Latest / All Figured Out with Andrea Barr: Figuring Out Work, Life and Parenting / 20. Valerie Recore on figuring out how to distribute household tasks more evenly at home

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20. Valerie Recore on figuring out how to distribute household tasks more evenly at home · All Figured Out with Andrea Barr: Figuring Out Work, Life and Parenting

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  But it's a moving you from the Post-it.
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  Note, you're leaving on the mirror or the trash that you're
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  letting overflow because you just feel like it's not your
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  turn anymore and you're over it, it's moving beyond that.
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  Way of communication to a let's sit down every Thursday night
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  and have a glass of wine and order takeout and talk about
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  what the next week is going to look like and who's in charge of
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  what, what a golden nugget from my latest guest Valerie week or
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  Valerie. And I come from a similar
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  background, both having worked in Learning and Development in
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  the corporate world, and since becoming a mom and trying to
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  just figure it all out. Valerie actually transitioned
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  into entrepreneurship as she noticed a gap in the
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  productivity space. Specifically for parents,
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  Valerie is a certified fair play Method facilitator who helps
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  families gain, a better sense of control in their days and weeks.
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  So they can spend more time doing things that don't include
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  chores and end their days feeling accomplished in this.
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  Valerie dishes. All of the amazing tips on how
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  to distribute your household load and chores, and things like
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  that more evenly. So you can gain more precious
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  time back, more efficiency, more sanity and to avoid those
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  passive-aggressive comments with your partner or kids about the
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  dishes, we've all been there. The shot was so motivating, and
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  I've taken so many little tidbits away that I was able to
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  implement in my own personal life, since recording this and
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  you're going to walk away with some of those tips that you can
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  start. Today.
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  So get ready to take some notes and they hope you enjoy.
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  You're listening to the all figured out podcast.
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  I'm your host andreea bar as a career coach for parents, a mom
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  and entrepreneur. And someone who spent ten plus
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  years in the corporate world, I still don't have it all figured
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  out and maybe you don't. Either this podcast, I'll share
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  tools and strategies that I use as my clients and in the many
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  areas where I don't have things figured out.
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  I'll be bringing you some amazing guest experts to help us
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  fill in the gaps. So tune in each week as we
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  explore how to make. Career and life decisions that
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  truly work for you, your family and your big goals.
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  Let's make moves. Valarie Kaur.
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  Thank you so much for joining me on the all figured out podcast.
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  I was just telling you often hear how excited I was to chat
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  with you today and how and getting to know what you do, how
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  much I've been thinking about what your advice would be in
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  certain situations in my household.
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  So, without further Ado, I'm so excited for you to introduce
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  yourself and just give a bit of background on product on, you
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  know, productivity in the home and how one becomes an expert in
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  that. And an Spurt in the way that you
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  can actually support others. I'd love to hear your career
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  Journey. Yeah, well, thank you for having
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  me. So yeah, I'm a productivity
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  coach. I'm a productivity specialist
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  and I essentially help moms gain a sense of control.
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  So, help Mom spend more time with their families and then end
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  their days, feeling peaceful or accomplished, knowing that
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  they've done what needs to happen.
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  And they're not sitting there feeling looking at all the
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  things that they did not do. Yeah.
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  So my career Journey would be I worked in mental health, and
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  then corporate training before I had kids.
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  And then, when my now ten-year-old was born, I decided
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  to leave the corporate world was not really interested in.
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  Figuring out how to balance the working full-time and climbing,
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  the corporate ladder while having kids.
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  I always had this idea that working part-time would be
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  brilliant. And so, I started my own
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  business and I started out as a professional organizer and then
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  that over the years morphed into What I do now.
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  So the productivity piece of it. I just really enjoyed working
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  with clients more on their to-do lists and how they were managing
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  their time and their tasks versus organizing their closets.
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  And so that's kind of where how I ended up doing what I do today
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  from there, the last few years of the pandemic.
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  Really? Just brought to light how moms
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  are just struggling and I think the pandemic just crushed moms
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  in a way that That many of us probably knew was happening but
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  really just brought all of that out in the open.
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  And so now I really want to help moms focus on what they do every
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  day. And instead of trying to do all
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  the things focusing on the right things, what are the things that
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  are important to you and your family and your career and
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  whatever goals you have for your own life?
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  And then the the fair play Method is a part of that because
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  I think we get So caught up in all of the day-to-day tasks that
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  it takes to run a household and just function every day with
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  kids, we wonder if there's any time to do anything else because
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  there's always dishes and food prep and cleanup and managing of
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  all of that. I love that.
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  That's, it's so clear. I love the way that you can
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  really articulate that in such a clear way but it's no small
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  feat. Like that's a huge that's a tall
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  order as well before we get into the fair play Method because I'm
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  really excited. To learn more about it myself.
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  And you know what it is? I know you're certified as a
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  facilitator in the fair play Method, but before we do that, I
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  want to hear your experience. You brought up the pandemic and
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  just how in crushed moms in a real way.
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  What was your experience with it?
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  And the schools being closed, all the things like, how did it
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  go for you? Yeah, I to be honest, I think we
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  were very, very privileged in my own household.
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  My husband actually went into the pandemic with my husband
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  unemployed, which was a little nerve-racking, but he was able
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  Find work come part way in there.
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  My kids were how old were they several years ago?
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  I can't keep track of any of that preschool.
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  And first grade, I believe. And so, I felt like our kids
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  were at a really great age to be home with us.
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  They weren't teenagers that we were keeping them from their
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  friends, and they were sneaking out of the house to go be social
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  and they weren't infants. So, if we ask them like, hey,
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  Mom, has a meeting, and dad is also one call.
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  And we really need you to just be quiet for an hour.
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  Or they could do that, they were able to either entertain
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  themselves or just watch TV and be okay.
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  And so we it's and we kept our kids home and remote learning
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  for a couple of years, just for a variety of reasons, but I, we
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  did okay. But it there was a lot as a lot
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  to be home with your family every day, and the dishes, and
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  the laundry, and the mess that my kids could make.
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  I mean, good grief. It is, I don't know why.
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  Still amazes me how quickly kids can just trash space.
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  At one point, we had a designated area for like a play
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  area and my kids, I swear within a couple of days made such a
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  mess of that area. It wasn't.
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  They would climb over stuff to get toys and then take the toy
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  somewhere else. And we're going.
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  Hi, this was where you were supposed to play.
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  Not the dining room floor, but it was such a mess.
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  And so it was just a lot of evaluating regularly of what is
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  working. What isn't working?
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  What space do we need our kids for school?
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  How are we going to work around all of this?
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  What is our business or career? Look like I think I stepped back
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  a little bit in the work I was doing so I could just manage all
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  of that but yeah, it was and then just reading about moms
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  just how many moms were quitting their jobs because it was hard
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  to manage. all of that, which I absolutely Can see how I mean it
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  was exhausting for moms to be home, taking care of all of
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  that. And we probably have a whole
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  other podcast topic on that. I have all these thoughts
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  running through my head of, just like, societal expectations of
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  moms and what we brought on ourselves and where were the
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  dads in all of this, right? Like that was one of my biggest
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  questions was moms are quitting. But what her dad's doing with
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  all of this where we're all in this together and why is it that
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  moms are suffering? And I think that is where the
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  fair Play comes in and sort of what really helped me Focus.
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  My work is we are all in this together.
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  It is not all on Mom's to do everything.
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  We need a lot of community support and structural changes
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  as well as changes within how we function within our households.
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  Hmm, okay. So in simplest terms, what is
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  the fair play method that you felt compelled to go be
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  certified and how'd you come across it?
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  And what is it? Yeah, so I came across the fair
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  play Method somewhere in the middle of the pan.
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  Emic 2020 2021 found I think it was released in 2019 maybe 2020.
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  And so the method itself is a tool for you to have
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  conversations with your partner about all of the tasks that it
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  takes to run your household and there's a deck of cards I think
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  there's something like a hundred cards in this deck.
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  Not all of which are going to be relevant to every situation but
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  gives you big overview of all of the tasks that it could take to
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  do all of this and And it's a, it's a tool for you to sit down
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  with your partner and have these conversations of okay.
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  Who is getting up with her kids in the morning and helping them
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  eat breakfast and get ready, and get out the door for school or
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  who is managing the dishwasher? What is the cleaning?
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  The kitchen look like every night who's taking out the
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  trash? Who's signing your kids up for
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  summer camp, who is Managing communication with the Tooth
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  Fairy and Santa. Like, what does that look like?
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  And, and really defining those roles so that you, as a mom, are
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  not the one managing all of it, you're not spending your days
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  with that, mental load of, okay? I need to do this and this and
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  this and I need to make sure this is taken care of and that's
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  exhausting. And so the tool really helps
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  Provide some equity in the household and get some of that
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  stuff off of your plate. So it's not all I'm you to to do
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  everything is that by virtue of having just even having the
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  conversation just sitting down and just looking at all, that's
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  included in their day-to-day running of the household.
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  Yes. And so, as I'm as I'm talking
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  about this, if you're listening going, I'm not going to sit down
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  with my partner and talk about 100 different tasks, pick one
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  just pick one. And like the one that drives you
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  the most crazy, or the one that feels most important to you were
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  just a random one out of the pile and start there.
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  And you may find going through some of the cards that you
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  already split things pretty well.
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  And the goal is not to get to 50/50.
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  You're not necessarily going to have an even number of cards and
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  those cards aren't going to Change those cards aren't going
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  to be yours forever. So for example, I talked about
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  the dishwasher a lot dishes, come up a lot in my house.
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  I think plenty of us have fought with our partners or roommates
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  over dishes and so my husband, and I split our, our dish
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  washing up or our kitchen work up by the week.
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  So one of us is in charge from for managing the dishes Sunday
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  through Saturday. And then it switches.
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  And so this week happens to not be my week, so he's in charge of
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  the dishes. And so, if the kitchen is a mess
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  and full of dishes, it's not my responsibility.
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  I do not need to plan that into my day.
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  I don't need to worry about it and you can have ground rules
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  what Arab ski the author calls your minimum standards of care.
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  So it might be like the way that we do, it might not work for
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  you. You might need your kitchen
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  cleaned and spotless every night by 9 p.m. you need the dishes,
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  run, Dean you need the counters wipe down, all of that.
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  And I'm not saying that our kitchen is a mess.
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  If one of us isn't dealing with it, there's definitely counter
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  space to prepare all of the meals that our kids need all the
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  time, right? But there's that minimum
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  standard of care, which is an agreed-upon, Level of sort of
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  guidelines for what's going to happen.
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  What does that look like? It might be your trash is taken
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  out every day or it's taken out every Monday by a certain time
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  and then part of that is that task is fully off of your plate.
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  If it's not your your card but yeah it does start with that
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  conversation. Just having that conversation of
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  hey I heard of this tool. Something isn't working for me.
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  Let's talk about this and we're not coming.
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  With the I need you to do this like, passive aggressive, or
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  anger, resentful. Like we want to work through
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  those pieces ahead of time but it's a moving you from the
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  Post-it notes. You're leaving on the mirror or
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  the trash that you're letting overflow because you just feel
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  like, it's not your turn anymore and you're over it, it's moving
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  beyond that. Way of communication to a, let's
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  sit down every Thursday night and have a glass of wine and
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  water. To take out and talk about what
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  the next week is going to look like and who's in charge of what
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  and it gets you on the same team.
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  Instead of the two of you fighting over the dishes, it's
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  the two of you against the dishes.
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  I like that a lot given the context of every, we could also
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  be different. Like, I think, what this does,
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  is it opens a lot of communication for you to say,
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  okay, I have a huge week. Next week, I've got that massive
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  presentation. I know, I'm not going to be my
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  best self. Can we trade off?
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  You know, I wonder like if you that was for you and neck.
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  Was your dishes week, you could be like, hey, can I do to back
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  to back weeks or maybe your husband would be like, don't
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  worry about it. Like, I got next week, it's all
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  good. But you're having those
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  conversations kind of upfront. I think that just makes so much
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  sense. I remember when we originally
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  connected and you brought something up that I haven't
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  stopped thinking about and it's and you would have a more
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  eloquent word of explaining this but it's the peripheral aspects
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  of one of the tasks. So you brought up like the
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  summer kok. Actually what I think when we
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  were talking he brought up hiring a Leaner.
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  So if it's determined that you're like, okay, a cleaner
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  would actually give us so much more time back in our life.
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  It's something that we value. Let's do it.
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  I remember you saying hiring the cleaner is not the end because
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  there are tasks still associated with managing that relationship.
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  Can you speak more to that? Because that was mind blowing
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  for me. Yes, so I think we we talk about
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  Outsourcing. Like, it's this magic solution
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  to a problem. I'm just gonna hire somebody.
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  To clean my house. Like okay and check that's no
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  longer on my list. Forgetting about all of the
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  tasks. It takes to hire that person so
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  you've got to find references. You've got to find maybe you
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  want to meet with two or three different people to get
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  different prices. You got to talk to your friends
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  or a Facebook group to find some of that information get to meet
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  with the people. So now you're setting up that
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  time to meet with them, talk them through the house.
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  What are the tasks you want to under?
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  They going to change your sheets.
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  Do they scrubbed toilets? What does that look like?
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  And then once you find the person, you're hiring that
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  person and then you're managing that as well.
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  So, when is this person coming to the house?
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  What state does the house need to be in?
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  How clean does it need to be right?
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  You get a picnic clean, should say more tidy, right?
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  They're not going to, nobody can mop the floors.
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  If your kids toys are everywhere or wipe down the counters, if
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  there's stuff all over the counter.
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  So what is the state of the house before they come?
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  Who's paying it for the who's paying them?
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  How does that? If you're managing that
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  relationship. So it's not just just hire a
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  house cleaner, it's a piece of cake, get it off your plate.
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  There are still steps associated with that and you might decide
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  in the long run that taking those steps are easier, is
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  easier than cleaning the house yourself.
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  You may just decide this is going to be worth it for the
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  next six months. We're just going to see how this
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  goes and manage that relationship.
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  What happens if they don't show up, or there's all of That that
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  piece of that or just hire some teenager to come, hang out with
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  your kids after school, it'll be easy.
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  And like there's, we forget that the Outsourcing piece comes with
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  a bunch of tasks associated with it.
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  And so remembering that it's not just this easy solution to Get
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  that off your plate. Mmm.
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  And so in the fair play Method is not about the say, looking at
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  everything, every task has a card and and you have three
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  cards that I have three cards. It's probably I imagine some of
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  those cards are smaller in nature and larger nature like
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  managing and nanny. For instance, it's a quite a big
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  responsibility. It's not the same as who's doing
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  the dishwasher every day is that kind of, is that also taken into
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  consideration. Yeah, so there's and there's a
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  couple of pieces in there. So we're not looking for 50/50
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  with a card. Because when things change so
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  the what you've caused The Daily Grind, those are the tasks that
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  just have to happen. Every day to keep your house
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  functioning, you all have to eat, groceries have to be but
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  bills paid dishes food, all of that needs to happen every day
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  and it shouldn't always fall on the same person to make that
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  happen. And so making sure that you're
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  talking about those in a way that that's it.
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  Equitable and whatever makes sense for your family.
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  So hey, I've got a really busy week this week.
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  I have to be at work early, these three days I'm going to
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  need you to just deal with the kids in the morning.
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  We're going to have that conversation or your example
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  earlier this big presentation. I'm going to be really
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  distracted, can you? Please work on this task and
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  you're fully handing, over that task to that person for a
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  designated amount of time. Some tasks might take a lot more
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  work. So Planning a birthday party.
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  What does that look like in your household?
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  And who's going to take on planning, that party?
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  And all of the steps? And those you can kind of
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  delegate some tasks to your partner, or other family
• 18:21
  members. But there's one person who is
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  managing all of that and making sure that it's happening.
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  And that's a once the birthday party happens right now that
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  task is over for the time being. And so, yeah, certainly it
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  depends on On the, on the your household and your situation on
• 18:39
  that week, what's important to your family?
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  One of the biggest things that comes into all of this is
• 18:45
  understanding your why behind everything and it gives you.
• 18:50
  So, you might think that talking about taking the trash out,
• 18:54
  isn't really that exciting of a chore, right?
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  So, we'll, of course, the trash just has to be taken up.
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  Somebody has to take it out every Monday because the bed
• 19:02
  needs to go out on Tuesday and that's just done.
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  Like, why are we Talking about this and because there's a, why
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  behind it. Maybe your value of having a
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  house that's clean and a kitchen that doesn't have ants, is
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  important to you. And so it's important.
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  Somebody's taking the trash out on a regular basis.
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  And so, there's the, why behind that with the birthday parties?
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  Maybe you're talking about, do we value?
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  Having lots of people and going overboard for celebrations or we
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  is it more important to us to have smaller more intimate
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  parties and celebrations? And I think we get so caught up
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  in what everybody? What we think everybody around
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  us is doing. So birthday parties are a big
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  one. We do you throw elaborate
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  birthday parties because you love to do that and you want big
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  elaborate celebrations every year because that is important.
• 19:53
  You have all of your family and all your friends over and it's
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  this big to do or You rather have your child, invite three of
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  their best friends over and you have this little intimate pizza
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  and movie night. And if you love to throw big
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  birthday parties, then go for it.
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  If you're throwing big birthday parties because you feel
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  everybody else is doing it and you should be doing it then.
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  Let's talk about that and re-evaluate that because it's
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  probably wearing you out and things like yeah.
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  So there's it's that why behind everything.
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  Why is it important to you to Ooh, to have a clean kitchen
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  every night. Why is it important that your
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  house that you sweep your floors every night?
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  If that's something that you wanted, like it's getting into
• 20:36
  the the why behind it and that that also helps with a buy-in.
• 20:40
  So if your partner is going, why do we sleep our floors every
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  night? And you have that conversation
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  and maybe you realize we don't need to sweep our floors every
• 20:48
  night. Maybe it's once a week.
• 20:50
  We do that or we get the kids to sweep up under their chair at
• 20:53
  night because it's amazing how messy children are.
• 20:57
  And it's just Would maybe it's not amazing.
• 20:59
  Maybe I should know this by. Now that kids are messy the so
• 21:03
  it's but it's having those conversations and getting on the
• 21:06
  same page to it's getting that buy-in for you so that everybody
• 21:14
  knows what's going on. And we'll follow through on why
• 21:16
  the trash needs to be taken out on Mondays.
• 21:19
  Yes, we're not. Yes I'm also laughing that
• 21:22
  there's some sort of debacle happening in my background.
• 21:25
  I'm not sure if you can hear it through my mind from.
• 21:27
  Oh You're talking about, you know, the chaos of life kids,
• 21:32
  and I'm like, oh my God, my daughter's wailing back here.
• 21:35
  Okay, well, not to get hurt. You're safe, you're good.
• 21:38
  Okay, that is so fascinating. I love the idea around the why,
• 21:42
  and how important it is to be clear on your, why, why are we
• 21:47
  doing something and okay, that's my question.
• 21:51
  My fellow question to that is, what if something is important
• 21:54
  to one partner? But it's not going to be that
• 21:56
  one partners. Tasks like okay, so, for
• 22:00
  instance, if it's important, so say hypothetically, my husband
• 22:03
  often is the one who takes the garbage out not to, like, have
• 22:06
  gender stereotypes. It's just, that's, you know, I
• 22:08
  do more creative tasks. Yeah.
• 22:10
  And that's kind of how we divide and our labor.
• 22:15
  So say it was important to me to have the trash taken out every
• 22:18
  single night. But for him, it that wasn't
• 22:21
  important to wake up every day with like a clear trash in the
• 22:24
  morning. I think that what happens like
• 22:27
  when I think about that. That I'm like in that situation
• 22:29
  if that were the case, I'd probably be like, okay, well if
• 22:31
  it's important to me than I should be the one doing it.
• 22:33
  So I guess if I want it taken out every night, I should take
• 22:37
  it out every night. Is that part of like, how do you
• 22:39
  navigate that type of conversation to be like?
• 22:41
  Well, this is still your task, but here, here's what my
• 22:45
  preference would be as to how it's done.
• 22:48
  Hmm. So that's where the minimum
• 22:50
  standard of care comes in to play.
• 22:53
  So, it's that conversation, it's looking at the why, why is it
• 22:57
  Important to you versus, you know, it's not important to your
• 23:02
  husband for, in that case. But getting him to understand
• 23:07
  why it's important to you and having that conversation, and
• 23:09
  then if there's that piece, so we don't get to jump to.
• 23:11
  Well, my standards are higher. You must meet my standards
• 23:15
  because I that's just the way it should be.
• 23:19
  It's getting into. What would a reasonable person
• 23:23
  do in this situation? So talking about maybe it's
• 23:27
  somebody You know what would our neighbor friend Nanny do in this
• 23:31
  situation? What what's a reasonable
• 23:33
  standard of care here? Does it make sense?
• 23:36
  Is it that you want the trash taken out every night?
• 23:41
  Because that's just what you grew up with and that's
• 23:43
  important to you. Or is it that you just don't
• 23:46
  want your kitchen to smell? And it's, we're looking at, what
• 23:51
  is your trash look like? Then?
• 23:53
  Is it a, is there a lid to it? As it opened in your kitchen?
• 23:57
  Is there a way to To make it so that you don't see it every day.
• 24:00
  So that your If it's not a full, it doesn't need to be taken out,
• 24:05
  but it also doesn't smell and you don't have to look at it
• 24:09
  every day. Yeah.
• 24:10
  And so there's there's that piece of it in our house, we
• 24:14
  don't need to empty our trash that often between like
• 24:17
  Recycling and composting. Like we just don't.
• 24:20
  So but then we reach a point where it's kind of overflowing
• 24:23
  and then another trash in the house is overflowing but
• 24:25
  nobody's really in charge of it. And so it just sits there for a
• 24:28
  few days and then it's just so we have not talked about About
• 24:32
  that card clearly that one that maybe that'll be the next one.
• 24:36
  And it's so there's so really, you're looking at the the why,
• 24:41
  what's important to you and maybe it's not the, it's
• 24:45
  important that it's taken out every day, but it's important
• 24:47
  that it doesn't smell or maybe we need a trash can with a lid,
• 24:51
  because that's really what's bothering me.
• 24:53
  So, getting to the like, what's behind?
• 24:55
  It kind of asked like a toddler that why until you get to the
• 24:59
  real reason of I value a kitchen is clean and here are the
• 25:06
  standards for that. And so certainly, if you've got
• 25:10
  something smelly in your trash, even if the trash isn't full, it
• 25:14
  might need to go out more. We empty our trash more in the
• 25:17
  summer because it smells more and we want to get it out of the
• 25:21
  house. And so it's really looking at
• 25:23
  what that what's behind that piece of it versus What your
• 25:30
  Whoever has the highest expectations and I am by no
• 25:33
  means saying that that is an easy conversation.
• 25:35
  It may need to happen several times over the course of a few
• 25:39
  weeks, a few days, a few months. It may involve the help of a
• 25:44
  third party. If it gets really contentious or
• 25:47
  you just don't feel like you're getting anywhere because at that
• 25:50
  point, it's probably not the trash, you're arguing over but
• 25:53
  that could just be a symptom of that and So really getting into
• 25:59
  those, those values behind it and of values is a word that
• 26:04
  your grumbling at then it's just that why?
• 26:06
  Why is this important to me or us?
• 26:09
  Why is this important to us and trying to come to an agreement
• 26:14
  on that? I know that's a big discussion
• 26:16
  related to the trash but that's just no, I love it.
• 26:20
  There their symptoms, I think of other things or they can be.
• 26:24
  Yes. I mean I feel like you kind of
• 26:26
  border into a Leah. A couple's counselor, as well.
• 26:30
  Like, this is this kind of just feels like life and
• 26:33
  communication. We did not pisode.
• 26:34
  I didn't upset with a relationship coach and this
• 26:37
  feels very similar. You know.
• 26:38
  It's having these like pivotal conversations, they're different
• 26:41
  context. But yeah, a lot of things like
• 26:43
  the blowup doesn't happen because of the shoe.
• 26:45
  That's on the ground that you tripped over and probably
• 26:48
  something else happening. So something else in there.
• 26:50
  Yeah, really good advice but I think the trash is such a
• 26:51
  relevant example. Like it's funny that we talked
• 26:54
  about trash for five minutes but it's actually it's super
• 26:57
  helpful. Well, okay, I want to know how
• 26:59
  do you use the fair play method in your house.
• 27:01
  You've alluded to a few of the different areas but I want like
• 27:03
  an inside look into Valerie's home and how you've been able to
• 27:08
  like gamify everything. But the fire fair play Method.
• 27:12
  Okay, so we the dishwasher is one of the big ones that we've
• 27:18
  talked about and that we work on.
• 27:21
  We split bedtime. We've always done bedtime pretty
• 27:26
  equally in terms. Trade off each night.
• 27:30
  So one night, it's my job. The next night, it's his and the
• 27:35
  other partner, if it's not your turn, just fully walks away.
• 27:38
  So I will be somewhere else in the house during bedtime and if
• 27:42
  they're there for backup, if sometimes, when our kids are
• 27:46
  extra tired, they might need an extra parent around to just
• 27:49
  help, get through the process. But it's one person is fully in
• 27:54
  charge of getting the kids to brush their teeth and get ready
• 27:56
  for bed and read them stories. He's and tuck them in.
• 27:59
  It's not both of us at the same time.
• 28:00
  And so that gives the other parent a chance to just go watch
• 28:03
  a TV show or read a book or do something quietly, the Tooth
• 28:08
  Fairy. So who's in charge of the tooth
• 28:10
  fairy and sort of that magic making piece of it?
• 28:13
  So hopefully there aren't, you know, cover your kids ears.
• 28:17
  If you are listening here is were discussing phone calls with
• 28:21
  the tooth fairy, but that would be my husband's role because he
• 28:24
  stays up later than I do. And so waiting for the To fall
• 28:28
  asleep and making sure that that is all taken care of.
• 28:31
  That's that's his job. So he takes care of that piece
• 28:35
  of it and then we balance some of the other pieces of that and
• 28:40
  it comes back and forth of like I'll be the one to sign the kids
• 28:42
  up for summer camp because that's just what I've done.
• 28:45
  We do tend to fall pretty traditionally for most tasks he
• 28:50
  does a lot of the cooking so he's taken on.
• 28:53
  He does dinner most nights, I will take over if some for some
• 28:57
  reason he He can't, but he's mostly in charge of dinner.
• 29:00
  That was one thing that came out of during the pandemic early on.
• 29:03
  It was, hey, if we're going to be home for the foreseeable
• 29:06
  future, I don't want to have to think about dinner, you're in
• 29:09
  charge, and because he likes to cook, he has just kept that on
• 29:12
  and then we have conversations regularly of.
• 29:15
  Are you sick of making dinner every night?
• 29:17
  And can we trade this out? Do you want to try this out?
• 29:20
  Can we get our kids involved? So my kids are 7 and 10.
• 29:24
  They can help in the kitchen at night.
• 29:25
  They can help make dinner. They can help make breakfast.
• 29:27
  They can Make banana bread on a Sunday so that breakfast is
• 29:31
  easier during the week and getting them involved and and
• 29:35
  we've had conversations around things like Christmas.
• 29:39
  So we don't do Christmas cards, we've never sent Christmas
• 29:42
  cards. That's a conversation that we
• 29:43
  just decided. It's not important to us to do
• 29:46
  that. We keep in touch with friends
• 29:48
  other ways throughout the year and we're not going to do that.
• 29:50
  So that card was used fully removed from our deck.
• 29:54
  I have the intention in 2023 of Being a few more cards out and
• 29:59
  being more definitive about them.
• 30:00
  I think we cover a lot of things, well but they're just
• 30:05
  some other things that it's time.
• 30:07
  I think we have those formal conversations around and so part
• 30:13
  of that, is that you don't have to get the whole box of cards or
• 30:16
  read the whole book and go. All right, we're going to talk
• 30:18
  about everything. We're going to do it.
• 30:21
  All right. Now it's just pick a card.
• 30:24
  Or two and and move on from there and build on that and keep
• 30:29
  having those conversations and really, it should be a weekly
• 30:32
  meeting regular meeting where you're talking about all of this
• 30:35
  stuff and getting on everybody on the same page and it's not a
• 30:41
  one-time conversation that the next six months somebody's going
• 30:44
  to be in charge of the dishes or taking the trash out, or mowing
• 30:49
  the lawn and it's an ongoing conversation, so things can
• 30:53
  change. Engine shift, and, hey, I'm
• 30:54
  really tired of making dinner. Do you mind taking it over this
• 30:57
  week? Hmm, I think I'm sure there's a
• 30:59
  seasonality to it. Where, yeah, you, there's
• 31:02
  different seasons of like actual Seasons.
• 31:05
  Like Summers can look very, very different than the school year.
• 31:09
  I imagine the working year, whatever it is and maybe that
• 31:12
  kind of shifts like you like to barbecue more and maybe you
• 31:15
  Valerie like to barbecue more and that's how you like to cook.
• 31:18
  And so maybe you thought it for like I imagine there's chips
• 31:21
  that can happen. And like you said, checking in.
• 31:23
  So, Oh, well, one person might be cool with the trash taking,
• 31:27
  maybe that kind of gets bored and tired, they want to switch
• 31:30
  it out. So that's a really good point.
• 31:33
  My husband and I recently decided to put a line in the
• 31:36
  sand, like you said, being more definitive, it's really, it is
• 31:39
  really helpful. I, we felt that recently where
• 31:41
  we decided to each switch off with getting up with her
• 31:44
  daughter in the morning and that's been lovely.
• 31:47
  Like, I just felt like the, you know, the Tuesdays and Thursdays
• 31:50
  are not my day Friday is like a flex day.
• 31:52
  So we kind of all just get up together.
• 31:53
  And whatever, but Tuesdays and Thursdays are nice.
• 31:56
  Like it's just your time. Like you're just not in charge
• 31:59
  of the kid on those debt. Like, I'm not in charge of the
• 32:02
  kid on those days. I could be working if I'm
• 32:04
  feeling productive or being pregnant right now, it's like a
• 32:08
  lot of sleeping or self-care. Trying to move my body a bit.
• 32:13
  And so, yeah, I like what you said about that just being
• 32:15
  definitive and having the the rule, but then, knowing that,
• 32:19
  there could be exceptions. So there's some days, my husband
• 32:21
  has to go into the office. And so we can switch those days
• 32:25
  off but those are conversations that we know to have because
• 32:28
  there's a line in the sand for us and I've found that really
• 32:32
  helpful. What have you found in terms of
• 32:35
  the changes? So before fair play Method or
• 32:37
  before becoming a bit of a guru in productivity, what are the
• 32:41
  changes that you noticed in your household in your life when you
• 32:44
  started to focus on this? Yeah, so I think as mom's we
• 32:49
  there's so much that has to happen today and so much of it
• 32:52
  is running through our Head. It's not always written down, or
• 32:56
  we have a to-do list for the day that's 20 plus things and we're
• 32:59
  just, we hit the end of the day and instead of celebrating what
• 33:02
  we did do or at least acknowledging it, we're seeing
• 33:05
  the 10 things that we didn't get done and we're feeling crappy
• 33:07
  about it. I'm just like, wow, I really
• 33:11
  failed today and I one of my goals with my business.
• 33:17
  And one thing that I have really been focusing on in the last few
• 33:20
  years is that we're not failing we just simply have.
• 33:23
  Way too much to do in any given day on our own.
• 33:28
  And so it's really taking a look at what is important to me?
• 33:33
  What are my long-term goals for my business, for my family, for
• 33:38
  myself and are my day-to-day tasks getting me there.
• 33:43
  So yes, we still need to clean the humidifiers.
• 33:48
  So I live in Denver, it's a dry. We writing the defiers.
• 33:50
  I'll enter a Grumble, every time I have to clean them, but it's
• 33:53
  important. Into that.
• 33:54
  We have them going through the winter.
• 33:56
  I know that it takes me 10 minutes to actually do what I
• 33:59
  need to do. We do, you know, we need to
• 34:02
  clean the kitchen but before I do some of that stuff, I'm also
• 34:05
  going to focus on. Okay, what is one thing?
• 34:10
  What am I doing for my business to move my business forward
• 34:12
  today. It's probably going to be more
• 34:14
  than one thing for my business but it's like what are the top
• 34:17
  things that I'm focused on and really focusing like a that
• 34:21
  productivity piece of just I don't need to do all the things
• 34:24
  I need to do some very specific things today.
• 34:27
  Small steps are going to get us there in the long run and then
• 34:31
  the Fairplay piece of that is just happy being able to have
• 34:34
  those conversations with my partner or to even just take a
• 34:37
  look at all of the things that we do around the house and
• 34:41
  figure out what's important to us.
• 34:44
  So we are not big birthday party.
• 34:46
  Throwers we love something more intimate so when my daughter
• 34:50
  turned 10 last fall, she had a friend over for a sleepover That
• 34:54
  was it. We had family over for dinner on
• 34:56
  her actual birthday. We called it good.
• 34:58
  Like we're not ones to invite 15 people over and throw this big
• 35:03
  huge party. We've talked about that.
• 35:05
  We know that's not important to us, I know what is it.
• 35:09
  It's so it's bringing forward all of those convert.
• 35:12
  If there's like a more intentional living if you will
• 35:16
  of just so talking about what do we want our summers to look
• 35:19
  like? Okay, we're going to do summer
• 35:21
  camp. We have a camper.
• 35:22
  We love to camp. Who's in charge of making those
• 35:25
  camping reservations and because it's like a competitive sport
• 35:29
  here in Colorado to get. Reservations made it's like
• 35:33
  something here at BC the Catholic.
• 35:35
  Just yeah, it's ridiculous. We're going to Yellowstone the
• 35:38
  summer. I made those reservations last
• 35:40
  summer. Like it's sort of, knowing all
• 35:42
  of that stuff. Who's going to do that research?
• 35:44
  Who's in charge of making sure that they're, you know, 7 a.m.
• 35:48
  midnight, whatever your online making those reservations?
• 35:51
  I refuse to do midnight, I will do it when I get up and Have
• 35:53
  coffee in my hand. Not staying up until midnight to
• 35:56
  make. Reservations be old concert
• 35:58
  ticket days, right? Oh my gosh.
• 36:00
  So, for me, it's really just, it's getting all that stuff out
• 36:04
  in the open, too. So understanding that my husband
• 36:08
  and I'm probably Fallen pretty Traditional Values when it comes
• 36:11
  to, who does what around the house.
• 36:13
  But then knowing that and being able to have those conversations
• 36:16
  of, hey, I really would like you to take on this task.
• 36:21
  I will take on this task. Task, and we're not, and then
• 36:25
  going from there and knowing that, it doesn't always have to
• 36:28
  happen. Every day or we don't, like
• 36:31
  we've said you don't have to take it on forever, it's just
• 36:34
  having it's being able to have those conversations and I think
• 36:37
  that frees up so much mental space because now, you know,
• 36:40
  that things are being taken care of.
• 36:42
  And you don't have to worry about what's for dinner because
• 36:44
  it's not your week or your day. And yeah, there's space to go.
• 36:48
  Do other stuff like the end goal or the one of the big goals for
• 36:53
  both. My clients me for my clients and
• 36:55
  with fair play, is that now you have time to go do things for
• 36:58
  yourself. Hmm.
• 36:59
  You have time to figure out what your passions are, outside of
• 37:02
  being a parent and a partner. And you get to go do something
• 37:06
  else and you're not stuck in the daily drudgery of everything, it
• 37:13
  takes to be an adult with kids. Yeah, I mean the dishes have to
• 37:16
  happen but the dishes art, the the end.
• 37:20
  Like it's not like I did the dishes great.
• 37:23
  You're doing the dishes so that you can live in a nice space so
• 37:26
  that you can also then go like you said, move on.
• 37:28
  Go have Adventures Do things that you actually love.
• 37:31
  I don't know how many people love dishes, but I think that's
• 37:33
  a really, that's a really cool sentiment and that's such a
• 37:37
  minute, such important work that you do for sure.
• 37:40
  So you said at the very beginning that you want to help
• 37:42
  moms or parents, or whoever is listening, we've got a mixed
• 37:45
  audience of young mums, dads caregivers.
• 37:48
  And how do you kind of gain that sense of control without being
• 37:52
  quote, unquote, controlling our with maintaining a bit of
• 37:55
  flexibility? Like, I know, you said
• 37:57
  revisiting things, Yeah. How do you, how do you do that?
• 38:01
  How do you maintain a bit of spontaneity, without kind of
• 38:03
  feeling like you're living in this, this Museum, if you?
• 38:06
  Oh sure. So for me, that sense of control
• 38:10
  is knowing that the right tasks are being done each day that
• 38:15
  there's space for that, and there's space for flexibility in
• 38:20
  there. So I think having some structure
• 38:22
  and routine in your days allows for fun to happen as well. which
• 38:28
  I know sounds counterintuitive, but when you know things are
• 38:34
  happening, you know, that things are getting done around the
• 38:37
  house or you have a sense of Eat that you're on top of things.
• 38:42
  Then you know, you can go play for a Saturday and go do
• 38:46
  something fun as a family and everything else can wait, or
• 38:50
  it's been taken care of or you know, it's going to be taken
• 38:53
  care of. And so now you can let that go
• 38:56
  and then take that time to go do something fun or, you know,
• 39:00
  you're going to drop your kid off at this birthday party and
• 39:02
  you're going to go meet a friend for coffee because you've made
• 39:05
  that time to happen for both yourself and for Your kid and
• 39:10
  you're not just spending your days, checking things off of it
• 39:14
  to do list. And, and I've had plenty of
• 39:18
  weekend where I Grumble about that, and it's something that
• 39:21
  we're working on in our own house of just one, knowing that
• 39:26
  things are happening because you've, you've had those
• 39:29
  conversations, you know, things are being taken.
• 39:31
  Care of, you know, your value is for your family and practicing
• 39:36
  letting go of some of that. So, the dishes, sit on the
• 39:38
  kitchen. Counter or in the sink for a few
• 39:41
  hours while you go sledding with your kids because it just
• 39:43
  snowed. And this is what you would
• 39:46
  rather be doing with your time. And you know, the dishes will
• 39:49
  get taken care of. And stead of the, we cannot go
• 39:52
  do anything fun until the house is spotless and clean.
• 39:55
  And I think when you define your why it helps shift some of that
• 40:02
  sense of, I must have all of these things taken care of.
• 40:06
  Before, I can go have fun. And some of that I think is just
• 40:11
  as mom's we just I love a clean house, like don't get me wrong.
• 40:15
  I feel better when my house is organized and clean but I also
• 40:19
  don't want to be remembered as the mom who always had a clean
• 40:22
  house. I want to be remembered as the
• 40:24
  mom who did fun things. And so where's that balance?
• 40:27
  How do we not let our dishes grow mold?
• 40:32
  And stay on top of our dishes. But also go do fun things and
• 40:35
  making, right. It doesn't have to be one or the
• 40:37
  other. I think there's room for both in
• 40:41
  an are huge. That is huge.
• 40:43
  That's a huge shift and talk about a refrain like I come out
• 40:46
  of being like the sounds controlling and you're like, no,
• 40:48
  no, the control frees up the flexibility and the spontaneity,
• 40:53
  and the example, about the sledding, with the dishes, on
• 40:55
  the counter, there's something there is something there.
• 40:57
  There's something about knowing that it's going to be done which
• 41:01
  can actually Really a race. The feelings of anxiety that the
• 41:05
  dishes can cause on the counter. I don't even know if it's dishes
• 41:07
  on the counter. It's the question mark of when
• 41:10
  will that get done for me? Personally, or this has to get
• 41:14
  done? But if you just take that out of
• 41:15
  the equation because you know, it will get done or grocery
• 41:17
  shopping like who wants to go to the grocery store on a Saturday?
• 41:20
  Maybe some people do but like, you know, it's like okay we
• 41:23
  don't have to go on the Saturday because we know that like, you
• 41:26
  know, I've got two sorted, I'm going to be going Sunday night
• 41:29
  or once the kids are in bed, whatever it is like.
• 41:32
  It's the question mark of not knowing when something is going
• 41:34
  to happen that for me, personally, provokes more
• 41:38
  anxiety than the actual task itself?
• 41:41
  Yep. Yeah, and so, having maybe
• 41:43
  Monday night is when you buy, it's all grocery shopping.
• 41:45
  Monday night is grocery shopping at, you know, it's going to be
• 41:47
  done. Yeah, maybe there's a meal
• 41:49
  planning beforehand and it was somebody who doesn't like to
• 41:54
  cook when our meals are planned out and there's some food
• 41:57
  prepped. And so, all I have to do is
• 41:58
  slice and potatoes and throw some veggies in the And roast
• 42:03
  some chicken like I can make dinner.
• 42:04
  But when I'm standing in the kitchen at five PM going, what
• 42:07
  are we going to have today? We're having chicken nuggets
• 42:10
  because or take out because I don't want to think about it.
• 42:14
  And so, when you're able to put those structures in place, It
• 42:18
  frees up your brain to go do fun things or, you know, something
• 42:22
  is taken care of than okay. Now we're not having chicken
• 42:25
  nuggets for the third night in a row because we've had this
• 42:27
  planned out. And now we know it's what's
• 42:29
  going on or my kids can help with this piece of it because
• 42:33
  they helped with the meal planning.
• 42:34
  And so now it's a meal that they can make and it will be fine.
• 42:38
  Yes, what if a person is listening and they're like,
• 42:42
  okay, we don't have any of this sorted.
• 42:45
  It's clearly far too late. We're in too deep.
• 42:47
  Deep or too far gone. One of the first small few steps
• 42:51
  that a person can take to move towards this beautiful world
• 42:55
  that you paint for us. Yeah, so you are not too far
• 42:59
  gone. It is not far too late, even if
• 43:01
  you have teenagers and you're like two years away from being
• 43:04
  empty nesters and you're going, we were broken.
• 43:06
  This isn't going to happen. There's hope it's just taking
• 43:10
  that one. Small step.
• 43:12
  And so maybe it's a step of buying the fair play cards.
• 43:17
  And having that as like the representation for your
• 43:20
  conversation, maybe that's too much.
• 43:22
  Maybe it's simply look at buying the book or looking on the
• 43:26
  Fairplay website or contacting me and we pick one card just one
• 43:31
  and you schedule some time. Maybe you don't even have a
• 43:34
  card, you just simply schedule some time with your partner and
• 43:38
  have that very first conversation of look I am
• 43:42
  struggling with this. Here's what I would like to do.
• 43:45
  Or can we talk about it? Maybe there's you not even have
• 43:48
  an answer. You're just saying I'm feeling
• 43:51
  overwhelmed and angry and resentful and I want something
• 43:55
  to change. Can we talk about it?
• 43:57
  And that's it. And there's, hopefully some
• 44:00
  buy-in and I like, yes, let's talk about it.
• 44:03
  And then maybe you schedule that next meeting and you schedule a
• 44:05
  dinner date. After the kids are in bed and
• 44:08
  you find one task. Maybe it's the trash.
• 44:12
  Like, we've talked about, are the dishes or mowing the lawn or
• 44:16
  laundry or whatever is bugging you, or maybe it's a fun I
• 44:20
  think. Eve recommends that you focus on
• 44:23
  what she called. There are three cards that that
• 44:25
  you get to share as a couple. And it's date night front and
• 44:31
  time with friends and time for yourself.
• 44:33
  So maybe the simplest conversation starter is.
• 44:37
  Can we look at having one night a month where I get to go do my
• 44:42
  own thing and one night a month, were you get to do your own
• 44:45
  thing and the adult at home is in charge of everything from
• 44:48
  dinner through bedtime? If that Involves packing lunches
• 44:51
  for school, the next day, whatever.
• 44:54
  And or maybe it's I won't leave the house until seven so that we
• 44:57
  get through dinner together, that doesn't require.
• 45:00
  I mean, that's just a straight up.
• 45:02
  It could be. I'm going to go hide out in the
• 45:03
  basement but we're going to as a family pretend like I am not
• 45:07
  here. Are you going to go to the
• 45:09
  nearest bookstore and have a cup of coffee and read a book and
• 45:13
  you're just going to leave the house and that's what that is
• 45:15
  your time and they get to do they get the same three hours
• 45:19
  and you are home? oh man, in charge of Everything
• 45:24
  and - go do the same thing or they get to go, whatever it is.
• 45:27
  They're going to do for three hours and you start there and
• 45:30
  you try that for three months and then you have a conversation
• 45:34
  from there. And maybe that just initial step
• 45:37
  will spark more conversation going forward.
• 45:42
  Hmm. Just started.
• 45:43
  Keep it small. Yeah.
• 45:45
  Yeah. Something small.
• 45:46
  I like that something positive. Something exciting that you can
• 45:49
  really rally behind. Maybe not starting with the
• 45:51
  biggest. First issue or opportunity that
• 45:54
  you have in your house that might feel too overwhelming.
• 45:57
  But that sounds really fun and maybe it's getting into that
• 45:59
  habit of kind of starting to put the definitive plans and play,
• 46:03
  like what is it like to have a routine if you don't really have
• 46:05
  a routine? Oh my goodness.
• 46:07
  I think we could talk about this forever, I can see why you're so
• 46:11
  good at what you do before we before, you know, we wrap this
• 46:15
  up. I want to know what is something
• 46:16
  that you're still trying to figure out in Life, or in your
• 46:20
  home or whatever that. So the book that came out Eve
• 46:25
  rats Keys, second book, that she wrote after fair play.
• 46:28
  And she there's a chapter in Fairplay, she calls unicorn
• 46:31
  space, and it's all about a passion that you could pursue
• 46:36
  outside of the family, it is not self care.
• 46:39
  It's totally separate from self-care from time with friends
• 46:44
  and your partner, it is just something that you are going to
• 46:46
  do for yourself and it might be Running a marathon, maybe you
• 46:51
  have a goal to run a marathon and you're going to join a
• 46:54
  running club because part of it is like being out in public and
• 46:58
  being with others as part of that.
• 47:00
  And I think since having kids, I have completely and utterly
• 47:03
  forgotten who I used to be or what I even like to do.
• 47:07
  I've been parts of book clubs and stuff like that.
• 47:10
  But I my goal this year is to really figure out what my
• 47:13
  unicorn space. Looks like and making time for
• 47:18
  that and and for my husband to do the same thing, what is it
• 47:22
  that he really wants to do? And I don't have an answer for
• 47:25
  that right now, so that's one of my big things is just what the
• 47:28
  heck, do I want to be doing with my life outside of parenting and
• 47:32
  running a business? What what does that look like?
• 47:35
  Who who who am I in that space? And really trying to figure that
• 47:39
  out? That's really cool.
• 47:41
  I like that. It's separate from self-care to.
• 47:43
  Mmm, I do too. I think that could be Be, it
• 47:46
  could be like, okay I'm gonna only be better about like
• 47:48
  working out or going for a massage like that's not it's
• 47:51
  it's different. It's totally different.
• 47:53
  Wow, that's that's very cool. I'm going to think about that as
• 47:55
  well. I'm excited to hear what you
• 47:58
  what? You choose when I figure it out.
• 47:59
  Yeah. Needlepoint or Pottery something
• 48:03
  who knows that your business can be that.
• 48:06
  So I mean, maybe it's just kind of expanding upon what I'm doing
• 48:10
  but in a way that just bigger it could be that I really want to
• 48:14
  see piano in my Awesome. Now you still play the piano
• 48:17
  when I have it in 20 years and maybe that's part of it too.
• 48:20
  We'll see. Well it will have fun exploring
• 48:24
  that that sounds like a fun thing to do.
• 48:26
  Now where can everybody find you?
• 48:28
  Somebody who wants to work with, you want to learn more and also
• 48:31
  wants to learn more about. The I will put anything around
• 48:34
  Yves work, and the fair play Method and the cards will put
• 48:36
  all that in the show notes. But you specifically work, and
• 48:38
  everybody find you and connect with you.
• 48:40
  Yeah. So you can find me on Instagram
• 48:43
  at Stride productivity and Then you can also head over to my
• 48:47
  website, which is stride productivity.com and they're
• 48:51
  like, it's tried productivity.com forward slash
• 48:53
  quiz. You can take a quiz to find
• 48:56
  which movie mom, you are. And it's related to the
• 48:59
  characters from Bad moms, which is actually been out for a
• 49:02
  while, but it's still one of my favorite movies.
• 49:05
  And so it connects you with one of the characters from from that
• 49:09
  movie and then the results give you a mantra that you can repeat
• 49:14
  starting today. In the moment that will just
• 49:17
  give you that sense of peace or just as a chance to breathe and
• 49:22
  really just kind of shift your day hopefully.
• 49:26
  And then from there, you can join me and learn more about
• 49:30
  what I do and Diving more input, everything that we've talked
• 49:32
  about today as well. Oh, very cool.
• 49:35
  Thank you. So, so much Valerie.
• 49:37
  I so appreciate your time your wisdom.
• 49:39
  This is such a cool topic. I'm excited to explore this more
• 49:42
  and to implement man. My wheels are turning.
• 49:45
  There's so much to be. There's so much that there's so
• 49:47
  much possibility in this. So thank you so much for coming
• 49:51
  on. I so appreciate your time.
• 49:52
  Yeah, thank you for having me. Thank you for listening.
• 49:55
  You can access all resources mentioned in this episode via my
• 49:58
  website andreea bar.com, / podcast and let's chat on
• 50:02
  Instagram. I'm at andreea bar coaching and
• 50:04
  I reply to every DM. I get if you loved this episode,
• 50:08
  don't forget to quickly hit that button on your podcast app to
• 50:11
  give me a five star rating, and drop in a review.
• 50:13
  It would truly mean the world and if you're like me and love
• 50:17
  to share things that you love, send this episode to a friend
• 50:20
  who you think would appreciate this topic.
• 50:23
  Thanks again for listening, and I'll chat with you next week.