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The Subtle Signs Of Toxic Relationships And What To Do Next · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey guys, Doc David here.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about toxic people.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Hedge Drinking.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Your answers to life, relationships, and daily living.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Hey all, Doc David here.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm coming live from my office, office.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Well, when you listen to this, it will not be alive anymore.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm live to myself, and it is horribly raining hard outside.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: We have officially entered fall, which, yay, fall, so great.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to talk a little bit about toxic people.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: We we run into lots of kinds of people in our lives: happy people, negative people, high energy people, low energy people, toxic people, gaslighting people, all kinds of people.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: And all these people have different upbringings, different kinds of experiences in life, and different ways that they handle trauma, I suppose, different ways that they handle stress, different ways that they handle good things that happen in their life.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: And one of the things that I've run into a lot in my counseling office and actually in my own personal life is this idea of toxicity in relationships.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: And so that what is defined as toxicity is gonna depend on the person that you interact with, right?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: So so a lot of times I'm interacting with people who are divorced, and often the two big words that come up are, oh, my ex is toxic or my ex is a narcissist.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: And and definitely narcissists, that's a thing, and you know it's a topic for another conversation for sure.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Along with toxicity and narcissism is another phrase called gaslighting, which on my Instagram I've posted before, and I think I might do a podcast on that as well.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: But let's talk about toxicity.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: The the thing about toxic relationships is you they're kind of subtle at times, right?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: There's the obvious ones when they're just offensive to you, they're angry, they're they're blaming, right?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Those are those are the ones that are easy to spot, and those are the ones that are easy to navigate because you can put up pretty clear boundaries.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: The ones that I've interacted with in my own family are not easy to spot because there's a combination of toxicity and gaslighting that gets used.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And with gaslighting, the biggest thing is if you leave an interaction with someone and you're second guessing yourself, like, did this really happen?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Did I really was I really outrageous?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Was I really rude?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so, like, you're second guessing yourself, and that's what makes gaslighting so crazy, is like and mind-boggling.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: But again, gaslighting is for another day.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk toxicity.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so one of the so as I've worked with people and as I've experienced it in my own life, there's been a couple traits that come up with people that are toxic, or there's a couple things to watch for when you're in a toxic relationship.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: One is a thing one of the things they do is they threaten.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Now, we're not talking physical threats.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: They the the threat that they do is a threat of, well, I guess I'll just cut off this relationship, essentially.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: And that can be said a variety of ways.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: But that's that's the biggest one.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like they a person that's toxic, they play a martyr, right?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's either one way or it's a swing.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: If you mention something to them, they take the extreme opposites, right?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: So if you say something like, hey, this thing you said was kind of hurtful, well, fine, I'll never say anything ever again, right?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's so outrageous.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because that first off, that's untrue.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: They will probably say something again.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: But it it sh points to this idea that they're not taking what you're saying seriously, they're just being so extreme about it and outrageous about it that with the hope of diffusing it, right?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: As they're the martyrs, so they'll do the thing that's just the most drastic thing.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times, toxic people don't have a lot of friends because their toxicity is it's not just exclusive to one person, it's ex it's out to a lot of people.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Now they will have friends, and they're they may have one or two friends that are close, that are their confidants.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: That and and that's uh that's a weird relationship when that happens, and I can't fully explain why that is.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: And perhaps it's because they're not emotionally connected to that person well, and so then they don't get they don't get triggered by that person or whatever.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't know the exact reason.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: They this this threat happens, and you as the person that's interacting with this toxic person potentially get confused because it's like, whoa, whoa, where where are we going here?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: I I just was letting you know something that hurt me, and you took it to this next ultra level that where it shouldn't have gone.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: The problem with toxic people, you'll point that out, and they don't pay attention to it.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: They'll just go on to the next thing.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: They ignore whatever the issue is and they just go on to the next thing.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: And that's that leads me to the next thing that toxic people tend to do.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: They totally ignore valid issues that you bring up that have to do with them.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: They will easily tell you what you're doing wrong in a relationship, and you can own it, and you can say, Oh, I'm sorry.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: I did not mean to hurt your feelings.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: I did not mean to, I didn't mean this, I didn't want to imply this, right?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: You can take full ownership of your stuff, and the confusing part is that you're thinking, oh, I'm owning my stuff, I'm apologizing.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: So there should be some reciprocity here.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: I should be able to take this time now to talk to them about some of the things that are kind of challenging me in this relationship with what they do.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: You will try that.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: I guarantee you you'll try that, and they will not apologize, and they'll ignore it and move on to the next issue that they have with you.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Try it.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like, find if you know that you have a toxic person in your life, I I challenge you to go to them and say, hey, there's this thing that you do that's been really hurtful to me.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Now, a typical person would apologize, like, oh, I'm I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: A person that's toxic will immediately take the low emotional intelligence route and say, Oh, well, well, you do this to me.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: And then forget that you were hurt, but then make it all about their hurt, their alleged hurt, and try to get you to apologize.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: And you will, because you're reasonable, and it will not get resolved because that's the core of toxicity.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: They don't take responsibility for their bad behavior.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: They assume things, and they believe no matter what you're saying, you are wrong.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: And that they believe other people, they don't believe you.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: They'll believe other third-party stories, but they won't believe you.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: And a simple explanation about why you did something will not suffice.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: And whatever you're talking about, or however you're explaining it, is not believed.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: I had this recently happen to me with a family member, like three weeks ago, four weeks ago.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: I I was interacting with them and they told me a story.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: They said, Well, this is what I did, right?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Not me, but they said what they did.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: It was a it was an actual lie.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I pointed out how I knew it was a lie, and we had texted back and forth, and the text showed that this person was being untruthful.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: So it's there, black and white, for them to see.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: And immediately, instead of saying, You're right, I misspoke, or you're right, I'm sorry, I misunderstood.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: But I was willing to give benefit of the doubt, like that there is a misunderstanding, but no, like dug both feet in, was unwilling to address it, and immediately ended the conversation with a passive aggressiveness, like, oh, you're always right, right?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's another thing about toxicity.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: When a person is backed into a corner, rather than own their bad behavior, they'll just become passive aggressive.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: They'll tell you, like, oh, you're right, you're always right, and then just end the conversation.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: And obviously, a a person's not always right.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: I can acknowledge that I'm not always right about things.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I also can acknowledge that I I apologize when I know that I'm wrong about something.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Or when someone says, hey, this thing hurt me.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm sorry, I had no intention of hurting you.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: A toxic person can't do that.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: And when confronted with when they're backed into a corner, they still won't do it because their ego is so fragile, and they just end a conversation with some at least in my experience, they ended a conversation in a very passive aggressive way that provided no resolution for anything.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: So they assume, they they don't apologize.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: Again, I challenge you.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: If you know someone that's that is in your life that you think is toxic, see if they'll apologize for uh some perceived bad behavior that they you know, go to them and say, Hey, you did this thing and it was hurtful to me.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: See if they apologize.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: They will not apologize.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: This is the hallmark of a toxic person.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: They prioritize their feelings over actual truth.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Listen to that again.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: You're talking about things and they are more focused on how they feel about something rather than the actual truth of it.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's again mind-boggling because when there's a truth when when there's truth out there, uh sure, sometimes feelings gets hurt gets hurt, but if there's this truth, as in my instance, I I f there's this truth that I confronted this person with, and they immediately went to the passive-aggressive stance and how oh, I'm always right.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: And isn't that the way it always goes?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, uh the other thing toxic people tend to do is use absolutes.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: If you're using an absolute, it usually means that something that you're being absolute about is not true.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: In my office, I have a sign that says no absolutes, because absolutes are like, you never do this, you always do this.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: That is that's so unuseful in relationships to do that.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because it creates this idea, it creates this defensiveness around like, wait, I didn't do that last week when we had the conversation.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: So how are you saying now that I do it all the time?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because I don't do it all the time.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: So it it's this lie that get that gets created, and people want to die on this absolute you always do this thing.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: My kids hate it because I may because I I think a lot of times it's just kind of a a way people talk.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so I call my kids out on that all the time and they hate it.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: And but the thing is, my kids now start correcting themselves when we have conversations.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: They don't say, You dad, you always, or mom, you always, every time this happens, because it's not true, it doesn't happen all the time and every time.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: So those are those for me, those are some hallmarks that show up when I interact with certain people.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: And what I do about it now is I recognize those people are most likely not going to change.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so I have to be careful on how I interact with them and the information that I choose to give to them.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I have zero expectation that things are going to be different.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you have a little slight expectation that something's gonna be different, you're generally gonna be disappointed.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Again, my challenge to you on this if you're like, oh, David, that's not true.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, David, you don't know what you're talking about.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: I may not, right?
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I encourage you to go find that person that you think is toxic and see if they're willing to apologize to you about something, see if they're willing to have a reasonable conversation with you about something.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: But guess what?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: Chances are you won't because you know that they won't apologize and they won't have a reasonable conversation.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: So the thing you can do when you're in a relationship like this is take care of yourself.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: You can't have expectations on them to change unless they're in like serious therapy or something.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so what you can do is create boundaries for yourself about what information you're gonna share with them, how often you're gonna interact with them, and what to do when the interaction goes awry.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: Those are all things that you, the listener, can be in charge of.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, have a great weekend.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: If you have any questions, drop me a line at headshrinkinc in c at gmail.com.