Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 82: Building Emotional and Relational Capacity

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82: Building Emotional and Relational Capacity · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

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Hey everybody, I have something for you and I have a
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announcement of sorts. I want to introduce you today
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the first of it 12 episode series that's tied to our phase
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two to recovery services men's program slash groups.
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I wanted to create this to give you some clarity around the part
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of recovery that is might be not very well understood.
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Let's name what phase two work is and phase two exists with the
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betraying partner and the betrayed partner, the partner in
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healing and the partner seeking recovery, individual seeking
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recovery. So Phase 2 is often overlooked
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because many men believe that recovery should feel resolved or
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once that behavior stabilizes and just want to acknowledge
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that many men stop acting out, but still feel emotionally
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confused, relationally disconnected, are unsure why
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repair isn't even happening. So let's clarify what this why
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this series exists. It's because choose recovery
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services recognize that consistently there are men out
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there who are sober who are internally but are still
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internally fragmented and they're feeling really
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discouraged. So we just want to define Phase
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2 is like it's developmental, It's not corrective.
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It's not about fixing what's wrong, but it's about building
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emotional and relational capacities that were never fully
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formed, that work that was never done before.
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So I want to we're going to frame phase two work as work
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focused on integration. And it's about meaning making,
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it's about grief, and it's about becoming someone internally, not
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just behaving differently. So I just want to set the
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expectation this series or is going to Orient people to Phase
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2. It does not replace the work
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itself. So I don't think you can just
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listen to the series and know exactly what you're in phase
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two, but you'll get a glimpse of it and then you can decide
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whether it's something that you need to engage in that's a
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missing part of your work. OK, so that's what we're going
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to be doing for the next 12 episodes.
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Let's talk about what we're going to talk about today.
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Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
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I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
2:13
in this space today. What we're going to be doing is
2:15
diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
2:19
authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
2:22
about a single action or a moment.
2:24
It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
2:27
a rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
2:30
So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
2:33
regular listener, know this. What you're building here goes
2:36
beyond a conversation. You're here to challenge, to
2:38
change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
2:42
your authentic self. Because when you dare to.
2:44
Show up fully the. Rewards are immeasurable, so
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welcome to Beyond the Facade. Let's get started.
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I just want to Dame the experience that I though I come
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across often and that we come across often that are in a group
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setting or around people are overcoming compulsive behavior.
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Notice the people are genuinely trying in recovery, OK, And they
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still are feeling like something important is missing.
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And I just want to highlight the confusion and of efforts not
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leading to safety or closeness. That was super confusing for
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some men. I'm sober, I'm not making that
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same behavior, but my life's not different.
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My world doesn't look different. They didn't create something
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necessarily where we came closer in our relationship.
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So what's that about? OK, so let me give you the core
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concept. So this episode is going to
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focus on emotional maturity and why most people or most men or
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most betraying partners misunderstand what it actually
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is. I want to position this concept
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as it's foundational for understanding what stalled
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recovery is all about. OK, so this episode is about
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emotional maturity is capacity, not behavior.
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Can I say that again, emotional maturity is capacity, not
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behavior. So how most men define emotional
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maturity is emotional maturity is often defined by outward
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behavior. OK.
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So it would be defined as like I could, I could stay calm.
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I follow, I'm following the rules.
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I'm not reacting strongly. I'm using the right language.
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So calmness is often confused with regulation.
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All right. And silence is often confused
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with like presence, being present with somebody and
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compliance, this is my favorite one.
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Compliance is often confused with growth.
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So progress is often it's measured by what has stopped
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happening rather than what the person can now tolerate
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internally. I think that's like the biggest
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point today. So progress is often measured by
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what has stopped happening rather than what the person can
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now tolerate internally. So this creates this fragile
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sense of maturity that really collapses underneath relational
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stress. So we just want to notice like
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the ends up being so fragile, this state, internal state that
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we end up collapsing. That's what we want to just
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notice. So let's talk about where that
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definition breaks down. So this definition fells when
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partners remain hurt despite behavior change.
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OK, so often the men that I work with, they feel confused.
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They feel they don't want to say this, OK, And by the way, this
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is the next word. OK, they feel confused, but they
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also feel resentful. There's they've or shamed
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whether like that effort doesn't like translate into repair.
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They're like, ah, so much work. I'm doing so much work and still
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nothing's different. But those emotional reactions,
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they serve us unexpectedly. They don't, they don't really
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know when they're going to pop up or when they do.
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It looks like they're leading to defensiveness, like they're it's
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explanation, it's withdrawing, it's shutting down, it's lashing
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out. And the because those are look
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for reactions, they, they don't really know when they're going
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to happen or really what that reaction is about.
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So without without that deeper framework, people, the men that
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I work with are going to oscillate between like over
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efforting. Is that really a word over
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efforting? So men oslate between that.
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Yeah, I'll just use it over efforting and disengaging.
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OK, so this is that extreme back and forth, like a lot of effort
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and then I disengage because I just can't take it anymore.
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So that word capacity that I brought up earlier, what does
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capacity actually mean? Emotional capacity is awareness
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of your internal state, like in real time.
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OK, so it's what is happening inside of me right now.
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What is going on? It is your ability to stay
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present within that side of that discomfort because that's what
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it feels like. That shame, that grief, I can
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stay present with it. I'm not running from it, I'm
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learning it. And that's the word tolerance
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for emotional pain without collapsing or attacking
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yourself, giving yourself that internal beat down.
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If I need to do better, I need to try harder.
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And that capacity to hold conflict, conflicting emotions
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simultaneously. I think Alana does a beautiful
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job saying that's the power of the end.
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I have two things that exist at one time, conflicting emotions,
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shamed and I'm angry. Just that it can be complex
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inside of us. And then we what capacity
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actually means. We have the emotional capacity,
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which is what I just talked about.
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Then we have a relational capacity, what's where we are
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remaining emotionally available while another person has been
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distressed. We can see them in that space
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and we're not trying to fix it. We're allowing our partners
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experience without correcting or minimizing it.
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We're holding accountability without the need to reassure.
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And that's interesting that those things could exist in the
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same place. I'm accountable and I don't have
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to create reassurance for my partner.
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I can be with them in that experience.
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I'm holding myself accountable to where we're actually at right
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now on participating in repair without rushing to closure, not
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needing to. I can say with my partner and
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have no necessary closure in that experience.
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I can sit there and be in repair without needing her to never to
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get over it, to move on. Relational capacity is the
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second part. Here's the third capacity that I
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want to talk about here for a second, nervous system capacity.
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So that's recognizing activation early.
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I can sense it earlier rather than all sudden what I reflect
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back going what what just happened.
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It's standing present rather than defaulting to fight or
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flight or freeze or fawn. We'll talk about those often in
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Group. What are those response modes?
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What is my typical go to and regulating internally instead of
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outsourcing regulation like I can do it inside of me.
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I don't need my partner to show up a certain way for me to be
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OK. Or just frankly anybody else
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that comes internally that nervous system capacity
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increases. The other part of nervous system
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capacity is remaining. Like this word often hurt a lot
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and I kind of didn't like at the beginning, and I know the reason
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why Now it's remaining embodied rather than intellectualizing.
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So instead of being up in here, I'm in here.
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I'm in my body. I recognize what my body is
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experiencing and instead of just trying to think my way through
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it, OK, That's what capacity actually means.
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And we're going to talk, talk about why sobriety doesn't in
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create capacity. So interesting.
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So when I get sober, it doesn't mean I'm emotionally mature.
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Sobriety removes behavior, OK, but not the internal system that
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relied on them. OK, so sobriety removes
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behavior, but not the internal system that relied on them.
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So I have a system that took place, system a process and my
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lack of behavior doesn't change that system.
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So addictive behaviors often function as an emotional
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regulation tool. So when I remove my behavior, it
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exposes my emotional underdevelopment.
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And that's guys, that's beautiful to notice.
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Like that's such a key part of recovery.
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When I remove that behavior. And This is why we call that
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stage in recovery shock is because now I don't have my own
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behavior and all my bodies freaking outgoing, like wait,
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you don't have a coping mechanism now.
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So shock, I'm raw and I'm open to to now what is reality.
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So when I remove that behavior, I expose that emotional
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underdevelopment and that early sobriety can increase
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dysregulation and confusion. So just notice that like early
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sobriety often goes like I think things are getting worse.
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They're not getting better because sobriety opens the door
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and development must follow unless all behavior creeps back
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in. So that sobriety like here's the
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door it opens. I got sobriety now, and now what
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can come in development can because something has to exist
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when the old behavior is gone and it has to be a new process.
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OK, let's just talk about here for a second.
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Our partners, the people that we hurt, and I want to give them a
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little bit. So we don't have a lot of
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listeners that are partners. They're in healing the betrayed
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partner. The relational translation here
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is low capacity often feels like it's fragile and that looks like
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emotional absence to a partner. OK, so just think about if
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you're the partner in healing or you think about your partner
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when you're low on emotional maturity, that shows up as
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emotional absence to your partner.
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And because partners are going to feel that pressure to manage
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that person's emotions or what or withhold certain information
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like it's really kind of take via caretaker of them, they feel
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that pressure. So we just want to recognize the
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effort alone doesn't register as safety.
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So if you're the partner in healing, just want to speak to
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you, just notice, just because my partner has effort that
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doesn't register that I feel safe.
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It might at times because that safety is communicated through
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that person being present and that person being able to
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regulate inside of themselves and not needing you to be OK.
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So think about like your partner shows up, they're regulated,
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they're present, that feels safe.
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And that's not because of all the effort they're putting in.
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That's not the work that they're showing you.
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That's how they're showing up. So that the defensive
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explanations that they give you when they collapse to the shame,
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that just increases the distance and the emotional, the increases
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the distance or the emotional labor you have to put in for
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your partner. So I think just in this
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relational transition piece, I just want you to notice like
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when we have low emotional maturity, it comes across as
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emotional absence, like my partner's not there as we're
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talking about these 12 episodes throughout this next period of
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time. So the core concept here is
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emotional maturity is capacity and it's not behavior.
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So we're going to work on increasing our capacity or
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knowing what at least what it exists and what it consists of.
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Capacity isn't going to be, it's not going to be roster, it's not
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going to be forces. Why it takes so long, OK, is
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because we don't increase capacity else and it's not
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something we can buy or purchase or borrow from somebody else.
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It's just it's grows inside of us.
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And that emotional development happens through repeated
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relational experiences, repeated exposure to those raw feelings.
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So frustration of the stage is common, and it signals the need
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for deeper work. I want to just give this phase
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two invitation and just recognize phase two exists to
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build emotional, relational, and nervous system capacity.
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That works slow, right? And it happens relationally.
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It's experiential, it's practiced, it's understood
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through implementation. OK.
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We just want to focus on internal organization.
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What's happening inside of me? Integration, having my parts get
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to know each other and not hate each other.
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Those parts of us that we can't get rid of, the parts of us that
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we need to learn and know. So it's not about behavioral
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compliance. It's not about checking the
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boxes. So the aim here is to become
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someone that's. Safe by being.
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Present in your relationship, being present with yourself.
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And Phase 2 is where that inside becomes a lived capacity, right?
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I'm excited for you to spend some time with you as we
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continue to go through these episodes and we start off with
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what emotions, what emotional capacity actually is and what
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it's not. So anyway, looking forward to
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the next view as you go through this content, just recognize it
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exists inside of our men's groups, our phase two men's
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groups. And if you want to explore them,
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come spend some time with us and get to know more what it's
14:55
about. I will share with you that as we
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build this out and it's already built, it already exists, but as
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we build it out, it's meant to compliment the betraying, what
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the betraying partner is experiencing in a group setting
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in their work. So y'all can talk about this so
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they're aligning. But anyway, appreciate you
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spending time with me. Looking forward to the next one
15:20
if. You're a man who's trying to
15:21
show up differently for your partner after betrayal.
15:23
Then listen closely. The Helper Heal Intensive is a
15:26
four day immersive experience built for men who are ready to
15:29
take responsibility, build emotional skill and become safer
15:33
partners. This isn't talk therapy, it's a
15:35
hands on training and how to regulate, listen and respond
15:39
without getting defensive when things get hard at home.
15:42
You'll work alongside other men who are also serious about
15:45
change in a focused, confidential setting so you're
15:48
not trying to figure this out alone.
15:50
My name is Hallie Roderick and I'm both a professional and
15:53
someone who's lived through betrayal recovery.
15:55
Our team is here to give you the structure, the tools, and the
15:58
feedback you need to show up with consistency and integrity
16:02
in a way that supports real safety for your wife.
16:05
You'll leave with a clear plan for how to act differently,
16:08
communicate better, and continue rebuilding trust when you go
16:11
home. Check out the show notes For
16:13
more information or how to register.
16:15
If you're serious about helping her heal, this is where you
16:18
start. Hey, thanks for joining us
16:24
today. If this is something that.
16:26
You connected with. I'd love to meet with you more
16:28
and talk about it. So what you can do is go to
16:31
chooserecoveryservices.com. Or check the show notes.
16:34
And there what we can do is set up a quick conversation.
16:37
Thanks. So much for listening to beyond
16:39
the facade where we unmask the authentic self.