Latest / The Parenting Podcast / What Your Teen Really Needs From You | Ep. 117

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What Your Teen Really Needs From You | Ep. 117 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Hey there, all you amazing parents.
• 0:09
  It's Cheryl Lang here and I'm absolutely thrilled to welcome you to the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:15
  Are you ready to dive into the rollercoaster ride of raising teenagers?
• 0:21
  I sure am, because despite all the hype, the teen years can actually be incredibly rewarding.
• 0:29
  Today, our team is delving into the essential need for hands on emotional support during those unpredictable teen years.
• 0:38
  And just like we nurtured our little ones with love and care, our teens now need us more than ever.
• 0:46
  Together let's learn how to create a safe space where your teen feels heard, seen, and supported as we guide them and ourselves through the ups and downs of adolescence.
• 1:02
  So grab your favorite beverage and join us now as we navigate the complexities of parenting teens with empathy.
• 1:10
  Patience, and a whole lot of love.
• 1:21
  Christie: Well, welcome back to the homeland, Cheryl.
• 1:27
  Christie: I'm sure it was a little underwhelming to come back home after being in such wonderful conditions.
• 1:34
  Cheryl: What our listeners don't know is I just got back from two weeks in New Zealand with my daughter.
• 1:40
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:41
  Cheryl: And it was amazing.
• 1:43
  Christie: Oh, I can
• 1:43
  Cheryl: only imagine.
• 1:44
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah.
• 1:45
  Cheryl: Okay, I should become like a.
• 1:47
  Cheryl: travel log person or something because I tell you I have always wanted to go to New Zealand.
• 1:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:55
  Cheryl: And now that I've gone, I can't even tell you.
• 1:58
  Cheryl: It is so wonderful.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: Now it's a long way over there.
• 2:03
  Cheryl: How long is the flight?
• 2:05
  Cheryl: We got a direct flight.
• 2:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:07
  Cheryl: And it was only 14 and a half hours.
• 2:09
  Cheryl: Oh, okay.
• 2:10
  Cheryl: So that was, that's pretty long now.
• 2:12
  Cheryl: That's long.
• 2:12
  Cheryl: Well, so it was long getting there, but oh, was it worth it.
• 2:18
  Carol: New Zealand
• 2:19
  Cheryl: kind of came up on the map, if you will, with Lord of the Rings, that trilogy.
• 2:25
  Cheryl: But that's how beautiful it is.
• 2:27
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 2:28
  Cheryl: When we drove, you have to be able to get a car.,.
• 2:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: Yeah, and you have to drive on the left hand side that's one caveat That would be hard.
• 2:36
  Cheryl: I don't do that.
• 2:38
  Cheryl: My daughter Jojo did it but it was just one pristine beautiful thing after another It was just delightful.
• 2:49
  Ellen: What were some of your favorite things, because you were there for two weeks.
• 2:52
  Ellen: Oh, my.
• 2:52
  Ellen: I'm sure you had a bunch, but Oh, it was wonderful.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: Okay, so they have lakes, and I'd seen the pictures.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: And so, the pictures online are gorgeous.
• 3:02
  Cheryl: And they said, well, it's this, I can't even tell you the word blue for it, but it's the bluest of blues.
• 3:11
  Cheryl: Like more than aqua blue, a sky blue, and it's because they are, um, glacier lakes.
• 3:19
  Cheryl: And so it has something called glacier dust in it.
• 3:22
  Cheryl: Glacier dust.
• 3:22
  Cheryl: And it is the bluest of blues.
• 3:24
  Cheryl: I don't, there's nothing in here that's blue enough to be as blue as it is.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: And I will say a memory for me is When we first drove up to it, now we'd seen the pictures, we'd heard about it, but the day we drove to Lake Tacapo, and we turned the corner and saw it.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: We just sat in the car with our jaws down because it's so beautiful.
• 3:46
  Cheryl: And it was like, they don't even allow waves.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: It was glass.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: Oh my goodness.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: Smooth.
• 3:52
  Cheryl: It's beautiful.
• 3:53
  Cheryl: And there weren't all these tourists or anything.
• 3:56
  Cheryl: Wow! And we just.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: I mean.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: You had it to yourself.
• 3:59
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 4:00
  Cheryl: Was the water cold?
• 4:01
  Cheryl: Uh, it was pretty cool.
• 4:02
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's ok.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: It was pretty cool.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: Cause this is their, um, uh.
• 4:05
  Cheryl: Um, fall.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:07
  Cheryl: So they're just beginning fall, which was nice.
• 4:10
  Cheryl: 'cause that took all the tourists away.
• 4:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:12
  Cheryl: So unfortunately we missed all the flowers flowering season, but it was stunning.
• 4:18
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: Um, we had so many experiences.
• 4:22
  Cheryl: So much fun.
• 4:23
  Cheryl: We happened to come across, um, a festival.
• 4:28
  Cheryl: in Christchurch, and we saw these, uh, tents for some kind of expo or something.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: And it turned out it was an all Polynesian festival.
• 4:38
  Cheryl: Oh, how fun! And so, we just went, wow! Yeah! So we gave up going to the gardens and spent hours there.
• 4:44
  Cheryl: Oh, how fun! It was wonderful.
• 4:46
  Cheryl: Neat surprise.
• 4:47
  Cheryl: It was, really.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: And so, There were, um, different high schools that had their choirs and they wore the traditional outfits and sang their beautiful songs and did dances.
• 5:01
  Cheryl: It was amazing and perk we didn't expect.
• 5:04
  Cheryl: To be among so many Polynesian people because Polynesia is a huge area and found it fascinating.
• 5:12
  Cheryl: Lovely people.
• 5:14
  Cheryl: Uh, did you see any hobbits?
• 5:18
  Cheryl: In fact, that's Hobbiton is on the North Island.
• 5:21
  Cheryl: I didn't know New Zealand's two islands.
• 5:24
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 5:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:25
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 5:26
  Cheryl: So, yes, it was a plus ten trip.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: And
• 5:30
  Christie: how sweet to get to do it with your
• 5:31
  Cheryl: daughter.
• 5:32
  Cheryl: That's, that was fantastic.
• 5:35
  Cheryl: You know, would have stayed in a Motel 6 with her, but we just had a blast.
• 5:40
  Cheryl: I'm so glad.
• 5:41
  Cheryl: But it was an immersive time where I didn't think about you all here.
• 5:44
  Cheryl: Oh well,
• 5:45
  Christie: no offense taken for that.
• 5:46
  Christie: Yes, you're fine.
• 5:46
  Christie: I understand.
• 5:48
  Ellen: But you did bring us back a souvenir.
• 5:49
  Ellen: Yeah,
• 5:50
  Christie: we were saying thank you for that.
• 5:52
  Carol: Yeah.
• 5:53
  Carol: Anyway, so there's my travel log on New Zealand Um, what do y'all want to talk about today?
• 5:59
  Carol: Well,
• 5:59
  Christie: you know, I, I'd sent you guys that article, but did you get a chance to read that?
• 6:03
  Christie: Yes, that was great.
• 6:04
  Christie: On, uh, teenternity is what the article was calling it.
• 6:09
  Cheryl: So talk about it, tell us, because teenternity kind of sounds like teens last for an eternity, but that's not what it meant.
• 6:15
  Cheryl: Oh yeah, but it does sound like it.
• 6:16
  Cheryl: feel like
• 6:16
  Christie: that.
• 6:17
  Christie: We have that.
• 6:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:18
  Christie: That's very appropriate too.
• 6:19
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:20
  Christie: So, you know, we know maternity or paternity leave and they're saying in this article, I think it was parents magazine that ran it, um, that more and more parents are now taking a teenternity in their children's teen years and take stepping away from their careers for a second.
• 6:37
  Christie: season to be more available to their kids in the teen years.
• 6:41
  Christie: And I thought, I can totally see that because teens do require a lot of attention in a different way, but but they do.
• 6:49
  Cheryl: When I read the article some literally stepped back from their job, others cut back on their job.
• 6:56
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:56
  Cheryl: Or started
• 6:57
  Christie: doing like virtual hybrid kind of things.
• 7:00
  Carol: Yeah.
• 7:00
  Carol: Which is an interesting idea, and if, if you're a full time working parent, go find the article, yeah, teen eternity and read it if you're interested.
• 7:09
  Carol: But I love what it's talking about is why those parents would do that.
• 7:15
  Carol: What is the nature of adolescence and being the parent of an adolescence that would instigate it?
• 7:22
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:22
  Christie: I mean, the teen years are.
• 7:23
  Christie: are different.
• 7:25
  Christie: They're, you know, I dreaded the teen years for so long, and it actually turned out to be my favorite season of parenting.
• 7:33
  Christie: Well, it does get a bad rap sometimes.
• 7:34
  Christie: Yeah, I dreaded it from, yeah, from all the, all the hype that was, oh, just wait until the teen years kind of, um, Because they are
• 7:42
  Ellen: challenging, because it's a different
• 7:44
  Christie: challenge.
• 7:44
  Christie: Right.
• 7:45
  Christie: But there's, there's, There's, um, delights that come from it, I
• 7:49
  Carol: think.
• 7:49
  Carol: Right, there sure is.
• 7:49
  Carol: It's an amazing season Okay, so let's start with that.
• 7:53
  Carol: This idea of teen ternity leave.
• 7:55
  Carol: Mm hmm.
• 7:55
  Carol: Um, and we're not doing discuss the work aspect of it, but just the concept.
• 8:01
  Carol: Right.
• 8:01
  Carol: Okay.
• 8:02
  Carol: Why do people take a paternity or maternity leave with newborns?
• 8:07
  Carol: So let's look at why you would take it with little ones and then let's see about why in adolescence.
• 8:13
  Carol: So why do people take leave when they have babies?
• 8:16
  Ellen: Well, because it's just all consuming.
• 8:18
  Ellen: You have this little creature who can't even feed themselves.
• 8:21
  Ellen: They can't get dressed, can't do anything.
• 8:23
  Ellen: So they have to have someone there.
• 8:25
  Ellen: Most of the time parents want to be there to see all the things their child's going to do, first steps and all that things that make those
• 8:34
  Christie: years exciting.
• 8:35
  Christie: Well, and in the very early part of the season, like you said, physical survival is, you know, dependent on your presence and somebody being there to care for this child's physical needs.
• 8:47
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:47
  Cheryl: And so that's why I think when it gets to the teen years, a lot of parents think, oh, they just don't need me anymore.
• 8:56
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:56
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:57
  Cheryl: And this article is so good pointing out the reasons our teens need their parents, at least as desperately.
• 9:06
  Cheryl: As newborns do, just not in the same way.
• 9:09
  Cheryl: So let's explore that.
• 9:10
  Cheryl: You know,
• 9:11
  Carol: babies
• 9:12
  Cheryl: need their parents everything you named, Ellen, you know, diapering and
• 9:17
  Carol: feeding and cuddling and all of that, it's hands on work, okay?
• 9:23
  Cheryl: And we know that, but what is it that our teens need?
• 9:26
  Cheryl: Well, it's the
• 9:27
  Ellen: same, it's the same idea.
• 9:29
  Ellen: They need hands on.
• 9:30
  Ellen: They don't need you to get them dressed.
• 9:31
  Ellen: They may need you to say, you can't wear that, but you know, they don't need that kind of thing, but they need the emotional support.
• 9:41
  Ellen: That only, um, a family can give, that the parents can give, because they're now navigating a whole new world, almost like newborns, in terms of they have a little bit of a foot in adulthood and a little foot in childhood, and a little bit in middle school, and high school, so that makes them a little
• 10:00
  Christie: crazy.
• 10:00
  Cheryl: Oh, that's so good
• 10:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:02
  Christie: You know?
• 10:03
  Christie: Well, and, and like a newborn being brought into the world from the womb, it's a little bit the same in the teen years, they're, they're birthing into adulthood and there's a huge amount of, um, Autonomy that they're walking into, but it's clumsy and slow and gradual getting there.
• 10:23
  Christie: And so they need a hand to hold.
• 10:24
  Christie: That's good.
• 10:25
  Cheryl: And really the parallels are quite a bit.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: Like you use the word clumsy and hand to hold.
• 10:31
  Cheryl: We do that with our little clumsy one year olds, but we need to be there to be available in a different way.
• 10:39
  Cheryl: We're
• 10:39
  Ellen: navigating.
• 10:39
  Ellen: Friendships for them are clumsy now as opposed to when they were elementary school kids and things were more natural.
• 10:46
  Ellen: Now there's all the different intellectual things they have to navigate that they didn't have to do
• 10:52
  Cheryl: before.
• 10:53
  Cheryl: And their bodies are clumsy.
• 10:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:55
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 10:55
  Cheryl: That's very true.
• 10:55
  Cheryl: The whole thing.
• 10:56
  Cheryl: Again, they go through a second toddlerhood if you would.
• 10:59
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 10:59
  Cheryl: Trying those arms and legs and feet and their noses are getting bigger and they've got Issues with their face and their bodies are changing and I'm sad because a lot of parents think they're not needed.
• 11:14
  Cheryl: And that's what I loved about this article is emphasizing how much our teens need us.
• 11:20
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:20
  Cheryl: But you
• 11:20
  Ellen: have to be incognito
• 11:23
  Christie: when you're being needed.
• 11:25
  Christie: You have to.
• 11:26
  Christie: And the time part of this is the availability.
• 11:29
  Christie: Yes.
• 11:30
  Christie: Because the needs are inconsistent on when they come.
• 11:33
  Christie: You may not know.
• 11:34
  Christie: It might be 10 a.
• 11:35
  Christie: m.
• 11:35
  Christie: It might be 10 p.
• 11:36
  Christie: m.
• 11:36
  Christie: You just don't know when you're going to be needed.
• 11:38
  Christie: It's closer to the p.
• 11:39
  Christie: m.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: usually.
• 11:40
  Cheryl: Usually, yes.
• 11:43
  Cheryl: Oh, put on that purple dress, wear that certain thing.
• 11:47
  Cheryl: The fact that they react strongly to that and don't want it, I think, makes parents think, Oh, they don't need me anymore.
• 11:56
  Cheryl: They don't need me.
• 11:56
  Cheryl: They can let themselves in the house.
• 11:58
  Cheryl: Or they can drive or they already have a part time job or whatever it is, they appear to be navigating the nuts and bolts of it in a way that a baby can't.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: And so the needs just not as obvious.
• 12:13
  Christie: And the thing is, parents may have mixed feelings about that.
• 12:18
  Christie: Like some parents may be celebrating, woohoo, I've got some freedom finally, they're self sufficient, but you may be grieving that.
• 12:25
  Christie: You may be grieving that they don't need you.
• 12:28
  Christie: And necessarily because they do still need you.
• 12:30
  Christie: It's just in different ways now.
• 12:33
  Carol: And, and so let's talk about that.
• 12:35
  Carol: Like, I liked what you said that time, time is intensive with babies.
• 12:41
  Carol: Okay.
• 12:42
  Carol: And when they don't need you, it's very clear they don't need you.
• 12:44
  Carol: I can remember when I had Rebecca, and we went back to graduate school, so we started out in Stillwater, and so Bill was going to class, studying, or working all the time.
• 12:57
  Carol: And, uh, so this was my first baby, so she's up, she's nursed, she's cleaned, she's diapered, and she's asleep at nine in the morning.
• 13:06
  Cheryl: Now what do I do?
• 13:07
  Cheryl: Now what do I do?
• 13:09
  Cheryl: The house is clean, she doesn't make any mess, you know.
• 13:12
  Cheryl: So, I was either on or off.
• 13:15
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:16
  Cheryl: And it was very clear.
• 13:17
  Cheryl: The parameters of how she needed me were very clear.
• 13:21
  Cheryl: And I think that's part of the problem, is how
• 13:24
  Carol: teens need us is not clear.
• 13:26
  Ellen: Right.
• 13:26
  Ellen: Because like, when you want to take a little quickie nap, that's when your teen needs you.
• 13:31
  Ellen: Or you've just gotten ready off the sofa to go to bed, and your teen plops down next to you, and they have a really heavy thing they want to talk about.
• 13:40
  Ellen: Right.
• 13:40
  Ellen: Right.
• 13:40
  Ellen: And, you know, so it's, it's, it's It's a lot of heavier stuff when they do need you then just okay, just go do this and this and
• 13:49
  Christie: you'll be fine, right?
• 13:51
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:51
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:51
  Christie: I don't know how many times I've thought I had my My day or evening planned.
• 13:57
  Christie: Yeah, and a kid comes in they got a text from a friend or you know a certain event has happened that they need to talk through and my Plans might need to change because of that, depending on the severity of the issue and how it affected my kid.
• 14:13
  Ellen: And right away.
• 14:14
  Ellen: It may be a slam door, leave me alone, but you know you need to be there because you need to make sure they're okay and they eventually come around and probably
• 14:23
  Cheryl: want to talk.
• 14:24
  Cheryl: Or they're hanging out and it takes them a while to bring it up.
• 14:29
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:29
  Cheryl: so what I'm saying, all of these examples.
• 14:32
  Cheryl: Is that availability?
• 14:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:34
  Cheryl: I think that's what was behind that article, is that the parents are realizing they just had to be more available for when the child.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: Wanted to talk.
• 14:45
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:45
  Cheryl: And when they needed him.
• 14:47
  Cheryl: And just being around matters.
• 14:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:51
  Christie: Yes.
• 14:52
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:52
  Christie: I think, you know, I came from Generation X, the latchkey kid.
• 14:57
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:57
  Christie: Generation and.
• 14:59
  Christie: I think a lot of times, and I've been guilty of this too, thinking, well, no news is good news with your teen, you know, that they're not complaining.
• 15:08
  Christie: They're fine being at home after school or whatever.
• 15:11
  Christie: They're not, they're not saying anything's wrong with that, but they may not even be able to articulate their needs.
• 15:16
  Christie: It's up to us to look at the situation and really see what needs might be there that they aren't aware of.
• 15:23
  Christie: Very good.
• 15:23
  Christie: In this phase of life.
• 15:24
  Christie: And
• 15:25
  Ellen: I always thought, since I never wanted to talk to my parents, I mean, that would be the last people I would want to talk to was my parents about anything.
• 15:33
  Ellen: They weren't very open and very critical, so why would I want to share?
• 15:37
  Ellen: I would share with friends and things like that.
• 15:39
  Ellen: So I was always surprised when my kids actually wanted to talk to me about stuff.
• 15:44
  Ellen: Oh, okay.
• 15:45
  Ellen: Right.
• 15:45
  Ellen: You know, so that was something very different.
• 15:47
  Cheryl: And same with me because my parents were the World War II generation and they were good and they were there, but there were just wasn't the engagement.
• 15:57
  Cheryl: And I talked to my kids saying, you know, we kind of raised ourselves on the collective ignorance of our peers, you know, because my parents love me.
• 16:06
  Cheryl: They were kind, but we just didn't have this dialogue and I never would have sat down and said.
• 16:12
  Cheryl: Let me tell you about what's going on with this boyfriend, or I would have died before I would have
• 16:17
  Ellen: opened up like that, or my friend just hurt my feelings.
• 16:20
  Ellen: Yeah, my teacher yelled at me or any of those
• 16:23
  Christie: simple things.
• 16:24
  Christie: But, well, I think that might be the reasoning for this, um, this trend coming to light now is that as a society over the last handful of years, we've really come into more awareness and attention to mental health issues, emotional health awareness.
• 16:41
  Christie: And that might be, like you said, different from past generations where we're being more mindful and aware of those needs just as much as physical needs.
• 16:50
  Christie: And
• 16:51
  Cheryl: what any good counselor or therapist, will tell you is that They don't come in with the answers in their hand.
• 16:59
  Cheryl: They come sitting, and listening, and being available.
• 17:04
  Cheryl: Developing a relationship where the layers begin to be peeled off.
• 17:11
  Cheryl: And one of the big things I've heard about them is saying they feel heard and seen.
• 17:18
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:18
  Cheryl: And so that's professional counseling.
• 17:20
  Cheryl: How much more are teens that they're
• 17:23
  Carol: heard and seen by their parents Right.
• 17:27
  Carol: Not fixed just
• 17:28
  Christie: my presence.
• 17:29
  Christie: My
• 17:29
  Ellen: kids would sometimes say to me I want to tell you something mom, but I don't want you to give me an answer You know or tell me what to do.
• 17:36
  Ellen: Yeah, so they were saying just listen and shut up and listen, you know So that was really hard.
• 17:40
  Ellen: Yeah, but you know, I did I'd listen and then maybe down the road maybe a week later I could redirect that It back to that and see if they needed something.
• 17:50
  Ellen: But yeah, for the most part, if they said they didn't want anything, they just wanted to tell you something.
• 17:54
  Ellen: Mm-Hmm.
• 17:55
  Ellen: talk to you about it.
• 17:56
  Ellen: They didn't want your advice or they didn't want you to solve it.
• 17:59
  Ellen: That's,
• 17:59
  Christie: I often say to my girls,'cause they usually just want me to listen, but I often say after a long download of emotion, I'm like.
• 18:07
  Christie: Do you want advice on this or do you just want me to listen and they'll tell me but I think that kind of speaks to one of the issues I can see coming from this teenternity if you don't fight for balance in that It could be that you might be tempted to over parent, too, because that's, that's a real danger or temptation of parenting in the teen years, too, is being too involved, trying to micromanage, getting your hands in where they don't need to be.
• 18:35
  Christie: And like we said, you know, we just need to be there.
• 18:38
  Christie: Good listeners be present and be available more than anything.
• 18:43
  Cheryl: Very good.
• 18:44
  Cheryl: I love it because one of the things when they're tiny, different from paternity and maternity leave, they need you very involved and controlling the situation.
• 18:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: And it's so different.
• 18:58
  Cheryl: You know, this is, you know, we've talked about it for kind of calling it the red zone, where our our lack of control needs to grow and grow and grow rather than increasing it.
• 19:09
  Cheryl: We have it very open handed, right?
• 19:12
  Ellen: Well, we've all had those mothers, or at least I've had the experience where I've had a mother of a teenager with along with my teenage come up and and want to inform me, not about my kids, but just sort of, they're kind of budding into what the kids are doing, you know, and they were like wanting me to say, yeah, you're right.
• 19:31
  Ellen: You know, where I'd be, well, you know, they'll figure it out, you know, and so there's always, you don't want to be that parents either, because that's what we're talking about.
• 19:40
  Ellen: That just feels like they has to be in it, involved in it, you know.
• 19:43
  Ellen: When they get into their teen years, you need
• 19:45
  Christie: an invitation.
• 19:48
  Cheryl: And I'm listening to this, thinking about that.
• 19:51
  Cheryl: That takes so much energy to be available.
• 19:56
  Cheryl: And not want to jump into it.
• 19:58
  Cheryl: You know, like the idea behind this, the parents that were doing this teen ternity leave, is being available, but not pushing yourself.
• 20:08
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 20:08
  Cheryl: These are great what are some more suggestions you would have for parents who are wanting to walk this well and whether they get off work or not, that's not the issue, but wanting to do well with their
• 20:20
  Carol: teens in this age?
• 20:23
  Christie: Yeah, I really like, Cheryl, how you've always used the phrase releasing years.
• 20:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:28
  Christie: And I, that's not something I hear in a lot of places.
• 20:31
  Christie: It's calling the teen years the releasing years.
• 20:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:34
  Christie: True.
• 20:34
  Christie: And it's been really, um, helpful to me to define the season as that.
• 20:40
  Christie: That this is active releasing, and it's in increasing amounts.
• 20:44
  Christie: And so I think one thing about these years is that if we can have that mindset of it's Everything I do with this child or this, this teen, I shouldn't say child anymore, is with the purpose of releasing them.
• 20:55
  Christie: So with this, you know, helping them navigate this friendship or helping them formulate a text to their boss or helping them, you know, decide what to wear to the job interview or all of those things are with the mindset of, I'm equipping them for when I'm not in their lives on a daily basis to do these.
• 21:13
  Cheryl: Wow, that's excellent.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: What a great context.
• 21:17
  Cheryl: You know, big picture context.
• 21:20
  Cheryl: How do I navigate this if my goal is to help them release well.
• 21:24
  Christie: Yes.
• 21:25
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:26
  Cheryl: And some
• 21:26
  Ellen: teens don't want any help.
• 21:29
  Ellen: You know, they don't.
• 21:30
  Ellen: They're just like, leave me alone, I'll figure it out.
• 21:32
  Ellen: Like you.
• 21:32
  Ellen: Yes.
• 21:33
  Ellen: Definitely.
• 21:34
  Ellen: I didn't want any help.
• 21:35
  Ellen: And then there's other teens, maybe they can be over dependent on help and you have to kind of encourage them.
• 21:40
  Ellen: Well, that's your decision.
• 21:41
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:41
  Ellen: You need to figure how you want to
• 21:43
  Christie: handle that.
• 21:44
  Christie: And you might have all of that under the same roof at the same time.
• 21:46
  Cheryl: And seeing Christy's context of releasing would help you make that decision.
• 21:54
  Cheryl: This child needs more help.
• 21:55
  Cheryl: This child.
• 21:56
  Cheryl: This child needs more help.
• 21:56
  Cheryl: needs a little push.
• 21:57
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:57
  Cheryl: And I'm gonna step back and not do it as much.
• 22:00
  Cheryl: Uh, another thing, I love this idea of listening well and being available.
• 22:06
  Cheryl: And so I heard recently, it was a secular study.
• 22:11
  Cheryl: And so this would apply to parents, whatever your values are or wherever you are spiritually, uh, because, you know, Everyone knows right now there's a huge movement of kids when they graduate that they are walking away from their parents values or their parents faith, whatever that is.
• 22:30
  Cheryl: And so, the study said it's almost amazing what they found, it was the number one factor where graduates and young adults did not walk away from values and faith of their parents.
• 22:44
  Cheryl: Guess what that was?
• 22:45
  Cheryl: What was it?
• 22:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:47
  Cheryl: It was having a home where asking questions was embraced.
• 22:52
  Cheryl: Oh, wow.
• 22:53
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:53
  Ellen: Yeah, that's a good point
• 22:54
  Cheryl: Isn't that amazing?
• 22:56
  Cheryl: So it wasn't how their parents lived out or whether they went to church or synagogue or taught their values.
• 23:03
  Cheryl: It was a freedom to have conversation and be safe to ask your questions.
• 23:10
  Cheryl: Isn't that fascinating?
• 23:11
  Christie: Rather than it being forced upon them, having the ability to come to the parent and dialogue about it.
• 23:18
  Christie: Or if
• 23:19
  Ellen: you don't uphold these values, you've excommunicated yourself, quote unquote, from the family.
• 23:24
  Ellen: Because I think It isn't abnormal for our children to kind of get out and go, I don't know if I want to do it this way.
• 23:32
  Ellen: It's absolutely normal.
• 23:33
  Ellen: I know that's, I mean, but for a lot of, parents, that's a really scary thing.
• 23:37
  Ellen: It's true.
• 23:37
  Ellen: Because that feels like rejection rather than, no, they're just trying to figure out how do they take this value and work it into the generation that they're in and
• 23:47
  Cheryl: what that looks like.
• 23:48
  Cheryl: And what do I believe for me?
• 23:49
  Christie: Right.
• 23:50
  Christie: Yes.
• 23:50
  Christie: And isn't that what we want?
• 23:51
  Christie: That they would own their belief system.
• 23:54
  Christie: Of course we want it to align with ours, but I wouldn't want my kids pretending or forcing themselves on something that wasn't truly their belief system.
• 24:02
  Christie: You need some individuality.
• 24:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:04
  Christie: You know.
• 24:05
  Christie: Well, you know, that makes me think, too, of another point of, Uh, this is the age that we start, hopefully we've always had mutual respect with our kids, but we start really wanting to get into their worlds even more and letting them have their own interests, their own style, their own thoughts and being intrigued by that.
• 24:25
  Christie: Not, you know.
• 24:26
  Christie: Oh, no, we need to be the same.
• 24:27
  Christie: Right.
• 24:27
  Christie: Yeah, yeah.
• 24:29
  Cheryl: Um.
• 24:31
  Cheryl: I would have loved the affirmation of this study that says encourage open dialogue, encourage, don't be afraid of it.
• 24:39
  Cheryl: In fact, questioning and talking about it and the children feeling safe to ask questions actually is a reinforcer of your values and belief system.
• 24:51
  Cheryl: And it might feel
• 24:52
  Ellen: like rejection.
• 24:54
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 24:54
  Ellen: But questioning and rejection are two different things.
• 24:57
  Ellen: Very good.
• 24:57
  Ellen: And as parents we just need to not be oversensitive because that's usually what happens.
• 25:02
  Ellen: It hits a nerve, oh, they don't believe what I, what I taught them or they're going a different way and that threatens us at a very deep level and we need to examine our own hearts and go, okay, you know.
• 25:15
  Ellen: And if even if it is that they need to have the freedom you'll be able to go check
• 25:19
  Christie: it out Yeah, so much of this season of parenting.
• 25:23
  Christie: I feel like For me, especially I see it, but I know it's true for other people is the individuality for our kids, but the individuality for us to that separation between us and our kids is going to start growing in the coming years.
• 25:38
  Christie: And it's hard to stomach.
• 25:40
  Christie: It feels very risky because We want them to think like we think and do what we do and yeah, but do we really is that really the healthiest way?
• 25:49
  Christie: Right for an adult to live.
• 25:50
  Christie: I didn't want to be my mom, right?
• 25:53
  Christie: And if you looked at your spouse and they were living exactly like their parents, you know, come on now
• 26:00
  Cheryl: Very good.
• 26:01
  Cheryl: Okay, we're out of time.
• 26:03
  Cheryl: What else would you bring to this?
• 26:04
  Cheryl: Is there something you would want to wrap up?
• 26:08
  Cheryl: To encourage parents with their Teens and how to develop that relationship.
• 26:15
  Cheryl: Well
• 26:15
  Ellen: I have one thing that I really feel like is a strong suggestion and somebody had given it to me and I thought it was really important.
• 26:22
  Ellen: Make sure you have your own things that you're doing so that your whole life isn't focused on every single thing that your teen does, that you're cultivating things in your life.
• 26:34
  Ellen: I'm not saying ignore them or anything, but they're starting to walk into their own domains And you need to start filling your life with good, positive things as you start to release them and kind of give up the active parenting years.
• 26:49
  Ellen: That's
• 26:49
  Christie: really good, Ellen.
• 26:50
  Christie: I wish I would have, I'm sure I heard it, but I wish I would have taken that advice much younger because that would have helped so much.
• 26:56
  Christie: And it would have helped.
• 26:57
  Christie: So.
• 26:57
  Christie: Prevent burnout, too, that we talked about before, because then when you're there, you're all there.
• 27:02
  Christie: You're not feeling exhausted because you've had your own fulfilling experiences,
• 27:07
  Cheryl: too.
• 27:08
  Cheryl: And one thing I would suggest is let the teachers know.
• 27:11
  Cheryl: The teen be the one who dictates the parameters of letting you in or letting you out so that they're the ones that are giving the cues and saying, I want you to come into this.
• 27:24
  Cheryl: I don't want you to do that.
• 27:26
  Cheryl: So that we are showing respect, which you mentioned earlier.
• 27:30
  Cheryl: And also just that's the releasing process that
• 27:33
  Ellen: you would do in friendship, Cheryl, you're working on friendship with.
• 27:38
  Ellen: your teen so that when they go in adulthood, you remain friends, right?
• 27:42
  Ellen: And just as you'll be respectful to your friends decisions, how they want to do something, you know, we have to be that same way, depending on the age of the teen, but you're going there in that direction.
• 27:54
  Ellen: And just learning to be respectful.
• 27:56
  Ellen: A
• 27:56
  Christie: real friend.
• 27:56
  Christie: Right.
• 27:57
  Christie: Which makes me think of the saying, you know, if you want'em to talk to you about the big things, you have to listen to the little things.
• 28:02
  Christie: Yes.
• 28:03
  Christie: And it might be Legos when they're seven.
• 28:05
  Christie: Yeah.
• 28:05
  Christie: It might be Taylor Swift lyrics when they're 14.
• 28:08
  Christie: But if you wanna get to the meaty stuff, you have to endure a lot of those long talks of things that are important to them.
• 28:14
  Christie: Mm-Hmm.
• 28:14
  Christie: even.
• 28:14
  Christie: Even if they aren't as fun for
• 28:16
  Ellen: you
• 28:17
  Cheryl: this is great.
• 28:19
  Cheryl: Thank y'all so much.
• 28:20
  Cheryl: It's good to be back.
• 28:22
  Cheryl: Y'all aren't quite as beautiful as lake tekapo, but we can't compete.
• 28:28
  Cheryl: It was fun.
• 28:29
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 28:30
  Cheryl: Thanks.
• 28:31
  Cheryl: And
• 28:31
  Carol: parents,
• 28:32
  Cheryl: we tell you, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 28:44
  As we come to the end of today's episode, I wanna extend a heartfelt thank you to all the amazing parents who joined us on the Parenting Podcast.
• 28:54
  Reflecting on today's insights, one thing stands out.
• 29:00
  The unpredictable yet crucial nature of teens needs.
• 29:06
  They might surface when we least expect it, requiring both our attention and our understanding.
• 29:12
  But remember, our team highlighted a vital takeaway, the importance of offering hands on emotional support.
• 29:22
  By nurturing a safe space where our teens feel valued and heard, we pave the way for deeper connections and mutual respect.
• 29:32
  Now, here's a thought to consider.
• 29:36
  How can you integrate more of that active listening into your daily interactions with your team and your community?
• 29:43
  Starting today, it's a small step that can yield profound results and strengthening your bond together.
• 29:52
  Join us next time as we delve into your questions from the mailbag and share further insights.
• 29:59
  Remember, TPP is always here for you.
• 30:03
  Reach out to us on our website, social media, or drop us an email at contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 30:10
  com.
• 30:11
  Keep spreading love and kindness, parents.
• 30:14
  Your efforts truly make a world of difference.
• 30:18
  So until next time, take care.