Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 466. Incredible sulk, Do I leap into a new life or am i just escaping? Toxic comments and unwavering opinions (Headnoise)

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466. Incredible sulk, Do I leap into a new life or am i just escaping? Toxic comments and unwavering opinions (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:19
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful Booms, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:23
Speaker 1: I'm actually just jumping in here before we get started
0:26
Speaker 1: on the topic of today's episode, to let you know,
0:28
Speaker 1: especially my Sydney beans, that I am doing a one
0:32
Speaker 1: off Sydney live show in February feb fourth. It's going
0:36
Speaker 1: to be unbelievable. It's going to be the best show yet.
0:39
Speaker 1: And I am apologizing because I left Sydney out of
0:43
Speaker 1: the Lost But Make It Look Intentional live show tour
0:46
Speaker 1: across Australia. It was unbelievable, but unfortunately I was not
0:49
Speaker 1: able to add Sydney on that to a list. But
0:51
Speaker 1: now we are coming back to Sydney with the Lost
0:55
Speaker 1: But Make It Look Intentional show, one last show off
0:57
Speaker 1: that tour, and it is going to be bigger and
1:00
Speaker 1: better than any other show I've ever done. So if
1:02
Speaker 1: you live in Sydney or really anywhere in the world,
1:05
Speaker 1: because I have had people come from New Zealand and
1:08
Speaker 1: Seattle by the way to my live shows from around
1:11
Speaker 1: the world love it so much. So if you live
1:13
Speaker 1: in Sydney or anywhere in the world, then head to
1:16
Speaker 1: dyfimpod dot com and click on the link for the
1:19
Speaker 1: live show tickets and by yourself a live show ticket.
1:23
Speaker 1: It's going to be epic. We're going to have things
1:25
Speaker 1: going on before and after. There's VIP tickets as well
1:28
Speaker 1: that are available where we're doing a meet and greet,
1:30
Speaker 1: we're doing drinks after, there's a whole it's all happening.
1:34
Speaker 1: So jump on the website get yourself a live show ticket.
1:38
Speaker 1: It's going to be on a Wednesday night, so maybe
1:41
Speaker 1: go have dinner, have drinks in the city and then
1:44
Speaker 1: come and change your life at the live show because
1:46
Speaker 1: I will. That's my aim to change your life anyway
1:49
Speaker 1: over and out. Love you guys so much. Let's get
1:51
Speaker 1: straight inedo the episode of today. Hell loove, beautiful people,
1:57
Speaker 1: and welcome to the head Noise episode of Today. So
2:00
Speaker 1: in today's head Noise episode, this is your emailed head
2:03
Speaker 1: noise questions. This is where you guys have head noise.
2:06
Speaker 1: You send it into me and we're try and unravel
2:08
Speaker 1: this noise together and hopefully give you a little bit
2:11
Speaker 1: of peace of mind, a little bit closer to making
2:14
Speaker 1: a decision or to you know, feeling a bit different
2:17
Speaker 1: or more hopeful about the situation that you are in. So,
2:19
Speaker 1: as usual, I try not to dive too deep into
2:22
Speaker 1: any other tangents or whatever before I get into a
2:24
Speaker 1: head noise episode. I want to dive straight in and
2:26
Speaker 1: begin answering your questions. We have some great, great questions.
2:30
Speaker 1: I also do really love how you guys title these,
2:37
Speaker 1: so please keep coming in hot with the titles because
2:41
Speaker 1: they are They really make my dreams come true. So
2:46
Speaker 1: some of these titles are going to be phenomenal. Anyway,
2:48
Speaker 1: Let's start with the first one. Let's get straight into it.
2:51
Speaker 1: Toxic comments and unwavering opinions. Hi, alexis long time listener here.
2:56
Speaker 1: Your podcast has been invaluable to me for the past
2:58
Speaker 1: several years, and I've grown so much from your no
3:00
Speaker 1: nonsense advice. Thank you. I'm the eldest daughter and I've
3:03
Speaker 1: always felt suffocated by family expectations and toxic comments. Growing up.
3:07
Speaker 1: There was always a lot of drama in my family.
3:09
Speaker 1: Extended family members would make mean and judgmental comments about
3:13
Speaker 1: me to my face, and no one would stand up
3:15
Speaker 1: for me. When I tried to stand up for myself,
3:17
Speaker 1: it would always get turned around that I was dramatic
3:19
Speaker 1: sensitive or someone would storm of crying in order to
3:22
Speaker 1: avoid accountability. Oh just yeah, yeah, I know this kind
3:27
Speaker 1: of family, not personally, but yeah, this is like a
3:30
Speaker 1: common theme with a lot of people, so yeah, unfortunately
3:33
Speaker 1: you're not alone. One of the comments that always bothered
3:35
Speaker 1: me was that I was cold and not nurturing or maternal.
3:39
Speaker 1: This hurt my feelings because I've always wanted children. My
3:42
Speaker 1: friends and my husband's family always flaviagasted when they hear
3:45
Speaker 1: about these comments, because they all see me as a
3:48
Speaker 1: very warm and loving person. I also care about my
3:51
Speaker 1: career and personal growth, so children weren't my first priority.
3:54
Speaker 1: I'm thirty one now married, and my husband and I
3:57
Speaker 1: desperately want a family, but the comments are still being made.
4:01
Speaker 1: My mother recently asked me how many kids I want,
4:03
Speaker 1: and when I responded with two, she quipped back that
4:05
Speaker 1: I'm only going to have one. When I asked her
4:08
Speaker 1: what she meant by that, she said that kids tie
4:11
Speaker 1: you down, and I enjoy living my life too much
4:13
Speaker 1: for that, and she knows me. For some backstory, my
4:16
Speaker 1: mother always told me I was selfish growing up. I'm
4:18
Speaker 1: very similar to my father in a lot of ways,
4:20
Speaker 1: and she holds a lot of resentment about that. And
4:22
Speaker 1: even though they're still married and presumably still in love.
4:25
Speaker 1: Every chance she gets, she tells me what decisions I'm
4:28
Speaker 1: going to make because I'm just like my father. Even
4:32
Speaker 1: when I'm telling her to her face, point blank what
4:34
Speaker 1: I think and want, she doesn't listen. She has a
4:37
Speaker 1: narrative in her head about me, and nothing I say
4:40
Speaker 1: or do will change it. It's like I can't even
4:42
Speaker 1: be my own person or have my own wants or desires.
4:45
Speaker 1: When I respond that I do, in fact want more
4:47
Speaker 1: than one child, she cuts me off and says, mark
4:50
Speaker 1: my words, you'll only have one. It is so infuriating. Yeah,
4:53
Speaker 1: I can imagine. I don't even know if this makes
4:56
Speaker 1: any sense without the context of my family history, but
4:58
Speaker 1: hopefully you can shed some light on how to shut
5:00
Speaker 1: down these comments and teach people how to treat me
5:02
Speaker 1: when they won't listen and either cut me off, start crying,
5:06
Speaker 1: play the victim, or stonewall me. Sincerely, exhausted eldest daughter.
5:11
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I think a lot of people listening
5:14
Speaker 1: to this right now will really be like feeling your
5:16
Speaker 1: pain because they've gone through something similar. Unfortunately, this is
5:20
Speaker 1: actually more common than I wish it was, and it's
5:23
Speaker 1: this kind of toxic family where they don't really want
5:26
Speaker 1: the best for you because maybe they felt that they've
5:28
Speaker 1: been hard done by and they project that onto you.
5:30
Speaker 1: And it's very very very very very layered. But it's
5:34
Speaker 1: not this. It's definitely not a healthy form of love
5:37
Speaker 1: where all these comments and projections are done in a
5:40
Speaker 1: way to make you feel smaller, to make you feel insecure,
5:43
Speaker 1: to cut you down. They don't want to see you flourishing,
5:45
Speaker 1: They don't want to see you be happy, all of
5:47
Speaker 1: the above. So the way I look at it is
5:51
Speaker 1: when I talk about teaching someone how to treat you,
5:54
Speaker 1: you ultimately can't. Really, you can't teach something that someone
5:58
Speaker 1: doesn't want to learn. Right, So when I talk about
6:00
Speaker 1: teaching someone how to treat you, you can't say from
6:03
Speaker 1: now when I want you to talk to me like this,
6:04
Speaker 1: I would like it for you to be That's not
6:06
Speaker 1: gonna work. So in this scenario, teaching your family how
6:10
Speaker 1: to treat you has to come through your behaviors and
6:12
Speaker 1: your actions or lack off behaviors and actions. Okay, So
6:16
Speaker 1: what I mean by that is if your family will
6:20
Speaker 1: always make a negative comment when you talk about your
6:22
Speaker 1: future and your wants to me, they have uninvited themselves
6:26
Speaker 1: to a conversation about my future. That's how I look
6:29
Speaker 1: at it. If every time I talk about my dreams
6:31
Speaker 1: or desires it's met with animosity, negativity, hopeful comment, I'm
6:36
Speaker 1: not gonna talk about my future anymore with you guys.
6:38
Speaker 1: Too bad for you. I've got friends, I've got my husband,
6:42
Speaker 1: I've got my husband's family. I've got nice people that
6:44
Speaker 1: actually like me doing well, that actually want to see
6:48
Speaker 1: me do well, that actually think I'm who I actually am.
6:53
Speaker 1: And if you don't want to see me for who
6:54
Speaker 1: I actually am, that's ultimately on you, and there's nothing
6:56
Speaker 1: I can do about it. But what I can do
6:58
Speaker 1: is I can save my breath. I can save my
7:00
Speaker 1: fucking breath when I'm dealing with you guys. So if
7:04
Speaker 1: you're gonna uninvite yourself from the intimate parts of my life,
7:07
Speaker 1: that's on you, okay. But I'm not gonna beg for
7:11
Speaker 1: you to have an insight into my life. I'm not
7:12
Speaker 1: gonna beg for you to listen to how I want
7:14
Speaker 1: my life to be. And if they ask your questions,
7:16
Speaker 1: if they ask questions about it, don't give them the answer.
7:19
Speaker 1: Just say we'll see. Oh, I don't know. Be so
7:23
Speaker 1: blase be so like and if they notice it, well,
7:28
Speaker 1: they've got an opportunity to change, don't they. And if
7:30
Speaker 1: they're annoyed about it, god forbid, there's repercussions to their
7:34
Speaker 1: fucking actions, you know. So personally, if my family was
7:39
Speaker 1: doing that, I'll be like, I'm not sharing any any
7:42
Speaker 1: and I don't tell them. Might you don't make an
7:44
Speaker 1: announcement because they'll again, they'll play the victim. They'll start
7:46
Speaker 1: crying and be like, oh my god, you know, after
7:48
Speaker 1: everything I've done for you? No no, no no no no
7:50
Speaker 1: no no no no no no. Less is more When
7:53
Speaker 1: dealing with these kinds of people, I don't care if
7:55
Speaker 1: they're your family, which they are, less is fucking more.
7:58
Speaker 1: So next time they ask about your future, brush it off.
8:01
Speaker 1: You're not going into it. You are not going into it.
8:04
Speaker 1: They are done as far as access to your hopes
8:08
Speaker 1: and dreams for your future and whatever. If they want
8:10
Speaker 1: to see you as cold, that's an image they've created
8:13
Speaker 1: in their own mind. That is just them gaslighting you,
8:17
Speaker 1: because you're actually not cold. Everyone else outside of them
8:20
Speaker 1: sees the real you. They're saying that to make you
8:23
Speaker 1: feel small. They're saying that so that way maybe you
8:27
Speaker 1: aarc up and then they're able to be like, oh
8:29
Speaker 1: see you're angry, you're cold, Why are you so wrong?
8:32
Speaker 1: They're baiting you, baiting, baiting, baiting. You know, that's what
8:35
Speaker 1: people do when the people that love drama can't handle
8:38
Speaker 1: someone that's not like wanting to be involved in that drama.
8:42
Speaker 1: So they're trying and cut you down. They try and
8:43
Speaker 1: pull you down a few pegs. That's what they're trying
8:45
Speaker 1: to do. Okay, family or not, that's what these people
8:49
Speaker 1: try to do. So you have to think every time
8:52
Speaker 1: you're going to interact with your family, less is more.
8:54
Speaker 1: If they want a superficial relationship, so be it, so
8:58
Speaker 1: be it. Because every time I've tried to actually have
9:00
Speaker 1: a nice, you know, closer relationship where I talk about
9:02
Speaker 1: my future or the desire for kids, which you'd think
9:05
Speaker 1: would be very welcomed by the family because it's a family,
9:08
Speaker 1: it's you having children. Like what just blows my mind
9:11
Speaker 1: that you know your parents wouldn't or your mother wouldn't
9:13
Speaker 1: be like you know what, that's that's really fucking lovely
9:15
Speaker 1: that you want two kids and let's talk about it
9:17
Speaker 1: and what would the future look like? You know, to
9:19
Speaker 1: say oh, not my words, that's exhausting. You would be exhausted.
9:23
Speaker 1: You literally said, exhausted eldest daughter. I'm sure you are. Okay,
9:28
Speaker 1: So next time she asks d we'll see. And if
9:32
Speaker 1: she prods, change the topic, change the subject, don't go
9:36
Speaker 1: down that path with her, and two things are gonna happen.
9:40
Speaker 1: She will get annoyed for sure, to try and push back.
9:43
Speaker 1: You will not bite the bait. You will not bite
9:45
Speaker 1: the bait. If she questions you about it, just be like, NA,
9:48
Speaker 1: it's fine. If she gets annoyed, being like anyway, I've
9:50
Speaker 1: got to go, and you leave, okay. Do not get
9:53
Speaker 1: it emotional. Do not get upset the next time you
9:56
Speaker 1: come over it. Same pattern, same pattern, same pattern. She's
9:59
Speaker 1: either gonna stop us you all together about your future
10:01
Speaker 1: because there's just no opportunity for her to make a
10:03
Speaker 1: negative comment, or she'll change. I doubt she change. But
10:06
Speaker 1: if she changes, phenomenal, phenomenal. But you no longer have
10:10
Speaker 1: to be exposed to that shit because you're not going
10:11
Speaker 1: to buy into it. You don't need to convince anyone
10:13
Speaker 1: off anything. You don't need to convince people of shit.
10:16
Speaker 1: If someone wants to think that you're cold, that's in
10:18
Speaker 1: their head. That's her decision. Okay, and you know what
10:22
Speaker 1: you are cold, I'll fucking show you cold. I will
10:24
Speaker 1: show you cold anyway. That's me getting annoyed. M yeap
10:29
Speaker 1: less is more. Hang around people that actually listen to
10:33
Speaker 1: what you have to say about what you want and
10:35
Speaker 1: who appreciate it and acknowledge it. Thank you for writing
10:38
Speaker 1: in great question. I'm also fucking exhausted and frustrated on
10:42
Speaker 1: your behalf. Hopefully that helped. And good on you for
10:45
Speaker 1: wanting to start your own family and wanting two kids.
10:48
Speaker 1: I love that for you. Go forth, and it is fun.
10:51
Speaker 1: By the way, it's fun. So people say, oh, you
10:54
Speaker 1: will have no fun. They're going to tell you now
10:55
Speaker 1: fuck off, fuck off. You might have felt tied down,
10:58
Speaker 1: but I won't. Thank you very much, so on your
11:00
Speaker 1: married way since seconds. Next question, love this love this title.
11:11
Speaker 1: Do I leap into a new life or am I
11:13
Speaker 1: just escaping? Firstly, love the podcast. I've been listening to
11:18
Speaker 1: you for years and you've helped me through many challenges
11:20
Speaker 1: and decisions. And congrats on the twins. Thank you. I'd
11:24
Speaker 1: love your advice on something. I'm in my early twenties
11:26
Speaker 1: and i'm feeling really unsure about what decision to take
11:29
Speaker 1: in my life. I finished studying a few years ago
11:31
Speaker 1: and recently moved back to my hometown after living for
11:33
Speaker 1: four years living away for four years. Now that I'm back,
11:37
Speaker 1: everything feels the same, but I don't feel the same
11:40
Speaker 1: at all. I don't know. I'm struggling to feel like
11:43
Speaker 1: I belong here, and I almost don't feel like myself anymore.
11:46
Speaker 1: I think a big part of it is that I'm
11:48
Speaker 1: living back at home after having my own place for
11:50
Speaker 1: so long. I used to feel so independent and clear headed,
11:53
Speaker 1: and now I'm a bit stuck and disconnected from the
11:56
Speaker 1: version of myself I worked so hard to become. Oh,
11:58
Speaker 1: there's so much I can say to this I can't
11:59
Speaker 1: wait to And on top of that, I'm possibly signed
12:02
Speaker 1: up for a PT course, which I've nearly finished. Even
12:04
Speaker 1: though I'm still I still really love nursing. So now
12:07
Speaker 1: I'm a bit confused about what career direction I'm meant
12:09
Speaker 1: to follow. I was planning on doing both, but I'm
12:12
Speaker 1: an all or nothing sort of person, and I feel
12:14
Speaker 1: like I need to fully commit to as to personal training.
12:17
Speaker 1: While starting off, I keep getting the urge to move
12:19
Speaker 1: to the gold Coust for a fresh start, but I'm
12:21
Speaker 1: scared because I don't know anyone there, and it feels
12:23
Speaker 1: like I'd be starting again from zero. At the same time,
12:25
Speaker 1: nothing's really keeping me here. I'm single, I don't have
12:28
Speaker 1: any ties. I've always been someone who knew exactly what
12:30
Speaker 1: she wanted, but right now I genuinely don't. I also
12:33
Speaker 1: really want to travel to Europe. Love that, but I'm
12:36
Speaker 1: worried I won't have the funds if I move again
12:38
Speaker 1: so soon. How do I know whether it's the right
12:40
Speaker 1: time to take a leap or if it's just running away?
12:42
Speaker 1: And how do you figure out your next steps when
12:44
Speaker 1: you when your head and heart are pulling you in
12:46
Speaker 1: different directions? Thank you so much, Okay, love the question. Now,
12:52
Speaker 1: what I want to talk about is you say you
12:55
Speaker 1: feel used to feel so independent and clear headed. Now
12:57
Speaker 1: you feel stuck, you feel disconnected from the version of yourself.
12:59
Speaker 1: And then prior to that, you said you're you almost
13:02
Speaker 1: don't feel like yourself anymore. So this is what we're
13:05
Speaker 1: going to talk about. A lot of us changing our
13:09
Speaker 1: image and our identity and who we are, and we
13:11
Speaker 1: want when we want to like, we want to evolve
13:13
Speaker 1: into the new version of ourselves. I always say that
13:15
Speaker 1: it's way easier to become that new version of yourself
13:18
Speaker 1: when you move countries or when you move cities, because
13:21
Speaker 1: it really is a fresh start. Because your identity, there's
13:23
Speaker 1: two parts to your identities. That there's you, right and
13:26
Speaker 1: how you see yourself. But there's the version of you
13:29
Speaker 1: that all the people closest to you know. So even
13:32
Speaker 1: though you can change yourself whenever you want, it takes
13:35
Speaker 1: a while for the people around you who know you
13:37
Speaker 1: really well, your hometown or your family, or your friends
13:39
Speaker 1: or whoever it is, it takes a while for them
13:41
Speaker 1: to acknowledge that change and start acknowledging you as the
13:44
Speaker 1: new version of you. So you've gone, you've grown and evolved.
13:48
Speaker 1: It's not you haven't put it on. It's not fake,
13:50
Speaker 1: it's not this. It's an evolution off you, right, and
13:53
Speaker 1: you've evolved into the next step of who you are
13:57
Speaker 1: in your life. Then you've come back and you're saying, oh,
14:00
Speaker 1: don't feel like myself anymore. You are yourself. You don't
14:02
Speaker 1: feel like your old self anymore, but you feel torn
14:06
Speaker 1: because everyone else is expecting the old you. Right, you're
14:11
Speaker 1: saying and not saying that they're doing it in an
14:12
Speaker 1: evil way. It's just the whole everything is kind of
14:15
Speaker 1: in a position where they're like kind of waiting back
14:17
Speaker 1: for the old U. And that's why you probably feel torn,
14:19
Speaker 1: because you're like, it's a different me now, it's you know,
14:22
Speaker 1: it's different. You know you're back at home. You're all
14:25
Speaker 1: of this. Even if you're in an extremely loving environment,
14:27
Speaker 1: it's not no shade on anyone around you unless there
14:31
Speaker 1: are wholes, in which case all the shade, all the
14:33
Speaker 1: fucking shade to you. But it really comes down to,
14:36
Speaker 1: I feel torn because I have evolved, and now that
14:38
Speaker 1: I'm back, you're telling yourself, I don't feel like myself anymore.
14:41
Speaker 1: I don't. No, No, you do feel like yourself. It's
14:44
Speaker 1: just an evolved self that doesn't slot into this old life.
14:47
Speaker 1: You've brought the new and evolved self from where you
14:48
Speaker 1: lived overseas for four years, and you've brought it back
14:51
Speaker 1: to where your old self used to fit in quite easily. Okay,
14:55
Speaker 1: doesn't fit in anymore. It doesn't work anymore. Okay. So,
14:59
Speaker 1: in my opinion, if I were you, this is what
15:02
Speaker 1: I do. You clearly have no issues setting yourself up
15:04
Speaker 1: and making friends and all of that. You did it.
15:06
Speaker 1: You lived over sist four years. You obviously had a
15:08
Speaker 1: great time. Otherwise you would not have been there for
15:10
Speaker 1: four years. Right, So what I would recommend you do
15:12
Speaker 1: is that you move to the Gold Coast. Okay, you
15:15
Speaker 1: keep getting the urge to move to the Gold Coast
15:17
Speaker 1: for a fresh start, Okay, do it. This is the
15:20
Speaker 1: next iteration of your life. Right. You also said that
15:23
Speaker 1: you want to go to Europe. But is this just
15:25
Speaker 1: more traveling? Because you can do both. You can establish
15:28
Speaker 1: yourself on the Gold Coast, set yourself up, start saving money,
15:30
Speaker 1: get your place, have your friends. Also, if you're looking
15:33
Speaker 1: at pet and all of that, the Gold Coast is
15:35
Speaker 1: filled with gyms and communities and run clubs. You will
15:39
Speaker 1: make friends like that. Okay, so that's not gonna be
15:43
Speaker 1: a problem. You're going to establish yourself. You're going to
15:45
Speaker 1: find your people at your gym or at your work
15:47
Speaker 1: or wherever. You will be fine. You will pick up
15:51
Speaker 1: no time, a lifestyle that makes you happy, and then
15:54
Speaker 1: you can travel to Europe. The question really here is
15:58
Speaker 1: do I want to live abroad or do I just
16:00
Speaker 1: want to travel more. If the answer is just traveling,
16:03
Speaker 1: I would first establish myself on the Gold Coast. There
16:06
Speaker 1: is no better time than now to start your new life.
16:09
Speaker 1: You're just wasting time somewhere where you're like, I've outgrown
16:12
Speaker 1: this place. I'd love to come back to visit. Love
16:15
Speaker 1: the people here, but it's just not me anymore. It's
16:17
Speaker 1: just doesn't align with who the fuck I am right now.
16:19
Speaker 1: So I need to move. And you said you got
16:21
Speaker 1: nothing's really keeping you there. You're single, you don't have
16:23
Speaker 1: any tiesla la h lah. Go to the Gold Coast.
16:26
Speaker 1: Go to the Gold Coast, and if you are going
16:29
Speaker 1: to do the PTE thing, maybe this is your opportunity
16:31
Speaker 1: to go all in and do all of that at
16:34
Speaker 1: Once you move, you start a set. Because what I
16:37
Speaker 1: am going to say about pt is that if you're
16:40
Speaker 1: good at it and you're doing well, you flourish. You're
16:42
Speaker 1: gonna love your life. You thrive. But it takes a
16:44
Speaker 1: little bit. Everyone's different, but it takes a bit to
16:46
Speaker 1: build up that clientele, build up that. You don't want
16:49
Speaker 1: to build that up in a place that you don't
16:50
Speaker 1: see yourself being in long term, mark my words. You
16:53
Speaker 1: do not want to do that because then it's exhausting
16:55
Speaker 1: and then you're like oh, and there's another reason why
16:56
Speaker 1: you're going to stay and why you're not going to go.
16:58
Speaker 1: You'll be like, oh, but all these clients and my clients,
16:59
Speaker 1: and it took wild. Don't start building up your fucking
17:02
Speaker 1: client portfolio where you don't want to live. Move to
17:05
Speaker 1: the Gold Coast, establish yourself there. If you choose to
17:07
Speaker 1: do the pet thing, that's when you're going to start.
17:09
Speaker 1: That's when you're going to start building your community. People
17:11
Speaker 1: get to know you for who you are, your people.
17:13
Speaker 1: You can start ditching classes, all whatever it is. It's
17:16
Speaker 1: going to be in this fresh start where you go.
17:17
Speaker 1: So that's that is my opinion. Love this for you. Okay,
17:22
Speaker 1: next question, it's called this is the best title, The
17:28
Speaker 1: Incredible Sulk. Okay, Dear Alexis, I've just finished listening to
17:33
Speaker 1: Head Noise. To a Head Noise episode where you were
17:34
Speaker 1: giving advice on managing expectations and setting boundaries in sibling relationships.
17:40
Speaker 1: It really struck a chord with me and I feel
17:41
Speaker 1: like I can apply your advice to my relationship with
17:43
Speaker 1: my husband. However, one thing my husband does that I
17:46
Speaker 1: really struggle with is sulking. That's so fucking annoying. If
17:51
Speaker 1: he's unhappy about something I've said or done, he will
17:55
Speaker 1: start to sulk. Even if I apologize straight away and
17:58
Speaker 1: try to explain my actions, I will continue to sulk,
18:01
Speaker 1: usually for days. That's so annoying. I find this so
18:06
Speaker 1: hard to deal with. I start to feel very isolated
18:09
Speaker 1: and unhappy, and even have catastrophic thoughts about ending our marriage. Yeah,
18:13
Speaker 1: I get that. Do you have any advice on dealing
18:15
Speaker 1: with this behavior? I try really hard not to do
18:17
Speaker 1: anything to make him go into a sulk, but I
18:19
Speaker 1: don't think that it's possible to never annoy someone that
18:22
Speaker 1: you live with and see every day. I would really
18:24
Speaker 1: appreciate any advice you have on this. Okay, now, this
18:29
Speaker 1: without like, I don't really know your husband that well,
18:31
Speaker 1: so I don't want to start like labeling and you
18:33
Speaker 1: know whatever. But this is a form of emotional manipulation,
18:36
Speaker 1: you know. And he might not be doing it intentionally
18:38
Speaker 1: to hurt you. This might be something that he's picked
18:41
Speaker 1: up in his family dynamic, or in whatever in his
18:44
Speaker 1: time in life. But this is a way of emotionally
18:47
Speaker 1: manipulating you because look what happens. You said, I really
18:52
Speaker 1: try hard not to do anything to make him go
18:54
Speaker 1: into a sulk. Okay, that's kind of like I'm not
18:58
Speaker 1: saying he is, but it's kind of also, what a
19:00
Speaker 1: covert narcissist does. You know, you've got your overt narcissists
19:03
Speaker 1: like I'm gonna snap and blow up. A covert narcissist
19:05
Speaker 1: is like, oh, I'm a victim. I can't believe he
19:07
Speaker 1: said that. I think you're like, oh my god, like
19:08
Speaker 1: this is so painful. Now I've got to like manage
19:11
Speaker 1: how I'm going to like manage this person's emotions, and
19:14
Speaker 1: it's so exhausting. So instead of just being who I am,
19:19
Speaker 1: which might annoy him, saying what's on my mind, which
19:22
Speaker 1: might upset him, but I'm just being honest, and I'm
19:25
Speaker 1: the right to do that, just like he also has
19:26
Speaker 1: the right to do that. I hold back from doing
19:29
Speaker 1: that because I don't want to hurt him. I don't
19:31
Speaker 1: want him sulking. I don't want to deal with the sulking.
19:35
Speaker 1: I don't want to deal with being kind of cut
19:37
Speaker 1: out for a couple of days, or being like pushed
19:39
Speaker 1: aside or shut off. I don't want to have to
19:42
Speaker 1: deal with that. So what's happening is that is manipulation
19:45
Speaker 1: he's manipulating you intentionally unintentionally, that's a manipulation. If you're
19:50
Speaker 1: walking on eggshells saying, oh, you're gonna sold if I
19:53
Speaker 1: do that, So I'm not gonna do that. You're not
19:55
Speaker 1: really comfortable in your own skin. So no wonder you're
19:58
Speaker 1: having catastrophic thoughts about it the marriage. If you can't
20:00
Speaker 1: feel one hundred percent comfortable in your skin and being
20:04
Speaker 1: honest with him and being able to say what's on
20:07
Speaker 1: your mind. I'm guessing you're saying it in a kind
20:10
Speaker 1: and polite way, it still offends him. Then yeah, you
20:12
Speaker 1: are going to question if you want to be in
20:13
Speaker 1: that marriage because your partner is supposed to be your person.
20:17
Speaker 1: Your husband is supposed to be your person who you
20:19
Speaker 1: can be one hundred percent yourself around. If someone is
20:22
Speaker 1: kind of punishing you for saying something or doing something
20:26
Speaker 1: with days where you're getting pushed aside, then you're not
20:31
Speaker 1: going to feel like you can be yourself in that relationship.
20:33
Speaker 1: So this requires a very very stern conversation with your husband.
20:38
Speaker 1: Very stern. Okay, so you can say you're entitled to
20:42
Speaker 1: feel offended if I raise something. You are also entitled
20:47
Speaker 1: to say you know to pull me up if I
20:49
Speaker 1: am rude in the way that I raise something, or
20:51
Speaker 1: if I do you can pull me up on things, okay,
20:54
Speaker 1: but this has to be a conversation. This can't be
20:57
Speaker 1: you getting all emotional and sulky and disappearing. If you
21:01
Speaker 1: want to sulk, do it on your own time. Okay,
21:03
Speaker 1: go away, have a sulk in the park alone, and
21:07
Speaker 1: then come back to the household and have a conversation
21:09
Speaker 1: with me. Okay. You can still say I don't like
21:12
Speaker 1: how you did that, and I feel like you're rude
21:13
Speaker 1: when you think and am I rude? Let's talk about it.
21:16
Speaker 1: Why do you feel that way? Or you know, we
21:18
Speaker 1: can still have conversations. You can still pull me up
21:20
Speaker 1: on my shit. If I'm being inappropriate or rude, or
21:22
Speaker 1: if I've dismissed you, or if I've done something to
21:24
Speaker 1: annoy you, we can talk about it. But if you're
21:26
Speaker 1: going to sulk for days, do it on your own
21:30
Speaker 1: watch mate. Okay, I'm not interested. I'm not fucking interested
21:33
Speaker 1: because that is not a relationship. That is not how
21:35
Speaker 1: people communicate, and you will wear the relationship down. I'm
21:40
Speaker 1: here trying to build it up. I'm here trying to
21:42
Speaker 1: strengthen it. I'm here trying to say, you know, what
21:45
Speaker 1: can we do when you get hurt? What's something that
21:48
Speaker 1: we can do in the moment that makes you feel
21:50
Speaker 1: secure in the relationship. And it's just something that we
21:53
Speaker 1: can discuss in the moment, or maybe you go away
21:56
Speaker 1: for ten minutes process of feelings and then you come
21:58
Speaker 1: back and then we can discuss it instead of you
22:00
Speaker 1: thinking I need to make her feel so bad for
22:03
Speaker 1: saying something or doing something that she never wants to
22:05
Speaker 1: say something or do something ever again, because I'm not
22:07
Speaker 1: gonna stand for that. That I won't stand for Okay.
22:09
Speaker 1: And if this keeps going on and on and on,
22:11
Speaker 1: where you're gonna solk for days on end for days,
22:13
Speaker 1: and the only thing that's going to achieve is pushing
22:15
Speaker 1: me further and further and further away. That doesn't make
22:17
Speaker 1: me feel close to you, That does not encourage trust
22:21
Speaker 1: and security and a sense of security and safety within
22:24
Speaker 1: my own marriage. Okay. So if you're trying to make
22:27
Speaker 1: me feel shit about this relationship, you're succeeding. Okay. So
22:32
Speaker 1: do you want that say that home monolog to him?
22:36
Speaker 1: And if he starts to sulk, then I would seriously
22:38
Speaker 1: start and it's not about ultimatums, but I would seriously
22:41
Speaker 1: start to reconsider what this marriage looks like, okay, because
22:44
Speaker 1: this cannot be something that goes on forever. That is
22:46
Speaker 1: bullshit and you've got better shit to do with your time, okay,
22:49
Speaker 1: better shit to do with your time. So it really
22:52
Speaker 1: needs a hard conversation. And if he's open to change,
22:55
Speaker 1: then say, okay, is this something that we can work
22:57
Speaker 1: on together? Would you prefer work on this with a therapy?
23:00
Speaker 1: Would you want to work on this together for the
23:01
Speaker 1: next few months? And if we don't see any change,
23:04
Speaker 1: then maybe that calls for we go to therapy. Because
23:06
Speaker 1: if he's open to changing, epic great, because he cares
23:11
Speaker 1: about the marriage, he cares about you, and he might
23:13
Speaker 1: be like, you know what, I've gotten away with this behavior,
23:14
Speaker 1: but I don't want to fucking lose you or I
23:16
Speaker 1: don't want this marriage to go down the drain. So yeah,
23:19
Speaker 1: maybe this is an opportunity. And you're not there attacking.
23:21
Speaker 1: You're not their character assassinating. You're saying, I'm not sure
23:24
Speaker 1: where these behaviors have been picked up from. Doesn't really matter.
23:26
Speaker 1: What we are going to do is try and turn
23:28
Speaker 1: these behaviors around. Do you agree that it's not helping
23:31
Speaker 1: the marriage? Okay, so just talk about his behaviors. Just
23:34
Speaker 1: talk about the sol. Don't say you are there so
23:37
Speaker 1: you're a fucking because that's going to make him shut
23:39
Speaker 1: down even more, and then you really will be the
23:41
Speaker 1: incredible soulk forever after that. Okay. So yeah, this needs
23:46
Speaker 1: to be nipped in the butt. This is inappropriate, inappropriate
23:49
Speaker 1: behavior in a marriage. Okay, thank you for sending that.
23:52
Speaker 1: In final question, great title again, old friend resurrected from
23:59
Speaker 1: the dead just to talk shit about my boyfriend? Love this.
24:02
Speaker 1: I love your pod and I listened to it on
24:04
Speaker 1: my way to work. You're the only person who can
24:05
Speaker 1: make me laugh, reflect and psycho analyze my choices all
24:08
Speaker 1: before nine am. So I have a story that I'd
24:11
Speaker 1: like to share and get your opinion on. It's very unserious,
24:13
Speaker 1: but it just bugs me. I have this old high
24:16
Speaker 1: school best friend who I lost touch with on not
24:18
Speaker 1: one but two occasions. For context, we were best friends
24:21
Speaker 1: all through high school. However, the group we were in
24:23
Speaker 1: was toxic. I clashed with another girl who was notorious
24:25
Speaker 1: for creating drama and then playing the victim afterwards. When
24:28
Speaker 1: you try to hold her accountable, she would just use
24:30
Speaker 1: mental health as a cop out. But the time high
24:32
Speaker 1: school ended, I was very sick of the dynamic. Around
24:35
Speaker 1: this time, I also began dating my now boyfriend. They
24:37
Speaker 1: weren't very warm to him or happy for me, so
24:40
Speaker 1: it always felt awkward. I felt like the outsider in
24:42
Speaker 1: the group, so I chose to slowly distance myself. This
24:45
Speaker 1: caused the friendship to end very dramatically. Of course, I
24:47
Speaker 1: was casted as the villain. Yeave for me. Fast forward
24:51
Speaker 1: three years, I'm working at a retail place part time
24:53
Speaker 1: and my old best friend would always pop in. Since
24:56
Speaker 1: she was nice to me and would say hello, I
24:58
Speaker 1: reached out to her. I wasn't expecting to rekindle the
25:00
Speaker 1: friendship to match the past. It was more of a hey, hope,
25:03
Speaker 1: there's no hard feelings for my own closure. However, she
25:06
Speaker 1: insisted on catching up from the get go. I told
25:09
Speaker 1: her I wasn't interested in rekindling with that other girl,
25:12
Speaker 1: but I insisted that I respected her friendship with her.
25:15
Speaker 1: She's just not my cup of tea. Anyway. After a
25:18
Speaker 1: few catch ups, she ghosted me. So this friend that
25:21
Speaker 1: obviously you were talking to not the one that you
25:22
Speaker 1: weren't talking to. Okay. She ghosted me months past and
25:26
Speaker 1: I thought to myself, it's just time to move on,
25:27
Speaker 1: so I removed her form my socials. Fast forward to
25:30
Speaker 1: the present. She's doing a UNIQU placement and she happens
25:33
Speaker 1: to be working with my good friend. On the last
25:36
Speaker 1: day of her placement, she pulls my friend aside and says, oh, hey,
25:39
Speaker 1: I know you. She then takes this opportunity to talk
25:42
Speaker 1: about me and bad mouth my relationship. I've been with
25:46
Speaker 1: him for nearly eight years. He's the love of my
25:48
Speaker 1: life and the sweetest person. She tried to entice my
25:51
Speaker 1: friend into gossip by saying they met in a bad way,
25:54
Speaker 1: followed by she can do better than him. So my
25:57
Speaker 1: question is am I being overly sensitive? And if she
26:01
Speaker 1: has the audacity to say that to someone who's close
26:03
Speaker 1: to me, I'm worried what nonsense she's making up to anyone.
26:06
Speaker 1: It's just a shame. Why can't people be happy for others?
26:10
Speaker 1: You know what, I don't want to say you're being
26:11
Speaker 1: overly sensitive, but you are being sensitive to this. This
26:14
Speaker 1: woman has no part in your life. These people, unfortunately,
26:19
Speaker 1: are all over the place. It's because they thrive off drama,
26:23
Speaker 1: and if drama isn't happening around them, unfortunately they have
26:25
Speaker 1: to create a bit of drama. You know, she goes
26:27
Speaker 1: to you, who knows why? Who cares? Is this the
26:30
Speaker 1: caliber of friend that you actually want? Like, honestly, you've
26:34
Speaker 1: moved on. It's three years down the line, You've got
26:36
Speaker 1: a partner that you really love. You've got obviously new
26:39
Speaker 1: friends because she's working with one of your good friends.
26:41
Speaker 1: You know, like you've got like, you've got new friends,
26:43
Speaker 1: You've got new like fuck it, you know, this is
26:46
Speaker 1: where you've got to be like, you know what, These
26:48
Speaker 1: people and going to live their sad existence however they
26:52
Speaker 1: choose to do. So I don't need to be a
26:53
Speaker 1: part of that, And don't worry about what nonsense she
26:56
Speaker 1: makes up to anyone else. I wouldn't worry because if
27:00
Speaker 1: it's someone who knows you, like your friend, your friend
27:02
Speaker 1: obviously came telling you straight away being like lol, like
27:05
Speaker 1: this is what she said about you and your partner.
27:07
Speaker 1: Did she believe it? She goes, Oh my god, I
27:10
Speaker 1: can't bear it. No, she didn't. I think she straight
27:12
Speaker 1: away could tell from a mile away that this woman
27:16
Speaker 1: or child is toxic and is just spreading rumors. That's
27:20
Speaker 1: why she came and told you straight away. Okay, that's
27:23
Speaker 1: the first thing. Secondly, you're saying, you know, if she
27:25
Speaker 1: has the audacity to say that's to someone who's close
27:27
Speaker 1: to me, I'm worried what nonsense she's going to make
27:29
Speaker 1: up to anyone. She's probably going to find it more
27:32
Speaker 1: entertaining to make up things to people that are close
27:34
Speaker 1: to you, because she's trying to sabotage you. That's obviously
27:36
Speaker 1: where she gets her kicks. But even if she was
27:39
Speaker 1: talking to randoms, most people who have some semblance off
27:44
Speaker 1: kind of social awareness, even just a sceric off, it
27:48
Speaker 1: can kind of pick out when someone is just spreading
27:51
Speaker 1: gossip and rumors for the sake of it. If someone
27:53
Speaker 1: came up to me and started spreading absolute rumors about
27:56
Speaker 1: someone who got together with a partner eight years ago
27:58
Speaker 1: who I don't even know, I'd be like, brother, go
28:02
Speaker 1: west your breath on someone else, Like, I'm not interested,
28:04
Speaker 1: I don't care, right, so I don't think it really matters.
28:08
Speaker 1: I don't think it really matters. And at the end
28:09
Speaker 1: of the day, you can really tell when someone's gossiping
28:13
Speaker 1: for the sake of gossiping. Most people can, okay, And
28:15
Speaker 1: if they do believe her, so you don't know them,
28:19
Speaker 1: who cares. They've got other shit to like, who cares?
28:21
Speaker 1: If they believe her, they don't know you. And if
28:23
Speaker 1: the people close to you hear her out, they're probably
28:26
Speaker 1: not gonna believe it because they're close to you. Do
28:28
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Like, don't let it affect you.
28:30
Speaker 1: You can't because you can't control it. That's the thing.
28:33
Speaker 1: You cannot control it, and it's not even close enough
28:36
Speaker 1: to you to need to do anything about it. You've
28:38
Speaker 1: removed her of socials. You're not her friend anymore. She's
28:40
Speaker 1: probably just insecure and shitty that you've removed her of socials.
28:44
Speaker 1: If I were you, yes, you are being sensitive. My
28:45
Speaker 1: answer is you are being sensitive. I don't know about
28:47
Speaker 1: overly sensitive, but I wouldn't let it would It's like,
28:49
Speaker 1: you know what, enjoy your life. Enjoy your life being
28:54
Speaker 1: this negative Nancy. No offense to anyone called Nancy who's listening.
28:57
Speaker 1: Love you so much, but that, yeah, that's just high
29:02
Speaker 1: school bullshit. Do you know what? There are actually people
29:05
Speaker 1: and you're going to notice this anyone listening after high
29:08
Speaker 1: school there are going to be people where high school
29:10
Speaker 1: was the glory days. I'm like eighteen years out of
29:13
Speaker 1: high school, and there are still people from my high
29:15
Speaker 1: school that kind of behave in a way where that
29:18
Speaker 1: was the prime of their life. And that might be
29:21
Speaker 1: the case for this girl that we're talking about, this
29:24
Speaker 1: woman that we're talking about, that's the prime of their life,
29:26
Speaker 1: that's where they really flourished, and they haven't really taken
29:29
Speaker 1: the time or the energy to become better, to grow,
29:32
Speaker 1: to evolve, to mature. And so then they really look
29:36
Speaker 1: back and they still, you know, engage in these behaviors
29:39
Speaker 1: that is kind of acceptable for a teenager but not
29:41
Speaker 1: really acceptable for an adult. And they keep trying to
29:43
Speaker 1: like bring people in and behave that way, and they're
29:45
Speaker 1: only going to attract like people, okay, like attracts like
29:48
Speaker 1: So they're going to keep festering with that mentality with
29:50
Speaker 1: the same kind of people while everyone else around them evolves.
29:53
Speaker 1: So for you, it's your decision to just evolve and
29:56
Speaker 1: move on, which you did. Obviously you cut her out.
29:58
Speaker 1: You know what you're doing, You know what you're doing.
29:59
Speaker 1: Just don't be so sensitive about it, because that's the
30:02
Speaker 1: two kinds of people, people who think that their prime
30:04
Speaker 1: was behind them, and people who know that their prime
30:06
Speaker 1: is actually ahead of them. So which camp are you in?
30:10
Speaker 1: Obviously you know the latter. Yeah, thanks for writing in,
30:14
Speaker 1: But anyone who's in that situation, like, just honestly, if anything,
30:17
Speaker 1: I'd pity them, I would not feel threatened or annoyed
30:19
Speaker 1: or whatever. I'd be like, that's sad, sad little existence. Anyway,
30:24
Speaker 1: Good times. Thank you everyone for sending in your head noise.
30:27
Speaker 1: I love the titles, I love the questions, I love
30:30
Speaker 1: everything about it. Good times. As always, remember be kind
30:33
Speaker 1: to yourself. You can't you your brain. Don't text from anyone,
30:36
Speaker 1: and especially don't take shit from yourself duncan