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S2E36 - Power Struggles & Choice Giving: What to Do When a Child Says "Nothing" · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I am answering a question from Anne in Germany.
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  So,
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  hello to all of my German listeners.
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  Thank you for hanging out with me.
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  My
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  mom and dad's side both have German ancestry,
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  so
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  I can very poorly speak a little bit of German,
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  but
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  I won't embarrass myself doing it on air.
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  So anyway,
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  thanks for hanging out with me all the way on the other side of the world and,
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  and thank you for the question.
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  So,
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  This is actually a little bit of
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  a celebration moment and a win as well as a question.
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  So I'm gonna read parts of her email
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  and we'll dive in.
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  This is about when her daughter
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  chooses not to choose.
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  So that's a really helpful question and thank you so much for,
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  for emailing in.
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  OK,
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  so I'm gonna read parts of the podcast and then we'll process this together.
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  I found your podcast 2.5 years ago.
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  wow,
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  you've been listening for a long time,
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  and I'm excited about that.
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  I always thought that consequences are not allowed in the new parenting styles,
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  and I thought that my 6 year old son couldn't regulate,
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  but he can.
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  He is so much calmer with choice giving and limit setting,
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  and he is now responsible for his own regulation,
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  and I am not such a game changer.
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  Yes,
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  absolutely.
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  I'm so glad that you found that helpful.
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  OK,
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  so on to the question.
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  My daughter,
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  who is 3,
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  responded well on choice giving and limit setting in the past,
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  but we have problems with limit setting since the last few weeks.
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  When we set the limit and tell her the choice and the consequence,
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  she just says nothing.
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  So she doesn't choose any of the given choices.
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  We then repeat it,
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  but she just blocks by repeating nothing again and again.
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  She started old behavior again like whining and being clingy,
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  and I have the feeling that she needs the boundaries and limits
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  and lost the orientation that they give her.
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  How can we react?
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  Thank you so much.
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  All right,
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  so
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  let's start with a couple of just big picture things.
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  First and foremost,
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  she's 3.
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  And there's a huge development surge around the age of 3,
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  so I suspect this is truly just an age appropriate shift in cognitive capacity.
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  So as she starts to be able to think more
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  and also around the 3 year development mark,
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  they also start to want more independence.
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  So this is why we will see
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  children around that age start to say no to things.
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  And while why they start to
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  ask why and think more because their brain actually has the capacity to do so.
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  So I think that this is actually a normal part of childhood and it's age appropriate.
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  However,
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  we also know that when we provide choices.
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  If it is an empowerment choice,
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  it is just for the sake of choices.
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  So you can choose to have an apple or you can choose to have an orange for lunch,
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  which do you choose?
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  So that is an empowerment choice solely for the purpose
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  of giving the child an opportunity to have some control.
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  An enforcement choice,
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  on the other hand,
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  is tied to a limit.
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  And it sounds as though maybe this is
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  maybe happening in both scenarios.
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  I'm not sure.
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  You didn't give me a specific,
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  oh yes,
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  you did.
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  You said when we set the limit.
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  OK,
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  so that means that this is an enforcement choice scenario.
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  So once a limit has been set
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  and we provide the choices,
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  if she says nothing,
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  here's the beauty of limit setting and enforcement choices,
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  y'all.
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  Nothing
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  is also a choice.
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  So if you say you can choose A or you can choose B and she says nothing.
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  You're going to very calmly say,
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  hm
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  you are choosing not to say A or B,
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  but that's not part of the choice.
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  The choices are
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  A
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  or B,
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  which do you choose?
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  Nothing.
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  Oh,
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  you don't like either one of those choices,
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  but that's not part of the choice to say nothing.
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  The choices are
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  you can choose A or you can choose B,
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  which do you choose?
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  And similarly,
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  when we do limit setting and then have to move into ultimate limits,
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  we're going to do it 3 times.
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  So you're going to remind her that that's not part of the choice,
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  that's your phrase,
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  mm
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  choosing nothing is not part of the choice.
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  But here's what we need to understand as parents with cognitive capacity.
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  That is in fact a choice.
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  Choosing nothing is a choice.
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  Now,
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  we don't necessarily need to say that to her,
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  but that informs the way that we respond moving forward.
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  Because if after 3 rounds,
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  She is still,
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  as you say,
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  blocking,
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  repeating nothing again and again.
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  Then we move to ultimate limit
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  on choosing,
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  which is a little bit different than the standard ultimate limit.
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  So in this case,
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  it's
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  daughter's name.
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  If you choose not to choose,
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  you choose for me to choose for you.
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  Which do you choose?
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  So at that point we are making it very clear that she is choosing not to choose
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  by saying nothing.
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  And if she chooses not to choose,
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  then she is choosing for you to choose.
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  And often
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  what we choose is not necessarily what the child would have chosen.
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  So almost always that gives pause,
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  and the child is like,
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  oh,
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  do I really want mom or dad or whomever to be the one
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  that makes this decision for me?
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  Often that will help the child choose.
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  However,
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  if she still says nothing.
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  Then you very calmly,
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  very rationally,
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  very factually
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  say.
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  Daughter's name,
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  you've chosen not to choose,
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  so you've chosen for me to choose either A or B,
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  whichever
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  you choose.
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  And
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  if it just so happens that
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  you chose A and she would have chosen A,
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  that might not be a huge moment of this regulation or upheaval.
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  If you choose A and she would have chosen B.
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  One of two things is likely to happen.
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  She's either going to
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  really get upset.
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  No,
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  no,
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  no,
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  no,
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  no,
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  I choose the other one.
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  I choose the other one.
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  No,
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  no,
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  no,
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  no.
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  Or
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  She's going to
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  backpedal and say,
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  no,
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  never mind.
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  So she's gonna get really disregulated and upset.
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  And hope that that will get her way,
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  or she's going to then at that point choose to choose.
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  And here's your favorite phrase,
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  daughter's name?
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  You're disappointed
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  that you chose for me to choose for you.
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  But the very moment that you chose not to make the choice,
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  it was at that very moment that you chose for me to choose for you.
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  And yes,
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  you have to say choose and choice and chose a lot,
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  and that's on purpose.
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  So just rehearse that in the shower or in the mirror or when you're driving or
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  whatever you're doing that where you can
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  just focus your brain on practicing something.
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  Work through those phrases over and over and
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  over again till they become muscle memory.
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  Because here's what we're trying to teach your daughter,
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  Anne.
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  We're trying to help her understand.
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  Choices have consequences.
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  And the very moment that a choice is made,
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  there is a consequence tied to it.
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  This helps develop self-control.
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  This helps develop self-regulation.
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  This helps develop ownership
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  and responsibility.
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  So when she about faces and says,
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  no,
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  no,
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  no,
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  I choose whatever or she loses it in either scenario,
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  you reflect,
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  hm
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  you really wish that you would have chosen,
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  but you chose for me to choose for you
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  when you chose not to choose.
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  That is a very powerful lesson
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  in the immediacy
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  of choices
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  and how there's a ripple effect
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  to whatever decision is made.
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  And that's ultimately what we're trying to help children build
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  is self-control,
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  self regulation,
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  self-awareness.
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  And that actions have consequences.
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  That's a very powerful lesson.
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  And here's what will happen,
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  Anne,
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  and all of you that are likely going to find yourself in this situation.
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  This happens all the time in play sessions,
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  by the way.
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  What will inevitably happen is,
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  Your daughter will choose only once or maybe twice
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  not to choose.
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  And she will very quickly realize it's not worth it.
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  And she will very quickly realize that she does not want you to choose.
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  So she will start choosing
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  because
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  the danger of you choosing is too great.
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  And that's inevitably what children are gaining.
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  I do have control over this.
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  I do have some power in this situation.
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  So I'm going to choose to take it,
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  so that I am happier with the outcome.
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  And that's how kids learn
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  that.
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  The future is tied to the current moment.
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  Anne from Germany,
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  thank you so much for the email,
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  and I hope that's helpful to each and every one of you.
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  We inevitably have power struggles with our children,
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  even when we're trying to provide them with power.
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  There's the irony by giving a child a choice,
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  you're actually giving them a sense of control and power,
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  but sometimes they will still power struggle through it.
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  So when they say,
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  no,
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  neither.
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  I'm not,
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  I'm,
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  I'm not picking either one of those.
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  No.
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  No,
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  I'm not choosing whatever the battle is.
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  You know,
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  it's a battle of the wills.
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  That's OK.
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  We can outlast them.
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  And so you remain calm,
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  you remain adherent to CCPT principles,
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  you use choices,
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  you use limit setting,
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  and the goal is
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  that they are very clearly aware.
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  That what they choose is tied to what's to come.
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  And it will only happen once or twice before they say,
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  oh,
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  no,
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  no,
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  I don't want that to happen again,
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  and they will start choosing.
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  All right,
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  if you'd like to reach out to me to say hello,
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  to have me answer one of your questions,
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  to post something that's going on in your parenting,
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  I'd love to hear from you brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
• 10:23
  Brenna with two Ns,
• 10:24
  singular kid,
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  brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  If you're in the states,
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  you can also leave a voicemail for me to answer a question at 813-812-5525.
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  Thanks so much for hanging out with me each week.
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  I really appreciate y'all.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
• 10:40
  Thank you for listening to
• 10:41
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 10:49
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.