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Delivering Happiness with Nick Turturro: Chris Distefano · Delivering Happiness with Nick Turturro

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: It's good, nice and spicy. There was a guy two
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: blocks away.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: Oh, Nick Totoro? How you doing?
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: What's up, cuz? What you doing, buddy? What's up, man?
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: I'm Chris.
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: A Mets fan, right?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I am a Mets fan, yeah.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: Guess it on your mouth.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Sorry, it's a little jizz. You're eating on the street?
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: I'm eating on the street over a garbage can. A
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: whole pie? The doctor said I have 300 cholesterol, so
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: I thought this would be good.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: You need some company?
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: I love some company. Come on.
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: I'll break bread with you. Why not? Nice Italian guy.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: I got a whole pie, yeah. Yeah. Got it all
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: over my chin and face.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Let me get you a napkin.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, please, yeah.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: You know, I'm an owner here.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Really?
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, let me get a napkin.
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: Amazing.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Good, I like that.
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: I like to see the Italians owning the pizzerias again.
• 0:45
  Speaker 3: All these fucking Albanians buying all the pizzerias in New York.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Napkins!
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: I like Albanian people, but stay away from my pizza.
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: I like that Nick owns Prince Street Pizza. I really
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: like that.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Small owner. He's a small owner of Prince Street Pizza.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: Oh, it is.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, good.
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: What's the number one pizzeria in New York City right now?
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Prince Street Pizza. Prince Street Pizza.
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: A lot of people talk about Mama Two's, and I say,
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: fuck that. That's the one John Totoro owns. I'm about
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: Nick Totoro.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: Thank you, Chris.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: Thank you, yeah.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: I heard that.
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I was saying, I'm about, you know, I'm about
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: you and what you do, and this is great. I
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: love Prince Street Pizza.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: They got one in L.A. Do you all, a little
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: bit of an owner of the one in L.A.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: Too? No, no, but I'm like an ambassador out there.
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: That's how it started. I would show up at these openings.
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: And they'd say I was good luck, I was good luck,
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: and then we got to know each other.
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: And then I said, I want to get more involved,
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: and they were like.
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I was saying it's good to have Italians
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: owning the pizzerias again because a lot of Albanians are
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: coming in trying to own the pizzerias. Now, I don't
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: have anything bad to say about Albanian people because they're psychos.
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: So I don't need an Albanian guy to see this
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: and then they show up at my comedy show with
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: a chainsaw because I.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: Disrespected the Albanian name.
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: I love Albania, the country of Albania, the people of Albania,
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: but stay out of the pizza. I want guys like
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: Nick Totoro and other Italians owning the pizzerias.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: That's all.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we got a famous rapper who's named Gashi.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: Gashi?
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: You heard of this guy? He's an owner, too.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: And he's Albanian?
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: He's an Albanian.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Oh, okay.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: He's pretty big, too.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: I believe. Well, you know what? You got Gashi. I
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: got Action Bronson. He's Albanian. I know him. He'll beat
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: you up in shorts. That guy wears cargo shorts 12
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: months a year. Yeah, he's tough, Action. That's what it is, yeah.
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: How do you know him?
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: This guy doesn't know.
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: You can always tell a person who has no idea
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: what the fuck is going on.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: New York guys, right? You could always just tell.
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: Like I look at a guy like that, he's just
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: so lost.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: He has no idea what's happening.
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: He's the kind of guy, like in a situation, like
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: if there was a shootout right now, he'd be the.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: First to go.
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: You know like some people, they're just the first to go?
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: Like he's just looking around like an asshole. You're like,
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: this guy's going to get killed immediately. He almost got
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: hit by a pigeon, Nick Nick. This thing just fucking
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: almost landed on your son's hair bun.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: Like, it was close.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: What would you be?
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: What do you mean?
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: I mean, if there was a shootout, what's your reaction?
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Dude, I'm not going to be the first to go.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: I'll tell you what. I'm the guy, though, just to
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: preserve my own thing, I'd.
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: Hide behind you. I'm the guy who I would hide.
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: I would hide, and I would hide, and I'd negotiate. Yeah.
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: I'm the guy, like I did comedy shows in the
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: Middle East last year. I was the guy that said,
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: if I get into any kind of trouble, I'll submit
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: to Allah temporarily just to get the fuck out of
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: the country. Really?
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: So then I'll rip off the hajib.
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: You'll do whatever it takes.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: I'll do whatever it takes. You've got to survive.
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: I'm just trying to survive until my youngest kid turns 18.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: Are you curious?
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: Like when you see, like I'm a bit of a...
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: What do you call that, a voyeur?
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: A voyeur, yeah, you're voyeuristic.
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I always like, I'm always looking around. Like one
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: time it got me in trouble when I was a
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: young kid.
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah, because you want to, what I like to do
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: is I like to take in scenarios and I like
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: to think about what was this street like 250 years ago?
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: You ever do that?
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: You go into history?
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean?
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: Like just George, imagine George Washington eating Prince Street pizza
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: with fucking wooden teeth. Yeah.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: How unbelievable that would be? I don't know.
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: No. Yeah.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: How far did you get in school?
• 3:52
  Speaker 4: Me?
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: A little college.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: You got to a little college?
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Dude, I would have never fucking thought that. It's amazing.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: A little college is nice.
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: Oh, I mean, I'm more, I'm smart in a different way.
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: Smart in a different, I like that.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: You know, they pass me along, but they always, they
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: thought I had potential.
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: But I was like half, I was half really, I
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: don't want to say. But I was like, oh, yeah,
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: it's not a good word.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: You can bleep it out. I would say half mentally.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: That's the appropriate way to focus. This fucking guy knows
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: what you're talking about. What's up, buddy? There's another one.
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: I didn't really.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: But there's another fucking.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: They would say they would say Nick. Nick has potential.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: You know, and they pass me along.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: Like in the first grade, I used to run out
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: of school every day.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: For a whole year.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: And my father tied me to my chair.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: Him and my brother, in front of the whole class.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: John Totoro used to beat you like that?
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: No, not John, my brother Ralph.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I was going to say, John's not the kind
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: of guy to do that.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: No, no, my brother's more like.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: Guy's fucking Franz Kafka.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: He's caring.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: He's intense in a different way.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: He's intense in a different way. See, you wiped me,
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: now I'm going to get you, cuz.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: All right, man.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: See, you got something on here.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: What kind of Italian are you?
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: So, I'm the Italian that's mostly not Italian. My last
• 4:57
  Speaker 3: name's DiStefano. I presented myself as Italian. I thought I
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: was fully Italian.
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: You're half Irish.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Half Irish. Ready for this? Even crazier. I have a
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: little bit of Irish, mostly German.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: German?
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm from Ridgewood, Queens.
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: Big time German neighborhood.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: Really?
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: Yep, old school. And the problem with my generation... Who's German? Mother?
• 5:15
  Speaker 3: Mother and fathers and my father's mother.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: Wait a minute, you got the name DiStefano.
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: Right, because my father's father was Italian.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: So you're only a quarter Italian.
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: I'm the little, the most minuscule part of me is Italian,
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: but the last name.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but that name is very Italian.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: It is very Italian, but I- Christopher? But look at my-
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: What's your name? Christopher DiStefano.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: You got nice cheekbones.
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: That's, yeah, that's what they, but German people, but I
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: also could, I.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: Look a little fucking, you know what I mean?
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: You could be like a Swede or a German.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: Right, 100%. Yeah, but still. Right.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: The name and the look, you got good hair.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: Thank you, I appreciate that.
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: You got a Puerto Rican girl.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: I got a Puerto Rican wife, yeah. Yeah. Now what is,
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: now what are you, you're Italian full?
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, on paper, I'm Italian.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: Right, paper, we got a little Latino in you, right?
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, we got a little Latino in us, yeah.
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: Right, right, right.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: But we're Bades and Sicilian.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: Right, mostly Sicilian.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: No, half Sicilian.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: Half Sicilian.
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: Half Bades, but I look more like a Sicilian. I
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: look like a mixed guy.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: You look full Sicilian, yeah, and you got multiple chains on.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: Because when I saw people there... I saw people that
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: looked like me.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: Because growing up, people thought I was Puerto Rican, they
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: thought this, they thought that.
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: Sure.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: I always looked, I was, my mother looked Irish.
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: But I was always on the dark side.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: Right, you're always on the dark side, yeah. No, but
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: you look good now, now, and you, and you, look
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: at this fucking truck.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: How do you like the pepperoni?
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: Dude, are you kidding me?
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: I've eaten these, do you know how many stomach ulcers
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: I've eaten through with these? Because I, you know, I
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: got a bad stomach, but I still eat the spicy pepperoni,
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: it don't matter.
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: Oh, we got something in common.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: What happened?
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: Oh, I got a bad stomach too.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: But you eat through it. For years. Right.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: What do you got, IBS?
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: IBS, fucking, I got everything, dude. You got a lot
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: of stuff, right?
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: Have you had diverticulitis?
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: No, not yet, but that's coming.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: That's bad.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: You had it?
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: Well, I had it. I had the condition.
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: But thankfully, you know, I haven't had no attacks lately.
• 6:57
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: How old are you? 64. What? Dude, you look fantastic.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: I love it, dude.
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: 64, and you know what I like? You stay true
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: to who you are. You're dressed right now. You got
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: the whole suit on. You got the two chains.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: You like the zucchini?
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: Dude, I like it.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: We're going to get you one. We'll suit you up.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: I would love to do that.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: What are you, a large? Extra large?
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: I'm going to say extra large up top, large at
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: the bottom. I love you on that show.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: Which one? Blue Bloods?
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: Blue Bloods.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah. I was only on a few years.
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: You were a sergeant there, right? That's right.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: That's what it is.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: Say hi to Chris.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: Hey, what's up, man? Chris, how you doing?
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: My name is Carmine, but they.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: You know me as Fat Carmine. Stack? Fat. Fat Carmine,
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: but you lost all the weight now.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but you're not fat no more. You know who's
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: got good heroes if you ever around?
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: Parisi, 198 Mike.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: Parisi?
• 7:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Parisi's fantastic. I know Parisi big time, yeah.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: He's a New York kid.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: Big stand-up.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: I love Parisi, yeah. Nice seeing you, buddy. That's it.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Thank you, brother. That's it.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: All right, buddy.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: That's GLP-1 Carmine. That's who he is. That's his new name.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: He's a... What's up, brother?
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: You know who you look like a little bit?
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: Come on, tell me. Hit me here. A goalie. Right.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: Henry Lundquist.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: Lundquist.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: Holy shit.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: Come on, baby.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm talking about... A Swede. A Swede. A Swede Italian.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: Swede Italian. He ain't some fucking guy.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what it.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: Thank you. Got the dimples, everything. Look at that. I mean,
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: if I was a.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: I gotta get in movies like you. With a face
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: like this.
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: Why not?
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: You got a lot of energy.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm on a.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: I can't even keep up with you.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: Podcasts and stand-up. I gotta get in the fucking movies.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: What do you think of Little Malt?
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: I love Little Moe.
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: One day I'm going to fucking knock him out with
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: a semolina bread.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: That's his shit.
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: I know, but one day I'm going to reverse it
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: on him and I'm going to load up a semolina
• 8:32
  Speaker 3: bread with marbles and fucking crack him over the head.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: I'm telling you, he was here the other day and
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: we're friends. I get exhausted with him.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: You have great energy.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: But his energy is like, he sucks you.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: No, no, no, no.
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: I feel depleted by him.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: His energy.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: He's so funny.
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: His energy is a mental health. His energy is institutionalized energy.
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: He's got an actual psychiatric condition. I'm just having fun
• 8:55
  Speaker 3: with you.
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: I can calm it down.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: He can't turn it off. He's a lunatic.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: How long are you doing the comedy?
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: I started in 2010. So what is it, 15, 16 years?
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: I was a physical therapist. And then I got into
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: stand-up comedy.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: You were a physical therapist?
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: I was, yeah. Actually, I still technically am. I still
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: have my license.
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: Everybody does something. So how do you go from physical therapy.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: I just, I started doing open mics one day.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: How old were you?
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: 25?
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: I was 24 when I started. I got my physical
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: therapy license first part of 24.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: Who gave you, who told you to go do open mics?
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: Who gave you the balls to get up there and
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: do that? Was it something you were thinking about?
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so what happened was, when I was young, so
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: what I would do.
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: Eccentric?
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: Kind of, what I would do a lot. is when I,
• 9:41
  Speaker 3: anytime I would have like any anxiety or like a
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: defense mechanism.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: I would always turn to humor.
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: And my mother would always tell me, you know, you
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: got a sense of humor, you always turn to comedy.
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: And so it was always in my head. But then
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: when I became a physical therapist, and I kind of
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: was like, I went through, because I kept using school
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: as an excuse. I kept saying, oh, I'll start stand-up
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: next year. I got to get through school, I got
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: to get through school. But then I got through school.
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: Then I got my physical therapy license. And now I'm
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: looking down the barrel of my life saying, you can
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: either be a physical therapist for the rest of your life,
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: which is a great career, Or you could take a
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: shot and do stand-up, which you always want to do.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: You know, you got no more time left.
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: So I started to do stand-up at 24, and then
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: I wound up, you know, little by little becoming professional
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: at it. And I still am a licensed physical therapist,
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: but I haven't practiced physical therapy since like 2013. Yeah?
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so I've been doing it.
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: So you started in the clubs?
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: Clubs, yeah, the first place I ever did was this
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: place called the Maui Taco, which is, it's gone now,
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: but I was a fucking taco restaurant in the.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: Back, you know, doing comedy.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: How long was your act?
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: Bombing. Dude, I could barely do six minutes. I couldn't
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: do anything, you know? I was, you know, Maui Taco.
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: What's up, cuz?
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: What's up?
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: Dom.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Hey, Dom.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: Hey, Dom, buddy.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: You ever meet Fat Carmine? Is he a neighborhood guy?
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he was a neighborhood guy.
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: You know him?
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: He said he was fat at one time.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: He told us he was fat.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he's not fat no more.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: He's on Moonjaro now, he looks like.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: His brother's Butchie the Hat.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: Really?
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: That's his brother?
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: What's his brother's name?
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: Oh, Butchie the Hat. He's a neighborhood legend.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: Oh, Butchie the Hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: You've heard of him, right?
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: What?
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: Is he Nogashi, the fucking Albanian guy who owns this?
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: He's a trash Albanian.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: I would say no more Albanians in pizza, only the Italians.
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: Why they whacked out, the Albanians? I grew up in Ridgewood, Queens.
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: A lot of Albanians, right? One of the craziest things
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: that's ever happened, this is a true story. Playing ball,
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: basketball at this park, Farmer's Oval, and we're playing, and,
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: you know, great, the Albanian kids and us always got along, whatever.
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: One of my friends goes up for a layup, gets
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: fouled hard by this Albanian kid, right? They get into
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: a little pushing match, whatever. So this Albanian kid says,
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: I'm coming back with my brothers. Whatever, people say that
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: shit all the time. It's in the heat of the moment.
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: It's fucking August and playing basketball. About 30 minutes later,
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: a truckload of Albanians I swear to God, they had
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: the flag coming down the street in the back of
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: like a Toyota, like with the open back, like the
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: shit you see in ISIS, right?
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: People coming out, full Albanian. One guy starts running after
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: my friend with a chainsaw.
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: Really? Yeah, me and these other, me and everybody took off,
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: ran away. And from that moment on, I said, I
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: don't mess with the Albanians.
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: This don't give a shit, huh?
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: They'll saw your arm off over a bad foul call.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: Holy mackerel.
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah. So I don't mess with the Albanians. I shout
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: out the Albanians all day. I'm good with the Albanians.
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: I love the Albanians.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I got no issues.
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: So you're German and Italian.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: Italian, yeah. German, Italian.
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: But you carry yourself as an Italian.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: As an Italian because it's the New York way. You
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: know what I mean?
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: My father from the Bronx, my mother from Queens, raised.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: My wife's Puerto Rican.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: What's the German name?
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: I'm circumcised. I'm Jewish.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: You're not Jewish.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: I'm not Jewish, but I'm circumcised. So I'm just saying
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: I got a little bit of a.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: Why are you circumcised?
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: They fucking.
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: You're supposed to be Jewish.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: You're not Jewish. You're circumcised, right?
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: I'm not Jewish.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: You're not circumcised?
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: What do you mean I'm not circumcised?
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: You got to be circumcised. All Italians are circumcised. Yeah. Nick, Nick,
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: are you circumcised? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to get clipped.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: What are we doing over here?
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: I mean, you're circumcised.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: Of course, dude. Are you kidding me? I'm fucking loose.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: I got no hat.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: Why'd you say I'm the Jewish?
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: I said I'm circumcised, meaning like it was a Jewish thing. Like, because,
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: you know, because I said I got, I'm Italian. I
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: got a Puerto Rican wife and I'm circumcised. So I'm
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: encompassing New York.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: How'd you meet your Puerto Rican wife?
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: Met her at this place, this bar in Brooklyn called
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: Place to Beach. It was in Coney Island.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: No hipsters, right? Coney Island.
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: And I walked up to her. And she was beautiful.
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: I was intimidated by her. And she goes, I go,
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: what do you do for work? And she goes, I'm
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: a Zumba instructor. And so I told her I was
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: a salsa instructor, which is a lie. And she was like,
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: prove it. And I did not expect that. So then
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: I faked an injury. I said, I can't do it
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: right now, blah, blah, blah. And I got her laughing.
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: And actually, she left the bar that night without giving
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: me her phone number. She wouldn't give me her number
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: for whatever reason. Then like a week later, she messaged
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: me on Instagram saying, and gave me her phone number,
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: but she only gave me six digits. She made me
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: guess the last digit. I went through all nine numbers,
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: texting people, hey, is this Jasmine?
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: Is this Jasmine?
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: People were just writing back, who the fuck is this?
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: She broke my balls.
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: But that was, you know, 11 years ago, and now
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: we got.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: Kids, whole family, you know.
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: So you finally got the number right?
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: I finally got the number.
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: The last digit was zero, but I started at one.
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: I was texting, I started at one, two, three, but
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: it was zero. So it took me about three hours
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: to finally get a response.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: From her, but we got it.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: It was worth it.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: It was worth it, yeah.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: And then the first date, what happened?
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: First date, you know, I took her to one of
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: my comedy shows.
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: That was a stupid idea. I took her to a
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: comedy show at this place, McGuire's, all the way out
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: in Long Island. I bombed in front of her, but
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: I think she felt.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: Bad for me. And she, so she let me go
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: on another date.
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: And then real quick, like, you know, a month or
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: two in, we, you know, started getting real serious. Then she,
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: we conceived our first daughter. And then, you know, so
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: it was like right out of the gate. It was
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: one of those things where like, you know, met this girl,
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: you know, all the people in my life, my friends,
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: my family, everybody was like, you.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: Know, I said, I just met this girl. She's pregnant, whatever.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: And I was like, that's crazy. Don't do it.
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: It's going to, but it was only my father who
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: was like, I think, I think that's the one.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: I know it's nuts.
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: You have a baby with her right away, but I'm
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: telling you there's something about that girl. I think you
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: should do it. And now here we are 13 years later.
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: He was right.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: God bless.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: Oh, thank you.
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: Nick's been coughing. Here's what you guys don't know. I
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: don't know if we'll make the show.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: Nick's been coughing for the last 15 minutes.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: What the fuck? I can't get a word in. But
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: it's all right. It's about him. I want to get
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: to know Chris DiStefano.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: He thought I was half retarded before.
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: Now I think the four of y'all did after meeting you.
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds like me and your dad could have
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: been friends.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: How about this? I'll take them.
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: I want to keep, I still am trying for the
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: life of me to get a sitcom on the air.
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: And I had told Vito this. If we had ever
• 15:44
  Speaker 3: gotten on the air, didn't make it, we were saying
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: you would be the perfect guy to play my dad
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: if you had been interested.
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: Listen, I had two pilots years ago, Chris. Yeah. One
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: with the WB that should have got on the air,
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: didn't get on the air, got me a deal at CBS.
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: And then on CBS I got watered down because, you know,
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: they're a bunch of wusses.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: But you know what?
• 16:03
  Speaker 4: I agree.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: I think you're sitcom material. I think you could do it.
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: I've never seen you act, but I think you could
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: do it. But I could play your dad.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: You could play my dad. You could help me with
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: the acting. Sure. Because you're about 20-something years older.
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: Can you write, too?
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, sure. We've got to write all your stand-up. I've
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: got to write it all, baby. Right.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: Have you acted before?
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: I'm known as Chrissy Pilots, Chrissy One and Done. Either
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: I act in the pilot, it doesn't make it, or
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: I get on, it gets one season, and they tell
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: me to get the fuck.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: Out of there.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: What had one season?
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: The show Benders.
• 16:31
  Speaker 3: It was called on IFC. It was a hockey show.
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: They said it was a guarantee, two seasons, don't worry
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: about it. After the first season, numbers bombed, didn't get on, but.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: Was that a network show?
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, IFC.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, IFC cable.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: You know?
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: But most of my work is stand-up podcasting. That's all right.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: You know, that's what I do.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: I'd do a series with you.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: Well, come on. Why not?
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: One other thing.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: I hear you're a big Met fan.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: Are you Yankees?
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: What do you mean? Am I Yankees? You don't know
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: what kind of Yankee fan I am? No, I know.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: Yes, of course.
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: I know.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: It was a joke.
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: It was a joke? Yeah, yeah. Of course.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: So, are you a hardcore Met fan?
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: So, here's my story, right? So, I know... Here's, because
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: I love.
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: My fandom for sports, specifically, I have unwavering, undying love
• 17:16
  Speaker 3: for the New York Knicks and the New.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: York Giants in football, right?
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: Oh, okay. That's your love.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: These are my love.
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: You upset last night, that debacle?
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it was one of the worst. Hi, how are you?
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: The women like you. They like you.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: Well, too bad I have a wife, and then even
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: if you get through that, I'm actually gay.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: You are.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: I might be with you.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: That's what it is.
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: So what happened was, so, you know, love these teams. Baseball,
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: I always loved.
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: My father's from the Bronx, but I was born and
• 17:48
  Speaker 3: raised in Queens. So I always had my mother wanting
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: to be a Mets fan, but my father's like, this
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: kid's going to be a Yankees fan.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: He's from the Bronx. So I was rooted for the Yankees. Never, ever,
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: ever hated the Mets.
• 17:57
  Speaker 3: Never. Never. But I hated the Red Sox and the Phillies.
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: But I always liked, you know, New York City. I
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: was always about my city first.
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: That's the way I always thought about it. So anyway,
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: the Mets come around.
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: I do a stand-up show, a private show for the
• 18:11
  Speaker 3: owner of the Mets, Steve Cohen, the Cohen family. And
• 18:13
  Speaker 3: we really hit it off. It's a good, we have
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: a fun time. I became friends with their family. The
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: Mets started inviting me, my wife, and my kids to
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: Mets games, treating us like Royalty.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: I mean, the.
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: Cohen family couldn't have been more kind. I mean, the
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: absolute kindest people you can meet. And then the people
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: who were giving me tickets at the Yankee game start
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: to get upset that I'm going to Mets games, start
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: talking shit, start sending me texts.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: And then the big thing was what.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: Happened was I brought... What were the Yankees saying?
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: They were just being like, man, are you a fucking
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: Mets fan now?
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: I'm like, no, I'm going to the Mets games because
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: I'm sitting in a suite with my family. You don't
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: want to do that for me. Not that, I mean,
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: I love going to Yankee games.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: I was appreciative.
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: But this lady's just talking shit. Then she's telling me
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: to delete her number.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: I was like, fuck you. So whatever. But I don't
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: even care. The problem was, is what happened is this.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: What's the problem?
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: We're there with my son. We're on the field at
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: Yankee State. Yankees Mets at Yankee Stadium. I'm with the
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: Cohen family. I'm with the son, right?
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: All of a sudden, my son goes to pick, put
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: his hand in the dirt, right? Just to pick up
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: a little dirt.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: From Yankee Stadium. It's like a speck, like this, right?
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: Security guard comes running over, starts screaming at him. Screaming
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: at him, don't touch the dirt, blah, blah, blah. The
• 19:23
  Speaker 3: Cohen family says, hey, he's with us.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: And that's the new Yankee Stadium.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: That's the new Yankee Stadium.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: Which has no history.
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: Right, there's no security guard screaming. And so the Mets
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: guys are like, tells my.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: Stepson, he's like, listen.
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: I'll give you the fucking mound of dirt from the
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: pitcher's mound at Citi Field and that for me.
• 19:39
  Speaker 4: Because you disrespected the family I was like fuck you
• 19:42
  Speaker 4: I'm done I'm finished and then I heard Juan Soto
• 19:46
  Speaker 4: went to the Mets over the Yankees because of a
• 19:48
  Speaker 4: security guard being an asshole and it was that guy.
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: Really?
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: I'm telling you, it was that guy.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: They're a bit much.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: They're a lot.
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: That's why I don't sit in the legend seats. I
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: don't sit with those rich mummies.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: I don't want to be down there. You sit with
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: Little Mo.
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I sit. Well, I just sit like in the
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: Delta Club. I don't even sit. I stand.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: Stand up, yeah.
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't want to be subjected to that shit.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean? Because I'm a real fan.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: Right, 100%.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: I don't want to be told I can't curse, I
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: can't do that, I can't do that.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: No, no.
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: And that's why, like, sometimes they don't really love me
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: because I'm honest.
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean?
• 20:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: I'm not a celebrity to be there as a celebrity.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: I'm there as a fan.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: No, you're watching the game.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: I'm watching the game.
• 20:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: I'm truly invested.
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: But.
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: They should, you know, change their fucking behavior.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: They really should.
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: That's wrong.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: That's wrong. That's wrong.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: Don't treat people like that.
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: And listen to me, Yankee fan, Yankee stadium owner, whoever
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: that security guard is. You do that to my stepson again,
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: guess who I'm coming down there with?
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: Ghazi and the rest of the Albanians.
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: So we're coming down with Aksha Bronson. Gutsy?
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: Gutsy. Gutsy's coming down and the rest of the Albanians.
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: You don't want to fuck with them. We'll chainsaw your legs.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: Off, you stupid asshole.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, don't fuck with the Albanians.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: That's what it is.
• 20:51
  Speaker 3: All right.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: That was a lot of fun, brother.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: Thank you, man.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: Pleasure. Thank you. Even though you flaked one time. Thank you.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: I know. I'm sorry about that.
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: I heard you flaked.