Latest / Voices for Voices® / I Confronted My Greatest Fear In Addiction Recovery | Episode 114

Transcript

I Confronted My Greatest Fear In Addiction Recovery | Episode 114 · Voices for Voices®

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Voices for Voices TV show and podcast.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: I am your host and founder of Voices for Voices, justin Allen Hayes.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: If you could do us a big favor of hitting that subscribe button, the like and share, that will help us reach more people towards that goal of reaching that and helping three billion people over the course of my lifetime and beyond.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: So Voices for Voices is the number one ranked podcast and TV show where people turn to for expert mental health recovery and career advancement intelligence.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: So our TV show and podcast is all about teaching you insanely actionable techniques to help you prosper, grow your self-worth and your personal brand.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: So if you're a high achiever or know somebody who wants more out of life, whether mentally, physically or spiritually, please make sure you subscribe to our podcast right now.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: As you can see, the Voices for Voices TV show and podcast publishes episodes that focuses on case studies, real-life examples, actionable tips and ended trenches, reports and interviews from subscribers just like you.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: If that sounds like something that could help you or somebody you know grow professionally or personally, then please join me by subscribing.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: What we're going to talk about today at the outset, is we've been receiving feedback from our subscribers, our listeners, our viewers, and so we just want to touch base on one particular topic, kind of here at the outset to get things kicked off.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: Some of the feedback we've received is that some of our viewers or listeners look at this TV show and podcast and me as merely a host of hosting the show.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: And while that is the case, I am personally going through recovery of myself for years of alcohol abuse, as well as hitting rock bottom mental health-wise ending up in one of the psych wards for five days to be diagnosed with major depressive disorder, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and so wanted to just share that again from the outset.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: More about my story, because each episode obviously it's very different, different topics, different guests.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: We may not jump into every bed or even pieces of my experience or my story, but what we have done is, on episode 106 that's now titled History, his Story, lived Experience of Justin Allen Hayes, one of our previous guests.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Stacy Hayes interviews me and we would walk through from childhood to the current day with my story to be able to share and to be able to relate.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: So this is something being a host I loved on and being able to share my experience and to help others and give that platform and share with as many people as we can.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: And so just to kind of again keep it real, I just had a visit the other day, so we'll like zoom completely in.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: But after you know going to see a psychiatrist or really any doctor for any matter you are given a printout at the end of your visit.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: And so when I just mentioned major depressive disorder, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, those were things that just yesterday, the day before, are taping, that are still current in myself, in the eyes of my doctor, my psychiatrist.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: So again, I'm a human being, I'm living the recovery story and just feel that this is maybe one of my callings to be able to help not only again share my story but help others share theirs.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: And again, we look forward to sharing again those actionable tips, those tips that you can take away after watching a couple minutes of an episode and say, okay, I can take this particular tip or that or this refreshes my mind, or I went through an experience late like that.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: So to jump into the topic for this episode, we're going to talk about fear, and fear manifests itself in many different ways and depending on how old we are and different situations we're in.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: So, growing up, fear could be being left out from a friend's birthday party.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: I wasn't invited to my friend's birthday party.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: I thought we were friends, and so that whole fear is like is something wrong with me, why didn't I get invited?
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: For me, one of the things that manifests itself in fear was playing baseball, so a sport that I love to play.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: Growing up and I was, let's say, a pretty good baseball player growing up and freshman year in high school, I played multiple positions, pitching a first base left field, center field, right field and so I was used to catching fly balls, pop-ups, grounders, and so for many years and there was one game specifically that I remember that I was playing right field the pitcher pitched a ball on our team, so we're on defense.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: The hitter took a swing, popped up, came towards me in right field, and so I camped under the ball, thinking I was in a good position.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: The ball came down and I squeezed my glove too early.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: The ball ricocheted off of my glove and onto the ground.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: So that may seem like a maybe a minor thing, a minor roadblock, and you know well, just get back at it again.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: For some reason that particular event really led to fear.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: As I continued to play ball, because I, for each success of you know pop-up or grounder, or if I'm at bat, you know, worrying about striking out, and all those things that come to mind, just in a spore, I was just very, very afraid that I hope they don't hit the ball to me next time, because what if I drop it again?
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Or what if I, you know, miss the grounder and it goes?
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: You know, the ball goes underneath my glove, or what if I strike out at a crucial part of the game?
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: And so those, those were things that were manifesting themselves into, into fear, and then those really translated into the classroom too, that I felt that my you know, personal relationships with would be friends or teammates that I was playing ball with, that they were judging me like, oh, we don't, we don't want to invite Justin to the party or get together or what have you, because he dropped that ball.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Now, that's totally, you know, looking back hindsight, it's totally not a a sound way of looking at at things, but that was a fear that really never left my self mentally.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: So, again, from a sport doing really well for multiple years, have an event or two happen and then the fear really starts coming in with everything I do.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: Then I start again test anxiety and as a as an instructor now at Walsh University, teaching 10 years, I I understand, and as being a student myself, that there just ends up being anxiety around tests or projects, especially, you know, giving presentations.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: You know giving a presentation in front of people, especially people you don't know or you think they're really just focused in on you, is one of the most feared things you know, along with you know dying and and those types of things.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: So to be able to do that, to be able to stand up and and to share my experiences with you and the experiences of of our guests, I I take, you know, great, I'll say, pride, but it's really an honor to be able to have the opportunity to to do this, because not everybody is afforded the opportunity so want to want to want to share again it's real down to earth stories as possible.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: So, taking that fear into, you know, those personal relationships in high school I end up hanging out with maybe I call it outcasts, or those that are secluded from the popular cliques, the popular groups of people you know found myself in I don't wanna say risky behavior by trying to do things we were not supposed to do, right?
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: So, oh, I'm under 21, so let's see if we can find somebody to purchase alcohol for us, or let's find a way to get high, or whatever that term is.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: And those were things that I don't know if those would have happened to me without kind of the preceding reputation that I was manifesting in my own mind, but that's what was happening.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: I was surrounding myself with people that were not, I would say not, the best to hang around, and so I found myself, as you'll hear in episode 106, and as throughout we go through our episodes at different times talk about taking way too many Kolenkoff medicine pills and myself ending up in the hospital for several days with social workers coming in, thinking I was trying to commit suicide because I was taking so many of them.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: And in my mind it was just competition of a healthy competition well, a unhealthy competition where, oh my friends taking this many, so I'm gonna take that many.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: And over a course of three to four weeks we just started to increase and it got really out of control.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: Luckily I made it to the hospital in time because the amount that I ingested, if a period of time would have passed then my organs started to shut down.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: So that was obviously scary time in my life and it was scary and fearful to see my parents and have them at the bedside of their son.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: We think, or I guess I think, as a son or a daughter having parents, that the parents should be in theory passing away before the children.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: And for myself to put my parents through that self-induced, because I did it myself, it wasn't a car accident where somebody ran a red light and hit me, or either in a tragic plane crash or multiple other things that could have happened, but I did that to myself and it was very tough to see.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: But nonetheless it didn't stop my reckless behavior.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Just as I started to mature in the lightest way because I was maturing age-wise but not really mentally and socially until in my 30s when I hit that rock bottom.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: But really the cold and cough pills, the over-the-counter option, versus now, when I turn 21, I'm allowed to legally purchase alcohol.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: So then the basically the substance of choice really switched to alcohol.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: Now I didn't drink every single night, but the nights that I did Thursday, friday, saturday it was a couple hours before going to a bar, sometimes, again, risky behavior of driving while intoxicated, which is not right, it's against the law.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: So I should not have been doing that, or even riding with somebody knowingly.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: And so I was putting myself in more and more risky behavior and risky situations.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: And I was doing it, I believe, out of fear of wanting to fit in that oh, if I didn't drink I wouldn't fit in around this particular group of people.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: Because in my mind in college I wanted to think that I grew and going from the secluded friends to the in-crowd or the high performers that are doing well in class and want to be friends and to have as connections, the longer we would go through the years of our life, that we could maybe reach out to friends that we had in the past.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: So that was my very flawed thinking.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: And so as that progression goes on, that fear just continued to build and to manifest.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: And then the cliche of the FOMO, fear of missing out If I don't do this then I'm gonna be missing out on this particular party, this particular chance to meet somebody today in those types of things and those types of things were in my mind and it was very prevalent of well, if I don't do this then and if I miss out, then there's never gonna be an opportunity again.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: And what I know from now, standing in front of you and listening on the audio version, is that many times not all times, but many times we're given a second chance, where that's reconnecting with a friend or somebody you went to school with, and so those types of events do come back around eventually not all of them again, but some of those really do come around, and so that, at the age of now is 42, able to see how, by me, changing my behavior has been helpful.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: But again, outside of this episode, wanting to make sure that you know, and your friends and your colleagues and your loved ones and everybody who is a part of the voices for voices, growth and movement that I am going through your active recovery every day is a battle.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: It's easy to say, oh, you haven't taken a drink in so many years, and that's just easy.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: You just don't do that Well if you hang out with friends and family and you're going on different business trips and sometimes you end up in places that sell alcohol and you end up in at tables with friends, family, coworkers that they are, they're ordering.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: Do we have a drink order.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I like a Bud Light, I like a Long Island Ice Tea, I like a glass of Chardonnay, and then it comes to me and I'm like, okay, well, I'll take water with ice or sparkling water.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: So that was a big fear of mine at the outset of recovery Seven years ago.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: Coming out of the hospital was going back into those situations of being comfortable saying no to the drink that I could have ordered.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: But then also, what about the people?
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: What about the friends and coworkers?
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: Do they know my background?
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: What have I shared?
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: What do I feel comfortable sharing?
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: So that fear is there too, like, okay, I got through the drink order and now it's gonna be like, oh, I thought you liked to have a couple drinks, or I remember this about you, and so that had been a big fear of being in those situations, not just making the choice an alcoholic drink or none, but then talking to others and sharing my story of things that I've gone through.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: The long road.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: That still is what we call life, and that's where my book comes in, the House of you Prescription for Living.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: And so you may have seen this particular book on prior episodes.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: You can find it on Amazon, audible electronic versions.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: But what this is is a manifestation of my mental health, mental illness journey.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: So much like episode 106 is talk about childhood all the way up to getting to the start of recovery.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: So fear came in there.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: And what do I mean by fear?
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: Like, oh yeah, well, you can just write a book and then you make money and that's the route.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: Well, that is the case, I guess.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: First and foremost, a book that sells for $10 on Amazon, the author makes $350 off of it.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: So it takes a heck of a lot of books to make a living off it.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: So the reason I put this together was met with my therapist again back kind of at the beginning in the 2017, early 2018.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: And he knew I had written a previous book for the workforce and the career-oriented individuals and he had asked you know well, have you thought about putting together a book about your mental health journey?
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: So then fear came into my mind.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Like, oh my gosh, share with people that I don't even know.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: Now, not only am I going to be judged by you know, maybe friends and family members that up until that point, very few knew kind of the real story of why it was in the hospital.
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: So there was that fear of, oh well, here I'm going to have this publication, now they're going to read it and be like, oh, you know, justin lied and we can't trust him.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: And then, as well as sharing with people locally here in some Northeast Ohio, some county in Northeast Ohio, and then across the world, with it being offered, you know, in the different marketplaces, and so that was a huge fear that I had to get over as well, of, okay, it's a decision time.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: Do I do it?
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: I don't have to.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: But a little bit of that fear of missing out kind of creeped in again.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: Well, if I don't, then what could have happened?
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: What type of potential speaking engagements or consulting opportunities could I potentially potentially have, and how many people could I potentially help by just opening up about me as a human being and to be relatable and have actionable tips, things that I do, and you know we talk about self-care, and so I dig into that which you know going to get a haircut, going to get a massage, taking a nap, whatever those self-care methods are to kind of help rejuvenate ourselves, because, again, we're not machines and we do need some downtime to reboot, to recharge, to recharge our phones or our watches, whatever we have.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: Same thing goes with our minds that we need to bring all that together and have some ways and means scheduled into our calendar that we're able to go ahead and do things again for ourselves and not worry about the fear of the other people.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: You know the they's out there, whoever they are.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: You know, judging us for whatever reason and that is another big fear that I have is being judged, and I've had to take a step back and think of.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: You know, the most popular person in the world.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: You know, celebrity-wise, entertainer-wise, no matter how popular, how many people like the person are following them on a particular social media platform, that there's going to be people that don't like those people doesn't mean they mean any harm.
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: Just means that you know, let's say, if it's a particular type of music, they might prefer different music.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: You know they might prefer classical music instead of alt rock, those types of things.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: And so we want to just be mindful of that, as we're kind of going through life, and to understand that.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: For me, to help guide and share with you as much of my experience with the things in Roblox that I'm coming up with and are coming up across.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: For example, I taught three classes yesterday.
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: All three classes, the computer in the classroom, so these are different classrooms, each of the three computers, so different computers.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: All had tech issues and we also had a it was about five minutes where the electricity to the whole building went out and the backup generator started.
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: So, as an instructor sitting there going, okay, what do I do?
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: Like if we wait in our five minutes and the lights don't come on?
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: Do we just call it a day for class or do we wait?
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: And so fear and thoughts of you know what, if or what should I do?
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: We can think a lot of things through, but we can't think everything through.
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: So you know this episode being about fear.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: We need to just be a little bit more mindful of what fear is to us and if we're able to impact it in a positive way, of you're removing ourselves from a situation, you know, defriending somebody on, or on following somebody on social media, what have you?
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: You know, go ahead and do those things for you, because, as I found, and many people have found, that if we don't do things to kind of keep our health up, our happiness, then More than likely we're going to end up at a spot of some crossroads, of what should we do?
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: Is life worth living?
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: And that's kind of where I was in 2017, with removing myself from a ton of different situations and not realizing I was, I guess, suicidal because I didn't have a plan.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: But, luckily for me, the staff saw that I needed help and I got the help, and so the fear that I had I was able to work through and I was able to slowly start to learn ways to work through fear, and fear still strikes me.
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: It's not completely gone, but when it does come, I'm able and more times than not then 20 years ago able to be able to, you know, again take a step back and say OK, is this really going to be the end of this relationship, of having the opportunity to speak to this group of people?
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: Yes or no, we'll see.
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: So this is going to conclude this particular episode, but we're going to kind of go to a second episode that's going to follow.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: Follow this episode where, again, I want to go through some roadblocks and ways and tips to overcome them and overcome fear in certain situations.
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: So until next time, I'm Justin Allen Hayes, founder and executive director of Voices for Voices, and also in recovery.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: Please subscribe, like, share this podcast and TV show and until next time, please be a voice for you or somebody in need.