Latest / The Original Self Podcast / You Cry, I Cry: What Women Facing Cancer Taught me About Presence

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You Cry, I Cry: What Women Facing Cancer Taught me About Presence · The Original Self Podcast

0:00
My sister -in -law is sitting in my chair. Her
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kids, my niece who's 16, my nephew who's 11 at
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the time are standing behind her just watching.
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She's joking around but I can tell that she's
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very nervous because her shoulders are up, her
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eyes look a little too wide and It's because
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she doesn't want to lose her beautiful long thick
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curly hair. I Ask her do you want me to do it?
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Do you want to do this yourself? Or do you want
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the kids to help? She says no she doesn't want
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to shave her head herself But looks over at the
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kids and says do you want to participate? My
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niece says okay, and my nephew just shook his
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head no When I have to shave someone's head,
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I never shave it bald in one pass. It's too shocking.
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It's shocking for the client and for whoever
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else is in the room. So we start very slowly.
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I turn the clippers on, they're buzzing in my
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hand, and I put the clipper to the back of her
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neck. I ask her if she's ready. She nods and
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that's where we started. Hey everyone, it's Evet.
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Today I would like to discuss the benefit of
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presence. How we show up for each other really
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matters. I've worked with a lot of cancer patients
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over the years. It started when I was 18. My
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mom and I volunteered for the American Cancer
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Society's Look Good, Feel Better program. This
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was a program that women... could come to at
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no cost, no charge, and they could get their
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wig styled or shown how to put on a wig. And
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if they didn't want to wear a wig showed different
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ways we would show them different ways on how
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to tie a scarf. And then they could also get
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their makeup done. And at 18. watching these
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women with no eyebrows, no eyelashes, let alone
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completely bald and they would divulge that they
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completely miss their hair and miss putting on
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mascara and makeup and their eyes were tearing
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all the time and they were so exhausted yet they
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would look in the mirror and see someone that
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didn't look like themselves. And so our job was
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to make them feel just a tiny bit more like themselves
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but also just listen. Be present. camaraderie
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between women. It was very difficult for me,
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I'm not gonna lie. It was a real education because
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I was watching what this chemotherapy treatment
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did to their bodies and it was like they were
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being taken apart and had no control over it.
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And so the first couple sessions I walked out
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because I was crying. And I kept thinking, well,
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it's not about you. Like, don't cry. You know,
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don't show that emotion. And I realized after
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volunteering a few more times that what's wrong
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with that? As long as I could get it together
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and say, hey, let's let's do let's try something.
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Let's try to make you feel a little bit more
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like yourself. Let's see what we can do. So as
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I volunteered a little bit more, it became not
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easier, but it became about being present. There's
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something psychologically real that goes on in
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the room when this is happening. I think naming
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it is worth doing because it explains why that
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moment hits as hard as it does. It's called anticipatory
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grief. It's like grieving a loss before it's
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fully happened. My sister -in -law wasn't just
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losing her hair in that chair. She was rehearsing
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a much bigger loss. A loss of normalcy, of control,
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maybe of certainty of what's to come next. Shaving
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the head as a ritual on her terms. let some of
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that grief happen in a way that she could actually
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be present for, instead of ambushing her later
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in the shower or alone watching it all fall out
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by herself. And the way we did it, the crop,
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then the sides, then the mohawk, then the final
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shave, wasn't just me being gentle. It's actually
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an anthropological structure called the rite
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of passage. It's a separation, threshold, and
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return. Every culture that's figured out how
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to help people through hard transitions use some
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version of a three -part structure. Because going
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through a threshold in stages is genuinely easier
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for the human mind to process. than just being
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shoved into it all at once. That mohawk stage
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where we all laughed, that was the threshold.
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That's where the room could basically exhale
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for a second before the final part. So the second
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part to that is the return. And in this scenario,
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it's when the hair returns. Hair almost always
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grows back after treatment. That's the part people
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really expect. What they don't expect is how
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much joy there is when it starts to come back
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in. And right alongside that joy is how much
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impatience that goes along with it. It never
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grows back fast enough. It never fills in the
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way people remember their hair previously looked.
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And a lot of times, it doesn't come back the
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same. People that had straight hair now have
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curly hair. People that had dark hair all of
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a sudden now have very gray hair. I've sat with
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a lot of clients while they looked in the mirror
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and tried to recognize themselves in hair that
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wasn't quite theirs anymore. One of my clients
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that had to go through treatment had naturally
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red hair her entire life. When her hair grew
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back after treatment, it came in brown, just
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plain old brown. That's what she would call it.
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We waited almost a year just to see if it would
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return to its former color. It didn't. So we
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colored it back to red. It was her natural red,
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just a little bit enhanced. When we finished
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that first color appointment, She just started
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crying in the chair. Remember, you cry, I cry.
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She said that she finally felt like herself again.
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That's the return. My sassy redhead client experienced
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something different than my sister -in -law.
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She experienced disenfranchised grief, which
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is grief that isn't socially recognized as real
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grief. Like, no one sends a card because your
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hair grew back the wrong color. Like, oh, we're
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so sorry. Nobody tells you that it's really allowed
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to feel like a loss. But imagine, it's very real
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to her. Her identity, she knew herself as a redhead.
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It took her almost a year to even let herself
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name something worth grieving. before she could
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decide to do anything about it. It wasn't just
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me saying to wait. She was like, well, let's
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wait. Maybe, you know, maybe it'll grow in red.
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Underneath all of that is something that I just
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mentioned. Identity. It's called identity continuity.
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It's the need to feel like I'm still me across
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any changes you come upon. The mirror is One
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of the main ways we confirm that to ourselves,
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right? Look in the mirror, there's me. It wasn't
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vanity when her reflection stopped matching who
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she'd always known herself to be. It was a real
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disruption of sense of self. Coloring her hair
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back, it wasn't so much about looking pretty.
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It was about closing that gap in how she looked
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and who she knew herself to be. Looking back
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on both of these experiences, the shave and the
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redheads you're avoiding, I didn't actually fix
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anything for either woman, obviously. I didn't
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stop my sister -in -law's hair from falling out,
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and I didn't restore my other client's natural
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color biologically. What I did in both cases
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was to help two women stay connected. to who
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they were through something neither of them could
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control. That's different from what I thought
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this job was when I was 18. Back then, I think
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I was fear -based. Not only did I want to make
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people feel better, but some of me wanted to
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fix it, or at least perform to fix it. I don't
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do that anymore. I'm not the person who tells
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someone, you're going to beat this. I don't give
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false hope because I have no idea. I'm not a
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doctor. I don't know. What I can do is cry with
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them. I can hold their hands. I can hug them.
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I can tell them I'm here to listen. And that
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doesn't stop when they leave my chair. It means
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texting and phone check -ins before, during,
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and after treatment. Mostly I listen and gently
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ask what they're thinking. What's actually going
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on in your mind? Sometimes they can tell me,
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sometimes they can't. When time has passed, after
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they finish their treatments, I always ask the
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same question. How are you thinking about your
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life differently now that you're on the other
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side of it? I always get very interesting answers,
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but they usually contain the word presence. They
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talk about presence of people that were there
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with them, that showed up for them in various
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ways. I think that's the real thread between
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shaving my sister -in -law's hair and my redhead
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story. Neither one of them needed me to have
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an answer, or anyone else for that matter. They
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needed someone to stay present while they found
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their own way through. My client said it better
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than I ever could. She said, I feel like myself
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again. Unfortunately, not every story ends that
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way. My sister -in -law's hair grew back more
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than once. and fell out many more times. She
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never got the chance to find her way back to
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the image of herself before any of it started,
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that return. That day in the chair, the mohawk,
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the laughing, my niece doing one side, me doing
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the other, and all the tears at the end, that
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wasn't the moment she made peace with any of
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it. What came after was four years of a road
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with real hope, real denial, and real disappointment
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all tangled together. So I'm not trying to say
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that presence fixes that timeline. It doesn't
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guarantee that things get better or that they
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improve when you want them to. On the rare occasion,
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they don't get better. That's the reality of
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the big C. My sister -in -law didn't move through
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that threshold in that afternoon. She lived there
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for years. There were moments where we've all
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thought that things were turning around and moments
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when they weren't. I used to think that day in
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the salon was the hardest part. It definitely
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wasn't. I think it was just the day that we simply
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realized that everything and what she knew of
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life, what we knew of her life and in it was
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the change. Sometimes the middle part, the threshold
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is the whole thing. You know, someone can live
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in that in -between place, no longer who they
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were, but not yet at peace at who they've become
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for years. Her sense of I'm still me didn't return
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because life returned to normal. It returned
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because she slowly learned to recognize herself
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in a very different life. Hair was never really
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the lesson. Hair was simply the place where grief
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first became visible. What people needed wasn't
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someone to make it okay. They need someone willing
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to stay with them while it isn't. Looking back
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after nearly 40 years behind this chair, I think
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that's what presence really is. It's not fixing.
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It's not rescuing. It's just refusing to leave
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someone alone in the middle of being someone
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they've never expected to have to be. My wish
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is to never shave another head because of cancer
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ever again. We all know that that's not going
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to happen. And so instead of being angry about
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it, I feel grateful that I'm chosen to be a part
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of it. And I will do my best to make it as comfortable
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as possible. and as real and loving as I possibly
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can. I'm Evet DeCota and my hope for today
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is that you walked away from this episode with
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a deeper understanding of your own identity and
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the quiet strength that presence place and can
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offer both to yourself and to the people you
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love. If you'd like to continue this conversation
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or have a different topic that resonates with
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you, You can find all my contact information
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in this episode's notes. Thank you for listening
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and I hope you have a great day.