Latest / The Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans Podcast / The Rollercoaster of Feels to Kindergarten
Transcript
- Heidi: Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Raising Intelligent Humans Podcast. I'm Heidi. I'm your host. I'm a single mom by choice to two little ones. I'm a lover of feelings and emotions. There's a lot of them in our house. And I'm here to tell stories, real stories from my life, about my feelings, my gits kids' feelings, and what it's like to just live life. With two little kids. Today we are talking about launching off from preschool into kindergarten. My oldest one started kindergarten last week. I'm going back to August twelfth. That day there was a solar eclipse. And I find that kind of perfect that my then preschooler, my five year old, graduated preschool on August twelfth. It was a culmination, it was a finishing, it was an ending. And I went to her graduation. It's really cute. Graduation where the kids sing these cute songs. They each got celebrated and the teacher said something about who they are, the qualities that they brought to the classroom. And then they all got to jump or step into kindergarten. So they stood on this little platform. And then at the end of their when their kids when the teachers were done talking, they would jump off of the platform or walk down the platform and They would be moving into kindergarten. And I remember as I was going to the graduation, I felt some excited energy, some buzzing in my chest, in my belly, a little bit of shakiness, but also Pride. It felt like a really big moment, really big day for my kiddo, for me to have my first one graduating preschool, making a big step into the big world. And it was this like awe inspired, bittersweet experience. When I saw her walking out. They all walked out in a line. I just got this swell of emotion and tears gently filling my eyes and slowly starting to trickle down my cheek. Not a lot of tears. I'm not a big crier, but they were there. And then a big smile as they sang the cutest little songs ever about being on a a pirate and going on the sea. And then another one about being a tree and the tree growing. And they kind of went from the ground and then the tree grew and then they were the branches and then the leaves and the leaves fell down. Something like that. It was a very cute, super, super cute little singing to hear a line of five year olds, four year olds. There might have been a three year old thrown in there too. 'Cause all of the class got to come up to sing the songs. this melting little Mama Heart. And then I was just watching my little one and she was tired. She was yawning. So many yawns she had. He was sucking her thumb into her learning her hair. Which is what she does very often. That's her little comfort. It has been since she's been a baby. And she was just hanging and sitting there, doing what she was supposed to be doing. And then it's her turn and she stands up on the little platform and her teacher says some of the most impactful things. Something along the lines of that she has a really big imagination. She's very creative. She's a leader. That her imagination is gonna take her to to soar, to high places. She keeps following it. And that's really when the tears started. Because it feels so there's not even words for it. so deeply moving, so It's the deepest feeling that I th one of the deepest feelings I have. To have somebody recognize my child as deeply as I do and to say things about her and about qualities that she has that are So spot on because my kiddo is she can dream, she has a huge imagination and she can pull things from her imagination and then creates them in the world. And it's astounding to me. And the fact that her teacher can see that too. I literally as I talk about it, I have goosebumps. I have tears that wanna come. They're like the happy kind of tears, like awe inspired kind of tears. The My gosh, somebody notices my kid and notices who she deeply is. Not who she presents herself to be, not the surface level, not a good kid. I mean she's a great kid, but I think all kids are good. But an imagination. She has this huge imagination. She creates real things from her imagination. And her teacher afterwards asked her if she would continue to draw out her plans for buildings, for her ideas that she wants to do. Keep drawing them out before she does them. And my little sweetheart, she says, yeah. And her teacher is inspiring her to be to use the the and the capability she already has, the quality she already has, and that she could totally become an engineer if she wants to one day. That is that like draw out what you see, draw out what you wanna build, draw out what you wanna create. That's what an engineer does, and then create it. So she graduated preschool. It was so sweet and so tender. And then we had a full week off until she went to kindergarten. And we did so many fun things. We had I planned lots of fun adventures. A dinosaur week. We had a dinosaur-themed week where we went on a dinosaur hike and we saw real dinosaur footprints, fossils that they had found in the mountains and the rocks near where we live in Colorado. And We saw those and they were super cool because Mikato loves dinosaurs. She just adores them. Her favorite is the T-Rex. And she likes to roar just like a T-Rex and stomp. It's I love her. So we did that. We went to the Nature and Science Museum in Denver to do the dinosaur exhibits. They had an extra one. It was super fun. Invited some of our friends. She lost her tooth that day. Her first tooth fell out while we are at the museum while she was drinking water. And then she she's drinking water and then she s opens her hand and she's like, Mom, look, she has her tooth in her hand. so sweet. For her to lose her first tooth before kindergarten started. And then we did some other things that week. But it was a full week. And we had been practicing for the last several weeks, which I know I've already shared a little bit about this. How do we get out of the house on time? 'Cause we have been notorious for being late. Though we couldn't really be late, late in preschool and in daycare, 'cause we had a window from between eight, eight thirty, even up to nine is fine. So we had an hour window, so really we were never late, but I was always trying to get there by eight. And we never did. We always got there at like eight fifteen, eight thirty, eight twenty five. When we got closer to the eight thirty, I like, Ooh, we're really late. But we've been practicing and the key, which I know I've shared before, giving the kids a twenty minute warning for when they need to start putting their shoes on. Meaning everything else is like pretty much done. All that other stuff is done. Twenty minutes to get their shoes on, to get out the door. That's the one advice that I've ever gotten that has actually changed our morning routine and made us be more on time. Then we were getting to school at eight two. Eight o'clock. Even in every now and then a seven fifty seven. That's what I consider being on time to drop off the little one at preschool. And the first day of preschool and kindergarten, which was August twentieth. We were on time to drop off the little one at preschool. We had left the house a few minutes before eight. We'd gotten to her school by like eight five. Got her inside, dropped off, and I was like, it's only eight seven or so. We have some a few minutes, and we ended up staying till about eight fifteen. The other one's drop off is at eight twenty-five. The school is a ten minute walk from there or a like three minute drive. Okay, so it's not far from where we need where we needed to go. So I figured ten. Minutes would be plenty of time. I was wrong. Oof what was wrong. So we drop off the little one. It actually goes fairly smoothly. Little she's gets a hug and then she just goes and it's great. Then my big kid, my real big kid, she gets herself into the car seat. I try to help her. She says, No mom, I can do this by myself. I'm big. I'm going to kindergarten. I can do it all by myself. It's like, okay. So I stand there as she's buckling herself in. She can buckle herself in, but she's buckling herself in and the straps are a little bit twisted. And she's getting a little distracted. So it's taking her much longer to get in her seat. I'm starting to feel the rise in my body of the tension. The tight chest. Belly's getting a little bit tight. noticing I'm not breathing as much. I do my very best to take a deep breath. Ooh. I'm feeling that urgency again. I'm feeling this sense of urgency, the sense of like we gotta go right now. Like we're gonna be late. I don't like being late. And I did my very best to just stand there as in tune to my own body, calming my body down as much as I can to h let her buckle herself in. 'Cause I also thought we did actually have enough time. And a side note, a funny note here, my clock, my on my watch and my clock on my phone and my clock on my car all said three different times. So I was like, I don't know, is it eight fifteen? Is it eight seventeen? Is it eight twelve? I don't know what time it is. Which one is real? which also made me feel more flustered 'cause I was like, I don't really know where we are. Anyway, so I'm standing by the car. She eventually gets herself all buckled in. And then I pull on out, feeling relieved. Whew. We're gonna get to school on time. She's like, We're gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay. We have five minutes, we're gonna be okay. So we drive to the school and I am like, Okay, I'm gonna see if I can try to to park closer to the drop off space. Then the f instead of drop parking a lock a block away where I saw the first spot. Like, I'm gonna see if I can get closer. So we drive closer. No spots. So I go around the corner to see if we can park on one of the blocks that the school is on. It's it takes an entire city block up. There's no spots there. Go around the corner. No spots in the front school. Go around the corner. you can't park on the side of the school. Great. Go around the corner. no spots there. crap. Now we're really feel like we're gonna be late. I'm getting even more flustered. go back to the street where I was like, I'm pretty sure I saw parking here. So I go there, find a parking spot. Like, luckily we found a parking spot. Like, okay, we're we have to go fast. We have to go fast. Come on, sweetheart. And now I'm feeling really rushed and really panicked. And when I get rushed and panicked, I get flustered. I get short. My tone is more bitey, more sharp. And I'm almost like barking orders of like, get out of the car. Come on, let's go. And then I do my best and it's a first has called calm down, I come on. It's gonna be okay. Trying to also remind myself, being flustered, being short, being frustrated with her and barking orders at her does not make her go faster. It never works. I don't know why I keep thinking it's gonna work. And it doesn't. Another big deep breath and sigh. Finally we get out of the car. We're walking to the school. We see some other people walking in. I'm like, okay, we we might be okay, but we gotta kinda walk fast. Come on, sweetheart. Walking a little bit fast, almost running. We get into the school playground where the drop off is, and the bell rings. And I was like, god, I don't even know where we're going. And then I get like real flustered. I'm like, my goodness, I don't know what's happening. I don't know where to go. I don't know what that's my anxiety. I do not like first days of things, neither does my kid. We do not like knowing not knowing how things go, what to do, what to expect. But we have a friend who's like, she they're over there. Keep going over there. Okay. So I go over there, we find her classroom line, and luckily, thank goodness, the kindergartners were all still standing there. Even though the bell rang, there was no rushing the kindergartners in. They stood there for another five minutes. And so I got to give her a real big hug to get her in the line. And then the kindergarten started going in and Are the parents, we are also not doing so great with the lining up thing. As in parents are lined up in the same line with the kids, kind of like standing next to them or behind them, so the like the line isn't very clear. There's not like which kids are going, 'cause there's also siblings. I'm like which kid is a kindergarten, which one isn't a kindergarten, what's happening right here, right now. And they start walking in and then there's like parents in front of us. So I'm like, we have to walk around the parents to get to the kid in front. And there's this huge gap. So I'm like walking my little kiddo. I'm like, keep going, keep going, get going. I'm like, and there's a kid in front of her that had a tight eyed backpack. I'm saying that see that tight eyed backpack? She's the one that you need to follow. Go, go get her, go get her. Because I'm not allowed to go in the school. so she kind of like runs and she catches up. I'm like, okay, good. Okay, so then she's in school. And the entire time, like during this little process, even though I was feeling flushed, I was like, Holding back tears. I watch her walk away. And I feel sad. I feel kind of scared. But it's this feeling of like Just thinking about it makes me feel it right now. She's a huge she's a big kid. She's gotten so big. She's five. She's in elementary school. And I'm sending her off into this big school where she's actually really small now. So it's almost a sense of like, I wanna protect my baby, but I have less access to her now. I don't get to go in and see her classroom. I have seen her classroom before. But I don't get to go in and drop her off in her classroom. I don't get to Help her transition into her classroom every day. I send her in in a line with a bunch of other kids and just have to trust that she's okay. And that feels hard for me. I know that she is okay. I know she will be fine. I know that she'll figure it all out and that her teachers are super supportive and kind and caring and compassionate and they're gonna help her. But I have this sense of like I I wanna cry. But I don't. Cause it also happened to be a particular day where I d really didn't want to be crying around other adults. So I don't cry. So it kind of like hold the tears in a little bit. And I'm also in my anxiety space of now where is the parent coffee? There's this parent coffee that's supposed to be happening. And I got an email that said it was in Thompson Park, but I had heard before that it's in the front of the school. So I'm like, I don't know where it is. Luckily I have friends. So I just found my friend and we just walked together. We walked to Thompson Park, which is across the street. It was not there. There was nobody there. And then we go walk to the front of the school, there it is. And is about eight thirty then and I had a nine o'clock client. So I had a half an hour, but really had like fifteen minutes before I needed to leave to go home to be able to tr transition into seeing a client. And the coffee was just a parent meeting s by the mm PTO. They spoke a little bit, then the pr principal was speaking a little bit. And I'm just standing and looking at all these other adults, all these other parents who just dropped off their kindergartner. And having this pull between two different parts of me. One part of me is feeling this sense of I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't wanna try to get to know them right now. I feel too many things right now. I don't wanna be here in this space. I don't wanna I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I don't wanna navigate this right now with all these other people around. And another part of me that is that holds a little bit of I feel like I should. There's a big should there. Like I should get to know these people. I think I'm supposed to want community. Am I supposed to create that all right now? I do want community. I do want to be more connected to the parents that have kids my age. And I also really don't want to talk to any of these people right now, which is a real big conflict inside of me. So I was just standing next to parents that I actually already knew. who yeah, some of the kids went to the school that my kid I went to before. Actually all of them and I just have known them for years. And I felt kinda lucky that I didn't have to go stand around and meal around. But I also felt kinda sad that I had to leave. So it's a very interesting poll there of I want to be part of this community. I want people to know me. But in this that particular day on August 20, I like, I don't want to talk to anybody. I really don't. And I have to go get ready for a client. And so when I had to leave I turned around and I left. And after I left I was walking. And that's when the tears really, really started. Like sobbing. Tears. I wasn't thinking anything. There wasn't the like thought of how big she is or the school she's in or any of that kind of stuff. It was just felt it was just all those feelings I'd been holding down, holding in, just started coming out of my eyes. And then I got in my car and I tried to like clean myself up a little bit. Cried the entire time I drove, but I wasn't crying so intensely that I couldn't drive that it wasn't safe to drive. I drove all the way home, got home and I was like, Okay, gotta try to stop crying again. I tried to stop crying several times during the drive and I would stop for a second and then I would start crying again. It's like, goodness, how the hell am I gonna pull myself together to see a to see clients all day? I didn't know how I was gonna do it. So I got home and I texted my friends 'cause I only had I think five minutes. Just to really tell s people who get it, who know it, that I've been having a morning where I just dropped off my kid at kindergarten and I've been crying all the whole drive home trying to pull myself back together to go see clients. And I pull myself together enough and I get on the my first c call with my client who happens to have laryngitis and then she thinks that I have laryngitis 'cause I've been crying. I was like, Nope, sorry, actually don't have a laryngitis. I've just been crying all morning 'cause I just dropped off my kid in kindergarten. I love it when clients are graceful and they understand too. Having 'cause they have kids too. Yeah. So I dropped her off and I made it through the first day of s of dropping off her at kindergarten. It was emotion filled. It was a roller coaster from preschool graduation all the way up to that first day of kindergarten. The second day of kindergarten we were on time. Yay. The third day of kindergarten, which was this morning, we were also on time. Yay. And on time by like we actually had few minutes, maybe a few five minutes when we got to school to drop off my second one, my kindergartner, to hang out and stand there before the bell rang. Yeah, so that is kindergarten, the transition. Mostly all about my feelings. What it was like as for me as a mom. I might do one about what it's been like for my kiddo maybe after the first week or so. We'll see. I might not. I don't know. We'll have to see how her feelings go. So far it's been she's been pretty excited. Almost so nervous. She has a little tummy ache every night. So she's got this excited nervousness happening. But other than that, not too much outside of the ordinary, not anything extra than what than her normal feels. Which she has big feels, just as it is regularly. But I'm getting curious to see how this first full week of school is gonna go. Anyway, if it feels if I feel called to it, I'll make another episode about that. And if there's anything I want to leave you with, Mama. I just want you to know that however you felt, however you feel with your kid in whatever grade they're in, is okay. And it's okay to feel those feelings. It's okay to release them. It's actually okay to hold them in at certain times too. You don't have to fully let them go. at any given moment. It's okay to stay together, to pull yourself together and then to do it by yourself. It's also totally okay to fully cry at kindergarten drop off in front of everybody else. There was other parents who did that too. What's important is that you honor and take care of yourself. And it may not sound like I took care of myself, but I did spend some time with those parts later. And sometimes what you have to as a mom is to get through. Mm, go to work. That's what I had to do. But telling the stories too is also important. So just know Mama, you are not alone with however you're feeling in this transition to the new school year. All right, until next time.