Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Is my best friend gaslighting me? | From olympic medals to starting again - Advice Episode

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Is my best friend gaslighting me? | From olympic medals to starting again - Advice Episode · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: This is a Head Noise episode question. This is where
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: you guys send in your questions. I give you my advice.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: If I can't actually give you an answer, what I
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: aim to do is get you as close to finding
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: your own answer for you. I try and at the
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: very least get you to maybe view your situation from
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: several different angles, maybe come to some sort of a
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: realization that maybe you haven't already. And yeah, if I
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: can't say this is exactly what you should do or
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: what I would do in your position, then hopefully we
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: get as close to you finding some clarity or closure
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: as possible. Life updates. I, not much. I'm recording this. Well,
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: everything's great. I'm recording this the week before this episode
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: goes out. So on Friday, I'm going to Bury with
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: my best friend Liv and our partners and San's children, right?
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: So we were actually thinking about going to New Zealand
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: this weekend coming because our friends Lucy and Nikki are
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: hosting Snow Machine down there. We're like, this would be
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: so cool to go to New Zealand and go, We
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: got people taking care of our kids, like respectively, like
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: obviously the twins and then Liv's kids, or Liv's kid.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: But we were like, I don't know if I'm just
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: getting old or if it's got to do with the
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: fact that we've got kids, but I'm like to go
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: to New Zealand just for three days, two to three days.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: you know, not, I know it's a short flight, but
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: like the airport, this, that, getting there, going to a
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: music festival, snowboarding or skiing and then coming home. I'm
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: going to be fucking exhausted. And when you're exhausted, you're
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: coming back and then you've got to be on to parent.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: So it's kind of like, I feel that it's just
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: too short and so much going on that we thought
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: let's do New Zealand, but maybe for a full week
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: next year or something like that, we go as a
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: group of friends. So that's definitely on the cards, but
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: for later down the line. But because we already had
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: people looking after our kids. Like my sister is coming
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: over and staying at my place and looking after the twins.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: And she's so excited. And I said to her, I
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: was like, oh, well, we're not going to New Zealand anymore.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: So she's like, if you take away this weekend, if
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: you take this weekend away from me with the twins,
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be so upset. And I'm like, well,
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: my next question was, would you still be, you know,
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: do you want that weekend back? Or would you be
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: available to take the kids? She's like, I have to
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: have it. I have to have that weekend. She's just,
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: you know, they're like kindred souls and best friends. So
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: my sister's going to be looking after them and we're
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: going to Berry instead. So it's actually going to be
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: extremely relaxing. I just want to have donuts from the
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Berry donut van. I want to play board games and
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: puzzles and make cookies and just go to like the
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: markets and restaurants and that's all I want to do
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: and scones and jam and cream. Anyway, that's my life update. Also,
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: for those of you playing at home, my phone still
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: has no case. I've never been cockier in my whole life.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: It has no phone case and it's been like this
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: for weeks and everyone's like, you better get a case
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: on that. I've scratched it a few times. It's like
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: a bit rough around the edges, but no cracks or
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: major chips. I'm proud to report. Anyway, let's get straight
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: into the first question. I've got three advice questions. Let's go.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: The title, we love a good title, is from Olympic
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: medals to feeling like I'm starting again. This is very exciting. Hi, Alexis,
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: huge fan of the podcast. I've been listening from the
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: beginning and honestly, you're exactly the no bullshit type of person.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I love hearing from when I need it most. For context.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: I'm a post-professional athlete. I won two Olympic medals. For context,
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: I'm a post-professional athlete. I won two Olympic medals, congratulations,
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: and retired from sport two years ago. The transition has
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: been hard, like really hard. Four months ago, I finally
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: landed in what is arguably a dream situation, an awesome company,
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: epic people, and work I'm genuinely excited about. But my
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: partner has since been promoted into a role that means
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: we'll be based in the US next year. which I'm
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: really excited about for him. The tricky part is that
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure whether I'll be able to move with
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: my current company. I've had multiple conversations about it with
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: them already. My relationship will always come first for me,
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: so if it means I need to leave my job,
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: then that's okay. I'm just struggling with the feeling of
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: having to start again, again, just as I was finally
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: feeling like I'm building some momentum. My second part is
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: probably something I'm still working on regardless of where I
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: end up. I'm chronically hard on myself. I'm getting much
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: better at it and have done heaps of nervous system work,
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: which I got so much value from during my sporting career.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: But I still really struggle with self-compassion and giving myself
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: credit for how much change I've actually navigated. So I
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: guess my question is, how do you stop feeling like
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: you're constantly starting again? Trust that you're actually building momentum
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: even when life keeps changing direction and learn to give
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: yourself some credit along the way. Would absolutely love your advice.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: You're a legend and I love your work. Thank you
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: so much for writing in. This is, I think there's
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: a lot of things that I would like to kind
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: of break down here. What you're experiencing, let's first talk
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: about what you experienced post being an athlete and then
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: moving into, you know, a completely different role in your
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: life as far as work goes. There are many, many, many,
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: many athletes that report feeling that transition as being one
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: of the hardest thing that they have to go to. It's,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: it impacts your identity, your purpose in life. meaning, where
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: you get meaning, how people view you. It's a huge
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: shift in your life, your reality, your identity, and your relationships,
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: and also your relationship with yourself. The fact that you
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: were able to navigate that to a position where you
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: were really excited to be working in a place and
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: feeling really good about it is great. And it's a
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: credit to you. And it's something that some people, it
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: takes years for them to get to that place. Sometimes
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: they never fully, fully, you know, they always feel like
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: the best days are then behind them. Okay. or like
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: their identity is always tied to that thing of the
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: past of, you know, being that athlete or the professional
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: athlete or the gold medalist or whatever it was. So
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: that's really awesome that you were able to navigate that
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: and get to that point. Now, you do mention in
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: your question, you said, how do you stop feeling like
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: you're constantly starting again? I do hope that this is
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: not a constant starting again. While I'm all for change when,
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: you know, life calls for it or when you are
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: craving that kind of change, I also don't think you
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: want to put yourself in a position where you are
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: constantly chopping and changing and chopping and changing and chopping
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: and changing, especially when it's difficult to do so and
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: where it impacts you mentally. Hopefully it's just two major
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: changes for a while because you also do want to
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: create a level of stability so you can really find
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: that your sense of self in you. you know, your
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: day-to-day life, in the relationships you have around you, in
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: a career that gives you meaning. Obviously, this is non-negotiable.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: You said that your relationship comes first and you will
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: go regardless of if you can stay with your career
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: or not. So it's good that you've got clarity around
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: that point. But then you want to think about, okay,
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: I guess you can look at what you've already been
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: able to achieve and always remind yourself that that's evidence
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: that you can do the same again. Okay. You also
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: want to tell yourself, it's not like you're having to
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: do it every six months or every year. Hopefully if
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: things go well for, you know, your partner's promotion and
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: where you are at, you can find some sort of
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: stability in what it is that you're, you're doing. So
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: you can lay down some roots and feel a little
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: bit grounded and create a life for yourself that has
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: that you know, stability and normality. Okay. Every single person
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: needs that kind of security in their life, whether it's in,
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: you know, your typical quote unquote typical way, or whether
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: it's in a way that might be a bit more unique,
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: but we all have to find our own version of
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: what stable is. So yeah, I just feel like you
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: want to look at it as, I want to look
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: at this new step in my life as an opportunity
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: to finally like Find a semblance of being able to settle.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: You don't want to look at it as I'm constantly
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: starting again because I would also feel like that would
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: be very hard to grapple with if that's actually your reality, okay? Now,
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: the next thing that you mentioned is that you were
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: really hard on yourself. I believe that this could have
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: a lot to do with you being an athlete. Now,
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: I obviously, a lot of this is me guessing because
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: I only have what you've written to me as insight.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: But for a lot of athletes or people in similar
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: careers where everything is about the end goal, and you're
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: at that elite level, so you're obviously very good at
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: not only physically doing what you were doing, but you're
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: also very good mentally at staying on and being able
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: to see it through to the end and giving yourself really,
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: really high results. You need a level of that mentality
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: when you are an elite performer or an elite athlete, okay?
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: You need that level of being confident critical and hard
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: on yourself so you are pushing yourself to the absolute
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: limits that is literally what separates you know those level
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: of competitors and other people um but it also comes
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: at a cost because then that mentality can bleed into
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: other areas of your life you've got to now find
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: a way to think how do I switch off that
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: mindset that worked for me in sport but doesn't necessarily
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: work for me in other areas or not and not
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: even in sport it worked for you maybe getting to
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: you know the height of your career as an athlete
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: but a lot of athletes even report that they had
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: such high expectations of themselves I've got to get that
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: medal or I've got to win that championship or I
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: have to get to the top I have to be
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: number one and it's this that by the time they
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: ended up achieving it, because the pressure on themselves and
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: the expectations they placed on themselves was so high and
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: they didn't want to let themselves or anybody else down
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: who had helped them along the way, by the time
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: they achieved that thing that they had spent literally their
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: whole life working towards, the main emotion they felt was
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: relief over happiness or fulfillment. They felt like, oh, I
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: was just relieved. I was just relieved. Like I wasn't even,
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: I couldn't even call it happy. It was just like,
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: oh my God, thank God. Thank God that's over. So
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: you have to ask yourself, That mentality wallows. it's helpful
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: in some areas, it's not overall the healthiest mentality to have.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: So how can you use aspects of that mentality to
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: still push yourself further? Because it is an asset when
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: you use it well. But then look at, instead of
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: thinking about the end results and what I can achieve
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: at the very end, How can I find the process
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: truly enjoyable? How can I get involved in things where
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: I'm able to look at my own journey and my
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: process as something that I can enjoy? The actual win
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: is in the doing, not in the end result. Now,
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: I might have already used this example before, but if
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: you've listened, you have listened to my podcast for ages.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: So you've probably heard my episodes with my sister and
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: she was an elite athlete as well. And she spoke
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: about that exactly what I talk about with that sense
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: of relief. instead of feeling genuine happiness. So then when
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: she retired out of the sport, she still loves, she's
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: still very physically active. She does weightlifting, CrossFit. Um, you know, she,
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: she literally holds the world record in her age category
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: for women in the 500 meter erg, the rowing erg,
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: like she's hardcore. But she says that even though she
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: still pushes herself to these limits, Her goalposts have changed.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: Her aim is to feel the best she's ever felt.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Her aim is to really enjoy the process. You'll see
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: her at a weightlifting competition and she's cheering on her
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: competitors more so than she'd want to cheer on for herself.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Like she is just, you would think that she's the
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: mother of her direct competitor because she's like, you can
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: do it, you can do it. Like she's just there
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: for the vibes. Like, yes, she works like her ass off,
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: but she, and then I said, well, that's really cool
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: that you can have that mentality and do that. She says,
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: you know what? I enjoy what I do so much
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: more when it's not me against them. I've got to
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: be better than them. I just look at it as
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: the journey that I'm on. And if I have a nice,
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: you know, time while I'm doing it and if, you know,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: that's what life is about. It's about being able to
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: actually enjoy the process that you're on and looking at
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: how you can better yourself, looking at, you know, where
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: you can improve. And then in the things that you
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: can't improve, it is what it is. If someone lifts
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: better than you that day, well, they were the better athlete.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: Like instead of clinging to be like, oh my God,
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: if I didn't win, I'm a failure. And then because
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: of that, she genuinely is so happy. So it's like,
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: how do you change that mindset in your life to
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: be like, now the goal has changed. I'm not in
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: that same industry anymore. I now have to look at
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: turning the process into the goal. Like the goal is
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: to enjoy the process. And if I can see myself
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: enjoying it, making good relationships, meeting new people, maybe creating
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: a community, maybe I get involved in that sport or
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: a similar sport or something else, and I find community
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: and they're just my people. And then I don't really
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: care if I have a shit day or a great day,
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: but then I form bonds and this and that, and
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: we have a good routine, then that success could be
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: if that's how you view it. So hopefully that answered
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: your question, but I think you could look at this
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: opportunity as, you know, maybe what you've had was the
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: practice run of this new job that you had, and
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: it's shown you what you're capable of feeling and achieving
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: in a new career. And now this big move can
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: be you know, where you really apply all those things again,
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: and hopefully you can feel a little bit more settled.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: But thank you so much for writing in. I think
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: that was a really good question. Number two, is my
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: best friend gaslighting me? Love the question already. Hi, Alexis.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: First of all, I want to thank you for your podcast.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: It has genuinely helped me grow into a version of
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: myself that I love. I've been a constant listener of
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: your Head Noise episodes, and I never thought I'd actually
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: reach a point where I'd want to submit my own story.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: But here I am, completely confused about a friendship that
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: suddenly fell apart. My best friend of six years, who
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: I've probably spent more time with than anybody else other
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: than my boyfriend, recently sent me a very long message
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: explaining that she felt replaced by my boyfriend and more
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: generally mistreated by me. We were supposed to go to
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: a concert together two weeks later. In my response, I
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: apologized for the things she brought up where I genuinely
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: felt I could have handled things better. However, when it
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: came to certain things she said about my relationship, I
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: was more firm because I felt that some of her
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: claims were simply untrue. She took a week to respond.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: She said she was shocked by my voice message, that
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: I had painted her as the villain and that I
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: had been defensive throughout. I listened to my voice message
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: again and honestly couldn't understand how she had come to
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: that conclusion. I asked her several times if we could
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: please talk about everything in person, but she never actually
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: answered that question. Instead, She continued explaining why it had
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: taken her so long to respond. Then I went on
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: holiday and I told her that I really wanted to
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: talk when I got back. While I was away, I
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: sold our concert tickets. I had bought them and at
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: that point it was only three days before the concert.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: She had repeatedly said she didn't think we would go
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: together anymore and she still hadn't responded to my original message.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: She then told me that selling the tickets was incredibly
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: mean and asking what would have happened if she still
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: wanted to go. I tried one last time to arrange
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: a conversation. Instead, she sent me another long message saying
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: she was deeply disappointed in how I handled everything, that
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: the opportunity to talk had passed and that I had
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: made her feel like I didn't care about our friendship.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: She said she would think about whether she wanted to
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: talk to me the following day. That was a month ago.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: I haven't heard from her since. I've never felt this
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: confused by conflict in my life. When I read through
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: our messages, I see myself trying to be compassionate, understanding
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: and open to taking responsibility for Even when I was
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: more defensive about the things she said about my relationship,
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: I did apologize for the parts where I genuinely understood
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: that I could have done better. I repeatedly asked to
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: meet and talk things through, but she never clearly responded
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: to that. And yet in her final message, it felt
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: like all the responsibility was being placed back on me.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: What makes this even harder is that I've seen her
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: behave quite immaturely in conflicts with other friends before, but
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: I never imagined that I would experience this side of
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: her myself. This is interesting. I'm going to come back
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: to that. I genuinely don't recognize our friendship anymore and
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: I can't wrap my head around how we got here.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: So my question is, is this gaslighting or are we
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: simply experiencing the same situation in completely different ways? At
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: this point, I don't even know if I want to
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: talk to her again. I feel like her perception of
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: what happened is almost the complete opposite of mine and
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: I'm struggling to trust my own judgment because of that.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: I do know that I feel angry and somehow overpowered
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: by the whole situation. I would love your perspective on
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: whether I'm missing something here and whether there is a
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: healthy way to make sense of what happened, even if
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: this friendship is no longer meant to continue. Thank you
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: again for all the work you put into this podcast.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: It's helped me more than you probably realize. Great question
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: and extremely infuriating. And I feel like friendship breakdowns can
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: be equally as painful, sometimes more painful than a romantic
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: relationship breakdown. It's very, very intense. So I'm sorry that
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: you're going through that. But something that before I get
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: into the crux of it all, that I did want
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: to kind of touch on is you said at one
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: point that you said, what makes this even harder is
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: that I've seen her behave quite immaturely in conflicts with
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: other friends, but I've never imagined that I would experience
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: this side of her myself. Firstly, why does that make
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: it harder? It should make it easier. It's character. Character
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: is character. Secondly, why did you think that you would
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: never experience it when everyone else had experienced it? So
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: why is it that you're immune to her immaturity, but
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: everyone else has to experience this? wrath of her stupidity
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: in an argument. Do you know what I mean? Like,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: why is it that you felt that you wouldn't, you
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: know what I mean? Sometimes we have to have a
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: bit of a realization when we want to understand the
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: full effect of what happened. And we want to understand
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: the individual. We have to look at their personality and
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: we have to look at their character. And the best
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: way to look at character is look at behavior, especially
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: repeated behavior. So to me, this is a red flag
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: that you've chosen to ignore. Because you thought she wouldn't
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: act that way with you. So ask yourself, why did
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: I think that? Is it because we just personally never
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: had that conflict so it wasn't an issue? Is it
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: because I thought that the people that she was having
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: an argument with were also immature so maybe they were
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: just being immature? Like why did you think that? So
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: I think that should actually make it easier for you,
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: not what makes it harder. You should say what makes
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: it easier. It's because I've seen her character and now
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: what she did to other people, she's now behaving in
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: a similar way to me. So it's just consistency is
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So in my words, that's a good thing, right? Now,
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: what you could do if you're unsure because you're like,
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: I've gone through my messages, I've listened to my voice messages,
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: I've done all of this, is you could ask your
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: partner or a sibling or another good friend who isn't
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: closely involved with her to read your messages and just say, listen,
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to get offended, but you need to
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: be so fucking blunt with me. Have I misread something?
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: Have I come across as a certain way? Like really
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: put it out there and say, be as brutal as
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: you want to be. I just need a perspective outside
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: of my own head that can tell me if I'm
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: behaving in a certain way, if I'm like not saying
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: something because a good friend or a good partner will
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: be able to raise something to you if they genuinely
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: believe that you are in the wrong. Okay. So that's
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: an option. And it's something that not just you, but
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: anyone listening, you should exercise often. You know, if you
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: can be really good at taking critical feedback from people
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: that care about you, you're just going to become a
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: better friend, a better communicator. Everything's going to be better.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: So I've done that with my friends. I've also given
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: harsh advice to my friends when they've asked for it.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: Like sometimes my friends have come to me and say, well,
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: I don't think I was in the wrong. Do you
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: think I was in the wrong? And I'd be like, actually, yes. Yeah. Like, yes,
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: you were because of X, Y, Z. This is why
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: I think what you did was inappropriate. This is how
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: you could have handled it differently, but only, you know,
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: within context and within reason, especially if they're asking. So
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: I would ask for advice from someone close to me
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: if I think it's a safe enough space for them to,
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: to be able to pull apart my own behavior and
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: tell me if that was in the right or not.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: But ultimately also about the concert tickets, I think regardless,
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: that's just absurd that she cares about the concert tickets. Firstly,
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: you bought them. Secondly, she asked you, you know, she
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: said she would, where is it? She said you were
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: incredibly mean and then she asked what would have happened
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: if she still wanted to go. Nothing, babe. It's not
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: the end of the world. The world has not died.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: No one's dead. What would have happened if you still
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: wanted to go? You would have just sat there wanting
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: to go. Buy your own fucking ticket or answer my
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: fucking message. Too bad, so sad. Take some accountability. I
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: have no time for that shit. That's absolutely ridiculous just
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: trying to manipulate you and make you feel guilty. That's
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: not saying that she's completely in the wrong for everything,
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: but that is giving me a hint that this is
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: a little bit more dramatic than it needs to be.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: And she seems to be causing the drama. Okay. This
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: is what I would do if I were you to
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: come to some sort of a conclusion. Number one, do
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: what I asked you to do and get. someone to
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: give you feedback on your, on how you communicate. If you,
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: regardless of if you think, no, I was, it was
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: all good. I was very healthy in my communication. It
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: was fine. The next thing I want you to, or not,
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: or if you're like, yep, there was something I could have,
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: you know, pulled myself up on it and apologize for
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: more than what I have apologized for. Then from that,
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: once you have that knowledge, you then decide, do I
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: want to salvage this relationship or do I just want
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: to create a little bit of closure from this relationship?
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: Because if you want to create some closure from this relationship,
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: you could do it in your own head or you
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: could send a closing message to her kind of tying
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: it all up for you, not for her. In other words,
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: it's kind of like a goodbye message saying, I'm sorry
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: things ended the way they did. We unfortunately are experiencing
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: the same thing from a different angle. So my experience
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: of your behavior is felt differently from your experience from
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: my behavior and we're two different people. And unfortunately, this
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: is how it's resulted in and it's a shame. thanks
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: for the last six years, bye. It could be something
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: like that. Or if you want to salvage it, you
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: could like extend the olive branch one last time. But
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: if you are going to extend the olive branch, you
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: have to realize that you are trying to salvage something
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: based on the knowledge you know of the character that
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: she is. Okay. So if you're going to say, oh,
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: I really want to salvage this relationship. I'd really, cause
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: you said you don't know if that's what you want,
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: but you've got to ask yourself, if I choose, to
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: go back and say, no, I'm sorry, this and that,
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: I want to salvage it. Her behavior is still who
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: she is. If she's not the one coming to you saying,
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: I was wrong, I overreacted, or I did this, or
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: I accused you of something you didn't do, or I
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: felt this, or I felt that, that's not going to change.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: So if you choose to salvage this, it's to salvage
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: it with exactly this version of who she is. That's
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: what you need to think about. So if you want
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: to go down that road, think very carefully. because she's
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: not changing and she's not said she's going to change.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: So either you change or you acknowledge that you've done
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: something wrong and then you repair, or you acknowledge that
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: this friendship has run its course, which is very unfortunate,
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: but that happens in relationships all the fucking time and
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: it doesn't make it easier to deal with, but it
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: is a fact of life and people do go their
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: different ways. Another thing that I do just want to
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: mention at the very end of all of this is
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: Sometimes friends get really upset when other friends get into
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: a relationship and then spend way more time with their partner. Now,
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: there is validity to feeling offended by that, but then
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: there always has to be some grace. For example, if
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: I was spending every single free time with my best
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: friend and then she gets a partner and then she
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: moves in with that partner. and then they're building a
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: life together, I have to understand that no matter how
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: much she loves me, it's never going to be the
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: same amount of time ever again. She's in her right
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: to dedicate a lot of her time to her significant other, okay?
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: So no matter how upset I am, I have to
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: evolve with our friendship. And part of evolving with a
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: friendship is understanding that other relationships play a role. What
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: happens if one of you guys had kids and then
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: your time management would be different again then, if that's
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: what happened? So- Sometimes people would accuse you of rejecting them.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: And as long as you know that you haven't been
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: an absolute dog, because there are people that flake hard
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: on their friends when they get into a relationship. And that's,
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: I don't have time for that either. That is bullshit.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: But if it's just a legitimate, you just entering a
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: relationship and you're going through, you know, the normal stages
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: that you do, then make sure that she's not trying
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: to make you feel bad about that either. Cool beans.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: That is my response to your question. So thank you
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: for writing in. Last one. Hello, Alexis. I've been listening
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: to your podcast for over a year now, and I
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: can't even begin to describe the amount of growth that
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: I've seen since then. Thank you. Thank you so much
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: for sharing your voice. Also, I love seeing your chapter
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: as a mom. It lights me up every time you
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: talk about the twins. The beans. In one of your
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: latest episodes, you talked about feeling complete as a person
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: and not needing that from a partner or an outside source.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: As someone who has never felt enough and loved since childhood,
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: how can I feel enough and complete as a human
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: without seeking validation from others? How can I feel safe
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: with myself and love myself truly? This is a very
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: good question because unfortunately it's complicated. This is why. We
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: want to find that line. So obviously it's a very, very,
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: I could go so deep and I could talk about
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: this for hours of how you can validate yourself and,
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: you know, I've got hours and hours and hours worth
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: of episodes around that exact topic. But what I actually
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: want to talk about in addressing this answer is the
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: marriage between validating yourself and seeking connection with others, because
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: it's a slippery slope for a lot of people. I
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: myself have experienced this to a degree where because we
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: have felt, maybe you felt unloved or abandoned or really
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: hurt emotionally. Then you think, I want to provide all
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: of this for myself, especially if you are not in
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: a romantic relationship, you think, well, I now need to
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: provide all of this for myself. And then there's kind
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: of like you're on the knife edge of comfortably feeling
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: independent around those things and feeling that validation that you
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: provide for yourself and self-love and confidence and self-efficacy and
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: all of those things versus the other side, which is hyper-independence,
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: which becomes very unhealthy. So hyper-independence is where you then
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: seek to do absolutely everything for yourself because you think
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: if I don't do it, no one else is going
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: to do it. So only I can validate myself. Only
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: I can provide these things for myself. Only I, only I.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: And then you build up this thing and it feels good.
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: A lot of it is very fulfilling. But then the
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: flip side of that is the more hyper-independent you become,
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: the less you let people in, the less vulnerable you become.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: And because of that, the more you live from a
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: place of fear, you think, well, this now can't crack.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: I can't let someone in. I can't seek help. validation
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: or advice or help or assistance from somebody else because
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: they're going to let me down. So it's only, it
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: can only be through me. What seems is something that
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: feels really confident and really strong is actually a protective
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: mechanism for something that you're fearing. So when you talk
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: about not seeking validation from others, I agree that we
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: don't want to be seeking unnecessary validation from others. But
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: one thing that is, you just cannot deny that and
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: whether you're in a difficult position or not, it's just
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: a fact of life, is that human connection is one
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: of the key foundations of our life satisfaction and happiness, okay?
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: So It's important that you find real human connections and
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be romantically, by the way. This
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: could be with your family. If it's not with your family,
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: it could be with your close friends. And if you
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: feel like you don't have close friends, that could be
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: the one thing that you're like, I'm going to make
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: it my thing that I'm going to make more friends
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: and start putting myself out there more vulnerably to be
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: making these friends. Because in my... not just my opinion,
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: but what the data shows time and time and time again,
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: is that the people with the highest level of life
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: satisfaction are those with true connections. And you don't even
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: have to have many. It could just be a handful
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: of connections. You don't have to be an extrovert. You
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: don't have to be this overly, you know, huge, big personality.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: You could be three close friends and it might not
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: even be in the same friendship group. It doesn't matter.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: It's around this concept of truly feeling connected to somebody,
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: being able to be vulnerable and being able to be yourself,
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: feeling useful to those friends of yours or to your
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: partner or to your family or to whoever that tight-knit
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: circle is, and then being able to kind of feel
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: that reciprocal relationship with those individuals. When you have those
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: strong foundations, it's kind of like the dependency paradox, if
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: you've ever heard of it. The dependency paradox is kind
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: of like when you allow yourself to depend on someone
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: who's obviously healthy, not in a toxic relationship, you start
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: to drop your guard. You start to kind of let
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: go of the reins. And because you realize that this
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: person has your back and is going to reciprocate in
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: this relationship, you actually start feeling more confident within yourself.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: So the more you allow someone else to do something
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: for you, whether it's a partner or a friend, the
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: more confidence it actually gives you. So I don't know
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: exactly where you stand in this because it's only one email,
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: but maybe ask yourself, Am I potentially heading in the
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: direction of hyper-independence instead of looking at where real strong
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: connection can be found, whether it's in friendship, family, or romance,
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: or a bit of everything, or just one? And what
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: will that look like for me? Because you'll find that
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: when you've got really healthy connection, your value as an
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: individual is on who you are inside and what you
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: have to offer as a friend, as a person, as
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: a human. So when we talk about validation, I do
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: believe that to a degree there is part of us
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: as humans, we do value what the people around us
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: think of us. But in the healthiest sense of that
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: is you value who the closest people to you and
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: how they feel about you. That would be the healthiest
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: sense of seeking external validation. Like I want my partner
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: to know that I'm there for them. And when they
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: know that I feel validated because I'm useful or I
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: want my sister to feel X, Y, Z, I want
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: my friends to feel this. So that's a healthy form
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: of validation where it's like you're seeking deeper connection versus
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: I'm a people pleaser. Okay. So I'm not sure if
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: that exactly answered your question, but hopefully it gives you
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: some food for thought into all the different things that
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: you can be exploring around that. Amazing. That is all
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: for today. Thank you guys so much for sending in
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: your questions. Please continue to send in your questions. We
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: have an email like this where I read them out.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: So just send your email to info at dyfmpod.com. And
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: then we have the voice notes that you can send
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: in just on the website. So that's www.dyfmpod.com. And you
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: can go into like the little menu tab and you
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: submit your voice note up to 90 seconds. It is Anyway,
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: that is all for today. I hope you enjoyed the
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: life advice. As always, remember, be kind to yourself, be
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: kind to your brain, don't take shit from anyone, and
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: especially don't take shit from yourself. Danke. I didn't even
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: drink my coffee.