Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Kylie Gave a Keynote!

Transcript

Kylie Gave a Keynote! · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Hello, this is the Happy Family's podcast. There is a
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: charity called Fathers of Only Girls the Fogs Fogs. Fogs, Well,
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: fathers of only Girls the fogs.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: You don't have a capital of a small word.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Like of Oh so it's fogs. So yeah, it's not
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: it's not to fogs or any fogs. You're all right.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: There's a charity out there called Fathers of Other Girls.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: You're just franky because you didn't speak.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: I was speaking somewhere else that day and you got
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: the invite Kylie to speak to how many was it
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: two hundred?
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: And I was about two hundred and seventy men in
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: the seats there.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Two hundred and seventy men in Brisbane Down.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: I shared the stage with Rebecca Sparrow.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Which is always a delight. Yeah, fantastic. So you spoke
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: to two hundred and seventy men at the FOG's.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: Charity Lunch, annual charity lunch.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: And gave a talk that made people cry. People for
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: wonderful And we thought today on a Happy Families podcast
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: rather than doing a usual podcast, even though this was
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: a couple of weeks ago. We had a spot we
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: can slot it in here, and we thought that we
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: would get you to share your talk on the pod
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: so everyone can hear the amazing stuff that you shared
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: and the reason that Rebecca Sparrow gave you five stars.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: So that's coming up next to stay with us. Hello,
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast, Real parenting Solutions every
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: single day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie Colson. And today on the pod, Kylie
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: is going to share her talk from the Fogs Annual Lunch.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: The Fogs, Yeah, the Fathers of Girls Annual Lunch, two
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: hundred and seventy men sitting in a bar in Brisbane
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: listen to missus Happy Families Kylie, as she shared the following.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: It's eight thirty on a Wednesday. One kid is homesick
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: in bed, the others are at school, and my husband
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: should be at work chipping away at a deadline that's
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: already passed you, but instead is here wrapping his arms
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: around me while I push him away. I'm fine, I
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: tell him I don't need your help, but I'm not fine. Now,
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: before we go further, I need to tell you something.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: I'm sure you've worked it out, but I'm not a
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: father of daughters. I'm the wife in this story, the mother.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: But what happened that Wednesday morning changed me, and I
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: believe is one of the most important lessons you can
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: teach your daughters. So stay with me that morning. My husband,
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: he senses the distance growing between us. Emotions are close
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: to the surface, but I haven't actually taken the time
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: to understand how I'm feeling. I know the why his
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: workload is so intense right now, and I feel unimportant.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: I think I feel sad, but I'm learning that that's
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: just the surface stuff, and if I don't dig deep enough,
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: these feelings can eat me alive. So as uncomfortable and
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: foreign as it is for me, I choose to lean in.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: I choose to be held. I choose to get curious,
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: and I choose to share the hard and ugly truth
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: with him, my truth. The truth is I am deeply sad.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: He's my best friend, the one I want to spend
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: every waking moment with, but someone has to pay the bills,
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: and in our relationship it's him. But when I dig deeper,
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: there's still more. I'm mad. No, I'm jealous, jealous of
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: the time he spends in his head in his books,
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: on the screen, jealous of all he gives to others,
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: mad that he loves what he does so much he
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: often bites off more than he can chew, leaving little
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: time for me, and all the while, as I try
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: on these emotions tentatively, like a newly made garment, I'm
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: not sure if it's quite right. As I clumsily try
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: to express how I'm feeling, he just holds me. My
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: back pressed against his chest, enables me to keep sharing,
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: undaunted by what he might see. If our eyes connect,
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: I can feel the steady beat of his heart, and
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: I pause, searching deeper, still wondering if I've reached the
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: bottom of the well. But there's more in his distraction.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: I sometimes feel unseen, and I'm afraid, afraid that, after
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: twenty five years together, in a body that has morphed
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: more times than I can count, that maybe I'm not
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: enough anymore, enough to pique his interest, enough to keep
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: his interest. I search the far reaches of my mind.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: I can sense its presence before I even name it.
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: I'm not sure I want to go there, though it
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: feels all encompassing, dark, heavy, and ugly, But his reassuring
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: presence gives me courage to press on on top of
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: it all. I feel enormous guilt. Guilty that, with all
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: he has on his plate right now, knowing intimately the
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: weight of everything he is carrying, I am adding to
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: his already heavy load. Guilty that what he offers me
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: right now is not enough for me, that I can't
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: rest in all we have shared before, knowing that this
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: is just a small season and time, and there is
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: so much more in store for us to share. Guilty
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: because he has proven in countless ways each and every
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: day we've shared together that I am the love of
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: his life and he would literally move heaven and earth
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: to be by my side. Guilty that I would find
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: fault in his growing desire to make a difference in
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: the world, that I would get in the way of
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: the great work he is doing and helping families find
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: hope in a world that often paints a dismal picture
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: of the realities of family life. Guilty that I am
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: unable to offer him grace for one more day, a
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: small moment in time, because huh, I miss him. The
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: reality is I miss him, I miss us, I miss
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: life as I know it. At this moment, life is
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: a foreign land we have visited before, and I am
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: reminded of all I hate about it, the way it
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: pulls you in and traps you in its wake for days, weeks,
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: months on end, no ability to look to the left
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: or the right, as one has drawn almost against their
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: will by the light at the end of the tunnel.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: But something amazing happens when I speak my truth, not
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: out of anger, not needing him to fix it, but
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: just acknowledging it's all there, spoken out loud. Their presence
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: is no longer overwhelming, their power fading with every passing breath,
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: And as I lay there, entangled in his eyes, I
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: feel as love, soothing, reassuring, and real. The beast of emotion,
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: left untamed and unnamed, can easily swallow us whole. But
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: having the courage to draw it out of the deep
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: crevices of one's mind and shed the light of day
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: on it is like turning the light on and watching
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: the shadows of night that left you cowering as a
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: child under the covers disappear in an instant. In his arms,
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: I feel his love, soothing, reassuring, real, and for the
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: first time since I started sharing, I notice my heart
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: beating in time with his as one as it should be.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: I think back to that day and I can't help
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: but feel in awe of all my husband was in
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: that moment. He could have got on defensive, He could
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: have dismissed my feelings or walked out, but he didn't.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: He recognized that my expressions were just my feelings, not true.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: He understood this had very little to do with him,
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: and everything to do with how I was responding to
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: my world in that moment. When I told him to
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: leave me alone, that I didn't want his help, he
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: chose to wrap his arms around me, and I let him.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: It was a long, slow morning that day, but it
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: changed everything. The deadline was still looming and there was
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: still not enough time for us, but it changed us.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: We reconnected with our truth each and every day. We
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: choose each other and we know that nothing, no problem,
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: no challenge, no big emotion, can ever change one simple truth.
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: We love each other no matter what. That day, cradled
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: in my husband's arms taunt me that my emotions, all
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: of them, the big, the bad, and the ugly, were
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: safe with him. I was safe with him, and after
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: we both came to an understanding of what was really
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: at the heart of all of that, we left stronger
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: for having shared it together. So you ask, what can
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: you do to help your daughters navigate a world of uncertainty,
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: a world that tells them that they're too much, that
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: they're not enough, that they can be anything they want,
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: but just not that. My simple answer is love her, mum.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: I don't pretend to know the nuance of your particular relationship,
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: and for some this may actually seem near impossible. But
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: the safeguard is not in what you say, it's in
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: what you do. She's watching you, even when you think
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: she's self absorbed and uninterested. She's watching. Your daughter is
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: learning what emotional safety looks like by watching the way
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: you treat her mother when she's drowning in her own
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: intoxicating cocktail of emotions, at fifteen, at twenty five, at
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: thirty five. Who taught her that feelings can be expressed
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: and held without fixing or fleeing? You did through your
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: example of holding safe space and place for her mother's
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: big emotions. The fact that you gather together at this
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: time every year tells me there is no one who
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: will ever love her the way you do. No one.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: She is pleash of your flesh, blood, of your blood.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: You would literally give your life for her. You are
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: giving your life for her. But when her day gets
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: overwhelming like mine did that day, who do you want
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: her to talk to? Some boy who thinks he knows
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: how to fix all her problems without any listening skills
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: at all, or her dad, the one man in her
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: life who makes her feel safer and stronger when she's
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: sixteen and overwhelmed, when she's twenty eight and heart broken,
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: when she's forty and lost. Who do you want her
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: to turn to? The Truth is that one day she's
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: going to find her person, her one and only, the
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: love of her life, and you will take a back
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: seat to him or her. That's truth, and that's the
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: way it should be. But you will have also taught
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: her what to look for, someone who holds space for
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: her in all her seasons, who helps her feel safer,
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: and who loves her no matter what. Sometimes, the most
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: effective parenting we will ever do has nothing to do
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: with our children at all, and everything to do with
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: the person we choose to be. Just like my husband
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: did for me that day and for my girls on
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: countless other occasions, be the man who shows her each
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: and every single day through the way you love her mother,
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: that all of her, the big, the bad, and the ugly,
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: make up the glorious human that she is. For all
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: the women in your life, be that man.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: Great stuff, Kyle, great stuff, And thanks for being so
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: nice to me. I didn't realize that I featured so
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: prominently very nice. They loved it. I hear that they
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: thought it was fantastic, and you gave them plenty to
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: think about. There's a great a great sentiment, a great quote.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: I don't know what it is.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: I heard it years and years ago. The most important
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: thing that a man can do for his children is
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: to love their mother. And I feel like you encapsulated
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: that really, really nicely. So if you're a father of
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: other girls and you listen to the poor, get in
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: touch with them, join the organization, make a commitment to
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: support the charity, but also to support your daughter. And
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: if you're not well, hopefully that was fun anyway, Hopefully
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: youve got heaps out of it. I think there's loads
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: of really important content there to help to make your
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: family happier.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: Thanks Son, no worries.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast will be back tomorrow and it's
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Mediamhammits provides research, adamin
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: and other support, and if you would like more and
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: fo about making your family happier, visit us at happy
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: families dot com dot au