Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 20, Season 1: Taking Back Your Personal Power

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Episode 20, Season 1: Taking Back Your Personal Power · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

0:08
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Doc podcast. I am your co
0:10
Speaker 1: host Raina Butcher here with our host, doctor Sarah Hanson.
0:14
Speaker 2: Hi, Hi, I've missed you.
0:16
Speaker 1: I've missed you too.
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Speaker 2: We haven't seen each other in a while.
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Speaker 1: We haven't, we've been I feel like we all always
0:23
Speaker 1: sort of live on two different planets. But yaes, we're
0:26
Speaker 1: at different points in our life, but.
0:27
Speaker 2: For sure, and we're busy.
0:30
Speaker 1: I mean, you're doing your thing with coaching and I'm
0:32
Speaker 1: doing my thing with all your marketing.
0:35
Speaker 2: And everything else. Basically, no, we have.
0:39
Speaker 1: We have.
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Speaker 2: Elizabeth is a great member of our team. To shout
0:42
Speaker 2: out to Elizabeth's Elizabeth.
0:43
Speaker 1: We love you so much.
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Speaker 2: We do.
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Speaker 1: Such a good person, such a great coach.
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Speaker 2: Amazing. So episode twenty today, Wow, I know, I feel
0:51
Speaker 2: like us.
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Speaker 1: I feel like every ten episodes we need to celebrate
0:54
Speaker 1: we do. And today's topic is taking back your personal power.
0:59
Speaker 2: Yeah, because I did a TikTok on that and I've
1:02
Speaker 2: just it's been swimming in my head this week, and
1:05
Speaker 2: of course it comes back to the situation that I
1:09
Speaker 2: cannot fully talk about the tea that everybody's wondering about.
1:13
Speaker 2: Had so many people be like, what's that tea? Like
1:16
Speaker 2: I want to know, and I'm like, I just can't
1:18
Speaker 2: for so many reasons. But that situation robbed me so
1:22
Speaker 2: much of what I felt like was my personal power.
1:24
Speaker 2: So actually I went back to therapy, which has been
1:26
Speaker 2: great because it's a difficult situation, and I'm a big
1:30
Speaker 2: fan of therapy obviously, and I've come to realize that
1:35
Speaker 2: the hardest part about that situation was that it removed
1:39
Speaker 2: a lot of my personal power and control. And obviously,
1:42
Speaker 2: it feels really bad when there's something in your life
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Speaker 2: you don't have control over. I mean, that feels bad
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Speaker 2: to everybody, I think, right to some degree. But I
1:51
Speaker 2: think that there's certain things that can happen, specifically in relationships,
1:55
Speaker 2: that really force people into surrendering their personal power. I
2:01
Speaker 2: don't want to say that anybody can really truly come
2:03
Speaker 2: and take your personal power. I think we often have
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Speaker 2: to surrender it. I think they're just I mean, there
2:09
Speaker 2: are very few situations where people actually come in and
2:11
Speaker 2: take it right. But oftentimes we surrender our personal power
2:15
Speaker 2: inside of our relationships, and that creates so much anxiety,
2:21
Speaker 2: so much rumination, so much desperation, and a lot of
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Speaker 2: people identify with feeling that way.
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Speaker 1: In their relationships, and a lot of people surrender their
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Speaker 1: personal power without noticing or realizing or knowing that they're
2:36
Speaker 1: surrendering their personal power.
2:38
Speaker 2: That's right, And it just really makes me think of
2:40
Speaker 2: a relationship with a narcissist or even a dismissive avoidant,
2:44
Speaker 2: because dismissive avoidance are dictators and relationships. And I saw
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Speaker 2: this video and I want to have this guy on
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Speaker 2: our podcast, The Nameless Narcissists. I don't know his name
2:54
Speaker 2: because he goes by the Nameless Narcissist, and I think
2:57
Speaker 2: we're going to end up having him on our show.
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Speaker 2: But he made this video the other day that was like,
3:01
Speaker 2: narcissists really don't desire to control you for the sake
3:04
Speaker 2: of controlling you, for you to have like do something
3:08
Speaker 2: that they want. It's not about an outcome they can
3:10
Speaker 2: get from you. It's about proving to themselves that they
3:12
Speaker 2: have the ability to control you. Yeah, And I was like, Wow,
3:15
Speaker 2: that's a really interesting insight that could probably only come
3:19
Speaker 2: from a self aware narcissist, which we know is actually
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Speaker 2: one percent of.
3:22
Speaker 1: Narcissists that's actually self aware.
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Speaker 2: He's niss Yeah, he's a you know, he calls himself
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Speaker 2: a self aware narcissist, and I find his videos like
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Speaker 2: incredibly insightful because there is so much debate around narcissism.
3:37
Speaker 2: There's a lot of conflicting theories. And here's the thing.
3:41
Speaker 2: Because narcissists are so not self aware, it's really hard
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Speaker 2: to study them. Yeah right, Yeah, it's extremely hard. Segment
3:48
Speaker 2: that in.
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Speaker 1: The episode we did, Are they a narcissist? Because well,
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Speaker 1: because there's no self awareness, but they're also highly manipulative,
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Speaker 1: so they hard to write to gather day at all.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, Like they're hard to pick out in a
4:01
Speaker 2: therapeutic setting a lot of times. I mean, you know.
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Speaker 2: But and then one thing that I saw that also
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Speaker 2: made me want to do this episode was a TikTok
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Speaker 2: actually this morning that was talking about how they did this.
4:17
Speaker 2: I don't know, somebody did this study. I'm gonna have
4:18
Speaker 2: to go look back at the study obviously, I'm gonna
4:20
Speaker 2: have to find it, so just disclaimer, I haven't read
4:23
Speaker 2: the research yet. But it was this clinical psychologist who
4:26
Speaker 2: was talking about they did this study rating asking therapeutic
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Speaker 2: providers to provide a rating of their colleagues, Like how
4:34
Speaker 2: what percentage of your colleagues do you feel like are competent?
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Speaker 2: And across the board, the average was basically one third.
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Speaker 2: One third of the colleagues that I know that are
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Speaker 2: in this same industry as me, I feel are competent
4:47
Speaker 2: at their jobs. So that leads two thirds of mental
4:50
Speaker 2: health professional number. Yeah, incompetent. And he really focused in
4:57
Speaker 2: on the fact that therapy for a lot of people
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Speaker 2: ends up reinforcing their victimhood and lack of personal power.
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Speaker 2: So it was like, oh, well, my parents hurt me
5:08
Speaker 2: when I was a kid, and of course, you know,
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Speaker 2: therapists are really scared to lose patients, and they're very
5:14
Speaker 2: scared to be sued, and they're very you know, careful
5:17
Speaker 2: about what they say, and they want to be a
5:19
Speaker 2: safe space and they want to be validating. But what
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Speaker 2: can really honestly happen when somebody feels like they don't
5:25
Speaker 2: have personal power and that they are a victim, is
5:28
Speaker 2: they go to therapy and they're just like, I'm this
5:30
Speaker 2: awful victim and it hurts so bad, and you know,
5:33
Speaker 2: and then they're just like, yes, you are, and it's
5:35
Speaker 2: okay to feel that pain, right, And what we sometimes
5:39
Speaker 2: need to tell people, which is a really hard thing
5:41
Speaker 2: and this has come up before. Sometimes you are surrendering
5:46
Speaker 2: your personal power and you are staying in victimhood.
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Speaker 1: You're the problem and to.
5:51
Speaker 2: Time it is time to take that power back, and
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Speaker 2: so how do we do that? Boundaries obviously is the
6:00
Speaker 2: first thing that comes to mind for me, learning how
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Speaker 2: to not then move forward in your life where you
6:07
Speaker 2: get into another situation where you're surrendering it because you're
6:10
Speaker 2: being controlled or being manipulated, or you're you're taking less
6:16
Speaker 2: than you deserve and you're willing to stay in that relationship.
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Speaker 2: So back to the dismissive avoidant. They really do act
6:23
Speaker 2: like dictators in their relationships, and it sucks because they're
6:27
Speaker 2: not bad, mean people. It's just that they are so
6:32
Speaker 2: anxious in the relationship to themselves that they are going
6:36
Speaker 2: to put themselves first yep ye, which leaves you as
6:40
Speaker 2: somebody who's surrendering your power to them. I mean, they
6:43
Speaker 2: just they will tell you like, this is when we
6:46
Speaker 2: will see each other, this is how long we will
6:48
Speaker 2: see each other. This is what will happen when we
6:50
Speaker 2: see each other. This is what we'll do. This is
6:52
Speaker 2: what we'll do. Yeah, because it's all.
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Speaker 1: About well it will end. This is what I have
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Speaker 1: to do after because I'm too busy.
6:58
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh my god. She just makes me think about
7:01
Speaker 2: my relationship with a dismissive avoidant. And I had this
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Speaker 2: celebrity client the other day and we've talked about this,
7:08
Speaker 2: and no, I will not ever reveal who my clients are.
7:11
Speaker 2: Their information stays completely confidential. But I've had several celebrity clients,
7:15
Speaker 2: which is always fun, you know, because I'm like, oh,
7:18
Speaker 2: I've seen you on TV, or I've seen you in
7:20
Speaker 2: you know, a magazine, or I've seen you. And this
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Speaker 2: person was honestly one of the most beautiful people I've
7:28
Speaker 2: ever seen in my entire freaking life.
7:31
Speaker 1: I was just like, like just perfect in terms of.
7:34
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I was just like, you're like an
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Speaker 2: airbrush creation in real life, you know. And this person
7:42
Speaker 2: is describing her relationship with the DA and it was
7:46
Speaker 2: exactly like my relationship with the DA. Because all das
7:48
Speaker 2: act the same. They all freaking act the same, so predictable.
7:52
Speaker 2: It's like they go to DA University and get a
7:54
Speaker 2: degree in being the DA. And so you know, I'm
7:58
Speaker 2: trying to tell this person, you have to take back
8:01
Speaker 2: some of this power, you have to set some boundaries
8:04
Speaker 2: with this guy who is another celebrity. Apparently I don't
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Speaker 2: know whod shouldn't reveal it to me? And I don't care.
8:10
Speaker 2: I don't I don't need to know who is. But
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Speaker 2: I'm like, you have to set some boundaries. You have
8:16
Speaker 2: to say no, that doesn't work for me, absolutely not.
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Speaker 1: And what they if they could only realize that if
8:21
Speaker 1: once those boundaries are set, it actually makes you more attractive.
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Speaker 2: It does to the DA it does. Boundaries will make
8:30
Speaker 2: you more attractive to the dismissive avoidant because they subconsciously
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Speaker 2: don't like your weakness.
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Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, they don't want to feel totally responsible for
8:38
Speaker 1: your emotional well being.
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Speaker 2: That is one hundred percent hit the nail on the head, yep.
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Speaker 2: And so but of course they're attracted to their shadow, right.
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Speaker 2: So they're initially attracted to like the warmth and the
8:52
Speaker 2: kindness and the lovingness and the nurgery, yes, and the submissiveness.
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Speaker 2: But then they start to get really picked out by
8:58
Speaker 2: it after longevity occurs. But I mean they just they
9:03
Speaker 2: are so they have such rigid boundaries. Now, there is
9:06
Speaker 2: a small subset of dismissive avoidance that are people pleasers.
9:10
Speaker 2: They tend to be women. They tend to be the
9:12
Speaker 2: women das that I see, and they they fawn a lot.
9:15
Speaker 2: They'll go, okay, yeah, you're right, it is because they're
9:17
Speaker 2: terrified of conflict, right, But they usually do a lot
9:21
Speaker 2: of lip service, and then their behavior is still very
9:24
Speaker 2: rigid and still you know, like I'm still not going
9:27
Speaker 2: to follow through. So they sort of people please with
9:31
Speaker 2: their words, but then they're still very rigid in their
9:33
Speaker 2: own personal boundaries, right, like, no, I'm not gonna call you.
9:37
Speaker 1: Yeah.
9:38
Speaker 2: I remember in the relationship I had with the DA,
9:40
Speaker 2: and let me just say, Donald, I'm sorry for talking
9:42
Speaker 2: about my exes because I know that gives him just
9:44
Speaker 2: a smidge of like discomfort, but he he's learned to
9:47
Speaker 2: realize that this is part of my Yeah, it's part
9:49
Speaker 2: of my platform. It is, it's part of.
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Speaker 1: My personal experience and your story, and you have to
9:53
Speaker 1: be able to tell your story.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I remember. Of course, in DA seek out
10:00
Speaker 2: long distance relationships, whether they understand it or not. Subconsciously,
10:03
Speaker 2: they seek out long distance relationships. I swear two out
10:07
Speaker 2: of every three relationships with a DA partner are long distance.
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Speaker 2: That I see in my practice and my ass freaking
10:13
Speaker 2: predictable for the da right. You know, it was long distance.
10:18
Speaker 2: We saw each other once a week. That was all
10:20
Speaker 2: he was willing to give me. And we were about
10:21
Speaker 2: an hour half away. I always had to go down there.
10:24
Speaker 2: He would never drive to my place after the beginning
10:27
Speaker 2: of the relationship. The beginning of the relationship, he was
10:28
Speaker 2: at my house all the time. Yeah. Then it was like, oh,
10:31
Speaker 2: I'm too busy. Well, what changed, nothing except the fact
10:34
Speaker 2: that you don't have You know, your capacity has changed
10:39
Speaker 2: because your wounds came up and they suppressed the feelings
10:41
Speaker 2: and they give you the ick and you back away.
10:43
Speaker 2: And that's what happened. Closer, we had gotten closer, and
10:46
Speaker 2: then that's when they back away, Right, that's what happens.
10:49
Speaker 2: And I remember going down there. Do you remember this,
10:52
Speaker 2: Like I was going to Happy for a big conversation.
10:56
Speaker 1: I think y'all had like three or four of them.
10:58
Speaker 2: Yeah, where I was like, I'm going to date my
11:00
Speaker 2: needs and if he can't do it, I'm done, right, Yeah.
11:04
Speaker 2: And so one of the needs that I had was
11:05
Speaker 2: I want to talk to you on the phone every day.
11:08
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I don't want a text stationship. Right, that's
11:11
Speaker 2: not there's that's not even a relationship.
11:14
Speaker 1: No, Josh and I never text. We always call, yeah, always.
11:18
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, Donald and I, Oh my goodness.
11:21
Speaker 1: We'll sit on the phone when he's at work at night.
11:22
Speaker 1: We'll sit on the phone for like an hour and talk.
11:24
Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Like, I couldn't imagine if we were like high school
11:27
Speaker 1: against I couldn't imagine if we were just texting back
11:29
Speaker 1: and forth.
11:30
Speaker 2: You imagine. No, that's and then.
11:33
Speaker 1: It would never work. We wouldn't be married.
11:34
Speaker 2: And I remember he said maybe I can maybe do that.
11:40
Speaker 1: Which is a fair answer at least he wasn't saying
11:42
Speaker 1: yes I can and then not following through.
11:45
Speaker 2: Right, But then he didn't follow through the very next day,
11:49
Speaker 2: no phone call, you know, And.
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Speaker 1: I can't remember. Did you walk away after that? I
11:55
Speaker 1: don't think he did it took you? I did you?
11:57
Speaker 2: I did? Okay, But then we got back together. We
12:00
Speaker 2: got back to the other three times, which was ludicrous. Listen,
12:04
Speaker 2: if y'all have more than one breakup, it ain't gonna work. No, no, no, no.
12:09
Speaker 2: I always think like it's a breakup because it's broken.
12:12
Speaker 2: There was a book a long time ago titled that,
12:13
Speaker 2: and it was a great book. I don't remember who
12:15
Speaker 2: wrote it, but it's called a breakup because it was broken. Yeah.
12:18
Speaker 2: I mean, secure people usually don't break up because they
12:22
Speaker 2: can work through their problems. But he was such a
12:26
Speaker 2: dictator in the relationship. He dictated everything everything. I had
12:32
Speaker 2: no personal power in that relationship, and I would try
12:36
Speaker 2: to put boundaries in place, and then I would just
12:39
Speaker 2: let them be because my or let them down because
12:42
Speaker 2: my attachment anxiety would come up.
12:43
Speaker 1: But the beauty of that relationship is it really catapulted
12:46
Speaker 1: you to find more of your personal power or.
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Speaker 2: In my security.
12:50
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's really what, you know, the relationships that
12:54
Speaker 1: don't work should be. And I wish people could acknowledge
12:58
Speaker 1: that and more great let them go. I think you
13:02
Speaker 1: know the one DA that I sort of dated, I
13:05
Speaker 1: don't even know if i'd call it dating.
13:07
Speaker 2: I mean, you guys, you guys want to like, yeah,
13:10
Speaker 2: we went.
13:10
Speaker 1: On a few dates, and you know, it was like
13:11
Speaker 1: a three month situation. Yeah, pretty much, you know, but
13:16
Speaker 1: I had learned pretty early on, I think probably from
13:22
Speaker 1: your situation, just based on his behavior, like that that's
13:25
Speaker 1: what it was. And I was like, oh yeah, I
13:27
Speaker 1: was like I'm going to get out of this before
13:29
Speaker 1: it even gets any deeper. And it was it was
13:32
Speaker 1: really empowered, empowering to be able to set that boundary
13:35
Speaker 1: and just like instead of saying, hey, this is what
13:38
Speaker 1: I need, it was just, hey, I acknowledged that he's
13:41
Speaker 1: probably not going to be able to do it, and
13:43
Speaker 1: so I'm just gonna go ahead and cut this off.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. I was really really proud of you. And I
13:49
Speaker 2: knew my DA was a DA.
13:51
Speaker 1: Yeah, I knew, Yeah, you've done enough deep diving at
13:54
Speaker 1: that point.
13:55
Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean I was educated on a super educated
13:57
Speaker 2: on attachment, and I'm like, I know this is a DA,
14:00
Speaker 2: but I viewed it as I'm a psychologist, so I
14:04
Speaker 2: can change him right. So much about like yes, but
14:10
Speaker 2: I can change him right, And it was like no,
14:15
Speaker 2: I couldn't because I wasn't even able to change myself
14:18
Speaker 2: at that point, which is why I always go back
14:20
Speaker 2: to knowledge doesn't equal healing. I had all the knowledge
14:23
Speaker 2: for I don't know how many years, decade or more,
14:26
Speaker 2: still wasn't healed at that point. It wasn't until I
14:30
Speaker 2: did the healing that I found my secure relationship. And
14:33
Speaker 2: I look at Donald andized relationship. It is so intimate.
14:36
Speaker 2: We are so close he's my best friend.
14:39
Speaker 1: You can tell him anything.
14:40
Speaker 2: I can tell him anything in the whole world. I
14:43
Speaker 2: could tell him anything. And I don't think there's anything
14:47
Speaker 2: I could tell him where he would be shocked, or
14:49
Speaker 2: he would stop loving me, or he wouldn't accept me.
14:53
Speaker 2: Right and and that, and we always say and in
14:56
Speaker 2: Dana last week I think, really or a couple of
14:59
Speaker 2: weeks ago when we actually filmed that podcast, was talking
15:02
Speaker 2: about how authenticity and your relationships is so important, and
15:05
Speaker 2: when we aren't authentic, we are surrendering, surrendering our personal power,
15:11
Speaker 2: and that makes you anxious. Yeah, it disregulates your nervous system,
15:16
Speaker 2: because human beings have a fundamental need to have some
15:19
Speaker 2: personal power and autonomy over their lives. And being in
15:22
Speaker 2: a relationship with somebody who's highly avoidant or narcissistic will
15:27
Speaker 2: will sort of play on your insecurities where you will
15:31
Speaker 2: then surrender your personal power.
15:33
Speaker 1: And I think people make that mistake of teetering that
15:35
Speaker 1: fine line of being like, well, the relationship's new, and
15:39
Speaker 1: you know, maybe if I just sit back and like
15:41
Speaker 1: give it some time, you know, and see what happens.
15:45
Speaker 1: I mean, my only advice there is you've just got
15:49
Speaker 1: to go in firm from the beginning. And that's why
15:52
Speaker 1: attachment security is so important, because you have that right.
15:56
Speaker 1: You have that power in the sense of, like the
16:00
Speaker 1: moment that you see certain things that don't feel good
16:02
Speaker 1: to you, you're just able to say no, I'm good,
16:05
Speaker 1: like I'm gonna go ahead, I'm gonna go ahead and
16:07
Speaker 1: get out for me. And it doesn't You don't have
16:09
Speaker 1: to sit back and think like those those thoughts don't
16:12
Speaker 1: flood into your mind of oh gosh, I'm never gonna
16:15
Speaker 1: find anybody else, or you're just like, now this isn't
16:17
Speaker 1: meant for me and something better will come along.
16:19
Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, And you know I say this all the time.
16:24
Speaker 2: I think the video that I did about matching energy,
16:27
Speaker 2: and there's a reason that did that video did pretty
16:29
Speaker 2: well because so many coaches are so one manipulative, too uneducated,
16:37
Speaker 2: and they'll be like, well, just match energy. If he
16:38
Speaker 2: pulls back, you pull back. Are you gonna play that
16:40
Speaker 2: game forever? Right? If someone's only attracted to you when
16:43
Speaker 2: you pull away, what's gonna happen when you come back?
16:45
Speaker 2: It's going to be a pushfull. The entire time I
16:48
Speaker 2: deal with.
16:49
Speaker 1: I was in a relationship like that for twelve years. Yeah,
16:52
Speaker 1: it was awful.
16:53
Speaker 2: Yeah, it never changes that dynamics never do change.
16:55
Speaker 1: It doesn't. It just gets worse.
16:57
Speaker 2: Why would you want to be with someone who is
16:59
Speaker 2: only attracted to you when you go away?
17:02
Speaker 1: Yeah, it makes no sense. That was a good video.
17:06
Speaker 2: Yeah, great video. And so it's like, no, we're not
17:08
Speaker 2: going to match energy. We're going to exceed that energy
17:10
Speaker 2: by cutting that person off and moving on exactly right.
17:13
Speaker 2: So if someone starts to pull away in your relationship
17:16
Speaker 2: and it's early in the dating phase, freaking let them
17:18
Speaker 2: go because and this is what like, again, I've said
17:22
Speaker 2: this before, but I'll say it again. I get so
17:26
Speaker 2: many people had somebody the other day that was like,
17:29
Speaker 2: I'm very securely attached. But I've been in this relationship
17:33
Speaker 2: with the DA for like fourteen years and it's been terrible. Really,
17:37
Speaker 2: but I'm very secure, And I'm like, no, you're not.
17:40
Speaker 2: You're not. Where have your boundaries been. You've surrendered all
17:45
Speaker 2: your personal power inside of this relationship. You've allowed this
17:48
Speaker 2: person to be a dictator of the intimacy, of the
17:51
Speaker 2: level of vulnerability, of the amount of time you spend,
17:54
Speaker 2: of everything. There is no natural reciprocation in that relationship,
17:59
Speaker 2: Like in my marriage, there is such a natural reciprocation.
18:03
Speaker 2: Nobody's keeping a tally of how much have you done
18:05
Speaker 2: for me? Or I've done for you, because we are
18:08
Speaker 2: both naturally equally reciprocating, and it is this beautiful back
18:12
Speaker 2: and forth. You have to think of it like a metronome, right,
18:15
Speaker 2: or like a pendulum that's swinging. That is what a healthy,
18:18
Speaker 2: secure relationship looks like. It's you, then it's me, then
18:21
Speaker 2: it's you, then it's me, And then there are times
18:23
Speaker 2: of distress where maybe one partner will take over a
18:26
Speaker 2: little bit. But that's normal, right, Like somebody's sick.
18:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're human, you know.
18:31
Speaker 2: Like my, oh my gosh, my husband is coaching his
18:34
Speaker 2: son's flag football team. It's so beautiful to watch. He's
18:37
Speaker 2: such a good dad and my goodness, he's such a
18:39
Speaker 2: good tad. And he ended up getting stripped throat and
18:42
Speaker 2: he hadn't have strep throat since he was like a kid. Yeah,
18:44
Speaker 2: and he's like, how did I get strep throat? And
18:45
Speaker 2: I'm like, well, you're in the faces, like you're bending
18:49
Speaker 2: down in the faces of these little kids who are
18:50
Speaker 2: breathing on you. It's four to six year olds and like,
18:52
Speaker 2: that's how you got it, right. So he was actually
18:55
Speaker 2: the sickest I've ever seen him since we were married.
18:58
Speaker 2: And he had like a virus too, Like I think
19:01
Speaker 2: his son ended up getting hand foot in my health.
19:03
Speaker 2: We think that's what it was. It cleared up really quick,
19:05
Speaker 2: so I mean and he never even yeah, he never
19:07
Speaker 2: even ran a fever. I think because he's older kid
19:09
Speaker 2: that got it, so it didn't affect him. But then
19:11
Speaker 2: Donald ended up getting it with strep throat and he
19:16
Speaker 2: was the sickest. And my husband is like a power
19:17
Speaker 2: through type of yea. He's just like a no, I'm fine,
19:20
Speaker 2: you know, like he would have to be practically dead
19:22
Speaker 2: before he would stop. And he was in the bed
19:26
Speaker 2: and we went to the VA and we sat there
19:28
Speaker 2: because he's like, I gotta go to doctor. And I
19:31
Speaker 2: was like, oh my gosh, yeah yeah, And so I mean, yeah,
19:36
Speaker 2: I'm going to pick up like the slack right, right,
19:38
Speaker 2: And he does the same for me. But for the
19:41
Speaker 2: most part in the relationship, there is an equal distribution
19:45
Speaker 2: of power.
19:46
Speaker 1: Right, nobody's dictating everything that you do. That's right, right,
19:50
Speaker 1: Sometimes you make that decision, sometimes he makes that decision. Yeah,
19:53
Speaker 1: I feel like Josh and are pretty good about that
19:56
Speaker 1: as well. Sometimes he'll he'll default to me about certain
19:59
Speaker 1: things that he'll at the house and I'm just like,
20:01
Speaker 1: I don't know. There was something the other day he
20:03
Speaker 1: was asking where to put something, and I'm like, can
20:05
Speaker 1: you just find a spot, because I, like, I don't
20:09
Speaker 1: like sometimes I don't want to make the decision, like,
20:11
Speaker 1: just find a spot, Like it's okay. But I think
20:13
Speaker 1: he thinks, like, because I'm pretty OCD and pretty particular
20:17
Speaker 1: about my home, Like, I think he's afraid that he's
20:19
Speaker 1: gonna put it somewhere and then I'm gonna be like,
20:20
Speaker 1: why'd you put this here?
20:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, And then he's gonna be like, and this is
20:24
Speaker 2: why I made the wrong decision. Yeah. I donald's that
20:26
Speaker 2: way too sometimes. But and I think both of our
20:30
Speaker 2: husbands just really want us to be happy, absolutely, yeah,
20:33
Speaker 2: which is actually what makes them great leaders because we
20:36
Speaker 2: know they they have the desire to make us happy.
20:39
Speaker 2: So when they do make a decision, it's based off
20:41
Speaker 2: the data that they've collected from us. And you know,
20:42
Speaker 2: we've had that conversation. Yeah, but there's still a balance
20:46
Speaker 2: of power. Even though there's a leadership dynamic a really
20:51
Speaker 2: good leader collects the data about what's going on and
20:54
Speaker 2: makes the decision that is best for every.
20:57
Speaker 1: One and allowing you know, them allowing us to leadership,
21:00
Speaker 1: and us allowing them to take leadership. That's what distributes
21:05
Speaker 1: the power appropriately.
21:07
Speaker 2: Right.
21:07
Speaker 1: It's because I let Josh take on these leadership roles
21:11
Speaker 1: and then at times he lets me take them on,
21:12
Speaker 1: and so you know, it's this beautiful balance of like,
21:16
Speaker 1: you know, teetering this ball back and forth. Like you said,
21:18
Speaker 1: you know that we can you know, both feel powerful
21:22
Speaker 1: within our relationship.
21:23
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then there are a lot of things that
21:25
Speaker 2: I'm going to default to him too, because one I
21:28
Speaker 2: don't know anything, or two I don't care.
21:31
Speaker 1: It's not true. You know a lot, Yeah, but not
21:34
Speaker 1: about psychology.
21:35
Speaker 2: About psychology that's not gonna help me fix. Like the
21:37
Speaker 2: doorframe that we have to replace that's been because the
21:40
Speaker 2: gutter got clogged and whatever. You know, there's things like
21:43
Speaker 2: that that I'm like, I don't know, you're the contractor, right,
21:46
Speaker 2: pick a door. I don't care any door, any door
21:48
Speaker 2: will work, right. There's things I'm just and I think
21:51
Speaker 2: one of my husband's favorite phrases is I babe, I
21:53
Speaker 2: trust you Yeah, men really want to feel like you
21:56
Speaker 2: trust them.
21:57
Speaker 1: Yeah. That makes them feel powerful and.
21:58
Speaker 2: It makes them feel so powerful, right, and so there
22:01
Speaker 2: are so many things you can do to help your
22:03
Speaker 2: partner feel like they have their own personal power, which
22:06
Speaker 2: is allowing them to make decisions on things that they
22:09
Speaker 2: are competent about and allowing them to feel your trust
22:14
Speaker 2: and your respect for them, especially men. Yeah, but I
22:19
Speaker 2: love it when my husband can go, I know you
22:22
Speaker 2: clearly know more than me on this, so I trust
22:25
Speaker 2: you to make a decision.
22:26
Speaker 1: Yeah, yep.
22:27
Speaker 2: And there's a lot going on in our lives right
22:29
Speaker 2: now where that's happening, and.
22:31
Speaker 1: That really shows the secure yeah personality too to be
22:35
Speaker 1: able to like, yeah, I would totally trust you on this.
22:37
Speaker 1: Josh is really great about that. Yeah, to just be like, hey,
22:40
Speaker 1: it's okay, like even if it's something that would be
22:43
Speaker 1: deemed like manly, right, Like, no, I think you know
22:46
Speaker 1: more about this. Like we're building a new chicken coop.
22:49
Speaker 2: That's all how much money we spend on the chickens.
22:51
Speaker 1: You know, we do have half a dozen eggs, now,
22:54
Speaker 1: we have half a dozen half a dozen of our
22:56
Speaker 1: own eggs. But what about we are about twenty five
22:58
Speaker 1: hundred dollars.
22:59
Speaker 2: Deep.
23:00
Speaker 1: Yeah, so that half a dozen eggs cost US twenty
23:03
Speaker 1: five hundred dollars. Anyway, you know, we all have hobbies. Yeah,
23:08
Speaker 1: it's it's been a lot of fun. It's been a
23:10
Speaker 1: lot of fun. But yeah, Josh is all week he's
23:12
Speaker 1: been working on the new Chicken coop and he's secretly
23:14
Speaker 1: I can tell he just absolutely loves it. And uh,
23:18
Speaker 1: there's been a lot of moments where he's like, come
23:19
Speaker 1: look at it, come look at I got to ask
23:20
Speaker 1: your opinion about something because he's doing it from no plans, right.
23:23
Speaker 1: I tried to convince him to buy some plans off
23:25
Speaker 1: edsy He's like, no, I don't need them. I don't
23:27
Speaker 1: need them.
23:27
Speaker 2: I'm good.
23:28
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I trust you.
23:29
Speaker 2: You know I'm good.
23:30
Speaker 1: And he'll he'll you know, pull me out there every
23:31
Speaker 1: once and wee be like, well what do you think,
23:33
Speaker 1: like should we do this? And I'm like, yeah, like
23:34
Speaker 1: I totally trust you. I'm like this looks great, like
23:37
Speaker 1: just do it. Yeah, And I can see like how
23:40
Speaker 1: like he's always been like this like little like excited
23:45
Speaker 1: little teenager out there, Like yeah, I've loved watching him
23:49
Speaker 1: build it because he's just so excited. Yeah, and then
23:52
Speaker 1: hes the chickens. He does not he loves them better them. Yeah,
23:57
Speaker 1: he loves them, Yeah, he loves them. He loves the
23:59
Speaker 1: p Yeah.
24:01
Speaker 2: Well, I think you know, having personal power in a
24:04
Speaker 2: relationship does not mean that you are controlling. No. I
24:07
Speaker 2: see a lot of control in different relationship dynamics and
24:13
Speaker 2: the couples that I coach, and I can tell the
24:17
Speaker 2: difference between you know, I'm setting boundaries, I'm taking some power,
24:21
Speaker 2: like I'm asserting some of my personal power in my
24:23
Speaker 2: relationship versus I have this desire to control the situation
24:26
Speaker 2: and control you inside of this situation. And there's total,
24:30
Speaker 2: like a total.
24:31
Speaker 1: Day, very difference.
24:34
Speaker 2: And I have a couple of couples that I've worked
24:37
Speaker 2: with that they just cannot see how their desperate need
24:42
Speaker 2: for personal power has turned them into someone who is
24:45
Speaker 2: controlling and manipulative. And I have to as a coach.
24:49
Speaker 2: And this is what I tell people when they want
24:51
Speaker 2: to work with me. I'm like, I am brutally honest.
24:54
Speaker 1: I think it's something that really sets you apart and
24:56
Speaker 1: makes you as wonderful as you are at what you do.
24:58
Speaker 2: And I tell people that upfront, I said, I I'm
25:00
Speaker 2: not for everyone, but I'm going to tell you if
25:03
Speaker 2: you are wrong in the situation. I'm going to tell you.
25:05
Speaker 2: I'm not going to dance around it. I'm not going
25:07
Speaker 2: to try to to toe around your feelings. I'm going
25:09
Speaker 2: to say you're wrong in the situation, You're the wrong one.
25:11
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you're really great. I think, too, is with
25:14
Speaker 1: being able to do it with you know, you do
25:15
Speaker 1: it with passion I do.
25:17
Speaker 2: I say, I understand where you're coming from here, and
25:19
Speaker 2: I can totally see why you feel this way, and
25:21
Speaker 2: I know that that feels really bad to you, but
25:24
Speaker 2: I need you to understand that. For example, the message
25:27
Speaker 2: is getting lost in your delivery, right, and so the
25:30
Speaker 2: delivery is wrong your intention I see it, but your
25:33
Speaker 2: partner can't see it because your delivery is horrible. Right. Yeah,
25:36
Speaker 2: So let's work on our communication skills.
25:39
Speaker 1: And that's a great example of you know, being able
25:43
Speaker 1: to tell the listeners like this is how doctor Hensley coaches,
25:47
Speaker 1: like she's taking your real life scenarios and giving you
25:49
Speaker 1: the perspective shifts right there, right then and there, immediately, yeah,
25:53
Speaker 1: immediately like and saying hey, no, this is actually what
25:56
Speaker 1: you need to do. Instead like your delivery is wrong,
25:59
Speaker 1: let's fix it.
26:00
Speaker 2: Right where A lot of therapists, because coaching and therapy
26:03
Speaker 2: are so so different, and I really want people to
26:07
Speaker 2: know that therapy is a lot of you digging out
26:11
Speaker 2: your own crap and coming to your own revelations with
26:14
Speaker 2: somebody that can guide you. Now, they do therapists give tools.
26:17
Speaker 2: They do. Do they have healing modalities, Yes, but they're
26:22
Speaker 2: rarely as blunt and honest and direct and fast moving
26:26
Speaker 2: as coaches are right there because they.
26:29
Speaker 1: Have a little bit more I don't want to say
26:32
Speaker 1: to lose because that's not the right word. They just
26:34
Speaker 1: have a little bit more liability, I think, oh.
26:36
Speaker 2: For sure, I mean people that work with me. You know,
26:40
Speaker 2: insurance does not cover coaching, which stinks. Some health savings
26:43
Speaker 2: accounts now will cover it, but still reimburse, yeah, reimburse,
26:47
Speaker 2: But for the most part, insurance doesn't cover it. So
26:49
Speaker 2: there's a little box you check when you have any
26:52
Speaker 2: of my programs or services that says, if you don't
26:55
Speaker 2: agree with something I say, or if there's an outcome
26:57
Speaker 2: you don't like because of something I say, something you
27:00
Speaker 2: can do about that. You know, I'm going to tell
27:02
Speaker 2: my truth of how I see things and whether or
27:06
Speaker 2: not you agree with it. You know, you never have
27:08
Speaker 2: to come back. You know, I'm not going to be
27:10
Speaker 2: for everyone, But I am also not going to sit
27:14
Speaker 2: back and watch someone be dysfunctional and not say this
27:19
Speaker 2: is dysfunctional and.
27:21
Speaker 1: There is tools try to change the behavior and listen.
27:24
Speaker 2: There's personal power in that. Yes, right, there's personal power
27:29
Speaker 2: of saying, hey, okay, I'm behaving dysfunctionally, but I can
27:34
Speaker 2: control that. Yes, I can make those changes. Where people
27:39
Speaker 2: don't ever really heal is when they go but my partner,
27:44
Speaker 2: but my partner, I have to I behave this because
27:49
Speaker 2: my partner. Yeah, well I can't really control my behavior
27:52
Speaker 2: because my partner makes me act like this. No, they don't.
27:56
Speaker 2: Nobody makes you do anything. Maybe you react and you
28:00
Speaker 2: don't have the capacity to react any other way that
28:03
Speaker 2: I'll give you. Right, But that lack of capacity is
28:07
Speaker 2: also a lack of personal power. So in my coaching philosophy,
28:10
Speaker 2: it's all about building people's capacity to execute rational, conscious
28:17
Speaker 2: behavior instead of subconscious trauma responding. Right, And that is
28:23
Speaker 2: powerful absolutely, to know that I am fundamentally in control
28:29
Speaker 2: of my thoughts and my emotions and my behavior. Do
28:32
Speaker 2: I really want to say, no, my partner's in control
28:34
Speaker 2: of my emotions and thoughts and behavior. Yeah, that gives
28:36
Speaker 2: me zero personal power.
28:39
Speaker 1: I can think about a moment in my life where
28:40
Speaker 1: I probably felt the most powerful I ever felt, and
28:43
Speaker 1: it was because it was such a different reaction than
28:47
Speaker 1: one really that I was used to and to I
28:51
Speaker 1: was really shocked that I was able to do it. So,
28:55
Speaker 1: just some background, you know, I grew up in a
28:56
Speaker 1: house where we yelled a lot, right like, we over
29:00
Speaker 1: you know, my mother was what I would probably deem
29:03
Speaker 1: as an overreactor. She overreacted about pretty much everything. And
29:07
Speaker 1: I'm not she was a wonderful mother, loyal there for everything,
29:11
Speaker 1: but she yelled, you know. And so we yelled and
29:14
Speaker 1: we screamed, and we fought, and then like our patterns
29:17
Speaker 1: where we would fight, we'd scream They're still kind of
29:19
Speaker 1: like this with messagers, and then we'd get over it
29:21
Speaker 1: and everything was fine. And so that was a lot
29:25
Speaker 1: of times my reaction within my romantic relationships. And so
29:29
Speaker 1: there was one instance in particular where I was dating
29:32
Speaker 1: a guy just for a short period of time, and
29:35
Speaker 1: of course I really liked him, really liked him, and
29:39
Speaker 1: there was some drama I would say that I won't
29:42
Speaker 1: get into that doesn't even need to be mentioned because
29:46
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. But it was one of the reasons
29:48
Speaker 1: he ghosted me. So the guy ends up ghosting me,
29:52
Speaker 1: which happened quite a few times in my dating life.
29:55
Speaker 1: Yeah again, which we've talked about. Ghosting is not okay, okay, ever,
30:01
Speaker 1: because I would have much preferred the explanation versus just
30:05
Speaker 1: no explanation at all and just being left in the dark.
30:09
Speaker 1: And so after it was all said and done, and
30:11
Speaker 1: he disappeared for like two weeks after we you know,
30:14
Speaker 1: we'd gotten pretty close, I mean, and so I saw
30:19
Speaker 1: him out one night and he yells Raina, Raina from
30:23
Speaker 1: across like the street. We were at Thursday Night Live,
30:27
Speaker 1: and I'm like looking around, like who is he? Only
30:29
Speaker 1: my name and I turn around and it's him. And normally,
30:34
Speaker 1: like the bad Raina, I would have like turned and
30:38
Speaker 1: flicked him off or something right, or like, you know,
30:41
Speaker 1: called him an asshole or something. But I just turned
30:45
Speaker 1: around and I saw him, and I just looked at
30:48
Speaker 1: him and I went, nah, yeah, and I just and
30:52
Speaker 1: I just walked off. And after that he sent me
30:55
Speaker 1: a message and he said fine, then be an asshole.
31:03
Speaker 1: And I laid into that guy like no other. I
31:07
Speaker 1: put him in his place. And I don't know, like
31:10
Speaker 1: I sometimes I screenshotted that message where I put him
31:14
Speaker 1: in his place, because again the old Raina would have
31:19
Speaker 1: when he said, like, you know, fine, then just be
31:21
Speaker 1: an asshole. I was just trying to talk to you.
31:24
Speaker 1: I would have been like, yeah, I understand that, but
31:26
Speaker 1: like I would have been like sympathetic towards him. But
31:29
Speaker 1: given the circumstances of what played out and what went down,
31:33
Speaker 1: I was just like, absolutely not, you deserve no sympathy
31:37
Speaker 1: from me. What you did was completely wrong and terrible
31:42
Speaker 1: and cowardly and no, in fact, you're the asshole.
31:48
Speaker 2: Well then he took care of it.
31:50
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just like, and I give that example because
31:53
Speaker 1: there's certain moments in our lives. I think when you're
31:56
Speaker 1: trying to get to that place of achieving your attachment security.
32:01
Speaker 1: You know, yes, it helps to seek resources like you,
32:05
Speaker 1: but our life circumstances present opportunities for us all the time.
32:11
Speaker 1: Oh of course, and so there's it was like this
32:13
Speaker 1: evolution process for me with and that's why I say
32:15
Speaker 1: it's so important to take these relationships you know, like
32:19
Speaker 1: a lot of the clients that you have that come
32:20
Speaker 1: to you and like, well, how do I get them to?
32:22
Speaker 2: How do I do? How do I get them to?
32:23
Speaker 2: How do how do I get them to? You can't.
32:26
Speaker 1: Your best bet is to exert that power that you
32:31
Speaker 1: know that you fill deep in your gut, like trust
32:33
Speaker 1: your gut, and just say, hey, you know what, I'm
32:35
Speaker 1: gonna walk away from this and let that be an
32:37
Speaker 1: evolutionary process to catapult you into this place where you
32:41
Speaker 1: can't attract the right perse.
32:43
Speaker 2: That is right instead of trying to force someone to
32:46
Speaker 2: do something which you can't. At the end of the day,
32:50
Speaker 2: you can't, you know. I mean, I I'm always so
32:55
Speaker 2: afraid I'm gonna get like a flag for saying something
32:58
Speaker 2: like this, but please don't do this. I'm not advocating
33:00
Speaker 2: for this, but you could literally hold a gun to
33:02
Speaker 2: somebody's send. It doesn't mean they're going to do what
33:03
Speaker 2: you want to write, right, It doesn't mean it doesn't
33:05
Speaker 2: mean that right. So what are you going to do
33:07
Speaker 2: in a relationship that's gonna make someone behave? No thing
33:11
Speaker 2: you can do is set boundaries. And so a lot
33:12
Speaker 2: of people are confused about boundaries and I get that,
33:15
Speaker 2: but most people don't uphold their boundaries. They try to
33:17
Speaker 2: set them and then they let them down, right because
33:20
Speaker 2: they're too afraid to let go of their relationship because
33:22
Speaker 2: they have attachment anxiety that's coming up for them.
33:24
Speaker 1: And a lot of times it's because they jump from
33:26
Speaker 1: relationship to relationship to relationship. They don't give themselves time
33:29
Speaker 1: to process what happened.
33:30
Speaker 2: And learn the lessons. I had somebody the other day
33:34
Speaker 2: that was like, why do I keep picking the same people?
33:35
Speaker 2: I'm like, you haven't learned the lesson.
33:36
Speaker 1: You're not giving yourself enough time to process happen.
33:39
Speaker 2: Absolutely not, and that I mean, we know anxious, preoccupieds
33:43
Speaker 2: do that. They are just the ultimate relationship hoppers. But
33:46
Speaker 2: a lot of people don't understand that boundaries set the
33:50
Speaker 2: rules for engagement. People are like, well, boundaries are for protection. Yes,
33:53
Speaker 2: they are for protection. They should not be used as
33:56
Speaker 2: a punishment. But boundaries should also say there's rules for
34:00
Speaker 2: engaging with me that I'm going to hold tight and
34:03
Speaker 2: I'm not going to back down on these rules of engagement. Right,
34:06
Speaker 2: so if you do this, I'm going to do that.
34:08
Speaker 2: You're free to do this, You're free to do whatever
34:11
Speaker 2: you want to do, but no, if you do this,
34:16
Speaker 2: I'm doing that. In one of the boundaries that I teach,
34:18
Speaker 2: which is a little controversial, I mean, but hey, you know,
34:21
Speaker 2: controversy brings people to the table.
34:25
Speaker 1: It's people thinking.
34:26
Speaker 2: It does get people thinking. So one of the boundaries
34:28
Speaker 2: that I am very, very very adamant about is there's
34:32
Speaker 2: still something unsettled between this boundary because when you're with
34:36
Speaker 2: a dismissive avoidant or even a fearful that leans very
34:39
Speaker 2: very dismissive the true you know, the people that are
34:42
Speaker 2: highly avoidant, let's just say that they run away from conflict.
34:46
Speaker 2: So their partner literally can bring up anything and they
34:49
Speaker 2: will refuse to solve it or acknowledge it, refuse accountability,
34:54
Speaker 2: refuse to a lot of times even have the discussion.
34:56
Speaker 1: Yeah right.
34:57
Speaker 2: They want to run away until it blows over and
35:00
Speaker 2: then come back around like nothing ever happened. So what
35:04
Speaker 2: I tell people to do, I'm like, the first level
35:06
Speaker 2: boundary is, hey, there's still something unsettled between us. And
35:11
Speaker 2: so this comes back to the idea that we have
35:13
Speaker 2: both self regulation and we have coregulation and the relationship
35:16
Speaker 2: and both are necessary. So the avoidant hyper self regulates
35:20
Speaker 2: through suppression, through suppressing everything and distracting, right, But the
35:24
Speaker 2: anxious doesn't have very good self regulation skills. So they're
35:29
Speaker 2: feeling all their pain like super intensely, and they are
35:33
Speaker 2: begging for coregulation. They're begging for their partner to come
35:36
Speaker 2: in and soothe them. So we have somebody that can't
35:40
Speaker 2: self regulate, and then we have somebody that can't co
35:42
Speaker 2: regulate when both are necessary. So what I tell people
35:46
Speaker 2: to do, I'm like, if your partner refuses coregulation, that
35:50
Speaker 2: means that you are forced to only self regulate, and
35:53
Speaker 2: that takes up a lot of psychological and emotional resources. Okay,
35:59
Speaker 2: So in order to protect yourself, to care for yourself appropriately,
36:07
Speaker 2: to be able to have the self regulation that's difficult
36:12
Speaker 2: for you, you need to tell your partner there's still
36:15
Speaker 2: something unsettled between us, and until you are willing to
36:19
Speaker 2: come to the table and settle it with me kindly
36:21
Speaker 2: and respectfully, I am gonna have to turn away from
36:25
Speaker 2: meeting some of your needs in this relationship and place
36:27
Speaker 2: that energy on meeting my own needs because my nervous
36:31
Speaker 2: system requires it.
36:32
Speaker 1: And that's why it's controversial.
36:34
Speaker 2: And that's why it's controversial, right, You're like, oh, you're
36:35
Speaker 2: telling people to just know you can still be cordial
36:37
Speaker 2: with your partner. You're just gonna.
36:40
Speaker 1: For example, you're not advocating for stonewallers.
36:42
Speaker 2: No, you do not stonewall or give anybody the sign treatment.
36:45
Speaker 2: But what you're gonna do is, you know, if you
36:48
Speaker 2: do your partner's laundry, you're gonna maybe say, hey, I'm
36:51
Speaker 2: just letting you know, until this is settled between us,
36:53
Speaker 2: I'm gonna have to stop doing your laundry because I
36:55
Speaker 2: only have the capacity to do mine, because I need
36:57
Speaker 2: to go to this yoga class. I need to be
36:59
Speaker 2: exercising now to take care of my nervous system that
37:01
Speaker 2: is still very dysregulated from this conflict that is not settled. Yeah,
37:05
Speaker 2: you know, instead of you know, packing your lunch and
37:07
Speaker 2: just letting you know, I'm not going to be doing that.
37:10
Speaker 2: I'm going to go to bed earlier because my nervous
37:13
Speaker 2: system is so disregulated from the lack of settlement of
37:15
Speaker 2: this conflict. And so you are going to take what
37:18
Speaker 2: you were pouring into your partner to some degree, and
37:20
Speaker 2: you're going to pour it into yourself. Otherwise your nervous
37:23
Speaker 2: system is going to snap.
37:24
Speaker 1: Right, a boiling pot of water, that's right.
37:27
Speaker 2: And a lot of people are like, oh, that's punishment.
37:30
Speaker 2: I'm like, no, it's not. It's self care. It's boundaries,
37:33
Speaker 2: and you're setting the rules for re engagement, and those
37:37
Speaker 2: rules for re engagement to the other person are abundantly
37:41
Speaker 2: clear what they have to do to shift the relationship
37:45
Speaker 2: back into the way that it was. And that's exerting
37:48
Speaker 2: your personal power. That's saying, if you are unwilling to
37:51
Speaker 2: care for my heart and my nervous system, I'm the
37:54
Speaker 2: only one left to care for me. So if I'm
37:57
Speaker 2: just pouring from you, eventually I'm pouring from an empty
37:59
Speaker 2: cup and I'm going to snap. Yeah, And as somebody
38:02
Speaker 2: who has snapped, and by saying snapped, I mean debilitating
38:05
Speaker 2: migraines from an overtaxed nervous system from trauma, you know,
38:10
Speaker 2: you know that happened to me when I got to
38:11
Speaker 2: my lowest point. That happens people start getting chronic illnesses.
38:16
Speaker 1: Yeah, I coached a few people, So what for people
38:19
Speaker 1: in the dating phase? You know, what, what advice would
38:22
Speaker 1: you give to those people you know that maybe haven't
38:25
Speaker 1: been in these marriages for a long time. You know,
38:27
Speaker 1: because I feel like that's the scenario, and that's advice
38:29
Speaker 1: for those people that have been married for a long
38:31
Speaker 1: time and trying to take their power back maybe when
38:33
Speaker 1: they're dealing with an avoidant partner. So people in the
38:36
Speaker 1: dating phase, you know, that have that person, because I
38:39
Speaker 1: see this a lot in answering your messages that you
38:42
Speaker 1: know are really wishy washy in terms of like, yeah,
38:45
Speaker 1: I really like you and like, you know, hey, sexy,
38:49
Speaker 1: what's up text? And then you know, you set right
38:52
Speaker 1: and then you make like, you know, approaches for you know,
38:56
Speaker 1: to get together, and then they still blow you off.
38:59
Speaker 1: Like that point, at what point do you want? And
39:05
Speaker 1: I think it's it's probably different for everybody, of course,
39:08
Speaker 1: and based on multiple variables, but you know, at what
39:11
Speaker 1: point do you sort of draw the line in the sand.
39:13
Speaker 1: Because I never want to give the indication that like, yes,
39:17
Speaker 1: there are red flags, but sometimes in our society we
39:21
Speaker 1: see everything as a red flag now, and so I
39:23
Speaker 1: want to make sure that it's not like we're encouraging
39:26
Speaker 1: people like, oh, red flag, I'm out right, Like there
39:28
Speaker 1: has to be some.
39:31
Speaker 2: A way to gauge, right, Yeah, I mean I think
39:34
Speaker 2: it depends one on the severity of the behavior, Like,
39:36
Speaker 2: if it's an abusive behavior, then the first time, yeah,
39:39
Speaker 2: out right. If it's a flaky behavior, like give it
39:44
Speaker 2: a couple times, Like, if you see it more than once,
39:47
Speaker 2: it's probably a pattern. Yeah. But secure people are so
39:50
Speaker 2: repelled by that. Yeah, they're just not gonna be like, oh,
39:53
Speaker 2: I guess I should give them, keep giving them chances.
39:56
Speaker 2: They're inherently turned off by that. That's where I tell
39:59
Speaker 2: people that there's this fundamental switch when you earn your
40:02
Speaker 2: security from being attracted to red flags and the fear
40:07
Speaker 2: being mistaking that for chemistry and continuing to attach versus
40:10
Speaker 2: getting the ick from the red flags. I will never
40:13
Speaker 2: forget after I felt like I earned my security right
40:16
Speaker 2: before I met my husband. I did kind of start
40:18
Speaker 2: talking to this guy and he started love bombing me
40:21
Speaker 2: and I started getting picked out and I told him, hey,
40:23
Speaker 2: you're coming on like a little too strong, and he's like, well,
40:25
Speaker 2: at least give me one date. And I was like, well, okay,
40:28
Speaker 2: maybe that's fair enough. Right, I'll give you one date.
40:31
Speaker 2: I bought a new outfit for this date. It was
40:33
Speaker 2: all planned out. I mean, he was a fairly attractive guy.
40:37
Speaker 2: And then do you know what he did. Like an
40:39
Speaker 2: hour before the date, he calls me and says, I
40:41
Speaker 2: actually still have feelings for my ex and it wouldn't
40:43
Speaker 2: be fair to you to take you out After like
40:46
Speaker 2: two weeks of pretty much love bombing me. I was like,
40:50
Speaker 2: and he's like, can can you just like let me
40:52
Speaker 2: have this conversation with her and like really like officially
40:55
Speaker 2: end it and then I'll take you on a date.
40:56
Speaker 2: I was like, hell to the night, to the absolute.
41:01
Speaker 1: No no heck no, no, no, no, no, no, no
41:05
Speaker 1: no right.
41:07
Speaker 2: I was so icked out by that. I had like
41:10
Speaker 2: a disgusted feeling. It was so disrespectful and so like,
41:15
Speaker 2: you really think that I'm just gonna sit here while
41:17
Speaker 2: you figure out when I don't even barely know you
41:20
Speaker 2: figure stuff out with your ex and then let you
41:22
Speaker 2: take me on a date?
41:23
Speaker 1: No thanks, I'm good. I wish you will.
41:26
Speaker 2: And then and then after that, he was blowing me up,
41:28
Speaker 2: blowing blowing me up, and I was just like a
41:31
Speaker 2: black partie and never looked back. I never had another
41:34
Speaker 2: thought about it, right, right, And I mean this guy
41:38
Speaker 2: was landed on thick and it was itcking me out.
41:42
Speaker 2: And that's why I said, you know, Hey, you're coming
41:44
Speaker 2: on a little strong, you know, and I don't. That
41:47
Speaker 2: doesn't really feel that great to me.
41:48
Speaker 1: There's so there's always a gut feeling too, there's always
41:51
Speaker 1: a gut feeling. And if people could learn how to
41:53
Speaker 1: trust that more, that would save you a lot of
41:56
Speaker 1: time and a lot of heart.
41:57
Speaker 2: As right, But your attachment wounds will override that intuition
42:00
Speaker 2: every time. So I think we need to actually think
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Speaker 2: So anyway, it has been a great episode. It has.
44:01
Speaker 1: It has so for anybody who's looking to take their
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Speaker 1: power back, please go visit doctor Hinsley at her website,
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Speaker 1: a big shout out to coach Elizabeth. She also is
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Speaker 2: It is because it's really an all inclusive experience, everything.
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Speaker 1: Saying, you get her, you get the course. So yeah,
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Speaker 1: go check that out and until next time, peace, love
44:37
Speaker 1: and perspective.