Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #194 Kylie Quits

Transcript

#194 Kylie Quits · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now, I guess every decision has a price, and when
0:14
Speaker 2: I weighed up the cost of trying to juggle everything,
0:18
Speaker 2: the cost was just too high.
0:21
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
0:24
Speaker 1: and dad.
0:25
Speaker 3: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson here with my wife
0:27
Speaker 3: and podcast partner, missus Happy Families, Kylie. I'm the author
0:30
Speaker 3: of six books about raising happy families, and we between well,
0:33
Speaker 3: between us, we have pro created six times. We have
0:37
Speaker 3: six daughters in our family, and we do our best
0:40
Speaker 3: to be happy.
0:41
Speaker 2: You know, our kids would be rolling their eyes right
0:43
Speaker 2: now if they heard you say.
0:44
Speaker 4: That we've pro created six times. I actually can't believe that.
0:49
Speaker 2: I think it's only being six times.
0:51
Speaker 1: You know.
0:52
Speaker 3: Just the other day, I was doing some learner driving
0:56
Speaker 3: stuff with one of our children, who happens to be
0:58
Speaker 3: on her l's and she asked me the question. She said, Mum,
1:02
Speaker 3: it's her dad, She said, Dad. So I'm nervous even
1:05
Speaker 3: talking about this. She said, Dad, do you because you
1:07
Speaker 3: and mom are kind of old now and you've already
1:09
Speaker 3: had six kids, do you guys still have you know much.
1:13
Speaker 4: And then and then she sort of whispered.
1:15
Speaker 3: Sex, and I was like, Oh, I'm going to take
1:19
Speaker 3: a really big deep breath here and just talk about
1:22
Speaker 3: how relationships evolve and develop and how When.
1:25
Speaker 4: Did you answer the question?
1:27
Speaker 3: No, But what I did say is that when couples
1:32
Speaker 3: are really focused on pleasing one another, that they can
1:35
Speaker 3: enjoy a wonderful intimate life well into their seventies, eighties
1:38
Speaker 3: and maybe even beyond. I mean, we don't really know
1:40
Speaker 3: anyone beyond that jag. She just kind of nodded her head.
1:44
Speaker 3: I think she was processing, like, where on earth does
1:47
Speaker 3: this go from here? Anyway, We've got really a really
1:51
Speaker 3: important conversation to have this morning in this podcast, because
1:55
Speaker 3: a couple of weeks ago, we had a conversation about
1:58
Speaker 3: your new decision this year to kick off twenty twenty
2:01
Speaker 3: one with study. You're going to go back to school,
2:04
Speaker 3: going to make it all happen. Full of confidence made
2:07
Speaker 3: the decision as well.
2:08
Speaker 2: I wasn't actually full of confidence that can out of
2:10
Speaker 2: my brain.
2:11
Speaker 4: Fact, let's have a listen to what we said.
2:13
Speaker 2: I need to find ways that I can be creative
2:17
Speaker 2: in my space that enable me to fill joy and
2:22
Speaker 2: purpose outside of my role as a mum, because that's
2:26
Speaker 2: only one of my roles.
2:28
Speaker 4: Kylie has just enrolled in school.
2:30
Speaker 3: Kylie's going to go back to school next year, which
2:32
Speaker 3: hopefully we'll fill your cup but not empty house because
2:36
Speaker 3: because Kylie is going to become a florist.
2:38
Speaker 2: Kylie, well, I'm not going to become a florist, but
2:40
Speaker 2: I'm going to learn the art of floristry. That's probably
2:43
Speaker 2: a better way of saying.
2:44
Speaker 4: It's so excited for you.
2:45
Speaker 2: I'm very, very excited about it.
2:47
Speaker 3: And whenever you've got school, let's say it's on a Wednesday,
2:50
Speaker 3: I'll be looking after dinner that night.
2:52
Speaker 4: Oh I love the idea of that.
2:54
Speaker 3: So we'll be having takeaway every Wednesday. So honey, how's
2:58
Speaker 3: the study going.
3:00
Speaker 2: Well, that's a bit of an interesting question.
3:05
Speaker 4: Yeah. I think the answer is it's not right.
3:07
Speaker 3: It's not let's talk about this, and the reason that
3:11
Speaker 3: we want to talk about this, I mean, we were
3:13
Speaker 3: so pumped for you to go and do this course
3:15
Speaker 3: at tay if you're going to do a six month
3:16
Speaker 3: course in florestry, and we were super excited for the
3:20
Speaker 3: development and the learning and the skill acquisition.
3:24
Speaker 4: And then something happened well.
3:25
Speaker 2: Let's face it, it's been twenty one years. I've been
3:28
Speaker 2: a stay at home for twenty one years, which.
3:30
Speaker 3: Is why you wanted to go. All right, this is
3:32
Speaker 3: something where you can use your strengths. You're passionate about it,
3:34
Speaker 3: You're really excited about doing that. And the twenty one
3:37
Speaker 3: years thing didn't really factor into the decision not to
3:40
Speaker 3: continue with studies this year.
3:42
Speaker 2: No, but it was definitely part of the excitement in
3:45
Speaker 2: just being able to develop myself further and learn this
3:50
Speaker 2: new skill and meet new people. You know, often your
3:57
Speaker 2: circles are very limited when you're at home with the children, and.
4:00
Speaker 4: I'm so like, I can't tell you how excited I was.
4:04
Speaker 3: You've sacrificed so much for twenty something years now so
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Speaker 3: that you can raise our children while I'm trying to
4:10
Speaker 3: become the breadwinner.
4:11
Speaker 4: And I've gone to do my studies, and I've had
4:13
Speaker 4: a couple of.
4:13
Speaker 3: Different careers, and so this was your opportunity, right, this
4:17
Speaker 3: was your chance to say, Okay, finally it's time for
4:19
Speaker 3: me to do something for me. You've shown up on
4:22
Speaker 3: orientation day and I've.
4:25
Speaker 2: Had a bit of a meltdown as I've sat there
4:28
Speaker 2: and I've listened to everything that they had to share.
4:30
Speaker 2: I knew most of it, and I had got my
4:32
Speaker 2: head around what was expected, and then they added a
4:34
Speaker 2: few extra bits and pieces that I hadn't been aware of,
4:37
Speaker 2: and I started to kind of just reel in the
4:41
Speaker 2: logistics of how I was going to make it work.
4:44
Speaker 2: Can I do the work one hundred percent? Was I
4:47
Speaker 2: worried about being able to do the work?
4:49
Speaker 5: Not at all?
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Speaker 3: Okay, So it wasn't really a confidence issue. It wasn't
4:53
Speaker 3: like you were sort of saying, Gee, I don't know
4:54
Speaker 3: if I can get through this. I'm not signing up
4:56
Speaker 3: to do law or medicine. I'm going to become a florist.
4:59
Speaker 3: I'm sure that there's a lot that still needs to
5:00
Speaker 3: be learned, but it's a six month course, not a
5:02
Speaker 3: four year university course, so there's clearly a different cognitive
5:05
Speaker 3: load and a different timeframe. So it wasn't about the
5:08
Speaker 3: learning as such, ayt.
5:09
Speaker 2: I was going into it. I knew that it was
5:11
Speaker 2: going to be a stretch for our family logistically, but
5:13
Speaker 2: adding a few extra logistics to it after I had
5:16
Speaker 2: already mapped out.
5:17
Speaker 3: Yeah, like getting up on a Monday morning at four thirty,
5:19
Speaker 3: so you can get to the markets to buy flowers,
5:21
Speaker 3: and then being at TAYE for two and a half
5:23
Speaker 3: days every week, full.
5:24
Speaker 2: Time fighting peak hour traffic morning and evening, meaning that
5:28
Speaker 2: I literally would not see the children Monday, Tuesday.
5:32
Speaker 4: And half of Wednesday.
5:34
Speaker 2: And then the additional extra, you know, six or seven
5:37
Speaker 2: hours that I had to do independence study would mean
5:40
Speaker 2: that probably Wednesday wouldn't see them either, and that was
5:45
Speaker 2: really hard to kind of get my head around. Firstly,
5:47
Speaker 2: But at the same time that happened, you had some
5:50
Speaker 2: massive stuff going on for you, and we recognize that
5:54
Speaker 2: when we looked at the calendar, out of sixty days
5:56
Speaker 2: that I had contact hours with, you were not even
5:59
Speaker 2: going to be here for thirty of them.
6:01
Speaker 4: And the calendar hasn't really started to fill up yet.
6:03
Speaker 2: It hasn't, And so the realization that I was going
6:06
Speaker 2: to have to try and juggle all of this on
6:08
Speaker 2: my own with limited support. My mum's about to have
6:12
Speaker 2: a hip replacement, so she's not going to be any help.
6:14
Speaker 2: They're about to move into their new house, so I
6:17
Speaker 2: don't have any family structures in place at the moment
6:20
Speaker 2: that would be helpful either.
6:22
Speaker 4: And you've got a husband who's just no help at all.
6:24
Speaker 2: Well that's not true, but logistically you're not here often.
6:27
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, And so I want to talk about
6:30
Speaker 3: the thinking process that you went through, because every I'm
6:35
Speaker 3: sure every family goes through this. You know, you've got
6:37
Speaker 3: one person who's a primary bread winner and then another
6:40
Speaker 3: person who Sometimes there may be two primary bread winners,
6:43
Speaker 3: but not many families like that. Most have a primary
6:46
Speaker 3: bread winner and then somebody who supplements the income. And
6:49
Speaker 3: we let's acknowledge straight up, we're in a really wonderful
6:53
Speaker 3: and fortunate position where me being the primary bread winner
6:56
Speaker 3: is it is enough for our family. Sometimes it's not,
6:59
Speaker 3: but my most of the time it is. Over the years,
7:01
Speaker 3: it hasn't always been. But at the moment, we're in
7:03
Speaker 3: a position where you can actually make a decision to
7:07
Speaker 3: work or to not work. And we're so grateful that
7:10
Speaker 3: at this point you're home with the family. But this
7:12
Speaker 3: was a chance for you to really go out and
7:13
Speaker 3: do something that you were excited to do. And so
7:16
Speaker 3: in just a second, well we're going to take a
7:18
Speaker 3: quick break. But when we come back after the break,
7:19
Speaker 3: what I really want to do is unpack how you
7:22
Speaker 3: made that decision, because our family went through two or
7:25
Speaker 3: three days of fairly significant discomfort as you were kind
7:29
Speaker 3: of working through it.
7:31
Speaker 2: It was a wrestle with this.
7:33
Speaker 4: Pretty grumpy with everybody.
7:35
Speaker 3: But I want to work out the kinds of questions
7:37
Speaker 3: that you were asking yourself. And of course this isn't
7:40
Speaker 3: going to work for everybody, but let's spend a couple
7:43
Speaker 3: of minutes on that in just a sec so that
7:45
Speaker 3: we can understand the sacrifices that mums make.
7:48
Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcame.
7:51
Speaker 5: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home, Tweens, Teens and Screens
7:55
Speaker 5: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe super
7:59
Speaker 5: screen by today at happy families dot com dot are
8:03
Speaker 5: you slash shop.
8:04
Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
8:07
Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now and Well, we've
8:11
Speaker 3: had a big decision get reversed in the last little while.
8:14
Speaker 3: Kylie was off to school. Now she's not going to school,
8:17
Speaker 3: and we've had to really wrestle our way through some
8:21
Speaker 3: really challenging times. Now at the outset, we've highlighted we're
8:24
Speaker 3: in a privileged position where you can choose to study
8:26
Speaker 3: or work or not.
8:27
Speaker 4: And we've also highlighted.
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Speaker 3: I think that I really wanted you to be able
8:31
Speaker 3: to do this, and I was really supportive, but because
8:33
Speaker 3: I am the primary bread winner, my calendar was making
8:38
Speaker 3: logistics just a real challenge. It was almost like we
8:43
Speaker 3: would have to hire somebody to come and look after
8:45
Speaker 3: our children so that you could go and do this course.
8:47
Speaker 3: It was the only way we could get through due
8:49
Speaker 3: to not having enough support around us, to rely on
8:52
Speaker 3: family and friends and so on. And so you've made
8:55
Speaker 3: this decision that you're not going to study. But what
8:57
Speaker 3: was it like going through that. I mean, it was
8:58
Speaker 3: almost a week, but there was two or three days
9:01
Speaker 3: that were particularly intense. Walk us through how it is
9:04
Speaker 3: as a mum when you finally think my time has come.
9:06
Speaker 3: I've raised the kids and now I've got an opportunity.
9:09
Speaker 3: I mean, we've still got kids that require raising, but
9:11
Speaker 3: now I've got an opportunity to go and study, and
9:12
Speaker 3: I really want to do this. What's happened for you there?
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Speaker 2: I started to really unravel. I think I really started
9:22
Speaker 2: to unravel. I as I thought about, you know, this
9:27
Speaker 2: wonderful opportunity that was placed before me, and in the
9:29
Speaker 2: realization that logistically I just couldn't make it work. I
9:34
Speaker 2: guess I kind of went into that big black hole
9:36
Speaker 2: that I think mums all around the world go through
9:39
Speaker 2: at some point, is you know, when is it going
9:41
Speaker 2: to be my turn? Why do I have to always
9:44
Speaker 2: give up the things that I want? And I'm going
9:47
Speaker 2: to get emotional because it's a really, really difficult space
9:52
Speaker 2: to find yourself in when you recognize that you've given
9:56
Speaker 2: so much for so long and you want something, Yeah,
10:00
Speaker 2: we want it bad, and then you realize that it's
10:03
Speaker 2: actually just not going to work.
10:05
Speaker 3: Couples need to be able to come together on these topics,
10:07
Speaker 3: and for us, we decided that, well you decided that
10:11
Speaker 3: you're going to wait another couple of years.
10:13
Speaker 2: It took me a while to get to that realization.
10:16
Speaker 2: But as I kind of wrestled with all of those
10:19
Speaker 2: feelings of I guess, sacrifice and feeling hard done by
10:24
Speaker 2: and not from anything you had said. I mean, you
10:27
Speaker 2: have been amazing and amazing support as I've kind of
10:30
Speaker 2: worked through it, and you were happy for us to
10:32
Speaker 2: organize to have a nanny come along to make this
10:34
Speaker 2: a realization.
10:35
Speaker 3: Well, I said, I was happy about it, But now
10:37
Speaker 3: that we're talking about it and the decision has made.
10:39
Speaker 4: I wasn't that thrilled about it, but I would have
10:41
Speaker 4: to support you.
10:42
Speaker 2: You would have and I know that. But then I
10:45
Speaker 2: started to kind of, I guess, take it through my
10:48
Speaker 2: values filter and start to really think about what are
10:53
Speaker 2: the things that mean the most to me, what are
10:56
Speaker 2: my priorities, and what are the things that I stand for.
11:00
Speaker 2: And as I started to think about those things and
11:04
Speaker 2: really kind of live into those values, I realized that
11:11
Speaker 2: again privileged decision that I'm able to make. This was
11:14
Speaker 2: a want and not a need. And right now my
11:17
Speaker 2: family needs me.
11:20
Speaker 4: And I need you and you need me.
11:23
Speaker 2: And that was still hard even coming to that realization
11:26
Speaker 2: for myself. That was hard to sit with for a
11:28
Speaker 2: few days. What I found is that the longer I
11:33
Speaker 2: sat there this suffocating feeling that I had been experiencing
11:40
Speaker 2: as I was trying to work out how I could
11:42
Speaker 2: do it all, you know, how I could be the
11:45
Speaker 2: mum that I want to be and the wife that
11:46
Speaker 2: I want to be and be where I need to be,
11:52
Speaker 2: but do something I want to do. I couldn't physically
11:57
Speaker 2: do it all, and so I had to make a
11:59
Speaker 2: decision about what was most important to me, and at
12:01
Speaker 2: the end of the day, my want it's at the
12:03
Speaker 2: bottom of the list because I will pick my family
12:06
Speaker 2: every day over any of the other things. And the
12:11
Speaker 2: exciting thing is it's not gone forever. I'm giving it
12:14
Speaker 2: up now, but that doesn't mean that I can't do
12:16
Speaker 2: it next year or in three years time, or in
12:19
Speaker 2: three years time. My needs and interest change and I'm
12:21
Speaker 2: able to do something different. But once I actually came
12:25
Speaker 2: to that realization and I re I guess, engaged with
12:31
Speaker 2: those values, I can't actually tell you how empowered I feel.
12:36
Speaker 2: This has been such an amazing experience. When we thought,
12:40
Speaker 2: when we decided we were going to talk about this today,
12:42
Speaker 2: like I really, I kind of, I guess hung my
12:45
Speaker 2: head in shame. I've quit, I've given up, I've let
12:48
Speaker 2: go of, you know, this dream that I've wanted to,
12:52
Speaker 2: you know, accomplish something, you know, amazing that I could
12:56
Speaker 2: kind of show my kids. And I was, I guess,
12:59
Speaker 2: feeling a little bit, I don't know what the right
13:06
Speaker 2: word is. I guess I was feeling a little bit,
13:12
Speaker 2: you know, if I'm completely honest, I was feeling shame
13:19
Speaker 2: that I can't be that woman. I've watched women do
13:24
Speaker 2: this and seem to be able to juggle all of
13:27
Speaker 2: these balls at once, and I recognize that I can't.
13:31
Speaker 3: You know, I reckon, I'm going to interrupt you for
13:33
Speaker 3: a second. I reckon you could. What you've done is
13:36
Speaker 3: you've chosen not to. You've said, I don't want to.
13:40
Speaker 3: I don't want to be running faster than my legs
13:42
Speaker 3: can carry me. We do that too much because I'm
13:44
Speaker 3: married to Justin Coulson. For crying out, lad, I want
13:47
Speaker 3: to try and slow things down.
13:48
Speaker 2: I guess every decision has a price, and when I
13:52
Speaker 2: weighed up the cost of trying to juggle everything, the
13:57
Speaker 2: cost was just too high and I willn't prepared to
14:00
Speaker 2: pay that price.
14:02
Speaker 3: Well, you know, I reckon what you've actually done. And
14:05
Speaker 3: not every family is going to make that decision. Not
14:07
Speaker 3: every family can make that decision, and certainly people have
14:10
Speaker 3: different values. And we're not suggesting or implying that somebody
14:12
Speaker 3: should do this, because this is what you've chosen to do.
14:14
Speaker 3: This is just who we are, and this is your story.
14:17
Speaker 3: I wanted to share the fact that you've quit with
14:19
Speaker 3: everybody because I think that it takes courage to make
14:25
Speaker 3: a decision and then say it wasn't even necessarily the
14:29
Speaker 3: wrong decision.
14:30
Speaker 4: But the timing's wrong. It's not what I'm going to
14:32
Speaker 4: do right now.
14:32
Speaker 3: It takes a lot of courage to walk back a decision,
14:36
Speaker 3: especially when you've made it publicly on a podcast where
14:38
Speaker 3: there's you know, tens and tens and tens of thousands
14:40
Speaker 3: of people who are listening to this decision. In fact,
14:43
Speaker 3: somebody just recently said, hey, how's Kylie going with their studies?
14:45
Speaker 4: And I said, it was funny you should ask. So
14:48
Speaker 4: it takes courage.
14:49
Speaker 3: But you know, you talk about you wanted to be
14:52
Speaker 3: able to show the girls, our daughters, that you could
14:56
Speaker 3: achieve something. And I think that what you have actually
15:00
Speaker 3: done is you've shown them that you have achieved something.
15:02
Speaker 4: You've shown them that you.
15:03
Speaker 3: Value something them sufficient that you're willing to When you
15:07
Speaker 3: sacrifice something, what you really do is you give up
15:10
Speaker 3: something of lesser value for something of higher value.
15:13
Speaker 4: And this is why I really wanted to talk about this, because.
15:15
Speaker 3: Mums and dads, but especially in a still fairly male
15:20
Speaker 3: oriented workforce, Mums give up so much. Mums sacrifice so
15:27
Speaker 3: much ongoingly, every day, every week, every month, every year
15:32
Speaker 3: for their families. And I think that what you've done
15:35
Speaker 3: is you've sacrificed. But if you look at that definition
15:38
Speaker 3: of sacrifice that I like to use, you've given up
15:40
Speaker 3: something of lesser value for something of far greater value.
15:43
Speaker 2: Thank you. I really appreciate that. Throughout this whole process,
15:50
Speaker 2: there's just been this absolute one hundred percent support and
15:57
Speaker 2: backing me up in my decision, whether it was to
16:00
Speaker 2: study or not to study. And I think that that
16:05
Speaker 2: support is what's actually given me the courage to say
16:09
Speaker 2: no this time, because I know that it will always
16:12
Speaker 2: be there.
16:13
Speaker 3: Well, I wish that you were doing it, but I'm
16:17
Speaker 3: so grateful for the decision that you've made. And I
16:19
Speaker 3: guess I'm just going to have to start saving so
16:21
Speaker 3: that I can afford the bouquets.
16:23
Speaker 4: And the flowers when we finally have another wedding.
16:27
Speaker 2: Hopefully that's not too time too anytime soon as well.
16:31
Speaker 3: Look, this has been one of those conversations that we
16:33
Speaker 3: think is really important because these are the kinds of
16:36
Speaker 3: decisions that every family has to make regularly. Do I
16:40
Speaker 3: go back to school, do I make this sacrifice? Do
16:42
Speaker 3: I go back to work? Do I leave the kids
16:45
Speaker 3: with somebody else? How do we make it all work.
16:48
Speaker 3: I don't know whether it's been helpful for you, whether
16:50
Speaker 3: it's given you some insight into how you can make
16:52
Speaker 3: these decisions in your own family, but we really hope
16:55
Speaker 3: that it has been helpful and we hope that you've
16:57
Speaker 3: enjoyed the podcast.
16:58
Speaker 4: As always, if you do enjoy.
16:59
Speaker 3: It podcast, we would be so grateful if you would
17:01
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Speaker 3: you listen. That's when you leave those podcast ratings and
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17:09
Speaker 3: we're doing and how we can make their families happier.
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Speaker 3: rating and a review. Would be so grateful. The Happy
17:17
Speaker 3: Families podcast is produced by.
17:18
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17:22
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17:24
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17:33
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