Latest / Tribe and Tribulations With Julia Makowsky / The Beauty of Choosing Each Other: How Our Differences Make Our Bond Stronger.

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The Beauty of Choosing Each Other: How Our Differences Make Our Bond Stronger. · Tribe and Tribulations With Julia Makowsky

0:00
If we weren't sisters, do you think we'd be friends?
0:02
Definitely now.
0:04
Maybe not in the early years.
0:06
Even though our personalities and our lifestyles
0:10
have gone different directions,
0:11
I need you more now than ever before.
0:14
Lauren is deeply religious, runs a Bay Siaco, has eight kids,
0:19
and then there's me.
0:20
We shared a room till the day Lauren got married.
0:23
That is true.
0:24
No, no, I'm not exaggerating the night before her wedding.
0:26
Lauren and I were still in the same bedroom
0:29
as life gets harder.
0:30
You need to lean on people you can trust.
0:34
And I think both of us have been burned by people.
0:37
Ultimately, family is the most important thing.
0:41
At least for me, when I am navigating
0:43
the relationship with you, nothing is off limits.
0:48
Today's episode is a personal one
0:50
and a little different than what we're used to
0:52
in tribe and tribulations.
0:56
I'm sitting down with my sister, Lauren.
0:58
My best friend, my confidant, and also someone
1:02
who lives life a little differently than I do.
1:06
We were raised in the same house
1:08
by the same parents with the same values
1:10
and somehow we ended up completely different.
1:15
Lauren is deeply religious, runs a Bay Siaco,
1:19
has eight kids, seven girls, one boy,
1:23
and is one of the most disciplined
1:24
and structured people I know.
1:27
And then there's me.
1:29
But what's really interesting about us
1:31
is that even though we're different,
1:34
it's that as time went on, we've gotten closer.
1:38
And I think a lot of that has to do with the fact
1:43
that we're raising kids and being in relationships
1:47
and realizing how much we actually need each other.
1:50
So welcome Lauren Feinberg to tribe and tribulations.
1:54
I'm so excited.
1:55
I'm so excited to have my sister here
1:57
because you get to see a different side of me
2:01
and only she knows who I am and what I've been through,
2:06
which is kind of why I'm a little nervous,
2:08
but please don't run out all my secrets, okay?
2:11
Definitely not, okay, fine.
2:14
You and I were raised in the same home,
2:17
but we probably weren't actually raised
2:22
in the same home if I'm being honest
2:24
because you and I are a few years apart
2:27
were four and a half years, but five grades.
2:30
And I know that sounds like why am I making the distinction,
2:33
but Lauren was out of the house by the time I was
2:36
in seventh grade.
2:38
So there is a lot of growth that happens between then
2:43
and different stages of life really matter
2:47
with how you connect to somebody.
2:50
What do you remember most about how we were raised?
2:53
Oh my gosh, well, I think one kind of mantra
2:58
that mom always said was that your sisters
3:03
and your best friend, your sister is your best friend.
3:05
So, and I think growing up,
3:09
being having such discrepancy with our ages
3:13
and our stages, that was such a foreign concept,
3:17
although she said it so often, literally every day.
3:20
And it was drilled into our minds.
3:23
It was hard to really believe that it would ever become true.
3:26
And however, as time went on,
3:30
we eventually caught up to each other
3:32
because the age gap narrows as we grew up.
3:37
And it's true, once I had children,
3:40
Julia was always there, you were always there for me
3:43
and like coming over, you weren't college
3:45
and I was married and having kids
3:48
and it was very overwhelming.
3:50
Also because you were, it was just the two of us.
3:54
And we're four and a half years apart.
3:56
I never grew up in a house as the eldest of many young children
4:00
and it was very overwhelming for me becoming a mother
4:02
for the first time and not only to one baby,
4:04
but to two babies, twin babies, twin babies.
4:07
And Julia was my second pair of hands.
4:09
Do I say Julia or do I say you?
4:11
Either one is fine, you.
4:14
And you were my second pair of hands so often
4:16
between classes, over the weekends,
4:20
you always came over and you helped me
4:21
and you spent time with the girls
4:23
and I was so comforting to have you there.
4:26
And I think it's true,
4:27
like there was a turning point in our relationship,
4:30
probably starting with your attending college
4:32
and in New York and living nearby
4:35
and then just being there all the time for me
4:37
that made us feel so much closer.
4:40
I think also for me at least,
4:44
we were also raised differently.
4:45
You're the oldest and I'm the baby.
4:48
And I think, A, I think the rules were different
4:51
for the two of us and I,
4:54
like you were the trial child,
4:56
but not really because I actually think
4:58
there was more attention on you.
5:00
Like we had our, you had our grandmother
5:02
like help raise you and my mother was like working
5:07
and figuring things out and my parents started working
5:09
actually for themselves as I was growing up.
5:12
So do you think that we were raised similarly
5:17
or do you think we had very different childhoods?
5:19
I think actually we were raised rather similarly
5:23
because of the spread,
5:26
because of the gap between us,
5:29
there was time to focus on me
5:32
and then there were times to focus on you
5:33
as our, as like only children.
5:36
Yeah.
5:37
I feel like we were raised more as only children
5:39
than older and younger.
5:40
Yeah, like mom and dad definitely had time
5:43
to focus on me.
5:44
I was the first child and they set up the rules
5:46
and I'm definitely like the first child
5:49
in the stereotypical way.
5:50
Like I take a lot of responsibility.
5:52
I think my way is the highway.
5:55
I know what's best for everyone
5:57
and sometimes she's right.
5:58
Yeah.
5:59
Right.
6:01
So I'm very assertive in that way,
6:03
not like in my personality,
6:05
but just in the family and making sure
6:07
that things get done.
6:08
And then also mom and dad were very much
6:12
like first time parents,
6:14
which we all experienced at one point in our lives.
6:16
But so not to say anything negative about that,
6:20
but only to say that they had a lot of focus on me
6:26
and setting up certain rules and expectations
6:29
and curfews, which I did not appreciate at the time.
6:33
And then once I would graduate at high school
6:37
and moved out of the house,
6:39
then the attention was solely focused on you.
6:41
So then you had that experience as an only child.
6:44
There wasn't the diversion,
6:45
the distraction of many young children
6:48
like running around and needing attention from the parents.
6:51
So I kind of think that we had similar experiences
6:54
for better or for worse.
6:56
It's interesting because we had also different challenges
6:59
growing up, meaning like Lauren didn't like the curfew aspect
7:04
and didn't like the rules,
7:06
even though she was like very structured.
7:08
And I did not care about the rules.
7:10
I was struggling more with like academics
7:13
and sort of figuring out my own path.
7:16
So my parents were like coming from a child
7:19
who excelled academically and was like very rigid
7:22
and structured and whatever.
7:23
And then I literally was spinning their heads
7:29
around in regards to school and figuring out
7:31
like who I want to be and what's my focus.
7:34
And they had, while they raised us similarly,
7:38
I actually think they had a lot of different challenges
7:41
between the two of us because we were not,
7:45
it wasn't like raising the same kid at all.
7:48
And I think now that we're parents,
7:50
we can really, at least I can really understand
7:53
that every child is very different,
7:56
very different personalities, very different needs.
7:59
And it creates its own set of fun exchanges.
8:04
Yeah, I think birth order and I think personality
8:07
and I think family dynamics and the parents' personalities
8:11
are all the variables that affect the outcome
8:15
of a child, of a person and development.
8:17
And you know, some, just as like you know,
8:22
you pick your friends and some personalities
8:24
click better with others.
8:26
So, you know, some parents have a more natural time
8:30
raising certain personalities that are bestowed upon them.
8:34
Each child, even if they have the best personality,
8:37
has their own set of challenges,
8:41
has his or her own set of challenges.
8:42
And I think it's, you know, up to the parents
8:46
to have to work through it and how they navigate it
8:49
really does make an impression on that child.
8:53
So, you have to get your stuff together.
8:55
It's really intense.
8:56
It's so hard.
8:57
I think parenting is really hard.
8:58
And now looking back, I can really like appreciate
9:00
mom and dad and go, ooh, they had a lot of work cut out
9:04
for them and we made them earn that title for sure.
9:08
Right, right.
9:09
You were always more type A and I was like more type BC,
9:14
D-E-F-G, and do you think that your discipline
9:18
and structure also helped with how you grew up
9:23
and created the person you are now?
9:28
Yes, definitely.
9:30
I think that I have natural tendencies
9:33
even just getting here today.
9:35
You know, like I'm focused on making sure
9:37
that everything looks right and I don't leave
9:40
like a tornado behind me as I'm getting ready.
9:42
Like I wanna leave things like just right.
9:44
So when I come back, it's not overwhelming.
9:46
I need my spaces to be clean
9:48
and I need my spaces to be ordered.
9:50
But I think I've evolved a lot as a person
9:52
through like in my type A-ness
9:55
and it's dialed down a whole lot and you know this?
9:58
Yes.
9:59
You know this a lot that I think first of all,
10:03
marrying my husband who is a whole different personality
10:06
than I am and knowing his like tendencies
10:10
in order to create and preserve a very happy
10:13
and healthy relationship you have to compromise.
10:16
So in time, I've kind of like dialed down
10:20
like I said my type A so much so that I'm like,
10:22
I don't even know who I am anymore in some capacities.
10:25
Like I used to always be on time
10:26
and now I'm like much more like fluid and I think
10:30
that you know for better or for worse,
10:33
that's just the reality of where I'm at in this stage
10:36
and I give people a lot of grace because I pray
10:39
and I hope that there'll be like generous
10:42
in terms of their grace giving abilities to me.
10:45
So you know I'm not as type A as I once was
10:49
but I still inside like I need order
10:52
and I need like space and I need privacy
10:55
and I need some boundaries and that's like never gonna change.
10:58
No, it's funny because I think we flipplopped a little bit
11:01
because I am like punctual penny.
11:03
Yes.
11:04
You cannot like I am five minutes early to everything
11:07
because it's like really and I think one of our biggest
11:11
points of contention as we got older was like
11:14
you need to be on time Lauren like hurry up what's going on
11:18
but I actually think that now that I'm a mom of children
11:21
that are multiplages going in 15 different directions.
11:26
I have toned down that aspect of like
11:28
needing everyone to be where they need to be on time
11:31
because things come up all the time.
11:34
Exactly and it's possible.
11:35
And I'm just like okay well like you have to be
11:37
on Lauren's standard time and like it's okay.
11:39
I'm perfectly comfortable with your telling me to be
11:42
there half an hour in advance of the time
11:43
actually should be there.
11:45
That's a good strategy and I'm owning it.
11:48
In addition to the fact that I've also come to learn in my
11:52
I don't know my adult hood and my adult hood
11:55
that you really can't judge a person
11:58
until you walk in their shoes.
11:59
Even if you think that you know you really don't know
12:02
and so you know I think that place of like Lauren
12:05
why aren't you on time are not showing up
12:07
and that was like a point of contention in our relationship
12:09
for sure even into adulthood initially only really lasted
12:13
for a finite period of time until you started having children
12:17
and realizing that it is chaos.
12:19
Yeah and you just do your best to model through it.
12:21
Your survival.
12:22
It's like literally survival mode at all times.
12:24
Like I would rather have like an hour more of rest
12:27
than like show up on time
12:29
because I'm barely operating on a full night's sleep anyways.
12:32
So just to say there's always like a cost benefit analysis
12:36
of like how like how much do I really care?
12:39
You know like how important is it is in the scheme of things
12:42
because really like I'm just trying to juggle.
12:47
Not that you asked but I'm going to volunteer
12:48
this information.
12:50
The former CEO of Pepsi was a woman for many years
12:53
and I don't recall her name now
12:56
but she had said something very profound that I felt
12:59
like I felt like touch by.
13:01
I was touched and I felt like it was a whole new paradigm
13:04
to consider in terms of like how I operate
13:07
my little organization, my household basically.
13:11
And that is we always hear that like life is a balance.
13:14
Life is a balance.
13:15
Life is a balance.
13:16
You know like don't eat too much.
13:17
Don't eat too like little.
13:19
Don't eat too much.
13:20
You have to find the balance to exercise
13:22
and all the things.
13:23
Okay we're card play hard.
13:25
I don't know.
13:26
But she was saying something totally different
13:29
but it's subtle and that is that there's no such thing
13:33
as a balance in life when you're a very busy woman
13:36
or a very busy person, high powered,
13:38
lots of writing on you.
13:40
Instead it's a juggle.
13:42
It's never a balance.
13:43
You're juggling so many balls
13:45
and it's just a matter of like keeping them all in the air
13:48
but it's not necessarily balancing them.
13:51
And it's very different
13:52
because a balance is more having like two things
13:54
which are weighing on a scale like against each other.
13:57
Yeah.
13:58
A juggle is like having so many more things
14:00
that you're trying to accomplish
14:03
and just making sure they don't completely fall on the ground.
14:06
And also I think that the juggling analogy is perfect
14:09
because at certain points,
14:11
certain things are higher up on your schedule
14:13
and your and level of importance to you than others.
14:16
Like that is the circle that goes up and down.
14:21
I want to talk a little bit about twofold, two things.
14:26
We're a little different when it comes to Hashgafa.
14:30
And I think that for a lot of people,
14:36
that would mean that you can't relate to each other.
14:40
You don't connect, you don't respect each other's choices.
14:45
And I think that that is so opposite.
14:48
She's crying and so am I now.
14:50
And now it makes you cry, why are you saying?
14:51
Speaking so seriously.
14:52
Like it's just for a lot of people
14:57
that's hard for them to connect
14:59
because your lifestyles look really different.
15:03
And I actually think that our dynamic
15:11
has improved because my own relationship
15:17
with Hashgafa has changed.
15:19
And I could relate to you more
15:22
because I understand how important it is to you.
15:26
God, why am I crying?
15:28
Because you're looking at me.
15:30
And I need ridiculous issues.
15:34
No, I don't need.
15:35
I'm okay.
15:36
We'll dry up.
15:37
What does being religious mean to you?
15:40
Oh, she needs it as you know.
15:42
I need issues.
15:43
Well, I also think that answer evolves in time
15:49
because people evolve in time.
15:51
They grow.
15:52
We're trying to grow.
15:53
That's the whole point of this world
15:55
just to try and work on ourselves.
15:58
I think there is so much work to be done
16:01
for each individual.
16:02
You really shouldn't spend any time
16:04
looking at other people and what they're doing.
16:06
So just like stay in your lane, people.
16:09
Stay in your lane.
16:10
And I think that's a very good practice.
16:13
I think it's harder answering this question
16:16
as it relates to raising children, however.
16:19
But in terms of your adult relationships,
16:22
stay in your lane and focus on yourself
16:24
and don't look at what other people are doing.
16:26
There is way too much criticism
16:28
and judgment of others.
16:29
And we need to stop that completely.
16:32
We have other people on the outside
16:34
who are looking to us,
16:35
who despise Jewish people
16:37
and you know, are looking to bring us down.
16:40
So we should not add to that.
16:42
We really shouldn't.
16:43
So I've never,
16:45
I've never felt any Iota of judgment towards you
16:49
and like whatever you're doing,
16:51
that's you.
16:52
That's between you and Hashem.
16:53
Like I have,
16:54
there's nothing to do with me.
16:55
Like I've worked on my own relationship with Hashem.
16:57
I remember when I was first married,
16:59
I had a whole like Hushka,
17:00
but like it's okay if I make a mistake
17:02
because Hashem loves me.
17:03
And my husband,
17:04
who's like a very different personality,
17:06
was like,
17:07
okay, but there's also Halacha.
17:09
Like there's two,
17:10
there's two sides
17:11
to serving Hashem.
17:13
There's like the side of serving Hashem through love
17:17
and then there's the other side of serving Hashem
17:20
because you fear him as your father.
17:22
So you know,
17:23
you have to have the gear.
17:24
You have to have the fear
17:25
and you also have to have the love.
17:26
So it's interesting that you bring that up
17:28
because I will say that
17:31
through my own like religious journey,
17:34
years ago,
17:35
I was like a snood wearing
17:38
externally religious,
17:40
but internally kind of void.
17:43
And I think that
17:47
when I recalibrated
17:49
and realized that
17:51
you use the word Yira as fear,
17:54
but I use the word as awe
17:57
because I think the difference is important
18:01
because I can be in awe of Hashem
18:05
and want to grow and improve.
18:09
But just like you have that fear of a parent
18:13
of repercussions because they love you so much,
18:16
that's how I look at Hashem.
18:18
Like I'm always trying to grow.
18:20
I'm always trying to move forward.
18:21
But if I have no real connection,
18:23
if I'm just doing things
18:25
because I'm doing them,
18:27
yes, there is an aspect of fake
18:29
until you make it
18:30
and like you're supposed to do that.
18:32
But maybe I'm not at that madreka yet.
18:34
Maybe I'm not there
18:36
and I don't want to go
18:38
five steps backwards
18:40
because I'm so upset or empty.
18:45
I want to be consistently moving forward.
18:48
And I think that
18:50
difference in the verbiage I guess here
18:54
matters because I want
18:56
Yiddish guy to be approachable for everyone.
18:59
And I want
19:01
Lauren's the goal, right?
19:03
Lauren's lifestyle for me at least.
19:06
Like,
19:07
she lives authentically as herself
19:10
and always has.
19:12
No matter where she was in life,
19:14
she always lives authentically as herself.
19:17
And I think that that is
19:20
one of the things I admire most about you
19:23
is because you never cared.
19:25
You were like,
19:26
this is who I am.
19:27
This is what I want to do.
19:28
I know I'm right.
19:29
And like really that's
19:31
that's truly
19:33
how you live your life.
19:35
And like I see it in
19:38
like how you align religiously
19:41
because you're like,
19:42
I'm a woman.
19:43
And I'm like,
19:44
how she says this,
19:45
but it's the 20 million
19:47
ruby in with their comments.
19:48
Also say X, Y, and Z.
19:49
And like I can't keep up with all that.
19:51
Like so,
19:52
I'm like,
19:53
how does everyone feel
19:55
and feel comfortable
19:56
and connect in a way
19:58
that's meaningful?
19:59
And you're like,
20:00
no, but truly I'm like,
20:01
we do this.
20:02
And I'm like, no, but what
20:03
how do you feel?
20:04
And you're like,
20:05
and it just goes to show
20:07
our different personalities
20:08
to a team.
20:09
You know,
20:10
it says about how you feel.
20:11
It's just this way you have to do.
20:12
Exactly.
20:13
And I think that there's
20:14
a sense of respect there.
20:16
Like you're like, no,
20:18
this is how you do it.
20:19
And this is whatever.
20:20
But there's no judgment,
20:21
which I think is also really important.
20:23
I was watching a clip.
20:24
I actually posted about it online today.
20:28
And a woman came off
20:30
very harsh online.
20:32
And it was such a turn off to me.
20:35
I was like, that doesn't
20:37
bring me like to want to be
20:39
close.
20:40
It makes me want to run away.
20:41
And I think one of the things
20:42
that you've
20:43
navigated really well,
20:45
and I admire,
20:46
is even though you're like
20:48
strict in halacha,
20:50
you're warm in how you approach it.
20:54
That it's,
20:55
you've always had this like,
20:57
an open table
21:01
with every different person
21:02
on the planet
21:03
at your shop is table.
21:05
And if you've lived
21:06
on the Upper West Side,
21:07
you have probably spent time
21:08
at my sister's shop is table.
21:09
She doesn't live there now.
21:10
But back in the day,
21:11
she really had 50 people
21:13
at a meal.
21:14
And from all walks of life,
21:15
they could have been
21:17
like,
21:18
khasidash,
21:19
they could have been,
21:20
not Jewish,
21:21
they could have been Jewish.
21:22
It didn't matter
21:23
where you were on the spectrum.
21:24
You were all welcome.
21:25
And I think that that,
21:26
I actually think
21:27
that mommy and daddy
21:28
instilled that in us,
21:29
for sure,
21:30
because we have strangers
21:31
at our table all the time,
21:32
all the time.
21:33
The West Wikihilla shout out,
21:34
which is where we grew up.
21:37
They used to stand up
21:38
at the end of school
21:39
at each office
21:40
and say,
21:41
if anybody doesn't have
21:42
a place for lunch,
21:43
please come to me
21:44
and we will find you a place
21:46
to go.
21:47
And I think that that was really
21:48
instilled in us
21:49
from a young age
21:50
where it's like your table
21:52
is always open to everyone.
21:55
And I think that I've also
21:57
taken that to heart
21:59
and I have what I like to call
22:00
the revolving door,
22:01
like literally,
22:02
anybody is welcome,
22:04
you can run in,
22:05
you can run out,
22:06
or you understand it
22:07
completely,
22:08
so there's so many times
22:09
of uncertainty.
22:10
So definitely,
22:35
So I think that that is like an important thing for me to add because if you're spending time washing your napkins like you know you're you know you're a certain level of fancy.
22:49
What do you think people misunderstand about your life?
22:54
I don't know that anyone cares about my life enough to misunderstand it to be honest but I think in general people I think people are very like make assessments of people very quickly.
23:11
So you know that's why they say you can only make a first impression once and you should be careful with how you present yourself but at the same time people should just be very open and understanding that like there's so many layers to each of us.
23:30
You know you don't you never really get the full picture okay unless you're a relative or a closed session.
23:36
Yeah like not every relationship is the same which leads me to my next conversation point.
23:44
We weren't always this close. We weren't we were in different phases of life and I also think like in general our heads were not in the relationship because we were focused on other things I think.
24:04
And whether that was us getting married or school or reason kids all these things and do you think that our dynamic has changed over time and why do you think that is I have my own answer but I want to hear from you.
24:24
Well our dynamic definitely changed over time I remember distinctly a baseball bat incident like mom almost like turn the baseball bat on me but I was like pointing it at you you don't remember that no no okay I was definitely very aggressive with Julia like admittedly and I'm sorry okay I really didn't like it.
24:44
There was a big personality clash because we were sharing a room for the majority of our childhood majority we shared a room till the day Lauren got married that is true.
24:54
No no I'm not exaggerating the night before her wedding Lauren and I were still in the same bedroom we didn't stay in a hotel we stayed in our childhood bedroom.
25:03
So yeah yes we shared a room and so because our personalities are very different and I'm you know like one of order and Julia's more free spirited you know that led to a lot of arguments over time so that was very stressful but it was all superficial.
25:21
Also it was a little hard because I felt like I never had space and like enough space with my friends coming over and my sister and I sharing a room and she was so much younger you know you're being so much younger than I was like this annoying little sister and I totally I could acknowledge it now I was like oh how annoying that like you were trying to talk about boys or whatever you were talking about never talking about boys what are you talking about.
25:41
Never and I was like what are you doing kind of thing like knocking on the door let me in right I was talking about school always school academics were very important to Lauren always yes okay anyways that being said so that was hard growing up because I just felt like there was a lot of the personality clash in a tight space no good doesn't make for close relationships.
26:05
What do they say good fences make good neighbors I think the same thing with children like separate rooms make better siblings yeah I would say but look not everyone has that luxury right you know it so that that was tricky okay and then growing up our relationship evolved I would say we've become so much closer even like I was maybe in the last like 15 years would you say.
26:34
I have been married 15 years so I would say yeah okay the last 15 years since you've been married yes definitely we've been closer again after both of us having children like that's definitely made for more understanding and like walking in each other's shoes I don't know I just I think Julia you have a very very good way about you you're very approachable and very open and fun and you can laugh at yourself and everybody wants to be around someone else that they feel good.
27:04
Good spending time with and you're like that person you just make every every interaction and every like experience together feel very organic and just like not too serious and fun and I think a lot of family family relationships can be strained because there isn't that good grace that people have for each other they're like more judgmental and they're like trying to one up each other and I've seen that a few times in that I find that a lot of the same thing.
27:34
It's quite sad but you know what you can't you can't change other people you can only change yourself or you could say you know what no thank you look I just rather keep an arms length and that's also perfectly respectable.
27:44
I'm grateful however that because of your very easy going nature and your understanding of others and just like I probably the line of work that you do and seeing so much and helping others so much you have like an outward desire to help.
27:59
So that's like how you direct your interactions and like the way you schedule your day is very much other focused.
28:09
Like what a good person to have in your inner circle I mean like how lucky am I so I feel very fortunate in that way and so I think both like your career and your like maturing and getting married and me too.
28:26
My personal experiences in adulthood have definitely made for us to have a much closer relationship.
28:33
I a million percent degree but I also think that I actually think we grew closer as life gets harder you need to lean on people you can trust and I think both of us have been burned by people.
28:52
And I think ultimately family is the most important thing and at least for me when I'm like navigating the relationship with you nothing is off limits like I can share my innermost thoughts.
29:10
You know me inside and out and who I am outwardly is very different than who I am internally and a lot of people don't realize that I'm extremely shy and that's the biggest joke in the world.
29:26
I know I know you wouldn't think it but my parents are parents put us in like acting classes forever so I think like a little bit of that has rubbed off on how I can like turn it on and turn it off but I think because you really understand the nuance and know who I am internally.
29:46
It's made it a lot easier that I don't need to explain myself you also know my heart and where I'm coming from and we just want the best for each other.
29:59
There is no competition there is no like I think with other people with even with friends or whoever and I love my friends and I know you like you love your friends you have a best friend who's who's like a sister.
30:11
Shout out DD and but but I think that a lot of that is because I know that no matter what I say or what I do actually at the end of the day it doesn't matter doesn't matter because we have each other's back.
30:28
And I would go to the end of the earth to like be there for you and the kids and Danny and everyone around but I mean I that is my personality type but specifically to you and I think as time has gone on as I've gotten older.
30:45
I need my sister more I really need my sister more even though like our personalities and our lifestyles are there actually like even more so gone different directions I need you more now than ever before.
31:04
Like who am I calling 15 times a day my kids always laugh oh is that anti-loran in the phone I'm like yes it is always anti-loran on the phone because that's who I want to share my stuff with like it's just there is no baggage that's either too big or too small or that you can't carry for me or with me.
31:25
Yeah and I appreciate that a million percent a million percent I feel very fortunate and it's true I'm just happy that mom's mantra is actually manifesting in reality it's coming true and I think mom I hope you're really proud of us.
31:38
We've come a long way come a very long from baseball bats to you know bedroom bedroom wake up so I mean just yesterday this is true it's such a funny incident I thought Julia came into town and I was she called to say she was downstairs
31:54
downstairs and I said oh come up in my bed I just had the baby and you know I was getting ready and I was just getting ready in the sense I was opening my eyes.
32:02
And I thought my husband had left already for sure until Julia's sitting on my bed talking to me and I'm still waking up and all of a sudden my husband comes out of like another door and he was like hi like what's going on here.
32:16
And I froze and literally froze because like even though like we're very close and I'm very close to my brother in law I'm not like hop into the bed kind of close to anybody.
32:27
Like barely I don't even hop into the same bed as my husband like we should we have separate so it's like hi but it was like so funny.
32:36
Yeah it was so cute so anyways we're very close and I'm super grateful to have that with you oh my gosh I don't know what I would do.
32:45
I also don't know what I would do for real. Do you think our differences actually make us better for each other now?
32:55
Yeah for sure. I guess a million percent I think you know we've had thinking about this recently.
33:07
We've had similar experiences similar negative experiences at different times in our lives and we've approached it so differently.
33:17
Like I think in general I handle things more quietly behind the sand and you tend to like air it all out and like you know use your instincts and your intuition in order to get like to come to some sort of question.
33:36
It's a really nice way of putting it but I'm impulsive is what she's saying.
33:41
No I don't think I mean you know if the shoe fits yeah.
33:46
I'm not saying that but it's really amazing that we do approach a similar situation so dramatically different and I think that helps because then I can say Julia what do you think about this?
34:01
Because we are coming from totally different places and it's healthy and helpful to hear your perspective on how to approach a scenario that I would maybe attack in a different way.
34:14
So I value your opinion and weighing in on your and the differences that we probably have.
34:22
I actually think you're so right because even just like based on our like clothing choice I always used to say like I'm target your Chanel like just the way we like.
34:32
I want like color and create it's funny because you used to be like sparkles and like all the things and I used to be like all black everything.
34:43
And I think like that shifted also yeah just like your little more pastels yeah and I am a little more red totally totally and I think that that also.
34:55
It's the same way we approach like life and in general and it's good to have Lauren as a sounding board because and if you could all find yourself a Lauren.
35:03
Because she kind of reels me in a little when I'm like I want to fly off the handle and like lose my mind a little.
35:09
She's like really let's think about this pragmatically let's really figure out if this is going to work for you and what the outcome will be.
35:16
And I'm like who cares what the outcome is going to be like I'm going to emotionally figure it all out because I'm just going to air it out to the world and everyone's going to see who I am.
35:26
But I think that as I've gotten older you've really rubbed off on me in that capacity and people could probably see that online also that what once was like the minute I felt something I would say it out loud.
35:41
Now I take a beat and I'm like okay is this necessary to share with the claw or is this something I always you talk about like the balancing act.
35:51
I always way like is this going to help somebody else or am I just ranting because I'm angry.
35:58
And I and I think like you really taught me that you're like okay what's the cost benefit analysis and I love that.
36:05
Yeah but that's very mature of you look at me at 35 years old and only took 35 years.
36:10
It only took 35 years really that's so good.
36:14
I know we spend our whole lives like we're just a work in progress this whole time that we're down here.
36:19
I mean it's just we have to also give ourselves a little room to breathe in and like acknowledge that we've made.
36:26
We've grown her way for growth.
36:29
Yeah some people don't don't want to do that it's not part of their practice they just feel like they're cooked.
36:35
Yeah.
36:36
But it's not it's not our way it's not the Jewish way.
36:39
No it's not the Jewish way and I think that that's the best part like we literally haven't written into our Torah about not judging others.
36:46
And and very few people in other like places and whatever like wow look at so aligned with our value system speaking of not being judgmental.
37:00
How do you create respect for one another when we could be so different in every capacity because I think we've really maintained that level of respect especially like listen your kids are teenagers.
37:14
Right so there's like different level of what their needs are and whatever it is and Lauren will ask me my opinion on something and what I would do for my kids is not the same what you would do for your kids because we have.
37:26
Even though our values align they're different.
37:29
Hush gaffically and things like that and I always feel like at least for me I respect what angle and view you're coming from and I'm like okay that's not going to work for your kids.
37:41
Here's what I would do but I think for your kids you need to do it this way.
37:45
How do you think.
37:48
We've managed to have that like respect even though we're so different.
37:53
I think because you really honed in on your profession and your craft.
37:58
You know you have years now like probably over decade 13 years 13 years working counseling other people so you know just as like Robin and they when they're asked Shilas they know the people who are asking those Shilas and given answer according to Allah.
38:16
And also in step with who is asking the Shilas so like.
38:21
It's tailor made similarly that's how you work in your profession you know so you can understand who your client is or who's asking the question and seeking advice and then tailor it to who they are and like their family so.
38:38
That's very good but I don't think that's a natural thing it takes quite a while to have to I'm sorry to refine it may be a natural thing for some but maybe not everyone and it does take time and you really I think the respect stems a lot from.
38:55
From seeing you as a professional and all the help and good work that you're giving to others like that's one element not the only one but there's just it's just so amazing I feel so proud to see my younger sister so successful and like really fulfilled from her work and just thriving as a person so I love that and I admire you and I and I deeply respect you.
39:23
Oh that's really nice and coming from you that's like the really the highest level of compliment because Lauren runs and started Montessori basic of in Manhattan and it's her pride and joy and baby like it's number nine shield of her children for real.
39:41
And she understands people in a way that no edge no formal education could ever give to anybody and I think that's also one of the things that I'm so I hone I try to emulate because you're so good at that like you really are this like warm human being like it doesn't.
40:05
People are like is that real is that really how she is I'm like yes it's really how my sister is like she's just this warm fun awesome person and like people might feel like oh she's so serious because like she's the headmistress of a school she's not so serious like I mean don't repeat that to the world she is very serious.
40:27
But she's so fun and like the best sport and so kind and warm and I don't think that is something you could teach to people.
40:39
I think working with children requires that you have a lot of openness and love in your heart you have to start with your heart when it comes to children and you can't like start with your mind it has to come from here.
40:53
And the whole point in starting the school together with my husband was to reach children in a very meaningful way and so that they have a fulfilling experience day in day out when they go to school that they're learning a ton.
41:11
For us that's very important and number two that they feel seen and heard and not just like their mind are being developed but that their whole person is being developed and it requires a lot more energy in this capacity if you were going to educate in a monastery way which we believe firmly as like the premier way to reach children.
41:35
Because you're not just like reading your curriculum and delivering it okay and then like leaving when your period is finished it is not that way whatsoever you have to really think so deeply about your each student while at home and you know prepare your lessons accordingly and you know diversify like what what is being taught and like just see each student as a person.
42:03
Yeah which is such a nice thing I sent to like a mainstream school so it's a little it's another difference between the two of us because it's completely different learning style a completely different thing and I see so much benefit from the kids that come out of your school and honestly they're they're doing great like you're doing great work because I see the end results and I'm like wow I'm so impressed can I ask you.
42:30
Do you think that being family is enough to connect somebody or do you think that like it's there should be limits meaning like is familiar relationship and love enough.
42:50
No it is not enough it is not enough and just because your family doesn't mean you have to be close I think one shouldn't subject oneself to you know toxicity or harm just because then there's like an excuse because they're family.
43:06
No like if a person isn't quite whole or if a person is mistreating you know other family members that doesn't mean that they should have like you know open season to like you know prey on on family absolutely not no you have to really like work at all your relationships.
43:24
Yeah all our relationships even if their family probably you have to work on them but if it's not working I think it's okay to say love you like you don't need to subject yourself to any sort of abuse or like a weird dynamic that makes you feel uncomfortable or like takes over your thoughts and your life like lie well that's the thing with like instilling appropriate boundaries and I think that's one thing like you and I really align on is.
43:54
This idea that like you need to have boundaries in your life with everybody and not like keeping people at an arm's length like we we embrace people but you need to know your limits and you need to know what works for you and what doesn't work for you and actually you taught me that you really really are so good about it you're like no that doesn't work for me and that's that and I'm like how does she do that and I really like.
44:17
I channel use sometimes when I'm like instilling boundaries I'm like okay Lauren would say that and but I want to say like to that point it's yes I know I'm a very I've always been a very self aware person since the time I was born like to the time I can remember I've always known myself and know what I've needed and I've been like communicative about it but also in a very pleasant way I try to be very pleasant and not in like because very type a people are often said.
44:47
stereotype as like you know rigid cold and direct and I don't I hope that I do not come off that way whatsoever because I do think and appreciate warmth in others and that's the way I want to be treated and I want to give off warmth and I love children and I love people and I think I'm I'll give you an example like I try to give a lot of grace to others.
45:10
Just before we were came here I got a phone call from school about a parent who was coming into school and she wasn't anticipating to come in so last minute her child wasn't feeling well and she needed to to come in and the teacher the head teacher had asked me you know since we're having parent observations later for the children would it be possible like should the mom like go home and change or is it can she come as she is and I was like you know what like there it's kind of like we have to treat each person with the
45:40
respect and courtesy and the fact that she even asked the question whether she should go home quickly before coming to school like she didn't have time she was her child was through up feeling well feeling well through up and needed to change and she just like wasn't going to make it back and forth in time so like should she miss the parent observation certainly not like the fact that she asked and wanted to be respectful was her heart in the right place absolutely so I'm just saying like I think there needs to be more gray.
46:09
In like just in life there needs to be more gray life is not black and white and even though I think naturally my brain goes is it like black or is it white is it yes or is it no in time I've evolved as a person to understand that there like life is more gray than it is any like black and white.
46:29
That my friends is why my sister is the best yeah like no joke just be nice just be nice exactly I'm like nice the mantra I live by like just be normal and nice and if someone keeps you waiting 10 minutes don't get upset and if someone like you know you need to reschedule don't get upset and you know what because guess what you're going to have to reschedule at some point to and you're going to have like a like I'm
46:50
forcing yeah you're going to have an unforeseen circumstance and you're going to help and pray that it's not going to like upset someone just be kind if we weren't sisters do you think we be friends definitely now maybe not like you know in the early years yeah maybe not in the earlier I mean maybe if we weren't sharing a room I would actually don't think we'd be friends I don't think we'd like even be in the same circles I'm not going to lie those were really hard times you heard yours I just heard yours yeah
47:20
so yeah okay like ask that question every like decade you know yeah exactly and I actually think that like I'm glad we weren't so close then because it really showed me how lucky I am now to have you no because it like really made me appreciate like oh my gosh I'm so lucky I have the sister dynamic and I'm a little sad for my own daughter who doesn't have a sister thank god she is like 800 gritty cousins but there's nothing
47:50
like a sister relationship there really is nothing like it so I'm going to end with a little bit of rapid fire questions if that's okay okay okay she doesn't do rapid fire but we'll see how that works okay who's more judgmental you or me you obviously who's more open minded you yeah I don't know how it's like the same thing that I can be judgmental and more open minded but here we go I have an answer to that okay I'm running rapid fire already I think the fact that you're judgmental I think I'm going to have an answer to that I'm going to have an answer to that okay I'm running rapid fire already I think the fact that you're judgmental
48:20
okay fine like you say someone up quickly and open minded is more like you can hear another side to the story or like a perspective more opening easily who would last longer in each other in the other person's lifestyle
48:36
you would last much longer in my life not a chance you are running she is running a full fledged like Fortune 500 company in her household like there's a thousand different people going a thousand different directions and she's like managing it all I would I would crumble into the pressure crumble so okay okay who do you think has a harder life you actually think we're blessed thank you I actually think we're blessed that we're not
49:06
that we're living a beautiful lifestyle each of us and like our life is good and I'm grateful for everything that we have
49:14
yes I mean I just don't think our life is so hard I think that it's complex but I think everyone's life is complex
49:21
yeah who gets better advice you okay that's true you tall is like all of the above you okay and last one
49:33
what's one thing that most people online don't know about me or wouldn't know about me okay um I think that people don't know that you are very sensitive so you're
49:49
very sensitive you come off pretty like strong and tough but there's like a real person in there there's a real
49:57
person with feelings deep inside so be kind yeah I'm very sensitive I'm really empathetic which
50:03
can tell which actually lends itself to being like open to getting hurt often and I am really sensitive
50:11
I'm shy and I'm sensitive and it makes no sense because it's not who I am outwardly but it's not a
50:16
fakeness I'm not trying to like present as a different person than I truly am but I do think that
50:24
I I want I'm a cactus is what I like to call myself slash what I tell a lot of my clients is that
50:32
you're prickly on the outside but inside you're like like warm and full of water and no one expects to
50:39
be like mush inside and that's me yeah um I think that it's easy in this day and age with podcasts
50:47
and social media where you're really talking like it seems like you're talking to no one or to one
50:52
person but really then it's broadcast to like thousands of people yeah millions of people I'm our
50:57
millions of people um whereas you know in the olden days when you would have to like be present at like
51:07
an event a social event and then hold a crowd of you know five or seven people standing around
51:13
chatting and like one person's doing the talking and holding the conversation like that's a skill
51:18
and that's a personality and you know I think people would like to think that those are the same
51:23
personalities as like the podcast person it's not yeah it's not the same person I've learned to like
51:30
hone that skill I actually think our mother is the like you and mommy are the queens of like
51:36
working a room and it's pretty impressive and I have learned that like okay I'm going to channel
51:43
them and be extroverted in this moment even though I'm like totally an introvert and I have actually
51:48
been challenging myself to like go over to random people I did it this morning at your like like
51:53
where you live I was like walking over to random people because I think that it's important to have
51:58
that skill so thank you for teaching me that and thank you for being here because you are the
52:02
best and I love you and I'm obsessed with the fact that I get to do this with you so thank you
52:09
I love you thank you you're the best you're the best you're the best be nice to her do the likes
52:13
like subscribe and share is what my husband likes the same right