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Wayne Dyer’s Best Advice for Work and Life · Speaking of Meaning

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the show.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I have been quite sick for the last two, three weeks.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I've had a lot of time to read, but also reflect.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I have been thinking about Wayne Dyer.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Wayne Dyer was an American author and speaker who spent much of his life talking
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: about personal responsibility,
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: relationships,
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: mindset, and the way we respond to the circumstances we find ourselves in.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Today I will share some of Wayne Dyer's best advice for a better life and try
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: to apply them to the workplace.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because it is one thing to hear a quote when you're sitting at home drinking coffee,
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: feeling calm and relaxed.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something completely different when you're sitting in a meeting
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: and your manager says something you strongly disagree with.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or a colleague says something that gets under your skin.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Or someone takes credit for your work.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or you feel you've been passed over for a promotion.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Or you're simply tired of your job.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's where I think these ideas become more interesting to me.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Wayne Dyer's ideas are not interesting when your life is going well,
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: but when we feel frustrated,
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: when we are disappointed,
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: when we feel misunderstood,
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: when we feel treated unfairly,
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: because that's when we really find out What we carry with us.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to take some of his advice,
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Wayne Dyer's advice and ideas, and ask a very simple question.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: What does this actually look like at work?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: In a real meeting,
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: in a difficult conversation with a difficult colleague,
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: or with a manager,
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: or when you're alone at your desk wondering why you're so unhappy with your job,
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Wayne Dyer's ideas are not just good advice for a better life.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: They can also serve you in your career.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get started.
• 2:10
  [music]
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, you can't give what you don't have.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is a very simple idea.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: But it is surprisingly powerful when you bring it into the workplace.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: You can't give what you don't have.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now think about trust.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody tells you, I want my employees to trust me.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: But does that person actually create an environment where people feel safe enough to disagree?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because trust isn't something you can simply demand from people.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can't stand in front of your team and say, I want you to trust me.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Trust comes from what you repeatedly do.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: How you behave when someone makes a mistake or how you respond when someone disagrees with you.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you keep your promises or whether people can tell you something difficult
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: without being punished for it.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the same thing applies to all of us, not just managers or team members.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: We often expect things from other people that don't necessarily bring ourselves.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think we often expect things from other people That we don't necessarily bring ourselves.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: So let's say we want respect.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: But do we give respect?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: We want patience.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: But are we patient?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: We want people to listen to us.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: But do we actually listen?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: We want psychological safety.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: But do the people around us feel safe?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's a difficult question because it's much easier to look
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: at what other people are doing than to look at ourselves.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say you walk into a meeting thinking,
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: my colleagues need to communicate better, whatever that means.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe the question is also, how do I communicate?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: You might be thinking, my manager needs to trust a team better.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: But let me ask you this.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Do you make it easy for your manager to trust you?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying everything that happens to you at work is your responsibility.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's not.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: We know there are bad managers.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: There are dysfunctional organizations.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: There are unfair decisions.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: There are unhealthy workplaces.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, I've been traveling forever.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been meeting with people,
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: organizations, leaders, and I know a lot of workplaces are just unhealthy.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: I know that.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: But we have to ask ourselves, what am I bringing into this environment?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because you can't give what you don't have.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: What are you bringing into the environment?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say somebody is not treating you fairly.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Lack of respect.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: They're not kind.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: They're not showing you enough love.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of just labeling them as a bad person, what if we could...
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Shift this conversation and tell ourselves that they can't give us love,
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: respect, kindness because they don't have love, respect, kindness.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because you can't give what you don't have.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want you to think of a situation where you saw someone demanding something
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: from others that they weren't giving themselves.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or a situation where you realized that the way you behaved affected the people around you.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of questions for you.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: What do I bring into the room?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: How do people feel after interacting with me?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do I give the things I expect from other people?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Can I create trust if I don't behave in a trustworthy way?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, number one, you can't give what you don't have.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, what's inside will always come out.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: This is another simple,
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: perhaps silly, but powerful idea from Wayne Dyer that I find very interesting.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: What's inside will always come out.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: I've learned that pressure Often reveals what is already inside us.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now think about a normal workplace situation.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: You go into a meeting, somebody treats you poorly or disagrees with you.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they say, you know, I don't think this is the right approach.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or they say something they shouldn't have said.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then suddenly you feel irritated.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you become defensive.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you change your voice.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: You start interrupting them.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you think, who does this person think they are?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then you might say, they made me angry.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Did they really make you angry?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: That person hurt my feelings.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: How can they hurt your feelings?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: They did trigger something, absolutely.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: But what exactly came out of you?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because another person might hear exactly the same comment and respond completely differently.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: One person might say, okay,
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: tell me what you think or why you think that,
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: while another person might immediately feel attacked.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: The same words,
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: different response,
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that's interesting because sometimes another person can trigger us.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's like they press a button and they press it and something comes out of you.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: And when that happens, we blame the person who pressed the button.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe the more interesting question is, why was that button there?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: What is inside me that made that reaction possible?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: What if it's insecurity?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's pride.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's fear of criticism or the need to be right.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's something that has happened to us earlier in life.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: And again, it's not about blaming ourselves for every reaction.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I believe it's about becoming aware of ourselves.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you don't understand your own reactions, other people can control you very easily.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody says something, you react.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: A manager sends an email, you react.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody doesn't invite you to the meeting or the wedding, you react.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Someone gets the promotion you wanted, you react.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly your emotional state depends on what everybody else is doing.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Think about it.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Your emotional state depends on what everybody else is doing.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's exhausting.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Other people can control us, can control our reactions.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe the question isn't only, what are other people doing to me?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's also, what is happening inside me when they do it?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because what's inside will come out.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: What's inside will come out.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're full of hatred...
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Bitterness, Anger.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Then you will be angry, bitter, hateful when things don't work out because that's what's inside.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Pressure doesn't create something new.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Pressure reveals something that was already there.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now a couple of questions for you.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: What comes out of me when I'm under pressure?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself this.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: What comes out of me when I am under pressure?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: What situations trigger me?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Do I blame people for my reactions?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: What might my reaction be telling me about myself?
• 10:43
  [music]
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, don't let the music die with you.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I want to include this idea because I think it fits very well with the conversation about work.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: I see it as an idea.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let the music die with you.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I think about people who have abilities, ideas and dreams, but never really use them.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Many people work in jobs they don't enjoy.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that's simply life.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, we have bills, we have responsibilities, kids, mortgage, you name it.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: You have things that have to be done, but sometimes something else happens.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: You slowly stop doing the things you're good at.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you wanted to write.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you wanted to teach.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you want to start a company, become a leader, create something, help people, speak.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually you say maybe one day.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes one day becomes 10 years.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's what worries me because your job can pay your bills
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: without necessarily giving you the opportunity
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: to use everything you have inside you.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying everybody needs to quit their job tomorrow and follow their passion.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's not realistic.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe there are small ways to bring more of yourself into the work you're already doing.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say you're good at teaching.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Can you teach someone?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you're good at organizing, can you improve something?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: If you're creative, can you suggest an idea?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: If you're good at bringing people together, can you use that ability?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes your music doesn't require you to leave your job.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes it requires you to start using what you already have.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: And for me personally, speaking is something I love.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Being on the stage, talking to people.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Helping people think about communication, trust, bias,
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: workplace culture, traveling around the world and speaking and being a consultant.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I love to do.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: But even when you love your work, there are parts of it you don't love.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Emails, invoices, preparations, logistics, travel arrangements.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: There are things that are boring.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And tiring.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And there are days when you think, do I really have to do this?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And trust me, I've been there.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: As much as I love what I do,
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: that I have a company,
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: that I get to meet brilliant leaders and wonderful organizations
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: and wonderful people.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: For me, it's boring to handle emails, invoices.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes my preparations exhaust me.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like all the travel arrangements,
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: but it's part of the job because I do what I love,
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: which is communication, consulting, and workplace culture.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of questions you can ask yourself.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: What am I good at?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: What do I enjoy doing?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: What part of myself am I not using?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: What have I been saying maybe one day about?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Am I allowing my job to consume all my energy?
• 14:34
  [music]
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, be miserable or motivate yourself.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: This one is one of my favorites from Wayne Dyer.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Be miserable or motivate yourself.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: I think there's something interesting in this one
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: because sometimes we romanticize loving your job.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: We imagine if we find the right career, every day will feel meaningful.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: It won't.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you love what you do, there will be boring parts.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Difficult clients,
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: there will be administration,
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: there will be rejection,
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: there will be travel delays,
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: mistakes,
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: days when you're tired,
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: there will be moments when you think, do I really have to do this?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where this quote becomes interesting.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: How do I deal with the parts I don't enjoy?
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: I can complain about them all day, or I can say, This is part of the job I chose.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean I have to enjoy it,
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: but it means I don't have to make myself miserable because I don't enjoy it.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: I love traveling and meeting people.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: I love being on the stage.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: But do I love every email?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Do I love every invoice?
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Do I love sitting down to prepare a presentation for hours?
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Not always.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do I love every part of traveling?
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely not.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: But those things are connected to something I care about.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that's enough to change the way you look at them.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: The boring task isn't necessarily the purpose.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's part of what allows you to do the thing that is the purpose.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: But what if I genuinely hate my job?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Then maybe the question is different.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I need to do something about it.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I need to talk to someone.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I need to develop a new skill.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Look for another job.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Change my expectations.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I need to leave.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: But simply complaining every day
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: about how terrible your job is doesn't necessarily change anything.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying every person has the same freedom.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Some people are in difficult financial situations.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Some people can't simply walk away.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Some workplaces are genuinely harmful.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: So this one is not about just think positively.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the right answer really is to leave.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: But even when you can't leave tomorrow, you can ask yourself, what is my next step?
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about fixing your entire life tomorrow, but it can start with a simple idea.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do next?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of questions for you.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, what parts of my job do I dislike?
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Am I making those things worse by constantly complaining?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: What can I actually change?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: If I hate my job, what is my next step?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Am I taking responsibility for my situation?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, there are no justified resentments.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is probably one of the ideas that I find most interesting in the workplace
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: and also one of the most uncomfortable because sometimes we have very good reasons
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: to be upset.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Someone treats us badly.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: A manager made a decision that hurt us.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: You were excluded.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: You were passed over.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Someone said something deeply unfair.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: What does it mean?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: When Wayne Dyer says, there are no justified resentments.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean what happened was okay.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean you shouldn't acknowledge what happened.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't mean you shouldn't address the injustice.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: The question should be,
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: what happens when we continue carrying the resentment long after the event?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: I experienced something that really made me think about this.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Many years ago,
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: when I started at an organization, some of the colleagues talked about a manager.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: They talked about how they disliked the manager's leadership.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: Some people had been hurt.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: Some people had been crying.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: When I heard the stories, I assumed this had happened recently.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: But then I found out it had happened seven years earlier.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: You heard it right.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Seven years.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: And yet the story was still alive.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: People were still talking about it seven years later.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: It was still influencing how they talked about management.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: It was still part of the culture.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that really stayed with me.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because imagine what happens when a new manager comes in and
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: the new manager hasn't done anything yet, but people already have a story.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: I heard some people say, we know what managers are like.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the new manager walks into a culture carrying the weight of something
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: that has happened seven years earlier.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that's What resentment can do.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: Even in our relationships,
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: some people are still mad with people that hurt them 5, 10, 20, 30 years ago.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: Not yesterday, but 10, 15, 20 years ago.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what resentment can do.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because what resentment does is it can turn history into Into identity.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: You become what you think about.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: It can become this is how things are.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then every new event gets interpreted through the same old story.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say in the workplace a restructuring happens and people quickly judge it.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: Here we go again.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: So a manager makes a decision and people say, see, this is exactly what we expected.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: A colleague makes a mistake, it confirms the story.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly, the past is controlling the present.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: Letting go of resentment is not about saying they were right,
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: but it is about saying they I don't want to carry this anymore.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to carry this anymore.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because Wayne Dyer said, the resentment will only end up hurting you.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody else.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because guess what?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because the person you're angry with may not even be thinking about it anymore.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you're still carrying it.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why resentment can be so expensive.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily for the person who caused the original problem, but for the person carrying it.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because resentment will only end up hurting you.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of questions to ask.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: What am I still carrying from the past?
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: Is an old workplace story still influencing how I see people today?
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: Am I judging new people based on what someone else did?
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: What will happen if I stopped carrying this resentment?
• 23:06
  [music]
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: Number six,
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: when the choice is to be right or to be kind,
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: always choose the one that brings peace.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now think about a workplace argument.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: You and a colleague disagree.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know you're right.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: At least you believe you're right.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: And now the conversation becomes a competition.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: You want to prove your point and they want to prove their point.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: You bring up something they said three months ago
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: and they bring up something you did last year.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly you're not solving the original problem.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're fighting about the relationship.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: And this happens all the time.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: Not just in the home, but also in the workplace.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we don't actually want a solution because we want to win.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a big difference.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing peace doesn't mean being passive.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean allowing people to walk all over you.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't mean avoiding difficult conversations.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes peace requires a very difficult conversation.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a difference between saying,
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: we need to talk about what happened because this isn't working.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: And to say, I need to prove to you that you are wrong.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: There's a difference.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is about solving a problem.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: We need to talk about what happened because this is not working.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: The second one, I need to prove to you that you are wrong, is really about the ego.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the most productive thing you can say in a conflict is,
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: okay, we clearly see this differently.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: What do we actually need to solve?
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: What do we actually need to solve?
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: What are we solving here?
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: That changes the conversation.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of who is right, you move toward what do we need to do?
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that's particularly important at work because we don't get to choose everybody we work with.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: You may have to work with someone who sees the world very differently from you.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you might have a manager whose personality is completely different from yours.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't need to become friends with everyone,
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: but you do need to find ways to work together.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes peace gives you enough space to deal with the real issue.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of questions for you.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself this.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: Do I want to solve the problem or win the argument?
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: Am I making the conflict bigger because of my ego?
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: Can I disagree without attacking the person?
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: What would bring peace while still addressing the real issue?
• 26:15
  [music]
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: Number seven.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: You don't attract what you want.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: You attract what you are.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: You don't attract what you want, you attract what you are.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: If you show compassion,
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: if you show empathy, if you are of service to other people, this is who you are.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: You will attract more love,
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: more empathy, more kindness, because you are kind, empathetic and loving.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: Wayne Dyer used to say that the world doesn't give you what you want.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: It gives you what you are.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine you're starting a new job and before even you arrive,
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: you believe people can't be trusted.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so you keep your distance.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: You don't ask for help.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: You don't share very much.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: You don't tell people what you're struggling with.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: And let's say you interpret a short email as criticism.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe someone walks past you without saying hello and you think they don't like me.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: Someone gives you feedback and you think they're trying to put me down.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so you become more defensive.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, Other people notice this.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: They become more careful around you.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: They stop approaching you.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: They stop sharing things with you.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually you think, see, I was right.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: People here cannot be trusted.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: But look at what happened.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: Your original belief influenced your behavior and your behavior influenced their response.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: Their response then reinforced your original behavior.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: And this happens in workplaces and in homes, in relationships all the time.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: We have expectations about people.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: And those expectations affect our behavior.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: Our behavior affects other people's behavior.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then we use their behavior as evidence that our original belief was correct.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is absurd.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's why our assumptions matter so much.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we aren't simply observing a relationship.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: We are participating in creating the relationship.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it doesn't mean every difficult relationship is your fault.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people genuinely have behaved badly.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes your concerns are completely justified.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: I've been there.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: But it's worth asking, what are my expectations?
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't attract what I want.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: I attract who I am.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm giving to the world, what I'm contributing.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's worth asking, what part of this outcome, of this relationship am I contributing to?
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because that is the part you can actually work with.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: You don't attract what you want.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: You attract what you are.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of questions that you can ask yourself.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: What do I expect from other people?
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: How do these expectations influence my behavior?
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: Am I creating the relationship I complain about?
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: What would I do differently?
• 29:59
  [music]
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: Number eight.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you believe it will work out, you'll see opportunities.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you believe it won't, you will see obstacles.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: Think about a workplace change.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say a new system is introduced.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody has to learn something new.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: One person says, this is going to be a disaster.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then they start noticing every problem.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: The system is slow.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: Someone doesn't understand it.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: There isn't enough training.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: Something goes wrong.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: And every one of those things become evidence.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: I told you...
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: This wouldn't work.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: Another person looks at exactly the same situation and says, This is going to be difficult.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now notice the difference.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: Not this is going to be easy.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: But this is going to be difficult.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: How do we make it work?
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: So they start looking for resources,
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: people who can help, solutions, training, improvements, opportunities.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: The problems are still there.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: But the person's attention is different.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that's important.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: Optimism doesn't mean pretending there are no problems.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can see the problem clearly.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: And still believe that something can be done about it.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine a leader who enters every change initiative saying, this won't work.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: What happens to the team?
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: Well, people hear that.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: They become more hesitant.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: They stop taking risks.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: They stop suggesting ideas.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually,
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: the leader can point to that lack of engagement and say,
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: see, people don't want change.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: But perhaps the leadership behavior contributed to that response.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: On the other hand, a leader can say, this is difficult.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: There will be problems, but let's figure this out together.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is a very different message.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_00: Let me ask you a couple of questions.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: When something changes, what do I notice first?
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do I immediately look for problems?
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: Do I look for possibilities as well?
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: Can I acknowledge difficulty without assuming failure?
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: How does my attitude affect the people around me?
• 32:43
  [music]
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: Number nine,
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: when you judge another,
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: This one connects very strongly with my own work around bias and trust.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: Think about how quickly we label people at work.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: She's lazy,
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: he's difficult,
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: she's not committed,
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: he's not leadership material, she's not a team player, he has a bad attitude.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes these judgments may contain some truth.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, sometimes.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: But often we make them much faster than we realize.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: And once we have decided who somebody is,
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: we start looking for evidence that confirms our judgment.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: Confirmation bias.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: If I believe someone is lazy, I will notice when they are late.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_00: I may not notice when they stay late, but when they come late, I will notice.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: If I believe someone is difficult, I will notice every disagreement.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: But I may not notice the 10 times they were cooperative.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where bias becomes interesting because bias is not always
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: about some dramatic prejudices.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's simply the story we create about another person and then the way
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: that story changes how we treat them.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: Who do we listen to?
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: Who do we trust?
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_00: Who gets opportunities?
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_00: Who do we invite into the important conversations?
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_00: Who do we see as leadership material?
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: Who do we quietly give up on?
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: So before I label someone,
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: especially at work, maybe I can stop for a second and ask, what do I actually know?
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_00: What am I assuming?
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_00: What evidence do I have?
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: Could there be another explanation?
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean we should never judge behavior.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, organizations need standards.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: People need accountability.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: Problems need to be addressed.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, they do.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a difference between saying this behavior is a problem
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: and saying this person is a problem because one describes behavior The other defines
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: a human being.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that difference matters.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because once we decide who someone is, we often start treating them according to that story.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then the person may respond to how we treat them.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: So once again, we can create a cycle.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why slowing down is so important.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: Couple questions for you.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: Who have I judged too quickly?
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_00: What evidence do I actually have?
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: Could there be another explanation?
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: Could my assumptions be affecting how I treat this person?
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_00: Could my judgment be influencing whether someone feels trusted or included?
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: When I look at all these ideas from Wayne Dyer, I don't really see them as workplace advice.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: They are life advice But work is one of the places where our lives become visible.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because we bring ourselves to work.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: We bring our frustrations,
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: our fears,
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: assumptions,
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: our ambitions,
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: insecurities,
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: values, history, strengths, weaknesses, and eventually what's inside comes out.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe the questions we can take away from this episode are quite simple.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: What am I bringing into the room?
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: What comes out of me when I am under pressure?
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: What am I still carrying from the past?
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: Am I trying to solve problems or win arguments?
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_00: What opportunities am I seeing?
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_00: What obstacles am I focusing on?
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: Am I judging too quickly?
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: What music am I keeping inside?
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps the biggest question, what am I capable of giving other people?
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because if Wayne Dyer was right that you can't give what you don't have,
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_00: then maybe creating a better workplace doesn't start with changing everyone else.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: It starts with asking what we bring ourselves.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_00: The trust,
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: the patience,
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_00: the respect, the courage, the responsibility, the willingness to listen.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's where a better workplace begins.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's not with everyone suddenly becoming perfect,
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: but with each of us becoming a little bit more aware of what we bring into the room.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_00: And what comes out of us when life and work puts pressure on us.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because ultimately, a workplace, it's not just about a building or policies or processes.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's about people.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_00: And every person brings something into the room.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: The question I have for you is, what are you bringing?
• 38:41
  [music]