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Reclaim Your Confidence · Is Your Way In Your Way?

0:25
Cassandra: Is Your Way in Your Way podcast.
0:27
Cassandra: And for my new listeners out there, that's actually the name of my book.
0:31
Cassandra: Is Your Way in Your Way?
0:34
Cassandra: And we talk about topics related to personal development and self-improvement.
0:41
Cassandra: And also, I was just talking to my guest before she comes on, and I was saying I have this burden.
0:47
Cassandra: My burden is to um guide and to inspire women to start living your best life on your terms.
0:58
Cassandra: And I also told her, I think my burden is my calling.
1:02
Cassandra: And I am just really in this space where I find that to be necessary for us so that when it's time for us to move on from this earth, that we have no regrets.
1:15
Cassandra: So I'm gonna ask you a question.
1:18
Cassandra: Have you ever wondered, despite all the success that you've had, that you still kind of feel like something's missing?
1:28
Cassandra: I know I have, I know I have.
1:31
Cassandra: You know how you help everybody else, but then you kind of neglect yourself.
1:36
Cassandra: And if you're stuck in this cycle of self-doubt and heartbreak or burnout, this conversation is an invitation for you.
1:46
Cassandra: And for you to stop abandoning yourself, start reclaiming your power, and rise into the woman you were truly created to be.
1:56
Cassandra: And with that, I'd like to introduce to you my guest, and her name is Terry Janae.
2:03
Cassandra: Tori Janae.
2:04
Cassandra: Hi, Tori.
2:06
Tori: Hello, Cassandra.
2:07
Tori: So great to be here.
2:08
Cassandra: Yeah, I'm glad you're here.
2:10
Cassandra: I'm really, really, really looking forward to our conversation today.
2:14
Cassandra: Before we get started, I'd like to just read a little bit of your bio so that my audience, my listeners, um get an understanding of what qualifies you to talk about what we're getting ready to talk about.
2:28
Cassandra: And the topic is creator of the reclamation method.
2:32
Cassandra: And we're gonna get we're gonna unpack that a little later.
2:36
Cassandra: Tori is a trauma-informed relationship and confidence coach, speaker, and she's a creator of this reclamation method with more than 15 years of experience in clinical psychology, energy healing, and soul-led leadership.
2:54
Cassandra: She helps high achieving women, women heal emotional wounds, reclaim their self-worth, and rise into their next level identity through her courses.
3:07
Cassandra: And she's also has a book coming out, and her speaking, she is on a mission to empower one million, you know.
3:15
Cassandra: Listen to this one million people to lead, love, and live without self-abandonment.
3:21
Cassandra: That's that's that's powerful.
3:23
Cassandra: And we were also talking, Tori and I were talking about how we both have a lot of similarities.
3:29
Cassandra: And I think I know that she's a perfect fit before for this podcast because she speaks to the same women my audience faces, you know, the things that we all go through.
3:40
Cassandra: And she her mission is helping women stop standing in their own way and start living the life they were created for.
3:48
Cassandra: So, Tori, tell us how did your backstory lead to the work that you're doing today?
3:57
Cassandra: Tell us about that.
3:59
Tori: Yeah, I love to share my backstory because it's a powerful testament to where I come from and how different, you know, how I really reclaimed the woman I was meant to be, as you said.
4:09
Tori: So I was actually, you know, today, if I sit before you, I've got multiple degrees in psychology.
4:15
Tori: I live in Beverly Hills, California.
4:17
Tori: I have a pretty good life, but I was definitely born into a very different circumstance.
4:23
Tori: My mom struggled with addiction.
4:25
Tori: I was actually conceived in a heroin rehab facility.
4:28
Tori: And my father, I was a result of a fare.
4:31
Tori: So he wasn't around.
4:33
Tori: He actually already had another family.
4:35
Tori: And he also struggled with alcohol addiction.
4:38
Tori: So my childhood was just nothing but really trauma and difficulty and moving.
4:43
Tori: There was no stability.
4:44
Tori: I had no positive role models.
4:46
Tori: My mom struggled with addiction her entire life.
4:49
Tori: My sister followed in her footsteps.
4:51
Tori: So by the time I was in my early 30s, I was pretty much an orphan.
4:55
Tori: Um, my I'm the oldest living member in my family at that, at this point.
5:00
Tori: So I have experienced the kind of grief that will crack your soul open from childhood trauma to the death of, you know, both my parents, my sister, my grandparents, like pretty much lost everyone except for my younger siblings, thank God.
5:15
Tori: And I was I got married to a really good man younger in life, but you know, we grew apart.
5:20
Tori: So I had a divorce after 18 years of marriage.
5:23
Tori: And so I rebuild my self-worth and create a life from literally nothing.
5:30
Tori: And so I love to just share that with people.
5:32
Tori: That I've built many iterations of myself, and I'm always like the Phoenix rising from the ashes of what it is I want in life, how to heal those deep wounds.
5:43
Tori: And so that's really what led me to this work was I was a young psychology student.
5:49
Tori: I was recognizing how much trauma I had.
5:51
Tori: I got into yoga and the Vedas and spirituality, and I started putting all that together.
5:55
Tori: I actually started out in the business world because I really just want to be successful.
5:58
Tori: At about 30 years old, and this was many, many moons ago now, but at about 30 years old, I had everything I was supposed to have on paper.
6:07
Tori: I had the house, the car, the husband, the job, the degree, and I wasn't happy.
6:12
Tori: I wasn't fulfilled.
6:14
Tori: And that was when I woke up and recognized I wasn't living my purpose, I wasn't in alignment with my truth, I was over giving, over-functioning, overdoing.
6:25
Tori: And that's where that self-abandonment comes from.
6:27
Tori: And as women, we don't recognize that as what it is.
6:30
Tori: It really comes from this beautiful place of like giving and people pleasing and loving other people, but we're not really loving and taking care of ourselves.
6:38
Tori: And so that's where that work started.
6:41
Tori: And I went back to school and I got two, I got two different graduate degrees, and then I started my practice.
6:47
Tori: So wow, that was so healing myself has been the biggest thing.
6:51
Tori: And I always say work with someone who's done their own work because otherwise, you know, they'll project all their stuff onto you.
6:56
Tori: Right.
6:57
Tori: But yes, that's a little bit of my my backstory and how I ended up here.
7:01
Cassandra: Okay, so you are definitely qualified.
7:04
Cassandra: And you know what?
7:05
Cassandra: Yeah, you are, and there's a chapter in my book that says your childhood has a lot to do with your adulthood, but yet you're a testament to say, well, you know what?
7:15
Cassandra: I have gone through this, my family, you know, I I had maybe an opportunity, and you can some people may call it an opportunity or fate, like, well, I grew up like this, so this is how it is, you know, and it was something in you that says, nah, I am not feeling something is wrong.
7:36
Cassandra: Something is wrong.
7:38
Cassandra: And when you found that out, kudos to you.
7:41
Cassandra: So what your your personal transformation shaped your coaching methodology, right?
7:48
Cassandra: So that's good.
7:50
Cassandra: So so how how so tell us a about that um methodology.
7:58
Cassandra: Let's talk about, and one of the things I want to say is the reclamation method, and that's like returning something to a better start.
8:07
Cassandra: Right?
8:09
Cassandra: Okay.
8:10
Cassandra: Um, and where did you get that name?
8:12
Cassandra: Where did you get that reclamation method?
8:15
Cassandra: That's that's unique.
8:17
Tori: Yeah, I think it was really like because I came from such a different world, you know, like I said, I live in this, I would have never imagined I have the life that I do now, like not in a million years as a little kid.
8:29
Tori: I so I really feel like we all need to reclaim who we were truly meant to be before the the difficulty, before the stress, before the trauma, before all the imprints, our patterns, our programs, the things we are led to believe about ourselves.
8:43
Tori: You know, I know some of the most I work with some of those brilliant, amazing entrepreneurs, I work with people in Hollywood, you know, all these kinds of like big jobs, and they still doubt themselves.
8:52
Tori: They still have imposter syndrome, they still have all these fears, and and that's normal, that's part of growth.
8:58
Tori: But it's kind of like reclaiming who you're truly meant to be, like at the soul level, like who you were created to be.
9:06
Tori: And that was, and I do believe the same thing with like your childhood that it does shape you, and you know, your wounds become your wisdom, your pain becomes your purpose.
9:15
Tori: It's just how you transform it.
9:17
Tori: I always tell my clients, you will choose what breaks you and what breaks you open.
9:21
Cassandra: Exactly, exactly.
9:23
Cassandra: And so wow, right.
9:25
Cassandra: And I always say you can choose to be bitter and better, right?
9:29
Tori: Exactly.
9:31
Cassandra: Exactly, exactly.
9:32
Cassandra: Um, what do you think?
9:56
Cassandra: What was it about you?
9:58
Cassandra: Because I have listeners that have experienced trauma, you know, and to some degree, I think all of us have in in some way, form, or another.
10:08
Cassandra: What do you think it was about you that enabled you to pivot?
10:15
Cassandra: Because that's not easy.
10:17
Cassandra: What do you what do you think happened?
10:21
Tori: I think part of it was I saw how difficult life was and I didn't want that for myself.
10:27
Tori: You know, there's a lot of financial struggle, there was a lot of trauma, there was a lot of up and down.
10:31
Tori: My mom had mental health challenges.
10:33
Tori: And I also had a younger brother that I was very protective of and loved very much.
10:39
Tori: And so I think I decided I was going to have a different life.
10:44
Tori: And I don't know why I made that decision, but at about 17, I left home on my own.
10:50
Tori: I put myself through university.
10:53
Tori: I never took out a single loan.
10:55
Tori: I did it all myself.
10:56
Tori: I paid for it myself.
10:58
Tori: I also helped my my brother was living with his grandmother at the time to, you know, because our parents weren't really capable of raising him.
11:05
Tori: And so I helped give him money.
11:07
Tori: And so I think I just had this drive in me to be different.
11:10
Tori: And that was, and I also made radically different choices.
11:13
Tori: You know, you said something about all of us kind of feel like, oh, that's just the way it is.
11:18
Tori: This is the way life is, this is the way my parents are.
11:20
Tori: No, like between epigenetics and choice, you can change everything.
11:24
Tori: Like, I literally, I am the fourth generation of a drug addict, and I've never been an addict in my life.
11:31
Tori: Like my grandmother, my mother, and my older sister all had drug and alcohol addiction.
11:36
Tori: I do not because at literally 18 years old, I decided I wasn't gonna do drugs.
11:42
Tori: And at probably 22-ish, I decided, you know, drinking isn't that great.
11:47
Tori: And I, for me, it's like Russian roulette, so I'm not going to drink.
11:51
Tori: So today I'm 47 years old.
11:53
Tori: I don't drink.
11:54
Tori: I just have never like for me, I just don't, like, it's just not a thing.
11:59
Tori: Like, I may have a drink every once in a great while.
12:01
Tori: I've had a couple in the last 20-something years, but it's just it's not a thing for me.
12:04
Tori: It's not a so, and in the in spirituality, particularly like the Vedas, these deep ancient wisdoms, they talk about how choice creates our our future.
12:14
Tori: Like every choice you make, you know, every bite of food you put in your mouth, every person you let into your life, everything you do is creating your future.
12:23
Tori: So you can pivot that at any time, but it always starts with the awareness, the beliefs you have, and the choices you make.
12:30
Tori: I always kind of make it a joke that that's the ABCs of healing.
12:33
Tori: You've got to have the awareness, you have to understand what you believe about yourself to be true.
12:36
Tori: And then you start making different choices.
12:38
Tori: Right.
12:39
Tori: That's and that's where the that's where the reclamation method comes in because we really go through a five-step process of release.
12:46
Tori: So releasing the past, so childhood wounds, old identities.
12:50
Tori: So you're no longer like weighed down by the past, by what's happened, the emotional residue of everything that's occurred.
12:56
Tori: And like you said, we all have trauma.
12:58
Tori: I don't know anyone who doesn't.
12:59
Tori: And when someone tells me they had a perfect childhood, I actually know that that's the red flag because they just haven't opened up their eyes yet.
13:05
Tori: Because we all have something exactly.
13:07
Tori: And I love to redefine trauma for people because we think of trauma as the things that I've been through.
13:13
Tori: And that's definitely trauma.
13:14
Tori: There's the big traumas, there's little traumas, but trauma is having a parent who you know struggled with depression.
13:20
Tori: Trauma is having a critical mother who always talked about your weight.
13:25
Tori: Trauma is having a coach, maybe in it.
13:28
Tori: Like I have a client who had a tennis coach who was horrible to her, but she was with him through all of her formative years and it really messed with her self-esteem.
13:37
Tori: And so she has she's very driven now, but that voice is always in her head that she's not good enough.
13:42
Cassandra: Yeah.
13:43
Tori: And she never recognized that that was trauma.
13:45
Tori: I've had other clients who had like abusive boyfriend in high school, they didn't realize how much that's shaped their relationships now.
13:53
Cassandra: That's so yeah, yeah.
13:55
Cassandra: Um, how long is that method?
13:58
Cassandra: How how long?
13:59
Cassandra: Um, if somebody were to be a part or in your program, that method, how long does that take?
14:07
Tori: It's usually anywhere, it depends on the client.
14:10
Tori: Sometimes people love to go through it fast.
14:11
Tori: We do it in 12 weeks, so three months or three to six months, but it's five steps.
14:16
Tori: It's release, rewire, reclaim, receive, and then rise.
14:20
Tori: So you kind of go through this process of, like I said, releasing the past, you start to rewire your nervous system, your brain.
14:28
Tori: You know, we have to feel safe in our body.
14:30
Tori: That's a big thing that we don't recognize that a lot of our patterns are habitual because our our wiring is that way.
14:37
Cassandra: That's right.
14:38
Tori: Then we reclaim our confidence, come to our authentic energy.
14:41
Tori: Now we can open to receive.
14:43
Tori: You know, so many of my clients have a hard time even receiving compliments.
14:46
Tori: Yeah, they're told they're done and like, oh, you look beautiful today.
14:49
Tori: Oh, this cheap old thing.
14:50
Tori: I know.
14:51
Tori: Oh, really?
14:53
Tori: I've had this for years.
14:54
Tori: Yeah.
14:55
Tori: Exactly.
14:56
Tori: Like we kind of downplay it.
14:57
Tori: And you know, we're all like, I'm I'm all these things.
14:59
Tori: I'm recovering perfectionist, type A personality, like you name it.
15:03
Tori: I've got I've done it.
15:04
Tori: So I always say this with a lot of love.
15:07
Cassandra: Recovering perfectionists, that's what I say, but I'm that's a daily process for me, you know.
15:12
Cassandra: But you know, Tori, when I listen to you, it's all about decisions.
15:17
Cassandra: You made a decision, and also you obviously was just sick and tired of being and feeling like you were feeling, you know, that that it it it takes that.
15:32
Cassandra: And I'm I'm also would like to know did you change people in your circle?
15:37
Cassandra: Was that important who you associated with?
15:41
Cassandra: And if so, how and why?
15:44
Tori: Yes, I actually believe there is a lot of research that shows that the five people you hang out with will influence your habits in your life more than anyone on the planet, especially like your romantic partner, the people your best friend, you know, the people in your life will influence you absolutely.
15:58
Tori: So that is part of why I did at 17 have to figure out how to leave home because there was no way I was going to change being in that environment.
16:05
Tori: And there was actually a good, you know, five to seven year period where I did not speak to my parents.
16:10
Tori: I couldn't.
16:11
Tori: I had to heal, I had to get away from them.
16:13
Tori: They were active in their addiction, they were very toxic and negative.
16:16
Tori: So again, I had to make radical choices.
16:18
Tori: And most people are not strong enough to do that.
16:20
Tori: They feel a lot of guilt.
16:21
Tori: Oh, these are my parents, I have to take care of them.
16:23
Tori: And I trust me, I've lived that, but I knew I had to do it.
16:26
Tori: And then I did try to choose better people to be around.
16:31
Tori: So my friends, in a lot of ways, became my family.
16:34
Tori: And I tried to choose when I was younger, you know, a better, because I met my ex-husband when I was 23.
16:40
Tori: So I really tried to choose a man who was a good man and you know was stable and solid.
16:45
Tori: And you know, I really looked for the opposite of everything I had ever been around, even though some part of me didn't know that was possible for me, or that I deserved it, or that I was good enough for any of it, because I was the, you know, the kid from the wrong neighborhood who didn't have good parents, you know, who was the result of an affair.
17:01
Tori: So I get that inner voice that we all have, but like healing that and proving to yourself that no matter where you came from, no matter what you've done, you are still worthy.
17:11
Cassandra: Yes, you are.
17:11
Cassandra: Yes, you are, and and more than likely, I'm you you more than likely um I I call, excuse me, you attract who you are.
17:25
Cassandra: Right?
17:26
Cassandra: So, like you indicated, there were people in your life you had to get away from, you know, um, and individuals that came into your life, perhaps you attracted them, you know.
17:39
Cassandra: Um, and even now that you have a different circle of friends, that those five individuals that are major influences on you.
17:48
Cassandra: Um, you know, something else you talked about that I I want to hear your take on it.
17:54
Cassandra: You talked about releasing emotional residue in your work.
18:00
Cassandra: And and I and how does that affect your self-worth and what does that mean?
18:06
Cassandra: And and and also I got three questions on that.
18:09
Cassandra: How how how does it show up in high achieving women?
18:14
Cassandra: That's emotional residue.
18:17
Tori: So I love to tell women what to look for, and it's going to be people pleasing, perfectionism, self-doubt, questioning yourself all the time, asking, saying things to yourself like, What's wrong with me?
18:31
Tori: Why do I keep doing this?
18:33
Tori: Why do I have these reactions all the time, being like reactive emotionally, feeling off or sad or upset more often than not.
18:43
Tori: But it's really like these this internal knowing that just something doesn't feel right and that you are maybe avoiding how you're feeling.
18:52
Tori: You're overworking, you're overgiving, you're over that's what we call in psychology over functioning.
18:57
Tori: So just overdoing for everyone but yourself.
18:59
Tori: So there's some things to look for that that means that something is going on emotionally, internally.
19:05
Tori: And so that emotional residue is think of it as like every time we have difficulty, even if it's like chronic stress from work, a lot of you know, a difficult marriage or relationship that you're in all the time, like it is leaving its imprint on your system.
19:20
Tori: Yes.
19:21
Tori: And we have to heal the system because it's starting to look for danger essentially.
19:26
Tori: It's like, like I said, if if you grow up with a critical mother and then you end up with a partner who's also critical, now your system is in hyper-vigilance, it's it's scanning constantly for that criticism, and then you criticize yourself.
19:42
Tori: Right.
19:42
Tori: And so you have to get to the root cause and actually start healing at the nervous system level, which means, you know, like your brain, stem, your body, and your mind.
19:51
Tori: They they they are a feedback loop, and your body is trying to protect you, your body will never lie to you.
19:57
Tori: But I do a process called energy psychology, which is approved by the American Psychological Association, but it is basically energy work.
20:06
Tori: So it is biofield tap, like um EFT tapping type style work.
20:13
Tori: It's a little different, but we do a lot of work to help calm the nervous system, get us out of that fight or flight so we can get into rest or digest.
20:20
Tori: And a lot of people don't recognize that we think of fight or flight as like the nervous system being hijacked, which is true.
20:27
Tori: We've all heard that, right?
20:29
Tori: Like, oh, if a bear was attacking you, we'd have fight or flight.
20:31
Tori: Right.
20:32
Tori: But most women actually go into what we call freeze or fawn.
20:35
Tori: And fawn is also a this nervous system hijacked, and that is people pleasing.
20:42
Tori: So it's saying whatever you need to say, it's doing whatever you need to do to keep someone else happy.
20:46
Tori: That's the same as being in fight or flight.
20:49
Tori: It's either shutting down and staying, or fawn it's called fawn.
20:54
Tori: It's like I do I'll do whatever you need me to do to make to smooth everything over.
20:59
Tori: And so people pleasing in our body is the same energy and the same feeling and the same like not being calm as being in fight or flight.
21:14
Cassandra: And the methodology that you do, you work with people with that because uh you do, yeah, because when I'm listening to you, I'm like, wow, I've had a lot of emotional residue, and I'm not the only one.
21:26
Cassandra: I'm sure we all in some stance, but you know, I'm I'm a perfectionist, you know, everything has to be right.
21:32
Cassandra: And and that that tenses me up, and it also takes me forever to get stuff done because it's just not right, you know, and that in turn causes stress, overwhelm, exhaustion, you know, it just it causes a lot of different things.
21:53
Cassandra: So I'm glad you said that because I always hear individuals talk about healing the nervous system, heal the life to regulate your energy.
22:03
Cassandra: I'm like, wow, that sounds powerful.
22:05
Cassandra: How in the world do you do that?
22:08
Cassandra: And that's something that you do.
22:10
Tori: And I do want to give your listeners like some simple tips that will help regulate the nervous system because I think that it gets really confusing and it sounds really hard, and it's really not.
22:20
Tori: Um so I always start with what's free so that we can start doing it today.
22:24
Tori: Right.
22:25
Tori: So, first and foremost is a breath work, and breath work is as simple as breathing in for four, breathing out for eight.
22:35
Tori: Why do we do that?
22:36
Tori: The nervous system calms down when we exhale.
22:40
Tori: You're telling your body, I'm safe now.
22:42
Tori: I'm exhaling, I'm releasing.
22:44
Tori: And so in for four, out for eight.
22:47
Tori: You can just do that.
22:48
Tori: No one will ever know.
22:49
Tori: If you can put your hand on your belly, make it as big, you know, bring, bring your breath as far down as you can.
22:56
Tori: Most of us breathe into our chest solely.
22:59
Tori: The breath stops there, and that's an anxiety breath.
23:02
Cassandra: Oh, okay.
23:04
Tori: So a lot of times we think we can talk ourselves down, and that's what we do.
23:09
Tori: But all research shows you actually need to use your physiology to calm yourself down.
23:14
Tori: So the two most powerful things you can do slow your breath, take in a long deep breath, do a longer exhale, doesn't matter how, but I like to use the 4-8.
23:23
Tori: Take a walk that completes the stress system.
23:27
Tori: Think of it fight or flight.
23:28
Tori: Your body now thinks it's flighted, thinks it's run away.
23:32
Tori: So you have a tough con, you know, your boss comes and yells at you, go like if you can, even if you go walk around the office, like get away from them for a second.
23:41
Tori: Like get up and move, dance.
23:44
Tori: Like, there's a lot of things that if you can just drop into your body, into your breath, yeah, get out of your head for a minute, your body will start to calm down, and then your mind can start to calm down.
23:55
Tori: Your mind will follow your body.
23:58
Cassandra: That's good.
23:59
Cassandra: Okay, the four and the eight and the walk.
24:02
Tori: Breathe in.
24:03
Tori: So it's deep breath, slow four, out for eight, take a walk.
24:07
Tori: You can do it brisk, you can whatever you can do, but get like get up and move.
24:12
Tori: Like let your body complete the energy cycle.
24:14
Tori: Think of it this way: if you ever see animals tussle or um like two dogs kind of fight, after that, they'll shake really vigorously.
24:24
Tori: They are shaking, they are resetting their nervous system like that.
24:27
Tori: We as humans don't do that because we know we would look silly, but we actually need to do that.
24:31
Tori: Like, if I almost get into like a fender bender or a little car accident, you know, that feeling when you have a near miss and you're all tensed up, I'll be in the car, like shaking my hands out and stuff, because I know I need to like release that, but I'm in a car, so I can't walk, I can't do anything.
24:46
Tori: Okay.
24:47
Tori: So think about how to like shift your physiology.
24:50
Tori: Like I said, if you're having a super stressful morning and you know, you're in the car on the way to work and you just had a fight with your husband before you left.
24:58
Tori: Sing at the top of your lungs.
24:59
Tori: There's actually a it's called the vagus nerve.
25:01
Tori: Get the energy out any way that you can.
25:04
Tori: Think of it that way.
25:05
Tori: Deep breaths, you know, maybe you're like I said, anger, like we might need to scream, we might need to belt out some Beyonce, it doesn't matter.
25:12
Tori: Whatever it is that calls to you.
25:14
Tori: Right.
25:14
Tori: Right.
25:15
Tori: But you know, the vagus nerve is in the back of the throat and that connects our brain and our our gut.
25:19
Tori: And so that also is another thing, like humming, singing, dancing, breathing, moving your body.
25:25
Tori: These are all very free things you can do today that will help you.
25:28
Cassandra: That's good.
25:29
Cassandra: Thank you so much, Tori.
25:32
Cassandra: That was great.
25:33
Cassandra: Uh, it made me remember sometimes, like when I'm my husband upsets me, and one of the things I scream is Jesus, like Jesus.
25:42
Cassandra: And he's like, oh God, she lost her mind now.
25:45
Cassandra: But I find myself screaming that, and then I actually do feel a little better and I just move on, you know.
25:52
Tori: And you're calling in a better energy, like help me be a little more like a little more like Jesus right now.
25:56
Cassandra: Because I'm I know, I know, I know.
25:59
Cassandra: You know, something else you said that I love.
26:02
Cassandra: Thank you so much for those tips.
26:05
Cassandra: Um reclaiming confidence after heartbreak.
26:10
Cassandra: And a lot of us want to hear about this.
26:14
Cassandra: Like, and I love it when you say healing isn't moving on, it's coming home to yourself.
26:21
Cassandra: And when I was in therapy, I've been in therapy for years.
26:24
Cassandra: I'm always in and out of therapy.
26:26
Cassandra: And I remember my therapist saying, Cassandra, you need to come home to self.
26:32
Cassandra: And I was like, To self.
26:33
Cassandra: And that really agitated me.
26:35
Cassandra: Like, what is she talking about?
26:36
Cassandra: Come home to yourself.
26:37
Cassandra: So I'm like, I can't wait to ask Toy, what does it mean?
26:41
Cassandra: Tell us, unpack that for us.
26:44
Tori: Yeah, that sounds really it, and I get it.
26:47
Tori: I'm very logical, and there's definitely things that I say to people now that I try to make it very grounded and real life.
26:53
Tori: Right.
26:53
Tori: And it's really because we as women are literally taught to focus on everyone but ourselves.
27:00
Tori: And so coming home to myself really means am I checking in with me?
27:06
Tori: Do I know who I am, what I want, and what I need?
27:10
Tori: And I have women that I work with that are so codependent, meaning so enmeshed in their relationships, that they don't recognize when they are hungry, when they are tired, when they need to go to the bathroom.
27:21
Tori: And so I have them check on themselves every couple hours.
27:25
Cassandra: Wow.
27:26
Tori: Hey, like it'd be like, okay, Tori, am I hungry?
27:29
Tori: Am I tired?
27:30
Tori: How am I feeling?
27:32
Tori: Just coming home to yourself is literally checking in with you and saying, Okay, how am I doing?
27:38
Tori: Like the deeper work is who am I?
27:40
Tori: What do I want?
27:41
Tori: You know, I'm I am someone beyond someone's daughter, sister, mother, wife, worker, whatever you tell yourself.
27:49
Tori: That is not your identity.
27:51
Tori: You are someone beyond all of that.
27:54
Tori: And do you know who you are?
27:56
Tori: Do you know what you truly want?
27:58
Tori: Do you know what in your life is not working for you?
28:01
Tori: And that is the bigger picture of coming home to self.
28:04
Tori: But the very simple way to come home to yourself is to check in with yourself once a day.
28:09
Tori: How am I feeling?
28:10
Tori: Like, just like you would with your kid when they come home from school.
28:13
Tori: Hey, baby, how was your day?
28:15
Tori: Did you learn anything today?
28:16
Tori: We don't do that with ourselves.
28:18
Tori: Women will spend all day getting their, you know, like just the typical, right?
28:23
Tori: Not that we all have this, but so many of my clients getting their children ready for school in the morning, getting them off to school, getting them home, cooking dinner, doing homework, right?
28:36
Tori: Answering more emails, and then going to bed again.
28:38
Tori: And like not once did they check in and say, hey baby, what do you need today?
28:43
Tori: Like, how are you?
28:44
Tori: Did you get to the gym?
28:45
Tori: Did you get to meditate?
28:46
Tori: Did you get to breathe today?
28:48
Tori: And you know, and I and I don't even have children, but like I could still do that all day long.
28:53
Tori: I could serve, I could get up, I could serve my clients, could hang out with my boyfriend.
28:58
Tori: I can do all these things that I never think about what is it that I need today.
29:02
Tori: And so I always encourage women, check in on yourself like you check in on your best friend.
29:07
Cassandra: Yeah.
29:08
Cassandra: And that's that's even with a major life shift, right?
29:12
Tori: Like, yeah, like um, you got laid off or you're divorced, or you know, there are these things that we definitely, and that's what I love to talk about, like reclaiming confidence, because I think I believe personally that confidence is an evolutionary process, meaning that we can be very confident in one area of our life and feel not confident in another.
29:35
Tori: Like I have many women I work with who can walk into a boardroom and feel very good there, and then they go home and they don't feel confident in how to communicate with their partners or with their kids or with their parents.
29:46
Tori: You know, they like that's where they get triggered and that's where they get annoyed.
29:49
Tori: And I always say our triggers are our teachers, it's showing us where we need to grow.
29:53
Tori: So it's not a bad thing.
29:54
Tori: But that confidence, like, and I've been through this, right?
29:59
Tori: I've been through like a divorce where it was like, oh my gosh, I'm you know, now I'm in my 40s and I'm getting a divorce, and like, am I still attractive?
30:07
Tori: Like I'm gonna have to be dating again, you know.
30:10
Tori: So all this fear.
30:11
Tori: So that's where, and even in like my corporate, I left the corporate world to start my own business.
30:17
Tori: That was really hard.
30:18
Tori: And I did that at like 32, 33 years old.
30:20
Tori: I didn't have the confidence because I was very good in the corporate world.
30:25
Tori: I'd worked very hard, you know, over like a 10-year period to get where I was.
30:29
Tori: And then I left it all and I had to start in a world I knew nothing about.
30:34
Tori: Yeah.
30:34
Tori: So every time you're evolving, you're going to lack confidence because you don't have any experience yet.
30:40
Tori: And it's scary, and self-doubt is part of the process, but that's where we kind of get to grow and get to lean into that.
30:47
Tori: And you know, now I feel confident.
30:49
Tori: I've supported myself for 14 years now with my own business.
30:54
Cassandra: Yeah, yeah.
30:55
Cassandra: So so how did you get that confidence like you're doing some?
30:59
Cassandra: It's just like my listeners, um, many of them are there certain things they want to do that will enable them to start living their best life, but they'll they're kind of like, I don't I don't know if I want to use stuff, but me, I can say stuck because that was stuck.
31:14
Cassandra: Oh yeah, yeah.
31:15
Cassandra: I was stuck too.
31:16
Cassandra: And self-doubt is my biggest thing that gets me stuck.
31:19
Cassandra: Right.
31:19
Cassandra: So, how do you how do you get out of that?
31:22
Cassandra: How can my listeners get out of that?
31:25
Tori: And yeah, we're all works in progress.
31:29
Tori: Me too, still always.
31:30
Tori: I'm always a work in progress because you know what got me here won't get me there.
31:34
Tori: So it's like I'm always working to get to that next level, right?
31:37
Tori: But I feel like some we're all a little bit different, and so I love to give two scenarios.
31:43
Tori: You have to know who you are.
31:45
Tori: Now, some of us are a jump out of the window, build the wings on the way down type of people.
31:51
Cassandra: Right.
31:52
Tori: We need, we have to put our back to the wall.
31:54
Tori: I am that kind of person.
31:55
Tori: I had to make myself leave that corporate job and just do it.
31:59
Tori: Because if I stayed comfy, I would have never done it.
32:02
Tori: Some people work that way, and you have to look at yourself and say, like, when I've taken leaps in my life, did that open me up and wake me up, or did it shut me down?
32:12
Tori: So some people need that.
32:14
Tori: I'm that person.
32:15
Tori: I my back has to be against the wall and I will fight to make it happen.
32:19
Tori: But other people I've worked with are the complete opposite.
32:22
Tori: They need the security of that corporate job while they build their thing.
32:26
Tori: Right.
32:27
Tori: Because if they didn't have that, that would shut them down.
32:30
Tori: They would be in so much fear they couldn't take any action.
32:33
Cassandra: Yes.
32:33
Tori: So the biggest thing that gives us confidence is actually doing something.
32:38
Tori: So for that, if you're that person that knows that you need the security, you would be too afraid, blah, blah, blah.
32:44
Tori: Then you make a deal with yourself.
32:47
Tori: You keep a promise to yourself every single day to do one thing that will get you closer to where you want to be.
32:53
Tori: Take one scary step, even no matter how small it is.
32:57
Tori: Those kind of people, you don't want it to be too big, will freak you out and you'll retreat.
33:02
Cassandra: Right.
33:02
Cassandra: That's right.
33:03
Cassandra: Yeah.
33:03
Cassandra: And that's why you say know who you are.
33:06
Cassandra: Yes.
33:08
Tori: And people like me, I had to jump out the window and figure it out.
33:11
Tori: Like that, that's who I am.
33:13
Tori: Like I had, you know, and that's who I knew I was.
33:16
Tori: Like I knew I left home at 17 years old, and I figured it out.
33:20
Tori: I couldn't even rent an apartment by myself.
33:21
Tori: I had to find a roommate who could do that.
33:23
Cassandra: Right.
33:24
Tori: So I moved to Japan when I was 19 years old.
33:27
Tori: You know, I did I did crazy things.
33:28
Tori: So I know that that's who I am.
33:30
Cassandra: Yeah.
33:31
Tori: But if that's not your personality style, you'll you'll freak yourself out, essentially.
33:35
Tori: And typically, as humans, we do really well with small changes over time that add up to big difference.
33:43
Tori: And I always tell my clients, if you're you get one to two percent better every week or take move the needle that far, the end of the year you're 50 to 100% closer to where you want to be.
33:55
Cassandra: Wow, that's that's good.
33:57
Cassandra: That was good.
33:58
Cassandra: That was so good I lost my thought.
34:01
Cassandra: I actually lost my thought, and it was good too.
34:06
Cassandra: And I I just lost my thought.
34:08
Cassandra: But anyway, oh my gosh.
34:11
Cassandra: Um, I like um you two provide.
34:16
Cassandra: Well, actually, you you said so many things that we could do now.
34:22
Cassandra: You know, I like the breathing in and and the out, um, coming home to yourself, ask yourself, well, how's your day?
34:30
Cassandra: How are things going?
34:31
Cassandra: Um, I even love the um uh I know what I was gonna say, it came back.
34:36
Cassandra: Thank you.
34:37
Cassandra: Um, there are also points and times in your life where you have to make a move.
34:45
Cassandra: It's like you can stay there or you can get unstuck.
34:48
Cassandra: And I'll use this when I economy, like a lot of individuals.
34:52
Cassandra: I'm in the Washington, D.C.
34:53
Cassandra: area, and and a lot of people lost their jobs.
34:57
Cassandra: And sometimes it'll take that for you to do what you are called to do.
35:03
Cassandra: You can get as angry, of course, that's that's normal, that's grieving, you can go through all of that, but I believe there's certain things that happen in individuals' life, but you two are to help you make a decision.
35:15
Cassandra: Okay, you know, I can I can do this, I can I can just forget it, or you know, you have like you say, you got to make a decision.
35:23
Cassandra: So that's what I wanted to say when things um when those life changes occur.
35:29
Tori: Yeah, that's actually like for me in everything I've studied over the last 26 years, psychology, spirituality, I know for a fact that those things that the breakdown happens before the breakthrough.
35:42
Tori: And we often go into this victim mentality when that stuff happens.
35:46
Tori: You know, the divorce, the death of someone, the being laid off, being fired, losing our money.
35:53
Tori: All and I've been through almost all of those.
35:55
Tori: You know, I've lost all my money.
35:57
Tori: I have like starting my business, I spent all of my 401k to do that, you know, like because I went from a six-figure job to not making much money.
36:04
Tori: Um, I've been through a divorce.
36:06
Tori: I've lost multiple, like my entire family.
36:08
Tori: So each of these things, we see them as bad, but they are the key to our transformation.
36:15
Tori: And we have to see it that way.
36:17
Tori: Yes, we have to feel the pain and the wounding and all that for sure.
36:21
Tori: But we can't stay there forever.
36:24
Tori: We have to say, what is the gift in this difficulty?
36:27
Tori: Because the pain of staying the same is too great at that point.
36:33
Tori: It's like when I when my sister died, actually, my sister um died suddenly from you know, drug, drug and out, like basically drugs that she'd been done doing forever.
36:42
Tori: And that was in 2012.
36:44
Tori: And that year, I took her death as like, wow, my sister did not live.
36:50
Tori: So I am going to live and I am going to leave this corporate job because I know it's not where I'm meant to be.
36:56
Tori: Sure.
36:56
Tori: So I took her death as a catalyst to transform.
37:01
Tori: I took my divorce as an opportunity to move to a new city, to be, you know, to live where I'd always wanted to live, to do things I always wanted to do, that to like live life again on a deeper level on my own terms of being able to think without having to think about anyone else.
37:15
Tori: And I took two full years to just be single and do everything I wanted to do without a partner.
37:20
Tori: You know, so and you know, some I've known so many women who've lost their job, and that was the catalyst for them finding the next thing.
37:28
Tori: Even I've got a client who, you know, survived cancer and doesn't even have a stomach, and like they've done so many different things, you know, it's like they've gotten so into health, and so it's like the breakdown comes before the breakthrough, and always see it as you know, I see it as the universe, God, whatever.
37:45
Tori: Put that thing in your life, yes, give you enough pain to make the change you know you.
37:51
Cassandra: Yes.
37:52
Cassandra: Wow, that's good.
37:53
Cassandra: That's good.
37:55
Cassandra: Well, Tori, we're gonna have to wrap up.
37:58
Cassandra: This is really good.
37:59
Cassandra: I could keep talking and talking.
38:02
Cassandra: Um any words of wisdom or or call to action?
38:10
Cassandra: I know you have a um you have a, if I'm not mistaken, a discovery.
38:16
Cassandra: You can have a discovery call with you, or um how how can people get in touch with you and what are some of the benefits you said a lot that could happen if they did connect with you.
38:32
Tori: Yeah, I mean, with me, I really like I said, I love to help people just clear out the past, create the best relationships with themselves and with others.
38:42
Tori: And, you know, I work with like a lot of high-performing leaders, entrepreneurs, creatives, but we're really helping you again release everything that holds you back so that you can create the life.
38:52
Tori: Like I've had so many women, I've worked with women who've done everything from lose 30 pounds, find the love of their life, and build multi-million dollar businesses.
38:59
Tori: So it's it's really dependent on what that person wants.
39:04
Tori: But you can find me, you can connect with me on my website at torijanae.com, so t-o-r-i, j-e-n-a-e.com or Instagram tori.janae.
39:16
Tori: So t-o-r-i.j.
39:18
Tori: And I have a free booklet too that's called um like the confidence codes.
39:26
Tori: Yeah.
39:26
Tori: So that's that's pretty long, but it's free information.
39:29
Tori: It'll kind of help you understand what are the core psychological wounds that are holding you back.
39:34
Tori: So is guilt holding you back?
39:36
Tori: Is the betrayal wound, the abandonment wound, like all these deeper things?
39:40
Tori: And it will tell you exactly how it's showing up in your life and your relationships, and then lots of tips on how to like actively start creating more confidence and moving past that so you can make the moves that you want, so you can get out of your own way because that's what we're all doing.
39:53
Tori: Yes.
39:53
Tori: And my job, and I have a fierce intuition.
39:57
Tori: I always see what's going on underneath the, you know, between 26 years of psychological study and then just doing having a practice now for 14.
40:06
Cassandra: Sure.
40:06
Tori: You can pretty much do an intake with someone and already understand all of their patterns, programs, and problems and be like, okay, this is what's going on.
40:13
Tori: So my words of wisdom are if you're listening to this podcast, it means you're looking for this information and you are ready to make the shifts in your life.
40:26
Tori: So choose one thing every day that you're gonna do to get closer to where you want to be, whether that's starting to journal, starting to meditate, starting to do this breath work, starting to be more self aware and be honest with yourself about what's not working in your life, what you would love to shift.
40:42
Tori: I love to ask women to sit with themselves and say, if I had a magic.
40:45
Tori: What would I change in my life?
40:47
Tori: If I knew I couldn't fail, what would I be doing?
40:51
Cassandra: Exactly.
40:52
Cassandra: That's good.
40:53
Cassandra: That's good.
40:54
Cassandra: Well, Tori, thank you so much.
40:56
Cassandra: And my listeners, I know you gained a lot of insight from Tori Janae.
41:02
Cassandra: And if in fact you forgot it was something she said that you can't remember, but you you wanted to write it down, you can play this uh podcast over and over and over again.
41:15
Cassandra: And I ask you that you have friends or you know someone where this would benefit them, please share it.
41:22
Cassandra: And it will also be on all major podcast platforms.
41:27
Cassandra: So, like I always say to my listeners, Tori, first of all, I want to thank you for your for stepping out and making the decision to be the woman that you are to be because you're making a big difference.
41:39
Cassandra: I so appreciate you.
41:41
Cassandra: And I also want to thank my listeners for listening.
41:45
Cassandra: And as I say, bye for now and God bless you all.
41:51
Cassandra: Thank you again, Tori.
41:54
Tori: Thank you.
42:25
Cassandra: Thanks for um helping me learn something new.
42:28
Cassandra: Oh good.
42:29
Cassandra: I hope so.
42:30
Cassandra: I do.I always say if I know everything, I want to be in a group where I don't, so that I can learn.
42:40
Tori: Absolutely.
42:41
Tori: I agree a hundred percent.
42:43
Cassandra: Yeah, so I really appreciate you.
42:45
Cassandra: And um I will send you this, I will let you know when it's gonna go live, and I'm certain you're gonna get a mega downloads as a result of it.
42:56
Tori: Oh, I hope so.
42:57
Tori: My goal is always just to serve and help as much as possible.
43:00
Tori: So that's why I love to give free tools right away so that someone can listen and be one one to ten percent better right away.
43:09
Cassandra: Exactly.
43:10
Cassandra: So again, thank you, and God bless you, and you'll hear from me soon.
43:14
Cassandra: All right, thank you so much, bye for now.
43:18
Tori: Bye.