Latest / The Inspired Speaker Network / Finding Yourself Again After a Major Life Change

Transcript

Finding Yourself Again After a Major Life Change · The Inspired Speaker Network

• 0:00
  You are listening to The Awakening Woman on the Rise. If you are a woman who is seeking to live
• 0:07
  a more authentic life but are feeling not enough to step out fully just yet, you are in the right
• 0:14
  place. If you are a woman who is looking to live your personal truth and make the impact you truly
• 0:21
  desire, you are in the right place. I'm your host, Wendy Yacboski. Let's step out in this together.
• 0:30
  So welcome everyone to my first podcast interview. And I am so grateful to have as a guest,
• 0:39
  Patti Bevilacqua. She is an author, a podcaster, and a Substack contributor, which you're going to
• 0:46
  hear a little bit more about later. But I chose to interview Patti because she's a powerful
• 0:53
  inspiration to me. She is resilient. She is living her life full out. And I can't think of anyone
• 1:03
  better to talk to us today about coming home to ourselves, developing resilience. So gosh, Patti,
• 1:14
  it's so good to have you with me. It is my pleasure and my honor to be in this discussion
• 1:23
  with you. It means so much. I love you. And that's worthless. Yeah. Yeah. So. So I see you,
• 1:37
  Patti, as gentle and modest. So when I introduce you as someone resilient and coming home to
• 1:48
  herself and all of that kind of stuff, is that something? How do you feel about that?
• 1:57
  Um, it, I would never, I would never use that language, but it's accurate, because I'd say,
• 2:11
  since COVID hit, I found my home in me. And because of that, I've also
• 2:24
  created a home for multiple sclerosis to live inside me. And I treat Ms like a unruly tenant
• 2:34
  that I can't get rid of, but I will tolerate. But as long as I'm respectful, it is respectful to me.
• 2:41
  So I do, I, resilience didn't mean anything to me. It does now. Coming home
• 2:55
  didn't mean anything to me, but it does now. Yes. I really feel settled. I'm in the place
• 3:03
  where I need to be right now. I'm really glad that you answered that the way that you did,
• 3:09
  Patti, because so many people really do have a hard time until they're,
• 3:17
  they're actually there to accept that kind of feedback, that kind of how I see you is. So it
• 3:26
  says a lot about where you've come from, from the beginning, right? And so how would you feel about
• 3:35
  maybe just letting us know a little bit about where you began with this, and then we'll move
• 3:41
  toward where you are now? Sure. Since I was in grade 10, I wanted to be a high school physical
• 3:48
  education teacher. I was a goal setter, high achiever, and everything fell into my lap.
• 3:56
  When I graduated university, I got a job right away. And it was my dream job.
• 4:03
  I had a planning and there was nothing else. So I started in September 1989. And Wendy,
• 4:11
  in March 1990, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. And I didn't know anything about it.
• 4:18
  I didn't know anybody with MS. And years later, I left the only job I wanted. And
• 4:27
  it was not, it was not good, because I felt like a failure. Back in the days where people had
• 4:39
  one job for their entire life. And my dad kept saying to me, but it's a good paying job,
• 4:45
  and it won't get fired. And I'm like, I know. I can't do it anymore. And
• 4:55
  that's a whole other side of it, right. And so I went back to school, I did a PhD,
• 5:04
  and I was going to teach in a teacher education program, and got a lot of looks and a lot of
• 5:11
  interviews on campus. But I walked with a limp and multiple sclerosis is in the title of my thesis.
• 5:20
  And I get it, if I got sick on someone else's watch, they're gonna pay for my disability
• 5:27
  pension, right. So now what? And I wandered aimlessly for years, and I did a lot of
• 5:39
  foolish things, trying to find me, the only me I knew. And it hit hard when I realized
• 5:50
  she was never coming back. And as much as that hurt, it was also an awakening, because
• 6:02
  it was who I found as a result. I've done more things in the last 10 years that I ever would
• 6:09
  have done as a teacher, and I love teaching. I was going to retire as a teacher, and I would
• 6:16
  have been happy, happy, happy. But I wouldn't have done a TEDx talk, I wouldn't have competed
• 6:24
  in Speaker's Land, I wouldn't have a newsletter, I wouldn't have a podcast, I wouldn't have a book,
• 6:31
  and every one of those fit the Patty I was becoming. And that's a great way to let go,
• 6:47
  let go, and celebrate and recognize and appreciate and be grateful for all the people I've met,
• 6:56
  the stories I've shared. When somebody says to me, Oh, I never thought anybody would understand
• 7:04
  that. Thank you. That means that means the world to me.
• 7:09
  You know, Patty, when I hear even just what you shared right now about what you've been through,
• 7:16
  I realized that it's actually a journey, isn't it? It's a journey that keeps unfolding,
• 7:22
  keeps unfolding, keeps unfolding. I'm really hoping that who listens to this podcast goes to
• 7:30
  your sub stack, whatever the right word is for that, because you talk about so many different
• 7:38
  things that that came to you about learning about yourself, both of letting go and also embracing
• 7:47
  and, you know, what would you say, like, in terms of this podcast, one of the things that feels
• 7:54
  really important for me to support people in doing is recognizing when they have a belief
• 7:59
  that is no longer serving them, and that they are strong enough and safe enough to challenge
• 8:06
  that belief. So I'm wondering, what's that like for you? What kind of beliefs did you have that
• 8:14
  found? So I never heard the word no, ever. And then all of a sudden my body was saying,
• 8:25
  no, you can't run anymore. No, your hands can't do that. No, you'll never be the teacher you were
• 8:32
  meant to be. And that was the end. But I realized, no, it's not the end of the road. No, it's not
• 8:42
  the end of the journey. It's a detour sign. Just something unexpected, that may actually be a better
• 8:52
  option for you. So enjoy the trip and safe travels. Stay open to that. And, and don't try and
• 9:03
  fit whatever shape you are into a round hole or a square box.
• 9:13
  When you're on this journey to a different person, and you really don't know who that person is going
• 9:21
  to be. Get away from the restrictions, be open, be willing. And when no hits, you know, yeah,
• 9:34
  I hate it. I hate every time I'm told no, absolutely. But it does not determine my next
• 9:40
  step. Next step is always forward, Wendy, doesn't matter how far. Always forward.
• 9:51
  Respect and appreciate my past. But I'm going this way now.
• 9:58
  You know, that's one thing you said in your sub stack, which I thought was so powerful that
• 10:03
  leaving and correct me if I don't have this quite right. Okay. Leaving the old patty behind
• 10:11
  doesn't discount the new patty. Is that accurate? Yeah. Wow.
• 10:19
  We all we all have the past moments that we'll remember or we choose to forget.
• 10:30
  And we can't get rid of that, Wendy. informs who we are now.
• 10:37
  For me was, you know, having the youth and university years
• 10:49
  that I did, you know, I was valedictorian for my university graduating class.
• 10:55
  That what I was selected by my peers that meant everything to me. All of a sudden,
• 11:05
  I was gone, right? I thought I was going to be was gone. But every now and then there's a little
• 11:12
  patty on my shoulder that reminds me that, you know, there are still good parts of that past
• 11:19
  will always inform who I am. Yeah, absolutely. You know, I was thinking before I call this
• 11:28
  morning about the difference between change and transformation. And while change can be part
• 11:37
  of transformation, I think more with change, it can be an initial part where it's back and forth
• 11:43
  and back and forth and back and forth. And we all go through that, right. But when we move into
• 11:50
  transformation, we move into a new state of being, which is different from change.
• 12:00
  Absolutely. And that word was not in my vocabulary, when
• 12:06
  transformation was something that happened somewhere else to other people, things,
• 12:11
  reasons. Yeah, so I change was imposed for me change was opposed, imposed upon me.
• 12:27
  Maybe that's not the correct way for everybody. But for me, I wasn't decisions anymore. And I
• 12:34
  didn't like that. Yeah. But Ms has not restricted my transformation. Right.
• 12:46
  Because I turned the rock over multiple times and
• 12:55
  transformed, literally who I thought I was and what I
• 12:59
  was. You know, I can only imagine, Patty, that if this event would not have happened,
• 13:10
  you would have been happy in your dream being still all together. But you know what, you have
• 13:18
  expanded so much like, you know, like you've already said, and it's like, it's like you are now
• 13:27
  and again, correct me if I'm if I'm misspeaking, so much more fluid in your life and living.
• 13:35
  Sure, things get get in the way, right? But would you say that you're developing practices
• 13:44
  that help center and ground you and bring you back to yourself? At times? What would you say about
• 13:53
  that? So two things I would say one is, maybe seven or eight years ago, I applied to an MS
• 14:02
  research trial. And I had my intake meeting. And I was a candidate for it. And I said no,
• 14:13
  that I would not participate. Why? Because I was worried, Wendy, that if I got cured from the MS,
• 14:23
  would I lose the person I've become? Not that I was a bad person, I was a good person. I liked
• 14:31
  who I am. I was. Today, I'm a great person. I love who I am, because I live with MS. I didn't
• 14:39
  want to lose that. How do I ground myself? I don't know. You just keep going.
• 14:56
  Teddy, I'm just remembering. Did you not find out? Because you didn't, didn't you take
• 15:04
  that test? And then found out later? So that was many, many years ago, where I was
• 15:13
  six months, and I was picking on the world. And then I was on the placebo.
• 15:23
  That's what I want to let's talk about that. Because when you found out that all that you
• 15:29
  felt you had gained was a placebo? What did that tell you? It changed MS.
• 15:40
  From multiple sclerosis to MS stands for mindset shift.
• 15:47
  That's exactly what happened. It was the power of this. Yes.
• 15:53
  I feel stronger. I'm happier. I move better. I'm not tired. This drug is amazing. Yay, yay,
• 16:03
  yay. Right. I mean, I, I was a 180 change, right? Like, holy moly, slow down. I'm like,
• 16:16
  right. This discontinued the trial, because there was no change.
• 16:25
  In the placebo group and the group that got the infusion. I was like,
• 16:34
  Yeah, yeah. I'm, I'm really rethinking about your not rethinking, but looking back in my
• 16:43
  mind on your on your sub stack. And you were saying about how,
• 16:51
  how anyone in any kind of life situation, if they're wanting to have a certain result,
• 16:59
  or maybe not even a certain result, but if they're wanting their life to be changed,
• 17:04
  um, they have to go through a process. And sometimes,
• 17:12
  when I was reading that article, it reminded me of how sometimes,
• 17:18
  even when I knew there was an option, I was afraid to change because I was afraid of losing my old
• 17:24
  self. And I didn't know the new self yet, you know, so that that's, that's pretty normal in
• 17:31
  any in probably in any life experience for change. We all wear an invisible backpack
• 17:40
  full of bricks, financial difficulties, caring for an elderly parent, worried about eating disorder
• 17:51
  on and on and on. And people don't know what we're carrying. And we're not obligated to
• 18:01
  explain ourselves. There are ways that we could lighten the load. And one of them is, I believe,
• 18:15
  is being optimistic and seeing the good side of things as opposed to not and I'm not saying it's
• 18:26
  easy. No. Have I wanted to quit? Absolutely. Many times. Anybody, I can get you to where I am.
• 18:38
  Absolutely not. This is my experience. And if I could plan to see the hope for somebody else,
• 18:46
  in whatever sentence I say, you know,
• 18:52
  yeah, well, you I know, you've done that for me. And I know you've done that for a lot of people,
• 18:58
  Patty, and you're going to continue doing it because it's just who you are.
• 19:06
  Purpose. Yeah, yeah. You know, I'm not sure how this applies to you. But maybe we could talk
• 19:15
  about it. I was reminded again, thinking about our our call and different experiences I've had
• 19:20
  in my life. And for quite a while, weight was an issue, excess weight. And, and I remember
• 19:30
  that I thought, as soon as I get to my goal, wait, I can just go back to eating like I did before,
• 19:36
  because I made it, I did it, I arrived. But that's not really the way it works, right?
• 19:42
  You know, that if you want to maintain an achievement,
• 19:50
  generally speaking, we need to continue doing the things that got us there.
• 19:54
  Would you agree with that?
• 19:56
  Absolutely. 100%. Knowing what I know now, when I falter, am I worried about going back?
• 20:12
  I'm not anywhere close to where I used to think about that.
• 20:21
  That's MS, uncertainty and unpredictability. And, and that, I struggle with that every day,
• 20:31
  every single day. And I have to be careful, like my foot fell asleep the other day when I was
• 20:38
  reading a book on the couch. I could easily have said to myself, Oh, God, that's a new symptom.
• 20:48
  But they didn't, I didn't, I didn't name it. I didn't get excited or angry or annoyed or,
• 20:58
  or hurt or unhappy, I just recognized and sat a bit longer. And, you know,
• 21:08
  and actually, I asked Paul to help me stand up. And that's, that's part of the journey. Right?
• 21:19
  Oh, we're smart people. We all are smart people. And we, we figure things out,
• 21:27
  sometimes a little longer than we thought, or sometimes not as all, but you give yourself grace.
• 21:40
  There is no blueprint out there. No book out there.
• 21:48
  Mm hmm.
• 21:50
  Somebody who loses a spouse, you know, there's no
• 21:56
  rule on when are you gonna start feeling like your old self again?
• 22:04
  Yeah, it's called life.
• 22:07
  Yeah, absolutely. And, and, you know, you've said a couple of things that I think are not only
• 22:14
  helpful for you, but I think for others that are looking to make change in their life is,
• 22:19
  and one is to ask for help. Another is to maybe not name it as as the worst thing that
• 22:32
  meaning the end again, rather than a beginning, maybe. And, and when I think about people that
• 22:42
  would be listening to this call that that have their own, I'm going to just use the word intense
• 22:51
  challenges. I'd like to be able to give them some support that when they feel alone, scared,
• 23:03
  um, troubled by the past, let's say, um, how,
• 23:11
  what helped you move through the difficult times? Even, even maybe more like what,
• 23:20
  what helped you go? Oh, okay. I'm okay. You kind of shake it off or whatever next.
• 23:26
  My very first class in graduate school, when I was doing my PhD, I was the first to give my
• 23:33
  presentation. I was consumed by so much emotion, telling my story and why I was there that I
• 23:44
  couldn't finish. Colleagues or my classmates who had never met me before, told me three things.
• 23:52
  First, let go of the past backstory, not erasing it, but you don't need to retell it every single
• 24:01
  day. Second, you have every right to feel all emotions you feel. Give yourself grace. Third,
• 24:11
  what are you going to do next? What are you going to do next? So when I meet people who are in
• 24:21
  that deep, dark hole at whatever depth or stage of it is, you know, I'm not saying that
• 24:29
  doesn't matter. It does matter. Recognize it, own it, and ask yourself,
• 24:38
  where do I go from here? And don't beat yourself up, right? And if you don't have an answer for
• 24:45
  that, you don't have an answer for that. And when you least expect it, maybe you'll get a light bulb
• 24:56
  moment and you'll realize something actually has changed or you've seen it through a different lens
• 25:03
  or the light shone a little differently. There is no map. But there is you and your experience.
• 25:18
  And that's important because nobody can accuse you of lying if what you're saying is true to you.
• 25:31
  Yes. Have I lied about things? Absolutely. Have I made things better or worse than what they were?
• 25:38
  Absolutely. But you know what? That's me. I can't, I can't control what other people think,
• 25:48
  see or feel. I can. I wouldn't do where I don't want to get up in the morning
• 25:56
  and say to myself, I already can tell that it's not going to be a good day.
• 26:10
  Right? Yeah. Yeah. You know, Patti, you used the word experience just a minute ago.
• 26:21
  And I'm thinking how powerful experience is, because I used to believe that transformation
• 26:30
  comes from reading a book. Can you tell? And it took me a long time to realize transformation comes
• 26:42
  from multiple things. But the most important thing that needs to happen is actually doing.
• 26:50
  And I know that there have been times for myself where I didn't believe in myself,
• 26:56
  and it became a story. And because it was a story, then I didn't do it. And when I didn't do it,
• 27:01
  I felt worse about myself. And I know I'm not alone in that. And, you know, the good news is,
• 27:09
  is that even if we take a small action, which could be today is going to be a great day.
• 27:15
  Like, but when we even take a small action, I think something happens psychologically,
• 27:22
  I don't have a science for it. But it impacts everything within us and about us. And
• 27:30
  all of a sudden, the next thing seems maybe a little more plausible or possible, or we just
• 27:36
  feel better. And that's okay, too. We don't have to be doing something all the time. But I'm glad
• 27:41
  that you talked about experience, because nothing will change unless we do something different,
• 27:48
  or think something different, which is also a doing.
• 27:52
  The name of my newsletter is seeing differently. Look, look through a different lens.
• 28:05
  Just, just try it. Maybe you're not there yet.
• 28:11
  There was a time when I wasn't there yet. Absolutely not.
• 28:16
  Am I saying it like, this is going to be your saving grace? No.
• 28:24
  I didn't see. How did you feel about that?
• 28:28
  Mm hmm.
• 28:31
  You know, did you? Did you feel the hurt stand up on your arms? Or did you? Not today.
• 28:40
  And you know what, that is okay.
• 28:44
  You know, Patty, I'm reminded again of your amazing last sub stack that I read and about how
• 28:53
  you use the word healing, of course, because that fits your situation. But you said that you used to
• 28:59
  believe that healing, what did you say it meant getting your old life back? You know, and that's
• 29:09
  such a powerful awareness. And I think that sometimes we do want that. Because changes is
• 29:17
  what's the word confronting sometimes, you know, but we're not going to be the same person ever.
• 29:31
  Whatever the situation is, because we're growing, as we're doing and, you know,
• 29:38
  and different things are required of us, right?
• 29:41
  We're growing, we're aging, where we live changes who are there, there's so much change.
• 29:49
  And, and back when I was in grad school, I was working so hard at getting Patty back.
• 29:59
  I was working so hard at that, that it was exhausting. And I was looking back, I was missing
• 30:09
  out on on things that were important or great lessons or great people or a new sighted me.
• 30:21
  Because every time I walked past a window and saw my reflection, I stared just just
• 30:29
  old Patty just waved to me.
• 30:33
  Yeah, sweetie. Yeah, I can't even imagine Patty, you are such an amazing person. You are such an
• 30:45
  example. I'm so glad you're on this call, Patty, because you not only have resilience, and you not
• 30:53
  only are coming home to yourself more and more every day. But you are an example of success.
• 31:04
  Not in a like it needs to look like this, but life success.
• 31:10
  You know, I, I am an example of it's doable.
• 31:16
  Yes.
• 31:17
  You don't have to be rich and famous.
• 31:20
  Yeah.
• 31:21
  Get here.
• 31:21
  Yeah.
• 31:23
  Can I give you the 10 ingredients? No.
• 31:28
  But I can share with you my experience.
• 31:33
  Yeah.
• 31:34
  Maybe, maybe something resonates with you.
• 31:39
  Yes. Yeah, absolutely. And you know, Patty, I know you mentioned it yourself, but you've
• 31:44
  written a book. What is the name of that book?
• 31:48
  MS doesn't define me a biography of a polymath. And I had to look up polymath because my publisher's
• 31:58
  edition and it's somebody who knows a lot about a lot of stuff. And when I when I think about
• 32:08
  that book, and the journey. I know a lot.
• 32:15
  Yes, yeah, absolutely.
• 32:17
  Our story of MS, but at the end of every chapter are reflection questions that apply to everyone.
• 32:29
  What challenge you're facing, whether it's invisible or not, or what category it falls in.
• 32:37
  They're just questions that help you to be more aware and think about.
• 32:49
  And, and the feedback has been great.
• 32:54
  So Patty, where's the book sold? Are you selling it yourself? Or can it be gotten at Amazon or?
• 33:02
  Amazon, it's on Audible. Well,
• 33:10
  yeah, Amazon Canada, Amazon US, and they have their different versions there.
• 33:18
  Okay. And then I, I'm not sure, it's not widely found in chapters or
• 33:30
  Barnes and Noble. I know some have them.
• 33:33
  Okay. Okay. Well, we'll make sure that in the show notes, we've got the link that people can
• 33:41
  use to find your book, because like, transformative, again, is another word that comes to me. So,
• 33:49
  so, so Patty, as we we move into wrapping up, I'm wonder wondering if there's something in your
• 33:57
  heart or your soul that you would like to leave listeners with today in moving forward in their
• 34:05
  own transformation? It, it's just, you know, no, it's not the end of the road, or to something
• 34:18
  unexpected. And, you know, give it, give yourself grace, like, go easy on you. And, you know,
• 34:36
  it's a journey. It's a journey. And the last thing I would say, I often tell people,
• 34:46
  doesn't matter if it's a centimeter, a meter or a kilometer. Just make sure it's forward.
• 34:55
  Oh, Patty,
• 34:57
  just make sure it's forward. It doesn't matter.
• 35:04
  Thank you so much, Patty, for every precious minute on this call. I so value you.
• 35:12
  I value you. And I, I really value helping to get a bit more of my message out there.
• 35:22
  And anybody who's out there?
• 35:26
  Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Thank you, my dear. I look forward to connecting with you again later.
• 35:33
  And lots of love. I can't wait to see you again.
• 35:39
  Okay, bye for now.