Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Why Your Three Year Old Hits You and How to End It - Fast!

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Why Your Three Year Old Hits You and How to End It - Fast! · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: One of the biggest challenges of early childhood is having
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: a child who hits. What do you do when you
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: have a violent child, a child who gets emotionally disregulated
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: and then they come at you. It's all arms and legs,
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: feet and hands. They're kicking, they're hitting, they're screaming at you,
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: they're telling you that they hate you. And all you
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: did was say, no, sweetie, you can't stay at the
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: park any longer. It's time to go home.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: Or you cut their sandwiches and triangles instead of squares.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: I know, I mean, I've said this before. You always
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: always cut in squares or rectangles first, because if they
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: want triangles, you can just go diagonal. If you're gone
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: triangular first, it's really hard to turn them into a square.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: But we digress. What do we do when we've got
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: a child who is really upset so much so that
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: they're becoming physically aggressive towards us, towards usually towards mum.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: The realities, they don't do it towards dad so much.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: That's what we discussed today on the Happy Families podcast. Yes, Gooday,
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Real parenting Solutions every
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: single day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie Colson and we are delighted to have
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: you join us today. If you knew to the pod,
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: thanks so much for jumping on board today. A conversation
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: about kids who get aggressive and violent. We've had this
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: happened in our family. I remember years ago my little
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: brother was terrified because one of his kids was constantly
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: hitting his wife. And it always seems to happen around
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: about the age of let's say three ish. As a
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: general rule, Kylie, you've got an early childcare background. This
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: is what you lived for when you were younger and
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: working in that industry. Were kids violent? Do they hit
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: each other at kindergarten preschool? I'll take that as a yes.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: Wherever there are children, there will be violence.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, constant separation. How you to stop using your hands
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: we have we have soft we have pulling and scratching.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: You've got to use those lines, right, It's all about
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: we have gentle hands, we have soft hands, we have
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: nice hands, we have kind hands. So let's discuss this.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: I want to initially just make it really clear. This
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: is as you've laughed at me for asking the question.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: And developmentally appropriate behavior that we see all the time
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: when you have children who don't know how to regulate
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: their emotions and therefore their behaviors, because your behavior follows
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: your emotion. If you're feeling disregulated emotionally, especially if you're young,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: you'll typically become dysregulated in your behavior. Impulse control is
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: not the strong suit of a three year old.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: The reality is they've got these really big emotions and
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: they've got to be able to find a way to
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: let that emotion move through their body in an appropriate way.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: But as a three year old, they don't learn that
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  Speaker 2: on their own.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: No, I mean, emotion regulation kind of begins in a
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: very ordinary way from about the age of three, and
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: it gets better and better until researchers believe that somewhere
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: between eight and ten is when the typical child can
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: usually regulate their emotions and therefore the behaviors in a
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: reasonable way most of the time, in most circumstances, with
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: a lot of caveats, right, because if they're hungry, or
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: they're tired, or they're stressed, or if they're.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: Feeling the forty two.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: Well I'm more than forty two, now, did I say
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: with it? No? But I did feel targeted when you
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: looked at me the way that you said that.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: Maybe I was talking about me.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: You're not quite forty two anymore either. It's not just
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: emotion regulation, though, there's also language limitations. So children do
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: know how to communicate, and therefore we expect, since they
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: know how to talk, we expect that they're going to
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: share with us their feelings all the time.
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  Speaker 2: At this age, as a young parent, there was a
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: massive emphasis on the terrible twos. Oh yes, but as
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: we parented each of our children, we actually recognize that
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: two was quite manageable compared to the three was not.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: Three was where it really hit. And I don't know
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  Speaker 2: if that's because we're progressed as a human race, and
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  Speaker 2: we've been able to kind of start to manage our
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  Speaker 2: own emotions around two years. But at three, they're so
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  Speaker 2: much more articulate. They're so much more capable in these
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: tiny little.
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  Speaker 1: Bodies, except when they get angry, except when they become
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  Speaker 1: emotionally dysregulated, and the size of their emotions, like the
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: emotional intensity of a three year old is massive. The
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  Speaker 1: only other place that I see the emotional intensity of
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  Speaker 1: a three year old is an angry red pea platter
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  Speaker 1: who gets cut off or who isn't being allowed to
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  Speaker 1: drive fast enough. That was so funny in my head.
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  Speaker 1: You're not even smiling at me. I thought that was
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  Speaker 1: a really great.
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  Speaker 2: No, because I wouldn't say it was a pea plater.
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  Speaker 2: I'd say it's a middle age a.
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  Speaker 1: Boomer, maybe a boomer there is anyway, Let's move on.
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  Speaker 1: So we've got inhibition and impulse control low, we've got
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  Speaker 1: high emotional intensity. We've got limited language capacity. Hitting isn
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: munication when words fail, when frustration and other needs simply
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  Speaker 1: become overwhelming. And I just want to emphasize before we
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  Speaker 1: get into my three solutions, you might have others because
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  Speaker 1: we haven't discussed this ahead of time. This behavior, well,
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  Speaker 1: it isn't Every child doesn't do it. It's not considered
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  Speaker 1: developmentally inappropriate. It's normal. It's typically going to happen when
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: children are less mature. The only time that I see
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  Speaker 1: it with older children is when they are extremely dysregulated,
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: or when you have a neuro developmentally challenged child. So
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: if you've got a neurodivergent child, then you might see
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: it in older kids as well. In fact, I was
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  Speaker 1: at a school about a month ago, and a child
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  Speaker 1: escaped the classroom that they were and they ran into
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: the room where I was giving a talk to students,
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  Speaker 1: literally raced up the front and looked at me and
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  Speaker 1: then whacked me. They kind of as they did it,
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  Speaker 1: I think they realized that I wasn't somebody that they
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  Speaker 1: were familiar with. They didn't know who I was, and
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: they didn't know what they were doing, and they really
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: pulled the well, it wasn't a punch, but they really
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: pulled back as they made connection with me. And I mean,
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: I wasn't bothered by it, didn't hurt me at all.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: They whacked me across the shoulder. It wasn't like they
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: hit me in the head or anything like that. But
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: this was a child who had some cognitive difficulties, some
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: cognitive challenges, and so sometimes you'll see that kind of
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: behavior with older kids as well. After the break, we're
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: gonna map out the three things that you can do
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: to help your child when they are hitting inappropriately and
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: it just keeps happening and happening. Okay, Kylie. I remember
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: getting this distressed phone call from my brother when he
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: just said, our child keeps on hitting his mum, and
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what we do. We've tried to hold
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: his hands down, we've tried to tell him to stop it.
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  Speaker 1: We don't like it. We've lectured him, we've tried to
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: hit him back, and he's still doing it. We don't
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  Speaker 1: know what to do. I mean, he was beside himself
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  Speaker 1: and this has been going on for about three months.
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  Speaker 1: It's not like it was a one and done thing.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: It was in during So when this happens, I've got
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: a couple of things that I think are worth emphasizing.
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  Speaker 1: The first is that hitting is not okay, period, and
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: our children need to know that we can. We should.
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  Speaker 1: It's incumbent upon us to set really clear limits to
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: let our children know, and maybe even by holding their
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: hand and holding it away and saying we have soft hands.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: We do not hit. It's not nice to hit. It
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  Speaker 1: hurts the whole gentle parenting thing. I'm not suggesting that
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  Speaker 1: we get tough, that we get nasty, that we even
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: hurt our child, but we have to communicate clearly, absolutely,
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: this is a boundary. You've crossed it. It's not okay.
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  Speaker 1: Now we can do it lovingly, we can do it gently,
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  Speaker 1: but our children need to know clearly you are not
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: allowed to hit me.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: You gave that big long list that your brother shared
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: with you. Of all the things they tried, the one
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  Speaker 2: thing they didn't try up until that point was actually
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: providing him with another outlet. The biggest challenge we have
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: is that we think that because emotions are something that
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: we feel, then they don't require action. But in order
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: for us to process emotion, the most effective way is movement.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: So when we're frustrated or when we're angry, that's actually
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: when I do the best cleaning in my house. Not
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: only is it the.
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  Speaker 1: Best cleaning should get you irritated more, I do it
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  Speaker 1: so fast right.
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  Speaker 2: There is so much energy stored in my body through
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  Speaker 2: that emotion that the best thing I can do is
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  Speaker 2: find a positive outlet. I remember when our eldest was
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: probably she'd actually started school, and she was having some really,
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  Speaker 2: really big emotions, and so we taught her to draw
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  Speaker 2: angry pictures. When she was really worked up. We'd pull
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: out the crayons and she would just do these massive
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: storm clouds, and we told her she could draw as
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  Speaker 2: big as she wants, and it worked really well, so
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  Speaker 2: well that we got a quite frustraded phone call from
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: the school one day because she'd gotten in trouble and
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: she was really frustrated. So she grabbed a text and
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  Speaker 2: drew all over the carpet, And when they rang and
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: told me, I knew exactly what she'd done, and I
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  Speaker 2: was so proud of her because instead of her using
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  Speaker 2: all of these terrible words or worse, beating someone, beating
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  Speaker 2: somebody else up, she had done exactly what we taught her.
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  Speaker 2: We just obviously had an emphasized paper was a really
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  Speaker 2: important part of the process.
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  Speaker 1: All right, So I'm going to check out all of
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  Speaker 1: my notes and I'm just going to run through handful
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  Speaker 1: things that are going to be useful. Number One, we
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: need to stay regulated ourselves. If we become disregulated, it's
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: not going to work. So we've got to be the adult.
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  Speaker 1: Even though they're trying to hit us they're three, the
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: reality is, yes, it hurts a little bit, but they're
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: not generally going to cause any significant damage either to
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: us or to property.
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  Speaker 2: I think the thing that parents get really scared of
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  Speaker 2: is my child's hitting me at three, They're going to
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: still be hitting me at fifteen. They're still going to
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: be hitting me. You know, and become violent.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they will grow out of it, especially if you
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: set clear limits. So be regulated, be the adult the
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: note that's not okay. But you can also then redirect them.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: So distraction and redirection are the answers. Like you said, movement,
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: doing some drawing.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: Maybe they want to hit a pillow, Like, if they
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: really want that punching kind of motion, then give them
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: a punching pillow or a punching bag.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: I don't like that one. I mean, people can make
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: up their own minds. I don't like the one because
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: it's still it normalizes the act of hitting as an
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: outlet for aggression or frustration or dysregulation. And I'd rather
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: redirect it into something else that can be physical. But
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: perhaps that's less violent, because if it.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: Is okay, if you're making a bigger deal of it
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: than it needs to be. I think that it's a
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: completely appropriate way to let off some steam. Maybe did
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: we should do a smashroom for toddlers?
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: How good would that bee? Put the helmet on, put
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: the gloves on, let's go. There are a couple of
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: other things to keep in mind. To bear in mind
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: here high emotions, long intelligence, so as so long as
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: the kids know they're not allowed to hurt people of property.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: I'm probably not too bothered about what they're doing. It's
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: really about that distraction. And I also think once they've
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: calmed down, we want to have I'm constantly emphasizing the
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: three is of effective discipline. What do you need right now?
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: If you can't give them what they need right now
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: because they're so disregulated that you can't communicate, wait till
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: they've calmed down and then problem solved. There was clearly
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: an unmet need there. What are we going to do
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: next time? And with rehearsal, I mean you're not going
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: to get their first first go.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: And not with a three year old. It's it's going
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: to take a long time.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Like you look at how long it takes to
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: learn to tie up shoelacers or learn how to write
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: their name, learn to walk. Regulating emotions is way harder
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: than any of those things. But on repeat, what are
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: we going to do next time that happens? We failed
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: that time? What did we agree on? So? What can
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: we do next time? How can I remind you? On repeat?
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: Lots of empathy, lots of perspective taking, lots of conversation,
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: around this, and by the time they're around about I
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: don't know, thirteen fourteen, they usually will have stopped it
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: just in time for the next brain explosion, which will
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: kick it off for again.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: You're not making anyone feel very good right now. You
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: know one of the other techniques that's so powerful, And
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: I remember reading somewhere it's not enough to do it
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: in the moment. You actually have to practice with your
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: kids when they're calm. Yeah, yeah, but breathing is so powerful,
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: teaching your children to take some deep breaths when they
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: feel like all of that pent up energy is about
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: to explode out of them.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: I remember that time when Emily was probably about four
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: or five and she was having the biggest dummy spit.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: She had been violent, she'd been throwing things and kicking,
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: and I took it to her bedroom and said, I'm
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: going to stay with you unless you kick me out.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: But I know that you're really angry right now and
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: we need to work through this. And she jumped on
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: the bed hit under the blankets and starting it and
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: just being a white animal under the blankets. And we
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: did that grounding technique, the five four three two one
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: grounding technique and she did not want to do it.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: I said, I, reckon, even under the blankets, there's five
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: things you can see. Tell me five things you can see.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: And she's screamed and she said, no, I'm not doing it.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: And I said, well, I reckon, if I was under
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: the blanket with you, I'd be able to see. And
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: I five things the hair on her arms, her knee
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: sticking into her chin because of the way she was sitting,
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: the sheets, and so on, and then four things you
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: can feel, and I talked her about how I could
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: feel it getting hot under there, and I could feel
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: the sheets rustling against my arm and so on. And
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: then three things that you can hear. And I said,
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: can you tell me three things that you can hear?
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: And she said no, And I said, I bet that
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: if you did tell me, you could hear your breathing.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: You're heavy, angy breathing, and you could hear my voice,
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: and maybe you could hear the sheets rustling. And then
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: I said, work about two things you can smell? Can
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: you tell me that? And I could feel I could
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: hear her calming down, and she said, I'm not telling
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: you what I can smell. And I said, I reckon,
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: you can smell your stinky feet under the sheets, and
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: she laughed and I was like, gotcha. And then one
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: thing you can taste, and then she told me what
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: she could taste. She gave me her standard answer, my spit,
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: and within a minute she was calm, and she climbed
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: out from under the sheets and she gave me a cuddle,
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: and then we had the chat what do we do
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: next time? Should we practice it now? And it was
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: so useful. Grunting techniques, breathing, distraction, drawing, physical activity, these
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: are the solutions to work through it, and then the
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: problem solving conversation comes later.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: So you've talked about all of these things that we
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: can do to help kind of work through it after
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: the fact, but there's a couple of things that we
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: probably just need to tap into to help kind of
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: prevent us from getting to that point. We talk about holts.
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: If we can make sure our children are fed, they're
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: not hungry.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: Not hungry, angry, landly title stress.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: We're kind of go a long way to actually preventing
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: having these major meltdowns. We're not going to be able
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: to stop it all the time. But I think that
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: food and sleep there are biggest contributors more times than not.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and connection. I mean sometimes kids are just lashing
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: out because they're bored. And keep your kids off screens
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: because they will often like shout when they can't have
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: a screen. And frankly, if your child is under three,
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: your kids don't need screens. The reason they've got screens
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: because they're convenient for us, not because they're good for
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: the kids. We need to wrap that up there, otherwise
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: we're going to turn this into a full length seminar.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: The Happy Families Podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Memhammits provides research, amin and additional support and
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: if you would like more resources to help your little
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: people and their big feelings, we're going to link to
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: our Little People Big Feelings webinar in the show notes.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: It will make a world of difference when you're dealing
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: with your kiddos and their big moments. If you need
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: the pod, thanks so much for listening, Have a wonderful,
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: wonderful day, and we will be back tomorrow to talk
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: about how we can filter apps for a phone or
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: whether we should just trust our child. It's a tricky question.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: On the Happy Families Podcast tomorrow we'll talk to you,
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: then