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Building Relationships - Dear Gary | October · CIAM Radio

0:00
S1: We're finding ourselves in an immense amount of guilt because,
0:04
S1: you know, we're living in sin every day.
0:06
S2: I don't know how to move forward due to her
0:09
S2: fear and bitterness.
0:10
S1: My husband was working hand in hand with God and
0:13
S1: helping me get through it.
0:18
S3: Welcome to Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
0:22
S3: the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Today,
0:25
S3: it's our Dear Gary broadcast for the very last day
0:28
S3: of October. Time to open the phone lines and hear
0:31
S3: your questions about the love languages, your marriage, singles issues,
0:35
S3: and more. And if you want to ask a question
0:38
S3: for a future broadcast, call this number 1866424. Gary (866) 424-4279.
0:50
S3: Each week we have a featured resource. And with Thanksgiving approaching,
0:54
S3: we have a book by author Stu Epperson titled Thanks living.
0:59
S3: And I see a familiar name of the person who
1:01
S3: wrote the foreword to that book, Doctor Gary Chapman. This
1:04
S3: is a topic you really believe in, right, Gary?
1:07
S4: Well, I really do, Chris. Of course, I've known the
1:10
S4: author for a long, long time. Knew his father beforehand.
1:14
S4: He was one of the owners of Salem Radio Network
1:18
S4: and so forth. And his son Stu, who wrote this book,
1:21
S4: is also into radio and has a number of stations,
1:25
S4: Christian stations. And but when I saw the book and
1:30
S4: the idea not just Thanksgiving Day, you know, because we
1:35
S4: all are aware of that, but thanks. Living as a
1:39
S4: way of life. Uh, and he based the whole thing
1:42
S4: on first Thessalonians chapter five and verse 18, which says,
1:46
S4: in everything, give thanks. Uh, when I read the book,
1:50
S4: I thought, oh man, this is what I mean. Every
1:53
S4: Christian needs to read this book because we need to
1:56
S4: be thankful. You know, and even in hard situations, we
1:59
S4: can look for things for which we can be thankful.
2:03
S4: We can't always thank God. I don't think honestly about,
2:05
S4: you know, really tragic things that happen in our lives,
2:08
S4: but we can look for things associated with that that
2:13
S4: we can give thanks for. And so, yeah, I think
2:17
S4: this book will help any, anyone who really wants to
2:21
S4: follow the scriptures in this particular area, and that is
2:25
S4: looking for things to give thanks and giving thanks to God.
2:29
S3: And see how that will transform your life when you
2:32
S3: have that kind of mindset, whatever circumstance you're in, up, down,
2:35
S3: or in the middle. Find out more about the book
2:38
S3: at Building relationships.us. It's titled thanks Living Embracing the Power
2:44
S3: of Gratitude Every day. Just go to building relationships.us. Well, Gary,
2:50
S3: let's begin with a question about a couple. They've changed
2:53
S3: spiritual direction and now they need a little advice.
2:57
S1: I'm calling because me and my boyfriend, we have three
3:01
S1: kids together. We live together. We've been together for seven
3:05
S1: years going on. And we've recently found our journey with Jesus.
3:10
S1: And we recently said yes to Jesus. And we're finding
3:14
S1: ourselves in an immense amount of guilt because, you know,
3:17
S1: we're living in sin every day. We are questioning what
3:22
S1: we should do in this case scenario where we, you know,
3:25
S1: live together. He's the primary breadwinner in the house. And
3:28
S1: it's just not an option to not live together, given
3:31
S1: that we have three kids, a life together. We've been
3:33
S1: together for so long and it's getting hard to not
3:37
S1: give in to temptation because we are trying to do
3:41
S1: it the way God intended. Meaning we've been, you know,
3:45
S1: staying clear of each other in an intimate way. But
3:49
S1: we it makes it harder because we live together and
3:52
S1: there's just temptation living together. We sleep in the same
3:54
S1: bed and stuff like that. So it's definitely been hard.
3:57
S1: We've been doing very well at fighting that temptation, but
4:01
S1: we're wondering what your opinion is in a situation like
4:04
S1: ours where we do want to get married, but it's
4:06
S1: just a financial thing at this point, and it's hard
4:10
S1: to not feel like I'm being materialistic in choosing to
4:13
S1: not get married right this moment because we can't afford it.
4:17
S1: Would your advice be to just go to a courthouse,
4:20
S1: get married, make it legal the way God intended? Because
4:24
S1: it's hard to not feel like we're just living in
4:27
S1: sin every day, not being married, having the kids together
4:30
S1: and living together. So we're just wondering, what would your
4:33
S1: advice be for a family in our situation where we
4:36
S1: got saved after already doing all the things, having kids
4:40
S1: and having, um, a whole life together? Thank you so much.
4:44
S1: And I look forward to hearing the answer to this.
4:47
S4: Well, Chris, first of all, I will admire this couple
4:53
S4: for coming to Christ Out of, you know, their sinful lifestyle.
4:58
S4: All of us came out of sin. We were all sinners,
5:02
S4: and we came to Christ. And some things that that
5:04
S4: many people have done through the years before they became
5:07
S4: Christians were certainly, uh, you know, not biblical things. And
5:12
S4: so we can't change the past. Uh, but, uh, what
5:16
S4: I'm admiring is that not only, first of all, they've
5:18
S4: given their lives to Christ now, and now they want
5:21
S4: to do what's right. You know, and that's, that's the
5:24
S4: desire of every Christian. I think if we're in fellowship
5:26
S4: with God, we want to do whatever God has has
5:30
S4: laid down for us. If he said, don't do it,
5:32
S4: we don't want to do it. If he said, do it,
5:34
S4: we want to do it. Uh, because we know that
5:36
S4: all the commands of God really flow out of his
5:39
S4: love for us. He wants us to have the best
5:42
S4: possible life on earth. And that's why he gave us
5:44
S4: the guidelines that he's laid down in scriptures. You know,
5:48
S4: and so I can understand, uh, you know, the wrestling
5:51
S4: that they're doing with and especially apparently the sense that
5:54
S4: they don't have enough money to get get married. What
5:57
S4: are your thoughts on this, Chris?
5:59
S3: I felt the same way. It's like, yes, yes, you've
6:03
S3: you've followed. You have forgiveness for your sin. You have
6:07
S3: a new name written down in glory, like that old
6:10
S3: song said. But then I thought, the enemy is at
6:14
S3: work here because the enemy wants you to live in
6:17
S3: shame and guilt. And when you do get married, he
6:21
S3: wants you to live in that shame and guilt and think, oh,
6:25
S3: we should have done this. We should have done that.
6:27
S3: And so my, my first thought is, it's fantastic that
6:32
S3: you've taken this step and that you're following Jesus and
6:34
S3: that you're asking this question because a lot of people
6:38
S3: would just, you know, keep on going and, and never,
6:41
S3: you know, never do anything about it. Uh, and we'll
6:43
S3: get married down the road. So I, I'd have a
6:46
S3: couple of questions. What does he think? You know, how
6:49
S3: how is he handling this? Because she is the one
6:53
S3: who's calling here. And what is the the pastor of
6:57
S3: your church if you're involved, maybe they're not involved in
7:00
S3: a church. I don't know, because you and I can
7:03
S3: have an opinion about you. Go to the justice of
7:05
S3: the peace today, you know, get this handled. But the
7:08
S3: person who is on the ground in that church near them,
7:13
S3: who knows them, who's going to walk with them, you know,
7:16
S3: forward might have the best advice for them because of
7:21
S3: that knowledge. What do you think of that?
7:23
S4: Yeah, I think that would be a wise thing if
7:25
S4: they are involved in a church, is to talk with
7:27
S4: the pastor about it, because obviously, the pastor would certainly
7:31
S4: agree that it's biblical to be married before having sex
7:35
S4: and having children. Uh, but also the pastor realizes that
7:39
S4: we cannot change the past, you know, but we can
7:43
S4: thank God that it is forgiven. A holy God has
7:48
S4: forgiven us. And consequently, now he wants us to walk
7:51
S4: closely with him. And I think the pastor, you know,
7:55
S4: if the pastor knows and they share this with him,
7:57
S4: I think he would his advice would be to. Yes.
8:01
S4: Get let's get married. It's time to do that now.
8:03
S4: And you know, a marriage doesn't have to be expensive.
8:06
S4: I mean, I know we think about, you know, the
8:08
S4: typical marriage in which all the families come and all
8:11
S4: that sort of thing. Uh, which is fine. I'm not
8:14
S4: opposed to that. And it is very expensive in today's
8:17
S4: world to have that kind of marriage. But having a,
8:21
S4: having a ceremony with the pastor of the church and
8:24
S4: a few of your friends or family, if you if
8:27
S4: your family is nearby, uh, it doesn't have to cost
8:30
S4: a lot of money. Uh, but what you're doing is
8:34
S4: you're formally in the presence of God and some witnesses.
8:38
S4: There has to be witnesses. You're making that commitment and
8:42
S4: you're joining yourselves together in a covenant relationship. And you know,
8:48
S4: the other thing, Chris, I'd like to say it doesn't
8:50
S4: relate relates specifically to her. But in our culture, we
8:54
S4: know that there are many, many couples that are living
8:57
S4: together who have not been married. And the vast majority
9:01
S4: of them end up not getting married. And many of
9:05
S4: those who do eventually get married divorce. So living together
9:11
S4: before marriage. And I know the philosophy well, let's get
9:15
S4: to know each other first. You know, and then see
9:18
S4: if we want to get married. But you can't you can't, uh,
9:22
S4: make a decision based on getting married and seeing how
9:26
S4: it's going to work out. Because the reality is, as
9:29
S4: I said, most of those couples don't get married. And
9:32
S4: now they've got the shame or whatever that has gone
9:35
S4: with that when they become Christians, at least. And, uh,
9:39
S4: and also, uh, they've got to deal with, you know,
9:43
S4: here we go again. And how many times are you
9:45
S4: going to do this with how many different people? And
9:47
S4: how is that different from prostitution? You know, Yeah, a
9:50
S4: lot of questions there.
9:52
S3: Yeah. And there's study after study after study, not just
9:55
S3: from Christian people, but in the secular society that say
9:58
S3: cohabitation is not it doesn't help your relationship later on. So, um, uh,
10:07
S3: would you, if they, if you were talking with her
10:10
S3: live here today, would you say, just go to the
10:12
S3: justice of the peace, get this cared for and then
10:15
S3: and then come back and have a ceremony later on?
10:18
S3: Or would you, would you say, go to the pastor
10:20
S3: and talk with the pastor?
10:21
S4: I think if they are involved in a church, I
10:24
S4: would go to the pastor first. Uh, if they're not
10:27
S4: involved in the church, then I would say yes, just
10:30
S4: go to the justice of the peace and get married.
10:33
S4: It's not, it's financially, it's not going to cost a
10:36
S4: lot of money at all. And you are legally married.
10:40
S4: You made that kind of commitment. But as Christians, I
10:43
S4: think it's always best to have a wedding in the
10:47
S4: context of a pastor, you know? Who knows the biblical
10:51
S4: teachings on marriage and who would certainly appreciate what you're
10:55
S4: saying and would certainly be willing, I would think, to
10:57
S4: perform a ceremony for you. So that's that. That would
11:01
S4: be my advice. Start there. If you have if you
11:03
S4: have a church and I understand you can be a
11:05
S4: Christian and not yet involved in a church, but if
11:08
S4: you do, I would. That's where I would say start.
11:11
S3: Our next caller has a practical love language question. Here's
11:15
S3: her call.
11:16
S5: Hi, Gary. My two adult children. Love language is quality time.
11:22
S5: Who can I speak their language, their love language, since
11:26
S5: they're adults. Thank you.
11:29
S4: Well, that's a good question and a lot of issues
11:32
S4: there that I would, uh, would not know. That is
11:35
S4: if they live in town, for example, or live close
11:39
S4: to you. Uh, it's much easier to spend quality time,
11:43
S4: you know, having them over to your house or, uh,
11:46
S4: going out and have dinner with them or lunch with
11:49
S4: them and that sort of thing. Relatively easy if they're living,
11:53
S4: you know, close by. Now, if they live, of course,
11:56
S4: hundreds of miles away from you, which is true of
11:58
S4: many adult children today, that's a different issue. But with technology,
12:05
S4: it's much easier today than it would have been 50
12:08
S4: years ago to give quality time to your adult children,
12:12
S4: because we can FaceTime now. You can actually see them
12:16
S4: and talk to them at the same time. And that's
12:19
S4: quality time. They have your undivided attention. You can be
12:24
S4: discussing anything. Uh, you know, my granddaughter, for example, calls
12:29
S4: my wife, who is her grandmother every Sunday afternoon at 3:00,
12:34
S4: and they both look forward to it and share their
12:37
S4: week with each other. You know, and that's, that's quality time.
12:41
S4: So now that's assuming, of course, that you have a
12:45
S4: good relationship with your adult children and that they are open,
12:48
S4: you know, to to talk with you and spend time
12:51
S4: with you. Obviously, spending time physically, at least in my mind,
12:56
S4: is always more intimate because you can see each other,
13:01
S4: you can see the facial expression, you can reach out
13:04
S4: and give them a hug if you want to and
13:06
S4: that sort of thing. Uh, so I would say if
13:09
S4: they live close to you, uh, I would take the
13:11
S4: initiative to invite them to a lunch or to your
13:15
S4: home for a meal or whatever. It didn't have to
13:17
S4: be a meal, you know, but their schedule and your
13:21
S4: schedule has to be worked out. Obviously, if they have
13:24
S4: full time job, then, you know, you have a full
13:26
S4: time job, but there's always time if they live close
13:30
S4: by to schedule a quality time with with your adult children.
13:35
S3: I love that question that she is thinking about that.
13:39
S3: And my guess is that Carolyn, when she talks with
13:43
S3: your granddaughter, uh, she has questions about what they've talked
13:47
S3: about the week before and what was coming up and
13:49
S3: what happened with this. So you're connected on a heart
13:53
S3: level and you spend time together. That helps, right?
13:57
S4: Yeah, absolutely. The more regularly that you interface with your
14:01
S4: adult children, verbally or physically, the closer the bond is
14:06
S4: because you both are sharing your life with each other,
14:09
S4: and you can pray for each other more effectively because
14:14
S4: you know what they're going through and what they where
14:17
S4: they may need prayer, and they will do the same
14:20
S4: for you. So it is important, I think, with our
14:23
S4: adult children that we understand their primary love language and
14:27
S4: we make every effort. Now, we can't control our adult
14:31
S4: children and sometimes their adult children that, uh, that choose
14:35
S4: not to spend a whole lot of time with their,
14:37
S4: with their parents for whatever reason. Um, but if it's
14:41
S4: a healthy relationship, then it's always positive to speak their
14:45
S4: primary love language. Let them know you still love them.
14:48
S4: You're not trying to control them. And when you have
14:51
S4: these conversations, you're not telling them what they ought to do.
14:56
S4: That's God's that's God's responsibility. Uh, and unless they ask
15:00
S4: for your advice now, if they ask for your advice
15:03
S4: in your conversation, certainly then you can give your advice. Uh,
15:07
S4: or you could ask if they share a problem. Would you,
15:10
S4: would you like to know my thoughts on that? And
15:13
S4: if they say no, uh, no, I don't think so. Well,
15:16
S4: then just respect that because they're adults and we're not
15:20
S4: there to tell them what to do. We did that
15:22
S4: when they were children, but we don't do that now.
15:24
S4: We have to give them the freedom to be there,
15:28
S4: live their lives. And I think that's an important thing
15:31
S4: for parents to recognize.
15:33
S3: This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman here on
15:37
S3: the very last day of October, our dear Gary broadcast.
15:40
S3: And we're taking calls from our listener line if you
15:43
S3: want to add your voice 866424. Gary, go to the
15:48
S3: website building relationships.us. We have some great resources there for you.
15:53
S3: Our next call is about a deep marriage struggle from
15:57
S3: a husband's perspective. Gary.
16:00
S2: Hi, Gary. My marriage is extremely dysfunctional. Many of my
16:05
S2: choices have destructive consequences. I have gone to counseling and
16:09
S2: I've sought to repent. I want to move forward in
16:12
S2: our marriage and life in general. I've asked my wife
16:15
S2: to go to marriage counseling, but she refuses, saying these
16:19
S2: are not marriage problems but heart problems. He says, I
16:23
S2: am concerned with my words and does not serve in
16:27
S2: a church or be allowed to be a teacher. I
16:30
S2: don't know how to move forward due to her fear
16:33
S2: and bitterness. What would you suggest?
16:38
S3: There were. There was a little drop out there, Gary,
16:40
S3: in his call, but I think you got the gist
16:43
S3: of what he had to say. This rift that is
16:45
S3: between him and his wife.
16:47
S4: Yeah. And it seems like that the foundation was that
16:51
S4: he apparently did some things that he regrets that he did.
16:54
S4: And she's having a hard time perhaps, you know, processing
16:57
S4: all of those and perhaps still, at least that's what
17:01
S4: I gathered, still feeling that he is doing or saying
17:06
S4: things that are hurtful or painful to her. If that
17:09
S4: is the case, indeed, then he needs to listen. He
17:13
S4: needs to try to see her perspective, not argue with her,
17:16
S4: but to say, I want to understand what you're feeling
17:20
S4: and listen and ask questions and let her share her
17:23
S4: feelings and her hurt and her struggles. Because unless we
17:27
S4: listen empathetically, that is listening to understand where they're coming
17:33
S4: from rather than listening in order to be defensive and
17:37
S4: tell them, well, they're thinking wrong, or that's not true,
17:40
S4: or that you know that this leads to an argument.
17:43
S4: But when we can listen long enough to say, you know, honey,
17:47
S4: I think I understand what you're saying, and I can
17:49
S4: see how you would still be struggling with that. And honestly,
17:53
S4: I struggle with it too. But I know God has
17:56
S4: forgiven me and I really want to make life different
17:59
S4: in the future. I hope you can see that. You know,
18:02
S4: those kind of conversations. But if you're if you are
18:06
S4: in fact being defensive when she brings up something, then, uh,
18:11
S4: you're just keeping it alive. Uh, but when you're empathetic
18:14
S4: and share understanding of her thoughts and feelings, you, you,
18:19
S4: when we feel understood, that's if a person is struggling,
18:23
S4: that's what they need most is to feel understood and accepted,
18:27
S4: you know, not not condemning them for the way they feel. Uh,
18:31
S4: it would be ideal, I think. Yes, if she would
18:33
S4: go for counseling, but that's not abnormal. That one partner
18:37
S4: could be the husband or the wife. Uh, is willing
18:40
S4: to go for counseling and the other, for whatever reason,
18:43
S4: is not willing to go for counseling again. You can't
18:46
S4: make your spouse go for counseling, but I would, I
18:49
S4: would encourage you to continue to go for counseling. It
18:52
S4: appears to me, Chris, that he has already had some
18:56
S4: counseling and has found that helpful because you need an
18:59
S4: outside person, and especially a counseling type person that can
19:03
S4: help you wrestle with what you're feeling and your experience
19:07
S4: and your frustration, you know, with her. But I think
19:10
S4: another thing I would say is if you know her
19:14
S4: love language, speak her love language. It doesn't matter how
19:19
S4: she's responding because the scriptures tell us love the unlovely.
19:23
S4: We're to love the way God loves, and that's loving
19:26
S4: the unlovely and speaking her primary love language is the most,
19:30
S4: most positive influence you can have on her. And if
19:34
S4: you don't know her love language or you don't know
19:36
S4: what I'm talking about, I would suggest you read the
19:39
S4: book The Five Love Languages? Many couples have said to me,
19:43
S4: you know, Gary, that book saved our marriage 15 years
19:47
S4: ago or 20 years ago. We were at the ready,
19:49
S4: ready to give up. And we read that book and
19:51
S4: the lights came on, and God used it to change
19:54
S4: our marriage, because one of our deepest emotional needs is
19:58
S4: the need to feel loved. And if your wife does
20:01
S4: not feel loved, then you know, she's she's going to
20:05
S4: have emotional struggles. Uh, so those are my thoughts.
20:09
S3: Chris, what I hear you saying then if I can
20:12
S3: use that vernacular, what I hear you saying is if
20:16
S3: his goal is to move on and to get past
20:20
S3: her bitterness, and this is he can do that, that
20:23
S3: can be your goal. But if your goal is to
20:26
S3: move toward her and try to restore this relationship, then
20:32
S3: her words to you about, uh, this is not a
20:35
S3: marriage problem. It's a heart problem is something that he
20:39
S3: needs to listen to and process and probe then and
20:44
S3: ask her, okay, what do you mean by the heart problem?
20:48
S3: And tell me more about that and then listen.
20:51
S4: Yeah, absolutely. And I think that's where a counselor can
20:56
S4: help him learn how to do that. Because by nature,
21:00
S4: we listen in order to give an answer. You know,
21:03
S4: we listen to tell them they're right or they're wrong
21:05
S4: and we get defensive. And that just prolongs the problem.
21:10
S4: But listening with a view to fully understanding or as
21:13
S4: much as we can understanding where they're coming from, you know,
21:17
S4: what they're feeling and why they're feeling that and not
21:19
S4: condemning them for those thoughts and those feelings. But to say,
21:22
S4: you know, I can see now, you know, why you
21:24
S4: would feel that way. And I can see why it's
21:26
S4: hard for you to get over that, honey. So I'm just,
21:30
S4: I hope you'll pray for me that God will help
21:32
S4: me because I, I do not want to fall back
21:34
S4: into the kind of behavior that that brought on all
21:37
S4: this pain and all this struggle.
21:39
S3: I think there's a clue in some of the things
21:41
S3: that she said, that the words that he's used have
21:44
S3: hurt her. And maybe words of affirmation, you know, maybe
21:47
S3: that's her love language and why this is such a
21:50
S3: deep wound for her. So we'll leave it right there.
21:54
S3: Thank you for being open and honest with us. Our
21:57
S3: first couple of calls, three calls now open and honest.
22:00
S3: Let's go to our next caller who heard our program
22:04
S3: last month, and a call from a wife who was
22:07
S3: upset that her husband wouldn't let her know where he's
22:10
S3: put some of their money. This caller has a suggestion
22:13
S3: of what could have happened.
22:16
S6: Hi, Gary. I just wanted to respond to the lady
22:18
S6: who had called earlier. The first thing that popped in
22:22
S6: my head, and because I have witnessed this myself, is dementia.
22:27
S6: He started getting very, very forgetful misplacing things. And it
22:32
S6: may be truly that he does not know what he
22:35
S6: did with the money. You know, her getting counseling is
22:38
S6: very wise counsel. But I think that that she may
22:42
S6: need to explore that possibility also. And I thank you
22:46
S6: for listening to my comment. Bye bye.
22:49
S4: Well, Chris, that's interesting because when you've been through something
22:53
S4: like that, you know, you've had a spouse who has
22:56
S4: dementia and can't remember a lot of things. Uh, it
23:00
S4: would be kind of logical to think, oh, well, maybe,
23:03
S4: maybe her husband's having the same problem that my husband had,
23:06
S4: you know? And that's certainly a possibility. And so if
23:11
S4: the lady who called in earlier is listening to us,
23:14
S4: it's worth giving some thought to that. Perhaps there is
23:18
S4: something to that. I gathered from the question that was
23:21
S4: asked that that he he was just refusing. He didn't
23:25
S4: have any mental problems, but he was just refusing to
23:28
S4: tell her what he had done because he probably thought
23:31
S4: she would be very much opposed to it. And, you know,
23:35
S4: they'd be into an argument. And so he, he just,
23:38
S4: you know, was deciding not to tell her. But that's not,
23:41
S4: of course, in my opinion wise, because husbands and wives
23:46
S4: are one. And when it comes to money, it is
23:49
S4: our money, not your money and my money. And it
23:53
S4: doesn't matter who is making the money, it's our money
23:57
S4: because we are one and we need to be open
24:00
S4: and honest with each other about what we're doing with money.
24:04
S4: That's true on both sides. Husband and wife.
24:07
S3: I can't believe you remember these questions from month to month,
24:11
S3: but you hit the nail on the head and I
24:13
S3: in in my mind, as we were listening to that
24:15
S3: question last month, I thought, well, I wonder if this
24:18
S3: could be something that's going on with him. And he's ashamed,
24:21
S3: you know, that he can't remember this or that kind
24:23
S3: of thing. But it was the way that she framed
24:26
S3: the question, the caller last month that led me to
24:30
S3: agree with you and what you've just said, but that
24:33
S3: might help somebody else who's listening right now, who has
24:35
S3: a spouse who's exhibiting some of these behavior patterns. And
24:40
S3: so put that in the storehouse of knowledge. This is
24:43
S3: the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. Thanks for
24:47
S3: listening and for telling others about the conversations that we
24:50
S3: have here. Find out more ways to strengthen your relationships
24:53
S3: at building relationships.us. Our featured resource today is the book
24:57
S3: by Stu Epperson. The foreword is by Doctor Chapman. It's
25:01
S3: titled Thanks Living Embracing the Power of Gratitude every day.
25:06
S3: Just go to building relationships.us, or you can find us
25:10
S3: at five Love languages.com. And if you'd like to be
25:14
S3: on a future Dear Gary broadcast, ask your question or
25:17
S3: leave a comment at this number 866424. Gary 1-866-424-4279. Here's
25:28
S3: a question I don't think we've ever received Gary. And
25:31
S3: it has to do with our callers disability.
25:35
S7: Hi Gary, I am a mother, a grandmother of 68
25:42
S7: and I became blind in 2017. My question is, how
25:47
S7: does all myself deal with adult children and grandchildren? Uh,
25:55
S7: regarding because I'm pretty much independent too, but at times
26:00
S7: I go into an environment that I may not know
26:03
S7: that environment. So I'm really I go by faith, not
26:08
S7: by sight. So it's kind of hard to deal with
26:11
S7: that kind of circumstances. God bless you.
26:14
S4: Well, Chris, I think for those of us who are
26:17
S4: not blind, it's hard even to imagine the world when
26:25
S4: you cannot see. And I have you know, I have
26:28
S4: a couple of friends who, who are blind. Uh, and again,
26:33
S4: it's hard to enter that world and even conceive of
26:37
S4: what it's like to live without sight. What is so
26:41
S4: wonderful is that there are many, many blind people who
26:45
S4: have a close relationship with God in this. This caller
26:48
S4: is probably one of them. And they're they're coping, they're
26:51
S4: coping with their own blindness, you know, but apparently there's,
26:55
S4: there's some, uh, I don't know what the dynamics are
26:58
S4: between her and her adult children. Did you pick up
27:01
S4: on that?
27:03
S3: It sounds like she really wants to move toward them,
27:06
S3: but there's some fear there's a little anxiety about, I
27:10
S3: don't know, the makeup of their house. Like she knows
27:13
S3: her own. And so maybe, you know, she's asking, what
27:18
S3: request can I make of them for when I go
27:21
S3: into that situation?
27:23
S4: Yeah. And that would be a matter of being open
27:27
S4: and honest about where she is, you know, and especially
27:31
S4: since she's only been blind since 2017. I don't mean only.
27:34
S4: But she hasn't been blind from birth. You know, she
27:37
S4: had sight and her life was one way. And now
27:40
S4: she's lost sight. And her life is very different. So
27:44
S4: I think to be honest with her children would be
27:47
S4: one thing to say, you know, I would love to
27:49
S4: if they say, would you come for dinner? I would
27:51
S4: love to. But, you know, somebody will have to, you know,
27:55
S4: and she explained what somebody will have to do for
27:58
S4: her to make that happen. And when I get there,
28:02
S4: you'll have to lead me to the table or you'll
28:04
S4: have to do this or have to do that because
28:07
S4: they're adjusting to it. Also, you know, if they had
28:10
S4: a life with her when she could see and now
28:12
S4: they have a life with her as blind. So it's
28:16
S4: an adjustment for them as well. But again, this is
28:19
S4: where communication becomes so important in which we're sharing with
28:23
S4: each other our thoughts and our feelings, our struggles, our joys.
28:30
S4: You know, go back to that Thanksgiving thing, thanking God.
28:33
S4: You know, I can still walk, Lord, I can't see,
28:35
S4: but I can walk, you know, and I can think
28:38
S4: and there's so many things to give thanks for not
28:42
S4: thanking God that you're blind, but thanking God that there
28:45
S4: are a lot of other things in your life for
28:47
S4: which you can give thanks. And so asking him to
28:52
S4: use your present situation and use you in the present situation.
28:57
S4: Because as Christians, God wants us to be having a
29:00
S4: positive impact on the world. And so our attitude and
29:04
S4: what we do with our time and our abilities or
29:07
S4: our disabilities, uh, you know, God can help us and
29:11
S4: show us how even where we are, he wants to
29:15
S4: use us. And of course, you are a mother or
29:20
S4: a grandmother. And depending on if you have grandchildren, well,
29:25
S4: you are if you're a grandmother, you have grandchildren. Okay. Okay.
29:28
S4: And if they're young, they may have difficulty understanding. You
29:33
S4: know you can't see grandmother. Don't you see the blue?
29:36
S4: Don't you see the yellow? I mean, that would be
29:40
S4: interesting conversations with young with young children, you know. Older
29:43
S4: children have been exposed to the reality of blindness. And
29:47
S4: they're they're a little more, you know, of course, accepting
29:50
S4: of it, even though they don't always know kind of
29:52
S4: how to how to navigate. Do I talk about grandmother's
29:56
S4: blindness or do I not talk about it? But I
29:59
S4: think being open and honest, you know, where you are,
30:02
S4: helps them to be open and honest in their responses
30:05
S4: to you.
30:06
S3: I like what you said about the colors because I think,
30:10
S3: you know, inviting her for Thanksgiving dinner, for example, and
30:13
S3: she sits down at the table. Okay, now everything's okay. Well, no,
30:16
S3: it's not okay. Because now how does she know where
30:20
S3: the food is going to be on her plate? Does
30:22
S3: she get it or does somebody put it there? And
30:24
S3: how does she know where the broccoli salad is, you know,
30:28
S3: all those kinds of things. So being able her vulnerability
30:32
S3: then enables others to come alongside her and to help her.
30:37
S3: And that may be part of the struggle as well.
30:40
S3: I'm not saying this for her, but, uh, you don't
30:43
S3: want to be vulnerable. You don't want to need help.
30:46
S3: You want to do this on your own. And in
30:48
S3: her situation, she can't. So, uh, that's really, I'm very
30:53
S3: grateful for that, uh, that call and that struggle. I
30:57
S3: have another one. And this came into the Bold Steps
31:00
S3: team at Moody Radio. But I want to get your
31:03
S3: take on this, Gary. A mom says my daughter is
31:06
S3: an only child. I raised her on my own from
31:08
S3: the time she was 12. She has now estranged me.
31:13
S3: It was a year in June. She's 27. She's married.
31:17
S3: I walked her down the aisle. She is my life.
31:22
S3: I have reached out with no response from her or
31:25
S3: her husband as to why. He has only said that
31:28
S3: she will reach out when she is ready. We were
31:31
S3: best friends when she got married. She started to change.
31:35
S3: I'm not a perfect mom by any means, but I
31:38
S3: worked two jobs to provide for her. We had disagreements
31:41
S3: and didn't always see eye to eye. Just like any family,
31:44
S3: I've always tried to lead by good example. Never did drugs,
31:47
S3: never smoked, drank once in a while, but nothing crazy.
31:51
S3: I know my relationships with men weren't always the best,
31:55
S3: but I would always tell her I want more for her.
31:59
S3: I haven't always will continue to be here for her.
32:02
S3: I don't know what to do. What does God say
32:04
S3: about estrangement? Will I hear from her again? I need peace, direction,
32:10
S3: and to feel loved and to know everything will be okay.
32:15
S3: What do you say?
32:16
S4: Well, first of all, I feel for this mother. Because
32:21
S4: any time we have children, adult children who cut us off,
32:26
S4: as it were, from their world, and refused to talk
32:30
S4: with us or to see us. It is extremely painful because,
32:35
S4: as she says, she invested so much of her own
32:39
S4: life in the life of this daughter and working and
32:42
S4: providing for her and all of that. And so you
32:47
S4: have to feel her pain. You know, the answer, of course,
32:53
S4: is different for different individuals. I have no idea. And
32:57
S4: apparently she has no idea as to why her daughter
33:00
S4: has cut her off. She does mention the caller mentions
33:05
S4: that in her own life she has not been an example.
33:10
S4: She didn't use that word, but I think that's what
33:12
S4: she was saying and how she has related to men.
33:15
S4: And I don't know exactly. You know what that means,
33:18
S4: but that may be a part of the of her
33:22
S4: daughter's response, I don't know that maybe she's seen her
33:26
S4: mother do what she felt was wrong, or maybe knew
33:29
S4: was wrong, and she doesn't want to be influenced by
33:34
S4: that and that her way, one of her ways is
33:36
S4: cutting her off and just not being around her. Uh,
33:40
S4: because she's married now and she wants to have a
33:43
S4: good marriage. And so I don't know what's going on
33:46
S4: in the mind of her adult daughter as to why
33:50
S4: she would make this step. But I do think as parents,
33:55
S4: we have to give our adult children freedom. You do
33:59
S4: remember that the prodigal son also left home and cut
34:04
S4: his father off after his father gave him his inheritance.
34:09
S4: Before he before he died, he gave him his inheritance
34:12
S4: and he wasted it in riotous living that his father
34:16
S4: did not go out and try to find him and
34:18
S4: bring him back. He prayed for him. I think the
34:21
S4: Bible doesn't say that, but I think he prayed for
34:23
S4: him and he kept the farm going so that when
34:26
S4: God brought His Son to the end of the road
34:30
S4: in a hog pen, when he was feeding hogs and
34:32
S4: eating some of the meat, some of the things he
34:35
S4: fed the hogs, he, that adult son came to the
34:38
S4: place where he said, I need to go home and
34:42
S4: I need to talk to my father, and I need
34:44
S4: to tell him that I'm unworthy to be his son,
34:47
S4: but I need to see if he'll give me a
34:48
S4: job on the farm, you know? So we have to
34:52
S4: pray that God will work in the heart of our
34:55
S4: adult children and bring them to the place that they
34:58
S4: will desire to have contact with us. And I don't
35:02
S4: know how long that son was gone, but I do
35:05
S4: know in today's world, I have dealt with people where
35:08
S4: their daughter and sometimes their son also has cut them
35:12
S4: off for several years. And that's very, very painful. And
35:17
S4: every time they would send a message to them, a
35:19
S4: text or a letter or there's never any response from them.
35:23
S4: And so we have to give them the freedom. You know,
35:26
S4: it's their choice. It's very painful for us. But listen,
35:29
S4: God is still with you and he wants to help
35:33
S4: you make the most of your life where you are now.
35:38
S4: And maybe you don't have an influence at this point
35:41
S4: on your daughter, but you can have a positive influence
35:44
S4: on other people. And so you ask God, what do
35:47
S4: you want to do with my life at this point,
35:50
S4: rather than just living in despair? You know, for months
35:53
S4: and months, look for what God would have you do
35:57
S4: with your life at this point, and continue praying for
36:01
S4: your daughter, your daughter that God will work in her heart.
36:04
S3: I think of our featured resource today, the book by
36:07
S3: Stu Epperson. Thanks living for her. You know, she can't
36:11
S3: be thankful that her daughter is estranged now, but she
36:15
S3: can be thankful for exactly what you were talking about. God,
36:18
S3: thank you for being close to me, you are near
36:22
S3: to the brokenhearted. So there is a way that you
36:25
S3: change that. Intentionally change that attitude of your own heart. Yes,
36:31
S3: you can lament this broken relationship, but you can also
36:35
S3: be thankful for God who stays closer than a brother.
36:39
S3: You know, is that that ever close friend, that book
36:42
S3: is titled Thanks Living by Stu Epperson. You can find
36:45
S3: out more about it at Building relationships.us. Gary, here's another
36:50
S3: response call that I think is going to encourage someone
36:53
S3: listening who might be dealing with depression in their family.
36:58
S8: Hi, Gary, I'm calling about a, um, it was a
37:02
S8: dear Gary back in April, and it was a man
37:04
S8: calling about his wife who suffered from depression, uh, years ago. Um,
37:09
S8: I suffered from depression when my children were very small. Um,
37:12
S8: I had always suffered from depression even before my kids.
37:15
S8: And my husband was working hand in hand with God
37:19
S8: in helping me get through it. He. He would let
37:22
S8: me just go and be in it. He wouldn't try
37:25
S8: to fight against it. And so he taught me how
37:28
S8: to pray through it. When I would be in my room,
37:32
S8: not able to get out of bed, not able to
37:34
S8: do anything, um, he would teach me to just say, Lord,
37:40
S8: I might be in this room by myself. Um, and
37:44
S8: the enemy might be trying to use this against me,
37:47
S8: but Jesus is here with me and he is between
37:50
S8: me and Satan. And that got me through. And that
37:55
S8: taught me, um, the love of Christ. And a couple
37:58
S8: of years later, I came to know Christ and give
38:02
S8: my life to him. And our marriage is a gift
38:06
S8: from God. Our life now is a gift from God.
38:10
S8: We are a very happy family. I haven't suffered from
38:13
S8: depression in many, many years. Our children have grown up
38:17
S8: without knowing a mom in their older years of knowing
38:23
S8: a mom, not suffering, but knowing a mom that is
38:27
S8: light and salt to the world because of the love
38:32
S8: of my husband during those hard times. And he was
38:35
S8: Jesus to me. So I encourage that husband to be
38:41
S8: that to his wife and she will make it through.
38:45
S8: Thank you. Bye bye.
38:47
S4: Oh, Chris, I'm so grateful that she called because that
38:52
S4: person and any other person that's listening, that has a
38:55
S4: spouse that has depression needs to hear what this lady
38:59
S4: just shared. You know, in marriage, whatever one of us
39:04
S4: is going through, individual is going through spouse. We're there
39:09
S4: with them. And our question if we're spouse to someone
39:12
S4: who is depressed is, Lord, how can I best serve
39:16
S4: them at this point? And yes, we're praying that God
39:19
S4: will bring them through it, but we want to know
39:21
S4: how can I best serve them? And one of the
39:24
S4: things I heard her saying was he gave her the
39:26
S4: freedom when she was just. She couldn't talk to anybody
39:31
S4: just to be alone. But he also really encouraged her
39:35
S4: to talk to God because God is always there, and
39:39
S4: God wants to walk with us through that. Everything. I mean,
39:42
S4: the scriptures are so clear on that. He won't. He
39:45
S4: is with us and we want to acknowledge him. And yes,
39:49
S4: we want to pray that he will bring us through
39:53
S4: this and bring us out on the other side. But
39:55
S4: we want to enjoy his presence with us as we're
39:58
S4: suffering going through that depression. So being understanding and being
40:03
S4: there to encourage them to, to, to not acknowledge God.
40:08
S4: And of course, she said later she came to give
40:10
S4: her life to Christ. So apparently she wasn't a Christian
40:12
S4: even before that. But when a, when a spouse is
40:16
S4: Understanding rather than condemning, because it's easy for a spouse
40:20
S4: to say to a depressed spouse, well, you need to
40:22
S4: snap out of this. I mean, it's not all that bad,
40:24
S4: you know? What's your concern about it's not all that bad.
40:27
S4: You need to snap out of it now. I'm getting
40:29
S4: tired of this. Well, you make it worse, you know.
40:34
S4: Now they've got something else to be, you know, depressed about.
40:37
S4: So we're there to be loving them in the midst
40:40
S4: of their depression. That's what God does. And we're God's
40:44
S4: human instruments. If we're married to suffer with our spouse
40:49
S4: and to walk with them through the pain and the
40:52
S4: hurt that's there, and not condemn them and not preach
40:55
S4: to them. If you need to do this and you
40:57
S4: need to do that. So, uh, this, this caller is
41:01
S4: an encouragement to anyone who has a spouse that's going
41:05
S4: through depression.
41:07
S3: You said earlier that money, finances. It's our money. It's
41:11
S3: not your money. My money. And it's the same here.
41:15
S3: The problems are not your problem. You need to be fixed.
41:18
S3: It's our problems. And that husband that she's talking about
41:22
S3: just walked beside her, didn't try to fix her overnight
41:26
S3: or didn't get frustrated. You know, I'm getting tired of this.
41:28
S3: Like you said, just walk with her, encouraged her and
41:33
S3: pointed her in a good direction. And it sounds like
41:36
S3: he didn't say, you know, if you don't get over
41:39
S3: this by next week, you know, uh, and none of
41:43
S3: that and look at what has happened in her life.
41:45
S3: She said her, her children and this is not a prescription.
41:50
S3: You can't say that everybody's life is going to turn
41:52
S3: out this way. I don't think she was saying that,
41:55
S3: but she was saying the thing that brought her through
41:57
S3: this was his care, his compassion, and walking beside her. Right.
42:02
S4: Yeah. Because when we're when we're depressed, Chris, we don't
42:06
S4: need somebody to put us down and tell us we
42:08
S4: got to snap out of it and all that sort
42:10
S4: of thing, that just makes it much worse because it's communicating.
42:13
S4: I don't understand you. And we don't we don't if
42:16
S4: you if you've never had depression and suffered from depression,
42:19
S4: you don't understand it. And we we can't we can't
42:22
S4: understand something fully. We haven't been through. But to say, honey,
42:26
S4: I'm with you. I want you to know I'm with you.
42:29
S4: I'm going to stand with you. And if you think
42:32
S4: of anything I can do that would help you. I'm
42:34
S4: open to doing it. But in the meantime, I want
42:37
S4: you to. If you if you feel depressed and you
42:39
S4: just need to stay in bed, then you stay in bed.
42:42
S4: But remember, God is with you in bed. And you
42:45
S4: can talk to God in in bed because he just
42:48
S4: wants to walk with you. He's going to be with
42:49
S4: you and I'm going to be with you. And we,
42:53
S4: and we, we're going to come through this. We're going
42:55
S4: to come through this, not you're going to come through this.
42:57
S4: We're going to come through this.
42:58
S3: Yes. And that's what she said. That's how she ended.
43:01
S3: She ended with that note of hope. It's like she's
43:04
S3: going to get through this. And she was saying that
43:06
S3: because that that was her experience. Uh, I don't we
43:10
S3: don't have time to be fair to another caller. So
43:12
S3: can we just stop here? Would you pray for the
43:15
S3: the couples going through some kind of a marital struggle
43:19
S3: like we've heard in this hour, and maybe it's depression.
43:22
S3: We just pray for those couples listening today.
43:25
S4: Surely, father, you know who's listening to this program today.
43:32
S4: And you know those who are struggling in their marriage
43:35
S4: and what they're struggling with. And we know that we're
43:39
S4: all imperfect and we all live in a sinful world,
43:42
S4: in a fallen world. And I pray that wherever they
43:46
S4: are in the journey, they will recognize, first of all,
43:51
S4: that you are the source of all help. And that
43:54
S4: doesn't mean, father, we know that you heal all of
43:57
S4: us on every moment just because we ask to be healed.
44:00
S4: We know, but we know, father, that as we walk
44:03
S4: through whatever, whether it's a physical or an emotional or mental,
44:08
S4: whatever the struggle that you want to walk with us
44:10
S4: through that and that you're going to walk with us
44:13
S4: through that and that our relationship with you is so important.
44:17
S4: And I pray, father, for every husband and every wife
44:20
S4: who may be living with a spouse, who is going
44:23
S4: through some difficulty in these areas, that you would help
44:27
S4: them to be your representative and to stand there with
44:32
S4: them without condemnation, but with a heart of love, with
44:36
S4: an openness to do whatever they can, and to let
44:39
S4: them know that you are with them and that God
44:42
S4: is with them, and that we are going to come
44:45
S4: through this. Father, give them that heart, that attitude. I
44:51
S4: pray this for your glory and for their good. In
44:55
S4: the name of Christ, Amen.
44:57
S3: Amen. Well, thank you for these calls here this hour.
45:02
S3: Your vulnerability is kind of the secret sauce because you're
45:07
S3: helping other people with your struggles. So if you want
45:09
S3: to ask a question of Doctor Chapman, write the number down.
45:12
S3: Give us a call 1866424. Gary (866) 424-4279. And when you
45:23
S3: go to building relationships.us you'll see our featured resource, the
45:27
S3: book we've been talking about this hour by Stu Epperson. Thanks.
45:30
S3: Living embracing the power of gratitude every day. Again, go
45:35
S3: to building relationships.us.
45:38
S4: And next week. How can newlyweds love their first year
45:43
S4: of marriage?
45:44
S3: Mike Novotny provides some great guidance on that in one week.
45:48
S3: A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick
45:51
S3: and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is
45:54
S3: a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with
45:58
S3: Moody Publishers, a Ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.