Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 47 -Golden Child Be Happenin

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Episode 47 -Golden Child Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to your Safe Space.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, welcome.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you for joining.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here, welcome back.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you as always.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all should know by now, but be sure y'all are following us on social media at Alive I Guess Podcast.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: For all inquiries, email us at alive I guesspodcast at gmail.com.
• 0:47
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• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Today we are going to be discussing the golden child.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I've already touched on inner child work.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I've touched on being the strong friend, big sister, my codependency.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: The golden child kind of captures all those things.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like all of those elements add into what makes up being the golden child.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And lo and behold, as a child, I was the golden child on both my mom's side and my dad's side.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: It was a big part of who I was growing up.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's impacted who I've become as an adult.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it is something that I think is very important to discuss because I know a lot of golden children in my life.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I am married to one.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're gonna get into it.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: But before we do that, you already know we gotta do a moment of gratitude.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening today, say something out loud that you're grateful for.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're watching, drop something below in the comments.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm grateful when somebody makes room for me.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Metaphoric, energetic, like capacity room, not like make room, like getting out the way.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was just told by an acquaintance of mine that I am a gifted listener.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: I have a gift to really listen to people, and it makes it so that people naturally open up to me.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: So usually I am doing a lot of listening, a lot of receiving information and trauma or dumping that people are having, which is fine, but I'm never really the one to be the one who is expressing things to other people.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I always like to be grateful and thankful to those who do make room for me because it is such a rare thing.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: But all right, let's get into it.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Cause golden child be happening.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: So how does one become assigned the role of a golden child?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's usually that child that has very strong codependent ways and tendencies, and the ways in which they respond in that codependent manner isn't the one who needs the most like care or attention or just like hands-on guidance.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: They're usually the one who's overachieving and getting things done without being asked and alleviating as many issues or problems as they can for their parent or their caregiver and whoever's playing that role.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: They're usually called like the perfect child or like the responsible one or the one that just doesn't really tend to ruffle any feathers or cause any issues.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And growing up, that was me.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because of my codependency with my mom and because of my, I guess, codependency with my dad, I was always trying to navigate life without making any sort of problem for either one of them.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I also knew that I had my siblings looking up to me in the process.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: So that just added on like an extra layer.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: If I was going through anything, I didn't let it show.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: If I had any sort of problem, I was figuring it out before it became like a big issue.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was doing everything that I could to make it seem like on my end, there was nothing going on.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like I could handle anything that was thrown at me.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I was talking to my mom, I think she just watched one of my episodes and we were having a conversation, and she said, like, I didn't know you were going through so much because, in my opinion, in my eyes, you were quote unquote the perfect child.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: And in a way that made me kind of like sad for my inner child because I know how I presented.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: I know I did everything right, but I was battling so much internally.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: I never felt I should and therefore could let out things when I was going through them.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is also during the time where, like, if you knew better, you do better, but we didn't know any better.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I got called like sensitive a lot when I was going through things.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And there wasn't understanding around like the well-being of mental health, especially not in children.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: So if we were to do this all again today, I know my mom would be more like caring and open and inquisitive about what I'm going through.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't have the language and she didn't have the awareness that, like, hey, maybe there are things, or like maybe I should look out for this because like nobody knew what codependency was.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, people aren't talking about that.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: So it just like wasn't a thing.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, when she told me that, I was like, yeah, this is definitely a topic that we gotta discuss.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because like I said, I know so many people who fit that same description in their families.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: We wound up all being friends, probably because we could relate and understand each other, and even with my wife, like that played out in our relationship because when you have two golden children, it's like who's going to outshine who?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Who's going to take on the most responsibility?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: That definitely played a role in our marriage early on.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: But if you haven't watched that episode, go watch it.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's a little long, but it's really good.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: But we get into how we navigated all of that in our marriage.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Shameless plug.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, being the golden child or being called the golden child isn't like a compliment, it comes with a lot of weight.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, not so much anymore just because I've done my own work of removing that label or at least setting boundaries to help alleviate that stigma that comes with being the golden child.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: But that's a lot of pressure for a kid.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not like I asked for it.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's not like I signed up to be the one who sets the standard and the one that people look for and look to for inspiration, or maybe like look for for guidance in different regards.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's a tough position to put yourself in when you're already basing your actions off what the other person is feeling, especially when that person is like your mom or your grandparents or older siblings or whoever.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: So doing that and feeling like the love is conditional makes you feel like your worth is conditional in a sense.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're only as good as your accomplishments, or only as good as how well you can perform and provide whatever benefit to your family.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: So my whole like way of being was focused on getting it right, not being a problem, setting an example.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's really the core of who I became and who I've been throughout my entire life.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I still carry some of these attributes today.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think they've been analyzed and looked at enough to understand like where the codependent and unhealthy parts lie within these attributes.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so I've removed a good amount of them.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still doing the work.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: But before, especially growing up, like I applied that entire characteristic to everything I did, whether it was school, whether it was basketball, whether it was just being a kid in the house and doing what I'm supposed to do and listening to everything and not getting in trouble in any sort of way.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was always aware of doing the right thing and not causing a problem.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: You couple that with my hypervigilance that I developed from my dad's house, which whole other topic.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, like it's hard for me to turn that off.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm always aware of everything at all times.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, today, like you might tell a kid to do something and they might forget, they might just blow you off.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: But like I'm always aware all the time.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like I wish I could forget.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's something that I still do.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like my hypervigilance and attention to detail, even when I just want to shut my brain off and not be focused on everything, can't turn it off.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Gift and a curse.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that came because of my upbringing, because I was the golden child.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And dare I say, I was a golden golden child.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like when it comes to golden children, I was the best.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Quote unquote, because that's not a compliment.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Mind you, when it comes to the pressure that I felt, it wasn't always necessarily spoken.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like it wasn't told that I had to be this way.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: But when I'm executing things at such a high performance all the time, that becomes the expectation.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: So because I set the bar so high, anything below that was not acceptable.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I often think of the quote uh or something that my mom told me when I was growing up around my grades, where she was like, if it's not an A, it's an F.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And that is something that I applied to my life.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it's because she knew I could get the A, you know.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now there were some things I just wasn't grasping.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: History was not my jam.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Science wasn't really a fan of, especially chemistry.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: But it's like I have to get good grades.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now she loosened her grip a bit in high school.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't getting straight A's through my senior year, but like I still had this standard that I had to maintain with this new environment that I was navigating, you know?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, no matter where I was in, I needed to be the best.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that wasn't even based on necessarily solely on what I was being told.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: It was based on like how I felt as well.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Cause by this time, by the time I'm in high school, like that's who I am.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's not even like, oh, because my family told me I had to be.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, I'm gonna be the best because I'm the best in the room, in the space, on the court.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's the way I walked and talked and act and honestly proved.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: However, that comes with the cost.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: And the cost is you don't have the luxury of not being the best or falling apart or not performing at a high level.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so I had to learn to, if I ever granted myself the opportunity to do so, I did so in private.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: But that rarely happened.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because again, I've internalized this belief in myself that I have to perform at this level.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't even give myself the opportunity to not operate from that high level of performance in everything.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, human, not perfect, not the best in everything.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm not able to meet those markers and be the best or get the achievement that I sought out to, I took it very hard.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't a sore loser, you know.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like if someone like beat me or was better at it than me, like I was always like they did the work to beat me or be better.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not gonna knock them, but like I know I could perform better than this.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I was beating myself up, like, you know, and that's where a lot of negative self-talk self-talk came in, and the negative unconscious beliefs just kind of got louder, and that drive to be even more perfect and even more better and achieve even more got very strong.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that in turn made the codependency and the people pleasing and all that other stuff even stronger and even more intense.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: I think about when I was in the 12th grade, 12th grade, mind you, my school wasn't hella ghetto, but y'all, y'all was a little off the wall.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't gonna hold you.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all cool, but you know, high school are just little shits anyway.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of the times my classrooms were noisy, people were coming in high as hell, just doing their thing, right?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying like that's the thing, but in class, especially in my English class with my English teacher who I love dearly, Mrs.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Pitts, didn't like your husband, but I loved you.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I was really quiet, my grades were really good, my homework was in all the time, and that's honestly because like it was low-key easy, but also like I respected her so much that I was really like solid in class.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it got to a point where she trusted me so much that she would like ask me to do things and like trusted me to do things that she wouldn't trust like students to do.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, Because I I know you, like you're you're not gonna do anything, like you're perfect.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Half of that is character and moral, and I'm not no shady, sneaky ass individual, but the other half was because of the ways I showed up.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't say that some of that wasn't a like performance.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yes, it's who I am, but I've been performing in this way for so long that the performance is who I am, also.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: So there were different scenarios where I got like treated differently, like in a positive way, just because of how I showed up and because of what I achieved.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like in a lot of different cases, I was always the one who was getting like recognition for something.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Cause if I'm gonna do it, I'm going to do it and I'm going to be the best.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Today, if I have the ability to be the best, I'm going to put forth my best effort, but I'm not going to overextend myself for the sake of being the best, unless it's like a job interview or something like that.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, like I'm going to put forth effort.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to make sure that because my name is on the line, like, I'm going to make myself look good, but I'm not striving to necessarily impress anyone or to please anyone or for any other reason or motivation outside of myself.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, all the motivation lies with me.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Before, all my motivation lied outside of myself and with other people.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: To me, in family dynamics, I feel the oldest daughter gets this role anyway.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: Mind you, I wasn't necessarily the oldest of my moms.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was the only daughter, and I was the only daughter on my dad's, but I was the oldest over there.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: I just carried myself in my actions like someone who was more mature.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, not to say I wasn't childish.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I could be very childish, and I wasn't like, I'm not saying I was trying to act like a big sister to my older brother.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: No, but like if you have two kids and the younger one is the one who's getting good ass grades and doing all the things that you would think the older one would be doing, like that shapes the dynamic.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Not to say my brother wasn't a good ass big brother and he wasn't like stellar in certain areas.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: I just exceeded in the areas that kids are, I don't want to say expected, but like the areas that parents focus on when they're looking at their their kids to determine like if they're like a good kid or if they aren't like the best kid.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like school wasn't my brother's thing, but he was doing so many other things and he was high key parentified and was taking care of other responsibilities that it was easy to kind of look at me and be like, oh, they're checking all these boxes and doing so well, and they aren't, you know, like so I just fell into that role naturally, and now on my dad's side, like I was the oldest, and by that time I'd been doing it for so long at my mom's.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, now I got all little brothers, like, oh yeah, I can absolutely keep this up.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: So it just rolled right into who I was and honestly shaped my identity.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel in certain aspects of my relationships with my siblings that is still alive and well, I think life has an interesting way of changing certain relationships.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: I've been put in situations where I've been very vulnerable, and that's allowed me to take my mask off in front of my siblings or lean on them for certain things.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: I still don't lean on them completely, and I try and tell myself, like, oh, they're too young, or they I shouldn't be leaning on them because they're younger.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I think the first time was this past year after my cousin had passed, um, where one of my little brothers came over and he like brought me flowers and spent time with me and was just like there to support me.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it felt uncomfortable at first because I'm not used to it and I don't put myself in positions of looking like bad or like down in front of them, and it was something I had to actively like tell myself I'm working on, and it was okay to be supported, but it was hard, it was really tough, and I still had to like fight myself from like trying to switch and act like I was fine, you know.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I am definitely working on shifting that relationship, but it's still an identity that I do carry with me, um, which I could say I couldn't or didn't, but it's still very much present.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that, you know, that makes sense.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like I, in a way, was set up to be like the blueprint, not just like the standard.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: One of my little brothers quite literally followed behind me in the schools I went to, you know, and that could have been coincidental, but still happened, you know?
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just took it so close to like my heart and like so serious that it became ingrained in my DNA and in who I was.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I carried it for so long that I didn't know who I was outside of it.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, to me, that person was who I was, but it was a performance at the end of the day.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: And when it comes to being golden children, like that's really what it is.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's a performance.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: And trying to figure out who I am outside of that performance, outside this isn't even the identity crisis I went through after basketball.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this came at like aside from that, like figuring out who I am when I am not this person in the family dynamic.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Elements of that still exist, but it's nowhere near where it was.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: And part of that is because of intentional effort of not putting myself in situations to be that person anymore.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: But it shows up naturally because this is the person that they've known for 30-something years.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, this is the performance they're used to, and I didn't even kind of know that was a thing until like my wife started coming around and she'd see me around like my mom and my mom's side of the family, and then my brothers, and then like my dad's side of the family, and then friends, and she got to see, I guess, different ways in which I filled spaces.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was the same person, but I was in rooms, like I curated my own versions of myself to fit into these rooms, and I didn't even know that was like a thing.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted Once that became aware, I became aware of that.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, child, that was a lot of work I had to do.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I fought myself the entire way because like I was just trying to keep myself safe, and that was threatening to my being, you know.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you want to deconstruct your entire identity, like, oh no, that seems like a lot.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: So it's definitely been a work in progress, even today, even after all the therapy that I've been through.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, like I said, both my wife and I are the golden children of our families.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: And the ways in which we both show up in our families were similar.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: There was some a lot of overlap.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: And there were also some things that like I take from her experience that were more like tangible on her end, um, versus like mine, but still like very similar experiences.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: So, in my understanding of golden children, like we tend to be the fixers.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: We're the ones always coming to the rescue, having a solution where no one else seems to be able to figure anything out.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: We're the ones not bringing any issues to the table, any problems.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you never really hear anything from us, like going through things or like dealing with things or having any problem.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we're handling that on our own.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: And when we show up in the space of our families, it's for support.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: And whether that support be emotional or like solution-based, like that is the ways in which we are there to fix things.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we manage, we hold things together.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, she might disagree with me, and I feel she's come a very long way, but that still shows up.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: I think there are still ways in which that shows up with me as well, but like we had to both like be real with one another and be real with ourselves that that is something that is really big, and we owe it to ourselves to one, not be the one to like go in and firefight all the problems, but two, allow the people who love us to show up and support us in the ways that they can, just like we have been able to do for them.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think in both cases, we both were saying, like, we both made the decision for our family, their capacity in which they could show up without even testing that theory at all.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: We just based it off of what we felt their emotional capacity was, or you know, they're going through this, this, and this.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, they don't, I don't want to bring my problem to them because my problem's small and just trying to justify in all the different ways.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: So we really had to be intentional with saying, like, we're gonna put that aside.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: We deserve to be cared for and supported and loved and checked on just like we do with everyone else.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: So we have to give everyone else the opportunity to show up and do these things.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because asking for help does not come naturally to either one of us.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, we we've gotten good with each other, and I think we are well equipped to handle a lot of things that come at us, but actually being able to ask for help outside of ourselves was something that we had to actively, intentionally like do and practice.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's gotten better with time, but at the core of us are these golden children.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: And they are saying, like, they're screaming, like, you do not need help.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: We can do it ourselves, we can figure it out.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: And even if we can figure it out ourselves, I try my best to loop in people who support me so that they can hold space for me and support me in whatever way they can.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, not everyone is for everything.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I understand the people in my life now in the ways in which they support me best.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: So now it's kind of like a curated way in the ways in which I ask for support.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like I know, like certain people, like if I have like a financial problem, I'm not gonna go to them for that.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: But they can offer this sort of support, or maybe they can offer finances, but they don't got the emotional support.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like I understand my support system better now to where I know how to lean in.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that has been even more helpful with learning to ask for help so that I remove all the unconscious beliefs that like these people can't help me because of whatever reason I've told myself in my head.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like now I have a better understanding, and even with that understanding, sometimes it is still hard.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: But I keep doing the work, I keep trying, even when it's uncomfortable.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, in the process of trying, I learned that nobody resents me for having troubles or for needing support.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody's judging me.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: People were actually like, we've been waiting on you to lean in and we want you to lean in for support because we want to support you.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so that was also very helpful with just feeling comfortable or more comfortable with leaning in.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because that was also one of the reasons why I told myself I couldn't, because I'm like, they don't have the capacity and they're gonna judge me if I do, or they're not gonna think this about me anymore.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so all those things have been debunked.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: As I look at this whole process of deconstructing my golden child, like I don't resent anybody in my upbringing for contributing to how I turned out.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, everybody did the best they could with what they had, with what they knew.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: And when you know better, you do better, and everybody knows better and everybody's doing better, you know.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've said it time and time again, but as an adult, it is your responsibility to do the work to heal.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can't go back and fix anything and undo anything from childhood, but you can move forward, and so that is on me, and that's why I'm doing the work, and I can't be mad at nobody for doing the best that they could when they were my age, you know?
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's everybody's first time here, and there is no rule book, there is no instruction manual, we don't know what we're doing, we just figuring it out, and even in my understanding and growth as an adult, like when I bring this awareness to people, especially my mom, like she gets it now and she apologizes for it and owns it, and she's like, I was just doing the best I could with what I knew, you know.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, we have squared it away as much as we could, so there's no point in being resentful or upset over it.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: All I can do is do better for myself and my family moving forward and my future children, so that hopefully I don't continue this cycle.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: Although I understand in some ways, because I'm not I'm not perfect at all, some ways you're gonna have an impact on your kid in a negative way, and I accept that that's just part of the reality, you know?
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now the sliver of a golden child that is still alive in here is like, no, we're gonna get this right, and we're gonna try our best, but we can only control what we can, and we can't control everything, so yeah, just choosing to move forward and not be resentful, not looking back, just continuing to do the work and undo everything that I've learned in the past.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because I understand, like, I'm allowed to want things, I'm allowed to not have everything together, I'm allowed to be a mess at times, and boy, am I a mess at times.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm just figuring out as I go, and being vulnerable on this platform is indicative of how far I've come because spilling all my vulnerabilities and imperfections and my weak points on camera for everybody to see and judge and criticize, that don't even go with the golden child script.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, like the fact that this is even a thing goes to show you how much work has been done to undo this golden child character that I developed in childhood.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: So, if you know a golden child out there, or if you are a golden child, understand it's okay not to have it all together, it's okay not to be perfect, it's okay not to be driven by goals and not be a problem and not cause some sort of chaos every now and then.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's part of being a person and people aren't perfect.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do you expect yourself to show up and perform in this perfect manner?
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I do say perform because it's a performance.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you're putting forth all this effort to show up in a certain way, that isn't organic.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's you being this curated person, which is a performance.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: So let that go.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because putting that roll down does not mean you're abandoning your family, it just means you're showing up for yourself because you deserve.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get into this.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: I say this with love.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, hit the tiny URL link to submit your information for a chance to have your story read during one of these episodes.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm 29 and eight months pregnant with my second son.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: Congratulations.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: A friend I've had for two years turned mean as soon as I announced it.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: She makes little digs like, can't wait for it all to crash and burn, and you get everything, you're so lucky.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: Then denies it about me.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: I finally called her out and she ignored it completely.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now she's texting like nothing happened.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: I want out, but I've seen her get aggressive with other people, and I'm scared she'll show up at my house or trash me online.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do I just reply and let it go or stay quiet?
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I say this with love.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you are very pregnant, and we don't need that stress on that baby.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: But at some point, we're gonna have to cuss her out.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because who is she talking to?
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's not your friend.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's sneaky, conniving, like passive, aggressive ass shit, that's not a friend.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: She's a hater.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_00: And anybody that got that much like hatred in their heart for you can't be around my kid.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can't be around my kid, you ain't my friend.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: So if I was in your situation, um, eight months pregnant, that baby gonna be due anytime.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then you're gonna have a whole ass newborn.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you have the capacity, or maybe if you have a partner, um, you need to let her know, hey, you know what?
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just let's just stop.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: Let's not do this, not not continuing on with this relationship until you are able to get to a place to where you can let her know about herself, or if you got that capacity now, fire away.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because you oh, you teach people how they can engage with you.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: And right now, for some reason, this woman thinks she can play with you, so we've gotta let her know you can't play with us or my kid, you know, like so.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: You definitely gotta nip that in the bud now.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: Block her and then go about your life.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: Be done.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you don't need that energy in your space around your child.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is supposed to be a very exciting time for you.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: And she over here saying she hopes it crashes and burns.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you crash and burn her ass out, now what?
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_00: So just cut her off, block her, say your piece, enjoy your life, and welcoming your new child.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's it for today's episode.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, follow us on social media everywhere.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_00: Hit us on the email if you got any inquiries, and visit that tiny URL link for all I say this with love submissions.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: And you already know, I appreciate y'all.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, I'm RJ.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Alive I Guess podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a little like it's like it's a little like it.