Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #246 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#246 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, our children want to do the right things if
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: we can just see the goodness in them and acknowledge that.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: I'm so excited to be back doing the podcast again.
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  Speaker 2: We've had replays all holidays and we're back.
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: We've decided that we were supposed to come.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Back on on Monday, but we're here today. I hope
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  Speaker 2: that's okay with you, with me, No, no, no, With our
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  Speaker 2: people who are listening. I hope it's okay with our listeners.
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  Speaker 2: We've come back because we missed Is this going to
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: sound too cheesy? Because we've missed the podcast, Like, we've
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  Speaker 2: really missed being with you and being able to share
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  Speaker 2: what's going on and to help you to make your
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: families happier. So we decided we're back from our break
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  Speaker 2: and we'd like to start a day early.
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  Speaker 3: That's good, isn't it. It's great? Okay.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: By the way, my name is Justin Justin Coulson. I'm
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: a doctor of psychology. I've got six books that I've
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: written about making families happy here with Kylie, my wife,
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: We've we've got six kids.
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  Speaker 4: Did you lose count?
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  Speaker 3: No? I just kind of forgot how to say it.
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  Speaker 2: Every now and again, I sort of say we've got
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  Speaker 2: six children Between practice.
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  Speaker 3: We haven't a podcasted for a couple of weeks.
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  Speaker 2: So anyway, we're really really excited because every Friday we
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: talked about old do better Tomorrow. We're going to get
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: there in a sect. But I thought we should do
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: a quick recap of what we've been up to at
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: Easter because that I don't know if it's interesting, but
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: I thought it could be fun to just recap what
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: was your worst bit of the easter break? Let's do
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  Speaker 2: best and worse? What was your worst bit? We've always
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: start with the bad stuff.
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  Speaker 4: Well, there was a couple.
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  Speaker 2: Oh really, yes, I was going to see the whole thing.
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  Speaker 4: Was decided to shut down.
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  Speaker 2: Our area. So we were in Brisbane just before the
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: holidays started.
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  Speaker 3: Heart failure borders are closed.
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  Speaker 2: We were like, oh no, that means we're not going
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  Speaker 2: to be able to do any of our plans because
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  Speaker 2: we were going to New South Wales and we were
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  Speaker 2: it was it was panic stations, really, wasn't it.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: It?
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  Speaker 4: Really was. For a few days, I didn't think we
• 2:03
  Speaker 4: were going to make it, and the girls particularly were
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  Speaker 4: so excited to be able to catch up with Nanny
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  Speaker 4: and Poppy.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: Colson haven't seen them for like what a year and
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: a bit.
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  Speaker 4: And it's been about three years since we've been back
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  Speaker 4: to Woollongong where we originally were.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so we spent like a decade in Wollongong. Our
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: kids grew up there. Now we're living in Brisbane thanks
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: to the Premier. We almost weren't going to make.
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  Speaker 4: It and the kids were devastated. So I had to
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  Speaker 4: deal with the up and down, the roller coaster emotions
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  Speaker 4: in the lead up to our holiday, but we eventually
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  Speaker 4: made it. We got on the road after two COVID tests,
• 2:35
  Speaker 4: we were allowed to head off and we had such
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  Speaker 4: a beautiful time.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 4: Really it was what our family needed to reconnect with
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  Speaker 4: ourselves as a family unit, to reconnect with extended family
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  Speaker 4: that we haven't spent time with, and to be able
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  Speaker 4: to spend time in a beautiful place that just holds
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  Speaker 4: such a special place in our hearts.
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  Speaker 2: I reckon Woollongong must be one of the most underrated
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: destinations or maybe overlooked destinations anywhere in the country. It
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  Speaker 2: is such a great place to visit, and so it's
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  Speaker 2: just gorgeous.
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  Speaker 3: It's absolutely beautiful.
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  Speaker 2: I forgot how much I loved it because it's been
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  Speaker 2: so many years since we've been back. So to our
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  Speaker 2: friends in Wollongong if I don't know if they listened
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: to the podcast, but we just loved being with you
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  Speaker 2: and to anyone who's listening in the Gong, Ah, you're
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  Speaker 2: so lucky. What an absolutely perfect place to live. I'd
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  Speaker 2: love to go back there one day. Let's take that
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  Speaker 2: off the podcast to talk about that later. My highlight
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  Speaker 2: was also Wollongong. My low light, although I think we
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: did it okay, was do you know.
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  Speaker 3: Can you guess?
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  Speaker 4: It was definitely piece to show.
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  Speaker 2: So we made a last minute decision, oh we're down here,
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  Speaker 2: the show's on, and we went to the Sydney Royal
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  Speaker 2: East to show so that we could spend a gazillion
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  Speaker 2: dollars on on total rubbish. I don't know why we
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  Speaker 2: go maybe every.
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  Speaker 3: Four or five years.
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  Speaker 4: I'm grateful that it's only that often.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And actually we did do a couple of things right,
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  Speaker 2: like we gave the kids some money and said to them,
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  Speaker 2: this money is your money.
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  Speaker 3: You decide what you spend it on.
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  Speaker 2: But you are responsible for buying your lunch, you are
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  Speaker 2: responsible for buying your entertainment, You're responsible for buying your
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: show bags.
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  Speaker 3: It's up to you.
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  Speaker 2: What was amazing about that was they knew that if
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  Speaker 2: they didn't spend the cash, they got to keep the cash.
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  Speaker 3: We told them that from the outset, this is now
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  Speaker 3: your money.
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  Speaker 4: I loved watching the mental cogs turning as they looked
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  Speaker 4: at things and would be like, that's really expensive, you know,
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  Speaker 4: Or I could get that so much cheaper if I
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  Speaker 4: went down to the local toy store, or it was
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  Speaker 4: just it was really incredible to watch that process.
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  Speaker 2: I watched our ten year old who was our She
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  Speaker 2: just loves sweet young food, and she's standing in front
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  Speaker 2: of the showbag spectacular. There's so many showbags, so much
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  Speaker 2: junk food there, and she knows how much lollies cost
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  Speaker 2: down at the supermarket, and she's doing the maths and
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  Speaker 2: she's like, hang on, that's more expensive here than it
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  Speaker 2: is at the supermarket.
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  Speaker 3: I'm keeping cash. She put the money back in the pocket.
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  Speaker 2: She only took one show bag out of there because
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  Speaker 2: it represented what was to her good value. It had
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: something that she couldn't easily access, such a really a
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: smart way to do it. So we basically said, here's
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  Speaker 2: your money, but it's actually your money. We don't want
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  Speaker 2: any of it back. You can spend it all here,
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  Speaker 2: or you can keep it and spend it at another time.
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  Speaker 3: This is just the cash.
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  Speaker 1: Now.
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  Speaker 3: Normally we wouldn't actually give them money.
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  Speaker 2: Normally, if we're going to the show, we give them
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: a few months notice and we get them to save
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: up their money and we do it that way. But
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: this time we just had to hand it over. They
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: were not flagrantly throwing money away. They were really really
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  Speaker 2: careful with it, and that was I think so cool.
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  Speaker 4: What I loved was watching our seventeen year old. She
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  Speaker 4: actually went off with her friend for the day and
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  Speaker 4: when we got back together, she'd spent nearly all of
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  Speaker 4: the money she had, but she didn't come home with
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  Speaker 4: a single thing. Her and her friend had brought all
• 5:50
  Speaker 4: of the ride tickets and had gone crazy on rides
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  Speaker 4: all day, and just that understanding that experiences are so
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  Speaker 4: much more important than you know stuff, and so she
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: had such an awesome day with her friend. While they
• 6:03
  Speaker 4: went into the haunted house where she did not open
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  Speaker 4: her eyes once.
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  Speaker 2: It wasn't scary, mom, It wasn't scary, Dad. I kept
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  Speaker 2: my eyes closed the whole time.
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  Speaker 4: So she heard people laughing when she walked out the
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  Speaker 4: door because she still had her eyes closed.
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  Speaker 3: She was clinging on to her friend for dear life.
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  Speaker 4: But those things are things, you know. They make memories,
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  Speaker 4: and I love seeing our children make memories.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so let's talk about what we've learned. I'll do
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: better tomorrow right after this.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast for a happier family.
• 6:36
  Speaker 4: Try a Happy Families membership, because a happy family doesn't
• 6:40
  Speaker 4: just happen. Details at happy families dot com dot au.
• 6:44
  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Famili's podcast, the podcast for the time
• 6:47
  Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers now and today we're
• 6:50
  Speaker 4: reflecting on our parenting journey over the last probably two weeks.
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  Speaker 2: Let's be honest, Yeah, and how we can give you
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  Speaker 2: some answers about how to make your family happier.
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: So we've got story each.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: We don't share the stories with one another before the podcast,
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: so hopefully they're not the same story, although we'll have
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: different perspectives on it regardless.
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  Speaker 3: Me or you first. What do you think, Why don't
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: you go? Okay, I'm going to go first.
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  Speaker 2: So, once we'd had our Easter holiday, I had a
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  Speaker 2: couple of days of.
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  Speaker 3: Work in Sydney.
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  Speaker 2: I had a client who said, we want you to
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  Speaker 2: hang around, we want you to do some work for us.
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  Speaker 2: And so you came home with the kids, jumped in
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  Speaker 2: the car, drove them home. Here's me working in Sydney,
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  Speaker 2: staying at a fancy hotel and having some quote living
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  Speaker 2: up the life. I was working long, hard hours. I'm
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  Speaker 2: just saying I was really working hard. I promise I
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  Speaker 2: was working very hard.
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  Speaker 4: Can I work long and hard and have a five
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  Speaker 4: star hotel.
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  Speaker 2: And no noise and no kids to bother you? There's
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  Speaker 2: definitely some advantage you here. Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Probably.
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  Speaker 2: So I was on the phone to you one afternoon,
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  Speaker 2: one evening, and you were in tears because everything had
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  Speaker 2: been so beautiful. The holiday so far had been great,
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: everything had gone swimmingly well, and then you just had
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: this whole And there were a few reasons that you
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: were in tears. First of all, our dog's cancer has returned,
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: and we're in the process of working that out at
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: the moment, which is it's a bit of a downer.
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  Speaker 3: Really, it's a really.
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  Speaker 2: Depressing thing because we've had him for so long and
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: we just love him. And so you were really upset
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: about that. The kids had been a little bit testy,
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: a little bit trying.
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  Speaker 3: You were missing me.
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  Speaker 2: But as you started to talk about a couple of
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: issues with the kids, I decided that I was going
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  Speaker 2: to take matters into my own hands. So after I
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: got off the phone to you, I rang our seventeen
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: year old. I said to her, Ella, I've just gotten
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: off the phone and Mum, and she's really sad. She's
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: actually in the bedroom crying. She's upset about a few things.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: And I walked through what those things were, the issue
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: with the dog, the fact that you miss me, and
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: also some of the challenges with the kids, and she
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: was one of those challenges in a couple of little ways.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: I just said to her, how do you think mum's
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  Speaker 2: feeling right now? And once she told me that, I
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: said to her, what do you think you can do
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: to help things to be better? And it was a
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  Speaker 2: really great experience because she acknowledged the contribution she was
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  Speaker 2: making to the challenges that you were facing. She recognized
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: that she hadn't communicated well that she hadn't participated in
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: family life as much as she needed to, and you
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: were carrying the entire burden on your own, and she
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  Speaker 2: came up with some solutions to make things better. I
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: got off the phone and I just thought, nailed it.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: Nailed it. And as I reflect even sharing the story, now,
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  Speaker 2: there's a couple of key things that happened that any
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  Speaker 2: parent can use with a child, whether they're seventeen or
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  Speaker 2: seven or even three or four, when you're frustrated with
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: your children.
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  Speaker 3: And I was the.
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  Speaker 2: First thing that I needed to do is let go
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  Speaker 2: of my emotion around this. This was not about me,
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  Speaker 2: and I couldn't make it about me. I couldn't be
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: angry when I talked to her, because when I'm angry,
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to be very smart in the way
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: that I talk. You know, high emotions, low intelligence. I've
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: talked about that very very often. But also she would
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: catch my high emotion and the conversation is not going
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: to go well if we're both emotional. So it was
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  Speaker 2: a really soft introduction to that conversation with lots of
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: love and explanation for what was going on.
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  Speaker 3: And then instead of me telling her what needed to
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  Speaker 3: happen to fix things. I opened it up to her.
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  Speaker 3: I empowered her.
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  Speaker 2: So just like those three yeas, well, there's three things
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  Speaker 2: that are happening. First of all, I'm getting out of
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  Speaker 2: my own way. I'm not letting my ego be invested.
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  Speaker 2: I'm trying to see her as a seveneen year old
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  Speaker 2: old girl who's just unaware, because that's really what's going
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  Speaker 2: on with our kids.
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  Speaker 3: They're in their own world. They're not thinking about us.
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  Speaker 2: Number two, I wanted her to understand what was going on.
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  Speaker 3: Explain.
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  Speaker 2: Number three, I wanted to explore what was happening for
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: her so that I knew how she was feeling. And
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: then number four, I said three things, but number four
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  Speaker 2: empowering her to come up with solutions because our children
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: want to do the right things if we can just
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: see the goodness in them and acknowledge that.
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  Speaker 3: So it was my I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 2: I felt really good about it, and by the way,
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: I did it just after I got home from that
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: trip with our seven year old who is having a
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: real moment. It works with seven year olds as much
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: as seventeen year old, so no one who's thinking, oh yeah,
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: it's fine when you've got big kids, or it's fine
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: when you're a thousand kilometers away and you're not in
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: the middle of the moment. You just need to make
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: sure the kids don't get emotionally flooded, and you can
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: have powerful conversations.
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  Speaker 4: Sometimes. I don't think it's the kids we need to
• 11:18
  Speaker 4: be worried about being emotionally flooded.
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  Speaker 3: It's ourselves. Yeah, so what's your I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 4: So I've just got a really little one. But it
• 11:26
  Speaker 4: was such a beautiful moment. We've had two children's birthdays
• 11:31
  Speaker 4: through the holiday period, and little miss now seven. I
• 11:35
  Speaker 4: can't believe we've got a seven year old again. But
• 11:38
  Speaker 4: she had received quite a few presents from your mom.
• 11:41
  Speaker 4: Your mom is overly generous at birthday times consistently, and
• 11:46
  Speaker 4: she had given Emily some beautiful gifts. And Emily hasn't
• 11:51
  Speaker 4: seen my mom yet for her birthday, and so they
• 11:54
  Speaker 4: face timed the other day and Emily took her into
• 11:57
  Speaker 4: her bedroom so she could show her one by one
• 12:00
  Speaker 4: each of the gifts that Nanny Coulson had given her.
• 12:03
  Speaker 4: And I wasn't actually part of the conversation, so I
• 12:06
  Speaker 4: didn't hear anything that had been discussed, but I know
• 12:09
  Speaker 4: how my mum would have responded, and so probably a
• 12:12
  Speaker 4: couple of hours later, I'm in the kitchen and Emily
• 12:15
  Speaker 4: comes and sits with me, and she was just drawing
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: at the bench and the next thing she says, Mummy,
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  Speaker 4: I don't feel spoilt. And because I knew she'd had
• 12:25
  Speaker 4: the conversation with my mum, and I know how my
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: mom would have responded in good, you know fun, I
• 12:30
  Speaker 4: knew that my mum has probably said to her, as
• 12:32
  Speaker 4: she's been showing her all of these gifts, how spoilt she.
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: Was, you spoiled, look at all those gifts.
• 12:38
  Speaker 4: And so I looked at her and I said, you don't.
• 12:40
  Speaker 4: I said what do you feel? And the biggest smile
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: came on her face and she said, I feel so happy,
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: and I was like, okay, and then she said I
• 12:51
  Speaker 4: feel grateful, and I looked at her again and she
• 12:54
  Speaker 4: said and delighted. And what I love. What I loved
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: about that, just that little moment in time was number one,
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: that as a seven year old, she has an ability
• 13:06
  Speaker 4: to articulate what she's feeling so clearly. But secondly, I
• 13:11
  Speaker 4: think this really kind of shows the empowerment that we've
• 13:16
  Speaker 4: given her over her lifetime. As we sit around the
• 13:18
  Speaker 4: dinner table each night and we talk about the things
• 13:20
  Speaker 4: that we're grateful for, and I've recognized in her an
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: ability to see goodness in our lives and for her,
• 13:28
  Speaker 4: there was no She's not spoilt. She's just so grateful
• 13:31
  Speaker 4: for the generosity of a nannie who knows the things
• 13:33
  Speaker 4: that she loves and was able to fill her world
• 13:36
  Speaker 4: with such delightful gifts.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: Well, we really hope that you've enjoyed our podcast today.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: It's so good to be back. It's great to be
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: sharing secrets to making families happier. If you love the podcast,
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: can you let everyone know about it? Share it with
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: your friends, jump onto Apple Podcasts, leave those five star
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: ratings and reviews so that other people can find out
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: about the podcast. The more ratings and reviews there are,
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: the more that Apple prioritizes the podcast in other people's feeds.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: We appreciate as always the work of Justin Ruland from
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: Bridge Media.
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: He's our producer. Our executive producer is Craig Bruce.
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: And if you'd like more information for making your family happier,
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: you can find it all at Happyfamilies dot com, dot
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: au