Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 271. Life After Divorce: Inside the Single Mom Identity Crisis

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271. Life After Divorce: Inside the Single Mom Identity Crisis · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: No one warned me.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: No one warned me.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: That's the quiet thought so many moms carry but never dare to say.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: You do everything for your children.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: You love them fiercely.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: And yet underneath you feel this bone-deep loneliness, exhaustion, and resentment.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: And divorce only sharpens that.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And then comes the shame.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: You're supposed to be grateful for your children, you tell yourself.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Other moms have it worse.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: But pushing down these feelings doesn't make it go away.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: And today we are naming the truth.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Why the very thing you fear will make you a bad mom is actually the thing that saying out loud will set you free.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, love.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave, and build back your confidence.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, Don Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer, and divorcee.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Darlings, in today's episode, we are covering the intersection of divorce, identity, and motherhood, and how freaking hard it is to be a mom in a post-divorce life.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: So the three big topics we are going to cover is the identity loss.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: Why you still feel like a stranger in your own skin, and it's because it's not just about your ex, it's grieving a version of motherhood you thought you'd have.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: And there's grieving this sort of version where there's space to be more than just a mom right now.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: We're also going to talk about the nervous system twist, right?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: The sneaky way your body confuses sometimes love with danger during transition weekends and how that survival wiring shapes the way you approach motherhood.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so we're going to be checking out and talking about the various ways you can take kind of rethink if your kids are unsafe or if they aren't unsafe or if your nervous system is reaching for control or if it actually needs to problem solve and sort of how all of that gets braided and blended together and you lose track of a clear path sometimes and the ability to calm your nervous system.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: And then we're also going to talk about the place towards the end of the episode where you leak energy the most, which often boils down to second-guessing so many of your decisions, not being able to discern anxiety from intuition, and it drains more energy than actual motherhood.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: And then your resentment grows and you're mothering from duty instead of desire.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so we're gonna share at the end of the episode the telltale signs you're in this energy leak loop and how to break it.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Good morning, ladies.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Hey there.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, TIFTIF, what's what's what's up with your voice today?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I have a really sexy ragweed allergy.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's perfect for podcasting.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, let's unpack mom identity loss after divorce, right?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like all the ways in which we, you know, lost ourselves in the marriage.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's a post-divorce world, we're trying to rebuild our lives, and then it's like all there is is like moming.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: And this grief about like, I had a different conception of what motherhood was gonna be in my family, right?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's so it's the kind of mother I want to be, maybe is not even available currently.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was a stay-at-home mom in my marriage, and so that fit for me, and I loved being able to be home with her and being able to be there to be the domestic goddess that I was, right?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like that was kind of my ideal of what I wanted.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then post-divorce, everything got put on me, and I went from being a stay-at-home mom to being a full-time working mom and being pretty much the only parent because he was always deployed or traveling or whatever.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: So every single thing got thrown on me very quickly, right out the gate, and I had to just figure it out.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: This is very interesting.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: We I don't think we've ever unpacked this because I've always been a working mom.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I am very curious to consider how it's a harder transition for a stay-at-home mom in a post-divorce situation, right?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: When she has to go to work and figure out how to single mom.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's a freaking lot.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: So that was my experience as well.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: I was a single mom.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_02: I had three um at the time, I I had a um six-year-old and two four-year-olds at home.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: My six-year-old was special needs, like my twins had um health difficulties and going two and a half hours away.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_02: Every you know what I mean?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_02: Like all of that, that was the only thing, right, for specialists, and that was the only thing I really did was mom and wife, and we had the white pick of events appearance.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_02: I you know what I mean.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_02: And so to lose all of that, and now I'm having to like, okay, how am I gonna support and be a stay-at-home mom?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I have my cosmo cosmetology license and I would work here and there.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: So it wasn't I had a place to go in terms of a profession, but going through that identity of moving from the white picket and fence, everything's perfect on social media, having three small children to now, okay, now I have to find babysitters and now I have to have transportation, and now I have to get Tylenol at 2 or 2 a.m.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that's probably one of the most moments in that journey in that season that re that resonated so much to me is because I always had someone with me and now I don't, and now my kid is sick and I'm ran out of Tylenol and I have no one and I'm trying to juggle all of that.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_02: But also try to figure out how I got here at 40 years old.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: Now I'm be single at 40 with three small children, trying to figure out who I am and how did I get here, but also be the mom that they need.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm trying to work on myself and they keep on asking me questions I can't answer, I don't understand, and falling on the floor crying with them as I'm navigating.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_02: And we'll talk more about that later in the episode about nervous system states and tools, but like in that moment of trying to navigate this world that I don't know and I don't know how to navigate as a 40-year-old single mom of three small children and now having to go to work and wash the dishes and cook the meals and do the laundry and all of those things that I just zero stars, do not recommend.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: People always ask me, they're like, What what was harder?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Was it staying at home or was it being a working mom?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like which one was harder?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I say they both are fucking hard.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: They're both fucking hard.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you're if you're a stay-at-home mom or you were like you have all my love because it is hard.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Working moms, it's the same thing.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's just motherhood is hard no matter how we approach it.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're doing it by yourself, it it magnifies everything.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: And and yeah, like I said, I joked before, I wanted to be the mom that baked the pies, you know, and dressed like the pinup girl, and you know what I mean?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like all that cute stuff.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and then I I went into this zone where like I was still trying to do all of that for her and be present with her.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's the thing that I miss the most is how do I be a present mother with her and do all the things I want to do without getting lost in my own thoughts.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because again, with my identity loss, I had just moved to the beach.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, anytime she wasn't with me, I was out, I was partying, I got my nose pairs, I went and got a few new tattoos.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was really reaching, ladies.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: I know what will solve this pain.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna shove a needle through my nose.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: I I have learned now, a decade later, that truly what matters most to my kid is my presence, right?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, truly, truly, truly, that's what she wants more than anything is my undivided attention and ability to like interface with her in a way that feels attuned and interested and proud and whatever, right?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: And to just like be with her in a meaningful way.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: But I will tell you that many, many years ago, when I was doing the like, let me be the do everything mom, like um, let me make sure you have everything I didn't have, my attention, the vacations, the belongings, the birthday parties, like all the things, right?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: And it was sort of about the production of it all.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: She still didn't appreciate all of that in the way that I needed her to.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: And how much time, money, and energy did I spend trying to chase giving her everything when the thing that she really, really wanted and needed more than anything was just present.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that that's the thing that we as mothers need also is presence with and for ourselves.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: And it's the thing we run away from at this season, right?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: Is the ability to be present because when we're present with ourselves, then the pain comes crashing in, then the grief comes crashing in, and we just want to freaking run away from all of that pain.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's like, I think we sell ourselves a lie that if I stay busy giving my kids all these things and trying to bridge the gap and blah blah blah blah blah, I can both escape my pain and escape my fear that they're gonna be missing something, but really there's like there's no going around it.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I remember I was at a get together when Ari was younger, and some mom came up to me and she was a married mom, and she said to me, I always feel like single moms overcompensate for their kids.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember being so pissed off at that comment, but it was so true.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was so true, at least for me, because I felt like I had to be everything.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: I had to be mom and dad, I had to be nurture and disciplinarian, which that's a fucked up line to walk anyway, I think, for anybody.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, yeah, it was it was so difficult for me to try to figure out how to do all the things and be everything for her when, like you said, all she wanted was me to go sit on the beach with her and watch her do cartwheels, you know.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't know how poor we were in the beginning.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like she had no idea how much we were struggling financially.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like if mom came home with a smile on her face at the end of the day and we could spend time playing Barbies or playing a board game or cuddled up watching a movie, she was in heaven.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's it.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know about you, but I was terrible at playing with my kid.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I was not able to be present enough to like sit and play with my kid.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: I could sometimes muster coloring with her, and so I would say, like, let's color together.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_02: But like, other than that, like No, I feel that and the reason I laugh is because my girls and I were talking about this the other day is because I I did I was not a good player, I was a good facilitating an activity, mom, like the the coloring, the play-doh, stuff like that.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_02: But as as playing, and so we were driving down the road just the other day talking about it, and so we would play Barbies, and I'd always be the mom Barbie, but then mom mom Barbie had to take a nap.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_02: So mom would go take a nap, and like they were like, You were always so tired as a Barbie.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, Yes, exactly, exactly, exactly.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: All right, loves.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about you know, the nervous system and how it really struggles as single mom after divorce because the brain, the mind, the mind and the nervous system, right, they're not good at discerning true threat versus perceived threat.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: So, so it just bases its reactions and its responses based off what our beliefs are and what our thoughts dictate, right?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so if we don't get a hold of our thoughts and we don't intentionally coach our minds and our nervous systems, right?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: It just keeps going the way that it's been going, right?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: The past ends up predicting the future.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about like in these early days post-divorce and you're single momming, and it feels like letting your kids go is dangerous and then they're not safe, and that you have to control it.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe they aren't safe, maybe they are, right?
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: But it's like where your nervous system stays chronically and constantly activated because you feel so out of control.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: What would you say to the woman who's really struggling to discern how to take care of her own nervous system in those early days of transition?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: I always challenge my clients and say it's safety and control.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: What is it that you're seeking right now?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Are you trying to gain control because you don't like how he has his home set up?
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: You don't like how he parents, how he spends his time, that he has friends over.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like what is it?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: Or is your child seriously in danger?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are two different things.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I dealt with both in my divorce.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: There were times when I was seeking so much control because I didn't like the way that things were going.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: However, there were times when my child was truly in danger, you know, in her younger years growing up with her dad, who is, you know, an extreme adrenaline junkie and just kind of, you know, took her along for the ride.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: So there were like there were, yeah.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, like, yes, there were times when I felt like it was an issue.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: But then also what I would challenge you to say is that are your kids also feeling that and and driving it too?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because there were times when my daughter would try to dramatize certain situations knowing that I would get involved or jump in when really she wasn't in danger at all.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: It was perfectly fine, you know?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: And though, I think that a lot of it's both for many, many women, right?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like there is the stories we tell ourselves, right, and the perceived threat, and that is real, right?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: And then also, like I think about some, right, like like the type A mom, which I would certainly say that I'm like a recovering type A that still has heavy type A tendencies, where it's like, I would be the mom that's like, I don't like the food choices you're making for our child.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: She can't have three pieces of cheese, she can only have one.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like that would that would be me, right?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and also, right, um, my ex would be the person also who would have been driving under the influence, you know.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: So there would be like this combination of things, right?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: But at the end of the day, when we don't have the ability to control, how are we getting back and grounding our nervous systems so that we can have moments of safety?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: And then what are we relying on to create safety, right?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: Are we um recognizing how our nervous systems being grounded is part of creating safety for our children, that when we're in constant fight, flight, or freeze, that we are not a grounded sense of safe feeling for our kids, right?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: You can't fake nervous system regulation or dysregulation, it's vibrational and their energy fields will pick up on it, right?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: I think that if I could really help moms all over the world hear that your nervous system grounded and elastic, right?
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: Nervous systems are meant to be able to respond in a healthy way to stress and have proper reactivity in a time of stress, and then also are meant to like return to a healthy, flexible state where you can rest and digest, right?
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: Where you can feel and perceive a sense of safety as well.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I think post-divorce single momming does not lend itself to feeling a sense of safety, but like that is what actually creates the healthiest attachment style and the healthiest nervous system for our kiddos is when our nervous systems are grounded and well and flexible.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I think to do that, we have to have also a faith in something greater than us, right?
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: There is this mystery of faith that I think also says, like, okay, the solution has to be bigger than the problem, and I have to keep my eyes on working a solution because if I keep looking at this problem, my nervous system is never going to feel safe.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you want your kids to be a safe space to come home for the weekend and share how their weekend went without feeling like you're constantly analyzing everything they say and poking and prodding because that's not fair either.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: And kids will start filtering.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and they'll they'll feel a need to protect that parent.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so you've got to be able to be that safe space for them without reacting.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can get on the phone with him and react, but not with your kids.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, but how useful is he is that even for most people?
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's not.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's it's not it's all part of letting go, right?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: I think that letting go is such a journey and it happens in layers, and it's such a challenge.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, we talk a lot about grief around here, but sort of the idea that at least at first, right, the grief doesn't go away.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like you build a life around the grief that gets bigger than the grief, right?
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: And and that's and if you keep staying focused on the problem and the grief, like yes, you have to feel it, you have to release it, you have to accept it, you have to forgive it, you have to do all of these things while single moming.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um I mean, and and all of that, right?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: The secrets we keep, the and in this post-divorce phase, like all the things about what he did or didn't do, and all of the things about what we did and didn't do, right?
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: All of that is a constant chronic nervous system aggravator when all of that is living in our body.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, good point, right?
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_01: How do we how do we help our nervous systems really downshift so that we can truly be safe places, attuned places for ourselves and for our kiddos?
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and I think what I would want women to realize too is that look, you're divorced for a reason.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Clearly there were things that you were not on the same page about.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: So why would parenting be any different?
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: And just because your ex is giving your Yeah, right?
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: But like, even though your ex is giving your child a different experience, it doesn't mean that it's a bad experience.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I have so many friends too that they get jealous as hell that like the ex can take the kids here and there and do this and do that and what like Disney Can you not just be happy with your kid?
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like be happy that you're gonna be able to do it.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: No, we're jealous.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: We're jealous, we're jealous, we're jealous, we're jealous.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: I hate that.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: I just hate for that because I'm like, oh my god, you know?
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like my ex has been able to take my daughter to do some really amazing things that some of them I wouldn't be able to afford, some of them, you know, at certain times or whatever.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I was always genuinely happy for her.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like when she came back, I was always so excited to hear about it because I just was so happy that she got the experience, even though I wasn't there.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, some of us really struggle more with jealousy than you do, then Tifferdoodle.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: I guess so.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and I'm not saying that I wasn't resentful as fuck about all that.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was really resentful about a lot of that.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but as far as like him being able to take her places and do things with her, you know, I was good with it.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: Him having wife number two, wife number three, spending holidays together.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't care.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, the more the merrier, come on in.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's fine.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's fine.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: And that's genuinely true, right?
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: The more the merrier really generally tends to be the case, right?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like love and life is not a pie.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: There are infinite solutions, there's infinite love, but a lot of times we're not tapped into that.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, but yeah.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let's talk a bit about one of the places we tend to see moms leak energy the most.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: And it's sort of this idea of second guessing everything and really parenting from a place of anxiety rather than intuition, and just really overthinking, over-analyzing, second guessing, worrying about what he's gonna say, what the court is gonna say, what the other people are gonna say, like just really sort of not being able to get a handle on just living from a place of groundedness, right?
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about some of the telltale signs.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_01: You're stuck in that energy leak loop because I think most people don't realize, I I cannot scream this from the rooftops loud enough, that motherhood actually isn't as exhausting as it has the reputation for being.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: We as a modern female community are exhausted, our vital force is depleted in general, period.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_01: And it's because we're demineralized, it's because we're underrested, it's because our priorities are in the wrong place, it's because of how we've been living for a very, very long time.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so we're just exhausted everywhere, and that gets pinned on motherhood, right?
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: But motherhood itself isn't isn't that exhausting, but we end up wasting a lot of our precious, precious energy on anxiety loops and not being grounded in a sense of intuition.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: So let's help the ladies really hear, right, how they can identify when they're stuck in that energy leak loop and how to shift out of it, how to break that cycle.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_02: I I feel like I'm still in breaking that cycle.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I love that.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we were texting about that this week.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_02: So the things that I'm trying to do currently, right?
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_02: This is like a this is the journey I am on real time.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_02: I'm trying to break the cycle of giving away my energy when I don't have it to give, and then I and then I wind up crashing.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_02: And so, like let me break that down a little bit differently.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_02: Let me say that differently.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_02: I have been a people pleaser.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_02: My, you know, one of my managers is a people pleaser, and I have been a I pride myself that God put me on this earth to serve.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I I genuinely bring joy, it brings me joy to serve and to be the fun, exciting mom that plans all these minute-to-winnet parties for their children and extravagant end of the summer holiday days.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_02: Blowout.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_02: I love right, I love that.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_02: But what I have been working on personally is I can't say yes to everything because A, I'm I'm depleted and I need to own the fact that I have I have caused myself to be so depleted by saying yes and doing all the things and being available, and you know, and so now I have a 13-year-old who gets mad at me because I ask her to wash a dish.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_02: Because I've I've always just been the person that does it.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_02: And so I'm trying to retrain my family as well as myself.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_02: That's I shouldn't a common phrase I've been saying a lot lately is I'm the single point of failure.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like everything in this home, in this house, and their childhood is on me.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_02: And that is absolutely not the way it's supposed to be.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_02: And so we're supposed to be a team, we're supposed to be a family, we're supposed to be a unit, right?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_02: And so saying no more than I say yes has been a thing, but that's everything, excuse me.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_02: That's everything.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_02: That's like saying no to my friends, so I because I'm gonna be at the ball field here or at the skating rink here, or I have too much already happening.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_02: So saying no more than I say yes, and saying no to my children when okay, I've already done X, Y, and Z today, and now I'm overstimulated and tired, which just tells me my body tells me that I need to start saying no, and you guys are gonna have to figure it out because you're capable individuals, you know.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_02: Um so like sometimes letting go of dinner, which is we're gonna have cereal tonight.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_01: We're over dinner.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_02: Because that's that's where I'm at, and it's been a very busy day, and my brain is kaput, and I don't want to wash the dishes or I don't want to do this, like we're gonna have a self-care night, and we're gonna everyone's gonna have cereal and it's gonna be fine.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_02: You know, do you think you're nutritious 80% of the time?
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: Do you think that the capacity to let go of the second guessing and the saying yes more often than you say no?
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: Do you sense that at the root of that is the capacity for self-acceptance and identity and um self-love and choosing self versus being chosen and like yeah, yeah.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's like choosing when I self, yes, when I choose to love and accept myself, then I'm not so vulnerable to every other motherfucker's opinion because my identity is grounded in something true, right?
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like my higher powers vision for me and of me and my own like grounded sense of self.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so then I'm not trying to please everybody all the time to gain my approval or my sense of self or whatever.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like such a journey to turn that page.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's like a slow turn, I think.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: It comes.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_02: This is some right, right, right.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_02: So this is something I was gonna get into more on our Thursday episode because like letting them have emotions.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_02: Like it's okay if you're mad at me, you're allowed to be, but this is what's happening, you know, like this is what m this is what I need.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_02: And letting them have like that experience as well, because that's not only uh solidifies who they are as people, right?
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_02: Being able to handle emotions and but like it's important that they see me have self-care and self-awareness and so oh, we've started this new thing as um self-awareness now.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_02: So like when my girls have a self-awareness, we're like self-awareness now.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_02: And it's just like a little good.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_02: So we've started that because I want them to be functional adults who can handle emotions because I I didn't ever and self-care and self-awareness and all those things, I didn't have that um awareness and how how different you know I mean, so all the blah blah blah blah, all the things, but um right, but being able to tolerate other yeah, being able to tolerate other people being mad, right?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's like because if my identity or my worth is tied to you never being mad at me, then I'm never gonna hold you accountable for anything, and then I'm gonna have to keep spinning all the plates.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and that is the energy leak right there.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_01: The energy, yeah.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_01: So then the work becomes developing a sense of worth that goes well beyond what you can do and is more about who you are and your capacity to get grounded and not just stay spinning, right?
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_01: And to be in touch with your intuition.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_01: What is my what am I meant to think, feel, say, do next?
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like not just driven by obsessive thinking or big, big feelings, right?
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_01: What about my intuition?
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I can't find my intuition unless I can get grounded.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_01: And to get grounded, I have to be able to put my phone down, put all the distractions down.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: I have to probably get barefoot in my yard, and I have to probably be listening more than I'm speaking, or just being present more than I'm consuming, right?
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever I'm consuming, whether it's screen time or podcast or even this podcast, right?
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like sometimes we have to be able to sit and get quiet and listen for the bigger picture in order to um take the next right step in the direction of groundedness and self-worth.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_02: I really love that you just said that because I had I had one that was in my brain.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_02: I wanted to say that because energy leak, even though energy and energy energy suck, right?
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_02: Even though I'm making all these choices, I was noticing that I'm going through audiobooks or I'm going through podcasts or I'm going through music so fast because I was constantly filling every gap that I had, like washing dishes or you know, mopping the floor.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_02: I was constantly having stimulation.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_02: And so being able to right, so being able to kind of pause that.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_02: And now I actually have to set a boundary with myself of, okay, I'm only gonna do an hour of such and such or whatever because I need to I need to calm that nervous system and I need to, you know, the other morning my children, I have three of them and they're all really intense and loud because they're all the roughly the same age.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_02: And so I I stopped my morning mid-morning.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_02: It was a cluster of a morning, and just went outside and and put my bare feet in the grass.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_02: And I just accepted, you know, I'm gonna be late because this is more important than getting myself grounded because that's not a tool that I had back then.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't really know what grounding was.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that is so important.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_02: So if you don't ground listeners, if you do not ground yourself outside right now, I promise you, if you try it, it makes a difference.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_02: Quickly.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_02: Just give yourself a few minutes outside with your feet.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_01: I am the weird neighbor who's always in our front yard barefoot.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always barefoot as well.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always we have woods in the back and I'm always walking barefoot through the woods, and I'm always, you know, Frank's always yelling at me, saying, Oh my god, you're gonna and I'm like, no, no, no.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like this is what I need.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_01: This is what I need.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_01: Now, what's weird is my backyard, my backyard is way prettier than my front yard, but I'm always in the front yard.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_01: No, Joyce.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the grass is plushier.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_01: Who knows?
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I think, you know, at the end of the day, as mothers, we're so conditioned to put others first, especially our children.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we really have to flip-flop that because if you wake up and you are being controlled by your feelings, if you are wallowing in feelings of resentment and anger and impatience, and you're having a really hard time finding yourself, that's a clear indication that your nervous system is severely dysregulated and you need to do something to bring yourself back into alignment.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_02: Mm hmm.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_02: Preach, Tiffany, preach.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so I talk about this a lot lately.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I understand that my kid is getting more mature and she's older now, but like her capacity to be.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_01: On a team is so much more profound.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_01: Her capacity to like get herself up in the morning, make her own breakfast, and like keep her room clean and study for homework, like all that stuff.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: She didn't have the vital force.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_01: She didn't have the um vibrancy, right?
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_01: She was her whole system was sluggish.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_01: And that affected how much energy she had, how um much attention she had, how it like it affected every part of her.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_01: And the more vital she becomes, right, the healthier she gets, the more energy she has to contribute not only to her own responsibilities, but to being on the team.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_01: So I always say that every human behavior has an explanation.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_01: Every single human behavior, including your asshole ex-husband's behavior, has an explanation.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_01: And when we are relentless about finding the explanation and applying the solution, the solution comes.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_01: But you have to be relentless.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_01: That like I've always come back to whether it was like Al-Anon in early pre-divorce days, like separation and pre-divorce days, like, or you know, yogic principles or like spiritual principles via my faith, right?
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_01: There were always these principles that there are promises made, you know, spiritual promises made to us when we live in alignment.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I've always come back to that.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I've honestly many, many, many nights screamed and cried at God and said, like, you made promises.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_01: Where the fuck are the answers?
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I believe that those answers have been delivered in many, many, many, many, many, many formats.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think very often we cry and we wail, and we gnash our teeth and we demand answers, but then we can't recognize the answers when they come and we can't let them in.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so they require leaps of faith.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_01: There is a mystery to faith, and there is a mystery to this healing process that you have to take leaps of faith because you cannot, it's a transformation, it's a process of rising from somewhere low vibe to somewhere high vibe.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, you know, you could pray for a million dollars, but you're not a vibrational match for a million dollars or whatever it is.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like you have to become a vibrational match for the solution, and that means you have to leap and trust that the net is gonna appear.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, for our family, we put a lot of energy and effort into non-traditional ways of strengthening vital force.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: We eat pretty darn healthy, you know what I mean?
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like we really do watch like no food dyes, no, like we don't drink, you know, we buy pure um spring water, like we put a lot of energy into the chiropractor every week and particular supplements and homeopathy and all the things.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and eventually over time, all of that paid off to increase and strengthen vital force.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I promise you, we could not always afford those things.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_01: And we did them anyways, as best as we could, right?
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_01: But also like sunlight is healing and being sunlight without sunscreen is healing, and being barefoot in your yard is healing, and sweating is healing, and exercise is healing, and none of those things cost money.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_01: None of them.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like journaling is free, it doesn't cost money, and it's very, very healing.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, pair journaling with being in the front yard in the sun, you know what I mean?
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's gonna like you could start somewhere.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_01: We could all start somewhere, and it's consistency over time versus going ham.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_01: And but you have to stick with it and you have to be relentless about finding alignment and and trusting that the promises will come.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: But you gotta let it in.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I came out of an IFS session the other day where one of my clients had a huge breakthrough.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: And every time I come out of an IFS session, I told Don, I feel like I am covered in something that is not of this world.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: It is this stardust, beautiful.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I have been transcended to another dimension with these people.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of think stranger things, because I'm a big stranger, so maybe I'm in the upside down, okay?
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_01: I have I have a very dark concept of what Stranger Things is, though.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like you're painting a picture of a very light concept, but maybe I misunderstand Stranger Things.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_00: Through IFS, I feel like I'm going through very dark parts with people though.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm walking with them as they, you know, so that's kind of where I get darkness.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: Release your face.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm thinking, like, I want so many people to experience this.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: I want so many people to experience the breakthroughs that our clients get through IFS and all the work that we're doing.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so how do we draw them in?
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: We give away free shit.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, who doesn't love free shit?
• 36:06
  unknown: We all love free shit.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: So if you join our online community, The Cocoon, every Monday we drop a really cool little challenge for you to do to get involved, and we give away free shit.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_00: So why would you not want to do it?
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_00: Jump in on this.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_00: We're very excited.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: You can also DM me, you can DM producer Joy, say hey, we'd love to hear about it.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_01: Inside of Cocoon.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_00: Inside of Cocoon.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: We are so excited to meet you.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do we get in?
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_01: So we're running this new special right now, right?
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_01: Where you can get Post Divorce Roadmap for free, which is our immersive journaling program, 21 Days of Immersive Journaling.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so the link is at the all the way at the bottom of the show notes, so that if you follow the link, you get your first magic drop is you get Post Divorce Roadmap for free.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so then you're inside the cocoon community, where then you get Coach Tiffany's invites to do the weekly challenge.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_01: And then how does it work?
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like if I participate in the weekly challenge, I'm entered to win, or how's that go?
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: All you have to do is the weekly challenge, and you're automatically entered to win, and we pick a winner every Monday.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_01: We're also accepting suggestions for the kind of shit you'd like to win, right?
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we are, absolutely.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: Think like self-care items, homeopathy goodies, sessions with me.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_00: All kinds of good stuff.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so the link is all the way at the bottom of the show notes.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_01: So hop, claim your post-divorce roadmap, hop into Cocoon, and join us for the weekly magic drops.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_01: We love you so much.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_01: Peace.