11
  Christie: Kind
• 2:11
  Ellen: of, yes.
• 2:12
  Ellen: I just looked at everybody and I said, I'm running away from home.
• 2:15
  Ellen: And everybody's mouth dropped.
• 2:17
  Ellen: I know they didn't believe me, but I just, it wasn't a mean thing and nobody was crying as I left or anything.
• 2:23
  Ellen: But I just I I had to get away.
• 2:25
  Ellen: I just had so much stress.
• 2:28
  Ellen: I just needed to clear my head.
• 2:30
  Ellen: I've been there.
• 2:30
  Ellen: So, you know, my husband sort of took over and I took off and I think I went to
• 2:36
  Christie: four movies.
• 2:36
  Christie: I couldn't leave.
• 2:37
  Christie: I just went to the movie
• 2:39
  Ellen: theater and just
• 2:39
  Christie: changed.
• 2:40
  Christie: I love it.
• 2:41
  Christie: And
• 2:42
  Ellen: I stayed gone until.
• 2:46
  Ellen: Probably 10 o'clock at night.
• 2:47
  Ellen: I actually did come home, but I just had to, I didn't know what to do.
• 2:51
  Ellen: I didn't want to burden my friends with that because they were as stressed as I was.
• 2:57
  Ellen: I mean, with, you know, a house full of children and my false expectations, which always gets me in trouble.
• 3:02
  Ellen: But, you know, I ran away from home and my kids now laugh about it.
• 3:06
  Ellen: Yeah, I remember when mom ran away from home.
• 3:08
  Christie: and went to the movies.
• 3:10
  Christie: Oh, that's funny.
• 3:11
  Christie: Because they were kind of jealous.
• 3:12
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:13
  Cheryl: Well, you know, kids, everybody's always Telling their story when they ran away when they were We couldn't top that
• 3:22
  Christie: Makes me think of the little meme that says Please pick your shoes up.
• 3:26
  Christie: Pick up your shoes.
• 3:28
  Christie: Pick up your shoes.
• 3:29
  Christie: And then the kid says, why is mom yelling?
• 3:32
  Christie: You know, I mean, there's that buildup of like, Oh my word.
• 3:36
  Christie: You feel like nobody's
• 3:37
  Ellen: listening to you.
• 3:38
  Ellen: That's exactly your point.
• 3:39
  Ellen: You know, it's just like, nobody's listening to me.
• 3:42
  Ellen: I'm really stressed out.
• 3:43
  Ellen: And so, um, you know, that's kind of the continuation of our talking.
• 3:47
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: You
• 3:49
  Ellen: know?
• 3:49
  Ellen: Mm-Hmm.
• 3:49
  Ellen: Or you feel guilty for complaining about being stressed.
• 3:53
  Ellen: You don't really say.
• 3:54
  Ellen: Okay, time out.
• 3:55
  Ellen: I'm dying inside.
• 3:56
  Ellen: I need some time alone.
• 3:58
  Ellen: I need some time away.
• 3:59
  Ellen: Well,
• 3:59
  Christie: because you feel invisible.
• 4:01
  Christie: You know, it's just like Sometimes it's a revolving door of needs and your needs don't really ever get heard.
• 4:08
  Christie: And you feel
• 4:08
  Ellen: selfish if you don't meet everybody else's needs because you have some needs.
• 4:13
  Ellen: Now, obviously I'm older and I've learned that's not true.
• 4:16
  Ellen: That you have to feed yourself first before you
• 4:19
  Christie: feed everybody else.
• 4:20
  Christie: But in the moment, when they're all young, it's hard to sort through that.
• 4:22
  Christie: We're not
• 4:23
  Cheryl: even young! No, that's true.
• 4:24
  Cheryl: Just in the throes of parenthood.
• 4:27
  Cheryl: You know, I'm glad we're talking about this and like what you're saying because I really identify with what you're talking about.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: And we're not recommending everybody run away from home, pack your little suitcase and everything.
• 4:41
  Cheryl: But that's why we want to talk about parental burnout.
• 4:45
  Cheryl: Recognize
• 4:46
  Cheryl (2): it
• 4:46
  Cheryl: And then ideas and suggestions to help our listeners walk through the reality of burnout, that a lot of parents experience,
• 4:57
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 4:58
  Cheryl (2): To bring healthiness to it.
• 5:00
  Cheryl (2): Yeah You know, and as I was listening to you and identifying with it, you know, It didn't happen all of a sudden, at 1 0 7 on a Wednesday afternoon.
• 5:12
  Cheryl (2): You know, it's just this complex, it sure is, and it's multifaceted.
• 5:17
  Cheryl (2): I mean, you just named off, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, all of
• 5:21
  Cheryl: the different factors.
• 5:23
  Cheryl (2): And the thing is, when I'm just living my life inside my mind, I'm always, am I crazy?
• 5:32
  Cheryl (2): Why do I feel like this?
• 5:33
  Cheryl (2): Yeah, right.
• 5:35
  Cheryl (2): I mean, I don't want Our audience to be suffering and what they're doing, but identifying going, I'm struggling too with an area, you know.
• 5:47
  Cheryl (2): And nobody
• 5:47
  Ellen: knows because they're all your mom list.
• 5:50
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:50
  Ellen: It's in your head.
• 5:51
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:51
  Ellen: So if your kids and your husband are looking at you like, I don't know what the big deal is.
• 5:56
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:56
  Ellen: Well, that's because you don't have the mom list in your head.
• 5:58
  Ellen: Right.
• 5:58
  Ellen: Of everything that needs to get done so we can do this
• 6:01
  Christie: one event.
• 6:01
  Christie: Right.
• 6:02
  Christie: Everyone knows.
• 6:03
  Christie: Maybe their list, or probably just a portion of their list because they're not remembering all the things on their list.
• 6:09
  Christie: But then you have everyone's, everything on your list.
• 6:12
  Christie: Yes.
• 6:13
  Cheryl: So, I'm
• 6:14
  Cheryl (2): so
• 6:14
  Cheryl: glad we're doing this series.
• 6:16
  Cheryl: Alright, let us catch us all up, the three of us and our audience.
• 6:21
  Cheryl: Last time we kind of talked about what stress and burnout might look like.
• 6:26
  Cheryl: what
• 6:26
  Cheryl (2): symptoms might be, what it might look like, and
• 6:30
  Cheryl: let's
• 6:31
  Cheryl (2): talk about what The origins or
• 6:34
  Cheryl: the source the different factors.
• 6:36
  Cheryl: What makes stress and burnout
• 6:37
  Cheryl (2): Happen
• 6:38
  Cheryl: for parents.
• 6:39
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:40
  Cheryl: And then Ellen's our, our trophy case today of someone who was stressed and burned out in parenting.
• 6:48
  Cheryl: you know, as I think about it, source is really important.
• 6:51
  Cheryl: Well, what do you mean by source?
• 6:53
  Cheryl: To figure the source
• 6:54
  Cheryl (2): out what is causing something
• 6:56
  Ellen: Okay
• 6:57
  Cheryl (2): so for example one time, suddenly we had a bad smell.
• 7:00
  Cheryl (2): In the house.
• 7:01
  Cheryl (2): And so we were trying to figure out what it was.
• 7:05
  Cheryl (2): And so then pretty soon we go, Okay, we know it's in this one room.
• 7:09
  Cheryl: And it was sort of a big storage area with closet and stuff.
• 7:14
  Cheryl: And we go, It's in this room.
• 7:16
  Cheryl: And so particularly some of my kids had big sniffers.
• 7:19
  Cheryl: But you didn't have to be a good sniffer.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: You could smell something really wrong.
• 7:23
  Cheryl: So we started cursory.
• 7:25
  Cheryl: And then we went deeper and deeper and finally found in one Oh, like a backpack or suitcase or something that somebody had taken somewhere, there was a bag of mini carrots, those little carrot things, but it was liquefied.
• 7:44
  Cheryl: Oh, gosh.
• 7:45
  Cheryl: And so that took us forever to get to it, but see, it was finding the source that we were able to figure out.
• 7:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:54
  Cheryl: And do something about it.
• 7:55
  Cheryl: I think we threw away the suitcase.
• 7:57
  Christie: That is so interesting to think about though, like in our real lives, what is source and what is symptom?
• 8:05
  Christie: Whoa.
• 8:06
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:06
  Christie: You know?
• 8:07
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:07
  Christie: The things that we're dealing with.
• 8:09
  Christie: that are overwhelming or frustrating may be the smell, the odor, or, you know, because we
• 8:15
  Ellen: let them rot because we didn't deal with it.
• 8:18
  Ellen: Because that's how things rot.
• 8:19
  Ellen: You know, you either didn't know the carrots were there or you ignored the carrots and all would be fine.
• 8:25
  Christie: Right.
• 8:26
  Cheryl: Let's carry this analogy a little further.
• 8:28
  Cheryl: Actually, the carrots are a good thing.
• 8:30
  Cheryl: Carrots were a healthy snack.
• 8:32
  Cheryl: That's why they were in the suitcase.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: Lots of, lots of connection there.
• 8:35
  Cheryl: So it began with a really good thing.
• 8:37
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: But it If we will, it festered and rotted and became something difficult.
• 8:44
  Cheryl: I'm
• 8:44
  Ellen: notorious for having like these great ideas, like 20 of them, and thinking I can do all of them.
• 8:51
  Ellen: And then about halfway in, I'm having a minor nervous breakdown because it's dawning on me.
• 8:57
  Ellen: I can't do all of
• 8:58
  Christie: this stuff.
• 8:58
  Christie: Wow.
• 8:59
  Christie: So yeah, at our house.
• 9:00
  Christie: If you said to my kids, the plan is good, they would laugh so hard.
• 9:05
  Christie: I used to say all the time I would, you know, when they're sleeping, I would make a plan, a chore plan, a plan for the day, whatever the plan I needed was.
• 9:14
  Christie: And then we tried to execute the plan and it would all go haywire.
• 9:19
  Christie: And I would.
• 9:20
  Christie: find myself saying, Okay, the plan is good.
• 9:22
  Christie: We just need to do the plan.
• 9:24
  Christie: And so now they laughed.
• 9:25
  Christie: They're like, Mom always said the plan is good.
• 9:28
  Cheryl: Okay, so let's get into some more specifics.
• 9:32
  Cheryl: Let's try to brainstorm and talk about maybe some of the factors or the sources.
• 9:39
  Cheryl: for parents to identify and realize, oh, maybe this is what's building stress in my life.
• 9:46
  Cheryl: What is the bag of yucky carrots?
• 9:49
  Ellen: Well, with me.
• 9:50
  Ellen: Even now, it's high expectations.
• 9:52
  Ellen: I get the picture in my mind of how everything's supposed to look, whether it's a holiday or a vacation or just daily life.
• 10:00
  Ellen: Yes.
• 10:00
  Ellen: And then, real life hits, and stuff doesn't go the way the picture in my mind was supposed to go.
• 10:07
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:07
  Ellen: And I have a choice.
• 10:08
  Ellen: Can I be frustrated, or do I just need to redo my plan?
• 10:13
  Cheryl: But see, that's thinking about it.
• 10:14
  Cheryl: Let's just look at it.
• 10:15
  Cheryl: We've got the bag, the wrong
• 10:17
  Ellen: bag.
• 10:17
  Ellen: Just, yeah, the
• 10:18
  Cheryl: emotions of it.
• 10:19
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:19
  Cheryl: Those high expectations.
• 10:22
  Cheryl: And then I'm going, I'm such a failure.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: And then why can't I handle this?
• 10:26
  Cheryl: Everybody else seems to be able to handle it.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: What is wrong?
• 10:30
  Cheryl: And I've got unrealistic expectations.
• 10:32
  Cheryl: And y'all, I'll tell you being so many decades of being a single widowed mother with my five children and taking them all to adulthood.
• 10:43
  Cheryl: Comparing myself to what everybody else was doing.
• 10:47
  Cheryl: Yeah, and thinking what is wrong with me that they can Make all the cookies do all the things take all their kids They go to every function that their kids and I just can't right what's wrong with me that I'm so limited Because I didn't have a realistic
• 11:05
  Ellen: picture.
• 11:05
  Ellen: And you were comparing.
• 11:06
  Ellen: I was comparing.
• 11:07
  Ellen: Because that is the number one killer, I think, is comparison.
• 11:10
  Ellen: Looking over at somebody else's life going, Wow, how come I can't do all that stuff?
• 11:14
  Ellen: Right.
• 11:14
  Christie: And we don't see what's happening behind the scenes.
• 11:17
  Christie: And there, that.
• 11:18
  Christie: mom's mind of, she's feeling the same way comparing to someone else's life.
• 11:23
  Christie: And, well, I remember
• 11:25
  Ellen: people would say, how do you, how do you do so much?
• 11:27
  Ellen: I go, Oh, it just looks like I do ask my kids.
• 11:31
  Christie: I'll tell you the real story.
• 11:32
  Christie: How many times they got yelled at today.
• 11:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:35
  Christie: Something is always giving somewhere.
• 11:38
  Christie: Yes.
• 11:39
  Christie: And then it may not look the same from house to house, but yeah, same here.
• 11:43
  Christie: Like I, I might be able to.
• 11:45
  Christie: Look like I'm killing it in five areas, but then I'm dropping the ball in about 25 for every five areas that I might be doing well in
• 11:53
  Ellen: my main advice to my adult children as they went into adult is do not do as much as I did, you know, you just kill yourself for nothing.
• 12:02
  Ellen: And they've all taken that advice.
• 12:04
  Ellen: And I'm really proud of them.
• 12:05
  Ellen: They don't I mean, I was in situations where I kind of had to, was a military wife and the different expectations that were there, you just kind of are stuck and, but, and we had a lifestyle of things we had to do in addition to what I added to myself.
• 12:19
  Ellen: Mm-Hmm.
• 12:20
  Cheryl: And I think this leads us to another, source Factors.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: I think so many things are tag team.
• 12:29
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:29
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 12:29
  Cheryl: with this high expectation and one is perfectionism.
• 12:32
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 12:33
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:33
  Cheryl: That we've just got some invisible.
• 12:36
  Cheryl: Or nowadays you just see it on social media.
• 12:39
  Cheryl: Here's the perfection standard of what I need to be doing.
• 12:43
  Cheryl: You know, that not that my children are clunking on the piano, but that we are doing concertos I mean, just this.
• 12:52
  Cheryl: Lie of doing things, whatever the perfect parent is,
• 12:56
  Ellen: right?
• 12:57
  Ellen: Which is individual, whatever you see that is, you know, and
• 13:01
  Christie: it's
• 13:01
  Cheryl: elusive.
• 13:02
  Cheryl: Yes, because I might be like you were talking about killing it really well doing a fabulous job, but that's not enough for perfectionism, right?
• 13:11
  Cheryl: Perfectionism is.
• 13:13
  Cheryl: Broad spread in every direction.
• 13:16
  Cheryl: Well, it's a phantom.
• 13:17
  Cheryl: It
• 13:17
  Ellen: is really a phantom.
• 13:18
  Ellen: And so you're constantly chasing the phantom.
• 13:21
  Ellen: And you never can catch it.
• 13:23
  Ellen: Because as soon as you get what you think is close, then you realize, oh, there's 20 more things I should be doing.
• 13:28
  Cheryl: Should, should, should, should, should, should.
• 13:30
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 13:31
  Cheryl: Yeah, but then real
• 13:32
  Ellen: life comes in and you have things like.
• 13:35
  Ellen: You didn't get enough sleep last night.
• 13:39
  Ellen: How do you perform when you're just exhausted and you need another two hours?
• 13:43
  Cheryl: We only know when you have a little tiny baby sleep deprivation.
• 13:48
  Cheryl: But I just keep using myself as a guinea pig.
• 13:52
  Cheryl: Self induced stress.
• 13:54
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:55
  Cheryl: My situation had stress, and it was a challenging period, but I can always stay up later and work harder.
• 14:03
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:03
  Cheryl: That was my problem.
• 14:04
  Cheryl: And so, there was a period in my life where I had a lot of really meaningful outlets and ministry, and I was doing this high level teaching, and had all five kids at home, and, and, and.
• 14:18
  Cheryl: And so.
• 14:20
  Cheryl: I was going to bed at two and three o'clock in the morning, and then I had to get up with everybody.
• 14:25
  Cheryl: And I was running myself ragged, and I just, the sleep deprivation was a real issue.
• 14:33
  Cheryl: So I think that, I know that was a source of my inability to deal with the stress, because I was so tired all the time.
• 14:40
  Christie: Yeah, I remember a season where I was, It was self induced sleep deprivation because it was the only time I could have alone, so I would stay up late reading or watching movies and all my kids were asleep.
• 14:55
  Christie: I could have my own thoughts and, you know, just have my own time.
• 14:59
  Christie: And I remember that season.
• 15:02
  Christie: Real life, the externals of real life were still happening, too.
• 15:05
  Christie: My kids were challenging, but, you know, one, one portion of that time my husband was unemployed.
• 15:11
  Christie: Well, then when he started working, he was working out of town all the time.
• 15:14
  Christie: I had extended family that had needs of me.
• 15:17
  Christie: And it was just an overwhelming season.
• 15:20
  Christie: Not even taking into account parenting.
• 15:23
  Christie: And so, just isolating myself, you know, because I didn't have time for friendships.
• 15:28
  Christie: Then I needed time for my own joy and enjoyment of some kind.
• 15:34
  Christie: I would stay up late, and then I was tired the next day.
• 15:37
  Christie: And so it's like the treatment became the curse, you know?
• 15:40
  Christie: No,
• 15:40
  Cheryl: that's a good point.
• 15:41
  Cheryl: And it's, what we're talking about is really a cycle.
• 15:44
  Cheryl: That's so many contributing factors that, The stress and the life challenges.
• 15:50
  Cheryl: Kept you up late, which led to, of course, the audience can't see my fingers going around in a circle, but then you were tired.
• 15:58
  Cheryl: So then you didn't handle this well, and it just comes.
• 16:01
  Cheryl: I'd even
• 16:02
  Ellen: do Mother's Day Out for many years.
• 16:04
  Ellen: Uh huh.
• 16:04
  Ellen: Some of the churches used to have those.
• 16:06
  Ellen: I don't know if they still do.
• 16:07
  Ellen: But I would, on my Mother's Day out, go back to the house and work.
• 16:11
  Ellen: Until a good friend of mine, who was a little bit older, the lady that was mentoring me goes, Ellen, that's not the purpose of the Mother's Day out.
• 16:19
  Ellen: Right.
• 16:19
  Ellen: And I was like, oh yeah, that's true.
• 16:21
  Ellen: Because I never feel like I just got stuff done when I I got home, I got it done faster, but it wasn't like I was rejuvenating, because that's the point of having some downtime.
• 16:32
  Christie: Well, that's the lie, too, is that you're ever going to finish all the work.
• 16:37
  Christie: That's good.
• 16:37
  Christie: I mean, there's always going to be stuff to be done, and so it is better to take that time to refresh and recharge yourself, you
• 16:46
  Cheryl: know.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: And it's really on steroids when someone works outside the home, as well, because They
• 16:53
  Ellen: never get any time, because they still have to come home and do all the household
• 16:57
  Cheryl: things.
• 16:57
  Cheryl: So then, I mean, I'm thinking So when am I supposed to get all this done?
• 17:02
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:03
  Ellen: We have people constantly in our home, so the home had to be maintained.
• 17:07
  Ellen: We had probably three nights a week where we had people at the house, and, uh, you know, plus our children and their friends.
• 17:14
  Christie: You
• 17:14
  Cheryl: know, while we're talking like this, inside of me, I am feeling the stress because I'm remembering the cyclical nature of it, that, oh, we need to be entertaining, so the house has to be clean, so we have to, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 17:31
  Cheryl: Well, that means we have to buy food, just the pressure.
• 17:36
  Cheryl: That there is in life, but just these are some of the sources.
• 17:39
  Cheryl: These weren't entertaining.
• 17:40
  Ellen: And they feed off of you.
• 17:41
  Ellen: These were functional things that we were doing with groups
• 17:44
  Cheryl: of people.
• 17:44
  Christie: You know, you were talking, Ellen, I think it points not having enough support and asking for help often enough.
• 17:50
  Christie: Um, I know that I was guilty of that.
• 17:52
  Christie: I felt like I could do it better myself, or it was just that I needed to, like, being a mother, I should be a martyr and do it all.
• 18:01
  Christie: So I know for me a lot of the reason that I, I didn't have support was.
• 18:06
  Christie: Self inflicted.
• 18:07
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:08
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:08
  Christie: I mean, I didn't want to prioritize friendships or, you know, maybe I chose friendships that were convenient, not necessarily life giving.
• 18:17
  Christie: Wow.
• 18:18
  Christie: That is good.
• 18:19
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:19
  Christie: And I think I felt like I needed to do it all on my own because I knew how I wanted things done, so it was better for me to do it my way.
• 18:29
  Christie: And so I think there's a lot of reasons that we don't have support, but I do think the big source I'd feel like
• 18:33
  Ellen: a lesser person if I had to ask for help.
• 18:36
  Ellen: I'd feel like, well, what's wrong with me?
• 18:37
  Ellen: Why'd I have
• 18:38
  Cheryl: to ask for help?
• 18:38
  Cheryl: You know, I'm listening to this going, look at the lies we all swallow and take, but we act like it's truth.
• 18:46
  Cheryl: Because we can't be best buds with everybody and all this, but the same thing, that perfectionism or that elusive high expectations.
• 18:55
  Cheryl: Well, I shouldn't ask for support because I should be able to handle this all myself.
• 19:02
  Cheryl: And I can remember that feeling like I was talking earlier.
• 19:06
  Cheryl: Why would I ask for help?
• 19:08
  Cheryl: They're not getting help from anything.
• 19:10
  Cheryl: I mean, I really feel compassion.
• 19:13
  Cheryl: for the single parent because parenting is like a four person job and when you're the single you are just Right like where else are you going to assign it and I?
• 19:27
  Cheryl: Didn't ask for the help I should have I I felt like the lie I had Um, was I need to save up asking for when it's really, really important instead of saying could y'all come over and just help me and I just didn't turn to others until it was really necessary because I go they have too much on their plate and the truth is I devalued myself.
• 19:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:57
  Cheryl: It was a bad cycle going down.
• 19:59
  Cheryl: Uh, which leads into another source of stress is isolation because we aren't reaching out.
• 20:07
  Cheryl: We have this phantom of what I should have been, not having wise, loving people speak into it.
• 20:14
  Cheryl: So you just pull
• 20:16
  Ellen: back.
• 20:16
  Ellen: Well, and a lot of times your friends or your peers, and they're going through the same thing.
• 20:21
  Ellen: Right.
• 20:21
  Ellen: You know, they're struggling to keep their head above water, and get the things done that they need to get done.
• 20:26
  Ellen: So, you know, you barely have time you just see the shell of someone's life.
• 20:31
  Ellen: Oh, they look like they've got it all together.
• 20:32
  Ellen: But they're falling apart too, because when you really ask them, they'll say, oh, no, yeah, I'm not doing good.
• 20:37
  Ellen: Right.
• 20:38
  Ellen: But we don't want to ask, because we think, well, what's wrong with me?
• 20:42
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:43
  Cheryl: And isolation, mean, for one thing, you're tired.
• 20:47
  Cheryl: Well, I'm just not going to go to that group meeting.
• 20:50
  Cheryl: Or, hey, a couple of us are going to this.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: No, I have too much to do.
• 20:55
  Cheryl: Or, you talked about being a martyr.
• 20:57
  Cheryl: No, I need to take my children and do something for my children and something that way rather than do something that gives me pleasure because then I felt guilty because I'm taking from my children.
• 21:09
  Cheryl: I mean, it's, it just fed on itself.
• 21:11
  Cheryl: It's just a lie,
• 21:13
  Ellen: but we've all bought into it.
• 21:15
  Ellen: I don't know what the, the source of that is in terms of how we all got so messed up about being parents, but you know, it really is true.
• 21:23
  Christie: Well, part of the source could be.
• 21:25
  Christie: some shame, you know, feeling like we should be doing better or maybe we're, you know, comparing to what our expectations, going back to expectations, were of how we would be as parents or trying to do things just like our parents did or do things just like they didn't do or.
• 21:43
  Christie: And sometimes
• 21:44
  Ellen: being people of faith.
• 21:45
  Ellen: That adds a dimension to it, too.
• 21:47
  Ellen: It sure does.
• 21:47
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:48
  Ellen: You're like, well, I should be able to do all these things.
• 21:51
  Ellen: God will empower me to be Wonder Woman.
• 21:54
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:54
  Ellen: If
• 21:54
  Cheryl: I love God, I shouldn't feel
• 21:57
  Ellen: like this.
• 21:57
  Ellen: Right.
• 21:58
  Ellen: I shouldn't feel resentful or angry or frustrated.
• 22:01
  Christie: Or overwhelmed.
• 22:01
  Christie: Or I should feel this way.
• 22:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:02
  Christie: Overwhelmed.
• 22:03
  Christie: That it should be hard, and I should be willing to be a woman.
• 22:05
  Cheryl: Sacrifice.
• 22:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:07
  Cheryl: Well, that is a real added dimension, you know?
• 22:09
  Cheryl: And another thing for, uh, that I found myself Getting into when I'm worn down.
• 22:15
  Cheryl: That's the problem.
• 22:17
  Cheryl: This wears you down.
• 22:18
  Cheryl: So a little bit like a physical immune system That emotionally our immune system is down Yeah, so that sleep deprivation leads to this it leads to this and one of them is a lack of boundaries Get worn down and then Maybe some shame and lack of self respect and self care.
• 22:39
  Cheryl: And then I had a lack of boundaries.
• 22:41
  Cheryl: Oh, sure, I'll do that.
• 22:42
  Cheryl: Or, oh, I need to, we should be taking them a meal.
• 22:45
  Cheryl: Or, my children, just invading and taking and taking Yeah.
• 22:49
  Cheryl: I didn't have boundaries with
• 22:50
  Christie: them.
• 22:52
  Christie: I think another layer that people should consider, and I wish I would have considered, is physical health.
• 22:58
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:58
  Christie: I, I realized at one point just recently.
• 23:01
  Christie: In the last five years or so that I was severely anemic and I did not know and I realized after the four IV treatments of iron, Oh, this is how I should have been feeling.
• 23:17
  Christie: But I, and then, you know, I had low vitamin D, low thyroid, I had all these things going on that I just hadn't taken the time to be attentive to because I thought, oh, I'm a mom of four young kids, I'm supposed to be tired, everyone's tired.
• 23:30
  Christie: And so checking in on those things can be important too, because you might have physical things going on that are contributing.
• 23:37
  Christie: And the language sounds the same as all the other moms, I don't think anything of
• 23:41
  Cheryl: it.
• 23:42
  Cheryl: You know, and it's like the frog in the water that, you know, you slowly heat it up to where it's a boiling point.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: You don't notice it.
• 23:53
  Cheryl: That's why we're kind of talking about all of these, trying to get it out here and say, all of these could be contributing factors.
• 24:01
  Cheryl: But what we were talking about, you running away where we started, it doesn't all begin all at once.
• 24:08
  Cheryl: It's slow and it's encroaching and just like health built, like for you, your health built on health, having those, um, infusions, then slowly building your vitamin D and it took a while but it slowly built up in a health way and it's the same thing as Different conflicting negative factors build on themselves and um, that's why we wanted to get this out here, to help parents begin to evaluate, you know, and there are a lot of other things we didn't bring in.
• 24:42
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:43
  Ellen: And I think a really hard thing is, so, when you're in the middle of it, you don't really want somebody to say you're doing too much.
• 24:50
  Ellen: Because you feel like you're supposed to do that.
• 24:52
  Ellen: And you feel like, well, you're a wimp.
• 24:54
  Ellen: Why are you thinking I'm doing too much?
• 24:56
  Ellen: I'm not necessarily, but, you know, you kind of like, it's hard to maybe receive.
• 25:01
  Christie: it feels like, well, what would you have me do?
• 25:04
  Christie: Give a child to the neighbor or, you know, but I had a moment right before, like in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I was feeling really overwhelmed and, and just, I love Christmas.
• 25:15
  Christie: I love all the things that go with it.
• 25:16
  Christie: But this particular season, I was just like kind of exhausted by the thought of it all.
• 25:22
  Christie: And I realized I don't have to do it.
• 25:26
  Christie: All in every area.
• 25:27
  Christie: I can do the tree and this box of decorations.
• 25:30
  Christie: I still decorated, you know, and so there's versions sometimes for certain seasons when you're Pregnant or just had a baby or you know in between jobs or you know, whatever it is that's really the stressor You can scale back in some of the other areas and kind of give it a good enough run Feel a little bit where you're satisfied and you enjoy it but not Go all out in
• 25:55
  Ellen: every area.
• 25:55
  Ellen: And you have to be willing when your adult kid says, Oh, you didn't make
• 26:00
  Christie: that?
• 26:00
  Christie: Right.
• 26:01
  Christie: Next year you can do that.
• 26:03
  Christie: Like, you're welcome to make it if you'd like to.
• 26:04
  Christie: Here's the recipe.
• 26:05
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 26:06
  Cheryl: Well, I'm so glad you brought in that because our time is gone.
• 26:09
  Cheryl: I love what the two of you are saying.
• 26:10
  Cheryl: How about, We come back next time and we begin to talk about different ideas and suggestions for what to do when you recognize you're in stress.
• 26:19
  Cheryl: parental burnout You want to do that?
• 26:22
  Cheryl: But let's leave with us that it's okay to say no.
• 26:26
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 26:26
  Cheryl: You know I would, like our audience to, Maybe continue thinking about what we've been talking about today.
• 26:34
  Cheryl: Look for sources parental burnout in your life, and then maybe take some breaks.
• 26:40
  Cheryl: And I will finish with this, because what you just talked about, here after all these years, you've begun to listen to, maybe I don't need to be doing everything.
• 26:51
  Cheryl: Even saying it to yourself.
• 26:53
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 26:54
  Cheryl: One of my mistakes, because Bill would say it, sweetheart, you're doing too much.
• 26:59
  Cheryl: Why do you have to do it all?
• 27:01
  Cheryl: And he was a voice of reason and balance and, um, wisdom.
• 27:08
  Cheryl: And I didn't always listen to him.
• 27:11
  Cheryl: So, you all listen to those good voices in your life.
• 27:15
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 27:16
  Cheryl: Okay, so be sure and listen next time, because we want to equip you better than just talk about what's the source of stress and burnout for parents.
• 27:27
  Cheryl: So, until we meet again, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it.
• 27:42
  Parental burnout, as we've discovered, is a nuanced family mosaic to deal with.
• 27:50
  I hope our exploration has equipped you with some valuable insights to recognize the diverse sources contributing to burnout in your parenting journey.
• 28:01
  Now, as you reflect on what we discussed, I encourage you to consider what small But intentional step, can you take to prioritize your well being amidst the ceaseless demands of parenthood?
• 28:20
  Remember, your reflection is important to help you process yourself towards greater health.
• 28:27
  Enjoy.
• 28:29
  I invite you to share your thoughts with us.
• 28:31
  Connect on social media or reach out through text or email at contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 28:38
  com.
• 28:40
  Oh, and before you go, be sure you're tuned in for more of these discussions at The Parenting Podcast by following us on your favorite podcasting app.
• 28:50
  In our next episode, we'll delve into practical suggestions and helpful solutions to navigate the challenges of parental burnout.
• 28:58
  Until then.
• 29:00
  Stay warm and continue fighting this good fight for your family and also for yourself.