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Building Healthy Communication in Relationships · The Road Doc Podcast

• 0:03
  Most relationships don't fail because of lack of love, but
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  they fail because of poor communication, isn't it?
• 0:12
  It's not actually what you said, but how you said it, and not
• 0:17
  what they did but how you interpreted it.
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  One misunderstood message, 1 ignored feeling, one defensive
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  reaction. That is all it takes and it will
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  slowly break something that once felt pretty much perfect, right?
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  So the real question is, are you actually communicating or are
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  you just reacting? Let us just dive into it and
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  say, hey guys, welcome back to the Road Doc podcast.
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  This is episode 2. I call this building healthy
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  communications in relationships. All right, so I would like to
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  give a small intro for you all. My name is Doctor Mukund, the
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  Road Dog podcast solo host so far.
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  And in the season 6 and episode 2 today we are going to talk all
• 1:14
  about the relationships and literally defines whether a
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  relationship survives or silent eclipses due to lack of
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  communication because not talking anymore or shall we
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  become better at communication? Let us just be very brutally
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  honest, alright? Most people do not communicate
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  to understand. They communicate to mostly
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  defend or prove or win some sort of arguments and so on and so
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  forth. So that is why let us just break
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  into some segments and we will deep dive into it, am I right?
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  Let us just start with what is healthy communication in
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  general, right? Basically, healthy communication
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  is about not being about right specially in relationships.
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  It is about being understood and understanding the other person.
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  Mostly it includes listening without interrupting, expressing
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  without attacking, responding without reacting.
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  If your conversations feels like an arguments, that is not
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  communication. That is basically computation.
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  Now where does people actually fail?
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  Believe it or not, most people have problem with listening.
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  Yeah, I have talked to so many peoples and have got little bit
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  of insights where does these things are failing.
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  And guess what, most people lack the core thing that is basically
• 2:53
  listening. They do not listen first, they
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  just listen one segment of it and then just try to convert and
• 3:04
  put it into fights and so on and so forth.
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  Basically, that is the root Causeway.
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  So if for whatever reason one of the partner or anyone is not
• 3:16
  listening, screwed, that is the root Causeway of all the evil.
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  Let us just say it is not the problem that is creating the
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  problem. It is because the basic sense of
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  listening without judging to the problem is what causing a major,
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  major problem. Whether you like it or not, that
• 3:36
  is the truth. Just just check your
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  relationship. Or how many people are willing
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  or able to listen without interpreting or without
• 3:48
  reacting, or without doing any other crazy judgmental things
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  and so on and so forth, right? Most of them will jump just like
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  that into conclusions and then screw everything up.
• 4:01
  Congratulations. If you are in that relationship,
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  all you got to do is run. Let's move on to the second
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  segment of this, the biggest mistakes people make.
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  Let's break some real patterns, alright #1 assuming instead of
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  asking. You think you know what they
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  think or what they meant, but you never confirm it.
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  You are welcome #2 reacting emotionally instantly.
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  No pause, no processing, just reaction.
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  Have you seen that? I know all of you have been
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  through that #3 this is the good one.
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  Silent treatment. A man will like this silent
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  treatment a lot for sure. Avoiding communication does not
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  solve any problems. It basically delays and
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  multiplies them. And you might have observed that
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  after being a delayed for a very long time, the problem is
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  multiplies. It does not get solved #4 trying
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  to win an argument if one person wins anyone, thing is, the
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  relationship is gone because it is not about winning or losing.
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  It is more about communicating and understanding each other in
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  a better form. But that would not do that.
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  So if you are in this kind of a relationship where constantly
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  these things I have just said or the core things in your
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  relationship, then you will know right away that you have a
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  problem for sure. Let us move on to that.
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  This is basically self-explanatory kind of an
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  episode. I am not going to deep down and
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  explain each and everything because you already know you are
• 6:09
  more experienced enough. So I will just give you the
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  basic point. If you are in a relationship and
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  these points match something in your relationships, then you
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  know there is a problem. That is all you need to
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  understand and you need to improve your communication in a
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  better way #3 what will be the pillars of healthy
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  communication? Let us simplify this into
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  something very practical. All right #1 clarity #2
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  Emotional control #3 active listening #4 the most critical 1
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  timing. You did all three correct, but
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  the timing is wrong. You are so screwed.
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  So clarity. What do I mean by clarity?
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  Say what you actually feel. Not hints, not sarcasm, not
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  using the passive aggressive thing.
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  No clear, crisp, straightforward, clear clarity.
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  Maintain it. Emotional control #2 You can be
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  honest without being harsh or you do not need to criticize
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  other people. You can put a different kind of
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  words that brings the same meaning without hurting the
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  other person. Key point, tone matters and all
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  more than just words. I know you got it.
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  I will give an example. For example, how are you tone?
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  How are you tone? Same words don't changes
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  everything. I know you got it #3 active
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  listening. Don't just listen to reply, try
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  to understand. Repeat back if needed.
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  So you felt this way right? Just give a follow up questions
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  and ask. I know most people won't do
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  that. That is why you welcome the
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  problems. You want more problems?
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  Do whatever you are doing. You want solutions?
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  Just follow what I am trying to tell you.
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  You are welcome, by the way #4 the most important one.
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  Keep in mind this is the most important one, Timing.
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  Not every movement is the right movement, by the way.
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  People understand that important conversations need a right time
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  and right space. We have that in a wrong timing
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  and wrong. It is gone.
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  It is gone. That is it.
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  It is gone. So yeah, I hope you understood.
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  Keep that in mind. If you do not, you will suffer
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  inevitably. Let us move on to the segment 4.
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  Real talk why communication fails.
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  Oh right, here is the uncomfortable truth.
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  Most people don't want to or never thought or never known how
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  to communicate properly. It's a real issue.
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  By the way, most people don't know how to communicate.
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  They grew up seeing their parents just shouting or
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  avoiding the conversation using passive aggressive things.
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  So they basically carry the same patterns thinking that is the
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  right way to talk and they bring that to their relationships,
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  marriage, whatever you call it and the same thing copy pasted
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  from their parents and guess what problems still exist.
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  You are screwed again. So basically they carry those
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  patterns into relationships and then they say we are just not
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  compatible. It's funny, isn't it?
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  Yeah. Now the problem here is they
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  just never learnt how to communicate properly what they
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  want, what they need, what they are expecting.
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  They don't have that clarity. First of all, most people don't
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  have clarity to begin with. They have like thing something
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  called like they think they want something like this, but in
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  reality they want something else that they don't know and they
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  failed to know that. So they failed to inevitably
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  failed at communicating to their partner.
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  That's when most relationships marriages go sideways.
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  You are welcome. How to actually improve You all
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  want to know right? Simple shifts that changes
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  basically everything. Every now and then just take a
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  pause before responding. Just pause series, pause and
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  then ask instead. That is my theory by the way.
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  Compound meaning do not mind that.
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  Ask instead of assuming, ask. Ask.
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  Speak from your feelings, not accusations, from what you feel.
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  Be OK with the most uncomfortable conversations.
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  And most importantly, stop trying to be right all the time.
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  People relax. You are human being too.
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  Your partner too. So here the piece is more
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  valuable than your egos. The moment you keep all your
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  egos aside, a relationship can sustain.
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  It's not that hard. The moment ego wins everything
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  you lose, both of them will lose.
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  So I hope you got a very valuable lesson here.
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  I just don't want to go deep dive into each things because
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  most of the things people already grasp it because they
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  are very smart these days. I know you people grasp it like
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  boom boom boom. Because if you simply follow all
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  these things in your life to make your life better and more
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  peaceful, these things will definitely work for sure.
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  But you need to have extra patience, listening skills.
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  These are mandatory by the way. So whether you like it or not,
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  that's the truth. At the end of the day, a strong
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  relationship is not built on perfect moments, it's built on
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  how you handle imperfect moments.
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  Communication is basically not just talking, it's how you
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  protect the connection. So next time you are in a
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  conversation, ask yourself, am I trying to understand or am I
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  trying to win? Then you will get the answer
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  right away and let me know what kind of stage you are in, you
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  are in right now in your relationship.
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  I would love to hear from you one way or another, right?
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  Because these are crazy things I would like to have to.
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  I would like to give you some real life stories which I have
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  heard from so many colleagues, but they are not comfortable
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  their story going out in the public at the moment.
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  So it is OK. You already have your own
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  stories so you can correlate I guess.
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  Yeah, I know. Now people are like no, no, no,
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  no, I do not have any. I do not have any stories.
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  I am so OK, OK, OK. Stop right there.
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  Good acting. Good acting.
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  You know, You know what you know, So you just self evaluate
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  and understand it. I think that's much better.
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  Thank you so much for listening. This is Doctor Mukunda Rodak and
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  I will see you in the next one. Bye.