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You Are Not Bad With Money · The Financial Feminism Podcast

0:16
You're not bad with money.
0:19
I want to begin here today because there's
0:21
a woman listening to this podcast who's been
0:23
carrying that sentence in reverse for years.
0:26
She's been saying, I'm bad with money.
0:30
I always mess things up.
0:32
I should know better by now.
0:34
I make too much money to still feel
0:36
this way.
0:38
I cannot believe I let that happen.
0:40
I will deal with that later.
0:43
Maybe she has debt she's ashamed of.
0:46
Maybe she's opening certain emails because she already
0:49
knows what they're going to say.
0:52
Maybe she earns a good salary, but she
0:55
still feels anxious every time she checks her
0:57
bank account.
0:59
Maybe she's never invested.
1:02
Maybe she started investing and stopped because she
1:05
didn't understand what she was looking at.
1:08
Maybe she signed something she didn't fully understand.
1:12
Maybe she stayed in a relationship longer than
1:15
she should have because she didn't believe she
1:18
could afford to leave.
1:20
Maybe she's helped everyone else financially and now
1:23
feels embarrassed because she hasn't built enough for
1:26
herself.
1:28
Maybe she made one poor decision 20 years
1:31
ago and it's been creeping up and has
1:34
been using it as evidence against herself ever
1:39
since.
1:40
Listen to me carefully.
1:42
A poor financial decision doesn't make you a
1:44
bad person.
1:46
A lack of financial knowledge doesn't make you
1:49
unintelligent.
1:51
Avoidance doesn't mean that you're incapable of changing.
1:55
And shame is not proof that you're irresponsible.
2:00
Sometimes shame is simply what grows in the
2:03
space where education should have been.
2:07
That is the conversation that I want us
2:10
to have today.
2:11
Not a conversation about pretending everything's fine.
2:14
Not a conversation about avoiding responsibility.
2:19
And not a conversation about blaming everyone else
2:23
for every decision we've ever made.
2:26
This is a conversation about telling the truth
2:29
without destroying ourselves in the process.
2:32
Because many women were given responsibility before we
2:36
were given information.
2:38
We were told to be careful.
2:40
We were told to save.
2:41
We were told not to spend too much.
2:45
We were told even to get a good
2:46
job.
2:47
We were told to marry well.
2:49
We were told to keep something put away
2:52
for a rainy day.
2:54
But for many of us, we were never
2:55
taught how money actually works.
2:58
We weren't taught how interest grows.
3:01
We weren't taught how credit decisions follow us.
3:05
We weren't taught how taxes affect our income.
3:09
And we were not taught how to negotiate.
3:12
We were definitely not taught how retirement accounts
3:15
work.
3:16
Here's the thing, there is a difference between
3:19
income and ownership.
3:21
But were we taught that?
3:23
We weren't taught how to read financial documents.
3:27
We weren't taught how to build business credit.
3:30
We weren't taught how insurance can protect wealth.
3:34
And we were not taught how assets grow.
3:38
We weren't even taught how wealth is transferred.
3:41
And we definitely were not taught how to
3:44
ask the right questions before signing our names.
3:48
And then somehow, after being handed only a
3:51
few pieces of the puzzle, we were expected
3:54
to complete the entire picture.
3:57
When we couldn't, we blamed ourselves.
4:00
And that's why I want you to remember
4:02
this sentence.
4:03
You are not bad with money.
4:06
You were trained without the rule book.
4:10
Let me explain what I mean by that.
4:12
Most women were taught how to earn.
4:15
We were taught how to work.
4:17
We were taught how to be dependable.
4:21
We were taught how to show up on
4:23
time.
4:24
We were taught how to take care of
4:25
people.
4:26
And we were taught how to stretch.
4:28
We were taught how to sacrifice and how
4:32
to make something out of almost nothing.
4:36
How to keep the lights on or food
4:40
on the table.
4:41
How to make sure everyone else was okay.
4:45
But earning money and understanding money are not
4:49
the same thing.
4:51
Working hard and building wealth are not the
4:55
same thing.
4:57
Paying bills and creating ownership are not the
5:01
same thing.
5:03
Being responsible and being financially powerful are not
5:08
the same thing.
5:10
And that distinction matters because you can be
5:13
incredibly responsible and still not understand investing.
5:18
You can be highly educated and still feel
5:21
intimidated by financial language.
5:23
You can manage a department.
5:26
You can lead a team.
5:28
You can care for patients and raise children.
5:31
You can even run a household and still
5:33
freeze when someone asks you about your retirement
5:37
plan.
5:37
You can earn six figures and still carry
5:41
money shame.
5:43
You can own a business and still avoid
5:46
looking at your profit margins.
5:49
You can have an advanced degree even and
5:52
still feel embarrassed asking someone to explain a
5:56
financial term.
5:58
That doesn't make you a contradiction.
6:02
It makes you a woman who mastered the
6:04
things she was taught and now confronting the
6:07
things that she was not.
6:09
And I know something about mastering what is
6:12
directly in front of you.
6:14
Work the shift, finish the assignment, lead the
6:18
team, handle the crisis, take care of the
6:22
family, solve the problem, and then move to
6:26
the next thing.
6:27
And many capable women live their entire lives
6:31
this way, right?
6:33
We become these experts at responding, but financial
6:38
ownership requires us to pause long enough to
6:42
examine.
6:44
Where's my money going?
6:47
What is growing?
6:50
What's draining me?
6:53
What am I building?
6:55
What do I own?
6:58
What am I signing?
7:00
What am I avoiding?
7:03
And what happens if this income disappears?
7:06
What am I leaving behind?
7:09
And those questions require something that many women
7:12
have rarely been given around money, permission to
7:18
slow down and learn without feeling stupid.
7:22
And that's where grace enters the conversation.
7:25
Grace isn't pretending you didn't make mistakes.
7:29
Grace isn't ignoring the numbers.
7:32
Grace isn't another word for denial.
7:35
Grace allows you to look directly at the
7:39
truth without using the truth as a weapon
7:42
against yourself.
7:44
And there's a difference between saying, I made
7:47
a decision that hurt me, and saying, I
7:50
ruined everything.
7:53
There's a difference between saying, I didn't understand
7:57
the loan, and saying, I'm stupid.
8:02
There's a difference between saying, I avoided my
8:05
finances for a long time, and saying, I
8:10
will never change.
8:11
There's a difference between accountability and condemnation.
8:17
See, accountability asks, what happened?
8:21
What did it cost?
8:23
What can I learn?
8:25
What do I do now?
8:28
And condemnation says, this is who you are.
8:33
You should be ashamed.
8:35
You don't look too closely.
8:38
Don't tell anyone.
8:40
There's no point in trying.
8:43
One creates movement.
8:45
The other creates hiding.
8:48
And hiding, ladies, it's expensive.
8:52
You know, money shame can cost you far
8:54
more than the original mistake.
8:56
It can keep you from negotiating your salary,
9:00
because you don't trust yourself.
9:02
It can keep you from opening a retirement
9:05
account, because you're afraid of choosing the wrong
9:08
one.
9:09
It can keep you from meeting with a
9:11
financial professional, because you don't want anyone to
9:14
see the truth.
9:16
It can keep you from leaving a bad
9:19
arrangement.
9:20
It can keep you from starting a business.
9:23
It can keep you from asking what you're
9:26
worth.
9:28
It can keep you from checking your credit
9:31
report.
9:32
It can keep you from opening the letter
9:35
or answering the phone.
9:38
And it can keep you from having an
9:40
honest conversation with your spouse, or your partner,
9:45
or your family, or yourself.
9:49
See, the original problem may be money, but
9:55
shame turns it into silence.
9:58
And silence gives the problem room to grow.
10:02
And that's why today is not about becoming
10:05
perfect with money.
10:07
It's about becoming honest enough to learn.
10:12
Now, the missing rule book cycle.
10:15
I want to talk to you about this
10:17
pattern.
10:18
It begins with limited financial education.
10:24
You're expected to make decisions, but nobody thoroughly
10:28
explains how those decisions work.
10:32
Then comes confusion, and you don't understand the
10:36
language.
10:37
You don't know what questions to ask.
10:40
You don't even know what you don't know.
10:45
And then you make a decision.
10:47
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
10:51
And sometimes it costs you more than you
10:54
expected.
10:55
Sometimes the consequences don't even show up until
10:59
years later.
11:00
And here comes the shame.
11:02
You think, hey, I should have known.
11:05
Everybody else seems to understand this.
11:08
I can't let anybody know.
11:10
And then comes the avoidance.
11:12
And you stop checking.
11:14
You stop asking, you stop reading, you stop
11:18
opening, and you stop trying.
11:21
See, avoidance creates more confusion, and then more
11:25
confusion creates less ownership.
11:28
And let me say this cycle plainly.
11:31
No education, confusion.
11:34
A costly decision, shame.
11:37
Avoidance, more confusion.
11:40
Less ownership, that cycle continues for years.
11:46
And sometimes it can continue for generations.
11:50
A mother feels ashamed of what she doesn't
11:52
know, so she doesn't discuss money with her
11:55
daughter.
11:56
And then the daughter grows up without the
11:59
information, and she makes her own mistakes.
12:02
And then here's what happens, she starts to
12:04
feel ashamed too.
12:06
Nobody's intentionally trying to keep the cycle alive,
12:09
but silence preserves what honesty couldn't interrupt.
12:14
And that's why financial feminism matters.
12:17
That's why financial conversations matter.
12:21
This is why women must be able to
12:24
say, I don't understand this yet.
12:27
Can you explain it without making me feel
12:29
small?
12:31
That word matters, yet.
12:34
I don't understand investing, yet.
12:38
I don't know how to read this statement,
12:40
yet.
12:42
I don't understand my benefits, yet.
12:45
I haven't learned how to negotiate, yet.
12:50
I don't have a financial plan, yet.
12:54
Yet leaves the door open.
12:57
Shame tries to close it.
12:59
This episode of the Financial Feminism Podcast is
13:02
presented by the Financial Feminism Community.
13:05
We're building a space where women can have
13:07
honest conversations about money, ownership, leadership, business, technology,
13:15
and the future without pretending they already know
13:18
everything.
13:20
This is not about performing success.
13:23
It's about learning, asking better questions, and making
13:27
stronger decisions together.
13:29
Our Thursday evening live conversations begin in August.
13:34
Visit ownthepurse.com to learn more about what
13:37
we're building.
13:41
I wanna talk to you about why money
13:43
shame can affect even women who appear to
13:46
be doing very well.
13:48
From the outside, people may see the career.
13:54
They may see the education.
13:56
They may even see the title or the
13:59
business or the house.
14:01
Maybe even the car or a leadership role.
14:04
And they may assume that financial confidence automatically
14:08
came with those things.
14:11
It did not.
14:13
And a woman can know how to succeed
14:16
professionally without knowing how to protect what she
14:19
earns.
14:20
She can know how to generate revenue without
14:23
knowing how to manage profitability.
14:26
She can know how to care for everything
14:28
else or everyone else without knowing how to
14:32
prepare for her own future.
14:34
And she can be the person everyone calls
14:36
in a crisis and still feel completely unprepared
14:41
for a financial emergency.
14:43
There's a particular kind of shame that comes
14:46
when your life looks successful but your finances
14:49
don't feel secure.
14:51
And you think, people expect me to know
14:54
better.
14:55
I'm too old to ask this question.
14:57
I have too many degrees to be confused
15:01
about this.
15:03
I earned too much to feel behind.
15:06
But money doesn't care how impressive your resume
15:09
is.
15:10
Financial knowledge is its own body of knowledge.
15:14
Nobody expects a brilliant attorney to perform surgery
15:18
without training.
15:20
And nobody expects a nurse to prepare corporate
15:22
tax returns simply because she's intelligent.
15:26
Nobody expects that teacher to understand estate planning
15:30
because she's educated.
15:32
But women often expect themselves to understand every
15:36
area of money without ever being formally taught.
15:40
And then we become frustrated when intelligence doesn't
15:43
automatically fill an education gap.
15:47
There's no shame in needing to learn something
15:50
outside of your field.
15:52
The problem is not that you need education.
15:56
The problem is that shame has convinced you
16:00
that needing education is evidence of failure.
16:05
And it's not.
16:07
Learning is not an admission that you're incapable.
16:11
Learning is how capable people expand.
16:15
And think about the first time that you
16:18
learned a difficult skill.
16:20
You didn't start out as an expert.
16:23
You asked questions.
16:26
You practiced.
16:27
You made mistakes.
16:29
You learned the language.
16:32
And you watched someone else.
16:34
Then you tried again.
16:37
Well, why should money be any different?
16:40
Why should you be expected to master something
16:43
that you have never been allowed to practice
16:46
openly?
16:47
This is one of the reasons that financial
16:50
feminism is not just about telling women to
16:53
save more money.
16:54
Most women have already heard that.
16:57
Save more is not a complete strategy.
17:02
Save how much?
17:04
For what purpose?
17:06
Where should it be kept?
17:08
What should happen after the emergency fund is
17:11
built?
17:12
How does inflation help it?
17:15
How does it affect it?
17:17
What should be invested?
17:20
What should remain accessible?
17:24
What if you're also paying debt?
17:28
What if your income changes every month?
17:33
What if you're supporting family members?
17:35
That's a good one.
17:37
What if you are rebuilding after a divorce?
17:42
What if you're starting late?
17:45
And what if you've never seen anyone in
17:48
your family invest?
17:51
A slogan can't answer those questions.
17:55
Women need context.
17:57
They need language.
17:58
They need practical steps.
18:01
They need a place to ask.
18:04
And they need to know that their questions
18:06
don't make them feel foolish.
18:10
I wanna give you another reframe.
18:14
Perhaps you weren't bad with money.
18:18
Perhaps you were making the best decisions you
18:22
knew how to make with the information, pressure,
18:28
responsibilities, and options you had at the time.
18:32
That does not mean every decision was wise.
18:37
It means the full story matters.
18:41
You know, there are women who took on
18:43
debt because they were trying to just survive.
18:47
Women who used credit cards to feed their
18:50
children.
18:51
Women who stayed in underpaid roles because the
18:55
health insurance covered their families.
18:57
Women who drained their retirement accounts during emergencies.
19:02
Women who co-signed because they were trying
19:04
to help somebody they loved.
19:06
And even women who didn't invest because every
19:09
extra dollar was already assigned.
19:12
Women who gave away more than they could
19:16
afford because they had been taught that saying
19:19
no was selfish.
19:21
Women who remain financially entangled with people because
19:25
they didn't understand the consequences.
19:29
The goal is not to romanticize those decisions.
19:32
The goal is to examine them honestly.
19:36
What did you know then?
19:39
What pressures were you under?
19:41
What belief was guiding you?
19:44
What would you do differently now?
19:47
And that's how wisdom develops, right?
19:50
Wisdom isn't, it's not ever making a mistake
19:54
or not making a mistake.
19:56
It's refusing to waste the lesson inside of
20:00
the mistake.
20:01
And you know, some women are so committed
20:04
to pushing their younger selves that they can't
20:08
help their present selves.
20:10
And they keep replaying the same moment.
20:14
I shouldn't have signed that.
20:16
I shouldn't have trusted them.
20:19
You know, I shouldn't have borrowed that money.
20:22
I shouldn't have quit that job.
20:24
I shouldn't have waited so long.
20:26
You know, perhaps you shouldn't have, but you
20:28
did.
20:30
And now what?
20:31
The question isn't cruel, it's liberating, right?
20:35
The question is now what?
20:37
What can be renegotiated?
20:39
What can be paid down?
20:42
What can be closed?
20:43
What can be open?
20:45
What can be automated?
20:46
What can be sold?
20:48
What can be learned?
20:49
What can be changed?
20:52
What can be protected?
20:55
What can you begin today?
20:59
Ownership begins when we stop arguing with what
21:03
has already happened and start deciding what happens
21:06
next.
21:08
There's a difference between shame and responsibility.
21:13
Now I need to make this distinction very
21:16
clear.
21:18
Financial feminism doesn't remove personal responsibility.
21:22
It just restores productive responsibility.
21:27
You see, shame says, hide the problem.
21:30
Responsibility says, measure the problem.
21:34
Shame says, hey, you're the problem.
21:38
And responsibility says, there's a problem and it
21:42
needs a plan.
21:44
And shame says, you should already know.
21:47
Responsibility says, find out what you need to
21:50
know.
21:52
And shame says, don't let anyone see.
21:55
But responsibility says, get qualified help.
21:59
And shame says, you failed.
22:02
And responsibility says, this decision has consequences but
22:06
the story is not finished.
22:10
See, there's power in separating your identity from
22:13
your behavior.
22:15
You may have overspent, but that doesn't mean
22:18
that you're reckless forever.
22:20
You might have ignored a financial problem, but
22:23
that doesn't mean that you're incapable of facing
22:26
it now.
22:28
You may have trusted the wrong person, but
22:30
it doesn't mean that you can never trust
22:32
your judgment again.
22:34
You might've even started late, but it doesn't
22:36
mean starting is pointless.
22:40
You can own the decision without turning the
22:43
decision into your identity.
22:46
Now, that sentence may be one of the
22:49
most important things that you hear today.
22:52
You can own the decision without turning the
22:56
decision into your identity.
23:00
Because once identity gets attached to the problem,
23:03
every solution feels like a threat.
23:06
And if you believe I'm bad with money,
23:08
then learning about money forces you to confront
23:12
who you think you are.
23:15
But when you say there are parts of
23:17
money that I have not learned yet, the
23:20
problem becomes teachable and teachable problems can be
23:24
solved.
23:25
I wanna give you three rules you can
23:28
begin using today.
23:30
Not 20, not 50, three.
23:35
Rule one, every number is information.
23:41
Your bank balance is information.
23:44
Your credit score is information.
23:48
Your debt total is information.
23:50
Your retirement balance, it's information.
23:55
Your monthly income, that's information.
23:59
Your spending history is information.
24:03
Information may be uncomfortable, but information is not
24:07
an insult.
24:09
The number is not calling you irresponsible.
24:14
The number is not calling you foolish.
24:17
The number is showing you where you are
24:21
and you cannot build a reliable route from
24:24
a location that you refuse to identify.
24:29
Imagine opening up a map and then refusing
24:32
to let it use your current location because
24:35
you're embarrassed about where you're standing.
24:38
The map can't help you.
24:40
And money works the same way.
24:42
Your current position is not your permanent destination,
24:46
but it must be acknowledged.
24:49
I know plenty of women who are terrified
24:52
to add up their debt.
24:53
They believe that not knowing the total somehow
24:57
protects them from the reality.
24:59
It doesn't.
25:01
The number already exists and knowing it gives
25:04
you the ability to make decisions.
25:07
Not knowing it allows fear to invent a
25:10
number that may be even worse.
25:12
So the first rule is simple.
25:15
Every number is information.
25:17
It's not an indictment.
25:20
Rule two, questions create ownership.
25:25
There's no prize for signing something that you
25:29
don't understand.
25:30
And there's no prize for nodding politely while
25:33
someone uses language that confuses you.
25:36
There's no prize for staying silent because you
25:39
don't wanna appear difficult.
25:41
Ask, what does this cost over the full
25:45
term?
25:46
Is this the fixed rate or variable?
25:51
What happens if I pay early?
25:53
What happens if I miss a payment?
25:56
What fees are included?
25:59
What's not included?
26:01
Who owns this account?
26:03
Who's the beneficiary?
26:06
When can I access the money?
26:08
What are the tax consequences?
26:12
What happens if this person dies?
26:16
What happens if we separate?
26:19
What happens if my income changes?
26:22
What alternatives are available?
26:26
Questions aren't evidence that you're unprepared.
26:31
Questions are how you prepare.
26:34
And women are often praised for being agreeable.
26:37
But agreement without understanding can become very expensive.
26:42
You're allowed to pause.
26:45
You're allowed to take the document home.
26:47
You're allowed to ask for another explanation.
26:51
You're allowed to speak with someone else.
26:54
And you're allowed to say, I don't understand
26:57
this well enough to sign today.
26:59
That's not weakness, that's ownership.
27:03
Rule three, competence comes after repetition.
27:08
Many women are waiting to feel confident before
27:11
they begin.
27:13
They wanna feel ready before they review the
27:16
numbers.
27:18
Ready before they invest.
27:20
And ready before they negotiate.
27:23
Ready before they ask for help.
27:26
But financial competence is rarely the starting point.
27:29
It's the result of repeated contact.
27:33
If you become more confident checking your accounts
27:37
because you check them regularly, that's normal.
27:41
If you become more confident discussing your salary
27:45
because you practice the conversation, that's what we're
27:48
looking for.
27:50
And you become more confident when you're investing
27:52
because you learn the basics and take measured
27:56
action.
27:57
You become more confident reading financial documents because
28:01
you stop avoiding them.
28:03
Confidence follows evidence.
28:06
And every time you face something you used
28:09
to avoid, you create evidence that you can
28:12
handle it.
28:14
And that's why the goal this week is
28:16
not to fix your entire financial life.
28:19
The goal is to interrupt avoidance.
28:23
One statement, one account, one question, one decision,
28:31
one honest conversation, and that's enough to begin.
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I wanna walk you through the resource that's
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connected to this episode.
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It's called the Money Shame Reset.
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You can download it after the episode, but
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I wanna guide you through the questions now.
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You'll find a quiet place when you can,
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and then use a real notebook if possible.
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Don't use an app.
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Give yourself enough time to answer honestly.
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And the first question is, what is the
29:02
first money message that you remember hearing?
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Maybe it was money doesn't grow on trees,
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or we can't afford that, or rich people
29:12
are greedy, or don't talk about money, or
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maybe it's men handle the finances, or a
29:18
good woman doesn't ask for too much, or
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I've even heard, you should be grateful for
29:24
whatever you receive, or business is too risky,
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investing is gambling, debt is normal, debt is
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shameful, people like us don't become wealthy.
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Whatever the message was, write it down.
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Don't judge it yet, just identify it.
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The second question is, what financial decision do
29:48
you still feel embarrassed about?
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And I want you to be specific.
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Don't write everything.
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Not, I'm bad with money.
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Name the decision.