Latest / Dots and Dreams / Episode 2: I Don't Fit In Anywhere, And Why That's a Superpower

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Episode 2: I Don't Fit In Anywhere, And Why That's a Superpower · Dots and Dreams

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Have you ever been surrounded by your closest friends and
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family in a place that
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you know better than anywhere in the world but felt like you
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were somehow in the
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SPEAKER_00: wrong place?
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Like you were falling down a deep rabbit hole of solitude even
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though everything
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SPEAKER_00: around you was familiar.
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It's like on one hand you're sitting there surrounded by
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comfort but on the inside
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you feel a bit like nothing makes sense and like you're not in
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your body somehow.
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And there's a pretty heavy piece of guilt that is sitting on
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your shoulders because
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SPEAKER_00: you know you should just be feeling great wherever you are.
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The first time I felt this way was when I moved back home to
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San Francisco after
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SPEAKER_00: spending two years abroad in France.
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SPEAKER_00: I was so happy to come back to everything I knew and loved.
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SPEAKER_00: Family, my friends, my mom's amazing food.
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SPEAKER_00: But when I got there, I felt completely out of place.
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SPEAKER_00: Almost like a piece of a puzzle that no longer fits perfectly.
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SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Dots and Dreams,
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a podcast about the real vulnerable and my
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sometimes-in-the-moment stories of life
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SPEAKER_00: transitions.
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I'm Jenny Sidorova and I've been an immigrant,
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marketer,
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mother,
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and serial reinventor.
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And today we're talking about belonging,
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or more specifically,
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not belonging.
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I've lived in many places,
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and every time I moved,
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that feeling of not belonging got stronger.
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SPEAKER_00: Every time someone asked me, where are you from?
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SPEAKER_00: I never knew what to say.
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SPEAKER_00: For the longest time, that question just haunted me.
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It took me over 20 moves and 15 years to figure out that this
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feeling of fitting
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SPEAKER_00: everywhere and nowhere wasn't something broken in me.
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SPEAKER_00: It was actually a superpower.
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So what I'm sharing with you today is the story of how I got
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there and what I wish
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someone shared with me when I was 20 and leaving my comfort
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zone for the very first
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SPEAKER_00: time.
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SPEAKER_00: It's August 2006.
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SPEAKER_00: I just got back from two years in France.
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My parents just moved to this beautiful home in the East Bay
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about six months
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SPEAKER_00: before I came back.
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My dad is in the kitchen making my favorite childhood breakfast
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which is herring
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SPEAKER_00: with potatoes and a little tomato salad.
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You have to be from Eastern Europe to appreciate it but take my
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word it's really good.
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SPEAKER_00: and he's cleaning the herring.
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SPEAKER_00: He made it from scratch.
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SPEAKER_00: Like he bought the fish.
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SPEAKER_00: He marinates it.
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We even had this like fish looking plate that he would always
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serve it on.
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SPEAKER_00: So there's really just all this kind of family vibe in the house.
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SPEAKER_00: We sit down to eat.
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I can't help but show up with the stink face that my parents
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were all too familiar
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SPEAKER_00: with during my adolescent years,
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SPEAKER_00: apparently,
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SPEAKER_00: so I'm told.
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SPEAKER_00: And my parents asked me, what's wrong?
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SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with you?
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SPEAKER_00: Aren't you happy to be home?
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SPEAKER_00: And that question just triggered me.
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SPEAKER_00: I literally just threw my plate at the table,
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SPEAKER_00: slouched back in my chair,
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SPEAKER_00: put my shoulders up and down,
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SPEAKER_00: and said,
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SPEAKER_00: My parents didn't know what was going on.
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SPEAKER_00: I didn't know what was going on.
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SPEAKER_00: Reverse culture shock was hitting me hard.
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SPEAKER_00: I was surrounded by deep comfort.
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SPEAKER_00: This is the summer I was going out with my friends.
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SPEAKER_00: catching up on all the things I missed and loved about San Francisco,
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SPEAKER_00: and yet I couldn't find my place.
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Sid and I have been super happy to be eating herring with
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potatoes with my parents,
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SPEAKER_00: but instead I was throwing my plate like a complete asshole.
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SPEAKER_00: I mean, when I think about this scene, I just feel so bad for my parents.
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SPEAKER_00: Every time my friends and I would go out, I'd
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SPEAKER_00: latch on to the first French person I could find.
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And there usually was at least one because it's San Francisco
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and it's a pretty
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SPEAKER_00: international vibe.
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SPEAKER_00: In my mind, I kind of associated belonging with Paris.
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So I applied to graduate school and my plan was to go there and
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stay forever.
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That feeling of being out of place and not fitting in somehow
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didn't really go away.
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SPEAKER_00: Post Restack Jenny
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SPEAKER_00: It's hard to admit that to yourself because in some ways,
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SPEAKER_00: it feels a bit like we're criticizing a place we love,
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SPEAKER_00: people we love,
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SPEAKER_00: a certain way of life.
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SPEAKER_00: That's What It
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SPEAKER_00: Everyone who loved me supported me in ways I would have never expected.
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SPEAKER_00: Most of those people I can count on the fingers of one hand,
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SPEAKER_00: but they are still in my life today.
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So the lesson here was to follow my dreams,
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follow my heart,
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and not be afraid to do so.
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SPEAKER_00: A pretty awesome lesson to learn at the age of 24, don't you think?
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SPEAKER_00: That was a really powerful thing to know at such a young age.
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I may have been following my dreams,
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but the journey to belonging would still be a long one.
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SPEAKER_00: Every single move,
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SPEAKER_00: every single big life change,
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SPEAKER_00: for the longest time,
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there'd always be this sort of re-questioning of everything
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deep down inside of me.
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SPEAKER_00: And in my 20s and 30s it was a lot about a search for something.
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SPEAKER_00: Something that I couldn't name back then.
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So I'm going to share one more moment that really struck
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throughout my life.
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It's 2012 and I'm 29 and at this point in my life I was living
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in New York with my boyfriend.
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He and I were living in Brooklyn and as a lot of people who
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meet in a place where
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SPEAKER_00: they're not from we wanted to share stories
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SPEAKER_00: St. Frans
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and he took me to the ocean side where you have big waves and
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he showed me the
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specific bench and he said this is where I used to hang out
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where I'd go surfing
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every summer as a kid as an adolescent even as a teenager and
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I'd often eat my
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sandwich on that bench over there and it was like no big deal
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he's just showing me
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SPEAKER_00: a bench but I started crying the same way I had
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SPEAKER_00: During the herring throwing scene with my parents,
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SPEAKER_00: same exact feeling,
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SPEAKER_00: same exact emotional rush,
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SPEAKER_00: same exact confusion.
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SPEAKER_00: I didn't know what was happening.
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SPEAKER_00: Max didn't know what was happening.
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SPEAKER_00: But there were tears.
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I would think about that bench many times in my life and it
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kind of became clear to
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me over time that in that moment what I was missing was that
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sense of geographical
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SPEAKER_00: belonging.
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SPEAKER_00: I wanted a bench.
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SPEAKER_00: I wanted to have a place that I could take him to and say,
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SPEAKER_00: hey,
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SPEAKER_00: this is where I ate my sandwich after I don't know what every summer.
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And I knew that I didn't have that because I didn't grow up in
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the country I was
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SPEAKER_00: born in and I would eventually not live in the country I grew up in
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That moment of not belonging came up in different shapes and
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forms in my life.
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And I always had this deep sense of being lost and this deep
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sense of wanting to
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have the answers to some very specific questions that I just
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couldn't name at the
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SPEAKER_00: time.
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Because when you're in the grind,
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you don't really stop to deal with these deep moments
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Things That Are A Part Of Us And Sometimes Are Preventing Us
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From Moving Forward I
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Certainly Felt Many Moments In My Life Like I Just Had To Run
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Out Of A Room Sit On
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My Bed And Cry And Looking Back I Know Why I Was Crying But In
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The Moment It Was
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Just Attributed To Oh This Must Be Anxiety Over An Exam Or Oh
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This Must Be A
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SPEAKER_00: Heartbreak Or Whatever
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But that bench moment really on one hand caught me off guard
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but on the other hand
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forced me to really start to think about what is happening here
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and how do I deal
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SPEAKER_00: with this?
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SPEAKER_00: How do I move forward?
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I'm just going to pause for a moment and tell you about an
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amazing book that I read
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SPEAKER_00: a few years ago called The Culture Map.
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SPEAKER_00: It's by Aaron Mayer, and it's a book that really struck me in my tracks.
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Even though it's more of a work-related book about how to deal
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with different
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SPEAKER_00: cultures in work environments,
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SPEAKER_00: it's actually a book that really resonated with me on a personal level.
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It kind of gave me a confidence in a time in my life where I
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didn't realize I needed it.
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It also helped me integrate into a new working environment when
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I started working
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SPEAKER_00: with the Norwegian culture and I didn't know anything about it.
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SPEAKER_00: This is not an ad,
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but I wanted to take a pause to share this with you because
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it's something that
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SPEAKER_00: really helped me along in my journey when it comes to belonging.
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Seeing not belonging as a superpower didn't even begin to
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happen for me until 2017.
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SPEAKER_00: This was my third time moving and living in Paris.
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SPEAKER_00: I moved to work with L'Oreal,
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and it was a certain dream come true that really took me 13
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years in the making.
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I fell in love with Paris the first time I lived there as you
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could have also
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guessed from the breakfast and herring throwing story and I
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moved back to San
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Francisco when I was 30 when Max and I broke up I had no
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intention to go back to
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France but after three years in San Francisco I couldn't help
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but wonder what if I
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SPEAKER_00: tried just one last time and so I did and I
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SPEAKER_00: Starek
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SPEAKER_00: Only this time I was 33.
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I spent the last three years living in my comfort zone with my
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family and friends
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SPEAKER_00: and it was not so easy to move this time as it was when I was 20 or 24.
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SPEAKER_00: But I knew I had to take the opportunity.
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SPEAKER_00: The first six months in Paris were one of the hardest in my life.
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It very much felt like starting over again in a place that I
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know and love,
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but nonetheless starting over and nonetheless still very much
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being a foreigner
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SPEAKER_00: despite speaking the language and knowing my way around.
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The job itself was big,
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and I had a lot of imposter syndrome coming into it.
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SPEAKER_00: I'd never had such a big responsibility as a director.
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SPEAKER_00: I've never worked with over 40 countries.
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SPEAKER_00: I had to travel a lot.
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I had to get people to trust me despite not knowing me and not
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really knowing why
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SPEAKER_00: the heck I was there.
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But it was around this time that I realized that my inability
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to feel connected to
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any one place or any one culture actually gave me a very rare
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superpower of easily
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connecting to other countries and other cultures and more
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importantly making others
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SPEAKER_00: feel comfortable with me.
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SPEAKER_00: The way I survived life at L'Oreal,
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SPEAKER_00: until I got comfortable that is,
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was literally by leaning on this superpower or this thing that
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actually haunted me
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SPEAKER_00: for years prior.
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I traveled to meet a lot of my counterparts and colleagues and
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I volunteered to do that
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SPEAKER_00: Some trips were enforced,
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but I intuitively knew that I needed to meet people in person
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in their environment.
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SPEAKER_00: I'd immerse myself in a certain way of being,
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SPEAKER_00: a certain demeanor that resonated with each person I had in front of me.
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In Spain,
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I'd go for late night dinners and really prioritize personal
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connections.
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In Brazil,
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I'd show up with flexibility,
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and I'm not a very flexible person.
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SPEAKER_00: I'd be really open with my communication.
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SPEAKER_00: Most importantly,
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SPEAKER_00: This was all really intuitive.
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SPEAKER_00: It just came naturally to me.
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SPEAKER_00: I didn't sit there and strategize this out in my head.
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SPEAKER_00: I didn't tell myself, Jenny, you have to go there.
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SPEAKER_00: You have to see these people in person.
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SPEAKER_00: It's like my body and my mind just knew exactly what I needed to do.
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SPEAKER_00: I was not in any way aware of myself doing it.
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SPEAKER_00: I just knew that I needed to do that to succeed,
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SPEAKER_00: survive,
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SPEAKER_00: feel comfortable,
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SPEAKER_00: and have people on my side.
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SPEAKER_00: So I kind of got to a point where I was 34,
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14 years after moving to France for the first time and finally
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I felt confident
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about my past and finally I saw my lack of belonging as a major
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strength because it
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literally gave me what I needed during such a difficult moment
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in my life.
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This high that I felt during my time at L'Oreal,
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it was really important.
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It helped me survive and integrate into a really difficult work
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experience.
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SPEAKER_00: I kind of finally started to have a sense of who I was,
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SPEAKER_00: but it was all very tied to the Jenny in a work environment.
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SPEAKER_00: Professionally, seeing it as a strength didn't mean I felt it personally.
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SPEAKER_00: It didn't mean that I felt it deep inside within me.
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SPEAKER_00: That shift didn't happen until my daughter Lena was born in 2020.
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SPEAKER_00: It took motherhood for the superpower to take shape over me.
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SPEAKER_00: My daughter Lana was born in October of 2020.
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SPEAKER_00: I was living in Biarritz.
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SPEAKER_00: We bought a house just 15 minutes south in Saint-Jean-de-Luz and
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SPEAKER_00: During that time, something really shifted.
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I started having all these memories that I just hadn't thought
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about for years.
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SPEAKER_00: Dancing in Russian restaurants with my best friends from San Francisco,
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SPEAKER_00: driving around San Francisco with Tupac blasting in my Nissan Stanza.
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I used to turn up the heat and roll down the windows because
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that was really cool.
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SPEAKER_00: eating herring with potatoes with my parents on a Sunday morning.
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That scene was one of my favorite memories,
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just minus the plate throwing,
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of course.
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I just basically started to have all these Ukrainian immigrant
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kid in San Francisco
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SPEAKER_00: moments I'd buried deep,
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SPEAKER_00: deep,
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SPEAKER_00: deeply inside.
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SPEAKER_00: I didn't even necessarily bury them.
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SPEAKER_00: I just was busy living my life and not thinking about these things.
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SPEAKER_00: Dots and Dreams
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but the thing is is we don't often see ourselves as what we are
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I never saw myself
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as a third generation immigrant kid I never really looked at
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myself from that angle
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SPEAKER_00: and I realized when I had Lena and all these memories came flooding back
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That I do have a bench And my bench is in San Francisco My
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bench is in Kiev It's in
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Paris It's in New York It's also now in Basque Country I
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actually build a bench
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SPEAKER_00: anywhere I go And it's not going to be any one place for me
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I'm telling you my story with belonging because I think it will
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help you if you're
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going through a big monumental change that alters your identity
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in some ways and
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SPEAKER_00: brings up the questions you didn't even know you had buried deep inside.
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SPEAKER_00: And I hope that it might take you less than 15 years than it took me.
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It's interesting to think back and realize how in the midst of
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yet another move
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SPEAKER_00: COVID and really what was also postpartum,
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SPEAKER_00: I saw something so big and so clearly for the first time in my life.
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SPEAKER_00: I couldn't believe how simple the story suddenly was.
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SPEAKER_00: This clarity has really been my superpower in navigating motherhood,
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SPEAKER_00: marriage,
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and living the expat life in Basque Country where I honestly
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still don't really
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SPEAKER_00: feel like I belong,
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SPEAKER_00: but I've now learned to see it in a very different way.
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When I'm spiraling about our next move,
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for example,
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I picture Ocean Beach in San Francisco.
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Or when I'm really overwhelmed by motherhood I remember those
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Russian restaurant
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nights with my friends Or I think about all those bagel
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mornings in New York I have
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all these memories that I can now tap into that have become my
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zones of comfort and
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SPEAKER_00: my story being very clear
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SPEAKER_00: It's those experiences and the people that fill my cup.
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SPEAKER_00: Not any one place.
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SPEAKER_00: It's really all those memories.
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SPEAKER_00: Now here's the thing.
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SPEAKER_00: Lena is five.
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And that feeling has shifted a little bit again My family and I
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are currently
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exploring what's next We know that we're going to move at some
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point We don't know
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SPEAKER_00: if it will be in one,
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SPEAKER_00: two,
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or three years But we know that a move will happen And this
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time as a family of
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SPEAKER_00: four,
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SPEAKER_00: which can feel very overwhelming
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SPEAKER_00: So maybe not belonging as much as a superpower as it is,
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SPEAKER_00: maybe it also comes with this constant need for movement.
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SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
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SPEAKER_00: But what I do know is if you're living this right now,
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That grass is greener feeling The reverse culture shock The
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will I ever belong
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You're not doing it wrong This is the process And it might take
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20 moves Several
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dreams And 15 years before you see it As your superpower But
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you will get there
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Just as I did Be patient with yourself Find what fills your cup
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And tap into it
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SPEAKER_00: wherever you need
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SPEAKER_00: That's why making this episode was actually so therapeutic for me.
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Looking back and seeing how the dots connect around my journey
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is an important form
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SPEAKER_00: of therapy for me.
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Isn't it funny how we can never connect the dots looking
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forward or while we're
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SPEAKER_00: actually living the experience?
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SPEAKER_00: It's only looking back.
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If you want to see photos from the different periods of my life
22:08
that I talk about
22:10
make sure you're subscribed to the Dots and Dreams podcast
22:13
Substack I share them in
22:15
the newsletter that goes out with each episode You can even
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reply and share your
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SPEAKER_00: story with me Have you ever felt like you didn't belong?
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SPEAKER_00: I'd love to hear about it
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SPEAKER_00: Until next time!