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The 3 Words Destroying Your Kid's Confidence · The Parent Tap

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the parent tab.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: We don't do fluff here, we build blueprints.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Most parents operate on a reactive verbal system.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: A boundary is crossed, we yell, we label the kid, and the cycle repeats.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Today we are fixing that system.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: We brought in Jodi Hill.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: She has an executive coaching background and is the author of The Parent Secret to Superpower.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Jodi, welcome to the show.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_03: Thanks for having me, Ryan.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_03: I love chatting with other parents, and you are a fellow parent, so I'm excited.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I am, yes, I have two little ones.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's why I wanted to have you on this show because I want to talk about friction points.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And you specialize in this.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm going to start with a question and then you can take that question and then introduce yourself to the audience.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Again, this is Jody Hill.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: But most parents think calling out bad behavior stops it.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: So if your kid leaves a room a disaster, we walk in and we're like, why is your room messy?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I told you to clean it up, right?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And you argue that this is a critical operational failure because it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: So walk us through the psychological real realities of why our default corrections are actually destroying their behavioral baselines.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_03: So what I do in a nutshell is I help parents take one of the most powerful tools that they have in their tool belt, which is their words, and use it to raise confident and capable kids and also become the loudest and most positive voice in a child's life.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_03: And so this particular example that you've given, what I would first love to ask the parents is when you make a mess or make a mistake, what helps you the most?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_03: Is it when someone comes in and points out all the negative things and then just tells you what to do?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_03: Not so helpful.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_03: And is it encouraging to do better next time?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_03: Not so much.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_03: And the thing to understand is like we are adults, we have a fully developed brain.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_03: Some are maybe more developed than others, but that's besides the point, right?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: But our children, their brains don't even develop until they're around 21 years old.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_03: So you have this child who doesn't even have the logical understanding of I see that my dad is really frustrated with my messy room.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_03: And so I'm gonna clean it up so we're not frustrated.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_03: Like they're not even, they're not thinking that, right?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_03: All of the all the only message that they can often receive from situations like this, where you come in, you see a room, you're like, oh my gosh, your room is so messy, you're a mess.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_03: Go ahead and clean this up.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_03: Why are you so lazy?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_03: Why are you not picking up your room?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_03: All they hear is, I'm a mess and I'm lazy.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_03: Kids get their identity from us.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_03: We are the first people who bestow identity on them.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: And if they start hearing all of these negative words, I'm a mess, I'm lazy.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_03: You know what that happens?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_03: Like after that starts to shape as their identity in their life, that is start to who they become.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_03: Because you have your beliefs, which shape your identity, and your identity shapes your actions and how you show up in the world.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_03: So, in that simple scenario, what I would have done instead was be like coming in and be like, oh wow, okay, your room needs a little bit of help.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_03: You know what?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_03: I have seen you guys put away things really good before.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_03: And I love Ember, how you organize, have organized your books over here.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_03: You have some really great organizational traits that I love about you.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, let's go ahead and let's take a few minutes and let's reset our room so we can feel fresh and alive and find our toys easily.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_03: That would be a way better way to handle that scenario.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Love that.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then Jody, did you want to do a quick introduction?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: I already did in the cold open, but just in case I missed something, I want to, I want the audience to know your background, your expertise, and maybe even like your home life, what that looks like.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so I am a mom of four kids plus a bonus daughter through remarriage.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_03: So I was married for about 16 years.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_03: And then at that point, what was best for me was to unfortunately step away from that marriage.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_03: And so at the time, I had a two-year-old, a three-year-old, a five-year-old, and a six-year-old, almost seven.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_03: So I had four kids within the span of five years.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_03: And so they were really little itty bitty at that point.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_03: And yeah, and then I eventually got remarried to an incredible man and he has a daughter.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_03: So I've got five kids total.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_03: And I have always loved being a parent.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_03: I I was never one of those people who are like, oh, I just want to be a mom.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_03: That wasn't my thing growing up.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_03: But when I started having my own kids, especially after having three losses before we had our firstborn son, I just was really able to value and treasure having children.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: And so it's been through my own journey of just realizing the power of words as a child through my parents, through friends, through upbringing, that I have really carried the power of that into what I have done as a parent.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: And then when I went through a divorce, I was like, how can I be really intentional with how I navigate this with my young children?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_03: And then just realizing life is always going to have hard stuff for our kids.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: So what can we do?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_03: What can we control as much as we really actually can control?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_03: But what can I do as a mom to really help them gain a strong confidence and identity and help them navigate whatever life comes at them?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_03: And so that is why I do what I do today, which is I've written a book, The Parents' Secret Superpower.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: And that just helps other parents utilize their words in such a powerful way that really can change your kids' life.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's beautiful.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate that introduction.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so you come from an executive coaching background, so you understand systems.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Piggy piggybacking on that first question I asked.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if a parent's used to screaming and reacting and almost like uh embarrassing our kids, you know, that first example I gave you about why is your room too dirty, what is the exact mental circuit breaker they need to pull before they open their mouths?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's really important that a lot of our reactions that we can have as parents come from actually within ourselves.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_03: And what I mean by that is something that needs to be healed in ourselves.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: So, for example, we can start yelling and shaming our child who is three years old, learning how to not wet the bed at night because we had a bad experience growing up wetting the bed at night, and it was very shameful for us.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_03: And we didn't want that for our children.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_03: So we're trying to unfortunately shame them to stop wetting the bed, which, you know, in this case is something that they actually can't control till their body develops.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_03: But and so the same thing is like how we show up as parents is often it's something deeper going on.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: I remember I was at a pool with my kids, and one of my kids had invited a school-aged child over, or one of his friends from school, and we all started eating watermelon.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: We were sharing some with him, and he was like making a mess.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_03: Like he was enjoying this watermelon, like juices everywhere.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_03: And his mom, instead of being like, here, here's a wet wipe when you're done.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_03: She was literally like, oh my gosh, look at the mess you are making.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_03: Look at the watermelon on your cheeks.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_03: It's dribbling down your chest.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_03: You are such a heathen.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_03: She literally called her son a heathen because he was enjoying this watermelon.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_03: And I can't help but wonder, obviously, like to me, it seemed like that is the way that she's used to speaking for her children.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_03: But what I would love to ask her in that moment is, what is going on for you?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_03: And it could be like, I'm really embarrassed about my son because I feel he's a direct reflection of me.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_03: And so I'm just embarrassed about him.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_03: So the only way in my unhealthy state and triggered state is just to shame him for it.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_03: That's how she shows up.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_03: So I think it's really important for us parents to pause and realize, okay, what is this bringing up inside of me?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_03: And if you can work on that, then that helps your actions will follow that.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for sure.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And at the end of the day, our our kids are messy and they're gonna eat watermelon, how they eat watermelon.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess I can see her point though in that moment.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was a social like embarrassment or a reflection of her parenting is that her kid is gonna act that way, perhaps in in public.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I totally get how it's like internally wired and how we react and the things that we do, because I know that sometimes that's exactly what I'm doing is kind of that having that outward reaction because of how I feel innerly.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about the execution, because this is where the gentle parenting crowd sometimes gets it wrong.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: So eliminating shame does not mean eliminating discipline, right?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: So you advocate heavily for natural consequences.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: So define the line for us.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: What is the tactical difference between letting a child feel the weight of a natural consequence versus a parent actively deploying shame?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_03: So let's break this down to a young child.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_03: A young child, they are pouring cereal by themselves and they spill a cereal box everywhere.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_03: That would never happen in my household, never.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_03: My children are perfectly clean and never spill things.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so you come in on the situation.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: A shame-filled example would be like, oh my gosh, you look at the mess you made.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_03: You are so messy.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_03: I can't believe this.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my gosh, no, I'm gonna have to clean this up.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_03: What were you thinking?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: Blah, blah, blah.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, I'm just trying to pour cereal.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, that I would not advocate for.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_03: How can in that moment I get my child to take responsibility without shame and ownership without fear?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_03: I think that people can assume, I think, that maybe the gentle parenting approach is like, oh, we just don't hold our kids up to anything and it's just, oh, you're okay.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_03: And that's not my approach.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I feel like I am gentle with my kids, but we get to lead them to that ownership.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_03: We get them to lead them to that responsibility and those natural consequences, but it doesn't have to be shame-filled and yelling, which may be what we're used to as adults.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: So, what that situation would look like was be like, oh my, okay, we've made quite the mess, haven't we?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, here's the dustpan, here's the broom, let's start sweeping it up.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_03: Now, what do you think we could do differently next time?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_03: So the cereal doesn't get on the floor.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_03: That's right, that's a good idea.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe you can ask mom for help.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe you can scooch it back more.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_03: Great ideas.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, let's try that next time.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_03: So, what have we got that kid doing?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: We've got them problem solving on how they can do better next time.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_03: And we also have them cleaning up their mess, which honestly is not fun.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_03: But that's a natural consequence of just, hey, I made a mess.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_03: So, like another great example for older kids, this actually happened.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_03: Two of my children, they asked if they could stay up a little bit later.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, You betcha, no problem.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna let you stay up later while I'm getting the littles in bed.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: And so I was like, at 9:15, I need you coming up the stairs and getting ready for bed.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, actually, mom, can we have a few more minutes?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, what time would work for you?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_03: They're like, Can we do 9.30, please?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: We want to cook something, whatever.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, okay, that's fine.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_03: 9.30.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_03: What time?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_03: 9.30, great.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_03: 9.30 comes around.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_03: I hear them downstairs.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_03: 9 31 comes around.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_03: 9 32.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: And then they're finally heading up the steps.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, hey.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, what time did you guys say that you'd be up here?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_03: They're like 9 30.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, what time is it now?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, it's 9.32.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_03: And for us as parents, we may think it's two minutes.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_03: But this is what I'm doing to my kids.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_03: I want to raise them to honor their word.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_03: That when they speak, it can be trusted.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: And the same thing with me, right?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_03: I'm modeling that for them as well.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: And so what happened in this scenario was we talked about trust, right?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, hey, these little things right here, if I can't trust you to be two minutes, like two minutes, you couldn't have made two minutes.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't say it that way, but like two minutes, if you could not have come up the stairs on time and I can't trust you in that, what makes you think when you start driving that I'm gonna trust you that you're going to not text and whatever on your phone?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, they happen in these small moments.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: And so we had a conversation and I was like, okay, like what prevented you from getting here?
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, I needed to cook something and like I need and I needed whatever.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, so you didn't know, like when you started it 10 minutes ago that you needed 20 minutes to cook it.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, and so like in that moment, I'm encouraging them to take ownership and responsibility.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_03: And then the natural consequence that they had from that is I was like, I'm really bum that you guys, you know, weren't up here at 9 30.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_03: So tomorrow night, you guys don't get to stay up later and you're gonna go to bed, your normal bedtime.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: And so they learn, hey, if I can't honor my word, if I can't come up, when I say I'm gonna come upstairs, I'm gonna lose out on trust and being able to do that again.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_03: So those are ways that I'll navigate those situations with my children where I don't think shaming and blaming and hitting is effective at all because it doesn't help them to think on their own.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, I can see how that's way more effective than the old school methods that maybe we grew up on.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I fall back into the habit of doing because that the bedroom example is something I'm like constantly, girl, like we just cleaned your room, what's going on?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then, but I look at my own room, and I gotta be honest, I'm not the most tidy person.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so, because it's it's not that I don't want to be, but it's like I have a million other things I want to do.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's that my priority, my focus.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like when I look at it from that lens, I'm like that's probably how my child feels too.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that she wants to be messy, but it's like she wants to play, she wants to interact with her brother, and there's so many other things that she wants to do that it's just like the last thing that kind of is on her mind.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe, yeah, I mean, thinking about like putting yourself into their shoes, I think sometimes like you mentioned and maybe I'm misinterpreting this, but I feel like that is just having a greater understanding of the situation before react, taking that time to think, reflect, and then like you said, it like how you talked them into kind of like the behavior that you want to see, rather than us just shaming and yelling and screaming and having this our own little tantrum as adults.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why I revert back to that so much, but it's just a great reminder that I need to, you know, change my behavior.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's kind of why I started this, because I'm like, I need to learn from people that have been there and done this and help me be a better dad, because sometimes I do struggle with this.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: So you just gave us an example.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, totally.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the thing.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's like even the experts, I've talked to many experts already, and it's like even the experts need experts, and even the best players need coaches.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like we all need support.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_03: We know what to do sometimes, but it doesn't mean that we do it perfectly all the time.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it sounds great on the podcast, but when you know what hits the fan and the house and everything's going crazy, and like it's easy to get overstimulated or lose your window of window of tolerance and right and kind of act out of character and regret that.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I constantly am regretting, like, oh man, I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have raised my voice, or I shouldn't have said it that way.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or and so, anyways, this is gonna help me to not have those regrets.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so the can I give me one more example right there?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, go ahead, go ahead.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_03: So you're talking about like having regrets of the way that you show up with your kids, and that is every parent.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_03: I would hope that some parents would have regret about the ways that they're not perfect with their kids.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_03: Well, remember, we're talking, like we have mentioned, that kids will mirror our behavior, right?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_03: Whether that be like a messy room.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_03: If their room is messy, and so they just adapt that behavior too, right?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_03: Something there is beauty in our mess ups because we then get to model for our children how to take ownership for our mistakes, how to show them it's okay to make mistakes, and also how to apologize and ask for forgiveness.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_03: As sucky as that is, to have that, oh my gosh, this sucks.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I can't believe I messed up.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_03: It really is such a beautiful opportunity.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_03: So I have done this many times with my children, where like I will get frustrated and I'll yell at them and I'm like, I should not have said that.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_03: So then when everyone's calmed down, like I'll come back to them and be like, hey, I was really frustrated that you guys weren't listening to me, but that does not make it okay for me to raise my voice at you.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_03: So it's like on acknowledging, like, it's okay for mom to be frustrated, but what I do with that is do I hurt people?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_03: Do I, how am I impacting relationships with my words?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_03: That is not okay.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm not blaming them.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm not saying because you guys weren't listening, I got frustrated and upset and I yelled at you, and I'm sorry.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_03: That's not, that's not ownership, right?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_03: So it's like, I was frustrated and I yelled, and that's not how I want to be.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry that my words hurt you, and I'm sorry if I scared you with my yelling.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_03: I'm really trying hard not to do that anymore.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm really trying to work on patience, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_03: Will you forgive me?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_03: And those moments, man, it is so beautiful, like how our kids can show up in those moments when we model that for them.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_03: And then when they mess up too, they can be like, oh yeah, mom and dad aren't perfect.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_03: I've seen them own their mistakes.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_03: I've seen them try again.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_03: And so it just opens a beautiful door for that.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that modeling is perfect and it gives them like a great example to follow when, like you said, when they inevitably do make mistakes because we're humans and that's what happens.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: And and so, yeah, that's a great cycle that we're developing is out with the old of approach and in with the new approach of just ex like sitting down, getting on their level, explaining what it went on and why you're sorry and why you're gonna change in the future kind of thing.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that's something that I'm definitely I've been more implementing as I've been talking to more experts and you know, obviously what you're saying, Jody.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: So that's awesome.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: What's the worst thing a parent can say?
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like one word, one sentence phrase to a child during an argument.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_03: I would say you're a failure.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_03: Something that speaks to their identity, not you're messy, not like you tend to your room is messy, but like you're messy.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: Like things that speak to their identity and who they are, it can is just like the worst things ever.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Can that follow them like all the way through adulthood?
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, a hundred percent.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_03: That is because we're speaking to their belief and who they are, and those turn into identity, which impacts their actions.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: So if they feel like they're a failure, when they're in a school classroom or trying out for a new job, do you think that they're gonna feel like they conquer the world when they have this message that's been on repeat in their head from their parents that I'm a failure?
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, honestly, I can relate to that because I still lack confidence and I'm like, I'm not sure where that's coming from, but it's somewhere.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, it's I like I don't want to do that to my kids because that was like the worst thing ever was like, how do I get this out of my head?
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is the worst thing ever.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: So this is a great reminder for all parents out there that like what we say now can still follow them.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's no reprieve, really.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: If we hardwire it right now and their systems, their heads, it could be there as an adult, you know what I mean?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that's just like a such a stark realization of the power we have and we have to use it for good.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_03: With great power comes a great response.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I know.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was like venturing into a Marvel movie there.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so timeouts effective or is it an outdated punishment mechanism?
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_03: Personally, I used to do timeouts, like for my first kid, because that's all I knew.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_03: And then I realized that is not as effective because again, it's like what you said earlier.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_03: It's like understanding what's going on for the kid.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_03: Like, am I, you know, one time my kid turned a juice box upside down and he like squirted it all over the counter?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_03: And I could be like, oh my gosh, he's this terrible kid because he's in the terrible twos.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm believing this lie first off that he's a terrible twos, which I actually don't believe in the terrible twos.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_03: But anyway, so I'm believing all of this bad stuff and it's like, get time out.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_03: But it's like he had never had a juice box before, or rarely had any.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_03: And what if he was simply in the frame of mind where he's like, what happens if I turn this upside down?
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_03: Because God created him to be a curious kid, or he's a boy, and boys are just naturally curious, right?
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_03: And so a timeout in that situation would not have served any purpose.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_03: It just what that communicates to me the more and more as I've gotten into parenting and research and stuff, it communicates to me if you mess up, you are not okay, and as a punishment, you are going to be removed from my presence.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_03: As opposed to maybe they're just really dysregulated.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe they need a timeout in a sense.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_03: They just need to be alone, they need to sit in their room.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_03: But it's like, hey, do you need a few minutes to yourself to calm down?
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_03: Why don't you go in your room?
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_03: You can color, you can listen to music, and you can come out whenever you're ready to talk.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_03: Like huge difference.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: So using it more for just for their own benefit of you just need to get out of this chaotic environment, go in a more peaceful, quiet, dark room or whatever, versus the punishment aspect that comes with it.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because to fall into this trap too.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: I have a son that's about to, and you said you don't believe in the terrible twos, but he snacks the heck out of us all the time.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: And he's starting to like climb tables and jump on couches and is being that very adventurous child.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: And he does these science experiments you just mentioned of dumping out juice and seeing what happens, and it's not a great result.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, no, I totally get it.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like my first reaction is that we call it baby gel.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's so stupid, but I'm like, you're going to baby gel.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: He's got his little play pen still.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, he's going in there.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: And it's that the most effective approach, probably not.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: So this gives me lots to think about and lots to refresh as I as I go forward with my parenting.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: And I think you're in the best position because you're coming from a place of curiosity, like, hey, what's working, what's not working, what are others saying, and what can I learn from that?
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, you what's going on in the twos is they are learning boundaries.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_03: They are learning what's okay and what's not okay.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_03: So say, I don't think two, you're really in the high chair anymore.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: Say they're at the table and they're like, I'm gonna throw food because I'm just curious what's gonna happen.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_03: And so then mom and dad are like, oh my gosh, stop throwing food and like blah, blah, blah.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_03: And it's okay.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_03: What can a natural consequence be?
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, buddy, we don't throw food.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_03: Food stays on the table.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_03: So if you're gonna throw food again, you're gonna get down from the table.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_03: And they're not gonna like it.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_03: But that is like that natural consequence is you lose eating right now.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_03: Are you ready to come back to the table now?
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_03: Food stays on, and then you're saying no to something, right?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_03: Don't throw food.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_03: But also watch your language and making sure you're giving them something to do.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_03: So it's like food stays on the table.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_03: We eat our food.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_03: This is what we do with our food.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_03: Instead of just stop throwing food, stop throwing food.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_03: It's oh, what do else do I do?
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_03: So just to help them with that process and then follow through.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_03: Like we have to follow through and stay calm.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_03: Kids are brilliant and they're smart.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_03: And when they can get us, like they keep repeating that behavior, especially continually gives them that negative attention.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, totally.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: And we fall into that negative language all the time.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like I know I do personally, where it's stop running instead of saying that, you should say, please walk.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or I mean, like, like using that.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I was a teacher, so it's like that's I'm used to that, but it's like you fall into those stop talking or stop whatever behavior that you don't want to see.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: But it's that's just not the best way to phrase it and go about it.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I love how you model just exactly what you want to see with them rather than pointing out the mess or the chaos that they're causing because it's that's I don't know why, but it's just I want to point it out, but it's I know it's not great.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_03: And the thing is, is it's harder because it's very simple, but it's hard because it takes more intention on our part.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_03: We have to slow down.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_03: We can't just respond and react.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_03: And the easy way is like, how can I get my child to obey?
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_03: The fastest way I can do that is to yell at them, scare them with my voice, scare them into obedience.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_03: But what is that doing for our connection with our child?
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_03: And is that actually teaching them how to take ownership for their actions and behavior?
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_03: It's not, it's like the quick fix.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_03: So if we can slow down and really take these moments and opportunities to partner with our kids and help them take ownership, even for little kids.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_03: Like I, this is a simple example, but to raise one of the things that I do with my kids is I help them like when they were two, like two and a half, maybe, they would spill something.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_03: Like I literally got out the like the broom in the dustpan with them and I helped them do it.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_03: And then I let them do it and it took forever.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_03: And did they do a perfect job?
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_03: No, oh my gosh.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_03: But now my kids are seven, eight, ten, and twelve.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_03: Now, and even for years, whenever they'd make a mess, they just go to the pantry and grab the stuff and start sweeping because I had empowered them to do that.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_03: And so if we can start, but it takes it's a lot of patience to sit next to a kid who is not doing it perfectly well and you see all of the crumbs everywhere, right?
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_03: Or it's like here, I'll hold the dustpan.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_03: Now you just work on the sweeping part, right?
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_03: It takes a lot of patience and intention, but man, the connection that you will maintain with your child and the ownership that they will start to take, and you're showing them how to take and brainstorming, okay, how can I do this differently next time?
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_03: And it's so worth it.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_03: It is so worth it.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you're playing the long game there, and I love that because it's like my daughter starting to do this thing where she's opening the fridge, grabbing the we have this container in the fridge, so it's grabbing the water container and then pouring her own drinks.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's cute and it's awesome.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I love the she's being very she's taking the initiative, but it's also she spills like half the time.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's one of those things where it's and she's slow and it's oh my god, close the fridge, and like one of those things.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of want to just do it for her, but it's now that I see that long-term vision of when she's six or seven, she's able to pour not only herself a cup, but her brother a cup.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's that's a huge that's a huge win for parents, exactly.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_03: And it doesn't mean you can't come in with her and be like, hey, I see that we're spilling a little bit of water here.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_03: How fun is it to have to wipe up that water every time?
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_03: Not fun.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, do you want to sit down and we can practice together pouring water?
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_03: And I'll share with you some tips and tricks on how I do it.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_03: Do you want to try that together?
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_03: So then, like, you can still, you're not just like leaving them out to dry to figure life on their own and figure out how to sweep and figure out how to pour water or make their beds or clean their rooms or whatever.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you're there.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_03: You get to be that cheerleader and champion with them and for them.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_03: And of course, like, who doesn't want extra time with dad?
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_03: Is we get to work on pouring water better.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: And the way that you phrase that, it just sounds fun.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, let's go do this together.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: And like you said, our kids love the one-on-one time with us, and yes, they don't get probably as much as they would ever want, and we probably feel the same way.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it's a good, it's a good win-win there.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: And what is the one immediate change a parent needs to make tonight to start executing this protocol?
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_03: I would say the biggest thing that they can do is to pause.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_03: So whenever they're in a situation and they feel like those words like bubbling up out of them of what were you thinking?
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_03: or I can't believe you did this or whatever.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_03: What's coming out of your mouth is not gonna be beneficial.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_03: Just to pause and just ask yourself, okay, what's coming up for me?
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_03: Why am I feeling so hot about this topic right now or about what just happened?
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_03: And think of the long term, like the end goal.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_03: What is the best way to show up with my kid right now that's actually gonna help them learn from this?
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_03: Because mistakes are okay, that's how we learn, and not just feel shamed into obedience, because that's not long lasting.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's great.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so, Jody, thank you for bringing the blueprint to us.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: So, where can the audience, the viewers, get the book and then start upgrading their verbal system?
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so the best way to find me is online at Instagram.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_03: So it's just simply Jody Hill Parenting.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_03: And then for your listeners, if they want the first chapter of my book that gives them the first superpower strategy right now, tonight, today, whenever you're listening to this.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_03: And also, I created a document that has my top confidence boosters and busters.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_03: Because here's the reality: sometimes we don't even know the words that we're saying are actually hurting our children or the things that we're doing are hurting.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_03: It's I'm just a really helpful mom.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just trying to help them and do everything for them.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's like that's actually teaching them that you don't think that they can do it themselves.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_03: So I have a top confidence boosters and busters.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_03: So in this document and PDF guide that I've created for parents, is that you can see, okay, right now I can start doing these things, and right now I can be aware of the things that maybe aren't the most healthiest for my child.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_03: So the link to that is just podcast.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_03: It's jodihill.com.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_03: And if they go there, they will get those downloads, and I'm sure you'll have those in the show notes as well.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_03: So those are the two best places.