Latest / Marriage Life and More and Bible Study / Communication in Marriage - 4 Significant Conversations Pt 1 (Marriage Reset Series) - 259
Transcript
- 0:06Daniel Moore: either in passing or whatever, we've had couples come up and ask us our opinions on things, and usually our conversations a lot of times comes back around to communication, because that's where a lot of the problems are.
- 0:16Daniel Moore: Once we start digging into the issues, we start realizing real quick there's some communication problems here.
- 0:21Daniel Moore: That's going to have to be resolved.
- 0:23Daniel Moore: But more often than not we want to tell everybody.
- 0:25Daniel Moore: So we want to say, well, you just need to fix your communication issues and we just leave it at that.
- 0:30Daniel Moore: Well, the average person what are they going to think of when you tell them to fix their communication issues?
- 0:35Daniel Moore: They're going to think the way they talk to each other.
- 0:37Daniel Moore: That's probably the first thing that's going to pop into their mind.
- 0:40Daniel Moore: Yes, that's a big, huge part of it.
- 0:42Daniel Moore: But there's way more to communication than just talking.
- 0:48Daniel Moore: This week, on Marriage Life and More, we continue our series on marriage reset roommates to soulmates in your marriage.
- 0:55Daniel Moore: This week we're going to be talking about communication.
- 0:57Daniel Moore: We'll be back with that right after this.
- 0:59Daniel Moore: Thank you, welcome to Marriage Life and More.
- 1:36Daniel Moore: This is a podcast about marriage, bible and book studies, and we interview people that have stories.
- 1:41Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, your host.
- 1:42Daniel Moore: Over here next to me is my beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.
- 1:46Daniel Moore: Hey, hey, she's going to be here with us again this week.
- 1:48Daniel Moore: Thank you for joining us.
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- 2:21Daniel Moore: Well, this week, as we mentioned here in the intro, we are getting back into our Marriage Reset series.
- 2:26Daniel Moore: As we continue along with this, Hopefully something that we've discussed here over the last few weeks has resonated with you, Even if you're not really feeling like you're in that roommate situation.
- 2:36Daniel Moore: Sometimes, even in marriages, we still have issues here and there that we have to take care of, and maybe some of these topics that we cover in this series might help you with that.
- 2:47Daniel Moore: That's our prayer.
- 2:47Daniel Moore: So this week we're going to get right back into it, and this week we are in episode four of this extended series.
- 2:53Daniel Moore: Today's title is Communication in Marriage for Significant Conversations.
- 2:59Daniel Moore: While attending a marriage seminar in communication, Josh and his wife Brianna listened to the speaker declare it's essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
- 3:19Daniel Moore: Then, addressing the men, he asked Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?
- 3:32Michelle Moore: Well, Josh leaned over and touched Brianna's arm gently and whispered it's Pillsbury, all purpose, isn't it?
- 3:35Daniel Moore: That's so good.
- 3:35Daniel Moore: I mean, that is pretty funny.
- 3:37Daniel Moore: But you know, underneath the humor the speaker highlighted a critical issue.
- 3:41Daniel Moore: Partners need to understand what truly matters to one another, and that understanding only comes from genuine interaction.
- 3:54Daniel Moore: Despite this, many couples in so-called business-like marriages admit we barely talk to each other anymore.
- 3:57Daniel Moore: We barely talk anymore at all.
- 3:59Daniel Moore: Counselor Dr Amy Bellows breaks down the danger here.
- 4:04Daniel Moore: She says communication acts as the glue in a relationship.
- 4:09Daniel Moore: When it's missing, everything starts falling apart Without it a marriage becomes hollow and it loses its essence.
- 4:26Daniel Moore: So, as we start this week, what do you think about what she said there, with that comment about the conversation being the glue in our relationship?
- 4:30Daniel Moore: You know, and the experiences that we've had in our marriage and we've had, you know, lots of the conversation, the communication issues.
- 4:36Daniel Moore: We've talked about it before in some of our episodes, but with that comment that she made there, what's, what's your thoughts on that?
- 4:44Michelle Moore: I would agree 100%.
- 4:45Michelle Moore: I mean, I feel like if you have open communication and we talk about this all the time communication, communication, communication Because even if you don't communicate, you're not going to know your spouse at all, and it's a one-sided relationship.
- 5:04Michelle Moore: And so if you do communicate, you're going to know anything and at all, and it's a one-sided relationship.
- 5:06Michelle Moore: And so if you do communicate, you're going to know anything and everything about them, even though when they don't want to communicate, I mean, but they try.
- 5:12Michelle Moore: I mean I look at you and I think about how communication doesn't come easily for you, but yet you try so hard at it, because that's something that it's our marriage.
- 5:23Daniel Moore: Yeah, it's important, it's very important, and not only is communication in itself important, but there is certain ways to communicate.
- 5:33Michelle Moore: Absolutely.
- 5:34Daniel Moore: Because you can communicate between each other and it can come off totally wrong and it can upset.
- 5:39Daniel Moore: You know, one spouse can get upset at the other because they said something and took it the wrong way.
- 5:44Daniel Moore: Possibly, or you know, maybe they intentionally changed the tone of their voice, maybe they're being snarky on purpose or they're being sarcastic on purpose.
- 5:54Daniel Moore: And when you have those issues like that taking place, the communication, like it says it, can make or break a marriage.
- 6:01Michelle Moore: Absolutely.
- 6:02Daniel Moore: Because how you handle your conversations between each other, how you communicate, in the long run really determines where your marriage is going to go.
- 6:11Michelle Moore: Again it goes back.
- 6:12Michelle Moore: How do you communicate with the father?
- 6:13Daniel Moore: Yeah, I kind of look at it, it's almost like a steering wheel.
- 6:17Daniel Moore: Yeah, you know, if you had a steering wheel in your marriage, that would direct it one way or the other.
- 6:23Daniel Moore: I think a good thing to call that steering wheel would be communication.
- 6:28Michelle Moore: Yeah.
- 6:28Daniel Moore: Because you can communicate yourself right into a divorce, yeah, or you can communicate yourself into the best marriage that you could ever ask for yeah.
- 6:38Daniel Moore: That causes marriages to fail today.
- 6:42Daniel Moore: It's not really, probably necessarily, the sexual side, or, you know, being a good cook or a bad cook, or there.
- 6:53Daniel Moore: You know all these different scenarios you can put in there, it's probably communication.
- 6:55Daniel Moore: Yeah, Because if you have issues elsewhere in your marriage, that's the only way you can fix those other issues is by communicating and talking about those problems.
- 7:04Daniel Moore: And you know what do we do between each other to make sure that this all gets fixed.
- 7:08Michelle Moore: Well, and communication means face to face.
- 7:10Daniel Moore: Yes.
- 7:11Michelle Moore: You have to communicate.
- 7:13Michelle Moore: I mean I look at you and when I communicate, I know by your facial expressions, like, am I coming across right or am I not coming across right?
- 7:23Michelle Moore: You know that is something that's very important to a lot of people.
- 7:28Michelle Moore: I mean I feel like if you text, you know I mean I use our daughter, for example, you know.
- 7:33Michelle Moore: If I text something, you know and she's like well, is this kind of like, are you mad at me?
- 7:38Michelle Moore: Or you know, and it's like you know, it's face to face, you know, and it means so much to me that you would open up and talk about it.
- 7:46Daniel Moore: Yeah, and that is a big issue.
- 7:48Daniel Moore: These days, a lot of couples, and you know, in relationships, whether if they're marriages or if they're just dating, the courtship process, whatever it may be we have a tendency because we have these devices in our hands all the time we hide behind it.
- 8:00Daniel Moore: We hide behind those devices, especially when there's confrontation yeah, behind it.
- 8:04Daniel Moore: We hide behind those devices, especially when there's confrontation yeah, if there's a confrontation issue that's going on in a relationship.
- 8:10Daniel Moore: You know we don't like to argue face to face, we don't like to have that confrontation most generally, and so it's easier just to type it out and hit, send and cross your fingers.
- 8:18Michelle Moore: Well, you think about it.
- 8:19Michelle Moore: If you're texting, you have a million things going through your mind so you can type it and they're like oh no, backspace it.
- 8:27Michelle Moore: I type this, oh well, maybe not, and then it's like, ok, yeah, you know you can sit there and change it, but when you're in person, you speak from the heart.
- 8:36Michelle Moore: Yeah, that's really good and so you know you get caught.
- 8:40Michelle Moore: I mean, sometimes some people don't like to be caught off guard and really want to think and ponder things.
- 8:44Michelle Moore: But I think a lot of times whatever is in the heart speaks out.
- 8:49Michelle Moore: So it's like I like that face to face communication.
- 8:53Daniel Moore: I agree, and there was a joint today and survey monkey study that was done in 2017.
- 8:59Daniel Moore: And in that survey it actually backed this up, revealing that 70 percent of Americans believe that strong communication is the cornerstone of a marital happiness.
- 9:09Daniel Moore: So clearly people recognize its value, yet the struggle remains widespread.
- 9:16Daniel Moore: And something to keep in mind with that, today and SurveyMonkey are not by any means Christian organizations, so they weren't just looking at Christian couples here.
- 9:26Daniel Moore: If you read between the lines, they did the survey amongst all different kinds of couples, those that actually have God in their relationship and those that don't.
- 9:35Daniel Moore: But yet strongly, 70% of that whole group came to the same consensus that, regardless if God's in the mix or not, communication is a huge cornerstone of where that marriage is going to go.
- 9:47Daniel Moore: So at least even in the secular world out there, people are still admitting and seeing the importance of having this communication and a strong communication between each other.
- 9:57Daniel Moore: Insights from Focus on the Family marriage assessment.
- 10:00Daniel Moore: This will probably lean more towards the evangelical community, completed by over 800,000 participants.
- 10:06Daniel Moore: Now that one revealed that the lack of meaningful dialogue ranks as the third most common issue between couples, and so that's very, very high on that scale of why marriages are probably failing and why things are not being resolved, why issues continue to carry day by, day by day and they keep building up to become this huge monster, this big elephant in the room.
- 10:31Daniel Moore: And one thing we have to understand too when we come into this conversation and we're talking about communication, it's more than just talking.
- 10:40Daniel Moore: You know, it's a skill that needs to be sharpened.
- 10:43Daniel Moore: If it weren't so complex, it wouldn't rank among the top causes divorce.
- 10:45Daniel Moore: I mean it's a skill that needs to be sharpened.
- 10:45Daniel Moore: If it weren't so complex, it wouldn't rank among the top causes divorce.
- 10:48Daniel Moore: I mean, it's way up there.
- 10:49Daniel Moore: Part of the challenge is wrapped up in the word itself.
- 10:52Daniel Moore: You know one simple term communicate.
- 10:55Daniel Moore: That represents a wide range of relational exchanges that couples need to engage in regularly.
- 11:00Daniel Moore: And here's a good example of that, because the English language is one of the worst.
- 11:05Daniel Moore: I've always heard this as I went through history classes and just different things that I've came across in my lifetime as I've been reading different things.
- 11:13Daniel Moore: In all essence, the English language is very tough.
- 11:17Daniel Moore: If you ask anybody out from other countries that come in and try to learn English, they'll say that English is very difficult to learn Because a lot of our words have dual meanings, depending on how you say it.
- 11:31Michelle Moore: That is true.
- 11:32Daniel Moore: And so, yeah, it's always hard for them because they see an item and they are a thing or an emotion especially and they want to say what that is.
- 11:41Daniel Moore: But if you say it wrong, or in this, in the wrong context, it could mean something completely different.
- 11:46Daniel Moore: And here's a good example of that is the word run.
- 11:49Daniel Moore: You know that's a simple three letter word and it might sound strange, but linguists often point to this word as one of the most complicated in English, and the reason for that is the word run.
- 12:01Daniel Moore: It has over 645 different uses as a verb alone.
- 12:06Daniel Moore: That's crazy.
- 12:06Daniel Moore: That's according to the Oxford English Dictionary.
- 12:09Daniel Moore: It took one skilled researcher nine months just to list them all.
- 12:14Daniel Moore: Context gives the word run its meaning.
- 12:16Daniel Moore: Context, context, context.
- 12:18Daniel Moore: That's so important.
- 12:19Daniel Moore: I mean, think about it.
- 12:21Daniel Moore: You can run out of cereal, you can run late for a meeting.
- 12:25Daniel Moore: You can run interference for a friend.
- 12:27Daniel Moore: You might run your mouth.
- 12:29Daniel Moore: You know a lot of people are good at that.
- 12:30Daniel Moore: You can run away with an idea.
- 12:33Daniel Moore: You can run into an old acquaintance.
- 12:35Daniel Moore: I mean, each phrase uses the same word run, that one three-letter word, but the meaning depends entirely on the scenario.
- 12:44Daniel Moore: I never really thought that, however you put that word in there is going to determine where that conversation is going to go, and so that same goes for communication and relationships.
- 12:53Daniel Moore: When someone says we need to work on our communication, they could be referring to conflict resolution, active listening, emotional support, logistics, expressing affection.
- 13:03Daniel Moore: I mean, the key takeaway to this in relationships, clarity and communication depends greatly on context.
- 13:09Daniel Moore: That's why we talked about this in our Four Laws of Love series about tone, remember that episode we had on what tone you speak to your spouses or your mates.
- 13:22Daniel Moore: And so it is.
- 13:24Daniel Moore: It's all in context, because I can tell you something and affirm you with what I say, or I can twist that back around just a little bit different and say it in a different way, and I can destroy you in what I say.
- 13:37Daniel Moore: And that's why I think in the Bible, that scripture about the power of life is in our tongue.
- 13:42Daniel Moore: That's such an important scripture that we often overlook because we don't think about things before we say them and, you know, think of the consequences.
- 13:53Daniel Moore: And, like you said earlier, I mean you actually hit it right on the head with when you said we speak our heart, when we actually just have that face-to-face communication and we're not writing it on paper or like in a text or whatever, or even write it on paper, because even if you write it a note, you can still rewrite that note 20 times, you know.
- 14:13Daniel Moore: And so you can sit there and think all this through to try to formulate it the perfect way, and so what comes out in the end?
- 14:19Daniel Moore: Yeah, I mean it might have a little bit of a flicker of what you're trying to get across, but at the same time you've probably doctored it up a lot, yeah, and you tried to make it sound better than it really is, where, if you're just in the moment and you're just reacting in a conversation and talking, your true feelings are going to come out eventually, and so that's why it's so important to do this face to face.
- 14:39Daniel Moore: So there are many, many, many types of communications, just like we were just talking about.
- 14:47Daniel Moore: Michelle, why don't you share a list here of what all these communications are that we deal with every day?
- 14:51Michelle Moore: You talk about problems.
- 14:53Michelle Moore: You communicate about your daily schedules, you discuss your to-do list, you express frustrations.
- 15:00Michelle Moore: You talk through finances and budget matters.
- 15:04Michelle Moore: You chat about your day.
- 15:06Michelle Moore: You gossip about the latest rumors.
- 15:08Michelle Moore: You give your opinion, you express your emotions and feelings.
- 15:13Michelle Moore: You converse about your hopes and dreams.
- 15:16Michelle Moore: You discuss solutions and talk about how to fix problems.
- 15:20Michelle Moore: You lecture your children, you negotiate compromises.
- 15:24Michelle Moore: You profess truth, you make snarky comments, you verbally banter and you talk about sex in parentheses, baby.
- 15:35Michelle Moore: You give speeches, you reveal your fears.
- 15:41Daniel Moore: Isn't that crazy?
- 15:42Daniel Moore: It is.
- 15:42Daniel Moore: All of that can happen in one day, and that's not even all of them.
- 15:47Daniel Moore: There's other ways to communicate still, but when you think about that, it's no wonder that so many people just let their tongues fly off half the time and get themselves in trouble.
- 15:57Daniel Moore: You know, honestly, we walk around all the time probably as a ticking time bomb.
- 16:01Daniel Moore: At any moment we could explode and say stuff that could just totally change the trajectory of our life, you know, and that's, I think that's why this is so important.
- 16:09Daniel Moore: It's something that we have to be intentional.
- 16:12Daniel Moore: You can't just let this stuff with communication just let it take its course and whatever, what is what is?
- 16:21Daniel Moore: You know, I think we've got to be intentional with the way that we communicate.
- 16:23Daniel Moore: Even if it's not our spouses, you know, we have communications every day with just people in general and honestly, the way that we communicate with everybody really formulates our character and really formulates the person that we are.
- 16:36Daniel Moore: So if, if we're, you know, talking nicely to our spouses and whatever, that should carry over into our business, to our friendships, our family relationships, all those kinds of things, and vice versa, If we're talking great to our best friends and our family members.
- 16:51Daniel Moore: We're great with them, our coworkers, but then we come home and bite our wife's heads off or our husband's heads off.
- 16:57Daniel Moore: There's a problem there.
- 16:59Michelle Moore: Yeah.
- 16:59Daniel Moore: Something that needs to be corrected.
- 17:00Daniel Moore: There's an issue.
- 17:01Daniel Moore: We got to figure out what that issue is, and so you know talking more isn't the magic fix for relational issues.
- 17:09Daniel Moore: It's not a matter of just word salad.
- 17:11Daniel Moore: That's not what this comes down to.
- 17:13Daniel Moore: Communication takes many forms, and telling couples to simply improve it isn't helping unless we specify what that really means.
- 17:22Daniel Moore: It's not just about speaking often or even speaking better.
- 17:26Daniel Moore: It's about recognizing the different types of meaningful conversations that strengthen a relationship, understanding why each one matters and learning to approach those moments effectively.
- 17:38Daniel Moore: And this is somewhere that, as I've studied more and more on the subject of marriage and communication, I have seen that this is something that I think a lot of people don't think about, and this is where the industry fails a lot of times, because Michelle and I you know we've we've actually mentored several couples, just either in passing or whatever.
- 17:59Daniel Moore: We've had couples come up and ask us our opinions on things, and usually our conversations a lot of times comes back around to communication, because that's where a lot of the problems are.
- 18:08Daniel Moore: Once we start digging into the issues, we start realizing real quick there's some communication problems here that's going to have to be resolved, but more often than not, we want to tell everybody is we want to say, well, you just need to fix your communication issues and we just leave it at that.
- 18:25Daniel Moore: Well, the average person, what are they going to think of when you tell them to fix their communication issues?
- 18:28Daniel Moore: They're going to think the way they talk to each other.
- 18:30Daniel Moore: That's probably the first thing that's going to pop into their mind.
- 18:32Daniel Moore: Yes, that's a big, huge part of it, but there's way more to communication than just talking.
- 18:38Daniel Moore: You know it's.
- 18:39Daniel Moore: You can be fine with, you can be a linguistic scholar and have all these flowery words and just affirm somebody and talk them up or whatever.
- 18:47Daniel Moore: But then if you go over behind their back and do something conniving and something bad to cause that person to have something bad happen to them or whatever, that's another form of communication.
- 19:00Daniel Moore: You're communicating to that person then that I really don't care about you.
- 19:02Daniel Moore: Yeah, that's good, and it didn't even take a word to say that.
- 19:03Daniel Moore: Just by an action that you did, you're communicating to that person, then that I really don't care about you.
- 19:04Daniel Moore: Yeah that's good, and it didn't even take a word to say that.
- 19:06Daniel Moore: You just, by an action that you did, you communicated.
- 19:09Daniel Moore: And I think this is where a lot of times the industry fails people, because we tell them well, you just need to fix your communication, you fix that and come back next week and we'll talk about this again and we'll see what progress you've made.
- 19:21Daniel Moore: Well, the whole week they go home and they're trying to watch every word they say, but yet they're doing stuff in the background.
- 19:27Daniel Moore: You know, elsewhere, whatever that's causing issues in the marriage still has nothing to do with what they're saying and that's not explained correctly.
- 19:37Michelle Moore: I think a lot of times and this is just me and my personality and who I am but a lot of times I mean, I may not say something, I may be quiet, but I always go back to the point and again, this is.
- 19:54Michelle Moore: You know, sometimes my human flesh does take over, but you would admit, I kind of have a soft heart and I'm very compassionate for people and I have a very forgiving heart.
- 20:07Daniel Moore: Yeah.
- 20:07Michelle Moore: But I always go to think of, if I say something, a lot of times and you know, I just think is this the way I would talk to Jesus, you know, and a lot of times would my actions go that way?
- 20:18Michelle Moore: You know, and I, honestly, I think a lot of that.
- 20:23Michelle Moore: I've trained myself to think that a lot, you know, and I think sometimes when I've done something, immediately the Holy Spirit will check me like you shouldn't have been talking like that or you shouldn't have been saying that, whether it may be gossip or something you know, and it's like I'm so sorry I let the father down, you know, and so I try to relate.
- 20:44Michelle Moore: As communication is, would I talk to someone like I would talk to my father, that way?
- 20:50Daniel Moore: That's really good.
- 20:51Michelle Moore: And I honestly, there's sometimes when I get frustrated and I'm just like gosh, how frustrating can I be?
- 20:58Michelle Moore: To my father?
- 20:58Michelle Moore: And because I don't have an earthly father, I think a lot of my heavenly father.
- 21:03Michelle Moore: But I've gotten to where I'm more like that as time has went on, but literally I've had to pray.
- 21:11Michelle Moore: God, show me the way to communicate to you, to put it into my daily activities and my speech.
- 21:20Daniel Moore: Yeah, and what is the silent treatment?
- 21:23Daniel Moore: That's a form of communication, yep, and we see and we see that happen a lot in marriages.
- 21:29Daniel Moore: They'll get mad at each other, so they just give each other the silent treatment and then you're like well, your communication sucks.
- 21:35Daniel Moore: Well, we don't talk.
- 21:36Daniel Moore: How can we have a bad communication?
- 21:38Daniel Moore: We don't say nothing to each other.
- 21:39Daniel Moore: Exactly, you know you're communicating.
- 21:42Daniel Moore: Regardless of how you're doing it, you're still communicating, and that's why this whole big picture has to be repaired, and that's a good way to probably to check yourself, because we should always check ourselves back to the word and to God and having him in the middle of everything, and that, as we've talked many times on this podcast, our marriages are the reflection of the relationship we have with Christ, and so you're exactly right.
- 22:10Daniel Moore: If you're treating your spouse badly by things you say and the things that you do silent treatments, whatever it may be would you do that to Christ?
- 22:18Daniel Moore: What kind of a relationship would you expect to have as a Christian then, if you actually let that be your practice every day and how you lived?
- 22:26Michelle Moore: Well, if you think about it, you know, communication is like we talk about.
- 22:32Michelle Moore: It's one of the huge things in a marriage, you know, and we didn't have that, we did not have that, so it did not, you had the silent treatment down here.
- 22:43Michelle Moore: I mean communication came very hard for us, very hard for us, and I'm telling, and I'm saying this because if you have a communication issue, it takes time to get that, but if you pursue it with the help of Christ, you can do it.
- 23:02Michelle Moore: Dan and I are walking testimony of that and I look at how hard Dan has changed over the years, with God's help because communication was not his thing and for him to open up and say the things that he talks about daily now.
- 23:19Michelle Moore: I just know that God can help you with that and I mean, and I just I guess, because we have walked what we have, it's easier for me to see what my past was, for me to be able to be where I'm at today.
- 23:37Daniel Moore: Yeah.
- 23:38Michelle Moore: And you know, and I look at it I'm not thankful, but yet I am thankful because God has shown me a lot with that.
- 23:58Daniel Moore: So we have four different significant conversations that we want to talk about that you can apply into your marriage, and what we're going to try to do here.
- 24:05Daniel Moore: We're going to try to get through two of them today, and then next week we'll come back and we'll do the final two, and then next week also, we have something we're going to talk about called the 10-minute rule, and that's really cool also.
- 24:18Daniel Moore: So you definitely don't want to miss next week's episode either.
- 24:20Daniel Moore: But for this week, we're going to start off here by talking about a couple of types of significant conversations that we actually have on a regular basis between each other as spouses, and the first one is small talk.
- 24:35Daniel Moore: Won't you share that one with us?
- 24:37Michelle Moore: This kind of interaction falls under casual conversation.
- 24:40Michelle Moore: It's easy, surface-level exchanges that help you stay in touch with each other during the day.
- 24:43Michelle Moore: It's easy surface-level exchanges that help you stay in touch with each other during the day.
- 24:47Michelle Moore: It's like catching up with your partner over trivial topics or sharing light moments that don't carry emotional weight.
- 24:54Michelle Moore: For example, jamie called Brenda from his lunch break the other afternoon because he had a funny story to tell.
- 25:01Michelle Moore: Jamie was supposed to attend a workshop for the first-time pet owners at a local community center.
- 25:07Michelle Moore: He got to the correct building and walked into the room filled with people and dogs, which seemed right.
- 25:14Michelle Moore: He started introducing himself to everyone and petting some really cute pups.
- 25:19Michelle Moore: After about 10 minutes someone mentioned they were excited to adopt a greyhound Wait, what that's?
- 25:27Michelle Moore: When he realized he had accidentally walked into an adoption event instead of a pet training class, brenda and Jamie laughed hard over the phone and exchanged a few more words, then went on with their day.
- 25:40Michelle Moore: It was just a small interaction, quick but fun.
- 25:43Michelle Moore: On with their day.
- 25:47Michelle Moore: It was just a small interaction, quick but fun.
- 25:48Michelle Moore: Now it might be tempting to think these service-level talks don't matter much, and it's true.
- 25:51Michelle Moore: If all of your conversations stay this light, it might feel like your connection lacks depth.
- 25:56Michelle Moore: However, these brief exchanges serve a real purpose in your marriage.
- 26:02Michelle Moore: Sharing updates from your day or cracking a joke isn't about emotional death.
- 26:07Michelle Moore: It's about staying connected.
- 26:09Michelle Moore: No couple can or should live in a constant state of deep, vulnerable conversation.
- 26:16Michelle Moore: That would be exhausting.
- 26:18Michelle Moore: Try seeing light conversations differently.
- 26:22Michelle Moore: They're subtle ways of staying linked to each other.
- 26:25Michelle Moore: They're a type of connection attempt that you can either welcome or brush off.
- 26:30Michelle Moore: Back to Jamie and Brenda.
- 26:32Michelle Moore: When Jamie calls her while she's working, she sometimes keeps typing away as she listens.
- 26:38Michelle Moore: She gives automatic responses like yeah, hmm, without tuning in.
- 26:41Michelle Moore: She gives automatic responses like yeah, hmm, without tuning in.
- 26:43Michelle Moore: Occasionally, jamie tests her to check if she's paying attention and says something ridiculous like I started a side job as a snake charmer.
- 26:53Michelle Moore: She still replies that's great, that sounds fun, Until it hits her Wait, what?
- 27:00Michelle Moore: No-transcript?
- 27:29Daniel Moore: And so small talk is something that we can probably all recognize as we read through that All of us should have a level of that in our relationships.
- 27:38Daniel Moore: So when you start having problems and issues in your marriage and you start getting to the point where you don't really care to communicate with your partner, you will notice this is one of the things that drops off, because I know for myself whenever you and I were having our issues, there's a lot of times that we would make little efforts to try to carry on small talk here and there.
- 28:04Daniel Moore: But then sometimes I know for myself there sometimes I probably didn't communicate as much as I should have.
- 28:09Daniel Moore: It's why I clammed up and didn't really talk much, because I felt like even if the small talk carried on, it might eventually carry us into the issues that we have and we'd have to end up discussing that, and so I chose to just not talk at all and just completely skip it that, and so I chose to just not talk at all and just completely skip it.
- 28:27Daniel Moore: And so this is something that you should always watch for in your relationship, because if, if this small talk stops, and each day when you come home and you just have these little subtle.
- 28:38Daniel Moore: They're probably meaningless conversations for the most part.
- 28:40Daniel Moore: You know, just something crazy that happened today to me or whatever.
- 28:43Daniel Moore: In my opinion, when I look at these small talks, this is kind of like a friendship type thing.
- 28:48Daniel Moore: Yeah, because when you have friends, really close friends to you, then these are the kind of conversations that you have quite often.
- 28:57Daniel Moore: You just you can talk about anything and everything and get a laugh out of it and, you know, have a good time or whatever.
- 29:02Daniel Moore: And that's what this is all about, because even in our relationships as a marriage, we want to make sure that we keep this line of communication open.
- 29:11Daniel Moore: Where we may have something happen throughout the day, that really doesn't mean squat.
- 29:15Daniel Moore: I mean it just has no meat to it whatsoever.
- 29:20Daniel Moore: It's just something stupid.
- 29:21Daniel Moore: Maybe that happened or whatever, but the fact that you have someone that you care about enough that you can talk to them and share that with them, you both have a good laugh throughout it.
- 29:32Daniel Moore: You know, I think that means a lot.
- 29:34Daniel Moore: I do.
- 29:35Daniel Moore: And you know something that, when I think about this, something that pops into my mind that we had issue with, especially in our marriage, is for the longest time.
- 29:43Daniel Moore: You know you would tell me that you liked how I would smile, but I always did it with other people you could.
- 29:51Daniel Moore: You would wash around other people and I would laugh and carry on and joke or whatever.
- 29:54Daniel Moore: Then we'd get by ourselves.
- 29:55Daniel Moore: I had a tendency I did not do that.
- 29:57Daniel Moore: I looked more.
- 29:58Daniel Moore: I looked like I was unhappy and you called me out on that.
- 30:02Daniel Moore: Because during that time, when we were going through a lot of that stuff when I look back that was the case, you know, there was, it seems like, when I would have my conversations with my friends and that kind of thing, that those relationships were good.
- 30:15Daniel Moore: But because the relationship that you and I had between each other was damaged, like it was then, that created an issue with the fun conversations.
- 30:26Daniel Moore: We didn't have those and how did that make, how did that resonate with you when that was going on?
- 30:33Michelle Moore: Well, it just made me feel like you know, everybody else made you happy and you could be open and honest with everybody else and just crack up.
- 30:41Michelle Moore: And then, when it came to me, I couldn't even get you to do that, so it just it broke my heart inside, like it's just like it killed me, like slowly, but it just killed me.
- 30:52Daniel Moore: Yeah, and I wanted you to kind of mention that because you guys that are listening out there right now, if you're doing this to your spouse, and sometimes people do it without even realizing they're doing it.
- 31:04Daniel Moore: They do.
- 31:05Daniel Moore: But I really feel like if that's taking place, there's probably a reason.
- 31:10Daniel Moore: Yeah, because we're always very communicative to each other when we first start dating.
- 31:16Daniel Moore: I mean, we call each other at the drop of a hat, any little thing that happens.
- 31:20Daniel Moore: We call and have these stupid, ignorant conversations.
- 31:23Daniel Moore: You know, know, laugh over, meaning we laugh, laugh over.
- 31:26Daniel Moore: The dumbest thing sometimes.
- 31:27Daniel Moore: But then later on is after we get married, it seems like a lot of that stuff will drop off and that's something that we need to keep that fire stoked.
- 31:37Daniel Moore: We need to.
- 31:37Daniel Moore: We need to make sure that that stays there, because that's kind of the playful, childlike part, the innocent part of our relationship that was always so wonderful in the very beginning and you want to make sure that you continue to keep that.
- 31:53Daniel Moore: You know, michelle and I will communicate throughout the day a lot of times by email.
- 31:58Daniel Moore: She'll email me something and I'll email back and with my email that I have that I use, I have the capability of putting these emojis and stuff in there.
- 32:07Daniel Moore: So I put some really you know, deep, thoughtful emojis with some of my email responses and I'll.
- 32:16Daniel Moore: My phone will be like 11.
- 32:18Daniel Moore: And I'll blow that emoji up to about like a 24.
- 32:20Daniel Moore: And I'll send it back to her.
- 32:23Daniel Moore: She's over shaking her head at me right now, so I kind of she's communicating to me.
- 32:29Michelle Moore: Silently.
- 32:33Daniel Moore: But that's a fun part that I just love doing that, you know, because I'll find some sometimes they're, you know, like the heart or the kissy face emoji you know I'll send that over there.
- 32:43Daniel Moore: But then sometimes if she asks something and I just find this stupid, know, I'll send that over there.
- 32:45Daniel Moore: But then sometimes if she asks something and I just find this stupid emoji, I'll stick with it and I'll send it over there to her just to get a reaction out of her.
- 32:51Daniel Moore: But that's just subtle ways that you know, even during while we're at work.
- 32:56Michelle Moore: I know we also take pictures of ourselves at work and then we'll send them to each other and we're both laughing.
- 33:01Daniel Moore: It's like, okay, this is stupid.
- 33:04Michelle Moore: It's like but you know what?
- 33:06Michelle Moore: It's funny, but at the same time it's like okay, we can be silly, but we love each other, you know.
- 33:14Daniel Moore: And you never know, in a moment like that, your spouse may need it.
- 33:18Daniel Moore: Yeah, you know, unbeknownst to you, god may be pricking your mind and you know just you know, instigating you to do something like that because your spouse may be going through a bad moment at work on their side.
- 33:30Daniel Moore: You don't realize it, but yet you think, okay, I'll send this funny, stupid thing or whatever, and then it just breaks that monotony for them.
- 33:37Daniel Moore: You know it's, there's little things like that, that when we communicate between each other it's not for no reason.
- 33:43Daniel Moore: Things like that that when we communicate between each other it's not for no reason.
- 33:47Daniel Moore: If it may seem like it's something super small and meaningless, but in all reality, when it comes to relationships, even the smallest things can mean so much sometimes, and so the small talk is very important.
- 33:56Daniel Moore: You cannot let that slide out of your marriage and your relationships, because that's what keeps just that fluid communication going.
- 34:03Daniel Moore: That makes it that much easier when you have to have those deep talks, because when you're already on a level that you can communicate all the time regularly, it helps when those big deep talks come along, you can actually sit on and talk those through.
- 34:16Daniel Moore: Yeah, so the second one is we close today that we're going to talk about is called work talk.
- 34:22Daniel Moore: So this form of communication focuses on coordinating the practical side of life together All the logistics, the planning and decision making that go into running a household as a couple.
- 34:33Daniel Moore: So, as you can tell, it's not how to write an Excel sheet at work.
- 34:39Daniel Moore: We're not talking about that kind of work talk when you stop and think about how many moving parts there are in a typical day, and when you're looking at those moving parts, you're talking about kids' schedules, meals, bills, appointments, chores.
- 34:52Daniel Moore: It's no wonder that couples often feel overwhelmed.
- 34:55Daniel Moore: You know, these aren't deeper emotional conversations, they're just regular task management sessions that are necessary to keep things running smoothly.
- 35:01Daniel Moore: Regular task management sessions that are necessary to keep things running smoothly.
- 35:04Daniel Moore: Even when you think you've gotten everything organized, something unexpected always seems to pop up, and Michelle and I can we can, you know, verify that.
- 35:14Daniel Moore: It happens to us a lot.
- 35:15Daniel Moore: We'll have a plan, things will be going fine.
- 35:18Daniel Moore: Then all of a sudden something pops up the middle of that and just messes that whole thing up.
- 35:22Daniel Moore: We got to start over and try to reevaluate everything and put it all back together.
- 35:26Daniel Moore: You know, john Lennon said it well.
- 35:28Daniel Moore: Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.
- 35:32Daniel Moore: Because life is full of twists and turns, it's crucial to have consistent check-ins about your daily operations.
- 35:39Daniel Moore: Talk about what needs to be done, who's handling what Upcoming and surprise issues that need attention.
- 35:47Daniel Moore: From coordinating pickups to discussing finances and handling last-minute schedule changes all of it falls under what we call life logistics talk.
- 35:57Daniel Moore: Without these conversations, it's easy to fall into a pattern where each person handles things separately, more like co-managers than a connected couple, and that disconnection fuels the sense of simply being business partners or roommates.
- 36:12Daniel Moore: We're not suggesting you to sit down daily and run through every task or detail.
- 36:16Daniel Moore: That would be very exhausting and absolutely unrealistic.
- 36:20Daniel Moore: Probably in most situations, michelle and I couldn't even do that.
- 36:23Daniel Moore: Instead, work together to determine what areas need joint input and where things can be handled independently.
- 36:31Daniel Moore: Be adults about it.
- 36:33Daniel Moore: This prevents communication misses like oh, I forgot to tell you or I thought you were going to handle that.
- 36:44Daniel Moore: Communicating frequently about household and family management helps minimize these gaps and the frustration that follows.
- 36:48Daniel Moore: Of course, if all you ever talk about is errands and scheduling well, you're going to suck all the spark right out of your relationship.
- 36:55Daniel Moore: That's why these planning conversations should be one part of a much broader communication rhythm.
- 37:01Daniel Moore: Still, when life gets busier, these logistical talks become more important, not less.
- 37:07Daniel Moore: Without them, you risk stepping on each other's toes and missing key responsibilities, which creates tension and misunderstandings.
- 37:15Daniel Moore: Stay adaptable Life will keep changing and plans will keep shifting.
- 37:20Daniel Moore: The real win comes when you can deal with it all as a united front.
- 37:23Daniel Moore: Purposeful life logistics talk keeps you connected as you manage your home and responsibilities, functioning not as independent operators but as a team working side by side.
- 37:37Daniel Moore: This one speaks teamwork and every relationship, especially every marital relationship.
- 37:45Daniel Moore: You have to, unfortunately, deal with all of that bad stuff like bills, mortgages.
- 37:51Daniel Moore: You know, picking up the kids who's not going to you know they're going to go to daycare, I mean you have.
- 37:57Daniel Moore: You know the meal, the kids he's not going to.
- 37:57Daniel Moore: You know they're going to go to daycare.
- 37:58Daniel Moore: I mean you have.
- 37:58Daniel Moore: You know the meal planning.
- 38:00Daniel Moore: Just the financial side of you know, making sure the jobs you have you can make enough money to make your ends meet.
- 38:07Daniel Moore: There's just so much stuff that goes into that side of it and if it's not handled correctly, that can destroy a marriage.
- 38:14Daniel Moore: I mean, how many times, you know, do we even talk to people that it seems like you know, one person handles everything and the other one's completely out of the loop, and some people are okay with that but some people aren't.
- 38:26Daniel Moore: Some people want to be a part of the logistics side of the marriage and they want to feel like that.
- 38:31Daniel Moore: They're needed.
- 38:32Daniel Moore: And you know, for us, you know, if I completely take everything and never discuss any logistics with you about how we run the house here, what you know, where our bills are at, what needs paid, what doesn't need paid, just decisions around the house of things that need to be done or whatever, you know, if I completely just kept you out of that on purpose and just kept it to myself, how would that make you feel?
- 38:55Michelle Moore: One sided.
- 38:57Daniel Moore: Would you feel like you're important in the relationship?
- 38:59Michelle Moore: No, I mean some people are okay with that.
- 39:02Michelle Moore: I mean, honestly, you know some people are like, oh okay, you know, and it doesn't bother them.
- 39:07Michelle Moore: So I don't feel like you know, necessarily it could be one-sided, it's just they don't care, you know, they trust that partner to do everything.
- 39:16Michelle Moore: So I feel like that's a little bit different scenario than you know, than someone that just pretty much left you out of everything.
- 39:25Daniel Moore: And sometimes I wonder if that's fair to the other spouse, that the one spouse just lets them do that.
- 39:31Daniel Moore: I think that's a lot of pressure on one spouse and I think some people can probably handle that to an extent.
- 39:36Daniel Moore: But at the same time, if you're going to be married and you're going to try to have a relationship where you actually do things together and I think you'll find out that I know it might be somebody's personality to want to handle everything and have a spouse that's OK with that and it might be OK with some people's personalities too.
- 39:58Daniel Moore: If the other spouse handles it all, then they're fine with it.
- 40:01Daniel Moore: They don't want to be a part of it.
- 40:03Daniel Moore: But at the same time, I know for us, whenever we make these decisions together and we decide what's going to take place, how we're going to do it, where the finances are going to come from for that or how we're going to work their schedule around to make that work, I feel more accomplished when it's me and you.
- 40:22Daniel Moore: I think it makes us closer to each other.
- 40:25Daniel Moore: I value your input and you value mine from both sides of it, and I think that both of us when it's you know, at the end of the day after we've made these decisions and these choices, and especially when we get to the end of it, and if it's a successful outcome, you know, after we've discussed it, made the decision and the plan and put it into place, and then it's successful in the end.
- 40:48Daniel Moore: Now I feel more accomplished when that happens, knowing that we did it together.
- 40:52Daniel Moore: Yeah, you know, I can put trust in you, knowing that decisions you make are going to be good and vice versa.
- 40:58Daniel Moore: I don't know how you would ever find that out if both spouses never had the opportunity to speak their part into it.
- 41:05Daniel Moore: You know.
- 41:06Michelle Moore: I see what you're saying.
- 41:07Michelle Moore: I just, I mean I just know there's people out there and I mean I don't begrudge that or, you know, say there's anything wrong with it.
- 41:14Michelle Moore: I mean I see your point too, but I mean I just some people just don't really want to be involved in it.
- 41:20Michelle Moore: And if that spouse is okay, then you know, that, as long as they, you know, I always think on big purchases, though.
- 41:27Michelle Moore: Every you know, when you make a big purchase, buying a car or something like that, if you're that spouse that just lets your other spouse do whatever you need to have some kind of input in that.
- 41:40Michelle Moore: You guys need to be praying together, because it's not a little purchase, it's a big purchase and you need to make sure that you're both on the same level.
- 41:47Michelle Moore: I mean, I would definitely agree with that, you know.
- 41:50Daniel Moore: And it's a good way to cause problems, because if one person makes all those choices and something bad happens yeah, because if one person makes all those choices and something bad happens yeah, and especially if it happens more than once, then that gives the other spouse the opportunity to say well, what, that was a stupid decision.
- 42:05Daniel Moore: Why did you do that?
- 42:06Daniel Moore: You know, yeah.
- 42:06Daniel Moore: But then you got to come back.
- 42:07Daniel Moore: It was like well, you had no input, you know, do you have any right to say anything about this?
- 42:12Michelle Moore: Yeah.
- 42:12Michelle Moore: You know, I think that I think it's always important for big purchases.
- 42:18Michelle Moore: You know you, you need to sit together, talk about it, pray about it and see if that's something that you should be doing.
- 42:23Michelle Moore: I mean, how long did we look, we?
- 42:26Michelle Moore: We actually we prayed about, you know, purchasing a vehicle.
- 42:29Michelle Moore: You know, I mean, it was months and then finally it was to a situation that we had to get one and, you know, we just kept praying that the right one came along, because, you know, finances would only allow so much.
- 42:41Michelle Moore: And you know it, it got opened a door and I felt like, because we prayed together and we, you know, we felt a peace about it.
- 42:49Michelle Moore: You know, because, let me tell you, there's been multiple times Dan and I have made bad choices when it comes to our finances.
- 42:58Daniel Moore: And we've dug ourselves out of many, many holes.
- 43:01Michelle Moore: Yeah, and so now it's like, yeah, no, we need to step back and we need to pray about it and seek God's guidance in it, because we don't want to go back to those situations.
- 43:12Daniel Moore: Definitely.
- 43:12Michelle Moore: And you know and there's been times you know, just you know helping our children or something you know.
- 43:18Michelle Moore: You should be praying about that and you should be communicating as a husband and wife.
- 43:23Michelle Moore: If you're helping your children financially with something, you need to be on the same page for that and you actually definitely need to be seeking God's guidance, because it may not be something for you to be doing, because God's going to jump in that situation and take care of it, but yet you're trying to take care of it, but yet you're you're trying to take care of it.
- 43:42Michelle Moore: So I think in anything like that, you should always be going and communicating with your partner and talking about it.
- 43:50Daniel Moore: But always seeking God's guidance on it.
- 43:52Daniel Moore: Yeah, it just puts it more into the aspect of the reality of two becoming one.
- 43:56Michelle Moore: That's right you know God.
- 43:58Daniel Moore: I think in the very beginning God's intention was for us to come together as a married couple and then live life together.
- 44:05Daniel Moore: And one thing about you know our church we have life groups and I've always loved that slogan that the church has had for the longest time living life together.
- 44:16Daniel Moore: It kind of puts a twist of you know, a different kind of a meaning on it when you look at it that way.
- 44:23Daniel Moore: There's strength in numbers, you know.
- 44:30Daniel Moore: The Bible tells us that.
- 44:31Daniel Moore: You know a three-stranded rope cannot be broken as easily as you know if it was just a single strand.
- 44:34Daniel Moore: There's just a lot of wisdom that takes place in all of that, and so if one person feels like they can make really great, phenomenal decisions, imagine what two could do if they're following Christ.
- 44:46Michelle Moore: As we're sitting here talking, I'm thinking why do you always tell me no when I bring ideas to you?
- 44:54Daniel Moore: Because we haven't discussed it yet.
- 44:56Michelle Moore: Oh no.
- 45:00Daniel Moore: I don't hardly ever tell you no.
- 45:01Michelle Moore: Yes, you do.
- 45:02Michelle Moore: I just want you people to know I had ideas and he's like no, no.
- 45:10Daniel Moore: So that's the next conversation when the ideas exceed $500,000.
- 45:17Michelle Moore: He just looks at me like no, but that's, you know, and I'm okay with that because I know you know, honestly, and there are things like it's more expensive stuff that you know it's like I have these ideas I want to do to the house or you know stuff like that, and but at the same time I know he has the best interest at heart for for us and for our family.
- 45:42Michelle Moore: And you know, and sometimes I just get a little crazy doing too much Pinterest and HGTV and it's like, oh, I'd like that, I'd like to do this, and he's like, yeah, no.
- 45:51Daniel Moore: But you know, in all reality, as we close this episode here, you know talking about that, though, when it comes down to it, if we were serious about looking at those and we someday, we hope some of those ideas will happen we both want that, yeah.
- 46:05Daniel Moore: But when it comes down to the nuts and bolts of the whole thing, we sit down and we look at everything and we decide, financially, ok, well, this isn't something we can do right now, right, and we both come to that agreement.
- 46:15Michelle Moore: Oh, absolutely, I'm giving him a hard time.
- 46:17Michelle Moore: I'm definitely giving him a hard time.
- 46:19Daniel Moore: We tease each other a lot, you know whatever.
- 46:27Michelle Moore: And I know in the back of my, you know in my heart, god wouldn't want that for me right now, because I'd be putting myself in a financial situation.
- 46:34Michelle Moore: And it's like, even though he tells me no, I'm like you always tell me no, I'm like something's wrong with this picture and we just tease each other.
- 46:43Michelle Moore: And I love it because we can banter back and forth about it.
- 46:45Daniel Moore: That's that small talk.
- 46:46Michelle Moore: Yes, and we'll tease each other about it.
- 46:49Michelle Moore: It's like, oh, I'd be sitting outside with a covered porch if I could have one right now.
- 46:53Daniel Moore: So me and God are against that.
- 46:55Daniel Moore: It's so funny.
- 46:56Daniel Moore: Well, we're going to go ahead and wrap up this week.
- 47:12Daniel Moore: We got a couple of those conversations out of the way there.
- 47:13Daniel Moore: So just remember that in your relationships, don't let the small talk stop.
- 47:16Daniel Moore: You know you've got to make sure you nurture that.
- 47:19Daniel Moore: That's a healthy part of communication and marriage and it's so important that you keep that in place.
- 47:25Daniel Moore: And then, of course, the work talk.
- 47:29Daniel Moore: That's the talk we probably don't like to have occasionally, but we have to have it because that's just part of being married.
- 47:36Daniel Moore: You have the logistics and the financial side of things and the kids and the.
- 47:40Daniel Moore: You know there's so many things there.
- 47:42Daniel Moore: That's the daily routine of just keeping your life going.
- 47:43Daniel Moore: Yeah, that's the daily routine of just keeping your life going.
- 47:45Daniel Moore: That's the daily routine of just keeping your family together and keeping things moving forward, and you want to make sure that that moves forward in a positive way and that you make good decisions and choices with that.
- 47:56Daniel Moore: So we're going to leave it with there, with this week, and we'll come back next week.
- 48:01Daniel Moore: We're going to talk about the other two conversations that you can have, and then there's a 10 minute rule that we want to get into also.
- 48:08Daniel Moore: That has to do with communication, and we'll get into that in next week's episode here on Marriage Life and more.
- 48:16Daniel Moore: Again, if you guys would ever want to communicate, if you have things that you'd like to share with us maybe that's happened in your relationship, or some points positive things that you've maybe put into place to help solve issues in your marriages that's worked for you and we could share that with other listeners.
- 48:34Daniel Moore: We're always open to that and we know everybody comes up with great ideas occasionally on how they can keep their marriages rolling along and keep everything positive and making good choices between each other.
- 48:45Daniel Moore: So we're always looking for those kinds of things.
- 48:47Daniel Moore: So if you ever have any stuff like that, there's a contact page on the website and an email address there as well that you can get a hold of us, or you can just message us through Messenger with our social media.
- 48:57Daniel Moore: However you want to do that, there's plenty of ways to contact us and we look forward to hearing from you.
- 49:02Daniel Moore: So you have anything to add to this week?
- 49:03Daniel Moore: No, and we look forward to hearing from you.
- 49:04Daniel Moore: So you have anything to add to this week?
- 49:05Daniel Moore: No, okay, well, we're going to go ahead and call this a wrap.
- 49:07Daniel Moore: Then that's all for this week and, as always, we pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode.
- 49:15Daniel Moore: This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.
- 49:20Daniel Moore: Thank you.