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HOW TO BE A GOOD AUDIENCE MEMBER · The Karen Kenney Show

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Karen Kenney: It's the Karen Kenney Show. Hey, you guys!
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Welcome to the Karen Kenney Show. I'm super duper excited to
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be here with you today. Let's have let's have a little chat.
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Let's have a little chat, shall we? Oh my goodness! So I know I
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don't know what I might call this sucker. Maybe like how to
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be a good audience member, like how not to suck being an
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audience member. No, but how to be? Maybe it's like how to be a
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thoughtful or wicked good or something audience member. And
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you might be like, why the fuck should I care? Why should I care
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about this? So I'm going to give you a couple of stories. We're
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going to dive in. I'm going to give a few examples of what I'm
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talking about and why it's been on my mind. And this is a
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conversation I was having earlier with my sweetie. And I
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said, you know what? I want to share this with my. I want to
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share this with my people. I want to share this with my, I
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don't know, my my podcast family members, my audience members.
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You yourself, right? You yourself are an audience right
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now. If you are listening, you might be an audience of one, or
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maybe you're inflicting your poor kids are strapped in the
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car in the back seat, and you're making them listen. Or maybe
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you're one of those people that are like, "Sweetie, you tell the
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your own sweeties." You you send the link to somebody and try to
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make them listen. Okay, and we're back. All right, but
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listen, um, I want you to I want you to listen, even if you're
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somebody who's like, look, I'm not in the audience that much. I
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don't listen to podcasts. I don't go to live music. I don't
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go to movies. I don't go to theater. I don't go to shows.
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But here's the catch: stay with me. We're all audience members
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of some kind or another, and we can apply this. We can. What I'm
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going to share with you today, we can apply this to our
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relationships, both the ones you may or may not have with your
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family, your siblings, your parents, your family of origin,
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your own kids, whatever, but also with your friends and with
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your coworkers and stuff like that. So let's just start off
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with a with a couple of stories. So there was a really
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interesting video online. If you know who Florence in the Machine
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is, she is just what what an incredible incredible performer
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she is. Obviously, she's a singer. She's a musician, right?
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If Google, just Google it. You'll you'll figure out who
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Florence is. So, at one of her shows, or maybe at a bunch of
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her shows, there's a moment in the show that she's kind of
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known for, where she invites people to shut off their phones,
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and the I'll keep it really short on this one. She'll have
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an audience of like 80,000 people, and she'll just say to
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them, you know, can we all do? Can you all do me a favor? Can
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you all shut off your phones, and she's like, "I know you're
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here. You paid for the ticket. You want to record this so you
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can share it later, or whatever." And the point she
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makes, though, is this: and all these little stories I tell you,
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I'm gonna, I'm extracting stuff from it to share with you. It's
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always also, I always say this. It's always a reminder to to me
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as well as for my ears too, in my ears first, right? But she
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asks them all to shut off their phones, and she does this really
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cool thing. And she says, and this is the I 100% agree with
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her on this because I have experienced this myself, which I
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will point out in story number two. She says, "Here's the
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thing: if you're busy, like looking at me and looking at the
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stage and watching this show through your phone because
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you're recording and I'm putting up my hands like I'm recording,
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right? If if you're doing that, if you're looking through this
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device, then you're recording it. You're not experiencing it,
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and those are totally different things. I 100% agree with her,
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because you are more concerned with: Am I getting this in
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frame? Am I? Do I have a clear thing?
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Is there somebody in front of me? Like you're looking on your
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phone at the person who's actually on stage. You're not
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actually taking in the performance and what's happening
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in front of you. You're not truly experiencing it, so she
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asks everybody to shut up their phones. And the other thing she
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says is because if you're doing this, and she holds up her phone
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like mimicking recording, she goes, "You're not doing this,"
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and she starts jumping up and down. And she goes, "And isn't
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this why you came here to have the experience, right? To like
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be in the room. She goes like to feel this. Right, she's like you
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know you you came here to share this experience with the people
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you love, and she's like and instead of recording, she's like
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turn to the people you came with and tell them you love them,
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tell them you appreciate them, like you know jump up and down
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with them, and it's amazing the crowd can. That she has because
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people do put their phones away, and then she goes into the song.
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So like the beats happening in the background, like you can
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imagine it. And then once every puts everybody puts their phones
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away, she launches into the song, and everybody just starts
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jumping up and down. And I get goosebumps even just thinking
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about it. Okay, so that's people being good audience members.
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They're listening to the person on stage and what they're asking
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of them to be participants in the experience that she's
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creating for them. So that's story number one. We're going to
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extract little things from all these. Number two, my sweetie.
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So a lot of you know that my my sweetie, my husband Chris
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Lester, is a professional musician, and the other night he
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so he's played. If you're a local New Hampshire person,
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Massachusetts person, whatever, you have undoubtedly probably at
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some point been to the Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom, and this
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is a really big room. It holds like 2200 people or something
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like that, and it's where a lot of big acts, you know, come to
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like do shows and stuff. And my sweetie has played on that stage
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in other bands. He's in a band called Doc Desert Eagles. It's
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an Eagles tribute band. He's also in a band called Fortune.
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They played on that stage. But he was asked for the first time
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to open the show for another band, right? But himself as a
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solo artist, right? And it was just him up there with his
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guitar, and he killed it. Like he killed it, you guys. I'm so
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happy for him and so proud of him. And the pictures that have
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come from the show are unbelievable. But the reason why
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I'm telling you this is, even though there were professional
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photographers there taking pictures of him and for him. I
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was also they weren't doing recordings, so a lot of times at
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his gigs, if I'm there, I'll record his songs for him so that
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that he can hear the the playback afterwards. Because one
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thing I will tell you about my sweetie is he is a professional
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and he's not afraid to watch himself and he's not afraid to
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notice the places where he could have done better, where maybe
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something was off or went wrong or whatever the thing is. So, if
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I'm there, I do my best to record for him. Now, the
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drawback for me is that one of the greatest pleasures I get at
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shows is to be able to just kind of watch him and watch the
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audience respond to him. It's one of my favorite things, and
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I'll never forget one time at a Jack Desert Eagles concert. I
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was there with my friend Andre Debus III. He's a writer, and
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his beautiful wife Fontaine, and it was their first time seeing
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the band, and he absolutely loved it. But I'll never forget
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Andre turning to me, and he said, "You know what?
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I want to know what my favorite part of the whole show was." And
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I said, "What?" And he said, "Watching you watching him." He
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goes, "You can just tell how like happy you were for him, how
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much you love him, how proud you are." And I said, "Oh my God,
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that's so sweet because it's one of my favorite things is
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watching other people appreciate my sweetie, right?" So, and I'm
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dropping little breadcrumbs in all of these stories for you,
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okay? But here's the thing: when I'm recording him for him, I
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can't experience the show the same way because I'm focused on
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again getting the shot, keeping it in frame, not wiggling around
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too much, holding it steady. So what I try to do is I literally,
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and if you're watching me right now, is I get my hands around
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the camera and then I lock my elbows into my body and I try to
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keep it as still as possible. And then once I know he's in
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frame, I do not move my arms if I can help it. And then I look
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above my camera so I can see him and experience him in real time
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because it's a totally different thing. And I'm going to say
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this: do this the next time. Maybe you got kids, you got
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grandkids. You go to a niece's basketball game. You go to your
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grandkids like you know Christmas show, the Nutcracker,
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whatever it is. Hold up your camera. Look at the stage. Well,
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just look at the stage. Take it all in. Take in the peripheral
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vision. Take in everything you're seeing. How easily you
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can turn your head and just have the experience. And then hold up
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your camera, being more concerned about getting the
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pictures and capturing the memory. You're already kind of
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moving into the future. You're not in the present. As soon as
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we start recording, we're thinking about what we're going
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to be able to show later. We're not there in the here and now.
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You know what I'm saying? And it's a totally different thing.
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So looking at a person. So you basically take this vibrant,
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alive mass of cells and and energy and you know DNA and
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Stardust and magic, this vibrant, alive human being, and
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we reduce them to this tiny little screen right on this
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electronic device, and it's literally like, I love
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photography and I love capturing things and I love capturing
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memories and stories and all of that, but it's still not the
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same as experience. It just without worrying about snapping
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pictures. Okay, and then the third thing about being an
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audience member, and these are again, I'm going to bring it all
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home. So just stay with me, stay with me. And so this past
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weekend, so Friday night was my sweetie's big gig, and then
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Saturday I host what's called Write Club, and Write Club is
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like a half-day workshop that we do. When I do it in person, it's
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a four-hour workshop. When I do it online, it's about two and a
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half hours. But we gather together in person, and we write
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together. And there's a lot more to it. Okay, there's meditative.
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There's like guided meditations dropping into the body, and then
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there's a prompt, a prompt that is given, and you can write to
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the prompt or not write to the prompt. We only read what is
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written in the immediate time, like in that room at that time.
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We don't bring in stuff to be workshopped or stuff to be
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edited. We're really vulnerable. We just like write on the page,
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and then we read what we just wrote. So there's very specific
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guidelines that we have to kind of keep the place. I don't. I
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try not to use this word safe too much, but it really is. It's
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a kind of the kind of feedback that we give.
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The kind of yeah, the kind of feedback that we give after
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somebody has read their piece is very specific, and I'm I always
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say to them, what I'm teaching you here in this moment in Write
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Club, what I'm sharing with you, it's not just about being an
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audience member right now in the room for the people who are
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reading and sharing their work, I said the things that I'm
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sharing with you now, you're going to be able to take back
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into your life and back into your relationships, and it's
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going to change. It's going to change how you look and listen
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and how you leave other people. It's a very powerful thing. It
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is what I call a hot-centered approach. It's a love-centered
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approach to writing and responding and receiving, and
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it's very powerful. And when you are an audience member, meaning
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you're the listener, right? You're the one who's about to
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give feedback to the writer. It's a it's a huge
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responsibility, and this is how now I want to tie it all into us
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here and now, because, like I said, maybe you don't go to
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concerts, maybe you don't go to live events, maybe you don't go
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to workshops, maybe you don't are never in a position to
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really give feedback or anything like that. But you are all the
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time in relationship with other people, with, and you may not be
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like in a like a marriage or a romantic partnership, but you
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certainly are in relationship to other humans. Whether that's
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your family members, your friends, your coworkers, the
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people you see at yoga class, whatever it is, you're in
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relationship. Some of you to your if you're lucky enough to
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have an animal in your life that you get to share your life with.
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But you're also, and this is wicked important too. You are
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also in relationship. You are an audience member for yourself. So
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let's dive into this a little bit more. So when I think about
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how do we want to show up, how do we want to show up being
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really good listeners? How do we want to show up and being really
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like really? As I always say on this podcast, how can we leave
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other people and ourselves better than how we first found
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them? Right, you know what I mean. And these are some skills.
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These here's some pointers. Like get a pen, write this, write
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this shit down because it's wicked, wicked, wicked! Helpful,
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and I'm telling you, it will change the way that you
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interact. It will change the way that you you feel. It will
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change the way you will literally start to change your
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brain. And we, one of these things, you know, I've talked
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about before. It's kind of this concept. You know, I borrow the
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phrase from a Course in Miracles: the good, the
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beautiful, and the holy. And we'll get into that. So the
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number one, the first thing that I would say about when you are
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an audience member, and whether that is to literally people on
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stage or in relationships with other humans, or just you with
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you, the number one first thing that we want to think about
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whether this is towards others or ourselves is to start with
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respect. Show up with respect. Okay, how do we show respect?
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Here's a couple of the ways, right, that I would say we show
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respect. Number one, try to be the kind of audience member that
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you would want. So imagine that you were giving a presentation.
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Imagine that you were standing on stage. Imagine that you were
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sharing a really important story with somebody over the phone or
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Voxa or whatever, right? FaceTiming with somebody. Okay.
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If somebody is doing that with you, they are sharing something
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with you. Number one. Show up with respect. Respect comes with
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these with with a bunch of things that I'm going to kind of
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now list in a moment. But first, first and foremost, be the kind
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of audience member that you would want, that you would
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desire, that you would hope would would would give the
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respect to you. Number one, number two. If this is and some
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of these won't apply necessarily to like your day-to-day
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relationships. They might more reply to if you're meeting
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somebody out or you're going to a show or whatever.
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But if there's some place you got to be, whether it's on a
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call, on a Zoom, in person, whatever, right? Arrive early
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and be on time. You don't want to be the audience member who's
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making everybody stand up because you're late, right? If
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you're chronically late, and I know for some people time
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management can be a challenge for a variety of reasons, but
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just do your best to not show up after the fact and make
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everybody else who did right show up on time, like now have
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to stand up, move around, whatever, wait for you, right?
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Just do your best is what I'm saying. So arrive early, and for
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some people, being on time, like my friend Walter, my my friend
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Walter says, if you're on time, you're already five minutes
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late, right? So some people are like, get there at least 510
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minutes early or whatever. But to each his own, I can't tell
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you how to live and how to be. I prefer to be early if I can, and
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I know it's not always possible, right? Number two, this is kind
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of a no-brainer. Imagine you're talking to somebody again. Be
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the kind of audience member that you would want. If I'm talking
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to somebody, first of all, if I'm taking time out of my day,
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out of my life to make time for you to exchange, to exchange
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communication with you, it means I said no to something else.
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Usually, it's very rare that I'm just like, ah, yeah, I got
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nothing going on. I got all this free time, right? So, if
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somebody is making a conscious choice to give some of their
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valuable time to you, some of their valuable attention to you,
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please be present. One of the first things we can do is
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silence your damn phone. Sometimes it's like put the
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phone down, not just put it down and flip it over, because
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they've done studies that even just seeing a phone on the
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table, even if it's turned off, even if it's flipped over, it is
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still distracting for some people, it will still be a
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barrier because we're aware that at any moment the brain is
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always clocking. That sucker can ring or ding or ping any minute,
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and this person that I'm trying to connect with is going to be
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distracted. So if you can put it in your pocket, slide it under
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your leg on the chair, put it in your backpack, your purse, your
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pocketbook, whatever it is. Get it out of sight, best you can. I
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understand that there will be times where we do want to
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capture a moment. You might want to take a selfie with your
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friend. You might want to capture a sign or something on
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the menu. Whatever it is, I get it. But if you can, up until
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that moment, put your phone down, silence it, and if you
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can, put it away. Okay, here's another fantastic way, right? To
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not only just show respect, but to be a fantastic audience
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member, is to show up with an open mind. Show up to whatever
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you're about to experience. Maybe it's a TED talk, right? My
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friend Lonnie just did. She did a TEDx in Manchester. I can't
18:21
wait to watch that video. But maybe you're going to see your
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friend's TED talk. Maybe your friend, another friend, Lauren,
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just was a speaker for Haven who does awareness for domestic
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violence in the Seacoast area. She was just a guest speaker.
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You know, so if I'm in the audience, right? I'm like, I
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want to really be open and receptive, and I really want to
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be present. So if you sit down right to hear somebody speak,
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keep your mind open, keep yourself receptive, open to
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learning, open to changing your mind, open to discovering
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something about them or you. Right? We don't want to sit down
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like like show up with beginner's mind, right? Don't
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show up as the expert thinking I already know all this. They're
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just gonna say the same old thing. I don't have to pay
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attention because they're just gonna X, Y, and Z. How about you
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just allow like be open to magic and miracles? I sometimes say
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right. So when you're there, be present, be open, and also
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here's another thing: be warm.
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I've seen a lot of people be like, "What do you want?" I was
19:28
in the room, and I'm like, "Yeah." And everything about
19:30
your face and your body language told me that you didn't want to
19:33
be there. So try to be open, right? And we're gonna get to
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body language in a second. How to be a great audience member,
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right? Is to be open, be receptive, and if you're best as
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you can, to be warm. And I know not everybody, you know, not
19:49
everybody's a hugger, not everybody's super touchy feely,
19:53
not everybody's really quote unquote emotional. But we we
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know the difference between, well, most of us do, right? A.
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Of us do, we know the difference between when we're being closed
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off and shut down, and a little what's the word I'm looking for?
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Not obstinate, but like just clearly not interested in what
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we're about to hear. Do you know what I'm saying? So, like, let's
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stay open and receptive. Okay, here's another thing: positive
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body language. I guarantee you, every single one of us here has
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been a teenager at some point, right? And you've gone into a
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lecture, a classroom, a house, a lecture of like from a professor
20:38
or a teacher, but also you've gotten a lecture from your
20:40
parents or your guardian or your caretaker or somebody. When you
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go in, you slouch down, you cross your arms, and you are
20:48
just basically telling everybody, "I am not open for
20:54
business. The shop is closed for the night. the The open sign has
20:58
been flipped. It's like closed. It's not even just clothes. It's
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like fuck off, right? It's like fuck off attitude, and that's
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not what we want. We want to show positive body language.
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Number one, don't slouch. Be present. Sit up tall. It's
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actually going to be better for you too because you're going to
21:14
be able to breathe better. You're not going to be crushing
21:16
your diaphragm. You're going to be able to sit up tall. You'll
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be able to keep your energy up because as soon as you slouch,
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you're gonna start to get a little too comfortable, a little
21:23
too sloppy. Okay. Also, for the love of Jesus Christ, don't have
21:28
like a blank Michael Maya's face. Don't put a mask on where
21:31
you're just like a zombie, just staring. Right. When people look
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at you, I'll just tell you this as a speaker, as somebody who
21:37
who first of all does a podcast. I but I can't see you guys,
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right? But if you've ever been somebody speaking on stage or
21:45
leading a class, right? I've been leading yoga classes since
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like 1999. You can just tell when people are not giving the
21:52
good body language back. They're not giving open, receptive
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energy back. You can just tell. I'm like, I'm like, Elvis has
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left the building, blank face, staring stupidly, and sometimes
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we want to be able to stare stupidly in a creative act,
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right? When we're writing or whatever, we want to be able to
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just like daydream and check out and go to the dreamland. But not
22:12
when somebody's trying to share something from with you. This
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could be your partner is trying to have a serious conversation
22:19
with you. This could be your child is trying to tell you a
22:23
story from school. This could be like your coworker who's
22:27
recounting the meeting that you missed because you were doing
22:29
something else. Like whatever it is, please, please, please do
22:32
not be blank faced. Like I could give two shits. This is what
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you're transmitting. I I don't really give a shit about what
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you're saying right now, I'm not going to give you anything, and
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I will often say in yoga class. You've heard me say this before.
22:46
I think I say to them, don't be stingy with your breath and
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don't be stingy with your love. When we do that slouchy, blank
22:53
face bullshit, we are literally just like again, like I said, we
22:57
are just withdrawing. We are we are pulling back. Now I'm not
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saying there aren't times when having a blank face, like if
23:03
you're in a poker tournament or you're in court or and
23:06
somebody's given a deposition or whatever. Of course, of course,
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like you, you guys are smart. Like this is nuance. Use your
23:12
common sense, right? But our body language is so important.
23:17
So as somebody is talking to us, one of the ways we have positive
23:22
body language is we make eye contact. It doesn't have to be
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constant, steady staring where it becomes uncomfortable for
23:28
everybody. But we want to make gentle eye contact. We want to
23:35
smile. We want to nod our heads. We're indicating to them: number
23:39
one, I'm listening. Number two, I'm hearing you, and number
23:43
three, I'm appreciating. Right, I'm picking up what you're
23:45
putting down. Positive body language, singling to them.
23:50
Yeah, they're called nonverbal cues, right? Nonverbal cues
23:53
where we're letting them know, and we also, I mean, other
23:57
nonverbal cues will be clapping and applauding, and we'll get to
24:01
that in a moment. But we can apply all of these things in our
24:06
daily conversations with our people. Everything that I've
24:09
said to you so far, applicable at a big show or at a retreat or
24:14
at a yoga class or whatever. And that's the other thing. Let me
24:18
just say this. Can I just say this? I don't. I mean, this does
24:22
not happen in my yoga class, but I know it. I know it happens in
24:27
larger yoga classes and bigger studios and all this bullshit.
24:29
But if you're in yoga class and you're setting up a tripod,
24:32
absolutely fucking not. Like, no, you are not there to perform
24:37
for your audience on Instagram later when you do your post. Do
24:41
your damn practice. Put your phone down. Like take off your
24:44
fucking smart watch. Right. Like be present. I might be sounding
24:48
mean and old ladyish and old school. I fully accept that. But
24:52
like, can we just not? Can we just not with the recording when
24:57
you when you're in yoga class, especially if. You end up
25:00
recording people around you who don't want to be in your stupid
25:03
video and who don't want their face on camera, so you can show
25:06
everybody doing your handstands or whatever the thing is, right?
25:09
Okay, that was a little side quest, and I'm back. I just
25:13
sounded mean, but I I can live with that one. Okay, we also
25:17
want to give verbal cues, right? So here's something that I find
25:21
fascinating. I should really look this up. I think because
25:24
that's how curious I am about this. One of the things that I
25:27
have found talking with women that we almost always do
25:32
naturally, right? And and I'm not saying all women all the
25:37
time and no men never. I'm not saying that. I'm just I'm using
25:40
a broad generalization right now. What I have found is that
25:45
when you talk with women, and they are very engaged and they
25:49
are paying attention, we all naturally tend to do this thing.
25:53
We respond both with our bodies. We lean forward. We tilt our
25:57
heads. We we lift our eyebrows. We're very expressive with our
26:01
faces, right? But we also do things like we go, uh huh, or we
26:06
exclaim, or we go, we take like we are we are like riding the
26:11
wave of that story, and we are responding in real time to what
26:14
we're hearing, and we we laugh, right? We laugh, we um we cheer,
26:20
we make sounds. We go. We go right. Like like to me, I'm like
26:25
somebody we talk, and I always go double amen hands, right? So
26:28
we interject without stopping the story, right? With our
26:33
mannerisms, with our nonverbal cues, and with our verbal cues,
26:37
and it's all signaling to the listener: I'm with you. I'm
26:40
following. I hear you. Sometimes I agree with you. Sometimes it's
26:44
like, right? We might go eh, like maybe we don't agree with
26:48
you, whatever. But we're letting you know, right? We're letting
26:51
you know. And what all of these things are doing is when we are
26:55
responsive. So imagine you're telling your story to your best
26:59
friend, right? And your best friend is like no, like you say
27:03
something, they're like no, and then they're like mm-hmm, and
27:06
then they're like oh, right. You know what I'm saying? Like
27:09
double A men hands, if you know what I'm talking about, ladies.
27:12
I know you do. I know you do because we all tend to. I
27:16
shouldn't say all. Most of us tend to do this, okay? And it's
27:19
really fun, but it's how we stay present. It's how we engage.
27:25
It's how we stay in the room and stay in the story.
27:28
We're a good audience member when we are doing these things.
27:32
Now, this doesn't mean if you're watching a movie that you should
27:36
be yelling out to the screen all the time. It does happen
27:40
occasionally. It can be funny occasionally, right? But you
27:44
don't necessarily want to do it in the theater. You don't want
27:46
to interrupt a performance. You don't want to be screaming
27:49
things out and like ruining it for the other observers and
27:52
stuff like that. But there are going to be times when the whole
27:56
audience gasps, you know, at the same time or whatever. So,
28:01
active listening. We want to start off by listening, and we
28:05
want to stay listening. We want to be listening to understand.
28:13
Listening to understand is a lot different than listening just to
28:18
respond. Listening to respond or reply is I'm listening, I'm
28:23
hearing the words, but I'm really just waiting for you to
28:26
stop talking and shut up. So now I can say the thing that I want
28:29
to say. I see this so often in interviews, in podcasts, and
28:35
when I'm eavesdropping on other human beings, I can't help it.
28:41
Right as a chronic eavesdropper, as we're always listening for
28:44
great dialog, and just naturally, it's what our brains
28:46
and our ears do. But active listening is listening to
28:51
understand, which means I'm really listening. I'm listening
28:55
not only for the content, I'm listening for the context, I'm
28:58
listening for the cues that this person is dropping, the pauses
29:02
that they're taking, like we're incredibly present. We're
29:05
listening for what matters. We're listening for the main
29:08
point. We're listening for the little side quest, right? We're
29:10
listening also for what's not being said. We want to be active
29:15
listeners, and if you have ever been trying to tell somebody
29:18
something that matters to you, whether you were in person, over
29:22
the phone, texting on stage, texting isn't the same because
29:25
you can't usually see body language, like over a Zoom,
29:28
whatever. And they seem distracted, then you know how
29:32
shitty it feels to feel like I don't. This doesn't matter. What
29:36
I'm saying to them doesn't matter. They're not paying
29:39
attention. They're not interested. They don't care. So
29:43
how we listen and the way that we listen. So I often tell
29:47
people, right, take notes. My friend Emmeline was saying to
29:51
me, Emily Aborn was saying to me the other day. I noticed on our
29:53
Zoom call that you were like taking notes, and I said, yeah,
29:56
I often take notes because I like to first of all. Remember
30:00
things. Also, I I like to write down things because I care about
30:05
things. And if my friend is telling me something important,
30:07
I like to write it down so that I don't forget, like later on,
30:11
or if there's something I want to follow up follow up on or
30:13
whatever. And I like you know I care. I'm curious. I like to
30:17
learn, so I like to write things down if I'm learning something
30:20
new. And also, I like to remember things, right? But when
30:24
I talk about this active listening and listening to
30:26
understand, one of the things that we talk about in Write Club
30:30
a lot is I do tell people when you're listening, when a reader,
30:34
when a writer is reading, and I said I want you to write down
30:38
right what you loved, where the writing was was fantastic. What
30:42
jumped off the page? What moved you? Where the writing was
30:45
strongest or brightest? Like an image or something that's going
30:48
to stay with you? Like all these things. And what we're really
30:51
doing is we're looking for what I call the good, the beautiful,
30:54
and the holy. Right? We're looking for what we loved. Now
31:00
we know that the brain has a built-in negativity bias, right?
31:04
The nervous system's always asking, "Am I safe?" and the
31:06
amygdala is like always scanning. We're always looking
31:09
to make sure if there's a threat in the environment. We're also
31:12
though looking for what we don't like. We can be hardcore Judge
31:17
Judy, right? We walk in the room and it's immediately like, "I
31:20
don't like that. That I don't like that. I don't like this.
31:22
The temperature is not right. And look at me too. Like I get
31:27
it.
31:27
The first voice that I hear in my head, the first commentary, I
31:31
always say, "Hey, you got to put a comma in your commentary,
31:34
young lady." But it's always going to be scanning the the
31:38
horizon, right? The the room, the stage, the whatever for shit
31:43
we don't like it's really easy to pull down it's really easy to
31:48
tear down it's a lot harder it takes a little bit more effort a
31:52
little more discipline a little more discipline and emotional
31:55
maturity and awareness to go I'm gonna look for what I love and
31:59
we're also gonna train the brain, the reticular activating
32:02
system. Right, we're going to be training the brain to to look
32:07
for what it is that we want to look for. And if you start to
32:11
show up in your relationships, whether it's with your sweetie,
32:15
your kids, your coworkers, or with yourself, your own work,
32:19
your own at your own creativity, looking for what you love, where
32:24
your strength is. It doesn't mean that there isn't an
32:27
appropriate time, right, for feedback or editing where you're
32:32
trying to adjust or fix or make better. But in the first run
32:37
through, in the first initial contact with a conversation,
32:41
with a piece of music, with a piece of art, with a human being
32:44
who's expressing something in front of you. It is not the time
32:47
to be tearing people down. You know what I'm saying? So look
32:51
for what you loved, and then tell people what you loved. This
32:57
is how we're a good audience member, right? This is how we
33:00
get to be good friends, good partners, good family members.
33:04
Is we're not looking for the ways to tear people down. We're
33:07
not looking for their flaws or their bad habits all the time.
33:10
We are actively noticing what they're doing well. We are
33:14
actively noticing where they're where they have strengths. We
33:17
are actively noticing where they are good, where they are
33:20
beautiful, where they are holy, or the thing that they created
33:23
as, right? We pay attention, we notice, and then we reflect it
33:28
back to them. Being a good audience member doesn't mean
33:33
that your responsibility stops of being a receiving vessel.
33:37
There is often, right, a response. This is when you clap.
33:42
This is when you cheer. This is when you become a true balcony
33:45
person. This is when we encourage. This is when we go
33:48
woo. This is when you clap. This is when you're like, that's my
33:51
sister. That's my kid. That's my brother. Yeah, you almost ever
33:56
always when I record for my sweetie. At some point, you'll
33:58
hear yay, sweetie. It's always me. I mean, of course it is. You
34:03
know, it's me. But you'll always hear that somewhere. So, giving
34:08
verbal feedback, giving clapping, right? So, giving like
34:12
bodily positive, positive body language. These are so
34:16
important. And this is what I say: appreciate appropriately if
34:22
you know somebody put a lot of time and effort into a thing, do
34:26
not give mamby pamby like lazy half ass like I'm too cool for
34:32
school golf clap. Like don't do it, right? Full bodied yes, full
34:39
body enthusiasm. Now of course, you got to read the room. You
34:43
got to know where you are. It might not always be 100%
34:47
appropriate, right? But appreciate appropriately. Give
34:51
generous praise. Give generous feedback of the loving kind,
34:57
right? Notes of appreciation. Tell them thank you. When my
35:02
sweetie came off stage, right? So he was the opening act for
35:05
this band Voyage, and Voyage is a killer like journey tribute
35:08
band. They're amazing, and this is like my sweetie had just
35:11
performed for 30 minutes, just him and his guitar on stage, and
35:16
and they loved him, and it was beautiful, and it made me so
35:19
happy. I was so happy for him, and when he came off stage, I
35:22
had friends there from Lawrence, so I was going over to say hi to
35:26
them. So gave him a few minutes. He came off stage, whatever, did
35:29
his thing, and then I grabbed him and I'm like, "Sweetie, like
35:31
come over. I want you to meet, see some of our friends who he
35:34
already knows, but meet some new friends from Lawrence." And as I
35:38
was trying to get him from one side of the building to the
35:40
other, people kept interrupting and stopping us in the best way.
35:45
Like every few feet, somebody would grab his arm and say,
35:47
"Were you the talent? Was that just you up there? You were
35:50
amazing! Oh my god!" And and some other guys like, "Hey,
35:53
brother, you did fantastic!" Literally, people were like
35:57
calling out to him, grabbing his arm, leaning over other people
36:01
stopping him, just lavishing him, well earned praise. He had
36:06
earned it, but still, it was so beautiful to see. It made like
36:09
my hat grew three times size, like three sizes bigger, like
36:12
the Grinch, right? So they were making beautiful, positive
36:16
comments. They were saying thank you for that. That was amazing.
36:19
Notes of appreciation, and they were saying though, and this is
36:23
how we give good feedback. And I talk about this in Write Club,
36:26
right? We talk about this all the time. We want to give, and I
36:30
always say, so in writing, there's a there's a quote. I
36:33
want to say I don't know if it was Richard, a guy named
36:36
Richard. I'm going to have to look it up, but there's this
36:38
line that says, "Concrete specific details are the
36:42
instrument by which the writer steers, by which the writer
36:46
gives, like moves the story along. And one of the things I
36:51
say when you give people feedback about something is to
36:54
give concrete specific feedback. Don't just go, "Oh, that was
36:58
good." Tell them exactly what you loved about it. Tell them
37:02
your favorite part. When you can recount to somebody something
37:06
that you loved about their show, their conversation, their
37:10
performance, their piece of writing, their book, the movie,
37:14
whatever it is, right? Their poetry. That maybe they're a
37:17
dancer. Maybe there's somebody that just did a little, you
37:21
know. They had to give a little explanation or do an
37:23
introduction for a boss at work at a meeting, whatever it is.
37:28
They made some video, whatever the thing is, right? Tell them
37:31
what your favorite pod is, and when you do that, what it shows
37:35
when you respond specifically, it tells them, "I paid
37:38
attention, I watched that thing, and don't do it in that weird
37:44
way when they can tell that you just went and listen. Like
37:47
there's no context to it, right? I will tell you this as somebody
37:51
who gets pitched a lot by people who want to be a guest on my
37:55
show. The pitches are like 98 of the time terrible, and I can
38:00
tell that they're fake. I can tell that they didn't really
38:03
listen to the show, and they try to be clever, and they use some
38:06
AI bot to scrub or to go out and listen to my episode, and they
38:11
pull a few key things out of it, and then they try to sell me on
38:14
it. And I'm like, this is such bullshit. Like I can tell. So we
38:19
want to be really mindful in the way that we give our generous
38:24
praise and our generous feedback, and when we are
38:27
appreciating appropriately, do it genuinely. You know what I
38:31
mean? Like put in the effort is what I'm saying. And why should
38:35
we give a shit about this? And I'm going to tell you this:
38:38
there is going to be times in your life, when you are going to
38:43
be the one standing in front of another person or a group group
38:47
of people, it might be investors, it might be at a
38:50
funeral when you're doing the eulogy about somebody you loved
38:54
and lost, it could be whatever. But we are given opportunities
38:59
just about every single day, we are audience. If you are online,
39:04
even if you're scrolling and not commenting, you are an audience
39:08
member. You're sitting at home watching TV. You are an audience
39:12
member. You're in the audience at some gig, some show,
39:15
whatever. Audience member. You're sitting at the dinner
39:17
table. You're listening to your kids recount their Day audience
39:21
member having a hat to hat with your sweetie audience member be
39:27
the kind of audience member you would want and as you go back
39:34
through this list I would make note of the places where you're
39:38
already killing it where you're really good at some of these
39:41
things, and then just notice the places where maybe you could use
39:44
a little work, right? Maybe there's a couple of places where
39:47
we want to strengthen and shore up, and say, "Oh yeah, I kind of
39:50
drift off," right?
39:51
You know, I can tell, like all all the time. I say to people, I
39:54
could tell that Elvis left the building. You were not there for
39:57
like between minutes, like eight and 11. You went somewhere else,
40:01
you know what I mean. So we're gonna know that there are
40:03
certain parts of us, certain ways where it's like, yeah, I
40:07
get distracted around this or blah blah blah. This is the
40:10
whole like TLDR, too long didn't read people will write, you
40:13
know. So like, let's just do our best to show up with respect,
40:19
right? To to keep our our minds open, keep our hearts open.
40:23
Let's be generous. Let's use positive body language. Let's
40:26
focus on what we loved. Let's repeat back what we loved. Let's
40:30
build up instead of tear down. All of this is what I do in
40:33
Write Club. It's really what I do in yoga classes. Anything
40:36
that I do, I'm just not interested in meanness, right?
40:40
I'm not interested in people trying to be the smartest
40:42
fucking person in the room. I'm like, yeah, don't be the asshole
40:44
at the table who's just always trying to tell everybody how
40:47
clever you are, how smart you are, right? Can we just show up?
40:50
Can we show up in our humanity? Can we show up with a little
40:53
humility, a little humbleness? I would say, a little humbleness
40:55
goes a long way. And can we not be afraid? Can we not be afraid
41:02
to really celebrate someone. To really celebrate someone, and
41:09
and I will tell you, as a small business owner, it goes a wicked
41:12
long way when you can not just like a post online or whatever,
41:18
but truly leave a genuine comment. Truly say this is what
41:21
I loved about this thing I just did, or this experience I just
41:24
had, or this meal I just ate at this place, or the Thai yoga
41:27
massage I just got, or the yoga class, or the you know my friend
41:31
Emmeline does these candid content days. She has one coming
41:34
up actually as well. You should check it out. I think it's like
41:37
60 bucks, and you're gonna walk away with some great pictures
41:40
and stuff that you can use for your for your whether it's
41:43
social media, your website, like whatever. But when you're
41:46
involved with another person and they're doing something,
41:50
creating something, whatever, it is such a huge thing for you to
41:54
be supportive by giving appreciation appropriately,
41:59
right? And just take it like kindness costs us nothing, you
42:02
guys. It costs us nothing to be kind. So this is what I got for
42:09
you today. I've been thinking about this a lot, obviously,
42:11
right? So how can we all be better audience members? Take
42:16
note of what you already do really well. And here's the last
42:19
thing I'm going to say about this: you are an audience member
42:22
towards yourself, so pay attention to the kind of voice,
42:27
the way you talk to yourself, that inner voice. Now, that
42:30
inner voice can sometimes be incredibly loving. That inner
42:33
voice can also be an inner critic. It can be like a, it can
42:36
be a mean little bastard. You know what I mean? So when you
42:40
are looking back over your own work, maybe you're a writer, or
42:44
maybe you're a creative of some kind, and you're sharing whether
42:47
it's music or art or poetry or writing or you speak. You have a
42:51
podcast, whatever the thing is. You're a coach. You you do stuff
42:54
with people, right? Be a good audience member for your own
42:58
work and yourself too. Don't forget to acknowledge right what
43:01
you did well. Don't don't forget to make time, right? To show up
43:06
open minded. Show up to not about it's not about being
43:09
perfect, right? But like speak love towards yourself. Look for
43:13
the good, the beautiful, and the holy within yourself as well.
43:16
Everything that I said also applies to you towards you, and
43:22
it will make such a difference. And I'm telling you, you guys, I
43:25
I did this one time. We did a 30 day good, beautiful, and holy
43:28
challenge, and we are literally we can retrain our brains,
43:32
right? It doesn't mean we come become stupid and daft, and we
43:35
don't notice the discrepancy, and we don't notice the horrors
43:38
of the world. We don't notice like just the the injustices.
43:42
It's not that, right?
43:44
We don't want to just be like, oh, Pollyannaish, nothing ever
43:47
goes wrong. It's not that. Okay, let me be wicked clear, right?
43:51
We don't want all of a sudden go stupid in the head. Keep keep
43:54
you keep your keep your your eyeballs peeled. Like be be
43:57
awake and aware of what's going on around us. But let's just try
44:00
to be a little bit better, right? And I and as I said on
44:03
the last episode, this these episodes are not about me like
44:07
pointing out another thing that you got to work on on yourself.
44:11
These are just like tiny awarenesses. These are little
44:14
awarenesses that I notice about the human experience. And when
44:17
we move through the world, because we leave a wake behind
44:23
us, right? Like you know how like a boat cuts through the
44:25
water and it ripples out. We, our energy, our attention, our
44:30
love, the quality of our thoughts, the quality of our
44:33
words, the quality of our actions. We are always leaving
44:37
awake a ripple effect, and it affects the world around us. It
44:42
affects the people and the animals, ourselves and the
44:45
environment. This is why I always say, "Can we leave
44:48
ourselves and everybody else better?" Like after you leave a
44:53
place, are they happy you had been there? Were you and your
44:57
energy and your love and everything a blessing? That's
44:59
why I say that. So that we can check ourselves, I do believe we
45:05
should be not. I say vigilant, but I don't mean like it's not
45:08
any fun, right? But we get to choose to the best of our
45:13
ability how we're showing up, and how we're speaking up, and
45:18
what what kind of what what we're leaving in our wake.
45:22
Someday we're all going to be dead, and wouldn't it be nice
45:25
if, if, if, if in general most of the people and the animals or
45:28
whatever are like, yeah, the world was better with this
45:31
person in it, you know. So let's be generous. Let's not be stingy
45:37
with our love. Let's be generous with our encouragement and our
45:39
cheerleading, and let's be wicked good audience members.
45:42
Okay, you want to find out how to, you know, work together?
45:47
Karen kenney.com. You want to find out about Write Club? Karen
45:50
kenney.com. You want to book a Thai yoga massage? Karen
45:53
kenney.com. Wicked easy to find, you guys. Want to listen to the
45:58
podcast? Karen kenney.com. Okay, I appreciate you. Thank you so
46:02
much for being here. I'm not even going to do my regular sign
46:05
off because I already did it. You already heard me say it,
46:07
right? Hopefully, this left you better than how it first found
46:11
you. Hopefully, this was helpful in some way. And if it was,
46:13
please share this sucker with somebody that you love. Okay.
46:17
Have a fantastic rest of your whatever day, night, week. I'm
46:20
sending you so much love from my hot tears. Bye. Hey, thanks so
46:25
much for listening to the show. I really love spending some time
46:29
together. Now, if you dig the show or know someone that could
46:32
benefit from this episode, please share it with them and
46:35
help me to spread the good word and the love. And if you want to
46:39
be in the know about all of my upcoming shenanigans, head on
46:43
over to Karen kenney.com/sign up and join my list. It'll be
46:49
wicked fun to stay in touch. Bye.