Latest / The Karen Kenney Show / BUILT TO LAST

Transcript

BUILT TO LAST · The Karen Kenney Show

0:00
Karen Kenney: It's the Karen Kenney show. Hi. Welcome to the
0:04
Karen Kenney show. I'm super duper happy to be here with you
0:11
today. Oh, my God, you guys. I got a good dose of sunshine
0:15
today. I was out walking my furry kids. That's where I just
0:18
came from. Nothing like moving your body a little bit, getting
0:22
a little blast of vitamin D and spending time with animals, you
0:26
know. So I'm feeling, I'm feeling the after effects that
0:29
of that whole excursion. And today I want to talk to you
0:34
about something that's just been on my mind, you know. So you
0:39
like me, might have some daily or weekly habits or whatever,
0:44
right? So on Saturday mornings I wake up, my sweetie always kind
0:48
of laughs because, you know, he gets up, he just kind of takes
0:51
his time. He takes the dogs out. He like, feeds all the furry
0:55
kids, you know, he does all this stuff and and then he usually,
0:58
like, grabs an instrument, and he's like, on the couch, right?
1:00
I get up on Saturday mornings and I'm like, let's go. Like, I
1:06
get right into action, and it's like, cleaning this vacuuming
1:10
that projects this, right? Like, I just wake up and, like, hit
1:13
the ground running. I think I've kind of always been that way. I
1:18
don't drink coffee, so I'm not somebody who needs, like,
1:21
caffeine to, like, get going. I think I just kind of wake up a
1:25
little, like, just, I always say, Man, any day that I am
1:28
above ground, know that old saying something, I just kind of
1:35
wake up. I do a little DSP, my little daily spiritual practice,
1:38
and then I'm like, let's go. I got got it my back. I got shit
1:41
to do. Let's make it happen, you know. So the reason why I'm
1:46
telling you all that is that I always like part of cleaning is
1:50
that I vacuum. Now I have this vacuum. It's all gonna come
1:56
together in a minute. Stay with me. I have this vacuum. It's an
1:59
auric vacuum. O, ah, E, C, K, I think I've had this vacuum for
2:06
like, almost 25 years, if not more. I might have had it longer
2:10
than 25 years. I was just looking to see if I could find,
2:15
like, the original receipt and like where I got it from. I have
2:19
the original like paperwork for it, meaning, like the manual.
2:23
But I don't have, I don't know if I have the receipt, it might
2:25
have even come with me from California. Like, that's how
2:28
long I've had this thing. But here's the thing about this
2:31
vacuum. Back in the day, when I first got out of college, I went
2:36
to Boston University. I went to BU when I graduated, I had to
2:39
get a job right away. It's a whole, much longer story, but I
2:44
was the concierge at the Hyatt Regency in Cambridge. If you've
2:47
ever been to Boston and you've driven on steroid drive and
2:49
looked across the river, you've seen the building it looks like,
2:52
like a step pyramid, almost, right? That was one of the best
2:56
gigs. I had so much fun. I got some stories. Look, read my
3:01
memoir when that thing comes out, I got some stories, but I
3:04
had so much fun with my coworkers at that gig. There was
3:08
also a couple of unfortunate incidents, but it's also it was
3:13
a really great gig, and I became very friendly with some of the
3:17
housekeeping staff. I was the concierge, so I was like, at the
3:20
front desk, like, dealing with the people and stuff. But, you
3:24
know, I had a lock up, like, just where, like, all the
3:26
housekeepers and stuff did, and I became really friendly with
3:29
them. I also worked part time up in the gym at the Hyatt Regency
3:34
as well, and that was really fun, because there was a pool up
3:37
there and a rooftop deck for sunbathing. It was like, a
3:39
blast. Okay, anyways, we're back. I was just like
3:43
daydreaming a little bit about that. But the housekeepers
3:47
always had these high end, incredible vacuum cleaners. They
3:51
were, like, upright ones, like, so not one like you pulled
3:54
around behind you, right? So they were upright, and they had
3:58
this feature where you could practically lay them like so
4:02
there was a hinge, right? So there's the head of the vacuum
4:04
ran. It's like the thing, right? It's like the thing that spins
4:07
and the brush that pulls all the dirt back into the suction spot,
4:13
right? But the bag itself, like had a handle, and you could
4:16
literally lay that sucker flat so you could get underneath the
4:20
furniture, in the beds, even if they were low to the ground. And
4:24
I always said to myself, someday, I'm gonna get myself
4:28
one of those fancy schmancy vacuums. Okay, so the day came
4:34
when I could afford to get one. Now, those suckers weren't
4:37
cheap. I think at the time when I bought it, maybe it was like
4:40
200 bucks, I don't remember, but I remember thinking to myself, I
4:44
did my research, right? And I was like, I'm gonna get a good
4:48
vacuum. I got this vacuum, you guys. It is still running
4:53
fantastically to this day. Now, of course, I changed the bags,
4:58
right? I have had. There's, like a local, I think it's in
5:01
Manchester. There's an orc vacuum cleaner specialist
5:05
people, and I've brought it there twice, once to replace the
5:09
wheels, once to replace the belt. But, like, this sucker is
5:16
built to last, okay? And I have a few things in my life that are
5:21
made that way. I refrigerate. I was just saying My sweetie the
5:25
other day. We have almost lived in this house, let's see. It'll
5:29
be almost 19 years, and we got that fridge like when we moved
5:35
in, and I said to my sweetie just the other day, and I know
5:38
some people freak out. They're like, don't say it, don't jinx
5:41
it. But like, and I'll knock on wood for good measure. But I
5:45
open that the doors up the other day, and I'm like, Look, my
5:47
fridge isn't fancy. It doesn't, you know, it's like a split it
5:51
opens up. One side is a freezer. One size the fridge, it doesn't
5:54
make ice cubes. I don't need it to. I don't want a fridge that
5:57
makes ice cubes. I don't like the way ice cubes taste from the
6:00
fridge, right? I mean, like, you know when the cycle thing? I
6:03
don't need the fridge to, like, do like, to know my schedule, or
6:07
to have social media with all the screens, like, I don't know
6:10
what's going on with all that new shit that they're building.
6:13
But this fridge, I've had it for almost 20 years, and it's still
6:18
running like a champion built to last. Okay, my car, my car. I'm
6:24
still driving like a 2010 Toyota, rav4, I've only ever
6:30
owned Toyotas. I've had four Toyotas. That's all I've ever
6:34
owned. People American made, like Ford, GMC, like Bucha.
6:40
Don't come for me, okay? I'm a loyal Toyota person, right? My
6:45
my Toyotas have gone for hundreds and 1000s of miles. My
6:49
forerunner, before I gave it like I traded it like I sold it
6:53
to somebody, was like, at 250,000 miles. My current one,
6:57
my rav4 is at like, 168 or something like that, built to
7:03
last. Okay, there's a reason why I'm talking about this.
7:06
Hopefully you have some good things in your life that are
7:11
also built to last. We have become a fast a fast society, a
7:18
fast culture, right? We want fast food. Well, I don't want
7:22
fast food. I mean, once in a while, right? Once in a while,
7:25
if you're out and you want a snack, maybe, but like, you
7:29
know, but even then I'm eating vegan fast food, but like, fast
7:32
food, fast fashion, fast friendships, fast I can't say
7:38
that F word, right? All the dating apps, fast effing you
7:41
know what I'm saying? Everybody just wants the like, let's go.
7:45
Let's go. Fast, easy, cheap.
7:49
I don't know. I'm a Generation X kid. I kind of like to buy
7:56
things and invest in things that are going to stand the test of
8:01
time, and that is just not the way that most of the world is
8:07
working these days. So for me, when I think about like, if we
8:13
want to stand out, and whether that's in our personal
8:16
relationships or in our business and our business relationships,
8:20
we want to kind of come from that place where we are building
8:24
things that last. And I often talk to, you know, like my my
8:29
mentoring clients, the one to one clients, but also the people
8:33
in the nest. And I say to them, you guys, all the stuff that I'm
8:37
sharing here, anything that I share or teach or a resource or
8:41
whatever. What I'm trying to do is to pass on skills that are
8:47
going to last you for the rest of your life. This is not like a
8:52
quick, you know, get well, I don't teach on I was gonna say
8:56
get rich quick scheme like, but that's not my vibe. Anyways. I'm
9:00
really trying to help people gather resources, tools,
9:04
practices, things that are going to change their life in the now,
9:08
but also continue to be applicable, relatable, tangible,
9:12
practical, usable for the rest of their lives. I like to create
9:17
and build shit that's going to last, and I want you to just
9:21
think about this, because one of the most important things like
9:25
that that we want to build to last is our friendships, is our
9:32
relationships, and again, whether those are personal or
9:35
professional. So I wanted to have a talk with you while this
9:38
has been on my mind, because when I was out on the walk
9:41
today, I was thinking about like, you know, what are the
9:43
things in our life that we really want to have, like, be
9:47
built to last for for them to stand the test of time? Like,
9:51
what are some of the qualities that we need in our friendships,
9:55
in our relationships? Because, unless you're building a.
10:00
Program, like a product, like a physical product, right? Like,
10:03
that's a whole other thing. I can't really talk about that in
10:07
terms of, like, just use good quality materials. You know
10:10
what? I mean? Like everything, and we look at, and I'm going
10:13
off on a slight tangent here for a second. But when you look at
10:17
the state of the environment in the world, and how much trash,
10:20
how much stuff, how much shit, gets thrown into our landfills.
10:25
We are poisoning the oceans. We are poisoning the land. Because
10:29
everybody just wants shit fast and cheap, and they don't care
10:32
how they get it. They don't wear care how it's getting to you.
10:35
They don't care what they're doing, it with it, when, when
10:38
it's done, you know? And there are times like here where we
10:41
live, we have to take our trash, our own trash, to the dump. And,
10:46
you know, my sweetie and I, we try to be really mindful. Of
10:49
course, we recycle, but every time we I have to put, like a
10:54
trash bag, like a full trash bag, into the trash cans
10:57
outside. You know they're getting ready to eventually, on
11:00
trash day, we take him to the dump. Like, it pains me. It
11:03
pains me. And I like, I'm like, we're just like, two people and
11:07
some furry kids. Like, I can't even imagine with big families
11:11
with children and disposable diapers and on and on and on. I
11:14
just think like, oh my god. Like, the amount of trash. Oh,
11:20
I'm like, pulling at my face, if you're not watching this right
11:25
now. So here's my whole point. I would rather buy something Well,
11:30
for a decent for a good price, like really invest in something
11:33
and keep it out of the landfill, because that sucker continues to
11:36
run. And I think that analogy can be applied to our
11:41
relationships, and that's what I want to talk about. Of course,
11:45
I'm always interested in hearing from people. So if you got any
11:49
good stories about, like, my grandfather had this one saw
11:53
like, I think about my uncle, who has all these tools, and
11:55
he's had these tools for like, over 3040, years. You know what
11:59
I mean as a carpenter. And I just think it's really cool. I
12:02
think about the instruments, like, musicians like my sweetie,
12:05
where these instruments that were, like, built to last, like,
12:08
there's a reason why, like, a 65 like fender, you know, amp is
12:12
like, that's the one, right, the fender, reverb, or whatever.
12:15
There's a reason why that gold, that Les Paul gold top, is
12:19
worth, like, $250,000 whatever, you know. So things are built to
12:23
last, things that stick around for a long time. And I'm
12:26
guessing that most of us, if we are in relationships, we want
12:31
those friendships, we want those familial relationships or
12:36
business relationships or whatever, to last a long time.
12:40
So let's talk about this, right? Let's talk about this. So this
12:44
could be a friendship, this could be a marriage. This could
12:47
be a relationship between you and your customers, you and your
12:51
clients, whatever it is. So, but we can speak, you know, because
12:56
I think all of these things, I mean, not all of them, not the
12:59
one where, you know, when we're talking about necessarily like
13:02
intimacy, if we're talking physical intimacy like you
13:05
don't, you don't want to be having that, necessarily, with
13:08
your clients, unless maybe you're, you know, a sex worker.
13:12
But let's look at some of the things I wrote. I wrote a list
13:14
of myself of some of the things, and I'm sharing these because I
13:19
think I work with enough people, right? I work with enough
13:22
people, and I just know enough people to know that there are a
13:26
lot of people who are maybe not that happy in their current
13:29
relationships or the state of their relationships, and there's
13:32
some things that they wish that could be maybe different or
13:36
better or more deep, or whatever. And I think it's good
13:41
once in a while. You know, I I've often told you guys before
13:45
on the podcast, when, when it's my sweetie and I's anniversary,
13:48
we always say to each other, do you want to renew the contract?
13:53
Right? So each year we say, Do you want to renew the contract?
13:55
And then we ask each other, and I posted about this publicly,
13:58
and he knows, and he's fine with it. And then I also my sweetie,
14:01
and then I all we also say, Are there any amendments that you
14:04
want to make to the contract, you know that fine print, right?
14:06
Are there any things like, anything you want to change,
14:09
anything you want to update, anything you want to add, like
14:11
whatever, you know, and I think it's important that we check in
14:14
with each other, but here's some C's for you. These c's are kind
14:18
of important, right? So we want this consistency. We want
14:23
consistency of effort in our relationships, meaning we don't
14:27
want people who just kind of like, you know, give up, drag
14:31
ass, roll their eyes, don't participate, check out, right?
14:34
That's a C. We don't want people checking out. What we do want is
14:38
checking in. Okay? We want to be able to be checking in with one
14:43
another. Okay. We want that consistent effort, like meaning
14:49
that, showing that this relationship actually matters to
14:52
you, that you're putting a little energy and a little
14:54
effort towards this sucker, right, that you're not again,
14:58
just like taking everybody around. You for granted, like
15:02
they're always going to be there. Okay, so this consistent
15:05
effort, we also want clear communication. Oh, my God, so
15:10
often, especially if you've been friends with somebody for a long
15:13
time, or you've been a sibling for a long time, or you've been
15:16
married or a patented or whatever, right? We have a
15:20
tendency to just want other people to be mind readers. We
15:24
just think like, well, they know me. They should know this. Oh,
15:27
those shoulds will bite you in the ass every time, right? So
15:31
clear communication, open and honest. Don't expect people to
15:36
know like the you have this expectation. I always, I always
15:39
say expectations of premeditated resentments, right? So just
15:43
don't just just clear communication if you want
15:47
something, say it. If you don't want something, say it, you want
15:51
more or less of something, communicate it. And I find it so
15:56
fascinating you know that the people that you have chosen to
16:01
partner with and say, like, hey, let's get on the same team here,
16:05
right? Like, let's be a partnership. Let's get whether
16:08
you're hitched or married or living together or sleeping
16:10
together for 20 years, sharing a hot whatever the deal is. You
16:14
know, I'm like, people say, Well, I can't talk to them about
16:18
that. I'm like, wait a minute. You've been sharing a bed with
16:20
this person for 20 years, you've seen each other like naked, at
16:25
your best, at your worst, sick, healthy, you like you've been
16:30
through the gamut together. And yet we do this thing where we're
16:34
like, they can't handle the truth, or we write these stories
16:38
about people and on top of, like, doing that whole
16:41
expectation, like, they should know this already or whatever,
16:45
we also withhold really important information. And I'm
16:48
like, wait, what? What part of clear communication, like, did
16:52
you miss on this whole thing? Right? So there's this thing
16:56
about being able to, you know, have that connection, that
17:02
comfortable connection, where you can be human in front of
17:06
that other person. You know, it's so interesting. Like, I
17:09
know people who have been like, Oh, I've never, like, farted in
17:11
front of my partner. I've never like, you know, I'm always like,
17:14
no, like, private bathroom. Like, you know, you can't come
17:18
in while I'm peeing, like, whatever. And look, every
17:20
household has their own thing. I get it, but I'm thinking to
17:25
myself, if you're sharing a home or a house with somebody for a
17:28
wicked long time, inevitably, all the stuff that the body does
17:32
is gonna it's gonna be exposed, right? You know what I'm saying?
17:36
So this is idea of like, How comfortable are you creating
17:41
comfort around each other, where there's space for you to be who
17:44
you really are, like it doesn't have to be a performance. You
17:47
don't have to be perfect. You get to have your, you know, your
17:50
shared humanity, okay? Speaking of sharing, we also want another
17:54
C, this shared commitment, right? A commitment to the
18:00
relationship, and also a commitment to growth that it's
18:06
not just gonna get like, oh, you know, it's interesting. An older
18:11
gentleman once said to me, I thought this was really
18:14
interesting. I am not saying across the board that this is
18:17
100% true. I'm just sharing what this gentleman said to me, and
18:21
it made me think about it, and I've thought about it many times
18:23
over the years. He says Men often get married, right? And
18:27
again, this, this could be same, these different in same sex
18:30
couples,
18:32
but he said men tend to get married and they say, Oh, I hope
18:37
she never changes. You know, like they meet their high school
18:40
sweetheart, whatever, and they're like, Oh, this is the
18:42
girl from me, and I hope she never changes. Where a lot of
18:46
times women will marry men, and they think that's okay. He'll
18:49
change once he's with me. Yeah, he's got that annoying habit, or
18:52
he's not, he's not that talkative. He doesn't talk about
18:54
his feelings that much, but he'll change once he's with me.
18:57
And I thought, Oh, interesting. So I'm not going to tell you how
19:00
to feel about that, but I like to just share these things, and
19:03
maybe you can think on it, think on it, and then tell me what you
19:07
think about that. Okay, so the other C, we also want
19:12
connection, which means we gotta spend some time together, right?
19:16
We gotta communicate, clearly, communicate your wants, your
19:19
needs, the desires, and then connect, spend some time
19:22
together. It's so important, right? If you're always just off
19:27
doing your own thing all the time, and you never have that
19:31
field where you cross, where there's that moment of like,
19:35
where you're actually interested in what the other person is up
19:40
to right those little check ins at the end of the day, you know,
19:44
before after you put the kids to bed, or before you go to sleep
19:47
or whatever. Like, you know, just like check in with each
19:50
other throughout the day once in a while, not saying you have to
19:53
constantly be texting each other and calling each other or
19:56
whatever, you know, that's not for everybody, but at least.
20:00
Have that moment where you feel like you've kind of plugged in,
20:03
and you've connected a little bit, okay, be willing. Here's
20:07
another big C like you got to be willing to compromise. You've
20:11
got to be willing to compromise, right? It's not always going to
20:15
be your way of the highway, and it's a really beautiful and
20:19
humbling thing. Now, I'm not saying you should compromise on
20:22
wicked, important values that you hold. Like, I'm not saying
20:25
you should give up your own identity and, you know, and and
20:29
all of a sudden, like, you know, whatever. Like, I'm not saying
20:33
that, but compromise on the things that don't really matter.
20:37
Like, just Jesus, if they want to watch a particular movie.
20:40
Just watch it, and likewise, like vice versa, right? This is
20:45
true for all family members, too, by the way, all of these, I
20:48
think, and then, oh my god, here's another one,
20:53
constructive, constructive, conflict resolution, fight fair,
21:00
if you're going to fight, like, if you're going to discuss, if
21:04
you're going to bring up a sensitive subject, let's not
21:07
resort to name calling. I have just been like, that was one of
21:12
the things that my sweetie and I, you know, I've been in many
21:16
relationships where I have been called some names. I have
21:21
probably done my own fair share of name calling myself, or
21:26
certainly I might not have done name calling so much. Mine would
21:32
be more to like, maybe raise my voice and swear and get angry.
21:36
But I don't know. I don't remember. I'm sure somebody out
21:40
there is rolling there, somebody else that could be rolling their
21:43
eyes right now and being like, really, I seem to remember, and
21:46
maybe I don't remember being necessarily a super big name
21:51
call us so much as but I would definitely be like, Buck you, or
21:55
like, whatever, right? So when I got together with my speedy, I
21:58
was like, yeah, no, I don't want to do this the way that I've
22:01
done other things. Like, I really want to be committed to,
22:04
like, basically, and we'll get into what I'm about to say,
22:07
like, for these next things, but let's, let's go over these,
22:11
right? So, so far, consistent effort, clear communication,
22:15
right? We want open and honest communication. We want to be
22:20
able to really, you know, be seen and be heard in our
22:24
relationships. And so we've gotta, we've gotta be willing to
22:28
be vulnerable in that communication and open up and
22:31
talk about our feelings, etc. Okay, we want to have a shared
22:34
commitment to the relationship and a shared commitment to
22:37
growth that you're both on a path of wanting to evolve,
22:43
right? Not keep each other in a box of like when we got married,
22:46
this is who you were. Well, when we set it up, this is who you
22:49
were. It's like Jesus. We want to evolve, don't we, don't we
22:53
want to grow and keep getting to know ourselves and know each
22:56
other and remember who we truly are. Okay. We want to have
22:59
connection. We want to be able to compromise and we want to
23:02
have constructive, constructive conflict resolution. But what is
23:07
some of the other things that make things be more built to
23:12
last right, to stand the test of time, to evolve and grow over
23:18
the years? And I want to say, I want to hit pause for to put in
23:22
a little caveat here. I'm not a person right, who believes like
23:28
I wasn't necessarily hell bent on getting married in this
23:31
lifetime. It happened to happen. It happened later in my like it
23:35
happened in my 40s. You know what I mean. But, and while I
23:39
believe that a union like of marriage can be a beautiful and
23:44
powerful thing. I don't always think it's necessary, and I also
23:48
don't think that people should just stayed married forever,
23:52
especially if they're both miserable, and they're making
23:54
everybody else around them miserable, including their
23:56
children, by staying in a marriage when they clearly don't
24:00
want to be around one another each anymore, you know what I
24:03
mean. So I'm not talking about building it to last and just
24:06
sucking it up and stuffing it down and staying with somebody
24:08
who's verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually
24:11
abusive. I do not believe in that, you know. So I just want
24:14
to say that there's a reason why I don't think that everybody
24:17
should just run and get a divorce as soon as things are
24:20
had. I think there's a reason why there's counselors and
24:23
couple therapy and people you can talk to and working some
24:27
shit out. And I've also been around long enough to see that
24:31
when people get people experience unhappiness or
24:35
whatever in a relationship, we can be pretty quick to think
24:40
it's the other person that they're the problem, when really
24:44
that's when we need to take a look in the mirror. Take a look
24:46
in the soul mirror, as I say, and get honest. Get honest with
24:49
yourself about take a fearless moral inventory, as they say in
24:52
12 step programs, right? Take a look at yourself and a lot of
24:57
times our own dissatisfied. Action of self, with who we are,
25:01
what we're doing or not doing, whatever we can. Take that kind
25:07
of malaise, that general like and we blame it on other people.
25:12
I'm not saying your partner isn't part of the problem, but a
25:15
lot of times, Hello, I'm the problem. It's me as as what is
25:19
it? Taylor Swift, that that's her song. Okay, so here are some
25:22
of the other things, right? So just to wrap that up in a little
25:26
bow, I don't think you should stay in something that you're
25:28
miserable in. So I'm not saying that all relationships should be
25:31
built to last. I think some people are going to come in and
25:34
out of our lives for different reasons, different seasons, etc.
25:38
Okay, here's some other things, and I'm kind of sharing these is
25:42
like a little checklist for you. If you are somebody who's in a
25:46
relationship, or if you're somebody who wants to get into a
25:49
relationship, here are some things you might want to be
25:52
aware of. And I'm not a, I'm not a hashtag relationship, you
25:56
know, therapist, or anything like that, but I'm in the
26:00
business of people, and I've been in enough relationships,
26:03
right to know that these are some things that help, like
26:06
human behavior, these are some things that are going to help.
26:10
Is there trust? Do you trust your your friend? Do you trust
26:15
your sibling? Do you trust your family members? Do you trust
26:18
your partner, the person that you live with that you share
26:22
your life with, you know what I mean? That's kind of important.
26:26
Without trust, how are you going to you're always going to be
26:28
holding your cards close to your chest. You're going to have your
26:31
dukes up. You're not going to be willing to be vulnerable if
26:34
there's no trust, you're not going to be willing to be
26:36
honest, to be seen, if there's no trust to share yourself,
26:40
right to open yourself up, emotionally, mentally,
26:43
spiritually, physically, if there's no trust, it's not going
26:46
to happen. Is there mutual respect? This is such a big one.
26:52
You know, I'm just not interested in being in
26:55
relationships with people who don't have, like, basic respect
26:58
for me. You know what I mean, if you don't like me, if you don't
27:01
want me around, if you think I'm an idiot, if you just have no
27:04
interest in being like, kind to me. Like, I don't, I don't know.
27:08
I'm all sad. Like, take it somewhere else, right? I'm like,
27:12
I'm almost 57 I only got so many summers left, so many years
27:16
left. I want to be around people that want to be around me, and
27:19
I'm going to talk to me like, I'm a fucking asshole. You know
27:21
what I'm saying? So, like, yeah, no. Like, not interested in
27:24
being around the jerks, not saying I cannot work on
27:29
relationships with difficult people. I don't think we should
27:32
just run away from everybody that we find a little
27:34
challenging, right? There's something, there's something
27:37
like, there's some good spiritual like, I'm, like,
27:41
kneading my hands, like I'm making bread, like I'm kneading
27:43
dough, right? This there can be something good about spending
27:47
time sometimes. Now I'm not talking about people who harm
27:50
you or distress you. I'm just saying, like, we don't always
27:54
have to agree with everybody all the time in order to have a
27:58
relationship with them. Okay? So trust, mutual respect,
28:02
reliability. Don't we all want to have, like, first of all, be
28:07
a person that's reliable, but also have other people that
28:11
we're in close relationship to to have that kind of
28:13
reliability. Oh, my God, when people are responsible, man,
28:19
does that just take my nervous system, like right down to a
28:22
much more regulated place when I don't have to do mental
28:26
gymnastics, worrying and wondering, are they going to
28:29
keep their word, and even if they break their word, it's
28:33
probably going to be for a reason that they couldn't avoid.
28:36
Like reliability, to me, is like sexy people who show up, people
28:40
who are there for you, people who keep their word, people who
28:43
don't just say they're a friend. I'm doing air quotes, they
28:46
actually act like a friend. They show up like a friend. You know
28:50
what I'm saying. So yeah, that's good. Here's another thing, time
28:55
together. Spending time together is really important. I know a
29:00
lot of people do like long distance relationships, I find
29:04
that most people don't do them well, right? They don't usually
29:07
survive. So time together, and sometimes that time together for
29:13
periods of time of travel or whatever. It might have to be
29:15
over zoom or FaceTime or whatever. But finding that time
29:18
to have connection and intimacy and to connect is really
29:22
important.
29:24
Appreciation and gratitude. This is another way that you build
29:29
especially in business relationships too. If your
29:34
clients feel like you really appreciate them, this is how you
29:38
can build that loyalty in relationships is that you're
29:41
somebody who has their trust, has their respect. You are
29:44
reliable, that they've spent some time with you, getting to
29:48
know your business, your brand, whatever, and that they know
29:51
that there's like that mutual appreciation and gratitude,
29:57
those things can get out of balance. You know, there can be
29:59
time. Times when you feel like, taken for granted, and you're
30:02
like, there's not really a lot of appreciation and gratitude
30:04
happening right now and granted. There's going to be seasons,
30:08
right? There's going to be times in each person's life where
30:10
maybe somebody's grieving, or somebody just had a baby, or
30:13
somebody just is going through a thing right there. They're
30:16
having some, you know, they're dealing with their mental
30:19
health, whatever, like, not everybody's gonna be on point
30:21
100% of the time, but most of the time, right? If we can be
30:26
expressing not just like keeping it in your head, right? Express
30:32
your gratitude. Send a card. Send a thank you note. Call them
30:37
on the phone, let them hear your voice, right? Send something
30:40
snail mail like surprise them. Appreciation and gratitude, man,
30:45
goes a really long way. Say thank you. Say you're welcome.
30:49
Notice the everyday little things and comment on it. Hey, I
30:53
noticed that you brought the trash bins back in blah, blah,
30:56
blah from the end of the driveway, right? Hey, thank you
30:59
for feeding the kids. I always said I get up in the morning say
31:01
to my sweetie, thanks for doing the dishes. Doing the dishes,
31:03
thanks for doing this right. Because I want him to know that
31:06
I see what he does. And same thing for here, he'll say to me,
31:09
thanks for going grocery shopping, thanks for doing this
31:12
right. Because I don't ever want him to feel taken for granted,
31:17
and I certainly don't like feeling that way either. So I'm
31:20
this is just like, again, this is just my list. And look, I
31:23
could put probably another 25 things on this list, but let's
31:26
not, let's not do overkill. We only have so much time. Here's
31:29
another thing that's really important. If you want to build
31:31
shit that lasts, we got to have some self awareness, man. We've
31:35
got to have some emotional awareness, and we need to have
31:39
some emotional intelligence, and we really need to have some
31:43
empathy for one another. If you don't know what you're feeling,
31:47
and you don't know how to express your feelings, and you
31:50
have no idea if you are just like, shut off emotionally. This
31:54
is one of the biggest things that I hear. You know, women
31:58
complain about with their male partners is that you know he
32:03
doesn't even know how he feels. He's not in touch with his
32:05
emotions. But here's the flip side of that, too, ladies,
32:10
women, people, if you want somebody to have their feelings,
32:14
and they're allowed to have all of their feelings so you can't,
32:16
then shame men for crying. I think this is such a fascinating
32:20
thing about the difference between how women are raised, or
32:22
girls are raised and boys are raised, or children are raised
32:25
in our culture, where we do everything, like pink, blue,
32:28
like we try to separate, I'm like humans, humans, humans,
32:32
humans, which means feelings, feelings, which means it's not
32:35
like women only got feelings and men Didn't emotions. The
32:39
chemical cocktails in our brain exists in both our brains. I'm
32:44
not saying things might not be slightly different. Men are just
32:49
as sensitive. Most men are just as sensitive and feel as deeply.
32:52
They just either got it yelled out of them, beat out of them,
32:55
shamed out of them, blamed out when they were kids. So women
33:00
don't get weird around like, let your man be human. Let him have
33:04
you know, have empathy for the full spectrum of the rainbow of
33:09
human emotions, right? Like all parts of you are welcome here.
33:13
Okay, not that, not the abusive pots. We're not fans of that
33:16
pot. But you know what I'm saying? Okay, have your own
33:19
emotional awareness. Have some empathy from one another. Okay?
33:24
Oh, my God. Individual growth, so important, so important.
33:29
Please. Don't like get together in 1970 and then nobody. Read a
33:34
book, for the love of Jesus Christ, read some books. Read
33:38
some books. Read them together. Take some classes. Take a
33:42
course. Expand your mind. Get a new hobby, like Grow. Grow.
33:48
Don't become a stagnant pool, like, where mosquitoes and all
33:52
the bugs gather. You know what I'm saying? Like, no, like,
33:55
expand. I'm doing this thing, like, from my hat, like my hat,
33:58
like a big circle. Like, expand. Big circle. Expand yourself.
34:03
Open your mind. Keep your mind open. Keep your heart open, keep
34:08
your ears open. Right, which leads me to this right is open
34:16
eyes open hot. Open mind open, which is we want to be really
34:23
good listeners. Pay attention. Pay attention. Paying attention
34:31
is one of the greatest ways that we show love. I am interested in
34:35
what you have to say, and it's there's a difference between
34:37
really listening and really hearing. You know what I mean?
34:42
Like, not just like, Oh, I hear the words coming out of your
34:44
mouth, but I'm not paying attention, right? Put down on
34:47
your damn phone. If you're sweetie or your partner or your
34:49
kid or somebody that matters to you is trying to talk to you,
34:53
take a moment. Flip that sucker down. Pay attention. Here's
34:57
another thing that I do sometimes, right? We're all. All
35:00
in the habit of it. Somebody's in the other room. You can't see
35:03
them. You just walk in and you're already talking, and you
35:06
go in and you see they're doing something, right? So we all do
35:09
it to each other. So my sweetie and I have often said, you know,
35:13
to each other, just give me a minute, like, if I'm mid
35:15
thought, or mid if I'm writing some I don't want to forget what
35:18
I was doing. And I'll just say to him, I mean, obviously, if
35:20
it's an emergency, I'll put my phone down, but sometimes I'll
35:23
just say, just give me one second, because I want to be
35:26
able to give you my full attention. I don't want to half
35:31
ass it. Now, look, we're not perfect. We don't always get it
35:33
right. I'm deaf as a haddock. I can't hear him most of the time,
35:37
right, so he speaks. His his tone of voice is just like,
35:42
like, really, sometimes hard for my ears to catch. He and I have
35:46
talked about this, like, ad nauseam, right? He's like, I say
35:49
patience of a saint when it comes to repeating himself
35:52
around me. But it just shows like, like, really try to listen
35:57
and be present, right? Like, pay attention. So, like, shut your
36:01
mouth. That's why I was laughing. I was like, open ears,
36:03
open heart, open mind, right? But shut your mouth once in a
36:08
while, and really listen to your partner. This can be wicked
36:12
helpful in starting to help build things that last. Because,
36:16
you know, women will often say he doesn't hear me, he doesn't
36:19
get me. It's another way of saying he doesn't get me,
36:21
doesn't understand me, right? And we want to be heard, all of
36:26
us do? We want to be heard. We want to know that we matter
36:30
again. That goes back to appreciation and gratitude, like
36:32
let people know I see you, I get you, I understand you, I feel
36:38
you, or even if I don't, because I haven't been in that exact
36:42
position. I wish I did. I wish I could, but I'm still here for
36:46
you. You know what I'm saying? Okay, individual growth, yes,
36:50
but shared goal, like, shared goals, you got to know you're on
36:55
the same team. If one of you is like, no, I really want to save
36:59
because I want to pay off the mortgage earlier, like, get this
37:02
thing paid off, and the other one's like, Copacabana, let's go
37:05
drink and booze and potty and travel and save nothing, right?
37:09
It's like, that is not gonna work. You guys gotta have some
37:12
shared goals, yo. You know what I'm saying. And definitely some
37:17
check ins. I already said this a connection. You want to do these
37:20
check ins. But here's a little tip. Here's a little something
37:23
I've learned over the years. Okay, everybody's different. My
37:26
sweetie and I can sit down and talk ad nauseum with each other
37:30
over the kitchen table about things, right? But not everybody
37:35
can, so some people do better expressing what's going on
37:42
inside of them by being in motion. For some people that's
37:46
taking a drive, for some people that's taking a walk, right? Get
37:51
to know what works for your Patna, some people like to be in
37:56
motion. It does something to the brain, right? It helps them to
38:00
do. We already know that walking helps with creativity, creative
38:03
thinking, blah, blah. But you know, don't always insist that
38:07
the important conversations, like I know so many parents who
38:12
say to me,
38:15
I talk to my kid when he's in the car with me, when he's
38:17
trapped, like on the way to school, or like taking them
38:21
clothes shop or whatever the thing they like, trap their kids
38:23
in the car and try to force their kids to talk to I think
38:26
it's so funny. Oh my god, so But find out. Find out when you and
38:31
your sweetie, you and your partner, you and your bestie,
38:34
you and your family members, right, do their best connecting
38:38
and talking and don't always assist like somebody might be
38:41
like, Can we take a walk in the woods, or can we blah, blah,
38:44
blah, whatever the thing is right, and see what works for
38:48
them. And like I said, I could go on and on and on and on, but
38:53
it was really just looking at these items, these things that I
38:56
had right, my fridge, my car, my vacuum. And I was like, Man,
39:00
these suckers are built to last. And then I started to think, is
39:03
there anything else in our life right now that's really built to
39:06
last? I'm like, so much is like again, fast fashion, fast food,
39:09
fast fast communication, fast everything. Everything is just
39:13
like, move, move, move. I said, Yeah, you know what? Like
39:17
relationships can be really built to last, if we're willing
39:22
to pour into them, if we're willing to slow down and take a
39:27
look at these things, right? So ask yourself just kind of go
39:31
through this. Have I been showing consistent effort in my
39:34
relationship? Have I been commuting, communicating clearly
39:37
with my clients, with my customers, with my sweet hat,
39:40
with my best friend, whoever with my siblings, right, my
39:43
parents or whatever your thing is, right? Is there a shared
39:47
commitment here? Are we both still committed to making this
39:50
relationship, whatever kind of relationship it is, work, right?
39:55
Are we committed to growing together? Side by side on the
40:01
same team, right? Are we still putting an effort to stay
40:05
connected, right? Are we willing to compromise? Do we know how to
40:11
constructively have conflict, right, without like flinging
40:14
like names at each other and being unkind and then doing the
40:18
silent treatment, or somebody slamming the door and walking
40:21
out. Do you know how many adults, I always think of it
40:25
like this, adult children, because so many adults, we're
40:28
really just little kids in big bodies. So many adults have
40:33
abandonment issues. So let me say this, if you are somebody
40:38
who insists on being a door Slammer in a leva when you're
40:42
fighting with somebody. Do you know what would like really be
40:46
helpful is if you, first of all learned maybe a better way than
40:51
that. But also, if you are going to leave like you just need to
40:56
go outside and take a walk so you don't say something you're
40:59
gonna regret. Tell your partner, I'm going to go outside. I just
41:03
need to get some fresh air. I need to clear my head. I need to
41:05
take a walk. I don't want to say anything I'm going to regret or
41:08
anything unkind, but I'll be back. I'm coming back. I want
41:13
you to know I'm coming back to talk to you that can make a
41:16
really big difference. Okay, and then ask yourself, about these
41:20
suckers too. Do we have a shared trust here? Do I trust this
41:25
person? Do they trust me? Have I been trustworthy? Hmm, have they
41:31
been trustworthy, right? Is there mutual respect between us?
41:35
Does it flow both ways? Are we reliable with one one another.
41:40
Are we responsible? Do we keep our word to each other? Do we do
41:43
our best to not break promises, right? Do we spend time
41:47
together? Is there a true connection? Is there verbal
41:50
intimacy, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy? No, you're
41:53
not always going to have but physical intimacy doesn't always
41:56
have to be sex, right? It could be like, are we affectionate
41:58
with one another? Do we show our love? Do we hug each other? Do
42:01
we say, I love you? Do we kiss each other goodbye on the cheek,
42:04
the mouth, whatever the thing is, right? Is there appreciation
42:08
and gratitude? Do you take the time to say thank you? You're
42:12
welcome. I appreciate that. I saw you. I'm grateful for you
42:15
every day, whatever emotional awareness and empathy, do you
42:20
have emotional intelligence? Do you know what you're feeling? Do
42:23
you understand what's going on inside of you? Do you know why
42:27
you do what you do? Think, what you think, say, what you say,
42:29
believe, what you believe. You got to know yourself, right? You
42:32
got to have some emotional awareness, individual growth,
42:36
shared goals, check ins, and then hear the compromise. We
42:39
cannot forget compromise. Are you willing to compromise? Maybe
42:42
I already said that, and then here's another wicked, big one,
42:47
forgiveness. Are you willing to forgive one another for the
42:52
times when you are inevitably going to be clumsy, you are
42:57
going to be clumsy, you are going to flub it up, you are
43:00
going to trespass you. We're going to step on toes. You're
43:02
going to, like, interrupt them when there's, like, there's 1001
43:07
ways where we can be really annoying as human beings, and
43:11
we're trying to, like, build a life with somebody, and we have
43:15
to put up with each other's nuances and quirks and habits
43:18
and patterns and bullshit. So forgiveness, we have to learn
43:23
how to forgive ourselves and forgive one another. And I'm not
43:28
telling people that you need to forgive like awful, big things.
43:31
That's not for me to say, but just the day to day stuff. Can
43:35
we just fucking give each other a pass once in a while? Can we
43:38
just let some things slide once in a while, right? And if
43:41
something is really, really, really bothering you figure out
43:45
what it is about. The thing, the behavior, the pattern, he leaves
43:49
the toilet seat up. She leaves, she leaves her wet towel on the
43:52
floor, whatever, right? Whatever. The thing is, you
43:55
know, figure out why it's really bothering you, and then
43:58
communicate clearly, go back up to those C's and like, you know,
44:02
because we want, we want these things to last. So I hope this
44:07
has been helpful in some way. And again, I want to reiterate,
44:11
not all relationships are going to last right? In A Course in
44:13
Miracles, we talk about it like the three levels of teaching,
44:16
there are some relationships that are going to be like, bing,
44:19
bang, boom. They last for 30 seconds. Literally, I see you in
44:21
an elevator. We smile, we say, hi, burp. Opportunity for
44:25
connection. Beautiful. It happened right next level up is
44:28
like when we spend some time together. Maybe we went to grade
44:31
school together. Maybe we were friends, like, you know, for
44:34
like, three months at summer camp. Maybe we went to, like,
44:37
whatever, right, some relationships people come in.
44:40
You date them for a year. It's over. But time served. Like
44:43
there was a meaning, there's there was a reason why you guys
44:46
met, and then you kind, I'm kind of doing this helix thing where
44:49
I'm making my hands swim, like in this line where you're going
44:52
to come in and then you're going to go back out and, like, that's
44:54
it. And then the third level of teaching, and this is kind of
44:57
what I'm talking about today, where we. Commit to a person we
45:01
commit to a relationship, and whether that's in a family. And
45:04
look, sometimes you do need to leave your family of origin
45:07
because it is dysfunctional as
45:10
right? I'm not saying everybody should stay together forever.
45:14
Not a fan. I think when it's supposed to be, when it works,
45:17
when everybody is contributing and giving and trying to make it
45:22
work, like that's a beautiful thing, but we shouldn't stay in
45:25
situations that are damaging and dangerous and brutal. Okay,
45:29
nothing good is going to come out or violent. Nothing good is
45:32
going to come out of that. And there's lots of ways to be
45:34
violent. I'm going to have another podcast about that. But
45:37
here's the thing, right, third level of teaching. These are the
45:41
people that come into your life, and like, you spend some a good
45:45
chunk of time together. And look, I've often jokingly said,
45:49
right? Like, mentors are great. Like, the people that like, help
45:52
you teach you, it's so nice. Mentors are great, but
45:54
tormentors will take you a long way too. And it's kind of like,
45:58
and I don't mean tormenting you like they're physically harming
46:00
you, but like, sometimes we just get on each other's nerves,
46:03
right? Sometimes you just like bumping up against each other,
46:06
and whether that's siblings or like, whatever. But here's the
46:10
thing, right? That's a third level of teaching, and if both
46:13
parties are willing to commit, all relationships have the
46:17
potential to be holy relationships, if both people
46:20
are aware, and they're trying their best to love one another.
46:24
And that is the final piece here, the love. This is how
46:30
things get really saved it for last, right? This is how things
46:35
really get built to last is their love present, and not
46:42
just, Oh, I love you. Do the words and the actions? Are they
46:46
congruent? Because when there's deep love, right, people can
46:52
usually right, usually make most things work. Not always you need
46:59
the other things. You need the trust and the respect and all
47:01
that stuff, but love is such a solid foundation. And I think I
47:06
think of the three little pigs building their houses, but and
47:10
right, like straw and hay and mud and like brick or whatever,
47:14
right? Is that? Right? Yeah. And then the other thing is, I think
47:18
it's somewhere it might be in the Bible, I should probably
47:22
find I'm pretty sure it is, but it's just, I didn't read it
47:26
specifically in the Bible. But I just know this phrase of like,
47:29
build your house on rock, and not sand, and fast, fast. Fast
47:35
is how we build things, quick sand. You know what I'm saying?
47:37
Just suck you right down. Kill you, you know, but you know what
47:43
I'm saying metaphorically, build your house on rock, and the
47:47
first foundation, right, is love. So I hope this was helpful
47:51
in some way. Thank you for listening. I appreciate you so
47:54
much. I hope wherever you are, you're having a fantastic day,
47:58
and anything you want to find out about working together,
48:01
finding out shenanigans, what I'm up to, whatever. Just go to
48:04
Karen Kenney, k e n, n, e y.com. I would love to have you like,
48:09
come join the nest if you're interested in that. That's my
48:12
monthly membership program, right? It's like group, group,
48:16
spiritual mentoring and coaching. It's such a blast that
48:18
people are amazing. And there's also one to one spiritual
48:21
mentoring in the quest. There's lots of ways to stay connected.
48:24
You can just get on my email list. And if you found this, I
48:28
haven't mentioned this in a while, but if you listen to the
48:30
show regularly, you find it helpful. You find that it gets
48:34
you to think, or at least, at the very least, you're
48:36
entertained. I have a tip, ja, where you can like, I don't
48:41
know, a little love donation from the hot if that speaks to
48:43
you and you just go to Karen kenney.com/tip, ja, one word,
48:48
all right. Thank you so much. Have a fantastic rest of your
48:51
day. And wherever you go, may you leave the people, the place,
48:55
the animals, yourself, the environment, better than how you
49:00
first find it wherever you go. May you and your presence and
49:04
your energy and your love and your relationships be a
49:09
blessing. May you be out there trying to build things and
49:14
relationships that last. Bye. Hey, thanks so much for
49:19
listening to the show. I really love spending some time
49:22
together. Now, if you dig the show or know someone that could
49:25
benefit from this episode, please share it with them and
49:29
help me to spread the good word and the love. And if you want to
49:32
be in the know about all of my upcoming shenanigans, head on
49:36
over to Karen kenney.com/sign up and join my list, it'll be
49:42
wicked fun to stay in touch. Bye. You.