Latest / iRefresh Podcast / Navigating Family During Holidays | Cindy Palen | EP 117

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Navigating Family During Holidays | Cindy Palen | EP 117 · iRefresh Podcast

• 0:03
  Cindy Palin, we are so glad you can join us for a live episode. Give us your credentials because sometimes I have made a mistake because we've had you a few times. But you know what? The other thing is your list of credentials are growing as you are continually adding to the back of your name.
• 0:19
  Yes. So I'm a licensed associate counselor in Arkansas. That's probably the simplest way to do it. And I work with all kinds of clients, but really my focus here on this program and on our last podcast that we did was on young adults, adolescents. So it's kind of what I'm going to talk about today. That's awesome. When you reached out to me, when you were starting to talk to me about what is it that we can do in navigating being with family?
• 0:48
  for various times, whether it's holidays or different events. I would love for you to give us the help to be able to have a place of peace when we're with our loved ones. It's just interesting. It was about two nights ago, but I was one of those middle of the night times where I just felt God told me, you know what, this is what people need to hear right now.
• 1:09
  going into holidays, but just family gatherings. We're always getting together. And I've spent the last month counseling my college student clients to get prepared to go home for a month because it's different and it's hard. And I just, I really felt that leading. And that's kind of when I reached out with this topic because whether you're an adult child that's 20 or an adult child that's 35, sometimes when we go home,
• 1:37
  to our families, we feel like a kid again, and we're treated like a kid. And there's always that question of how do I get out of that role that you've put me in? And I just was thinking today about ways that we can make our gatherings more Christ-like. We can share more grace, more love with one another, and
• 1:59
  sometimes in family gatherings, we take down all our filters. You know, we go to church Christmas party and we're so polite and kind and never say a mean thing about anyone and our work. We're the same way, but we get home and, you know, we treat our children or our parents. It goes both ways with just saying things that we would never say to another adult. And so that's what one of the
• 2:29
  I'm going to say this to my 25 year old daughter. Would I say this to my friend, Janet? That's good. And so I think that's good to know because I, you know, we might say, Hey, are you really going to have three roles to our kid? Or are you wearing that? I mean, we just don't think about it. And so our filters are kind of gone and then that hurts. It really hurts.
• 2:57
  And that stays with us so much longer than that moment of just throwing out our thoughts of, and I love that you're saying, you're talking about being proactive, like before you even go into that space of maybe learning how to control our thoughts, because we can, if we're thinking ahead of time of what to say and what not to say, which I have already done that. And then I've had a relapse, but like, well, wait a minute, I must regroup.
• 3:26
  Yeah, there's always grace and forgiveness. But I think sometimes coming into our families, there's the sins of our childhood that just stick, you know, I mean, even with siblings, it's the the child who's always late. Oh, he's going to be late. You know, here he is 35. He hasn't been late in a long time, or the clown or the klutzy one or. So I think giving grace to our kids and not seeing them as they were when they were 8, 10, 12.
• 3:56
  oftentimes pre-redeemed souls, you know, I look at my childhood and I was so selfish, you know, I was a selfish little bratty sister. And I don't want to be that when I get together with my family, but sometimes in family environments, that's how, you know, the older people in the family see us.
• 4:16
  So if we can just monitor that and know that these are adults and they're worthy of equal adult respect and not treating them like a child, that's kind of how we think. And you're right, though. When you talk about it, you were not giving each other when you talk about grace, but we're not even giving each other the benefit of changing over time to the better of. And sometimes it's our own idiosyncrasies. I know that even with myself, the older I get, I'm like.
• 4:45
  oh, I think I'm coming like my mother with certain things. And they weren't necessarily bad, but I think we also have to realize we all may be evolving. And so putting labels on what we used to be, we're not really giving each other the credit that we're all being transformed. If we're as believers, we're supposed to be renewed and being transformed by the renewing of our minds all the time with this word. And I think that that's one of the things that's a good reminder as you're talking about
• 5:15
  We're putting old labels on ourselves, even whether we were when we were young to when we're old. And we need to give maybe some allowances for that change in our lives. All of us, we need to think of that. So that's good. Good points.
• 5:30
  Yeah. And we know each other so well. We're in these family environments or we think we do. And so sarcasm and joking comes out and sometimes that can be really hurtful. You know, I mean, just to say things that maybe you don't mean and to say, sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Boy, that's hard to do. And that doesn't happen enough in these situations. Very good.
• 5:53
  All families have roles. We do. We have the scapegoat. We have the. And so when I talk to young adults that are going home, a lot of times they'll say, I don't know why I do it. I keep a clean house at home. I clean up after myself and I go home and I just resort to all these childish behaviors. So it's on both ends.
• 6:12
  And so I kind of have this metaphor, so to speak, that I like to think about. And it's there. There is a role. So let's say that your role is the dog of the family, just to put something out there.
• 6:26
  People are going to get you the water bowl. They're going to pet you. They're going to say you're cute. You can't change what other people do to you or how they treat you, but you can change how you react to that. Do you roll over and do the dog things?
• 6:42
  Or do you decide, you know what, I'm not going to play that role this time. This time going home, I'm going to play the mature adult that I've been playing for these three years at college, and I'm not going to play the dog. And so you have to respond differently when people try and put you in that category of the late one or the clumsy one or the whatever it is. You have to change the way you respond. So that might look like I mentioned food because I hear that so much. Parents are on their kids about what they eat.
• 7:12
  That was true.
• 7:15
  through the buffet line as a young adult and you know, your, your mom or whomever, aunt, you know, so-and-so is criticizing that, well, aren't you going to eat more vegetables? Well, do you not eat salad? Um, and then put the bread down as that adult child, you can respond like you would have as a kid and be snarky back, or you can think, what would I do if I were to work function? And one of my coworkers said that to me. Hmm.
• 7:45
  I would first think, wow, that was really inappropriate. But second, I would probably respond with grace and go, yeah, not a big fan of salad and move on.
• 7:58
  You can't change what people say, but you can change your reaction. So on both ends, we need to just be aware, kind of filter our manners that we would have for other people and our respect that we sometimes don't have for those that we love the most. That's so good. I think, you know, there's an assumption when your family, you'll never leave each other. But I think you've probably dealt with people where there has been literally severed relationships and families where they don't get together any longer because.
• 8:28
  I think that allowance, I think we'll always get together so we can just say whatever. And there's the grace to forgive, but we don't ever talk about it. And we actually don't go through that process of forgiveness. And yet it's such a powerful tool. And what you said is so true. But I think if we got in that habit to just do it one time, the power of what you're saying is being quick to say, you know, my bad. I did not mean to say that. That's my old self. And that's not who I am.
• 8:56
  I think those would really ignite some great unity and forgiveness in the dynamics of the family. Yeah. And just before we close, I'll give you one other tool because that's a great summary, Cheryl, of what we're trying to say here. But so this is kind of a fill in the blank that I love to use with all relationships. It's not just families, husband and wife. This one's a good one, too. But it's when you blank. So something that someone does that bothers you or hurts you or whatever.
• 9:26
  I feel blank and you're putting in how you feel when that happens. And then I blank and that's the action. So I'll give you an example or two of how that works. But instead of just saying, you're always doing this to me, you, you know, never start a sentence with you. If you don't want to fight. Yeah, it's pointing the finger. So if let's take this food example.
• 9:57
  It hurts me and it makes me feel like I'm never good enough. And no matter what I do, I won't please you. And it makes me not want to come home. It makes me dread vacations and breaks when I'm home.
• 10:11
  And boy, you know, for a parent, we don't want to hear that. Right. And we think, oh, wow, that's good for me to know. That is good for me to know that that's how you feel. Now, that's the righteous response. Sometimes we get defensive. But if we think about it, that's good to know. So when you blank, I feel blank. And then I action. So that's really good. Now, I would have to ask you.
• 10:39
  When your clients have used that, have they had good responses to that? Or like you said, or do the people get defensive when they're at least being truthful and lovingly trying to say, this is how it makes me feel when this is said?
• 10:56
  It goes both ways, but the freedom comes for someone being able to communicate what they need to someone. So whether it's received well or not, we hope it's received well, but sometimes it isn't. But there is power in just being able to say it. And so that's where your point is in working with your clients is really giving them a voice. Mm hmm.
• 11:18
  Yeah. And to communicate feelings because we usually have defense mechanisms and then we're just this tension in the room. That is so good. Those kind of things that you are giving us are very helpful to really, instead of pointing the finger, is we're learning to identify, well, how does that really make my feel? Because I don't think on both sides, as you identify it, I'm sure you have to help people. Well, how do you feel? And you're like, well, no one's ever asked me that.
• 11:46
  So I think those are really great openers for people to really begin to source out the emotions and identify them and so that they can in turn communicate them. That's really good. Yeah.
• 11:59
  And just to finish Colossians 4, 6, that's kind of my verse for this. Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how to answer each one. So if there's one takeaway, it would just be let our speech be seasoned with grace all the time, but especially when we get together with family. Excellent job. Thank you so much, Cindy, for sharing. Very, very helpful. And I know that that will be a real blessing. And actually, it'll be very fantastic.
• 12:27
  peaceful time when we're with our loved ones. Yes. All right. Thank you.