Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #457 It’s Time to Have the Talk... You Know, That One

Transcript

#457 It’s Time to Have the Talk... You Know, That One · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 3: Now, the kids are hearing things, they're seeing things, and
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  Speaker 3: they really rely on us to give them great information
• 0:15
  Speaker 3: and to talk about this in a helpful way.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: All right, okay, before we start today's podcasts. Well, this
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: is not one of those sponsored moments. This is a
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  Speaker 3: legitimate we're talking to parents right now before we get
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  Speaker 3: into today's podcast.
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  Speaker 1: At trigger warning, I don't know trigger warning is the
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  Speaker 1: right word.
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  Speaker 3: Maybe just a sensitive content warning that might be better.
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  Speaker 3: This podcast is not rated explicit, but we are going
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  Speaker 3: to be talking about a lot of themes in today's
• 0:43
  Speaker 3: podcast that would be what parent discretion might be advised.
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: If you normally listen to this podcast in the car
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: with the kids on the way to school, and they're
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: listening right now, I'm going to guess that you're gonna
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: have a lot to talk about after this podcast. You
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  Speaker 3: might want to press pause and wait till the kids
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  Speaker 3: are out of the car before you listen to the
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: rest of it.
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  Speaker 1: But you don't have to.
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  Speaker 3: We're just we're just letting you know, parent discretion advice.
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  Speaker 3: We're going to be talking about salt and pepper saying
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  Speaker 3: about it.
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  Speaker 2: So this is a bit of a hot topic because
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  Speaker 2: I don't know too many parents who feel comfortable having
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  Speaker 2: conversations about sex with their kids.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I kind of feel like we're becoming the
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  Speaker 3: sex parents. And I'm a bit uncomfortable even saying that,
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  Speaker 3: because that's that that could promote all of the wrong things.
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: But you'll understand what we mean in just a sec.
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  Speaker 3: By the way, I'm justin and I'm here with Kylie,
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  Speaker 3: my wife up to our six kids on the founder
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  Speaker 3: of happy Families dot com dot i U. We have
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  Speaker 3: been getting a number of messages over the last couple
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  Speaker 3: of months as we talk about our sex conversations that
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  Speaker 3: we have with our kids. The email is podcasts at
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  Speaker 3: happy families dot com dot AU, and basically people are saying,
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: how do you do this? Like, what's the deal? Why?
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  Speaker 3: How where do I start? That's the general gist of
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  Speaker 3: the the emails. Not going to read any of them
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  Speaker 3: out it in particular, but has been quite a number,
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  Speaker 3: so Kylie I thought we should explain it. Yesterday was
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: the first Sunday of the month. And every first Sunday
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  Speaker 3: of the month, we sit down with the kids and
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  Speaker 3: we literally have a conversation with them about all things intimacy.
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  Speaker 2: You know, we haven't always done it on the first
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  Speaker 2: Sunday of the month. Over the years, we've obviously had
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  Speaker 2: conversations that are age appropriate for our children, as we've
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: introduced intimacy and sex in particular, and where babies come from.
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  Speaker 2: All of those kinds of conversations we've had over the
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  Speaker 2: course of their childhood, right so that now as teenagers,
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  Speaker 2: we're actually able to get into a lot more I
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  Speaker 2: guess of the intimate details around physical intimacy.
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  Speaker 3: Well, you're going to say the ins and outs there,
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  Speaker 3: and I was going to say, is that really appropriate?
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  Speaker 1: But you didn't.
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  Speaker 3: And now I'm so sorry I just went there. I
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: can't believe I did that. I'm so sorry.
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  Speaker 2: Well, obviously everybody now knows who runs these conversations seriously.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, all right, fine, fine.
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  Speaker 3: What's interesting though, is, even though we've had regular conversations
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: with our kids over the years, now that we've started
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  Speaker 3: doing this every month as of this year, it's interesting
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  Speaker 3: how they don't remember us talking to them about a
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  Speaker 3: lot of the stuff that we're now talking about. Like,
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  Speaker 3: our soon to be twelve year old doesn't remember us
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  Speaker 3: having any conversations about intimacy at all, even though we've
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: had at least three really solid conversations with her about
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  Speaker 3: she scammed yeah big time, and yet no recollection.
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  Speaker 1: Just can't remember talking about it all. This is all
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  Speaker 1: news to her.
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  Speaker 3: So we're going to open up the Coulson Family living
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  Speaker 3: room today and share a couple of ideas that might
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  Speaker 3: be helpful so that you can have really valuable conversations
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  Speaker 3: with your kids about issues of intimacy to keep them safe.
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  Speaker 3: The first thing is that, as uncomfortable as it can
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  Speaker 3: be for some parents, once you get started, it's amazingly
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  Speaker 3: easy to be really open.
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  Speaker 1: It's just starting.
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  Speaker 3: It's kind of like that three seconds of courage to
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  Speaker 3: run and jump off the high diving board. You just
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  Speaker 3: got to make the commitment and dive in, and once
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  Speaker 3: you're in the air, you're flying.
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  Speaker 2: I think sometimes as parents we kind of we're concerned
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  Speaker 2: about sharing too much or not enough, or not having
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  Speaker 2: the right words to kind of put into context for children.
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  Speaker 2: And I think the most important thing that we've leaned
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  Speaker 2: on is the fact that with their parents we absolutely
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  Speaker 2: love and adore them and want the very best for them,
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  Speaker 2: and so therefore we've got the best motives in the
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  Speaker 2: kinds of conversations and the content that we're sharing with them.
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  Speaker 2: And as a result, because we believe that this is
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  Speaker 2: such an important dialogue to be having with our kids,
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  Speaker 2: it's easy to have it.
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  Speaker 1: I love the way you said that.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And the kids respond when they see the confidence
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  Speaker 2: with which we're able to speak about it and our
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: encouragement to ask the questions even though it feels weird
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  Speaker 2: and funny to be talking to mom and dad about
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: these things. Because we have confidence in our ability to
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  Speaker 2: talk to them and we feel so passionately about the
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: importance of positive intimate relationships, they have a confidence in
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  Speaker 2: asking the questions.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm so glad you said that. Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: The reality is, you, as a parent, know more than
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  Speaker 3: your kids. Even if they've been exposed to all sorts
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  Speaker 3: of explicit content online, they don't know what you know.
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  Speaker 1: As a parent.
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  Speaker 3: You've got years and years and years of experience with
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  Speaker 3: the actual engagement with physical intimacy. In most cases, Whereas
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  Speaker 3: even if kids have been viewing explicit content, if they've
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  Speaker 3: been viewing pornography that doesn't necessarily mean that they have
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  Speaker 3: any experience, doesn't actually translate to knowledge.
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  Speaker 1: They've just seen stuff.
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  Speaker 3: I remember somebody recently I was talking to oh I
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  Speaker 3: was having a conversation with me of Friedman, and she said,
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  Speaker 3: kids who watch explicit content online pornography and then think
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  Speaker 3: that's what you do. It's kind of like watching formula
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  Speaker 3: on racing and then thinking that's how you drive a car. Totally,
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  Speaker 3: totally not right. Now, there's a couple of problems with
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: that analogy, but suitable for this discussion. So basically, we
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  Speaker 3: let the kids ahead of time. Hey guys, this Sunday,
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: it's the first Sunday of the month. Got three or
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: four days to get ready for it. We're going to
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  Speaker 3: be having our family conversation about sex and intimacy. It's
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  Speaker 3: going to be at this time of the day and
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: we're going to talk about and then we tell them
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  Speaker 3: what the topic is. It might be a general conversation
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  Speaker 3: about sex. It might be about pornography. It could be
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  Speaker 3: about what you might call quote unquote divergent sexual activities,
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  Speaker 3: things that are not the norm.
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  Speaker 1: It could be.
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  Speaker 3: About whatever you want. It could just be about emotional intimacy.
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  Speaker 3: It could be about how our bodies.
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  Speaker 1: Function, how our bodies respond, how our bodies respond exactly.
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  Speaker 3: And so when the kids know that that's happening, we
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  Speaker 3: encourage them to come with their questions, to show up
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  Speaker 3: and ask. They rarely do ask questions, but like you said,
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  Speaker 3: they feel confident asking because we're confident having the conversation
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  Speaker 3: and they know that we're probably going to be able
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: to give them a better answer that they would find
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  Speaker 3: anywhere else. I should also mention the reason that we
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  Speaker 3: do this. I talk to far too many parents, far
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: too many kids, far too many teachers, far too many
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  Speaker 3: people across the psychological and child welfare spectrum who tell
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  Speaker 3: me story after story after story of the pain that's
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  Speaker 3: inflicted on both girls and boys when they make unsafe
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  Speaker 3: or unhealthy decisions around sexual intimacy. And when you hear
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  Speaker 3: the stories about maybe the girl who hates herself and
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  Speaker 3: her body and feels like she's the problem because because
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  Speaker 3: she was in a situation where a boy has hurt her.
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  Speaker 1: You hear those stories as parents have daughters, were like,
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  Speaker 1: we need.
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  Speaker 3: To protect, we need to talk, We need to have
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  Speaker 3: these conversations to help them to guide themselves. Well, so
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  Speaker 3: that's why we're doing it. After the break, we're going
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: to talk about specifics around what we talk about, how
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  Speaker 3: we bring the conversations up, and where the conversations can
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  Speaker 3: go so that you can have these productive and effective
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  Speaker 3: conversations with your kids.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 7:54
  Speaker 4: Are Screens Creating Tension at Home? Betweens? Teens and Screens?
• 7:59
  Speaker 4: Is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
• 8:03
  Speaker 4: Bye today at happy families dot com dot are you
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: slash shop?
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers? Now, what are other
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: things that we focus on when we're speaking with our kids.
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  Speaker 3: Well, we've only done this once, but I think we
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  Speaker 3: need to do it more. Snacks are great.
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  Speaker 2: It takes the edge of it for everyone, doesn't it. It
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  Speaker 2: just kind of makes it a little bit more cash.
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  Speaker 1: No, No, we don't drink alcohol.
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  Speaker 3: But when you say takes the edge off, it's amazing
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  Speaker 3: what a chocolate milkhake will do to take the edge
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  Speaker 3: off when it covers to a conversation. Well, at least
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  Speaker 3: they show up, right, that's exactly right. So, but we
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: make a day. They know that it's the first Sunday
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  Speaker 3: of every month. We make sure and we're going to
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: do better at this that there are snacks or something
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  Speaker 3: to just make it a little bit more enjoyable, Like
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  Speaker 3: we're not sitting down to have this intense, crazy heavy discussion.
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  Speaker 1: I've already mentioned. We pick a topic and we prep
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  Speaker 1: the kids. You know what else we do.
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  Speaker 3: I've noticed every single time we've had these conversations, we
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: really emphasize the.
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  Speaker 1: Positive aspects of sex and intimacy.
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  Speaker 3: We talk about how great it is and how healthy
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  Speaker 3: it is, and how wonderful it is with the right conditions.
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  Speaker 3: So Aristotle once spoke about anger and said, anyone can
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: be angry, but to be angry to the right degree,
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  Speaker 3: for the right reason, at the right person, et cetera,
• 9:21
  Speaker 3: et cetera, that takes real skill. And I think that
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  Speaker 3: it's the same message that we want to give our kids.
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  Speaker 3: Anyone can be sexually intimate, but to be sexually intimate
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  Speaker 3: with the right person at the right time, to the
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  Speaker 3: right degree, for the right reasons, that takes a lot
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  Speaker 3: of skill. It takes a lot of intention, a lot
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  Speaker 3: of thought, And I really I think that what we've
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  Speaker 3: really worked hard on is getting that intentionality right and
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  Speaker 3: sharing a sex positive message rather than scaring the kids
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  Speaker 3: and saying this is terrible and this is what happens,
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  Speaker 3: and if you do the wrong thing, you're going to
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  Speaker 3: end up pregnant or you're going to end up diseased
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: or whatever. We really maintain a positive focus.
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  Speaker 2: I remember being a young mom and watch the movie
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, what a great movie, Such a.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: Great movie, but it has stuck with me because one
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: of the young girls in there, she thought she was
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  Speaker 2: in love with this guy and decided that she was
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: going to give herself to him and that it was
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: going to, you know, be this transformational moment in her life.
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  Speaker 2: And once the event was over, she kind of came
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: away and just felt like.
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  Speaker 1: She was so lost.
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  Speaker 2: She thought that this was going to prove that she
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: was a big person, that she was an adult, that
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: she'd kind of matured enough to be her own person,
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: and yet what she actually felt like was that he'd
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: taken from her.
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  Speaker 3: I'm so glad you said that, and I reckon, we
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: should talk about this on our next Sunday, like our
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: next first Sunday of the month. For what is it
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: for April? Because when I was talking to Mia, that
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: was the conversation we had. We didn't talk about Sisterhood
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: of the Traveling Pants, but she said when she was
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: raising her boys, she made sure that she made or
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: she still got a thirteen year old boy at the moment,
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: but she said, and I just love this. She said,
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: sex is not something that you take. It's something that
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: you give. And if you whether you're a boy or
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: a girl, if you're engaging in this relationship so that
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: you can take something, then you're doing it the wrong way.
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  Speaker 2: I think the main thing to remember as a parent,
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  Speaker 2: especially if this is the first time, Yes, just start right,
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  Speaker 2: Just start having a conversation.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, really really important too, because so many parents will
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: say I just don't know what to say, and so
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: you say, well, I'm not really sure what to say,
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: Like you could literally say that to your kids. If
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: you or my daughter, I'd say, Kylie, I'm not really
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: sure what to say. But I want to have a
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: conversation with you about intimacy and I want to tell
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: you how great it is, but I also want to
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: tell you how it can be used the wrong way.
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  Speaker 1: And we want to help you to be safe.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: What are you seeing in the playground? Yeah, and it's
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: a really simple thing because they'll have friends. If they're
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: not doing it, they'll have friends and they'll be seeing
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  Speaker 2: the dynamic that's playing out in the playground as a result.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, what an important thing.
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: The kids are hearing things, they're seeing things, and they
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: really rely on us to give them great information and
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: to talk about this in a helpful way.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: How we talk or we feel about things actually guides
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: them in their process.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: Oh.
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: Yes, yes, and if we've got an open, comfortable stance
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: where we're regularly checking in and giving them the opportunity
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: to have these conversations.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: You're so right. The way we talk to them is
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: so important.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: The only other thing that I would add to this
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: is in the conversations that we have with our children
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: around consent. And that's a huge part of I'm going
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: to say, judy as a parent, to help our children
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: understand what it actually means to be consensual.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: I can say yes to full on passion you and
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: making out with you, but that doesn't mean that I'm
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: saying yes to you know, groping or getting undressed or.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: Anything that comes after that.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And our children, and I'm calling them children because
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: we're they're seventeen or nineteen or there's two.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: Three, they're my children.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they need to understand that they're not saying yes
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: to everything, and they get to make their mind up
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: as they go along, and they have the right to
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: change their mind at any point if they feel uncomfortable.
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  Speaker 3: Well, we have done a podcast previously about consent, but
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: maybe in the next couple of months we might have
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: a conversation like that with our kids again, and we'll
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: report back on the podcast and give everyone some ideas
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: around that. We really hope that today's podcast has been helpful.
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: I know that I've really appreciated what you've said, Kylie.
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: I think that there's been some really really important points made.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: We're always grateful to Justin roll On and Craig Bruce.
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: They're the guys that make the podcast sound as good
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: as it does and give us the guidance to help
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: it to reach more people in more effective ways. Thank
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: you for listening to the Happy Families podcast. If you'd
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: like more information about making your family happier, you can
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: find it on our Facebook page Doctor Justin Coulston's Happy Families.
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: Oh and if you work in a school, or if
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: you'd like your school to have me run a session
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: on sex consent and staying safe. You can get all
• 14:03
  Speaker 3: the information about that and get in touch at happy
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: families dot com, dot i u