Latest / Pathological Positivity / How to Be a Good Parent to Adult Children – Episode #682
Transcript
- This is Live On Purpose Radio, episode 682, how to be a good parent to adult children. Now is the only time to create and live the life you love. I'm doctor Paul Jenkins, the positivity psychologist. My job is to connect you to powerful positive psychology principles that immediately upgrade your relationships, business, and mental health. Are you ready? Let's jump in. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Live on Purpose Radio. This is doctor Paul, the shrink who expands your life with a special episode of Live on Purpose Radio. This is coming up a lot for me, maybe because of my phase of life. Parenting doesn't stop when your kids turn 18 or 21. It just changes. And in this episode, let's explore together what it means to be a good parent in this next phase of life, especially when our grown children are making choices that we don't control. Have you noticed? So we'll talk about detaching from the outcomes, how to practice curiosity over control, and embrace your most important job to love them no matter what and even if. So if you're navigating some tension in this area or you just wanna strengthen your connection with your adult kids, you are in the right place. So let's jump in. Your adult children are making their own choices now. Have you noticed that? Now maybe you've got younger kids, they're still at home, but you're going to get to a point where you'll work yourself out of a job. And what I mean by that... See, we don't control the other humans, with the exception of our own children, for a while. It's not a permanent arrangement. See, when our kids come to the planet, they are very helpless. My daughter took me with her to a a humanitarian project she was working on in Kenya. And as we were visiting Africa... You gotta go on a safari. Right? And so we're out on safari and we're watching the the most beautiful animals out there, and they hit the ground running. Many of these animals, as soon as they're born, they gather themselves up a little bit, get on their feet, and they start running. Why? Because they're going to be lunch if they don't. This is not true of human children because they're so helpless. And I look at my little grandbabies now, and when they're first born, they can't do anything for themselves. They can't even turn over. And so they require the adults in their life to take care of them. And that's why parenting is such an involved process for humans. And they stay vulnerable and they stay immature for a long time. The developmental process for humans is so different from, say, an antelope or a giraffe. But they have to have someone that's able to share control with them. I teach a model in all of the parent coaching that I do called the moral development model. And in that model, we learn how to share control based on the maturity of our kids. And this is a model that every parent needs to know. And I'll give you a way that you can connect to that in just a minute. But the short version is we have to control our kids and their lives when they're little. But as they grow, they take the control whether we want to share it with them or not. And if you haven't noticed this yet, pay attention. Your kids will reveal it to you as they start to take control over their own life. And at some point, they fire us as controllers in their life. So it's in our best interest to figure out how to share this control appropriately. Now, your peace doesn't depend on how your kids control their lives. Being a good parent at this stage, when our kids are adults, means detaching from the outcomes and focusing on the relationship. See, we get into this sense that we have to make sure that they whatever. Right? In fact, I asked this in a lot of the parenting seminars that I do. What's your job as a parent? And and I get this. Really good answers, by the way. Well, it's to make sure that they're safe. Okay. Yeah. Sounds good, doesn't it? To make sure that they do their chores, do their homework, to make sure that they become responsible citizens of the planet. These are all such great answers, but there's a problem because we don't control those outcomes, even making sure that they're safe. Kids get hurt all the time. Well, what's the matter? Is the parent neglectful? In some cases, that may be the case. But in the vast majority, no. It's a side effect of living on planet Earth. Welcome to the planet. That's how we roll here. So we can't make sure that they... Anything. Because of that, one of the best things we can do strategically as parents is to detach from the outcomes. I mean their outcomes. Whether they get the a, whether they land the job, whether they get accepted to that college, we don't control those outcomes. So detaching from the outcomes means that we're okay either way. Your peace doesn't depend on their performance. Now I... I've also taught many times that somebody has to be attached to the outcome. If it's you, it's not your child. We get to start this when they're little. When they're teenagers, practice detaching from the outcomes. This is one of the hardest things that I ask parents to do because we get pretty attached to their outcomes. And I'm not saying detach from the child, from the person, from the relationship. In fact, we're going to pour a lot of energy into that. But we detach from the outcomes. Now let's get to the next point. And this was captured best, I think, by Mel Robbins in her book, Let Them, which I recommend to all parents. As Mel Robbins teaches, one of the healthiest things that we can do is simply let them. Let them struggle. Let them learn. Let them grow. Instead of controlling, get curious. Ask questions. Listen. Show up as a calm, supportive presence. Rather than controlling, you know, if we if we get curious and show an interest in them, it puts us in a position where they may want to use us as a consultant. But notice that consultation is by by request or demand or invitation only. You can't just impose your opinions on other humans. It is never well received. And because we get lulled into this sense of, well, we do control our children, we we continue to do that when they're way past the maturity stage where that's even helpful. So we're going to shift. Now let me address a hidden issue here that you're going to recognize immediately. Part of my job is to eliminate the obvious, which is fun because I get paid to tell people things they already know. And you probably already know this. Children don't keep. And I was joking about this earlier when I said, you know, ask me how many children I have. The answer is zero. I have no children. There are four adults that I love dearly that Vicky and I raised in our home, but they're not kids. And I was visiting with one of our certified positivity practitioners that I'm training and mentoring, and and her daughter, who is four years old right now, is in her tenth month of intensive cancer treatment. And we were having a little chat about this as she said, you know, I really miss my vibrant, healthy, energetic three year old little girl. Curly headed, stout, athletic. And now her four year old... This this little girl had a birthday during, the cancer treatments. Her four year old is now underweight and bald and lacking energy and listless and irritable. And she misses her vibrant three year old. And this... It sounds insensitive sometimes to some people, but it's true. I lost four three year olds. I miss them. They were so cute and vibrant and healthy, and they no longer exist. My four three year olds all turned into four year olds. No. Not all of them do. I know some parents lose their children at an early age. They die. Now I call this to your attention because even if they don't die, you lose them. Your three year old becomes a four year old. You don't have a three year old anymore, and you will miss them. And your four year old. I lost four of those too. They all became five year olds, and not all of them do. But you lose every one of your children at some point in some way. Why are we having this conversation? I just want to open your eyes to a a truth here. Children don't keep, and we lose all of them. And sometimes as parents, we get so attached to hanging on to who our child was that we are unable to really sustain a relationship with who they are now. And this is particularly true of our adult children. Your children don't exist anymore. Once they become adults, they're gone. And I don't mean gone out of your life. I mean, gone out of childhood. They they no longer exist as children. And you would never interact with another adult human on this planet the way you try to interact with your children based on hanging on to this need to control, this attachment to the outcomes. And it damages relationships. I can give you story after story, example after example of how this is true, and you may have already seen this in your own family. So let's accept that our children no longer exist and be grateful for the time that we had instead of focusing on the loss because loss is inevitable. You will lose every one of your children. Can you handle that? Now as you engage with that, let's get back to your job. Your job is then not... Is not to make sure that they anything. That's where we go wrong. And especially with adults, that is annoying. That is off putting. They will fire you and run fast and far. And I see this so often. It's so tragic that relationships are destroyed because of parents trying to hang on to control. It's not your job to make sure that they... Anything. It's not to shape their life. Your job hasn't changed. It's to be a source of unconditional love. You love them no matter what and even if. That love offered freely without an agenda becomes the most powerful influence that you still have. And you do have influence, but you don't have control. In fact, I was thinking about Mel's title, Mel Robbins, in let them. You know, it implies that it's up to you. I remember one of the moms I was working with. Well, am I just supposed to let him fail? Meaning her son, who was failing school. And I'm like, what do you mean let him? Like, it's up to you? Like, you have something to say about it? You don't control that. So let them... That phrase is more for us as parents. It has nothing to do with whether we control the outcome or not. We don't. So let them is a way of letting go of our need to control things and switching that energy over to curiosity, the ability that you have to get to know another human on this planet. And this is not your child. This is an adult who used to be your child, but it's not your child now. That mental shift can make all the difference. You wonder why am I so passionate about this right now? Because that's my phase. That's where Vicky and I are right now. You see hundreds of of videos that I put out on YouTube about parenting. And we raised four kids, but we don't have any kids now. So now as we wrap our heads around, okay. What is this new phase of life and what does this look like? The relationships that you can share with your adult children can be so deeply rewarding, and it requires some personal development. Do you want some more tools for creating some peace, connection in your own family, in your own heart? Come on over to the Parenting Power Up. I I mentioned the control and maturity model, the moral development model that we teach in our parent coaching classes. I've put together a full course that's based on that model. It's called the Parenting Power Up, and I invite you to engage at that level. If you're ready to take your parenting to the next level, just go on over to Live On Purpose Radio. That's the name of the podcast. Liveonpurposeradio.com/parenting. And you'll see what we're having to offer there. I've thrown in some bonuses for the holidays and to just show my appreciation for you coming in. This is a model that all parents need to know, including those who don't have any kids anymore, like me. Did you get something that is useful today? I hope that you did. Share this episode with someone that you know would benefit. And tell them you're welcome as you share it because this is potentially lifesaving for a lot of folks and for some relationships. Alright. We've heard it. We've talked about it. It's time to go live on purpose. Did you get what you came for? Give yourself the gift of taking real action on what you realized today. Please share this episode with someone you know would value it, and leave us a rating too. It's time now to live on purpose.