Latest / The Table with Anthony ONeal / Stop Being Yourself At Work Is BAD ADVICE! The Identity Crisis Keeping You Broke & Broken

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Stop Being Yourself At Work Is BAD ADVICE! The Identity Crisis Keeping You Broke & Broken · The Table with Anthony ONeal

0:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Dr. Joel, welcome to the table, man.
0:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And thank you.
0:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I finally made it to the table.
0:04
[SPEAKER_00]: I finally made it to the table.
0:05
[SPEAKER_00]: I finally made it.
0:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, sir.
0:07
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't need to introduce you, man.
0:08
[SPEAKER_00]: You are, you are Dr. Joel Tubman.
0:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And I want to get straight into it.
0:14
[SPEAKER_00]: You have a new book coming out called The Fight to Find Yourself.
0:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, sir.
0:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And I want to say thank you up front, bro, for this book.
0:23
[SPEAKER_00]: because you're mentioning your book and I have notes here because I was like, oh, this is good.
0:29
[SPEAKER_00]: You mentioned in your book that many people are pretending.
0:33
[SPEAKER_00]: and do not know their true selves.
0:36
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a statement that came from the truth, me.
0:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I pretended for very, very long time.
0:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think pretending comes from, it's sad to say, but we have even preached it, you know, fake it to you, make it.
0:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm not blaming that on the church, I'm not blaming on the church, but that has been a statement, a colloquialism from our church to fake it to you, make it.
0:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And here's what we look at when you do that in any realm, whether it's in church or whether you do it in your family and your personal life, you foreclose on your own identity.
1:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Foreclosure is a term that I know you are very aware of when it comes to money.
1:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Foreclosure is simply, I don't have the money to take care of the asset.
1:16
[SPEAKER_01]: So if I don't have the money to take care of the asset, the asset is gone.
1:19
[SPEAKER_01]: The same thing with my life, if I don't have the attention and the focus to pay what needs to be paid for my identity, I foreclose on who I'm supposed to be and I end up becoming what I create.
1:35
[SPEAKER_01]: to have some form of sustainability within whatever culture I'm trying to stand for instance whether it's, I want to look a certain way with money, or with my clothing, I want to present myself a certain way with females or males.
1:51
[SPEAKER_01]: We put on an identity and at the expense of losing who we are and some never finding who we are.
2:00
[SPEAKER_01]: So here's what happens.
2:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's what happens.
2:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's what happens.
2:05
[SPEAKER_01]: you can become absolutely successful pretending.
2:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, sir.
2:11
[SPEAKER_01]: You can be successful pretending.
2:14
[SPEAKER_01]: You can work hard and fall into a system that is working for you.
2:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And so what ends up happens, you become successful because we don't get paid initially for who we are.
2:27
[SPEAKER_01]: We get paid for what we can do.
2:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So, when you get paid for what you can do, you've got this identity foreclosure, plus this performance myth, married together.
2:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I got up a form to be known, but what's becoming known, the performer, not the person, you know what I'm saying?
2:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, I have to keep the performance up, I'm not going to get paid, I have to keep the performance up, or who I am is eventually going to come just lasting down because I'm
2:58
[SPEAKER_01]: All right.
2:59
[SPEAKER_01]: So the performance myth, I got to keep performing, keep performing, and then eventually, you start believing what you're performing.
3:07
[SPEAKER_01]: All right.
3:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, and I'm saying this from personal experience, but talk about anybody, you start believing what you're performing, but you've got to perform the live.
3:15
[SPEAKER_01]: You got bills to pay.
3:17
[SPEAKER_01]: You got family to take care of.
3:19
[SPEAKER_01]: You got your own desires, your own wishes, and you got to work for it, but sometimes,
3:26
[SPEAKER_01]: your own identity becomes the expense, it's at the expense of not knowing who you are.
3:34
[SPEAKER_01]: So you can pretend successfully, get rich.
3:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, sir.
3:39
[SPEAKER_01]: By homes, have everything, stocks, I may have it all, but not have you, bro.
3:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And so this book is about, how do I navigate?
3:52
[SPEAKER_01]: from the world that I've built, that is really not me, but I've benefited from it financially.
3:58
[SPEAKER_01]: I've benefited from it in every way imaginable, except who I am.
4:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And so you end up pretending for years until you decide to do the work to discover who are you.
4:14
[SPEAKER_00]: But you know what, Dr. Joel, the hardest part is doing that discovery.
4:23
[SPEAKER_00]: meant for years, do you know how long I pretended to be someone else?
4:28
[SPEAKER_00]: I pretended to be this guy that had it all together.
4:31
[SPEAKER_00]: I pretended to be this guy.
4:33
[SPEAKER_00]: I, I don't say this respectfully, um, I had opportunity to work with some of very, very, very, very well-known.
4:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, sir.
4:39
[SPEAKER_00]: And a huge part of me had to pretend to be a part of a world that I could not relate to, that I did not really understand.
4:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I will pretend, sometimes pretending your like,
4:51
[SPEAKER_00]: then for a while, I had to maintain that lie.
4:55
[SPEAKER_00]: That eventually one day, people found out, Anthony's lying.
4:59
[SPEAKER_00]: So then now is Anthony's a liar.
5:02
[SPEAKER_00]: No, I was pretending to get paid to perform, but then going home in my private area, I'm being my true self, but to the world, I'm pretending, and I might man at the end of the day.
5:16
[SPEAKER_00]: The lie is gonna come out some day.
5:19
[SPEAKER_00]: If I'm gonna be crucified because I was trying to perform it to please people, when one day I just woke up and said I'm done.
5:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow.
5:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I just said I can't do this anymore.
5:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was hard.
5:33
[SPEAKER_00]: It was rough.
5:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I lost a lot of money.
5:36
[SPEAKER_00]: I lost a lot of friends.
5:37
[SPEAKER_00]: I lost a lot of mentors.
5:39
[SPEAKER_00]: I lost respect from some people because it's what they said.
5:42
[SPEAKER_00]: So you lie to us all the time.
5:44
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, yeah, I was pretending to be someone that part of it was me, but the fullness wasn't me.
5:53
[SPEAKER_01]: And glad you said that, because I don't see it as a lie, even though I, but I don't know the intricacies of the situation.
5:59
[SPEAKER_01]: However, right.
6:01
[SPEAKER_01]: You're in survival mode, trying to pay bills, trying to come into something in the future.
6:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I see both sides.
6:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I understand that.
6:13
[SPEAKER_01]: But that's the part that I'm talking about.
6:15
[SPEAKER_01]: When you decide to find yourself, it cost the identity that you created.
6:21
[SPEAKER_01]: It cost the connections to that identity.
6:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And then it's still, it's been costing you who you really are all this time, and you don't know it, that's the pain at night.
6:32
[SPEAKER_01]: The pain at night is who am I?
6:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And you can't get on the national platform and say, I don't know who I am until you've come to a point where you're absolutely drained and tired.
6:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, and I did it.
6:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I got on a platform with Bishop Jake's stage and said, we were doing an interview on Sunship, and he was talking about some of the same things you're talking about.
6:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And in the middle of the conversation, we're sounding professional.
6:59
[SPEAKER_01]: We're sounding, we're trying to sound like who we are.
7:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
7:02
[SPEAKER_01]: What we do.
7:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Let me say that.
7:03
[SPEAKER_01]: We're trying to sound like what we do.
7:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
7:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I just stopped and I said, back and I said, I don't know who I am.
7:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And I started crying, man.
7:13
[SPEAKER_01]: So my 45, 46 years old said I don't know who I am.
7:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And here's what's, here's the immediate response from brothers after service.
7:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
7:21
[SPEAKER_01]: We sing you preach, that was as a people.
7:24
[SPEAKER_01]: You've coached the vision one football for.
7:27
[SPEAKER_01]: That's right, that's right, 20 years.
7:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
7:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, none of that is who I am, that's what I do.
7:34
[SPEAKER_01]: So what I do, that's what I do, and so the routine of what we do sometimes, if you don't know who you are, you sacrifice the discovery of who you are.
7:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm, and if you're successful, you got routines.
7:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, sir.
7:51
[SPEAKER_01]: If you have any level of success, you wake it up at 3 o'clock, 2 o'clock in the morning, the workout, that's my schedule.
7:55
[SPEAKER_01]: 2 o'clock in the morning, we're at 3 o'clock from 3 to 5 on with my guys.
7:59
[SPEAKER_01]: It's it's training and it's therapeutic.
8:01
[SPEAKER_01]: After that, I'm sharing and then I'm doing my morning devotional.
8:05
[SPEAKER_01]: I do more things from 5 to 9 and a lot of people do from 9 to 5.
8:09
[SPEAKER_01]: You know what I was saying?
8:11
[SPEAKER_01]: At there by the time we get to the office and do what needs to be done, I'm working on the next day or just a small little intricacies of people I'm gonna get that word out.
8:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And try and see things that are trying to just nail in the details and get them right.
8:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And so that's my routine has always been my success.
8:29
[SPEAKER_01]: But that routine also hindered me from discovering who I am.
8:39
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is going to be a vulnerable session for me.
8:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I think one of my downfalls as a single man is I always showed up in relationships with who I or what I did.
9:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Then I would realize that I was performing.
9:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Then when I got into the relationship
9:09
[SPEAKER_00]: the performance stopped correct and I gave them Anthony yeah and then I like whoa who was this right and and then I'm like what you didn't you didn't show me this guy you showed me this guy but then I think that's the case with everybody I think women show up too performing then when they get comfortable they show you this person how do we do that correctly bro because I think there is some level of
9:35
[SPEAKER_00]: For me, but there still is how do we still be ourselves?
9:41
[SPEAKER_00]: but give people parts of ourselves without feeling like we're giving them the wrong part of us.
9:45
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a great question, but let me answer it this way.
9:48
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
9:48
[SPEAKER_01]: You cannot give what you don't know.
9:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Come on man.
9:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
9:51
[SPEAKER_01]: So the first act of work is to do the work of finding who you are.
9:57
[SPEAKER_01]: That's it.
9:57
[SPEAKER_01]: So when you give this young lady Anthony, you don't even know who Anthony is.
10:03
[SPEAKER_01]: You didn't do the work to find out Anthony.
10:05
[SPEAKER_01]: You was just giving the, ah.
10:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes sir.
10:08
[SPEAKER_01]: take off the cape.
10:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, sir.
10:10
[SPEAKER_01]: But you still don't even know who's behind the cape.
10:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
10:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
10:13
[SPEAKER_01]: So we have to do the work of discovering who we are.
10:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Once we do the work, and that's kind of the hardest spot for some men.
10:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
10:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Because we're not used to being alone.
10:20
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to have somebody in every part of our journey.
10:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
10:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes you have to just cut all of that out.
10:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, sir.
10:26
[SPEAKER_01]: the truth is you got to cut it out because you got to do the work of discovering you and you can't do that without therapy you can't do that without self reflection you can't do that without actually sitting down and discovering this is the one piece we got to go to which is when when when when when we look in the scripture and Jesus is getting ready to be baptized.
10:46
[SPEAKER_01]: When he gets ready to go down in the water, he comes up out of the water.
10:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Who speaks?
10:50
[SPEAKER_01]: His father.
10:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Yep.
10:52
[SPEAKER_01]: What does his father say?
10:53
[SPEAKER_01]: This is my beloved son in whom I'm well, please.
10:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, sir.
10:59
[SPEAKER_01]: That's the first key first.
11:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
11:01
[SPEAKER_01]: That you have to do when it comes to fighting to find yourself.
11:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I've got to be okay with the fact that he loves me the way I am.
11:13
[SPEAKER_01]: If I can do that, then I'm not going to look for her or him or them or that to build me to feel comfortable.
11:24
[SPEAKER_01]: That's so good.
11:25
[SPEAKER_01]: I got to sit in the fact, okay, wait a minute, he loves me.
11:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I am his beloved.
11:30
[SPEAKER_01]: When I discovered that, and it takes him time, okay?
11:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not talking about church, repeat after me.
11:34
[SPEAKER_01]: I love the love.
11:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm talking about going at therapy, sitting down with family, sitting down with friends and actually doing the hard work.
11:42
[SPEAKER_01]: of finding yourself, that's the hard word.
11:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, once I do that, and I come into the knowledge, and I'm paying the price of who I am, if I ask you right now, and this is a personal question.
11:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I remember a couple of years ago, you posted about the car you wanted to buy for cash, and you bought it for cash.
12:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, sir.
12:03
[SPEAKER_01]: You saved the money for that car.
12:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Sure, Dad.
12:05
[SPEAKER_01]: If I walked in here and said, man, I had a car.
12:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Say what?
12:08
[SPEAKER_01]: If I said, see that?
12:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's say, well, well, let's see, well, well, well, you're not giving me that car, no, sir.
12:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Why?
12:16
[SPEAKER_01]: It's fine.
12:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I would hard for it.
12:18
[SPEAKER_01]: If you work hard to find yourself, ooh, you're not going to give yourself to anybody without doing the due diligence, without doing it, and that's research, without sitting down, taking time, before I give you me, come on.
12:34
[SPEAKER_01]: That's why finding you is more important than finding anything.
12:38
[SPEAKER_01]: It's more important to find in a wife.
12:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Find you first.
12:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Once you find you, you're not going to be so quick to give the keys over.
12:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I promise you, it's when you don't know you that you give yourself to almost anything and everything.
12:52
[SPEAKER_00]: And man, you are about to make me cry, don't.
12:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Now I'm so safe because it's like what you just said is that if you work hard and do the work to really find an understanding who you are, then you won't, you won't just give yourself to anyone.
13:08
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not going to do that.
13:10
[SPEAKER_00]: and it seems like some of the headaches that I have experienced is because I didn't do the work.
13:16
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I was just giving myself to anyone.
13:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Not much of talking about just some relationships, partnerships, business shifts, mentorships, et cetera, and it was because I gave myself, I submitted myself to someone who was unhealthy.
13:36
[SPEAKER_00]: And I allowed that particular person to speak into my life.
13:40
[SPEAKER_01]: They give you your identity.
13:42
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a part of identity for closure.
13:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Bro, they did.
13:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And I had to love in my life, Joe.
13:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow.
13:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And this particular person told me she's not the one because she has weave and she's dark skin.
13:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow.
13:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I came home and just let it go.
14:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Walk away from it because he gave me my identity.
14:05
[SPEAKER_00]: He told me how to think.
14:07
[SPEAKER_00]: And here you say Anthony, the reason why that happened is because you didn't do the work for yourself.
14:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And I trusted another man to guide me, which I believe in censorship.
14:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I do too.
14:18
[SPEAKER_00]: I believe in spiritual fatherhood.
14:20
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think at a point too, there still has to be a level like you said, man, I got to do the work for me.
14:25
[SPEAKER_00]: So when the father is speaking into my life, he's just confirming and elevating me, but he's not giving me 100% my identity.
14:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Have you ever seen the movie Man is still?
14:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
14:35
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, you remember the scene when he had saved everybody and then he says, look, let me take you.
14:42
[SPEAKER_01]: He was, he was, he was giving her to defend himself.
14:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
14:45
[SPEAKER_01]: He says, no, you can't do it.
14:47
[SPEAKER_01]: He said, that was wrong with me.
14:48
[SPEAKER_01]: He says, there's nothing wrong with you.
14:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Take some down into the shelter and said, we found you in this.
14:54
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, and here he goes, what?
14:55
[SPEAKER_01]: He said, we found you in this.
14:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And he goes, I'm not from here.
15:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And he was like,
15:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I am your father.
15:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Yep.
15:03
[SPEAKER_01]: He said, but somewhere out there, you got another father.
15:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's what I guess from that.
15:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Mr. Clark could only teach the young man how to be a Clark.
15:15
[SPEAKER_01]: He wasn't a Clark.
15:17
[SPEAKER_01]: He was a Clark by association.
15:20
[SPEAKER_01]: He was a Clark as an orphan.
15:21
[SPEAKER_01]: He taught him how to farm.
15:24
[SPEAKER_01]: He taught him how to just, you know, Paul Hay, but he couldn't teach him how to be Khalil.
15:30
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
15:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Because Khalil had another father.
15:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
15:33
[SPEAKER_01]: That had to tell him who he was.
15:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And it wasn't until Khalil left the kids.
15:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
15:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
15:40
[SPEAKER_01]: In search of who he was.
15:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
15:43
[SPEAKER_01]: And then we see him as Superman.
15:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Yep.
15:46
[SPEAKER_01]: But he was just really Khalil, who knew
15:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Who he was?
15:52
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't get Superman until Calale finds out who he is.
15:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And then all his dad told him, he says, listen, you're going to be a god there.
16:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah.
16:02
[SPEAKER_01]: He says, gravity is going to work for you.
16:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, right, right.
16:04
[SPEAKER_01]: You're going to be faster than everybody.
16:06
[SPEAKER_01]: You're going to be stronger than everybody.
16:08
[SPEAKER_01]: You're going to get your energy from the sun.
16:09
[SPEAKER_01]: But this got, he got this from spending time with his father.
16:14
[SPEAKER_01]: His father tells him what he can do and then what happens next?
16:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And because all of this is important, Khalil puts on his suit and he jumps up the fly.
16:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you remember what happened the first time he flies?
16:25
[SPEAKER_01]: He crashed it down.
16:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
16:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
16:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Multiple times.
16:28
[SPEAKER_01]: He went farther.
16:29
[SPEAKER_01]: He went farther and then his dad said, test it.
16:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Test just straight.
16:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Test just speed, then all of a sudden.
16:35
[SPEAKER_02]: It's...
16:40
[SPEAKER_01]: That's true.
16:41
[SPEAKER_01]: That's our lives.
16:42
[SPEAKER_01]: That is true.
16:43
[SPEAKER_01]: You cannot be afraid to test what God gave you.
16:47
[SPEAKER_01]: You cannot be afraid to go after the things.
16:49
[SPEAKER_01]: God, that's why you got to know you are his love.
16:53
[SPEAKER_01]: So that when you crash,
16:55
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not over.
16:56
[SPEAKER_01]: You didn't God didn't fail you.
16:58
[SPEAKER_01]: You're just operating you with new information that you never knew you could even do.
17:02
[SPEAKER_01]: You got power.
17:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, sir.
17:03
[SPEAKER_01]: But it doesn't access.
17:04
[SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't come into full flourishing until you access who you are.
17:10
[SPEAKER_01]: And you got to fight for that.
17:11
[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, no, we got to go here.
17:12
[SPEAKER_00]: We got to go here.
17:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I hear, I hear due to work.
17:16
[SPEAKER_00]: And the first part of work is believing and understanding that God loves you who you are.
17:20
[SPEAKER_00]: But from a practical standpoint,
17:23
[SPEAKER_00]: How do we do the work?
17:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Because it's like, I think men, we have a hard time at meeting that we need therapy.
17:30
[SPEAKER_00]: We have a hard time being vulnerable.
17:32
[SPEAKER_00]: We have a hard time getting in a room with men and just letting it all go.
17:39
[SPEAKER_00]: And correct me if I'm wrong.
17:40
[SPEAKER_00]: You've been married, you've been in the world longer than me.
17:42
[SPEAKER_00]: But bro, sometimes a vulnerable soft men in today's world is not accepted in society.
17:48
[SPEAKER_01]: A hard one isn't either.
17:55
[SPEAKER_01]: What's accepted is what you give.
17:58
[SPEAKER_01]: What's accepted is what you are really lintness about.
18:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Because once you decide to be what you've been called to be, that will always be on force, that will try to stop you from being exactly what you made your mind up to be.
18:12
[SPEAKER_01]: So who cares about what's accepted?
18:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Discover who you are.
18:17
[SPEAKER_01]: You said what about the work?
18:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's the deal.
18:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I said it.
18:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I think maybe three times already.
18:23
[SPEAKER_01]: The repeat is important.
18:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah.
18:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
18:26
[SPEAKER_01]: You need to get a therapist man.
18:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think we're almost graduating out of that cage that therapy is weak.
18:35
[SPEAKER_01]: There's enough information out here.
18:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And there's enough respectable man that have come out and said, if go on to therapy.
18:43
[SPEAKER_01]: So we have to graduate from that.
18:47
[SPEAKER_01]: That can't be an excuse anymore.
18:48
[SPEAKER_01]: There's enough alpha males that have said, I go to therapy.
18:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, what would you say to the people who say what therapy is expensive?
18:57
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I'm saying it's like, oh, I got a hundred fifty dollars, but therapy can talk to someone for an hour or a hundred fifty dollars to, you know, to do something as maybe, maybe not be a bill, but I can use it somewhere else and see a true value.
19:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, what if people don't really see the value in talking for an hour compared to maybe getting going out to a nice restaurant with a friend?
19:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Two things.
19:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Her book is going to cost you anywhere from free to $39.40 bucks.
19:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
19:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Here's book.
19:28
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to put that book inside the show notes.
19:33
[SPEAKER_01]: There are several books.
19:35
[SPEAKER_01]: All you got to do is get in your Apple piece and just Google therapy.
19:40
[SPEAKER_01]: You can do that all day long.
19:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's not going to cost you a lot of money.
19:43
[SPEAKER_01]: So books are one.
19:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Two.
19:46
[SPEAKER_01]: A good circle.
19:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, I mentioned to you earlier that I worked out at three o'clock in the morning.
19:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah.
19:52
[SPEAKER_01]: It started out with just two men.
19:54
[SPEAKER_01]: We worked out together and didn't that kind of grew it grew into about seven or eight men.
19:59
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
20:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And though we get the physical benefit from it, what we get the most now?
20:05
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
20:05
[SPEAKER_01]: is the therapeutic conversations, because we've invested enough time with each other now, that we feel safe talking about things that we would never talk about with anybody.
20:15
[SPEAKER_01]: No, it's facts.
20:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And so building a real community, a building community is not just going into a room thrown up, but building a community where trust has been built over time.
20:24
[SPEAKER_01]: with the, with the selected group of individuals, where you can actually be in a room and start healing from listening, not necessarily talking.
20:34
[SPEAKER_01]: So finding the right circle community is very, very important.
20:39
[SPEAKER_01]: It is expensive as it pertains to you showing up.
20:43
[SPEAKER_01]: reciprocating, because you've got some people that show up, but won't do anything or or at very inconsistent.
20:50
[SPEAKER_01]: You've got to show up.
20:50
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to cost you time.
20:52
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to cost you saying no to other things, because you need that accountability, all right?
20:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And because I'm Christian, I believe church, go on to the right church, hearing the word of God.
21:06
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't necessarily have to get counseling from your past.
21:11
[SPEAKER_01]: if you pay attention to the past to his teaching.
21:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Pet attention to the teachings, take the notes, write those notes, and if you go to a church that's strong enough financially, they probably have access to some forms of therapy.
21:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
21:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Whether it's them providing it, or referring you to someone outside that they may be able to have some type of discount.
21:33
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to be real with you for a second.
21:36
[SPEAKER_00]: You see, we're living in a world where everybody's got advice about everything.
21:40
[SPEAKER_00]: from your finances, to your mental health, even down to your relationships.
21:45
[SPEAKER_00]: But here's the thing, how do you know what actually works specifically for you?
21:50
[SPEAKER_00]: If I'm being vulnerable, I've been there, scrolling through endless tips and tricks on Instagram and listening to relationship experts for a single on clubhouse, building more confused than when I started.
22:04
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why I started therapy with better help.
22:06
[SPEAKER_00]: family got to be honest it was the best decision ever made you see better help isn't just some app they've got over 30,000 licensed professional therapists who actually know what they are doing and with a 4.9 out of 5 star rating review from over 1.7 million different people it's clear that this actually works
22:26
[SPEAKER_00]: And here's what I love, you can literally hop on a session from anywhere, car, your office, soccer game, wherever you need that support.
22:33
[SPEAKER_00]: And if your therapist isn't the right fit, man, this is amazing.
22:36
[SPEAKER_00]: You can switch with absolutely no drama and absolutely no hassle, whether you're dealing with relationships issues, stress, setting healthy boundaries, or just trying to level up mentally.
22:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Therapy isn't just for people with major trauma.
22:49
[SPEAKER_00]: It's for anyone including yourself, who wants to become the best version of themselves, better fathers, wives,
22:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Listen, my listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com for Sasha Hale.
23:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, that's betterhelp.com slash A.O.
23:07
[SPEAKER_00]: family, please do not sleep on your mental health.
23:11
[SPEAKER_00]: You deserve that support and doing a work.
23:17
[SPEAKER_00]: So I've done, I've done it right.
23:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And in therapy, man, I realized, I want you to speak to this.
23:22
[SPEAKER_00]: I think you've had to do the work in this area as well around parents.
23:27
[SPEAKER_00]: But I realized how my identity was formed back by my parents and I was relationship.
23:35
[SPEAKER_00]: My biological parents, which I won't say too much, I'm gonna respect my parents.
23:40
[SPEAKER_00]: But, you know, one of my biological parents
23:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And when I found out, I didn't know how impactful that impacted me and how I moved forward in relationships.
23:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Because the whole time, I grew up knowing my parents from a different view, them when I found out the truth, it created a level of trauma in me that I didn't even know was trauma.
24:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
24:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Until I met therapy and there was this, okay, so you have parents from my, no, I don't
24:17
[SPEAKER_00]: not, never say you don't love them, right?
24:19
[SPEAKER_00]: This is that that is trauma, and that's why you are acting this way, that's why you run away from relationships, and I'm like, wait, what?
24:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Help us understand where why it's important because I think a lot of people don't do not understand if I'm not mistaken,
24:35
[SPEAKER_00]: And the book you talk a little bit about you, you and your father's relationship, how does parents trauma impact us in our adult-hood lives?
24:44
[SPEAKER_00]: That we gotta do to work and understand that so we can move on.
24:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I think if you can learn to have open dialogue with your parents.
24:52
[SPEAKER_00]: What if you can't open?
24:55
[SPEAKER_01]: You gotta keep your foot on the gas until you can.
25:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so they may not wanna talk
25:05
[SPEAKER_01]: So let's just say, let's just say that's the capacity.
25:09
[SPEAKER_01]: She doesn't want to talk.
25:10
[SPEAKER_01]: He doesn't want to talk.
25:11
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't want to talk.
25:11
[SPEAKER_01]: What do you give from that?
25:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Nothing.
25:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Nothing.
25:14
[SPEAKER_01]: So you already understand this is the maximum outcome of this decision.
25:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And how is that decision working for you so far?
25:25
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not.
25:26
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you want to move beyond that, then you have to know that if I don't make this decision
25:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm never going to go any further than this, no matter how old I get, and no matter how much money I make to give my mother a new car or to take financial burdens off her back.
25:44
[SPEAKER_01]: It's still not going to change that we can't talk.
25:47
[SPEAKER_01]: So that has to be something that you internally want to change and you keep your foot on the gas.
25:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, I have built wall up to protect myself from those feelings with my father.
26:04
[SPEAKER_01]: My father's sickness is what forced me to break the wall.
26:10
[SPEAKER_01]: God, you know.
26:11
[SPEAKER_01]: But what's sad, Anthony is why did his sickness have to be the key indicator for me to break the wall?
26:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Come on, man.
26:20
[SPEAKER_01]: What should have been that was pride, man.
26:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't want to do it.
26:24
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't want to feel the pain of not knowing the pain of Not understanding I didn't want to answer certain questions.
26:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't want to ask him certain questions.
26:34
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't want to even go there So I built this cement wall around myself, so it wouldn't feel anything but when I found out he only had maybe a month to live
26:43
[SPEAKER_01]: And I went to spend that time with him.
26:45
[SPEAKER_01]: It was just chipping, chipping, chipping, chipping, chipping.
26:48
[SPEAKER_01]: In those conversations, I started finding out what my temper came from.
26:52
[SPEAKER_01]: I started finding out what my singing gift came from, my ability to sing prophetic songs came from everything.
27:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Came from him.
27:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Came from him.
27:02
[SPEAKER_01]: But we've never had those conversations.
27:04
[SPEAKER_01]: It was just kind of like, you know, I love you.
27:06
[SPEAKER_01]: They'd go, you know what I was saying?
27:07
[SPEAKER_01]: That was it.
27:08
[SPEAKER_01]: That was the maximum capacity.
27:11
[SPEAKER_01]: But I held my father's hand, for as far as we remember.
27:15
[SPEAKER_01]: He probably did it when I was a kid, but that's a grown man.
27:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I sit beside him and he says, hold my hands on him.
27:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Man, I got on my knees.
27:24
[SPEAKER_01]: He was an hospital pet, and I'm holding his hand.
27:26
[SPEAKER_01]: 46 at that time, I think, 47, 46.
27:34
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm crying.
27:37
[SPEAKER_01]: I never held the grown man's hand before.
27:41
[SPEAKER_01]: He says these words, I'm so proud of you.
27:46
[SPEAKER_01]: It snapped me in half.
27:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I had a moment to eat to say, I want to feel this.
27:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm glad I felt it.
27:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Man, I'm glad I felt it.
28:00
[SPEAKER_01]: So it was either deal with the old trauma.
28:04
[SPEAKER_01]: and stay locked up or come out and grow from the trauma, feel it, and try to grow from it.
28:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Don't just stay locked up and try to protect myself from it.
28:16
[SPEAKER_01]: That isn't gonna do anything for you.
28:18
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a, that's why it's called a fight.
28:20
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not easy.
28:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, going to hurt.
28:22
[SPEAKER_01]: There's going to be some things that you question, but you've got to have those conversations.
28:26
[SPEAKER_01]: From that experience, I went back to talk to my mom, I said, mom, tell me about this.
28:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Tell me about that.
28:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Tell me about this, because they have been divorced for years.
28:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And my mom starts telling me, your dad was like this, that dad was like that.
28:38
[SPEAKER_01]: These are some of the stories you're there.
28:40
[SPEAKER_01]: This happened to your dad when he was 17.
28:41
[SPEAKER_01]: This happened to your dad.
28:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I should have asked those questions when I was younger.
28:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Or maybe he should have had, maybe he should have told me those stories.
28:50
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.
28:51
[SPEAKER_01]: But at the end of the day, his death forced me to change how I handled my mom.
29:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Hmm.
29:00
[SPEAKER_01]: So I have had some of the most serious conversations with my mother.
29:04
[UNKNOWN]: Wow.
29:05
[SPEAKER_01]: My mother's told me things.
29:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I never thought I would ever know.
29:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I answer this question without getting too much into my family's business, but it is what it is.
29:16
[SPEAKER_00]: What if you have a family member that you need to have a conversation with?
29:22
[SPEAKER_00]: But when you have the conversation, it's easy for that family member to have a conversation with you.
29:30
[SPEAKER_00]: But then when this time for you to have the conversation about them, I gotta go.
29:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not doing this anymore.
29:35
[SPEAKER_01]: They don't wanna hear it.
29:36
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't wanna hear it because they feel attacked.
29:40
[SPEAKER_00]: When it says, really, I'm not trying to attack.
29:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just telling you, this is how I feel.
29:44
[SPEAKER_00]: This is what's going on in my heart.
29:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And so what we tend to do, I think, a lot of us can relate to this, we'll just avoid the conversation.
29:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Because we know what they will talk.
29:53
[SPEAKER_00]: But when this time for me to talk and give mine, they'll avoid it.
29:57
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's like, man, we want to have that conversation.
30:00
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't want to have it on their deathbed.
30:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to have it now to where I can hold your hand afterwards, to where I can hug you and cry with you afterwards, so we can go out to have a good time, but they have the conversation, needs to be had, but we can't have it because you may feel a certain kind of way, but we got to hear it.
30:19
[SPEAKER_00]: June 1 of here, how do we, what is the right way to get to the point where we can have that conversation?
30:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And I call it a healthy, uncomfortable conversation.
30:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Because it's not going to be joyful.
30:30
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not going to be fun, but I believe it'll be freeing.
30:33
[SPEAKER_00]: I believe it will be challenging, you know, uncomfortable.
30:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I mean, I don't hold grudges, bro.
30:40
[SPEAKER_00]: That's just one thing about me.
30:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I think I'm the only one in my family that just doesn't hold grudges.
30:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow.
30:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, we can literally scream and cuss each other out.
30:48
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll come on too, right afterwards.
30:49
[SPEAKER_00]: We got it all out.
30:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Cook way, I'll hug you.
30:51
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll get some knee.
30:53
[UNKNOWN]: One.
30:55
[SPEAKER_00]: But there are family members that we just can't have a conversation with and I think you could be so freeing and so Here's what you can do In this conversation Talk to him, please.
31:09
[SPEAKER_01]: I go into this conversation like this and I and I and you made a statement about I'm gonna hold your hand afterwards I'm gonna hold your hand during the room I'm gonna hold the hand during and then
31:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to do what I talk about in the last chapter of the book.
31:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, sir.
31:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I want to write a new story.
31:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Write a new story.
31:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So I look at you and I say, Anthony, this is what I want to see happening in the future.
31:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
31:33
[SPEAKER_01]: You and I have not talked for years or what I desire.
31:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And I have paper out what I desire that you and I talk once a week and you and I are going to start a business together and whatever it is, the new story is.
31:50
[SPEAKER_01]: The read, pre-think it.
31:51
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
31:55
[SPEAKER_01]: What you're seeing, you're rolling this story.
31:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm.
32:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Anthony, I said to sense it, sense it, sense it, sense it, sense it, sense it, and then, thank you back.
32:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's someone that role blocks in the past that has killed me from having this story years ago.
32:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
32:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
32:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Letting you see someone in the world blocks.
32:18
[SPEAKER_01]: It's the same conversation, but I'm attacking it from I want a new story.
32:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm tired of the old story stopping us and defining who we are.
32:27
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you say in the old story you hurt me?
32:31
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a tough, that's a tough, that's a tough.
32:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I don't mean it, but it'd be real.
32:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Some parents have either,
32:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Emotionally, the awards have hurt.
32:48
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't have to use the word hurt, okay?
32:50
[SPEAKER_01]: I think you can say, I was disappointed from this event and maybe I was asking too much, maybe my expectations were too high.
33:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know, can you help me process why I received it this way?
33:10
[SPEAKER_00]: What I hear you saying, you're coming off, do not attack.
33:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Correct.
33:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Ask questions.
33:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Correct.
33:20
[SPEAKER_00]: That puts some on a, puts them in a, defense of the bull.
33:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
33:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Defensive.
33:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, because the ones you were doing very defensive, they've already got, so you're disarming them.
33:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:32
[SPEAKER_01]: The disarming them and giving them the liberty to actually explain.
33:36
[SPEAKER_01]: without having to fight.
33:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Because there's the deal.
33:40
[SPEAKER_01]: They know that tension is there, which is why it's already there when you get ready to say it.
33:45
[SPEAKER_01]: That's why I disarm them.
33:47
[SPEAKER_01]: That's right, a new story together.
33:50
[SPEAKER_01]: We're destined to be together.
33:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And whatever that capacity is, we're destined.
33:54
[SPEAKER_01]: So let's write a new story on how we're gonna skip over X, Y, Z, X, Y, Z.
34:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't think it's going to work for you.
34:01
[SPEAKER_00]: No, I'm going to...
34:03
[SPEAKER_00]: I think even people watching this have this thing issue.
34:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Another issue that I think you can relate well with and a new year during this time is back in 2021.
34:12
[SPEAKER_00]: You lost your eldest son.
34:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, man.
34:17
[SPEAKER_00]: And I saw you go through it.
34:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
34:21
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think one thing I love about you is
34:25
[SPEAKER_00]: You, I didn't see, how do I say this correctly?
34:30
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't see the perfect Joel, like, no, you agreed.
34:32
[SPEAKER_00]: You were hurting, you were preaching, but you were crying.
34:36
[SPEAKER_00]: You were, it was, when we're saying how to find ourselves, how did you deal with grief?
34:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Because while a lot of us may not be able to say we lost a son, maybe we lost a loved one, maybe we lost,
34:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Something that was a huge part of our identity.
34:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Like a job, like a career, like a husband, like a wife.
35:00
[SPEAKER_00]: How did that Greek during that time?
35:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Did it hinder you that it slow you down?
35:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Would you say a little bit from finding yourself and becoming your true self?
35:08
[SPEAKER_01]: It took his death to help me find myself.
35:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's a strong statement, I don't even know if I said it right.
35:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Man.
35:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to say it took his death, but his death helped me find myself.
35:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't think I was everything.
35:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I needed to be for him.
35:26
[SPEAKER_01]: We had him early, 16 years old, and he was a great young man.
35:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And I didn't get the best of me.
35:39
[SPEAKER_01]: He didn't get the best of me, because he didn't get the meat that knew who he was.
35:43
[SPEAKER_01]: He got the meat that was still trying to figure it out.
35:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when he passed, it got it me.
35:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I was already fractured before he died.
35:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And then when he died, I tried to put a cast on the fracture.
36:05
[SPEAKER_01]: to keep father in him and try to help him through what he was going through.
36:09
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't think it was good enough.
36:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And I live with that today, wondering, what could have done better to help him, so that he could still be alive?
36:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Grief is a monster man, it attacks you in waves, there are days when you think that it's all good, and then all of a sudden it comes down like an avalanche on you.
36:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Losing him, I was already fractured.
36:40
[SPEAKER_01]: showed me that I couldn't keep pretending.
36:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I guess what we kind of talked about earlier.
36:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I could preach on to any kind of pressure, because I would tap into the Holy Ghost and become a known it for whatever the task is.
36:56
[SPEAKER_01]: But the learning leaves you have that the task, so the learning comes upon you for the task.
37:02
[SPEAKER_01]: So the learning comes upon me for the task, but when the task is over,
37:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm still dealing with me, and I'm still dealing with the fact that I lost him, but I lost him and I lost my dad.
37:12
[SPEAKER_01]: So the two of them released an avalanche of emotions that I had never embraced before.
37:22
[SPEAKER_01]: All people knew of Joel was just strength.
37:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's strong, strong.
37:28
[SPEAKER_01]: When I lost both of them, because they initiated with him,
37:37
[SPEAKER_01]: can be so blinding that it'll make you forget some of the things that you should never forget.
37:45
[SPEAKER_01]: My dad was at my son's funeral.
37:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think I forgot what?
37:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I was so angry with my father.
37:57
[SPEAKER_01]: God, I can't even believe I'm feeling this again.
37:59
[SPEAKER_01]: I was so angry with my father.
38:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I forgot he was there.
38:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And it took me right in the book.
38:07
[SPEAKER_01]: to realize he was there.
38:14
[SPEAKER_01]: He was there.
38:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I was right and then I remembered him put his hand on my back.
38:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I was getting ready to do my sons' eulogy and I had to cry to get and I went outside out of the side door and just
38:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Didn't know what to do and his hand was on my back and he said do whatever you got to do And I just screamed Hold it And he was right there Grief
38:52
[SPEAKER_01]: We all deal with in different ways, but what I will say to you is, make sure you get some help.
39:00
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't want grief to become something that you carry around for the rest of your life and you don't get a chance to get the tools that are necessary to help you move forward.
39:13
[SPEAKER_01]: grief is normal, but it can become unhealthy if you don't deal with it properly.
39:19
[SPEAKER_00]: No, I haven't lost someone like you, man, but man, when I walked away from my engagement, I was 30, I just knew that she was my wife.
39:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
39:42
[SPEAKER_00]: and some things came out in our mayor's counseling that hurt me tremendously that I just couldn't, I couldn't recover from.
39:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll never forget, I was in Jacksonville, Florida.
39:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I got up.
39:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I was supposed to catch a fly out like two, three days later.
39:59
[SPEAKER_00]: And I drove from Jacksonville, Florida to Nashville, Tennessee, five hours.
40:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, and I was hurt.
40:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I was crying.
40:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And you said, grief will make you, we all respond differently.
40:17
[SPEAKER_00]: My response was, my exact words, this is me speaking, not Dr. Joe speaking, I was like, if it, I'm about to just wild up.
40:26
[SPEAKER_00]: And I went out there and dated ladies and I heard their feelings.
40:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I was using them in my grief to cover up some things that I needed to heal from, to cover up my hurt in my pain from her.
40:39
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll never forget, only a lady looked at me and she said, I'm not her, and you're not gonna use me to get over that.
40:52
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm better than that, and you need help.
40:54
[SPEAKER_00]: You need therapy, and got up and left my house.
40:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow.
40:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And when she said that I'll never forget the next day, I went a little for therapy.
41:05
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the first time my parents didn't tell me I needed therapy.
41:10
[SPEAKER_00]: My friends didn't tell me I needed therapy.
41:14
[SPEAKER_00]: But a woman who I was hurting looked at me and she said, You're grieving and you're using me to cover up some thing.
41:22
[SPEAKER_00]: And she was like, I'm not going to be that person.
41:25
[SPEAKER_00]: And she left.
41:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Good for her.
41:27
[SPEAKER_00]: She helped you.
41:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh yeah.
41:29
[SPEAKER_00]: You know?
41:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And I hate, and I have to say this,
41:35
[SPEAKER_00]: I hate that it took me hurting someone else to realize that I am hurt, and that I needed some help, and that I needed to deal with my grief because, bro, if I'm being honest, I'm a Christian.
41:48
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, okay, I can't give my wife my virginity, but I can give my wife my only knee.
41:55
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm okay, go away.
41:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, I can't give it as, but I gave it as.
41:58
[SPEAKER_00]: It's only found out on that now why, I'm not even married.
42:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't give you my first knee, and I can't give you my virginity.
42:04
[SPEAKER_00]: What can I give you?
42:05
[SPEAKER_00]: So I felt like I'm, I'm no good of a man because my sister gave her husband her virginity and hurt and everything.
42:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I used the first first, right?
42:14
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, what am I giving?
42:15
[SPEAKER_00]: So I felt less than because I was somewhat misled towards the end of our relationship and it hurt and I was grieving, I was hurt.
42:29
[SPEAKER_00]: And so what I did is a man from me,
42:31
[SPEAKER_00]: what I tend to do, what I don't do now, but in the past, I would try to do something to cover the hurt, sweep it up on either row.
42:41
[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't see it, it's still there, and it's still impacting me.
42:44
[SPEAKER_00]: And I never forget, it is so funny, because at therapy, I learned this, bro.
42:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe when my parents say clean the room, I didn't clean the room.
42:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I just put everything up on his head.
42:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
43:00
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a one day, whoo!
43:02
[SPEAKER_00]: We, Joe, I'm crying, man, because one day, my mom came upstairs to clean the room.
43:09
[SPEAKER_00]: And she was cleaning the other rooms, not my room.
43:12
[SPEAKER_00]: She was cleaning the other rooms because she smelled something.
43:17
[SPEAKER_00]: And she was in the room like,
43:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't hear, I just, what is this?
43:21
[SPEAKER_00]: And she's in other room, and she comes to my room.
43:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And she says, I'm smelling a room, son.
43:27
[SPEAKER_00]: But I don't see what I smell.
43:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, huh?
43:31
[SPEAKER_00]: It should I go up beneath the bed.
43:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Man, I got plates with ants all on it, with left over little small pieces of lasagna.
43:42
[SPEAKER_00]: And the thing is, she looked at me, and she said, how did you not smell this?
43:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, because I got used to this smell.
43:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, how many of us are so used to drama and to the pain that has become so common that we consider it normal, but somewhere else I'd be like, no, you're hurting, you're grieving, and we're looking at them crazy when really we've just gotten so used to that.
44:07
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, I got so used to just living in pain and not valuing who I am.
44:17
[SPEAKER_00]: and allowing that previous situation to define me that I was unintentionally hurting people.
44:27
[SPEAKER_00]: And on my bro here and you say that, man, that grief and anger could just make you a miss.
44:33
[SPEAKER_01]: You miss moments.
44:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I write in the book.
44:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Kind of like what you just said, there's a chapter called fight right.
44:40
[SPEAKER_01]: This is called fight right.
44:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, sir.
44:42
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, everything you just talked about is in that book.
44:46
[SPEAKER_01]: It a different format.
44:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
44:47
[SPEAKER_01]: We fight on healthy.
44:50
[SPEAKER_01]: We find different ways to deal with it and I had to figure out how to fight right because all of that is almost the same thing I did.
44:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Going other ways to deal with it through people, through addictions, drinking, smoking, going out, creating other ways to fight.
45:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And none of it helped.
45:11
[SPEAKER_00]: None of it, none of it, none of it.
45:13
[SPEAKER_00]: One thing I related to you when my last question we can close for two more questions I'm going to talk a little bit more about your book why people should get it.
45:19
[SPEAKER_00]: But one thing you talk about in your book, man, is at one point in time and correct me if I'm wrong, you battled suicide or thoughts.
45:27
[SPEAKER_00]: And I did that at 20 years old as well, sleeping in the back of my car.
45:33
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think a lot of us questioned, I think was last year.
45:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Last year, man, I lost a beautiful friend.
45:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I say this, I mean, it's the most respectful way.
45:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I, G, model, beautiful gorgeous, head-earning woman.
45:50
[SPEAKER_00]: She was a fitness expert, and we would talk once a week.
45:56
[SPEAKER_00]: And then one day I woke up, I didn't get the call, I normally get, she committed suicide.
46:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Ashley, they're in Florida and or a lot of them.
46:06
[SPEAKER_00]: She was like, she was super, super buffroom.
46:11
[SPEAKER_00]: I never knew she was battling.
46:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I never knew she was going on.
46:16
[SPEAKER_00]: She never told me anything.
46:17
[SPEAKER_00]: We were talk, everything would be cool.
46:20
[SPEAKER_00]: We were laugh.
46:21
[SPEAKER_00]: She would tell me what she's working out on.
46:23
[SPEAKER_00]: She'll ask me questions about YouTube and stuff like that.
46:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Then I didn't get a call one day.
46:28
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, well, should we normally talk on Tuesday mornings?
46:32
[SPEAKER_00]: And I didn't get a call.
46:34
[SPEAKER_00]: So I thought she was as busy.
46:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Tuesday evening, it's all over social media.
46:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Never told me.
46:42
[SPEAKER_00]: that she was going through.
46:43
[SPEAKER_00]: And as a friend, I was upset with her.
46:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I'm like, you could have taught to me.
46:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I would have flew down the floor, then I would have got her boyfriend, and we all would have went there to make sure that she's good.
46:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think a lot of people right now, Dr. Joel, are battling that on the inside, but pretending on the outside.
47:07
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't want people to know, I have these thoughts, I have these concerns, I have these feelings.
47:12
[SPEAKER_00]: What, what would you say to that person who is lost?
47:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Who sometimes may not be all the way there, but they've had that thought of is my life even worth it?
47:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Number one, your life is worth living.
47:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Number two, the moment you start having those feelings, whoever you're close with, tell them.
47:39
[SPEAKER_02]: Mm-hmm.
47:40
[SPEAKER_01]: tell them you want as much as support around your life as possible.
47:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Number two, find out if you can, because I've been there and I'm going to share a couple of things.
47:56
[SPEAKER_01]: what triggers it so that you can say that to the people that you love in your life, the people that you know love you.
48:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Because there are certain things that happen that make you go there.
48:08
[SPEAKER_01]: We're strong and all these other areas and there's this whatever this thing is that you feel like you just can't beat or you just feel less than that makes you feel like you
48:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I think we'll be number three and number four, three.
48:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Number three, to me, if that's an issue that's repetitive in your life, then I would talk about it as much as possible until I get it out of my system.
48:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I would talk about it and I'm not talking about doing speeches on it.
48:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm talking about with the loved ones that can help me take it to the next level.
48:49
[SPEAKER_01]: because therapy is important.
48:52
[SPEAKER_01]: We need to get to therapy.
48:52
[SPEAKER_01]: So if it takes me telling Anthony for Anthony to go to a therapist, so if you got to go with me for me to help get help through this process, I think this important.
49:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I am, I think, a two-time suicide survivor.
49:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I talk about one in the book, or I took the pills, but I put a gun to my head with bullets in the clip
49:20
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, it didn't fire, that's God.
49:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And I didn't tell anybody, as when I go back and I look at it, if I had somebody to talk to, right, right, right, right, right.
49:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Back then, I probably still wouldn't have, because I didn't have the language, but today I do, today I have the language, which I would study, that's the last thing I would write down.
49:45
[SPEAKER_01]: I would study what suicide does to the survivors.
49:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Wow, because you have this feeling right now and she's gone.
49:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
49:58
[SPEAKER_01]: So I would study what it does to those that actually survived the incident, so that you can have the knowledge of.
50:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And if I do this, this is going to destroy Anthony.
50:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, man.
50:09
[SPEAKER_01]: This is going to destroy my mother.
50:11
[SPEAKER_01]: This is going to destroy my father, my best friends.
50:13
[SPEAKER_01]: I think it's something that's worth really diving into, because it's common.
50:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, sir.
50:18
[SPEAKER_01]: It's very common.
50:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, sir.
50:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I know we pressed the time.
50:20
[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
50:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I felt like I wasn't a good friend.
50:30
[SPEAKER_00]: We talked every week for a year.
50:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Nothing sexual, I respect her relationship.
50:37
[SPEAKER_00]: It was a big bro to a little sis, trying to help her get her platform on YouTube and blow her brand up even more.
50:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And all of the sudden, a whole year, you never show me any signs of that.
50:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And you take your life.
50:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Nothing wrong with her boyfriend.
50:53
[SPEAKER_00]: But the letter that she wrote, which I won't say because the family hasn't released a letter, I was disappointed, man.
50:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I'm like, well, we could have got through this.
51:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, your boyfriend loved you.
51:04
[SPEAKER_00]: He was thinking about proposing that year.
51:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Her family loved her, but she was comparing.
51:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna be quiet.
51:09
[SPEAKER_00]: But it did something to me because I felt like, I wasn't a good friend.
51:15
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I started asking my other friends, are you good?
51:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I saw the asking her, you go, and my good friend of you, because I'm like, wait, wait, do we need to talk?
51:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
51:25
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is one thing I love about, one of my closest friends, who's my pastor as well, pastor Stephen Channer, is so funny because he mentors me on the pulpit.
51:37
[SPEAKER_00]: When we're in person, 10% of our conversation is about God.
51:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
51:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I get what I need from him.
51:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry.
51:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to pulpit.
51:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
51:45
[SPEAKER_00]: The 90% of his man in man.
51:48
[SPEAKER_00]: It's he talking to me about my life as man.
51:52
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm talking to him like a bro you straight.
51:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm talking about if he struggling man, he'll cut my house and chill out.
51:58
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll come in here and we'll have a good on his talk because bro, if it wasn't for my circle,
52:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I probably will have some more solace, I thought.
52:05
[SPEAKER_01]: That's where the performance thing has to be flushed.
52:07
[SPEAKER_01]: That's so good.
52:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Because at the friendship is built on the performance, you're not going to talk about anything personal.
52:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
52:13
[SPEAKER_01]: You think you've got to perform to stay in the circle with them.
52:15
[SPEAKER_01]: No, bro.
52:16
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you've got a circle with it, my circle, every morning, how are you?
52:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's what we actually, how are you?
52:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't care about where you just live preaching.
52:25
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't care about the business deal, you just sign.
52:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
52:27
[SPEAKER_01]: How are you?
52:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, sir.
52:29
[SPEAKER_00]: How are you feeling?
52:29
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's so funny, y'all, because Pastor Joe, Dr. Joe, is a guy who turned me on the coach beat.
52:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
52:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I looked at Joe one day, I felt so bad.
52:39
[SPEAKER_00]: I was big, man, when I, that time when I asked you when we was doing that conference.
52:44
[SPEAKER_00]: And I saw Joe eating eggs, grapes,
52:49
[SPEAKER_00]: He didn't test the real sweet stuff.
52:52
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, how does this do this big in this lane?
52:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Looking like this ain't eating.
52:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I said, Joe, I need some help.
52:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I need to get healthy.
52:57
[SPEAKER_00]: You turn me on to Coach B.
52:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And I remember I told Joe on the shuttle Coach B.
52:59
[SPEAKER_00]: How Coach B called me at three, third day in the morning?
53:00
[SPEAKER_00]: It was Ashley, Dr. Joe, who called me?
53:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And he handed me to me to go to go.
53:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
53:11
[SPEAKER_00]: You ain't gonna mess up my work out, but here you go, and I mean, bro, you're so right because now when Coach B calls me, his very first question is, how are you?
53:21
[SPEAKER_00]: How are you?
53:22
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm good, man.
53:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm lifted.
53:24
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not asking about that.
53:25
[SPEAKER_00]: How are you?
53:26
[SPEAKER_00]: How are you, Ale?
53:27
[SPEAKER_00]: When we worked out a couple of weeks when he was downtown, how are you, man?
53:31
[SPEAKER_00]: I was up, but we got to shoot a show.
53:32
[SPEAKER_00]: We get to, how are you?
53:34
[SPEAKER_01]: They're gonna get your hug too.
53:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, folks.
53:36
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm saying?
53:37
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, hey, let's be real, Joe.
53:38
[SPEAKER_00]: It feels different as a man.
53:40
[SPEAKER_01]: It feels way different.
53:41
[SPEAKER_01]: To have another man hug you.
53:44
[SPEAKER_01]: But this is it.
53:45
[SPEAKER_01]: That's how psychotic we've gotten.
53:49
[SPEAKER_01]: This is a thing about it.
53:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Just think about it.
53:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Think about it.
53:53
[SPEAKER_01]: So all of that, those are reasons why we commit suicide.
53:58
[SPEAKER_02]: Bro, bro.
53:59
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't love each other, we can't tell each other to truth.
54:02
[SPEAKER_01]: We want to hear the performance, how great you are, and the real stuff?
54:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
54:09
[SPEAKER_00]: We shine it.
54:09
[SPEAKER_00]: No, we do.
54:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I told one of my boys, I said, man, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, man, love you, bro.
54:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Wait, what?
54:17
[SPEAKER_00]: He hit me back, it was like,
54:22
[SPEAKER_00]: But what's up?
54:24
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, what's me?
54:26
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like because I've gotten around such because I've become healthier because I'm true to myself.
54:31
[SPEAKER_00]: I can love Dr. Joe.
54:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
54:33
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm saying?
54:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I got like, like, when I see my people going through, like,
54:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I meant, love you, I'm here for you.
54:40
[SPEAKER_00]: I genuinely, they say no LUV number, I love you.
54:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I love you as a brother, I got your bag, and I'm here for you, and he was like, bro, I, he was started.
54:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Missed him up.
54:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Missed him all the way up.
54:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I said, no, no, bro, for one day, not in that way.
54:51
[SPEAKER_00]: I know, I get it.
54:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
54:58
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I'm saying?
54:59
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, bro, not in that way.
55:01
[SPEAKER_00]: What do you like?
55:01
[SPEAKER_00]: You and my brother, don't you?
55:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
55:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like, I don't say that to any and everybody but when I love you, I love you.
55:07
[SPEAKER_00]: And man in my dead, now we embrace each other.
55:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And my dead will say, I love you.
55:12
[SPEAKER_00]: It's beautiful.
55:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And do you know how good that feels?
55:13
[SPEAKER_00]: It feels wonderful that a man can embrace his son because they're now, if I'm blessed to have a son, oh my son gonna be 50 and I'm gonna give him a moment.
55:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Come on man.
55:23
[SPEAKER_01]: That's one of the greatest signs that you found yourself and your healing so that you can actually be open.
55:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Man, listen, we open.
55:31
[SPEAKER_00]: The fight to find yourself.
55:33
[SPEAKER_00]: There are so many books around therapy, mental health around this.
55:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Why would you say you wanted to enter into the conversation?
55:42
[SPEAKER_00]: What are we really going to walk away from this book?
55:45
[SPEAKER_00]: That is going to be different from the other books out there.
55:47
[SPEAKER_00]: That's similar to the context.
55:49
[SPEAKER_00]: But the DNA is different from you.
55:51
[SPEAKER_01]: The difference is, they're going to be stories in this book.
55:55
[SPEAKER_01]: There's not just going to be somebody telling you what to do, giving you theory.
56:00
[SPEAKER_01]: You're going to see theory and you're going to see a survivor inside of it.
56:05
[SPEAKER_01]: That's good.
56:05
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to show you stories.
56:07
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to give you a peek into my life, a stuff that I've never said across the stage in the world.
56:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you read it, you're going to see that guy.
56:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow.
56:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that guy.
56:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Love it, love it, love it, love it.
56:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Got it, Joe, appreciate you, man.
56:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, thank you.
56:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Love you, bro.
56:22
[SPEAKER_00]: You are my brother.
56:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Love you, man.
56:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, listen y'all, uh, we're going to put a, uh, um, I don't know what to say this.
56:31
[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to put his book inside of the show notes.
56:34
[SPEAKER_00]: We're also going to link to better help, uh, because I think that those of you all who are listening to this probably, um, felt something today.
56:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And while this wasn't a money angle, if this is not good, you're going to waste your money, if this is not good, you're going to stay in debt.
56:51
[SPEAKER_00]: If this is not good, here are never going to really become wealthy.
56:55
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I want you to get my brother's book, and I also want you to go ahead and get some time with a therapist.
57:02
[SPEAKER_00]: If you go to
57:05
[SPEAKER_00]: or betterhelp.com 4-8O, confirm with the link inside of the description.
57:10
[SPEAKER_00]: They're going to give you 20% off your first couple of sessions.
57:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to get them just have that honest conversation.
57:15
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll be honest with y'all.
57:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes I go in there, I cry, I scream, and I curse.
57:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I ain't going to lie to you.
57:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I'm a Christian, but at the same time, I paid them to tell them the truth.
57:30
[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't have to perform with them because I need freedom and I'm going to be the best person I can for my future wife My children for the community and for y'all and so today's show when a little bit lonely In normal, but I felt like it needed to and so get a copy of my brother's book go check out better help Get that freedom so you can be the best version for yourself first and then for others Y'all should both Anthony or Nathan is so much we'll see in our next show peace out