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Transcript

Your Wife Keeps Checking Your Phone. Here’s What She’s Really Looking For · Sex & Porn Addiction Recovery with Russell Beebe

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If your wife's going through your phone every night, I'm not going to tell you she should stop.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: You gave her a reason.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: But the problem is even if she's searching the thing every single night and finds nothing, does she still trust you tomorrow?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or does she figure you just got better at hiding it?
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Russell Beebe.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a licensed mental health counselor and a certified sex addiction therapist with over 17 years of personal recovery from sex addiction.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I help men stop cheating, infidelity, sex addiction behaviors, and heal in their relationships and to do that long term so it stays and they save their marriages.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: So how do you become the guy who has their phone checked all the time?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody starts here.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Probably started with porn years ago.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Then that was not enough.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Chat rooms, cams, hookup apps, massage pollers, escorts, a coworker, the line keeps moving and you keep crossing it.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: So rarely does this happen in isolation.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: So in all in other words, somebody suddenly they just go and they cheat on their wife or they sleep with a prostitute.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: It usually starts many, many years prior, many times with pornography.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: You're looking at pornography, a 20-year pornography habit, and then you lead you to one thing to another on the internet, and you get onto webcams, maybe OnlyFans, and then you start flirting with the ideas of getting with an escort, and then maybe you reach out to an escort, and maybe you actually solicit an escort and then you feel terrible afterward.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: But it rarely starts at that point.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's lots of different types of cheating behaviors that men with sex addiction have, and the routines change and it varies.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: But usually what happens is you get caught in one of those betraying behaviors and everything blows up and there's a huge discovery.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden you have this issue where your wife is experiencing betrayal trauma and she's checking everything and checking your phone all the time.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe she found them, the bank charges, the messages, the second account, a hotel receipt on a trip that she thought was business.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: She found it and then she discovered all this.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then you told her that she had found everything was just one time and that you'd never do it again, right?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: But you know deep down you keep doing it, you keep lying about it.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And each time you do it, this is what I experienced.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Every time that I did it, it was kind of like I'd tell myself, well, I don't need to tell my wife because tomorrow I'm gonna get my shit together and I'll stop.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so moving forward, I don't have to tell her because I'm just gonna stop and everything's gonna be okay.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the problem with that is that tomorrow comes and everything's not okay.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Tomorrow is just another day to act out.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: The mental obsession hits, the addiction kicks in, the cycle starts, the ritual starts, and then you do it again.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And you've promised to stop more than once, but it continues.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's what an addiction is.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: An addiction is a behavior that we want to stop, that when we set out to stop it, we find that we can't.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: We lose control over it, and it happens despite our deepest desire to stop.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: So, what's she actually doing when she checks?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: She's not controlling you, she's trying to answer one question.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: What is actually true?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Once she found out the story was a lie, her brain went back through everything late nights, the trips, the times you took your phone to your bathroom.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: From your side, my God, when is this gonna end?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: From her side, what else did I miss?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: You can't argue her out of that.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: You built it one lie at a time.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: So partners start to go crazy because they catch you in a lie.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: They you said one thing and then they found out that it was a lie.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Then they start to wonder, what else is he lying about?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: So the phone checking and the checking of everything and all the questions really has more to do with her trying to figure out what else have you not told her and to find out because she now has discovered not only that you have this behavior, this betraying behavior that she didn't know about, but she also found out that you were lying about it.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And for a lot of partners, what happens is the worst part is not so much the behavior that's terrible and the discovery of the cheating behavior that they didn't know about.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: But what's even worse than that is to know that their partner who they thought they could trust has been lying.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it just opens this can of worms and makes them wonder how many lies are there?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: What are the lies has it been?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: How long has he been lying?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: What has he been lying about?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Is there more that I'm gonna find out?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if I do find that out, it's gonna hurt more, just like I did when I discovered initially the cheating behaviors.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So they start to go crazy and they start searching diligently for those answers because what they really want is the full truth so that they can make healthy choices for themselves.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And a clean phone doesn't fix anything.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: She finds nothing, she thinks he's deleted it, he's using his work computer, he's got another account, he's got better at hiding it.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: So even if they look at your phone and they don't see anything, they still don't trust that that's the whole truth.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then maybe she finds something, an old email, and that confirms that she has to keep looking.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Either way, you're both stuck in the loop.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Discovery, promises, checking, repeat.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the hard part.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: She might be right.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: A clean phone can mean you stopped.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: It can also mean you're white knuckling it, scared because she threatened to leave you, or just being more careful.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And she knows the difference between not getting caught and actually changing.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: So do you.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's because she knows her intuition tells her this.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And what happens is because she doesn't know exactly what the whole truth is, her intuition is playing tricks on her.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: So she assumes the worst.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, if you're a guy whose phone keeps getting searched and you're sick of living like a suspect in your own house, there's a link below to book a confidential call with our team.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a couples counseling.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is about ending the behavior, the cheating behavior you've tried to stop on your own and couldn't.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: So your wife stops needing to check to learn how to stop and then learn how to heal in the relationship so that trust can come back.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because eventually the question has to move from can I keep her from finding out to am I actually a different man, a changed person, an honest person who stopped the behavior, stopped lying, and has started the healing in the relationship?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the thing, your wife is not your recovery program.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Right now she's your therapist, your accountability partner, and your device monitor.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's not recovery, that's supervision.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you're only clean because she's watching, what happens when you travel?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when she's asleep?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: When you two fight or get angry and the feeling you feel rejected, what happens then?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: You need to know what to do in those moments without her watching, catching it, blocking it, or reminding you what you promised.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself this are you getting help without being told?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Are you accountable to other men or a professional?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Or is she the only person standing between you and your next slip?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing, it's not your fault, but it's still yours to fix.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're not a piece of garbage.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is an addiction that progressed over many years, right?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And nobody progresses on purpose.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: But it's not my fault, doesn't save your family.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Taking control of it does.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Two men can have the same clean phone, one is hiding better, one is being perfectly honest.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Only one of them keeps his family.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: So what's she really watching for?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Not whether your phone is clean, whether you told the truth before there's proof, whether you can hear how still scared she is and how hurt she is, not saying things like I told you I'd stop, what else can I do?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you're doing the work when things are going well, not just after you got caught, whether over months what you say and what you do start matching.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's what rebuilds trust.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Not one clean phone, not one good week, but becoming the one honest man instead of living a double life.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, if you're watching this and you're like, that's exactly me, that's exactly what's going on in my marriage.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I've done these behaviors, I've gotten caught, she checks everything.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Our marriage, I'm about to lose my marriage and maybe even my family.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link below and an opportunity for you to schedule a call with my team.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: We'll see what's going on.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Your wife can be on that call as well.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: We'll see if we can help you.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: We'll map out a plan.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: If we can help you, we'll let you know that we'll map out a plan of what it would look like to work together to get you long term sexual sobriety from your cheating behaviors and start the healing in your relationship.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if all this has you wondering whether your marriage can actually survive this, watch the next video popping up your screen now.