Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Handle Conflict Between Team Members
Transcript
- Lucas: The hardest part about stepping into a management role isn't figuring out your own workload. It's watching two people who used to be friends, or at least civil colleagues, start actively undermining each other. And you realize you are now the referee. Luna: Exactly. And what makes it trickier is that they both come to you with valid grievances. They aren't lying. They just see the world completely differently. Lucas: Right. So let's talk about a specific scenario that keeps coming up in our inbox. A mid-sized software company. Let's call the product lead Sarah and the engineering lead Mark. Sarah wants to ship a new feature by Friday. Mark says the code isn't stable enough and pushes back hard. This isn't a one-time disagreement. It happens every sprint. Sarah thinks Mark is being difficult. Mark thinks Sarah is reckless. As their new manager, you step in to mediate. Luna: And what does the typical new manager do? They probably set up a meeting to get them on the same page. Lucas: Usually, yes. The instinct is to bring them together, listen to both sides, and find a compromise. Maybe Sarah agrees to wait until Monday, and Mark agrees to give her a preview build on Friday afternoon. On paper, that sounds like a win-win. Everyone gets something. But here is the problem: that compromise doesn't address the root cause. It just papers over the friction. Luna: Because the friction isn't about the date. It's about trust. Sarah doesn't trust Mark's estimates. Mark doesn't trust Sarah's priorities. Lucas: Spot on. And if you don't fix the trust issue, next week they will just fight about a different thing. Maybe it's a bug report. Maybe it's a design choice. The pattern repeats because you treated the symptom, not the disease. I saw a case study recently about a similar situation in a marketing agency. The creative director and the account manager were at war. The agency head tried to force them to collaborate on client presentations. It got worse. Creatives felt stifled. Account managers felt ignored. The tension leaked out to the junior staff, who started picking sides. Luna: That is terrifying for a new manager. You just want peace in the office. You don't want to create a clique. Lucas: I know. It's tempting to just say, 'Can you two please get along?' But that is the worst thing you can say. It puts the burden on their personalities rather than on the process. So, what is the better move? Instead of trying to make them like each other, you have to make their goals align. You have to shift the conversation from 'Who is right?' to 'What are we trying to achieve?' Luna: So you take them out of the interpersonal trap and put them into a shared objective. Like a joint project goal. Lucas: Precisely. In the software example, instead of arguing about the Friday deadline, you sit down with both of them and define what success looks like for the quarter. Is it user retention? Is it revenue? Once you have that north star, you ask them to map their work back to it. Sarah realizes that shipping a buggy feature hurts retention. Mark realizes that delaying too long loses market share. Now they are fighting the problem, not each other. Luna: That requires a lot of clarity from you as the manager though. You have to be really sure about those goals. Lucas: It does. And that is where many new managers stumble. They are so focused on keeping the peace that they avoid setting hard boundaries. They hope that if they just facilitate enough meetings, the magic will happen. But leadership is about making decisions. Sometimes that decision is unpopular. You might have to tell Sarah that the feature is delayed, even if she hates it. You might have to tell Mark that he needs to provide more visibility, even if he feels micromanaged. Luna: It feels risky. Because now you are the bad guy to both of them. One person gets what they want, the other doesn't. Lucas: But here is the thing: if you never make a call, you become the bottleneck. And everyone resents the bottleneck. By making a clear decision based on data and strategy, you actually reduce the ambiguity. Ambiguity is where conflict thrives. When people don't know what the priority is, they default to defending their own turf. Clear priorities force collaboration. Luna: So it's less about mediation and more about direction. You provide the direction, they figure out the execution together. Lucas: Yes. And sometimes, you also have to accept that they won't be best friends. That is okay. Professional respect is enough. You don't need them to go to happy hour together. You need them to trust each other's competence. So, how do you build that trust? One way is to create structured handoffs. Instead of informal chats, you establish a formal review process. Sarah submits her requirements in writing. Mark reviews them against technical constraints. There is a checklist. It removes the emotion from the interaction. Luna: I like that. It takes the heat out of it. It becomes about the checklist, not about Sarah vs. Mark. Lucas: Exactly. Process creates safety. When there is a clear rulebook, people feel safer pushing back. Mark knows he isn't being difficult; he is following protocol. Sarah knows she isn't being ignored; she is waiting for the review. It depersonalizes the conflict. But you have to be careful not to over-engineer it. If the process becomes so rigid that nothing gets done, then you have created bureaucracy, which is its own kind of conflict. Luna: So finding that balance is key. Just enough structure to guide them, but enough flexibility to let them work. Lucas: Right. And you have to model that behavior yourself. If you are reactive, sending angry emails when things go wrong, they will mirror that. If you are calm, data-driven, and focused on solutions, they will eventually follow suit. It takes time. You might see pushback for the first few weeks. They might test you. They might try to pull you back into the middle. Stay the course. Luna: It sounds exhausting though. Maintaining that neutrality while they are throwing shade at each other. Lucas: It is. That is why you need to document everything. Keep a record of the agreements. If they drift apart, you can point to the original plan. It protects you from gaslighting. You've heard that term, right? Where one person tries to convince another that their reality is wrong. In a conflict, it often shows up as 'You never said that.' Having a written trail is your shield. Luna: Definitely. I had a colleague once who would claim we agreed to something totally different. It was maddening until we started using email summaries after every meeting. Lucas: See? That is a practical tool. Send an email after the meeting: 'Just to recap, we agreed X by Y date, and Z will handle A.' No drama. Just facts. It forces alignment without requiring a face to face confrontation. And it gives you leverage if someone falls behind. You can say, 'As per our agreement last Tuesday...' It is polite, professional, and firm. Luna: It shifts the power dynamic. You aren't relying on memory or goodwill. You are relying on accountability. Lucas: Exactly. Accountability is the antidote to conflict. When people know they are accountable to a standard, they stop attacking each other and start focusing on the standard. It changes the culture of the team from adversarial to collaborative. But again, you have to enforce it. If someone misses the mark, you have to address it immediately. Don't let it slide. Small breaches of trust accumulate into big problems. Luna: So consistency is the secret ingredient. Consistent expectations, consistent feedback, consistent consequences. Lucas: Consistency builds predictability. And predictability reduces anxiety. Anxiety fuels conflict. When people don't know what is expected, they get defensive. When they know exactly what is expected, they can relax and focus on doing the work. That is the goal. To lower the emotional temperature of the room. Luna: It reminds me of the idea that managers should be icebreakers, not referees. You break the ice before the conflict starts by setting clear rules. Lucas: Love that metaphor. Icebreakers prevent collisions. Referees deal with fouls. You want to be an icebreaker. You set the tone in the first one-on-ones. You say, 'Here is how we work together. Here is how we disagree. Here is how we decide.' Make it explicit. Most teams operate on implicit assumptions. Those assumptions are usually wrong. Exposing them early saves you months of headaches later. Luna: So, if you are a new manager listening to this, start by mapping out those assumptions. What do you think your team believes about how decisions are made? Probably wrong. Lucas: Probably. And then clarify it. Write it down. Share it. Get buy-in. It might feel like extra work upfront, but it pays dividends downstream. You spend less time putting out fires and more time building the business. That is the ultimate goal, right? Not just to keep the peace, but to drive results. Luna: Totally. Peace is nice, but results are better. And you can't have sustainable results if the team is constantly at war with itself. Lucas: Well said. It is about creating an environment where conflict is constructive, not destructive. Where disagreements lead to better ideas, not broken relationships. That is a skill worth mastering. Luna: Agreed. It's not easy, but it's definitely possible if you stay disciplined. Lucas: If today was actually useful to you, the way these stay ad-free is listener support — buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Luna: Yeah, it really helps keep the show going and lets us dig into these kinds of practical details for you. Lucas: Thanks for the support. Now, let's circle back to that accountability piece. Because once you have set the rules, you have to apply them evenly. Luna: Especially when it's uncomfortable. Applying rules to your favorite person is the real test. Lucas: Absolutely. If you bend the rules for someone you like, you lose all credibility. The moment you do that, the conflict comes roaring back, amplified. So you have to be brave. You have to treat everyone the same, even if it feels awkward. Luna: It feels awkward at first, but it quickly becomes the norm. And the team respects it. Lucas: They do. Respect is built on fairness. Not on popularity. So keep that in mind as you navigate your first few months. Focus on fairness, focus on clarity, and watch how the dynamics shift. Luna: It's a lot of work, but the payoff is a team that actually works well together. Lucas: It is. And that is worth every bit of effort. What do you think? Is there a specific conflict you are dealing with right now? Luna: Maybe. Or maybe I'm just avoiding it. Which is probably the worst option of all. Lucas: Don't avoid it. Face it. Set the rules. Hold the line. You've got this.