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My 15 Years | Episode 2: Mental Health After Diagnosis · The Eye Believe Podcast

0:05
hey everyone
0:05
welcome back to Melody's 15 years
0:08
if you are just joining us
0:09
check out episode number one
0:11
this is episode number two
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we are going through um
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all 15 years of Melody's ocular melanoma journey
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throughout this year
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you're gonna get two episodes every month
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so it'll be 24 all together
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so make sure you check out the full playlist
0:24
with all of these but right now
0:25
we're going into number two
0:27
so
0:27
the first one was all about just the initial diagnosis
0:31
and now we are gonna get into relationship stuff
0:34
some mental health the toll on the family
0:36
all of that kind of fun things
0:40
all right where would you like to start
0:44
well let's start back up just a little bit
0:47
to the initial treatment the
0:50
you know putting the plaque on taking the plaque off
0:52
that was a
0:54
that was a really hard time
0:56
it was just a week five days seems like easy
0:59
except you're not allowed to be any
1:01
near anybody
1:01
you had to have this lead patch on your eye
1:03
so you know
1:04
there was a lot of distance between my husband and I
1:07
and that
1:09
kind of made the previous five months kind of um
1:16
all come to a head
1:18
he was able to release some of his frustrations
1:21
and his fear
1:22
I was trying to get
1:25
I guess it was just kind of setting in
1:27
I kind of plaque was done okay
1:30
now go have a life well
1:32
how do you have a life
1:33
go have a life of two to five years
1:35
you know and that's what I was just gonna ask you
1:37
are we still at two to five years
1:38
and you guys
1:40
spoiler alert the title of this program is my 15 years
1:43
we're at 15 so
1:44
just so you know it was not two to five
1:48
they were wrong but
1:50
but because they were wrong
1:52
this is why this is so important
1:55
because you have a
1:56
you have a physician telling you you have a
1:59
a finite life
2:02
and it's two to five years
2:04
um and I didn't
2:06
I didn't say this in the last episode
2:08
but Duane and I had only been married since 2006
2:11
so we were only four years into our marriage
2:14
plus we had just relocated to North Carolina
2:16
we started a landscaping company
2:18
there was a lot of new stuff happening
2:22
and you worked together so you
2:23
were you together 24 seven then right
2:25
correct yes yeah
2:26
and we were together during my kidney cancer diagnosis
2:29
so now this is cancer diagnosis number two
2:32
that's a lot in a short amount of time
2:34
it was a lot in a short amount of time
2:36
and I can give him Grace for that now
2:38
but at the time I didn't
2:39
I couldn't at the time
2:40
I was angry he was angry
2:42
I was angry we were both very
2:44
very angry and rightfully so
2:47
so when a doctor gives you a diagnosis of two
2:50
to five years
2:52
it it does something to you and to your family
2:57
because now the family is grieving
2:59
oh my god
3:00
I've only got two to five years to live
3:01
how am we how am we gonna get a lifetime in there
3:04
um you yourself are like
3:07
how am I going to do all the things I wanted to do
3:09
when I only have two to five years
3:11
and some of that time I'll be sick
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because I'll be dying you know and
3:14
and of course
3:15
your brain always goes to worst case scenario
3:17
not best case scenario so I'm coming out of the plaque
3:22
I can't see I can't drive um
3:25
we have a a family vacation in um
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the Outer Banks we're gonna get all the family together
3:31
and go have a vacation
3:33
which is great so we went and had a great vacation
3:35
but I couldn't get in the water
3:36
I couldn't get sand and there were all these things
3:38
but it was great cause we had um
3:42
we had the kids the grandkids
3:43
my sister and her husband came out
3:45
we had a great time my husband was supposed to come
3:47
he chose not to come and then politely told me
3:52
when you come back don't come home
3:54
go to your mom's house I don't want you here
3:57
like what rude
3:59
what do you mean all my stuff is at that house
4:01
how you how can you just make me leave my house
4:04
and here so this is the beginning of may
4:07
I had my plaque the April 21st
4:12
so we're talking two weeks
4:14
three weeks maybe at tops
4:17
uh huh so we go to
4:20
this is all while we're at
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on vacation at the Outer Banks
4:22
so I kind of messed up everybody's vacation
4:24
because I was I was in a
4:27
in another world
4:28
cause now I'm thinking I have no place to live
4:30
I have to go to my mom's
4:31
who wants to go live with their mom
4:33
I mean I'm 48 years old
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I don't wanna go live with my mom
4:36
so it was it was very um
4:39
it was very hard to deal with
4:41
so with talk
4:42
and I didn't have a car cause he had the truck
4:45
the landscaping truck plus his truck
4:48
I couldn't drive the landscaping truck
4:50
so I'm stuck at my mom's house without a car
4:52
and I can't drive because I can't see
4:55
so it was just
4:56
all of this stuff was just kind of imploding
5:00
so I got I I
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my husband came over to my mom's house
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after we got home and we had a discussion
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and he says I can't do this
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so what do you mean you can't do this
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I'm the one with the cancer
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what do you mean you can't do this
5:14
try try living in this body here buddy yeah
5:20
so he looks at me dead serious and says
5:23
I'd rather divorce you now than bury you later
5:25
I can't do this
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and I was like
5:30
wow
5:32
that's selfish
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but yes
5:35
but not everybody looking backwards
5:38
I can say not everybody can carry that burden
5:42
not everybody has it the emotional
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health to be able to carry the burden of knowing
5:50
at any moment
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your wife is gonna get tremendously ill and die
5:55
and you know
5:55
we were both 48 years old
5:58
so I I
6:01
looking back I can understand
6:03
and I can give him Grace now
6:04
but at the time it
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it tore me up it was horrible
6:08
so we went to counseling we worked through it
6:12
we tried um
6:13
I was able to go back home for a while
6:16
we tried running the landscaping company together
6:20
um I couldn't do it
6:21
I could I
6:22
I couldn't do landscaping anymore
6:23
so now here goes my livelihood
6:25
my marriage is on the rocks
6:27
my eyesight is gone now my career is gone because
6:32
try to go out in your yard
6:34
and step on a shovel with one eye closed
6:38
you can't do it I could not I
6:40
I would try to put the shovel in the ground
6:42
and step on it and I'd miss it
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and it was so frustrating
6:46
so I did a lot of landscaping design
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and you really need to have depth perception
6:53
to get a good design
6:55
and my last couple designs weren't so good
6:57
because I didn't have the skill of the
7:00
depth perception anymore and my doctor kept telling me
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oh your
7:04
your brain will adapt your brain will adapt
7:07
well 15 years later
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my brain still hasn't adapted
7:10
my brain still wants to look out of my left eye
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that has no vision
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so which um
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which eye is your dominant eye
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my my dominant eye was my left eye
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which is also my ocular melanoma eye
7:22
and some people's their brain
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yeah and some people's brain adapts perfect
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but mine of course
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did not so um
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when I close my eyes I see out of my left eye which
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you know you close your eyes and you can see thing
7:37
you know your imagination
7:39
it's all on my left side still
7:40
and my
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um it causes a lot of issues with writing
7:46
I do typos bad typos
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and I don't see them because
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my brain corrects what it knows it's supposed to say
7:52
whether it says that or not
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so people have gotten some pretty crazy text messages
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and emails from me that make absolutely no sense
7:59
but when I sent it it looked perfectly
8:03
perfectly legible like
8:04
exactly what I wanted to say
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um so there's
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you know there's a lot of stuff
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that goes with losing sight in an eye
8:12
mm hmm
8:13
but because of all of this
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stuff that goes with losing sight in an eye
8:17
being able to draw landscaping plans out the window
8:21
being able to
8:23
to go and look at a yard and be able to say
8:25
this should go here this should go here
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and it'll look good um
8:29
didn't quite work as well
8:31
and we tried for a while but
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we finally decided it was best that we just
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sell the landscaping business
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and just be done so
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so we did and that
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that was probably the best thing
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was just to get rid of that
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and not have that extra burden
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because it was very upsetting
8:48
to have a job that you've done
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a job that you loved um
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something that you look forward to doing
8:54
that you could no longer do it well anymore
8:56
it was a whole another loss
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so now I've had the loss of my vision
9:01
I've had the loss of my marriage
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and I have the loss of my job
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so this is all within just
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you know a few months
9:08
six months probably of being diagnosed and
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and it does mess with you
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so um
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therapy did help I was able to work through that
9:17
but it took a long time I didn't
9:19
it wasn't fair I felt like I was being
9:22
I was being gypped out um
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of a lot you know um
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it's really kind of even hard to explain it exactly
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because
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there's a lot of you that goes
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part of you that goes into denial
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but then
9:40
there's a part of you that also goes the other way
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and makes it worse than it is
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so it it's
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it's this pendulum
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that constantly swings back and forth
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and when I would was in denial I could handle okay
9:53
but then when I would get upset
9:55
and it would just all get too much
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my first go to was I'm terminal
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I I
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that was my badge I'm terminal
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I am terminal and I deserve this
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and you shouldn't treat me this way
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cause I am terminal and I held on to that
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I am terminal
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which was not healthy to have done
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I I should not have
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I should not looking backwards
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I can say that it was a lot harder in the moment but
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but I felt that way I felt like
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this isn't fair I'm a
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I'm terminal I have such a short lifespan
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I should get everything I want
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so
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I probably wasn't the easiest person to live with then
10:31
either because
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I didn't understand
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why I couldn't have everything I wanted
10:35
because dang it
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my life was gonna be short and I'm not gonna be here
10:40
well yeah
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well it's really hard to have a healthy perspective
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and not go into your victim mode
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when you literally are a victim
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and you are getting gypped
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that's
10:48
that's very hard to rationalize that in your head
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and be like no
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I'm fine with this no
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you're not it's okay to not be fine with it
10:56
no no
10:57
no no no
10:58
cause if you if you try too hard to be fine with it
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you're just suppressing those emotions
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and they're gonna come out in another health issue
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or a depression or a
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whatever it's gonna come out as
11:09
so you gotta process it and feel it
11:13
or a fight with your spouse
11:14
or a fight with a family member because
11:17
because you how do you expect them to understand
11:19
and here's the one thing that I Learned out of it
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that that was the most important
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too little too late
11:24
unfortunately was
11:26
I never stopped to think about
11:27
what everybody else was going through
11:29
I was so entrenched in my own victimhood
11:34
that I'd never thought well
11:35
this has to be hard for you too
11:38
you know when my husband said to me
11:40
I'd rather bury you
11:41
I'd rather divorce you now than bury you later
11:44
I know it it
11:45
I was not at a point where I could turn that around
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and be like god
11:49
this must be really hard for you and
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and I I never really looked at it from that side
11:55
I didn't look at it from my children's perspective
11:58
how hard is this for them
12:00
my um
12:00
my family you know
12:02
I mean this was
12:03
this was kind of a big thing um
12:06
that I never
12:08
I couldn't get out of my own way enough
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to look at it from somebody else's perspective
12:12
mm hmm
12:14
yeah that makes sense
12:16
yeah and that was a big
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that was a big lesson
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is that I had to learn how to get out of my way
12:21
and keep my feelings
12:23
and let somebody else feel bad about it as well
12:26
you know cause it's a whole grieving process
12:27
you're grieving you're grieving the life that you had
12:30
you're grieving the life that you could have
12:32
you're you're
12:33
you're grieving things for
12:34
that you don't even know are gonna happen to you
12:36
but because you don't know what the future holds
12:38
you're not ever gonna see it
12:40
you grieve that
12:41
there's just all of these little parts and pieces
12:44
that make they make the diagnosis so hard and
12:50
and it's hard on the whole family
12:52
and that's the one of the things
12:54
that I didn't pay enough attention to
12:56
was how this affected the entire family
12:59
cause I was too caught up in my own
13:04
my own feelings
13:05
and feeling sorry for me and my little pity party
13:08
um
13:09
of course well you only know your feelings
13:12
you know I mean that's
13:13
that's your experience
13:15
well that is true
13:16
but at the same time there is a way
13:18
that you can be compassionate
13:19
towards other people's feelings
13:20
but you know
13:21
unfortunately when you have relationships
13:23
they're not always the healthiest
13:25
and the other your
13:26
the other people in the relationship
13:28
also don't know how to express their feelings either
13:32
so you get anger upon anger
13:34
and then you have two angry people
13:36
and nothing ever really gets discussed
13:38
because you're so busy being angry at each other really
13:41
we were both
13:43
when when you boil down emotions
13:47
there's your base emotions
13:48
and then there's the ripple ones
13:50
the base of anger is fear
13:53
yeah everyone's just afraid
13:56
well we were
13:57
we were horribly afraid and yeah
13:59
but it's easier to have that anger come out
14:02
than the fear and the vulnerability
14:05
yeah yeah
14:07
it it was I
14:08
and I and from my husband's point of view
14:11
I know he was scared and
14:12
I know that this was something that
14:13
he had never happened
14:14
and I know when I had my previous kidney cancer
14:17
that was luckily a real quick
14:18
easy boom boom
14:19
and we were done and I went on with my life and life
14:22
life was fine
14:23
so we never had a fear with the kidney cancer
14:26
they caught it early there was no
14:29
you know there
14:29
the well
14:30
they I did
14:30
was monitored for five years
14:33
there really was never any fear
14:34
that it was gonna come back
14:35
because they caught it so early
14:37
so when you look at that
14:41
and then you look at this ocular melanoma
14:43
the experience is completely different
14:46
so while the kidney cancer
14:48
wasn't a major hurdle in our marriage
14:51
the ocular melanoma was and
14:53
I didn't understand
14:54
why he couldn't be supportive of me
14:55
like he was when I had my kidney cancer
14:58
he was not supportive like that
15:00
instead
15:01
he was very
15:03
what I felt was selfish and he was not understanding
15:06
he wouldn't try to understand
15:07
but again he did the best he could
15:10
so
15:11
now I can go back and realize he did the best he could
15:14
cause I am positive that
15:17
I was not the easiest person to live with back then
15:20
you know and it's
15:21
it's such a healthy mindset
15:23
because not only is that you know
15:26
forgiving him in a way but that's freedom for yourself
15:29
you're letting all of that go to free yourself
15:32
sure and
15:33
and looking ahead for those of you who don't know me
15:35
I we end up
15:36
did end up getting divorced
15:38
um took us many years of of
15:40
you know the
15:41
the battle and the you know
15:43
we were separated for many years
15:44
before the actual ink was dried on the divorce papers
15:47
um and I
15:49
I believe he's married and has a wonderful wife now
15:51
and a wonderful family and I wish him well
15:54
and I truly do mean that
15:56
because sometimes you have too much um
16:00
too many bad things happened to ever really repair
16:03
and even though we tried many times
16:06
I couldn't get over the resentment
16:08
he couldn't get over the resentment
16:09
and it just wasn't it wasn't healthy
16:11
so it was best to just have that parting of ways and
16:17
and we each went and had different lives
16:18
and it and it's worked out great for both of us
16:21
I would like for you to tell them
16:23
about when he got cancer
16:26
oh if you don't mind
16:29
that's not funny but it's funny no
16:32
so we were separated yeah
16:34
and he had gone back to California
16:37
which is another whole funny story
16:38
because I'm the one who didn't want to leave California
16:41
so now I'm in North Carolina
16:42
where he wanted to be and he's back in California
16:45
so he went to California
16:47
and he called me one day and he said
16:52
I want to apologize to you
16:55
apologize for what cause I
16:56
he's got a very long list to apologize for
16:59
so I was like which one would you like to apologize for
17:01
and he said
17:04
I didn't realize how a cancer diagnosis affected you
17:10
I've just been diagnosed with hairy cell leukemia
17:13
and now I understand everything that you went through
17:17
and it was a vindication it
17:20
I felt bad for him but um it was a little bit
17:28
it's a terrible thing for me to say
17:29
but I think it's free it's freeing
17:31
because you're validated
17:33
you're seen and you're validated
17:34
you don't want him to go through that
17:36
you're not wanting anything negative for him
17:38
but the fact that he's saying
17:40
now I get it and I'm sorry
17:42
that what a weight to have lifted off of you
17:45
you know what and that's when things really changed
17:47
honestly
17:48
when I was really able to kind of let a lot of it go
17:51
um but I'm not gonna say I wasn't
17:54
I wasn't real I'm not gonna say happy
17:57
I'm not even relieved but I wasn't a little bit hmm
18:01
see now
18:01
now you know what it's like
18:03
you know and
18:03
and that's not a very good side of me
18:05
but that really is
18:06
after all the things and all the years
18:08
I almost felt like yeah
18:10
now you got it too how does it feel
18:12
um and he's doing fine
18:14
as far as I know he's still alive
18:16
um and that was uh 2000
18:20
I gotta think back I don't know
18:22
maybe 16 17
18:23
somewhere like that so from 2011 to 2017
18:27
we had a lot of we were still married
18:29
but we were separated
18:31
but yeah
18:31
so he he did understand and he did apologize
18:34
and he did now he understands what it the mental
18:38
gymnastics that a cancer diagnosis causes
18:42
because you go all over your head is everywhere you're
18:45
you know you can be happy one day
18:46
sad the next the next hour you're angry
18:49
then you get happy again then
18:51
you know I mean
18:51
it's just the pendulum swings are big
18:55
but um hopefully
18:59
hopefully we the cancer
19:01
especially ocular melanoma
19:03
but hopefully cancer patients now have more help
19:06
on the mental health field
19:07
dealing with the cancer diagnosis
19:10
because I don't I've had two cancers
19:13
and while one was easier than the other
19:14
both of them three
19:18
I feel like you had three
19:20
oh I had a skin cancer
19:21
yeah I mean
19:22
that counts it's still a cancer
19:24
three three guys three
19:27
we just glossed over that one
19:28
I'm just gonna say after ocular melanoma
19:31
the skin cancer was not a big deal
19:32
but I did end up having a big mohs surgery on my hand
19:35
for a skin cancer on my hand
19:37
each one brings with it a something
19:40
you know there's there's
19:42
I don't think anybody with a cancer diagnosis
19:44
comes out unscathed and I
19:47
I if anybody gets anything from this episode is
19:50
go get therapy it helps you um
19:54
it helped me understand me
19:55
it helped me understand how to deal with things
19:59
it helped me understand how to process
20:01
a very short window that you're given to live and
20:05
and how to live it the best that you can
20:08
and try to have the best outlook going forward
20:11
um because if you
20:13
I know from experience when you hold that all in
20:16
it festers
20:18
and it eats at you
20:19
and then you become not a very happy person
20:21
you're not a very nice person
20:23
um it affects your relationships
20:25
not just their reaction to you
20:27
but the way you're reacting to them
20:29
um so
20:30
therapy is a really important thing to look into
20:35
when you are diagnosed
20:37
and get it done as soon as you can because um
20:41
the sooner you enroll in some kind of a therapy
20:44
or counseling program the better your journey will be
20:47
and you your family will be a lot happier as well
20:50
get them involved and encourage them to go as well
20:55
yeah I mean I
20:56
I didn't even know I had issues I had until I started
21:00
just kind of um
21:01
I didn't really have like
21:02
a big trigger that I started doing things
21:04
but I just kind of was like
21:05
I just you know
21:06
everyone's saying do it just preemptively for health
21:09
so I'm gonna start kind of um
21:10
you know seeing someone
21:11
and just kind of see what I need to work on
21:14
and I went in going oh
21:15
I'm just fine I'm fine
21:16
and then I realized that that is a coping mechanism
21:19
and that is toxic and it is bad
21:21
I'm not supposed to show up and be like
21:22
I'm fine and that's why I was saying earlier
21:26
you don't want to just push it down and say you're fine
21:28
cause that's bad too well
21:30
and you feel it
21:32
haha but see
21:33
that's the thing do any of us not have any something
21:35
some kind of baggage from our past
21:37
I mean we all have
21:38
we all do
21:39
so you put you take all this baggage that you have
21:42
that you've been pushing down
21:43
I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine
21:44
and then you get a cancer diagnosis on top of that and
21:48
and you kind of have um
21:51
put too much pressure
21:53
and that pressure has to go somewhere
21:55
and usually it doesn't go in a good direction
21:59
and it causes it causes a lot of relationship issues
22:02
and it causes a lot more health issues within yourself
22:05
because you're not dealing with the stressors
22:07
that you should be dealing with right
22:10
yeah I mean
22:11
I Learned a lot I Learned I
22:13
I should have never married my husband
22:15
I mean honestly
22:17
um
22:18
he he uh
22:20
his personality and my personality just didn't mix
22:22
and um
22:26
the things that you think you're looking for
22:29
when you're not you don't have your life together
22:31
cause I didn't
22:33
well I pretended I had it together and I didn't
22:36
I I did not have anything together
22:38
I was not on top of the world
22:39
I did not I was not managing well
22:42
I was just masking
22:44
it'll come out somewhere somehow
22:45
and like I said usually it's not a good place
22:49
I think
22:49
that's one of the best things about going to therapy
22:51
too is that you're not only realizing who you are
22:57
and not pretending to be somebody else
22:59
or pretending to be this like
23:00
perfect image of what a housewife looks like
23:02
or what a working person looks like
23:04
or what a dad looks like
23:05
or whatever it is that you're trying to fill that role
23:08
and you realize that you don't have to fill that
23:10
and that you already are enough exactly as you are
23:13
and so I think once you start like
23:15
really playing with those ideas and those concepts
23:17
and it's very liberating and very freeing
23:19
and then you just stop caring because you're like
23:21
I was always enough and I don't have to impress anybody
23:24
and I don't have to fit into a box
23:26
and I think that that's very freeing
23:29
I think it is too and I think that's one of the things
23:31
especially with women
23:33
I think women
23:35
we're too hard on ourselves
23:36
we're trying to be the perfect wife
23:38
the perfect mom the perfect daughter
23:39
the perfect perfect
23:40
perfect and you can't be the perfect anything
23:42
it's just it's that
23:43
that's just not gonna ever happen
23:45
so when you when you start piling all this stuff on you
23:49
that you're not good enough
23:50
or two ways you're not good enough
23:52
and you start masking
23:53
or if you start going too much into the victim side
23:56
I deserve I should have
23:58
neither one of those are good places to be
24:01
you know everything happens to you
24:04
I don't wanna say for a reason
24:05
cause nobody likes that term
24:07
but your life is your life
24:08
and you don't have any control of where your life goes
24:12
but you can control some of the energy and some of the
24:18
some of the direction it goes to
24:19
by making better choices and better decisions
24:21
by having good mental health
24:24
absolutely
24:26
sometimes we get really crappy situations
24:28
but we can choose what we do with it
24:30
and how we choose to impact other people
24:34
or you know um
24:36
well like this podcast right here
24:38
you didn't have to come share your story
24:39
you could have just kept this all to yourself
24:42
but you're choosing to to share it
24:43
and hopefully somebody's watching going
24:45
oh my god I feel like this too
24:47
and that's validation and it's helpful so well
24:50
and that's why I want to do it
24:51
to be helpful
24:52
and I have known many ocular melanoma people
24:55
both men and women
24:56
that their marriages have dissolved over the diagnosis
25:00
and and I just
25:01
I I just really want to say
25:03
one part of that is that you can't make somebody stay
25:07
and you can't make somebody expect what you're going
25:10
or accept what you're going through
25:12
so
25:12
if your spouse cannot handle what you're going through
25:18
you can't
25:19
you should not force them to stay to take care of you
25:25
and that seems to be one of the things I've heard
25:27
in the community well
25:29
they left me when I needed them most
25:30
well that's true
25:32
but not everybody is set up to be a caregiver
25:36
not everybody is emotionally equipped to do that
25:39
they just some people just can't carry it
25:42
and as hard as it is to let it go and let them go
25:47
it's probably for the best
25:49
because your spouse is your spouse
25:52
not your caregiver not your nurse
25:54
now it's great when they become a caregiver
25:56
if they're willing
25:57
but not everybody has that ability to do that
26:02
and it's hard
26:03
it is hard I mean
26:04
it's really easy way later for me to say this
26:07
at the time I didn't say this
26:09
but it's just something for people to think about
26:11
that have had their relationships severed
26:15
and ocular melanoma seem to be the
26:18
the trigger I can assure you it was not
26:21
it was just the icing on the cake right
26:24
and now you're with somebody new
26:27
who I think is such a better fit
26:30
not only for you but I like him much better
26:34
so well
26:35
he likes you too well
26:37
I think he's wonderful
26:38
and you would have never found him
26:39
had you not lived the life you've lived
26:42
and that's another thing that we have to remember
26:44
yeah we don't like that term
26:45
everything happens for a reason
26:46
we don't like that but to get to where you're going
26:51
you have to live your journey
26:53
and if
26:53
if it's crappy and it's got potholes and it's got mud
26:56
puddles and it sucks hopefully
26:59
there's gonna be something good
27:01
that you're working to get toward
27:04
and so that's kind of the hope
27:05
that we'd like to leave you with is
27:08
you know yeah
27:08
she went through all of that
27:10
and it was not great and it was awful
27:13
but if she was still married to him
27:15
she wouldn't have found the person she's with now
27:17
and he I mean
27:19
I don't want to speak for you
27:20
and say he was worth all of that
27:21
but at least if you had to go through it
27:24
you have him now
27:26
well so this is just the the
27:29
the end of the road right now is
27:32
I moved away from my marital home
27:35
I bought a house in a very small town that I love
27:39
um I mean
27:40
I love I live in Edenton
27:41
and I love it I have a house that I love
27:44
it's all mine I found a perfect partner
27:47
and that's working out great
27:50
um love his family
27:51
love him I
27:52
it's just everything just kind of fell into place
27:56
but it didn't it wasn't just the divorce
27:59
it wasn't just the move it was a lot of work
28:02
a lot of years of work on myself
28:04
a lot of years of counseling um
28:07
and trusting the process
28:08
trusting that this is the direction I need to go
28:12
and I will say for me
28:15
all of this stuff that I went through
28:16
was worth it to get here
28:19
because I Learned valuable lessons
28:21
that I would have never Learned
28:22
had I not gone through what I went through
28:24
and I'm talking way way back from my
28:27
you know childhood
28:28
teenage early adult
28:29
and on years you know um
28:32
dysfunction and stuff runs rampant in my family
28:35
so I was the queen bee of it
28:38
I
28:38
I love dysfunction because I thought that's all I knew
28:41
so you know
28:42
a narcissistic personality was
28:44
oh yeah
28:44
that's what I gravitated to because that's what I knew
28:47
but it wasn't healthy for me and
28:49
and it's I still have times where
28:51
you know I think
28:53
how come you're not mad at me
28:54
and Fenton will say well
28:55
why should I be mad at you
28:56
it's like well
28:57
I don't know
28:58
somebody's just usually mad at me for something
29:00
you know and
29:01
and it you
29:02
it's hard to break those old
29:03
those old patterns
29:05
you're surprised when there's no toxic behavior
29:07
you're like wait a minute
29:09
you're just being normal what the heck
29:11
it is so nice just to have a quiet life
29:14
no ups and downs it's just
29:17
everything is just I'm
29:18
not that it's perfect but
29:20
but it's quiet it's just very even
29:23
I love yes
29:24
I love even I love peaceful
29:26
I just love no drama and that's where I'm at now
29:30
so peaceful is what I strive for
29:33
yeah I do
29:34
think it was worth everything I went through
29:35
to get here because I appreciate it more
29:38
I appreciate my life more
29:40
um and
29:41
you know getting past the two to five years I
29:45
I can look at life a little differently now
29:47
that I don't take as many things for granted
29:49
I still take things for granted
29:51
but not as many yeah
29:53
well I have kind of a perspective that I've heard
29:58
that I like to think about
30:01
and this just works for me
30:02
so if if you think this is stupid
30:03
just disregard but um
30:05
when we get into the why me
30:07
why is this happening I don't wanna hear
30:09
everything happens for a reason
30:10
I don't wanna hear there's a plan like
30:12
you know it's not fair
30:12
whatever if
30:13
if we think about it as earth is a school
30:17
like we're at
30:17
we're in earth school
30:19
that kind of shifted my perspective a little bit of
30:21
like you know
30:23
whatever
30:23
your religious ideas are where you think you go after
30:25
if you go somewhere after whatever you think
30:28
you can apply this we're here to learn lessons
30:32
we're here to do things
30:33
we're not here to have this perfect
30:36
flawless life where everything's perfect
30:39
none of us have that if
30:40
if we were meant to have that
30:41
we'd all have it
30:41
but we're all here going through struggles and trials
30:44
and trying to figure things out why
30:47
because we're in school we're in earth school
30:49
so I don't know if that helps you
30:50
but whenever I get kind of like oh
30:52
why is this happening I think
30:54
what am I supposed to learn from this
30:55
and how can I grow and how can I be better after this
30:57
and then
30:58
how can I move forward and implement this in my life
31:02
and be a better person because I'm in earth school
31:04
so I don't know if that helps
31:05
but well
31:07
that that's
31:07
I mean I don't look at
31:08
I never looked at like that
31:09
but that's a really great analogy
31:11
but that's one thing I do try
31:12
that I Learned
31:13
through my therapy and counseling for many years was
31:15
what's the lesson here what am I supposed to take away
31:18
what am I supposed to learn
31:19
how is this gonna make me grow as a person
31:22
instead of taking it as a
31:24
being a victim why is this happening to me
31:27
I I
31:27
I looked at it as what can I learn from here
31:30
you know and
31:31
and I was a pusher I
31:32
I was I push things
31:34
I wanted something I pushed till I got it
31:36
and now I've Learned to not be such a pusher
31:39
and to just sit back and let things happen
31:40
in the way that they're supposed to happen
31:42
and it's much more peaceful than being that pusher
31:45
trying to trying to make everything happen
31:47
the way I want it to happen
31:49
yeah that's
31:50
it doesn't you can push all you want
31:52
it's not gonna happen that way
31:54
don't frustrate yourself right right yeah
31:56
but you know I
31:57
I think the biggest takeaway from
32:00
on my side
32:01
was that everything that you're going through
32:05
it's like a ripple effect
32:06
it affects you
32:07
but then it goes out and affects your family
32:09
your extended family it affects your friends
32:12
and as it just keeps rippling out
32:16
be aware
32:17
as the person in the middle that started the ripple
32:20
whether intentionally or not you started it
32:22
your cancer started it
32:24
the way you're dealing with your cancer
32:26
or however whatever that may be
32:28
but take a look into the pebble that started the ripple
32:32
and be mindful of how that ripple
32:35
is affecting those outside of you because uh
32:38
it's not just about you it affects a much broader area
32:43
than what most of us can think about at the time
32:46
when we're dealing with something so heavy
32:49
you know I never one time asked my husband
32:51
or my family never asked my kids
32:54
how is my cancer affecting you
32:56
I mean I never
32:57
ever thought to ask that how
32:59
how are you doing with my diagnosis
33:01
are you okay never it was all me
33:07
yeah I mean no
33:08
nobody teaches you how to have cancer
33:09
nobody says hey
33:11
you have cancer let me tell you what to think
33:12
what to say what to do
33:13
you don't know I wish there was a handbook
33:16
that would tell me what to do
33:17
well we could write one
33:19
I probably wouldn't read it though
33:22
no but I just think
33:23
I think that that's a that's the lesson is
33:25
is look at the ripples because you
33:28
no matter how well you're handling it there's ripples
33:31
and ask your friends and family
33:33
how are you dealing with this
33:34
I hear a lot of things in the support groups
33:36
my friends all they
33:37
they don't want to
33:38
they don't want to talk to me anymore
33:39
because they don't want to talk about cancer
33:40
well I will say this
33:42
you have a life outside of cancer
33:44
live it
33:46
cancer does not define you
33:47
and cancer is not your life now
33:49
so live your life without cancer
33:52
visit cancer when you have to and
33:54
but
33:56
I know nobody wants to hear all about you
33:59
and your cancer and your eye and your liver and your
34:02
everything all the time
34:04
they wanna hear about what you did for fun
34:06
and how's your work or your school
34:08
or your kids or your family doing
34:11
where'd you go on vacation
34:12
go on vacation don't sit around and not go on vacation
34:15
you know that the we
34:16
I think we allow cancer to steal so much from us
34:20
don't let cancer take your friends away
34:22
just act differently to your friends
34:24
you know before you had cancer
34:26
you never discuss cancer with them
34:27
so why is that the topic all the time now
34:31
yeah and I think that applies for anything
34:32
like you don't wanna have a friend
34:34
that only talks about one thing
34:35
whether it's cancer or their sewing club or their
34:39
you know whatever
34:40
if they only talk about one thing
34:41
you're gonna get bored and you're gonna be like okay
34:43
I can't deal with that person
34:44
I think we all could relate to that
34:46
and nobody wants to have that
34:48
someone else's troubles dumped on them to fix it or to
34:52
you know
34:54
it it's just
34:54
it's too much to
34:55
to try to have other people fix your stuff for you
34:59
you know keep
35:00
you know compartmentalize a little bit
35:02
you can compartmentalize your cancer
35:04
it doesn't have to be your end all
35:06
do all everyday thing
35:07
it's a lot easier for me to say now than it was then
35:10
but I still have side effects of my cancer
35:13
I still don't see out of my left eye
35:14
I'm still a klutz I still don't
35:16
I still don't see things I still fall down
35:18
I still spill I
35:20
I still do all of these things
35:22
and you know
35:22
I blame it all on ocular melanoma
35:24
but in a jokingly way now
35:27
and I can see the humor in it
35:29
but it's taking me a very long time to get here
35:32
so don't think
35:33
that this is something that you can just do
35:35
right out of the gate because it does take
35:37
it's a journey and and live your journey
35:40
but just be careful of the potholes along the way
35:42
cause sometimes they're deep
35:44
and they trap you for a while
35:45
and you can't get out of them
35:46
and then you're in a pity party
35:48
and that's not good
35:49
but at least if you know that that's a pothole
35:52
you know you're just in it for a little bit
35:53
and you know that that's not the end all that
35:56
that's just a little pothole on the way
35:58
yep and there's lots of potholes
36:00
but in the end you know
36:02
I think
36:03
if we can navigate those potholes a little bit better
36:06
everybody is in your circle is happier
36:09
I agree well everyone
36:11
we are gonna wrap up episode 2 there
36:13
but we do wanna say it is January
36:15
it is mental health awareness month
36:17
so please check on your mental health
36:19
check on your friends mental health
36:20
your families um
36:22
make an appointment to see someone
36:23
whether you have a diagnosis or not
36:25
just because
36:26
you never know what you might get out of it
36:27
it's worth trying
36:29
and if you need someone to talk to
36:31
if you need a buddy we have resources on the website
36:35
a current site.org
36:36
you can join the Cure Companions program
36:38
where we team up a veteran Omie
36:40
and a newbie and you can have a buddy to kind of
36:44
help you walk through it
36:44
you can volunteer your time to be the veteran buddy and
36:48
um also our Tuesday night zoom groups
36:50
you can join our zoom every Tuesday
36:52
there's a regular room and a metastatic
36:54
so
36:55
you can choose the room that fits your mood that night
36:57
your comfort level and you can connect
37:00
and you can talk about the cancer
37:01
and the icky stuff there and then talk about the light
37:04
fun things with your friends
37:06
who maybe don't want to talk about that
37:07
so we have those resources for you
37:09
we hope you'll take advantage
37:10
and we will see you guys in episode three
37:12
so stay tuned and follow along