Latest / DidiLawren / I want £20,000 Wedding Or I will walk Away - Bride to-be Issue Final Ultimatum

Transcript

I want £20,000 Wedding Or I will walk Away - Bride to-be Issue Final Ultimatum · DidiLawren

• 0:09
  Hello and welcome back to another episode of Bachelor
• 0:11
  Orencia. How are you all?
• 0:12
  You know if you're doing great. Now for today's episode I want
• 0:15
  to talk about relationship ultimatum.
• 0:18
  Now somebody watching me now or myself.
• 0:22
  I've been in this situation whereby I've given my partner an
• 0:25
  ultimatum. Was that met?
• 0:28
  Anyway, it was diverted to today's episode Now system I did
• 0:33
  my business to. A friend of mine called me and
• 0:35
  said you need to come and put us in this matter.
• 0:37
  I was like, which matter? What is happening?
• 0:40
  What's going on? Why am I being dragged into
• 0:42
  something I don't even know about?
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  So she said basically her cousin was supposed to get married and
• 0:49
  she's threatening to call the whole thing off because the
• 0:53
  husband is not meeting her demands.
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  I was like, which of your cousin?
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  Because there is this lady we've been sitting now talking about
• 1:01
  wedding plans, planning, everything.
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  So I was, I was shocked. I I wasn't even expecting that
• 1:07
  to be the cousin. I was thinking maybe somebody
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  else, because as far as I'm concerned, we have arranged our
• 1:12
  wedding. We have here.
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  See, Easter was supposed to be popping.
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  So she said no, it is the same course.
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  You know, I said, I what happened?
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  She said, well, they they were planning for the wedding.
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  They arranged everything but the husband or the husband to
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  because they are traditionally married, but they are trying to
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  do. So basically they're married,
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  OK? In Africa they are husband and
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  wife. So I'm going to say her husband.
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  Basically the husband was telling her that the money they
• 1:46
  planned for the wedding was too much, that he could not afford
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  it, that he wouldn't want to start a life with her going into
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  debt. So they should do what they
• 1:58
  could afford. Initially when we're planning
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  this wedding, it was about 10,000 lbs.
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  I got involved in the budgeting aspect of the whole thing
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  because my friend called me and said they need somebody to like
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  a project manager to kind of just the plan, the budget,
• 2:12
  handle the budget and everything.
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  So I got involved and we started planning.
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  I asked all the necessary questions, how much is their
• 2:21
  budget, what they are planning to do, how many people.
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  So we just mapped out, you know, everything based on a 10,000 lbs
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  wedding. So I was shocked when he they
• 2:35
  were not telling me that the her cousin which is the fiancee is
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  given an ultimatum that if the man does not double that amount
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  that she is not going to marry him.
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  I was like why? Why was that not communicated
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  from the beginning? Why do we have to go and plan a
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  10,000 wedding only for her to be given ultimatum over 20,000
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  lbs wedding. What is going on?
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  So apparently after we did the budget, she showed some of our
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  friends and family and they said you are bigger than this now
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  what is 10,000? Why would they do it in this
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  hall? Because we plan for 50 people.
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  We played all 50 people. Family and friends are saying
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  now she's bigger than this one. Will she not, you know, put more
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  money and get his ah, she's just going to let her do it.
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  Instagram pictures. How is she this how she's going
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  to show our children is this what's going to be in her video?
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  This this that, that that. So she came and complained this
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  to my friend and my friend was trying to tell her you you you
• 3:42
  don't have your husband do have to what are you planning £20,000
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  worth dying for? You know, relax, just do this
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  one. Ah, because it was not
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  listening. She went and told the husband
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  that they should increase the budget.
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  So in that 10,000 budget, her budget was supposed to be 4000.
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  I don't know how they divided the money.
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  So she was supposed to bring 4000 and he was supposed to
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  bring 6000. The family were like, what are
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  you saying? You're the one giving him
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  papers, You're the one doing this, you're the one doing that.
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  If he was going to go and pay for these things, do you know
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  how much he's going to cost him? He's going to cost him not less
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  than you know they they kind of he before you could say Jack,
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  they added £10,000 to the whole budget and said no, that the guy
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  will have to go and look for 16,000 lbs instead of the £6000
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  that they budgeted the wedding. So they told the guy, the guy
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  said he's not going into that, that if she wants a 20,000 lbs
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  wedding and he was he is going to bring 16,000 that they have
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  to move the wedding you know forward for them to be able to
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  afford that amount of money. The lady was saying that she is
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  not going to move that way. You know that they must do, they
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  must be 20,000 lbs wedding. That's what is he saying.
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  If he wants to go and renew paper, will you go and tell them
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  that all they have to move it forward?
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  He will go and look for money any by anyhow you want borrow
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  money he must do it. That so she is demanding for
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  that to be done. I was like I don't understand
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  these were two people in love who these were people that were
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  even planning you know we sat down we did a budget of £10,000.
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  I know how long it took us to you know do research gets
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  location, get key trials. You know we got a very good
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  photographer because the you have to take good pictures.
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  We got a 60 capacity venue, very lovely venue, just we just
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  planned everything within our, that's all.
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  We were kind of surprised that she was insisting on this.
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  So my friend was telling me to talk to her.
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  I said OK, I will go, but before then I've not even spoken to her
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  about the whole thing. I was just talking to my friend,
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  but she was communicating that I was the one that helped with the
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  budgeting and everything. So I called that up.
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  I said good afternoon. It is new.
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  My friend told me about you know what is going on.
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  She said yes that what do I think about the whole thing that
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  can I imagine now her list of people they it's not even 80
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  that what she going to do. That said how is she going to
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  start reducing people that why can't they just give her what
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  she wants? Why would she not do this?
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  Why would she not do that? And see?
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  Was that communicated from the beginning?
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  What was the communication? Do you Did you want a big
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  wedding from the beginning? Because I don't understand.
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  If you wanted 20,000 lbs worthy, why were you planning for
• 7:00
  £10,000? If you wanted, you know, 80
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  people, why did we plan for 50? My understanding is that before
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  you start planning your wedding, you will have the budget.
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  Yes, you're going to spend above that budget.
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  Let's say we plan for 10,000 lbs.
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  Obviously, maybe they are to spend maybe 12,000 lbs maximum
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  £15,000 if you push gets to shove.
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  But for the fact that you're now increasing the the budget to
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  20,000 lbs, at the end of the day you're going to spend more
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  than £20,000. I was like, why?
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  Even if you're going to increase that budget, you have to make
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  your husband understand that you know, I now have 80 people.
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  How are we going to do it? You can do reception, you can
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  change venue. If the venue is the problem, you
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  can actually change venue or even the whole caterers and
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  everything we got. I am I don't even think they
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  will finish the food that we plan for that day.
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  So it could actually cater for 80 people.
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  All you need to do is to maybe get do small chop, do more small
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  chop. By the time we finish eating
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  small chop, everybody is full. I went to a birthday party where
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  the food was surplus, like people were taking food home and
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  I was like, you know, does does that really make sense?
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  I am coming to a party to eat, not to eat.
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  And you know, it's a Nigerian thing anyway.
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  But she just wanted that the husband is not budging.
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  She's thinking she doesn't love her.
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  This is that I talked and talked and talked.
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  After my conversation with her, the only thing I realised was
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  that the budget was not there was already problems that she
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  was already kind of resenting the something happened that they
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  are not talking about. Something happened to shifter
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  from 10,000 to 20,000. Something happened for her to
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  say ohh, you know, if you're going to go and pay for these
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  things, why Once somebody feel that you're not doing enough or
• 9:00
  you're not pulling your weight, that is beyond whatever project
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  is at hand. Let's say the wedding.
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  Now, it is not that wedding, it is the fact that she's feeling
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  that he is not doing enough or he is not appreciating her
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  enough or there is something I was trying to get to the root of
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  the problem, like it's not about the wedding.
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  If it was about big wedding, trust me, would have sat down
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  done a £20,000 budget. That was when she said, well
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  that and this is the second time he's pushing the wedding.
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  After they did their traditional marriage, the plan was to do a
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  wedding straight up and the wedding then wouldn't have even
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  cost them anything. They would have just done
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  traditional marriage and wedding.
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  But he was insisting that ohh, he doesn't want to do wedding,
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  but because of his immigration he applied for an extension and
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  he was denied. You know, he now had to rely on
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  her. So he now wanted her them to get
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  married. Basically white wedding and
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  cross wedding to do all those things just to satisfy that.
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  So she's not feeling OK if this is actually I wanted a wedding
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  in the beginning you did, you just wanted a traditional
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  marriage. So now that this has happened, I
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  even force for this 10,000 lbs wedding.
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  I offered to bring 4000 lbs for us to do this thing, but now
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  that you need it the most, they bring 20,000 lbs.
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  These are the issues. After the whole conversation, I
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  called my friend and I said this is the part that we talked to.
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  It is no wedding. No it's not the 10,000 budgets.
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  It's not even the 20,000 lbs budget because the problem is
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  already there. The is a giant red flag for
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  anybody to start giving an ultimatum in a relationship.
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  See, just leave that room. Instead of giving an ultimatum,
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  just leave the relationship. Because there's a reason why
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  you're giving that ultimatum. There is like, maybe you're not
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  feeling appreciated, maybe you're not feeling wanted.
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  Maybe there is something you want that person to do to do,
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  and that person is not doing it for they are dragging their
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  feet, and then you're giving the ultimatum, trying to force them
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  to do. Because ultimatums are basically
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  you're trying to force somebody to do what they don't want to
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  do. There is a reason why they
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  themselves don't want to do that thing.
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  And if you're giving them ultimatum, maybe they can agree
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  to do that thing. But naturally is against their
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  wish. So there's going to be a problem
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  or problems along the line. Are you going to always give
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  somebody ultimatum if that person is not aligning what you
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  want? Once it gets to the stage of
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  ultimatums, here I will carry my background.
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  Listen, I've been in a relationship where I gave an
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  ultimatum and at the end of the day did that.
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  The person did what I I asked for.
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  But did that satisfy me? No, because the ultimatum was
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  not the the There's a problem that needs to be addressed.
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  There's a problem maybe the way that person think.
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  Maybe the way that person approach matters, Maybe the way
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  the person see issues, Maybe they don't even see problems.
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  Maybe like there is a disconnect somewhere before that ultimatum
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  was given. So even if that person who feel
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  whatever you're asking for just because they don't want to maybe
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  lose you or they don't want to the the the the the mindset that
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  made you give the automation still there.
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  So if you're going to start a marriage with an ultimatum, my
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  brother, my sister, he please do pack your bag and roll.
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  No, because that is how you're going to be resolving issues
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  from their own. There is a disconnect.
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  So if it's a communication issue, you're saying ohh, we
• 13:02
  must talk today. If we don't talk today, I am
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  leaving this house the next day. The next day when you want to
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  talk and the person is not listening to you, you will not
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  give another optimization. If you don't talk to me, I am
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  leaving this house. You're going to get tired.
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  At some point that person will even feel they will say OK,
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  good, now leave. I'm not doing it.
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  It was a much more bigger issue and I told my friend there are
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  still, you know, trying to get resolved this thing.
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  Let them go to premarital counselling and then call Eldas
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  for elders to chook mouth. Because for me the issue is not
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  even the wedding. The issue is not the the amount
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  of money. The issue there is there is a
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  breach or there is a gap between them.
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  There is a communication problem.
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  Somebody is not listening to somebody, somebody is not.
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  Maybe the guy is right for not wanting to pay £20,000 for
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  wedding. She is also right for thinking,
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  OK, hey I am giving you people, people is £15,000 and you cannot
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  even bring 16,000 lbs and pay for for for for our waging.
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  So both of them are right. They just have to understand
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  that OK are you marrying this person to give them paper?
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  And according to my friend the guy was saying that instead of
• 14:23
  him to pay 16,000 for you know, for the wedding, he will take
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  the 15,000 and go and pay for people so that he will know
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  that. OK, this is my wife so that she
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  will not come wake up one morning and say hey I gave you
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  paper. Hey I gave you this.
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  I give you that he the house for our relationship.
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  The house for our marriage. People issue.
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  People are issue. These are people that are
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  supposed to be enjoying their life.
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  These are people that we plan the wedding.
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  We plan the wedding. Please get allow people tell her
• 15:00
  giving him paper. Why is he not paying this amount
• 15:02
  of money? This is what they are paying for
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  people right now. Once he gets through to meet
• 15:08
  him, my dear, sit down and analyse the whole situation.
• 15:13
  Anyway, for those of you watching me, have you at any
• 15:15
  point in your life giving a partner an ultimatum?
• 15:18
  Was the ultimatum? Was he met?
• 15:21
  How was it after that? Were there multiple ultimatum
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  after the first one? Or was this just one off and you
• 15:30
  guys lived happily ever after? Or was it, you know, a
• 15:34
  continuous process and you have to break up before then?
• 15:38
  Let us know so that people will learn.
• 15:40
  This is a learning process. To thank you very much for
• 15:42
  joining today's episode. Today's episode is once again
• 15:45
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• 15:49
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• 15:55
  Bye, bye.